My Vacation Left Me Flushed but Not Full*

We are back from Vegas none the richer. In fact, we may be poorer. However, a good time was had by all.

I am sad to say that despite both of us taking our cameras, no pictures were taken in front of the fountain, or anywhere else for that matter. It was one of those vacations.

Okay, I lied. I had to take a picture of my big "win."

A Royal Flush baby --

Do you know how hard those are to get? REALLY hard. This was on my last night there. Actually, I may have been asleep at the machine when this occurred. I remember thinking "everyone should get one royal flush before they leave Vegas." Apparently I am clairvoyant and should really start working that skill to my advantage more often.

You know what would be really impressive? If I were playing the $1 slots at the time. Or even $.25 slots. Hell, even nickel slots. Where was I?

Oh on the penny slots of course. Hey! $10 is $10. Especially after you had just blown through roughly $345. But who's counting?

I was SO excited when this occurred that I wanted to tell B RIGHT THEN. Alas, I could not. Despite the fact that he was only about 20 feet away from me in the poker room, where I hear they play poker with REAL CARDS and not just a touchscreen like on my beloved machines, I had no way of contacting him because he did not have his phone on him. Remember the oh so organized man? Yep, he didn't bring his phone with him. Forgot it at the house. Remembered when we were too close to the airport to turn back. This required old fashioned scheduling while in Vegas that went a little something like this:

B: Where are you going to be?

Me: On some slots.

B: Which ones?

Me: Poker ones. Penny ones. Somewhere.

Me: I don't know. I DON'T HAVE A PLAN. IT IS VACATION!!!

B: Okay.

B: How about we meet in the room at 1:00?

Me: Oh, did you manage to remember to bring your watch?

B: Not funny.

Me: Oh, but it is.

So, in any event, no phone call about the Royal Flush.

However, after B lost all of his money, he joined me at my machine. The same Royal Flush machine. I excitedly told him how it happened. He longingly looked like he wished he had his own Royal Flush. After a while, I said to him "I wish I could get another one just so you could see." He thought it was because I didn't think he believed me. I just wanted him to experience the joy. Shortly thereafter, he did.

The cards lined up again. I was being WILD and playing 25 hands. The main cards revealed an ace, jack, 10, and king. I just needed the queen and had 25 chances. B said "you are bound to get ONE." I put my hand on his thigh, held my breath and got TWO:

And then I cashed out, $20.00 richer. Well, at least $20.00 less poor.

Now, THAT is a vacation.

*I have NO idea what that title means.

Crime Watch Wednesday: Why Steal Valuables When You Can Just Eat Turkey?

This week's crime watch chronicles comes courtesy of my Mom. Yep, I now have the whole family involved. Mom wants to point out that she has stupid criminals where she lives too. She is right. Take a gander:

A woman was the victim of a hungry thief. Upon arriving home to her apartment, the woman found that someone had entered her apartment and ate some turkey and cheese out of her refrigerator. There were no broken windows. The door was locked at the time. The woman stated that she had lost her keys in the utility room several weeks prior and never changed the locks.

Okay, let's review. You come home to find all the windows and doors locked. The ONLY thing missing is some turkey and some cheese from your fridge. Do you immediately think it was a criminal? Or do you blame your roommate? Perhaps wonder if you ate too much the night before? I am pretty sure that leaving unmarked keys in a utility room is not going to give enough information for the thief to know which apartment you live in. Also, if you lost your keys and did not have your locks changed, how are YOU getting into the apartment?

You know what I think? I think it was the maintenance people. It is always the maintenance people.** I, too, have a similar, but entirely different story related to this one.

One time I lived in this mid rise apartment where my garbage disposal always smelled like something died in it. I used lemons. I used soap. I used special garbage disposal cleaner. Nothing helped. Finally I told the manager she had to do something about it. I was promised something would be done.

One day after that, I came home to my locked apartment on the 12th floor to find my refrigerator unplugged, and a set of tools lying on my kitchen floor. Clearly, the maintenance man had been there and left, without his tools, and without plugging my fridge back in. Your guess is as good as mine as to why he unplugged it in the first place. Regardless, my food was no longer cold and I was steaming mad.

So I storm down to find the manager. The woman proceeds to tell me that there is a new manager that has taken over and gives me his apartment number. Immediately upon him opening the door I angrily wonder why the maintenance people left before completing their job and, more importantly, left all my food to spoil.

Manager: Are you sure it was maintenance?

Me: Am I sure it was maintenance?

Me: I CALLED for maintenance.

Me: There are TOOLS on my kitchen floor.

Me: Who the f*** do you think it was?

Manager: It could have been thieves.

Me: Thieves?

Me: It could have been THIEVES?

Me: What the f*** were they stealing????

Me: And why were they attempting to fix my garbage disposal???

Manager: We have had a bunch of thefts of fire extinguishers lately.

Me: Have you lost your ever loving mind???

Me: HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?

Me: These were not THIEVES.

