Tuesday, October 26, 2010

October Roared in Like a Lion and Then Bit Me in the Ass. And It is Cold.

October is almost over with and fall is in the air. Well, actually I would like to call it WINTER.  It is freezing here.  For God's sake, B turned on the furnace! Only by one degree, but whatever. Seriously, the man turned the furnace on by one degree.  One morning as he was leaving for work and puzzling about why half my clothes were off and he was freezing (I get hot when I sleep), he announced "I EVEN turned on the furnace." I was shocked. I was even more shocked when I came home and it didn't seem to be any warmer in the house. So I looked at the thermostat: 62 degrees.  Um, not exactly a heatwave.  So I query:

Me: I thought you turned the furnace on.
B: I did!
Me: But it is cold in here.
B: It is on!
Me: But it says it is only 62 degrees in here.
B: Yes, but it WAS 61.
Me: Um, what?
B: It was 61 in here but it was chilly so I turned it up to 62.
Me: Let me get this straight. You turned on the furnace to heat this place up by one degree.
B: Well, it took the chill off.
Me: You are a rebel.

So now it is slightly warmer, but still dang cold for October around here.  Maybe by November we can turn it up to 65. So wild!

In completely different news, Jersey went for her monthly bath. She came home with a very cute bandanna. The bandanna never lasts long because B takes it off. Not Jersey. B.   Something about it being too girly.  Um, bandannas are SO not girly. And this one was seasonal:

How dang cool does she look? COOL not cute.  She can't be girly.  I would reckon to say she looks like a stud:

You know, if she was a boy and all.  Also, that bandanna makes her look fat.  Look at that neck roll. It is the Sharpei in her, I swear.

What else did October bring other than werewolves and getting locked out of houses? Evil Dead the Musical. Twice.  Once just isn't enough. That is not their slogan, but mine. Did you even knew such a thing exists?  It does.  Did you know that you must go see it if given the opportunity? You must.  It will change your life.  You will break out into spontaneous songs singing things like "Do the Necrnomican" and singing "Candarian Demon" while making demon hands and looking at your dog who thinks you have gone nuts.  You will sit in the splatter zone and come home with "blood" in your hair and all over your clothes. 

So I just had to get up to let Jersey out and did the demon hands and she jumped and bit my arm. I may be bleeding for real.

I love Halloween.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Crime Watch Wednesday - Pump Up the Jams, Turn Off the Cats

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday brings us the tale of someone who was fed up with being awoken at 5:30 a.m. every day, and we are not talking about B.

A woman contacted police at 5:30 a.m. to report loud music that she believed was coming from the newspaper delivery person's vehicle. Sure enough, the police responded in 15 seconds and found that it was indeed the newspaper guy's car. The suspect was very sorry.

Maybe the lady could have just asked the newspaper delivery person to turn down his radio? She was already up.  You know, lady, the police have better things to do than ask a guy who is rightfully regretful to turn down the tunes.

For example, perhaps the cops could take care of those crazy street cats that are always tearing it up around midnight while I am just falling asleep. You know the ones I thought were going to get Brad? I am pretty sure if I approached them, they would just claw my eyes out.

Or what about the two dogs behind us that bark for hours on end. That is fun at 7 am. On a Sunday.  THAT IS MY DAY OFF PEOPLE.

Or what about the three cats I have in my house that occasionally act like street cats downstairs while I am trying to sleep and although I have visions of things shattering all around the house, I am too tired to get up and yell down "KNOCK IT OFF!" which never works anyway.

Or the bad karaoke singers who decided to sing show tunes just as we were going to bed at 11:30 p.m. one night?  We had to shut our window on a nice balmy summer night.

What is my point? I will tell you.  The newspaper delivery man is on your block for maybe five minutes tops.  Street cats? They fight ALL NIGHT LONG. It's their gig. Grumpy dogs? HOURS.  Inside cats that think they are streetcats?  A good half hour or more.  Crazy karaoke singers? I don't know, I shut the window.

In the time it took you to make that call, you could have just thrown a pillow over your head and gone back to sleep.  Or I don't know gone to work, like the delivery guy who is trying to earn a living to support his family or his drug habit. Doesn't matter.

