Knock! Knock! Mo Fo Karma Wants Her Five Dollars Back

Sometimes karma doesn't come around until much later. So much later, in fact, that the person wishing for karma to come back around never really knows if it does. That was not the case for my friend last week.

My friend was on her way back to the office and stopped to get gas. She noticed a beat up old van with a walker visible in the window and a man that appeared to need assistance. He told her that he just got out of the hospital and needed gas money to get home.  Feeling in a caring mood, she offered him the $5 that was in her wallet. He graciously accepted it and thanked her profusely.  Before my friend could put her gas cap back on, he was gone. He did not get gas.

That got her goat.  

If she had a goat.

You know what I mean.

Karma was on duty and caused my friend to look across the street where she spotted the man's van pulling into the liquor store.

That got her goat.

See above.

She hopped in her car and went to the liquor store. She rushed inside and found the man, not even buying liquor, but buying a lotto ticket. Then it went a little something like this:

She:  Gas money? REALLY? Gas? Where's the GAS?

Man: What? It's only a lottery ticket.

She:  I want my $5 back! NOW!

The man rifled through his pockets. The cashier grinned and gave my friend a thumbs up. The man then said he must have left it in his car.

She: Oh good. Then I will just follow you out to your car to retrieve it.

Apparently, he did not think she would go through with it as when they got to his van, he pulled the $5 out of his pocket and meekly handed it to her. Then he got THE LECTURE:

She: You are what is wrong with people today! You are what makes people like me not want to give to people in need because they might get scammed by people like you!

Then she went to her office.  Still mad.

Without her goat.

Or is it with her goat?

I don't even know what that expression means. I do know that there is a man out there that might think twice before he pulls that scam again.

Or at least maybe buy his lotto ticket at the gas station.

 

P.S. The first part of my title is from The Bloggess. If you are not reading her blog, you should be. In fact, you should start with this post.

Jersey Doesn't Like Amish People. Or Horses. Or Both. It Must Be a Dog Thing.

On the drive up north to the cottage* we ended up behind a car with a handicap plate. B has a theory about driving on the freeway behind people with handicap plates, but I will leave that for another day. Perhaps a guest post? In any event, as I was contemplating how to get around this woman, B alerted me to the fact that there was an Amish buggy ahead. Sure enough, there was a horse drawn buggy. It passed in front of the woman ahead of us at which time a dog suddenly appeared out of nowhere from within her vehicle and started barking furiously. B and I laughed and wondered what would make a dog so crazay about a horse drawn buggy of Amish people as as we drove by with Jersey barely even glancing in that direction.

That is, until we had to pass another Amish buggy, this time on the road with us. As soon as we were even with the buggy, Jersey let out a ferocious growl and started barking up a storm, much to our surprise. I may have shouted out something ridiculous like "JERSEY! They are AMISH!" As if that made any sense or as if the dog could understand something that involved.

Here to illustrate is Jersey. She went from looking like this:


Such a sweet, out-of-focus, crooked face. To this:

Ferocious! Too bad she was looking at B when that shot was taken.

Then she went to this:

Where are they?

Let me at 'em.

Okay, maybe she was just trying to get some air and crush B in the process. A 45 lb dog on your lap attempting to stand? NOT comfortable. Also not comfortable? Being jolted awake on a road trip because that same 45 lb dog has climbed over the back seat and is SITTING ON YOUR SHOULDER. Good times.

After passing the second Amish buggy, I pondered about the fact that the woman was driving. B responded with:

B: Perhaps she thinks it is weird that YOU are driving.

Me: Maybe. However, I wasn't born in the 1900s when such things were unusual.

B: Um...you only spent almost your ENTIRE life in the 1900s.

Me: Huh. Whatever.

So we let Jersey take the wheel:

Isn't she a natural?

EYES ON THE ROAD JERSEY! I swear that dog is trying to kill us.

Or maybe just the Amish...

*This trip has given me a lot of material. Cottage trips more often!!

