Love in an Elevator

More like stuck in an elevator! I have been very fortunate, up until now, to never have had the pleasure to be stuck in an elevator. You would know what a feat this is, if you knew the kind of elevators I travel in on a weekly, and sometimes, daily basis. Old, old buildings and courthouses. I had often heard of people getting stuck, but liked to pretend that it wouldn't happen to me. Well, guess what happened today? You got it ~~ stuck in an elevator.

Now, I was the first one in the elevator and naturally moved to the far back corner. Don't ever do this! Trust me. Always stay in front. Since it was a busy day at court, people were literally smashing themselves in the elevator. We move up a couple of floors. Some people get off, but even more people get on. At that very moment I think "we are going to get stuck." Apparently the doors would not shut (a bad sign), so the two men in front FORCED THEM SHUT. Are you kidding me? Now we are stuck. We will not go up, we will not go down. The doors will not open. Nothing happens.

Instantly, it is is like 100 degrees in there. All I can think about is how Q told me that she was stuck in an elevator recently for an hour and a half. I think I will pass out. We are so crowded in that I cannot even reach down to my briefcase to get to my phone. People are asking if anyone has a signal. Some crazy lady starts yelling about how we are stuck (obviously) and that those guys should not have forced the door shut (no kidding) and how we will be lucky if we do not plummet to the ground. Nice. Now some girl is panicking. The elevator drops a bit. Oh boy. Two minutes pass by and we have two people shouting into their cell phones. Crazy lady is calling the judge to say she will be late (it hasn't even been five minutes) and to tell the judge's clerk that we are stuck because there is too much weight and we will surely fall. The guy next to me is yelling at his secretary to call the court because he is stuck and will be late. Meanwhile, there is a man in front who has astutely pressed the call button. Come to find out it is serviced by people in another state. That puts more people in a panic. But the lady calmly tells him to press some buttons. It doesn't do anything, but strangely it calms me. At least we are doing something.

So, the call person cannot hear the guy who is pushing the buttons because crazy lady won't get off her cell phone. Now there are people yelling at her, so the call person REALLY cannot hear. Finally, they tell us someone is on the way. I proceed to announce to the whole elevator that the minute the doors open I am outta here and not setting foot on another elevator in this building. No one seems fazed by my announcement. The doors start to open ~~ people stick their hands out. They get yelled at. Finally, they are able to open the doors about half way, but enough that you can get through. People start to leave. I, however, am blocked by a gaggle of people just standing there. Finally, I say "plan on leaving" and some guy actually asks if I think the elevator will start working now. HELLO??? The doors will only open half way. I say "If you are crazy enough to stay on this elevator, be my guest, but get the hell out of my way."

Finally, I am free! I then have to walk up 10 flights of stairs to my courtroom. Me and some guy. He was ahead of me for about three flights of stairs, but then his briefcase became too much for him. By the time I get to the courtroom, I am out of breath and attempting to tell the bailiff why I am there. I vow to walk all 17 flights of stairs down when I leave.

So, after sitting there for a while, it is time to go. I no longer want to walk 17 flights of stairs. I cautiously get on the elevator. I stay to the front. I notice it is not crowded. I start to feel okay. Then I feel a tap on my shoulder. It is my staircase buddy. He says "this is NOT a good sign, you and I on the same elevator together." We have a bond, him and I. Unfortunately, I do not want to bond again in another elevator incident so I close my eyes and hope for the best.

I did it. I made it down without incident. Then I went back to the office and berated the person whose conference I was covering. Not really. But I did tell him he owes me one.

Can You Get That?

Another real life conversation at The Company today. First let me set the stage:

The phone is ringing in the server room and was ringing for at least 2 minutes non-stop, driving two nearby employees nuts. Conversation as follows:

K: D, do you have the key to that room so I can answer the phone?

D: No, but P does. Is he here?

P: I'm here, but no one has the phone number to that office.

K: Um, obviously someone has that phone number since the phone is RINGING (D starts laughing)

P: Oh yeah. Maybe I'll go see who it is.

D: Thanks, P.

NO ONE HAS THE NUMBER?

I....love.....my.....job!

Have you seen my....?