Your far more annoyed and less sleep fulfilled neighbor,

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Cell Phones Are Evil, But People Are Good and I Am Surprised

Cell phones are evil.  I came to this conclusion yesterday when I lost mine.  You may be wondering how that is the cell phone's fault. It is not. That is not what makes it evil.  The evil lies in the fact that the mere possibility that I lost my Blackberry FROZE ME.  I repeat - I COULD NOT FUNCTION.  Let me walk you through it.

My mom and I were shopping. We were in a big grocery store and I had the phone in my pocket and then later put it in my purse.  My mom called me to tell me where she was in the store and then we left for the next big grocery store. It was at least an hour later when I went to call my mom to see where she was that I realized I didn't have a phone.  Eventually I found her and we went to the car.  No phone there.

My mom tried to call it. We couldn't hear it.  I decided we would have to go back to the first store to see if by some miracle it was there.  And then I had these thoughts:
  1. I need to call B to tell him what happened. SHIT I DON'T HAVE A PHONE.
  2. I don't even know my own brother's phone number.*
  3. What if my client needs me?**
  4. What is someone is reading and responding to my personal emails?
  5. What if I find the phone and someone drove over it in the parking lot?
  6. Number 5 might be the best scenario.
  7. Will we really ever find this phone?
  8. Why is the month of October being so DAMN MEAN to me?
While I was having these and many other thoughts and as we were driving to the store, my mom's phone rang and she looks at me excitedly and says "It's YOU!"  Turns out I left the phone in the cart (the cart I walked myself to the cart corral) and some guy found it, kept it and apparently waited for us to call.

We drove back and I called him to get my phone.  My mom told me to give him $5 to play the lottery.  That did not quite go so well:

Me: Hi! Thanks so much for holding on to my phone.

Guy: No problem.
Me: Here (holding out money) go play the lotto and win.
Guy: Nah! It's no big deal.
Me: No, really - go play the lotto and win.
Guy: No, really.
Guy: uh...have fun? 

And then he ran away.

But I had my phone, the evil phone that apparently runs my life. Vicky and Jersey take note.  And my faith in humanity has been restored.  Even if he wouldn't take my money.

This was day 16 of October.  I have not even mentioned what happened on day 15 or day 13.

It is going to be a long month.

*My husband doesn't even know MY number. Have I mentioned that?
**Why can't I stop thinking about the office even for a minute and during a crisis? Ugh.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

If It Is Going to Be a Bad Day When You See a Werewolf, What Happens When You Are Standing Barefoot in the Cold?

Remember about a week or two ago when I said I had a bad day that started with a werewolf sighting?  Well, I topped myself without even trying.  Every week it is my job to take out the recycling on garbage day.  If I was not the hugest procrastinator around, I would do this the evening before.  That, however, is not in my nature.  So I do it the morning of pickup.  I had the routine down to a science, or so I thought.

You see, our front door does not self lock. Neither does our back door, but for an entirely different reason.  Often I have told friends, family, and delivery men not to worry about the door shutting or slamming behind me, "it won't lock me out."  You know what this means, right? IT FLIPPING LOCKED ME OUT.

Of course that would be the morning I elected not to wear socks or shoes despite the fact that it was under 50 degrees. I was also in a tshirt with wet hair having just gotten out of the shower.  No keys. No phone. No mad survivor skills.

It was 6:30 a.m.

It was dark. It was cold. I was PISSED. I think I said something like "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!" I looked around our very dark neighborhood. No one was up. And if they were, what where they going to do for me?  So I go to the back where we have a spare key in a lockbox. I don't know the code.


And it is dark and I cannot see. And I have no shoes. Did I mention that?  

I go back up front to see if I can force the door open and see the hip neighbor guy taking his garbage out. I run over there with my lockbox and scream "DO YOU KNOW THE CODE TO THIS?"  Sadly, he did not. But his wife did because she lets Jersey out for us occasionally. He invites me inside and then says "Are you not wearing any shoes?" 


So I got in and ready for work, although I never really got warm again. When I got to work I sent B a text that said:

FYI - Should you go outside with wet hair and no shoes on, you will get locked out in the dark having forgotten the code to the lockbox.