Now That I've Got You on the Hood of My Car, Isnt iPod a Funny Little Word?

I recently won an iPod touch in one of the contests I entered.* Unfortunately, it was the exact same size as the one I already have. When it came, though, B thought it was a good prize and even high-fived me. I asked if he wanted it and he replied with a limp "I guess."

Later that week, I brought it up again because I only wanted to give it to him if he was actually going to use it. Otherwise, I could upgrade my Mom's pod or give it to someone else. So, at dinner, I ask him if he would really use the iPod and then it happened. The word "iPod" seemed completely alien and foreign to me.

Me: Isn't iPod a strange little word?

B: I don't know. Sounds about right to me.

Me: I don't know what happened. It just sounds WRONG to me. Before I felt that way about the iPad, but somehow that seems normal to me.

Don't you hate when that happens? A word you have been using for years, decades even, sounds completely alien to your ears in an instance? Please tell me this happens to other people and I am not just slowly going crazy.

In any event, on the way home, before discussing the lyrics of Little Red Corvette, we nearly hit a woman jogging. As B pondered why people jogged in the street, I pondered why people wore iPods while doing so.

Me: Be careful! That lady is going to run right out in front of us.

B: You would totally gasp if we hit her.

Me: Yes, I would. Yes, I would.

Me: Then you know what I would do?

B: What?

Me: I would say "Why in the hell are you jogging in the STREET?"

Me: and then "Also, why would you wear an IPOD while doing so?"

Me: and "Isn't iPod a funny little word"?

B: I bet she wouldn't find it funny.

Me: No, she wouldn't. But I sure would.

I wonder, had we hit her, would we have made the Crime Watch Chronicles? What would the catchy title have been? "Jogger is Singing a Different Tune after Being Hit by Vehicle She Couldn't Hear?"

Isn't tune a funny little word...

Of Badges and Glass Eyes

B has a second job. Actually it is probably like a third or fourth job. He has worked numerous jobs since I met him.  I used to do that too. When I was young and did not fall asleep on the couch at 7:30 p.m.   B must still have some of that youth in him.

Anyway, his second (or third) job is as guest relations at a sports arena.  He works hockey games and concerts.  Even though every time he works he comes home grumbling about it, I know he secretly likes it. After all, he has been there for about three years now.   I like when he comes home telling tales of what occurred.  Some of them are just too damn funny.

So the other night when we were out to eat, and B began telling me what had happened at the latest concert (a big band from the 80s that is still going strong today), I knew it would be good. I was not disappointed.   B first started telling me about some cops that wanted special treatment. What they wanted was to get to the main floor, without the proper ticket.  It didn't help their cause, in B's eyes, that they were cops right near our city.  B tells me their exchange went something like this:

Cop: I am a police officer with [city], can't you just let me down to the main floor? [flashing badge]

B:  Are you one of those cops that just sit by the exit to the freeway and nails everyone that comes by?

Cop: Oh no! Not me.  I don't do that.  Please just give me a wristband.

B:  Oh, I see. So your badge entitles you to a wristband?  If you pull me over while driving through [city] and I am wearing a wristband, will that get me out of a ticket?

I like that boy's logic.  B baffled the cop into silence but then took pity on him and let him go down.  Actually, that part of the story was hard to believe considering B does not have a good track record with the police in our area.  You see, before the new car, B had a different car that was totaled on the freeway when some jerk decided he needed to exit RIGHT THEN and cut across all lanes of traffic, into B, and sending B into the side wall.  When Mr. Police Officer arrived on the scene, there were nothing but skid marks.  Jerk left B for dead on the side of the road.  B told Mr. Police Officer his story, only to not be believed.  For some reason, Mr. Police Officer thought that B was lying and had careened himself into the side of the road.  As they sat in the police car arguing (yes B is obviously not intimidated by authority figures), Mr. Police Officer's radio went off saying "we have a call from a driver who witnessed some jerk plow into a guy on the freeway and take off. The person followed the driver home and has identified him."  I believe B's exact words to Mr. Police Officer were "huh. I guess I didn't careen myself into the wall after all."  B's my hero.

