Plant, Palmer, and Page: Sounds Like a Rock and Roll Band

The other day B and I were on our way to dinner with friends. B likes to listen to either (a) talk radio or (b) sports. I prefer to listen to neither. Unless it is talk radio. Then I make fun of the callers, even if I have no clue what they are talking about. B loves this.

So on this particular day, B was listening to actual sports. A football game to be exact. I did not think I was listening until I heard the announcer say "Robert Plant just fell on the field" or something like that.  This intrigued me:

Me: Did that guy just say the player's name was ROBERT PLANT?

B: Yes, but it is just his name.

Me: Well, I know.  But now all I can think of are women in black dresses and the player snapping his fingers singing "Simply Irrestible" (Note: I may have sung a verse or two here).

B: What? That's Robert Palmer not Robert Plant.

Me:  That's right. Easy mistake since they were in a band together.

B: WHAT? No they were not.

Me: Um, YES THEY WERE.

B: No. You are crazy.

Me: I am going to look it up.

Me: ...

Me: Huh. I may have been thinking about Robert Page and Robert Plant.

B: Oh. Were they in a band together or something?

Smartass.

 

Roly Poly Bugs Have Nothing to Do with Watermelons

The other day when it was about a bazillion degrees out, I decided to eat some watermelon. Nothing odd about that, right? What was odd was when I looked to my left and a bug was running up to me. A water bug!  I decided that was hilariously clever and took to Twitter to tell the world about the irony of such events.

Then B came upstairs and I relayed the story to him.  His exact words? "Couldn't have been a water bug."  He was so definitive and stern. And so wrong. Why, yes it was a water bug, I KNOW WHAT A WATER BUG LOOKS LIKE, I GREW UP COLLECTING THEM! (Maybe I didn't tell him that last part as it sounds kind of serial killer like).  B was insistent and then informed me that waterbugs are really roaches and that landlords just call them that so people won't complain about them.

Then I lost my shit.

ROACHES? ARE YOU SAYING I JUST KILLED A ROACH? WE HAVE ROACHES? I GREW UP WITH ROACHES? I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THIS IS TRUE.

He tells me to Google it, so I do and I get this:

INSERT AWFUL IMAGE OF GROSS ROACH BUG HERE.

Seriously, I cannot even pick one for you to look at because they are all freaking me out.

Suffice it to say, that is NOT what I saw and NOT what I killed and most definitely NOT what I collected as an oddball child that might have serial killer tendencies but never killed anything.  What was I referring to? Well, as I said to B:

No, no, no.  My bug was like a roly poly type thing that rolls into a ball when you touch it.  I then googled "roly poly bug" and up came this:

source: flickr.com

Much cuter, right? People (other than me) collect them and give them playgrounds even:

source: toyreport.org

Nobody needs to use their imaginations these days. Geesh!  Also, I no longer feel like the biggest used to be nerd kid.

While I am relieved to note I do not have roaches, it kind of makes the whole watermelon story a lot less ironic, doesn't it?

Also? I write about bugs a lot.

Crime Watch Wednesday: Is it Really an OUIL if You Are Sleeping or if the Car is Not Moving?

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday brings us the tale of a sleepy drunk or drunk sleeper. You be the judge.

A man was spotted sleeping in his car, slumped behind the wheel in the early morning hours. The keys were not in the ignition, but in the console. The car was not running however, the front tire was blown out. The man reeked of alcohol and placed himself at a location approximately 100 miles from where he actually was. He refused all sobriety tests and was arrested for operating a vehicle under the influence.

OUIL, really? The vehicle wasn't moving. Heck, the keys were not even in the ignition. Maybe the guy never even drove the car. Are they solely relying on the fact that he said he was actually 100 miles from where he was? Maybe he walked, or stumbled, there. Maybe he parked his car 100 miles away*, stumbled back there drunk and decided to sleep it off. And now he is facing charges. What's a 100 miles to a drunk? I mean a SLEEPY person.

Is there no justice in this world??

Now THIS is operating under the influence:

No doubt about that one. Hi, Dukes of Hazzard** lady! Also? Rumor has it she tried to get BACK in the car and drive again. After she landed.

That's some scary stuff.

*Okay, now I am thinking of that Proclaimers song "I Would Walk 500 Miles." Maybe the songwriter was in a similar situation? Huh.

**I totally had to Google "Dukes of Hazzard" because spell check was telling me I spelled "Hazzard" wrong. Apparently spellcheck is not a fan of bad 70s TV shows. And by "bad", I mean "hella good."

***In other news, songs and lyrics seem to be a theme around here lately. That is totally unintentional. I cannot plan my day let alone an entire blog theme. Just so you know.