To which he replied:

Don't worry. I know it.

There is a lesson here folks.  Teach your dog how to open doors. Because, as it turns out, the door was not even locked.  The door handle on the outside just wasn't working properly. Had Jersey pushed down on the inside door handle, I could have gotten in. Instead she ran from window to window wondering what fun I was having outside.  I was having a blast. An arctic blast.

Tomorrow is garbage pickup day. What are the odds that I:
  1. Wear shoes
  2. Wear a sweatshirt
  3. Lock myself out
  4. Remember the code
  5. Learn any lesson from all of this
I better start training Jersey right now.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Guess who turned 1 on 10/10/10? Or is it 7? Who Knows, But There Was Cake.

When B informed me the other day that he figured out when Jersey's birthday was* and that it was coming up the next weekend, I sprang into action.  By that I mean I stumbled upon a rawhide birthday cake and decided we would do birthday pictures and have a little party.  B decided I was nuts and refused to partake. Party pooper!

So first I bought the cake:

Then I told Jersey she had to pose pretty for her first birthday picture:

For comparison, this is her last year:

Then I told Jersey there was CAKE, but she had to pose with it first.  So she did like a good dog**:

Then the cake was all hers:

Yes, I think that is a ghost.  Someone has to watch over these animals.

But that was not all of the birthday festivities. Jersey had a friend over, Molly. They played and fought and ran around a lot.  If these are blurry, it is because they are ACTION SHOTS PEOPLE:

Oh, it's on:

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl! We have loved every minute of your first year.

*Or the vet told him. Whatever.
**She is no longer a puppy, but a DOG! She even has to eat dog food instead of puppy food. My heart is crushed. 

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

October: The Fall of Temperatures , The Rise of Monsters, and the Riddle of All Ages

October is here! October is my favorite time of the year.  It brings giant pumpkins like so:

I can't wait to carve these like last year's.  So much fun.  October also brings monsters. Check these out:

Why yes, those are scary bobbles.  Why yes they are special Halloween edition bobbles of Star Wars characters. How fun is that? We have zombie Stormtrooper, werewolf Chewbacca and evil Yoda. I am just missing Darth Vadar, but I will get him this weekend.

In other news, remember when I saw that werewolf walking down the street?  Well, he looked kind of like Chewbacca up there. Also I saw him again while on the phone with my mom so now she can vouch for me. Well, she didn't see him but she did hear me scream "IT IS THE WEREWOLF GUY BUT THIS TIME HIS SHIRT IS CLOSED." Hell, I think werewolf guy heard me. In fact, I can almost guarantee this since I saw him yesterday walking down the street carrying a gas can and he looked RIGHT AT ME even though I was far away.  I am not sure yet what this means.

Other things that have happened since October began? The temperature dropped like crazy. We are freezing. Yet it is October so we don't want to turn on the heat. Hell, even I think it is too early. I am now attempting to keep warm by candlelight. Guess what? That doesn't work. At all.  Good thing it is supposed to be 80 on Saturday. Damn weather.

I also got a speeding ticket.  First one in MANY years and second one ever. Yes, I did have an immediate thought of running again, but decided against it.  Maybe in 15 more years I won't even think about running. Ha.  Also, could you give a girl a break? Apparently no. I wanted to shout I AM A GOOD DRIVER!!! But since I got pulled over that wouldn't seem entirely true would it?

I also had a first in my professional career the other day. A deposition in a church.  I have had some strange deps in my life (a post should really be done on that), but a church? I had visions of the videographer aiming toward the altar and the witness seated under a giant cross with Jesus insuring she told the truth.  Then I somehow turned that into a haunted church and walked around the house with a blanket over my head telling B that I was going to depose a ghost.  He looked at me like I was nuts, but who decided the next morning to talk about how difficult the dep would be if the person just kept saying "Booooo"? That is why we are in love people.

Speaking of ghosts, my main computer might have died. B thinks I killed it.  Perhaps because two others have gone to premature graves. I know that I am the common denominator but it is an Apple! It is not like I am running around getting viruses and things.  One has to wonder though, why do the computers just happen to break AFTER the warranty expires?

Riddle me that, people.

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