Anyway, I was nodding during this story about his job, thinking it was great and wondering if it was worth a blog when B said the following gem:  "Then there was the guy who lost his glass eye."

STOP

I actually said "STOP," reached into my purse and pulled out the notebook where I write such gems to blog about later.  Then I proceeded to say, "Continue..."

B: Yeah, some guy lost his glass eye.

Me: His real glass eye?

B: Yeah, I am really not sure how you do that. We were looking all over the ground. I actually think his girlfriend did it.  I saw them fighting earlier and I think she hit him.

Me: She hit his glass eye out?

B: That's the only thing I can think of.  I wonder if someone will turn it into the lost and found.

Um, WOW. That is all I can say.  The rest of the time I just laugh in my head at the spectacle I imagine occurred.  And I thought losing a contact was bad.

On another note, B told me he was employee of the month this month at the job.  Totally well deserved, especially since he didn't need a sock puppet.

Kudos to you B! You rock!

The One Where I Play Santa Clause...

I recently had to go pass out gifts to our clients.  Envisioning myself as a Santa I practiced saying "Ho, Ho, Ho" and walking around for B:

Me: [walking around] HO HO HO

B:  What are you doing?

Me: Practicing playing Santa for when I give out gifts tomorrow.

Me: HO HO HO

B:  What are you doing with your arms?

Me: What do you mean?

B: You look like an ape.

Me: That is me holding PRESENTS!

Me: HO HO HO

Of course, Partner and I picked one of the worst winter days to go pass out presents. That, among other things, made him crabby.  That made me crabby.  To console ourselves, we went out to lunch first.  Cappuccinos cure everything. At least for me. He does not drink those. He remained grumpy.

As we were driving away from the restaurant (more like crawling through the snow), I noticed a TV van parked across the street.  Trying to lighten the mood, I said:

Look! There's a TV van and a camera and a girl and everything. I wonder what she's going to say - "Hi John, I'm live in the parking lot where it is snowing. Can you see the snow John? Yes, I am in front of the diamond store. No, I don't know why. Maybe because snow is shiny like diamonds? Ha ha John, back to you in the studio."

Partner asks me to tell him what girl from the station and I say "Some brunette from Channel 2."  As Partner declares he HATES Channel 2, it happens:

BAM!

We get rear ended.  And my head actually bounces off the headrest and back before I even hear the sound.  And it hurt dammit!  Turns out there was no damage, which was good, but it sure didn't lighten the mood. It just made me grumpier.

Partner took that opportunity to call his wife and warn her to stay off the road. Unfortunately, he still has not figured out how to work his bluetooth phone in the car and could not get it off speaker phone.  That conversation went something like this:

Partner:  Hi wife!  Stay home. The roads are really bad.

Wife: Too late. I am already on the road

Partner: Okay.

Wife: Hey...

Partner: WIFE! I CANNOT TALK RIGHT NOW!!

Wife:  THEN WHY DID YOU CALL ME?????

Click [the sound of her hanging up on him].  I was laughing. He was not. I dont think he wanted to tell her he couldnt talk because she was on speaker coming through the car, that I was in the car listening and that he could not figure out how to turn it off.  We all have troubles.  He got grumpier.

We delivered the gifts. I did not say HO HO HO though.  In fact, I started saying Merry Christmas because, after all, we were passing out gifts mere days before Christmas, but realized that was probably politically incorrect. So then I started saying something like this:

MerryChristmasHappyHolidaysHappyHanukahandallthat.

Smooth, right? I blame it on my head injury.

And if you are wondering what our clients got, they got wireless digital frames. No, they did not have pictures of strangers in them.

Hope all of your Holidays were bright and cheerful. Unlike this story.

Where's Dani?