Me: Tell you maintenance people they have until tomorrow to get their tools or they are mine.

Miraculously the tools were gone when I came home.

The thieves must have been listening.

* I just realized there is no first asterisk. You may now proceed to the second asterisk. Do not stop. Do not collect $200. However, if you have $200, please give it to me. I am in Vegas you know. I am broke.

**My apologies to maintenance people who are not thieves. That is probably almost all of you. You are easy to blame though. So are cleaning people who eat lunches. Except they don't. WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE LUNCH EATERS. Ahem.

***I have a foul mouth. This guy did not. He was scared of me. I liked it that way.

Its a Zoo Out There!

A while back we went to the zoo with B's family. We go every year as part of my father-in-law's work outing. It is a lot of fun. There are bagels, apples, and juice. There are also free items such as squeeze toys, toothbrush, mouse pads and band aids. We all know how I need band aids.

Typically, however, it is either rainy, cold, or both when we go. This year did not disappoint. It rained. It POURED. We stayed anyway and even went around to look at the animals who were actually quite active in all of that rain.

Of course nothing ever goes as smooth as planned either. I was supposed to meet B at the zoo. When I arrived I realized my cell phone was dead. So dead I couldn't call or get messages. I couldn't even text. Have you ever tried to find someone in a torrential downpour? Almost near impossible. Good thing B has eagle eyes and spotted me. I would have spotted him first but he was decked out in heavy duty work clothes (smart guy).

In any event, here are some pictures that were taken on that wet, but fun, day!

This tiger was attempting to come over and kill us. I wish I were kidding:

You are probably thinking to yourself, "Wow! B is such a tolerant husband posing for such a goofy shot." Well, this was ALL B's idea. I think I am a tolerant wife, actually:

The people nearby were cracking up at B posing for that picture. I had a hard time not laughing myself.

Here we were in a tunnel under the polar bears. They were quite active that day too:

And everyone said "OOOHHH" and "AHHHH" and "WHOAAAA" when he stepped on the glass:

And everyone said "HE GOT A FISH" when he, well, got a fish:

And everyone said "How cute, he is sitting down eating his lunch." Bet the fish didn't think it was cute.

Lucas was the only one totally prepared for the day. However, he did not stay in there very long. I think he felt like a bubble boy or something:

Lucas and his Dad put their hands on the snow/ice to make hand prints. Lucas is such a brave boy. I don't even put my hands on there. However, we all know my hands are like ice this time of the year anyway:

And just like the home tour, there is B - WAY ahead of me. Always so busy with places to go:

Until next year where I will make B pose with the live tiger...

Of Course I Meant to Put That There...

B likes to think he is much more organized than I am. Having seen my magazine stash, and the messiness of my home office, you may agree. However, I typically can find anything I need. B, on the other hand, well...

B: Where is the cat brush?

Me: I don't know. Where did you put it?

B: Somewhere I wouldn't forget.

Me: Obviously.

Me: Check the shelf.

B: Not there.

Me: Check the drawer.

B: Not there.

Me: And you call me unorganized.

B: I could find if I needed to.

Me: Um, aren't you kind of needing to now?

B never did find the cat brush. I did. Know where I found it? On the floor of the spare room BEHIND a box BEHIND our entertainment center.

Clearly, somewhere he would not forget.

Why Can't You Set Your Monkey Free?

A couple of months ago, when my Mom and I took a roadtrip to see some family, we also got to see performance art for the elderly. At least by the elderly. At first I thought their coordinated dancing was cute:

Right after the above, the man smacked the woman's ass. I wish I were kidding.

Then, however, I came to find out that it was all an act. Of course, I could tell that it was choreographed. However, I did not know that they came out and did the SAME dance EVERY weekend. Nor did I know that there would be costume changes:

Right after that above picture was taken my uncle turned to my Dad who was playing with a child's toy from the gift shop, and said:

If you put you hand in that puppet, that lady over there will grab her monkey.

Little did we know he was not kidding:

The moral of the story? I like spontaneous, well choreographed, dancing elderly people. I do not like well choreographed, dancing elderly people that appear "spontaneously" every weekend and who have costumes and puppets.

Especially those that are really not good ventriloquists.

Actually I don't like puppets or ventriloquists.

Neither does B.

That's why we are in love.

*Bonus points to those that know where the title of the post comes from.

I'm on Vacation Bitches!

I so wanted to scream that out when I left the office on Friday evening. Of course, since it was Friday evening (7 pm to be exact), there was no one else there. Kind of loses the whole effect, don't you think?

Regardless, it is true. We are leaving for vacation tomorrow and headed to Sin City. It is our go-to vacation. When B and I started dating we got into a routine as to vacations due to our work schedules. The routine involved a vacation in October/November and then another in February or March. If my memory serves me correctly, the first one was to Vegas. I wasn't so sure about that as a destination, but B talked me into it. Little did I know that inside me lives a secret slot jockey. B could barely tear me away.

So, naturally, when we decided against a big wedding and when we started thinking about destination weddings, it was Vegas. And so we got married there 2 1/2 years ago.