Do you have an office fairy where you are? We sure have one at our company. This fairy likes to steal things that no one else wants. Honestly. Big grey carts that are used to deliver paper go missing regularly. What are you going to do with that, other than deliver paper? And where are you going to hide that? People also take other, smaller carts. Those are usually found near other secretary's cubicles with other's people's files in them and then a big angry discussion takes place. Those are fun.

Really, though, how many more emails can one get that starts off with "if you have seen [insert object here] please return it to [insert place or person] as it is needed immediately. Thank you." Some of the writers get creative and try to admonish others like this one:

- Subject: large grey cart missing again

Does anyone know where it is? I need it to pass out the copy and bond paper (which some wings are out of)

FYI: The large cart is to be returned to 13 East when it is not in use. Please be courteous and not use it as a table.

That one is my favorite. My other favorite is the one (again about the large grey cart) that resulted in many emails about seeing big grey cats and a lively discussion as to whether cats could carry paper strapped to their bags better than dogs could???

And finally, the one from Winchester where his briefcase went missing. He declared no questions would be asked if it was returned to his office by 12 pm. The catch - he never left his office. Kind of makes it hard to be an anonymous thief. Although he does take naps......

And the Beat Goes On....and On....and On....

So, people just cannot get over the fact that my going away party is on St. Patrick's Day. OF ALL DAYS!! Have I no shame? Am I some sort of Irish Catholic heathen? Hardly. But why not just combine my big bash, with a big Irish bash at a Mexican restaurant? Seriously...think about it...best of ALL the worlds. For your amusement, here are the top 10 reasons why there will not be full attendance at my party:

1. I have long standing plans for that day (usually from those that are not even remotely Irish).
2. It is a Friday night (yep, I don't know what that means either. Apparently you are supposed to only party on Thursday??)
3. It is all the way downtown (yes, downtown is almost exactly 20 minutes from everyone invited. Even closer for those that work there)
4. Downtown will be crazy that night (see previous post about party being held at a Mexican venue)
5. I will be in the Bahamas (okay, that one is legit)
6. I secretly don't like you (okay, no one said that, but some might be thinking it)
7. I don't really know who you are (not said, but again probably thought)
8. I didn't know you were leaving (probably due to no official announcement by company - those same people will continue to email me months after I am gone and be perpetually puzzled that my address is no longer in Outlook)
9. I have to watch the Final Four game - in person (grrr...EJ!!)

and my personal favorite:

10. I don't want to be on the road with all those drunks out there (that's like the pot calling the kettle...well...drunk).

This party will either rock or be a complete dud. Either way, you get to hear about it. The question is ~~ will it be more fun to read about if it is fun or a dud??

Let's Get This Party Started...

So a good friend of mine at the company is attempting to organize a going away party for my departure. It is more difficult than one would think. Apparently, she believed that her and my other close coworker would handle all the arrangments themselves. But then he pulls in another random coworker and that is when the craziness begins. Have I ever told you my beef with randomness at this company? These people are the kings and queens of pulling in random people. There is one woman in particular who after exchanging emails with you a few times will suddently start carbon copying another person. The kicker is that person has NOTHING to do with what you are talking about. One time she cc'd someone when I was talking about how much I like cake. To this day, I honestly do not think she even talks to the person she cc'd!! And then that random person feels the need to respond as if they were always a part of the conversation all along! Drives me crazy. So back to the point...

There is all kinds of drama with my party. Where is it going to be? When is it going to be? You see -- my last day is St. Patrick's day and for some reason everyone seems to think that our bar of choice, a Mexican eatery, would be jam packed with people celebrating an Irish holiday? I am putting my money down on the fact that it will not be any busier than a normal Friday night. Next issue - is the email announcing the party "politically correct"? There is a phrase I wish to never hear again. I think I have heard it approximately 5 times since I gave my notice last week. And since when does an email about a going away party have to be "politically correct" and what makes it so? You don't know. We don't know.

So after days of this nonsense, I decided that I was taking matters into my own hands and deciding date, time and place. If necessary I was going to be sending out the email announcing it. J said that I would go down in history at the company for planning my own party, but seriously... what's a person to do? She was pulling out her hair trying to get everyone together to finalize plans.

But all is well that ends well and the party is planned. It is on St. Patrick's Day at the Mexican eatery. No I didn't send out my own email. And I bet you that the bar will be totally ours that night. I bet you a green beer, or whatever green beverage comes my way that night.