So it was brought to my attention that I am a horrible blogger and have been neglecting my posting duties. Thanks bro!  But he is right and it is true.  In fact, I thought I last posted on Thursday, but it looks like it was really Wednesday. That is a long time.  Too long.  I would like to say it was because I was off on some wild and crazy adventure but that would be a fib.  The truth is...

I have been doing nothing. Literally.  Getting up early to get to the office early is not only ridiculous, but apparently exhausting.  Couple that with the fact that arriving early does not necessarily mean I leave early and some days it is unbearable.  Feel bad for me yet? Nah, I didn't think so.

Here's what I remember since I last posted:

Thursday is a blur. B was recovering from some disgusting virus so we went for a romantic dinner at the coney island.  Then...nothing.

Friday was just too much for me I guess. I fell asleep at 7:00. That's PM in case you were wondering.  After returning from dinner which involved watching a man in a wheelchair use his legs to literally walk while seated which made B declare that "defeated the whole point of a wheelchair" and I to declare "maybe his butt was sore" which made absolutely no sense, I decided to lay down because I had a slight headache. I even left the bedroom light on so I wouldn't fall asleep.  After about an hour, I got up and moved to the couch to watch TV. I proceeded to do this for the next two hours. With my eyes closed.  And my mouth open.  There may have been snoring involved.  Thereafter, I moved back to the bedroom, told B I was going to bed to which he responded "you probably shouldn't have left in the first place." Touche.*

Fifteen hours later (don't judge - I was exhausted) I awoke to GET THINGS DONE.  This involved going online, getting lost in blog reading and being disturbed a couple of hours later by B who declared we had to go to the cider mill right then and there as it was NOW OR NEVER.  Although thrown about as a threat, I took it as an invitation and off we went to eat donuts and drink cider and watch cider being made yet again.  Every year it is the same routine.  And every year we act surprised as to how it is done.  Like we don't know that crushed apples will come down the chute, wrapped in the tarp to be crushed. Every year I will ask B "but where does the juice GO?" and every year he shows me the keg like contraption complete with a hose.  Oooooh and ahhhh.  Although we do not ooohhh and ahhh audibly like some people in the audience did.  Made me wonder just what they thought was going to come down that chute? Coal?  Maybe nothing.  In the wise words of a nearby three year old "maybe the apples are all stuck together."  It could happen, I suppose.

And Sunday? Oh Sunday. Full of breakfast, mad grocery shopping and deal seeking. I do not know how those deal seeking people do it. I get stressed every time.  You know what doesn't help being stressed while seeking deals?  Being stalked by a guy in a scooter stuck perpetually in reverse.  Nothing gets a greater rise out of me then hearing beep-beep-beep.  That stupid annoying reversing sound found on all trucks and apparently on scooters at the grocery store.  And this man? HE COULD NOT DRIVE FORWARD.  All he did was reverse.  Beep-beep-beep. And follow me from aisle to aisle. I was quite honestly going mad. At some point I just yelled "I can't take it anymore" and ran from the aisle with my cart while some lady looked at me strangely.  Later, upon finding my Mom and griping about said man, she informed me he was following her too.  Like mother, like daughter, stalked by crazy reversing guy.

And what was the craziest thing to have occurred this weekend? I worked, real work, from home. Rarely happens. I just cannot focus as well at home. But THINGS NEEDED TO BE DONE.  Like how I phrase important things in all caps? Gives them greater effect.  Anyway, lots of work was done. Hours of work.  This occurred while the "slimy but good" pot roast was cooking and the "yummy" cookies and the "somewhat crispier" cookies were baking.  Yes, it was family dinner day and although B said the pot roast was slimy, I will forgive him because (a) he does not like gravy - silly boy, (b) he also said it was good, and (c) he did not suffer from food poisoning or immediately contract a violent stomach virus like after last week's cooking.  But that's a post for another day....

*That word does not have the same effect if the accent is not present on the e.  Touche to that as well.

She Who Laughs Last Gets the Cookie

At a reader request, I have diagrammed my parking story where a lady parked behind me after I drove through the parking space and then inexplicably wanted me to move after I apologized.  Not sure the diagram really helps though. I believe it is puzzling because it just does not make any sense. We were both parked - no reason for anyone to move. As you can see she would have been only slightly closer to the store if she had been where I was.  