A picture of us in front of the Bellagio fountains:

You wouldn't know it from that picture, but we were crowded by about a million people. The only way we were able to get up to the banister was to promise two ladies we would take our picture and hustle out of there. In exchange, they decided to become the "wedding dress protectors" and screamed at everyone to STAY AWAY FROM HER DRESS. They showed so much enthusiasm that I didn't bother to tell them the bottom was completely trashed anyway. As a matter of fact, I still think there is a bug stuck to it. Well, at least its skeletal remains that is.

How about a GQ pose of us:

That was about the 150th picture my brother took. He was trying to get one with the fountains going off just right. Why? Because naturally we got engaged in front of those very fountains the November prior:

The above is what happens when you let complete strangers take your picture. I swear I did not add any effects. At least half of B's face is preserved for history.

So off we go back to our city, not as an engaged couple, not as a married couple, and not on a family trip.* Just the two of us - B the poker stud and, I, the slot jockey.

Miss me bitches!** I will miss you.

*That family trip was pretty awesome. Read all about it here.

**Or bastards if you prefer. For you non-swearers, it will be bunnies.***

***That is an inside joke I have with...myself. Yep, I need a vacation.

****My profile picture is also from my wedding. I am laughing in it because right before I had to leave the dressing room my phone went off telling me I had an appointment - to get married. I apparently set it while in Vegas in November when we picked the date and forgot about it.

*****Some posts will be posted throughout the week, all written in advance and probably completely random. They will not, however, have 5 sets of asterisks.

Flashback Friday: It's Never Too Dark to Wear Shades

When I was a small child in middle school, we made a time capsule. Okay, I wasn't small. It was 1984 or 1985 so I was about 12 or 13. In any event, we filled out a piece of paper that, today, would be considered a meme on the internet. It had information about us, what we liked, what was happening that year, etc. The goal, I believe, was to open it the next year. My memory is actually fuzzy on the specifics.

You know who's memory is not fuzzy? My mom's memory. That woman is as sharp as a tack, whatever that means. One time I mentioned the time capsule and she reminded me what I put in it. Yes, she remembered after all of those years. I wish she had forgotten.

Apparently, I wrote that my favorite song of all time - ALL TIME - was Corey Hart's "I Wear My Sunglasses at Night."

Wait...what?

I must have banged my head as a child. However, for your listening and reading pleasure, below is a video from You Tube complete with lyrics. Check this gem out:

Now I am kind of confused about some of they lyrics. Let's start with these:

And I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can

Keep track of visions in my eyes

Honestly, that may be the only part of the lyrics that make some sort of sense to me. I mean if you are wearing sunglasses it blocks everything from your sight so you can only see the visions in your eyes (or head). Wait? Sunglasses only cut down on glare? They don't make you blind? Well, there goes that theory.

Now about these lyrics:

Don't switch the blade in the guy in shades, oh no

Don't masquerade with the guy in shades, oh no, I can't believe it

'Cause you got it made with the guy in shades, oh no

Before I discuss these, I want to note that I believe this song is a love song. Don't believe me? Just take another look at that last line "you got it made with a guy in shades." Sounds like a love tune to me.

However, I am not quite sure what "don't switch the blade" means? Is there a knife involved? Is this a song about domestic violence? Also, I think masquerading around someone wearing shades is perfectly acceptable because they CANT SEE YOU. Oh, wait. That's right. You are just not as bright or something.

Speaking of bright...I think I lost half of my brain cells analyzing this song that I thought was super cool in the 80s. So cool, it made it into a TIME CAPSULE as my favorite song EVER.

I need therapy.

If you want to check out the actual video with Corey Hart, follow the link below. The video will not assist you much in figuring out the lyrics unless watching Corey sing into a phone "don't switch the blade on a guy in shades, oh no" while the cops approach means something to you. If it does, and you can explain, please let me know. I have a time capsule to edit.

I wonder where they buried it...

check out the you tube video here (sorry, it will not allow to embed in the post).*

*Tell me that is not a catchy tune.

**How funny are some of those comments on You Tube?

If You Don't Cooperate, I am Sending the Lion After You

We are in the waiting room for blood draws only.

You are in your dress pants, dress shoes and undershirt, having already removed you dress shirt, suit jacket and top coat in anticipation of having your blood drawn.*

So when the nurse comes to the door and calls you name, you look more than a little bit foolish when you look up and answer "What?" as if you have no clue why she is there.**

On another note, is a sexy lion costume really appropriate for a doctor's office or any office for that matter?

Halloween brings out all of the freaks.***

*I typically do not completely undress to get blood drawn from my ARM, but that's just me.****

**The appropriate response is to smile and/or say "yes", as you get up and move toward the nurse. It is not proper to just sit there with your newspaper saying "what" repeatedly. Take note half dressed man!

***Or is that a full moon? I can't keep this straight.

****I also do not get undressed in common waiting areas. Again, that's just me.