Posting this, however, reminded me of another story of cutting in front of people but this time I was the cutee* or the-one-who-was-cut-in-front-of.  A few weeks ago I decided to go to Panera to get some yummy soup for lunch.  I was on the phone with my mom while I waited to be called next in line.  (No worries, I do not talk on the phone or hold it to my ear while I am ordering and paying at a restaurant, or in a bank or in a store -  I have some manners). The way this place is set up, there are five different cashiers spread out over about 12 feet.  So, people form one general line and wait for the next available cashier to wave them over.  At the time, I was the only "people" waiting. Suddenly, I see two men walk in, walk AROUND me and proceed to stand in front of me as I if I were just standing there like some lost little child.  I immediately said to my mom "I have to go, it's an emergency" and hung up my phone.  I needed total concentration.

I put on my real angry face and huffed.  No one listened. The guys got called to a register and, as luck would have it, I was called to one two down from them. There was another customer between us.  I ordered my soup and drink and also a chocolate chip cookies (god, I love those things).  The cookies are usually placed out in front of the cash registers and can disappear quickly.  I had not yet taken my cookie, and was just about to put my change away, when I hear one of the two rude guys say "and a chocolate chip cookie."  That was it - game on!!

As soon as I heard those words, I quickly scanned the cookies, saw ONE chocolate chip cookie and swooped right in. I reached ACROSS the person in between us and snatched the last chocolate chip cookie while saying Ha! inside my head.  As I took the cookie, I heard the cashier say "it appears we have no more chocolate chip cookies."  Double Ha!  Who's going to cut in front of me now? Huh? The person WITHOUT a chocolate chip cookie.  That's who.

Guess who didn't have the last laugh? That would be me. I sauntered over to the pop machine, all proud of myself and my not so secret revenge**, and as I put my cup down on the counter and reached for a straw, rude man came and filled his glass, right under my nose.  Well played, rude man, well played.  He probably deserved a cookie for that slick maneuver. Too bad, I had the last one.

Maybe I did have the last laugh after all.  

UPDATE:  This post made me want Panera so I went today. The cashier must have recognized me because after I said I wanted a cookie and then noticed there were no chocolate chip ones, I started to say "do you have any..." and she replied "yes" and went to retrive a chocolate chip cookie without me specifying what kind.  So, she either thinks I am (a) a crazy lunatic that will do evil unspeakable things for a chocolate chip cookie or (b) I am a cool avenger righting the wrongs in the world one cookie at a time.  I'd like to think (a) but the truth is she probably thinks (b) and just wanted me the heck out of the place!

*this is obviously not a word. Spell check keeps wanting to make it cutey, but that would take away from the viciousness of this crime.

**I am not normally so vengeful. At least, I don't normally act on my vengence.  Don't judge.  It was a cookie you know. A very, very good cookie.  

Memos and Briefs on Driving

MEMO

To:  Guy Driving to the Left of Us

From: Me

It is NOT okay to drive down the street without a shirt on.  Especially when it is below 50 degrees out and I am wearing gloves.  Especially when we cannot tell if you are wearing pants. That will result in me yelling to B - "BUT IS HE WEARING PANTS?"  That mystery remains unsolved.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MEMO

To:  Guy Driving to the Right of US

From:  Me

If you have to hold an ice pack to the side of your head while driving, you probably should not be driving - concussion and all.  I see you have a passenger.  Perhaps your passenger can drive? And perhaps along the way he can take you to a hospital for your injuries.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MEMO

To: Lady in the Lane Next to Me

From: Me

Hi! Perhaps you did not see me, driving in my own lane, going the speed limit next to you. I know you want to be where I am, who doesn't?  However, you cannot beep at me as if I am doing something wrong because you have decided RIGHT AT THAT MINUTE that you MUST be where I am. Relax!  You can either (a) speed up and get in front of me or b) slow down and get behind me. Putting on your turn signal will not help either.  Here's the thing - our cars are side by side. You cannot be where I am without slowing down or speeding up. And, no, it is not MY job to assist you in lane changing.  If you continue to beep, I will just smirk at you.  You know how mad that makes you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BRIEF -

The other day I was driving behind a guy with a personalized license plate that said " I TILE".  At first I thought the meaning was so clear - "oh he tiles! Like floors and things."  That was immediately followed by - "but what if he plays Scrabble? What if he plays Scrabble and is always looking for the 'i' tile?  Or he always wins using the 'i' tile?"  Now the license plate isn't so clear anymore is it?  Am I the only one that thought of Scrabble?  Please don't answer that.  

BRIEF -

The other day I went to the grocery store and was happy to see a parking space up front and then ecstatic to see that I could pull through it to avoid reversing in the future.  Reversing is so troublesome.  I just like to move forward.  As soon as I put the car in park, I saw an SUV about to pass me and it dawned on me that this woman may have seen the empty parking space I was in and hoped, like I, that she could get a space up front.  However, she was not in my lane at the time and she did not have a turn signal on.  Nothing clued me in besides a hunch.  My hunch was right because she ended up parking in the spot behind me after completing a 17 point turn to get into it.  This made me feel bad.  And for some reason, I decided to apologize.

Heading to the back of my vehicle where I keep my reusable grocery bags (I am so green!), I see her get out of her vehicle and I say "I'm sorry. I did not realize you were planning on parking here or I never would have pulled through."  And then, this happened:

She got back into her vehicle and started her car!!

What the heck? Did she REALLY think I was going to apologize, get back into my car, start it and MOVE IT?  And move it to where? So she could pull through and then I could pull behind her? What is this musical parking spaces?  So I did what anyone would do, I turned around and got my bags out of my car.  She proceeded to turn off her car and get back out.  I apologized again and she glared at me and went into the store.

No good deed goes unpunished. Lesson learned - do not apologize especially when you did not do anything wrong. Some might take it as an admission of guilt.  And some might want you to unexplainably move your vehicle.  Next time, just park.

April Moments

This was a busy month but it began with two very special occasions - a fabulous trial victory and my first wedding anniversary, both equally celebrated! Other things happened this month:

Vanity plate day -

A day when all I saw were vanity plates. First, I was at a red light. There was a convertible in front of me and two cars in front of her. We were all waiting to turn right. The little green arrow comes on. The cars in front of her go, but the woman in front of me will not go. No amount of honking will make her budge. In fact, when I honk, she points to the red light. I then proceed to point at and shout "green arrow." Does not help her. She must think green arrow is just some pretty sign to match the red light, like Christmas. Just as the light turns green and we FINALLY get to turn right, I notice her license plate "IM Jammin." Yes you are, honey, just at a VERY slow pace.

During the same trip I saw "Nvestg8or" - apparently NOT an undercover one and "PAID FO" which just cracked me up.

Kitchen decorations -

Someone in charge at work decided that they no longer liked the plastic forks, spoons, and knives to be in the containers facing up claiming that everyone would then touch the ends we were supposed to eat with. However, with them facing downward, no one would know what they are (despite the fact that they have been in the same positions for years). So that person made labels to put above the utensils. Well, hilarity ensued. Labels on sticky notes were EVERYWHERE - microwave, fridge, ice maker - you name it - there was a label. In fact, someone astutely labeled the sticky notes as labels. My coworker got a pic of it. If I can get it from her I will post it because it was just TOO much. Yeah, sometimes I really love TNP.

Just desserts -

Have you ever been driving down the road and something crazy happens and you think to yourself "where is a cop when you need one?" This month such thing occurred and no sooner had I thought it then a cop appeared and pulled that ass over. Never have I laughed so hard in my life. Just desserts indeed.

These are just a couple. I would be here for the next three months listing them all. No wonder I feel like I never get anything done!