It's the Little Things that Lead to the Big Things that Lead to Everything a/k/a How the Little Things Made Our 2009

It is funny how a year goes by so quickly even though so much happens. Sometimes, when I haven't seen someone in a while, the person may ask me to catch them up and tell them what has happened over the past year. I almost always draw a blank. Maybe I will remember the big things: we got our first house, our third cat, our first dog. We had our first grown up party, our first Halloween, our first block party (which I still haven't written about). But the little things like our first fire in the fireplace? Those things are often forgotten.

So in my year in review post, I am going to concentrate on the small things. The things I would have forgotten if not for this blog. I hope you enjoy taking the walk down memory lane with me.

January

B noticed that I was wearing glasses every day - after 6 months! Meanwhile, I remembered I inadvertently lied to a woman at an eyeglass store about being married and had to use my brother as a fake husband. P.S. I am still wearing glasses every day and now B thinks I look strange without them.

I told B I planned on getting a dog that was big enough to ride away on. Instead, we got Jersey. The only thing that can ride her at this point is Brad.

My Dad foiled a robbery without meaning to or immediately realizing it. That takes talent.

February

We "met" our backyard neighbor who would later become known as the longgrassed man. For this we are grateful as he has provided endless hours of entertainment. P.S. B still doesn't have blinds in that room.

I had my girls smashed for the first time in the name of science. Or preventative medicine. Or the doctor's personal S&M fetish. You decide.

March

I made an effort to cook more often. If, by effort, one means texting her husband to pick up all of the ingredients.

The post that gets me the most search hits EVER was born. Thank you dear spammer because some of those people have actually stayed.

B had the greatest birthday ever, thanks to me. Who doesn't want a birthday present scavenger hunt?

April

B experienced a car wreck that sounded like a scene out of a movie right down to the one liners "And to think...I was just singing a song..."

We decided that we were better off not being superheros since B wanted to be evil and I wanted to be good. Probably a good thing only one of us was radioactive.

May

I was ousted as a riddler by some cheater at Potbellys. And Google rules the world.

My gallbladder was removed which would be my second ectomy in the last couple of years. No "ectomy" is not a word but you know what it means - appendectomy, gallbladderectomy. Well, really there is a different word for that last one but what do you want? I am no doctor.

June

I realized I was living in the movie Footloose when the local paper revealed someone called the cops on a dancing man. But it was raining after all.

B spent many hours making the perfect lamp for my Dad for Father's Day. Who doesn't want something you can read by and also use for grease fires? Multitasking is always a good thing.

July

My parents found an extra special surprise when pulling into their neighborhood one day. Cartoon graffiti took on a whole new meaning.

Crime Watch Wednesday was born with a post about a tragic tandem bicycle accident. Well, actually it wasn't tragic at all as the cyclists just went about their way. That is, unless you count the fact that a driver managed to not see a tandem bicycle. He obviously doesn't wear his glasses every day.

August

B grew pumpkins the size of REALLY BIG pumpkins. He later brought the pumpkins home where we used the cats as props to show their size. We will put those cats next to anything. It is the price they pay for a roof over their head and way too much food to eat apparently.

B found the perfect plant to put in our garden for me until the evil rabbit stole it. Luckily many more grew to take its place and the sun was back in my world.

September

I learned that the legal world and the zombie world are very much alike. In fact, some days I have trouble telling them apart. Also, judges watch movies. It is almost like they are human.

Special guest, Virginia, stopped by to answer some unanswered questions about past posts, including what happened to the plant the evil rabbit ate. Virginia also declared Chester the prettiest cat around. He is still wearing his tiara.

October

Our favorite breakfast place underwent renovations which resulted in unintentional hilarity. I still scrutinize that place. We still go there every week. They have great food and great waitresses and now feature spellcheck.

B decided that Mooch was probably not the best bed partner. Mooch just grinned evilly and snidely remarked "payback's a bitch."

November

I debated whether beef had a smell. I won.

My true psychic ability revealed itself. Unfortunately the only plus side was that I realized I would be able to tell 8 hours in advance when my questions about Janet Jackson would be answered. Baby steps.

December

Became hooked on the most god awful excuse for reality TV on the air. Thanks B! Also, was a psychic foreshadowing of the puppy. Who knew such trash could be connected to something so wonderful?

I spent the holiday season cursing like a sailor while my Mom serenaded me.

This was quite the year! I cannot wait to see what 2010 has in store for us.

Stay tuned...

A T-Shirt in a Tree? Genius and Tacky.

I don't know if you know this, but Michael Jackson died. Yes, it was sudden and tragic and sad. It was also opportunistic for those so inclined. One of those people was a guy down the street from us. Well, really down the street, left, DOWN the street and on the right. Meaning: not in our neighborhood but over THERE.* This guy jumped on the MJ bandwagon almost immediately following his death and whipped up a bunch of T-shirts to sell. He sold them in front of his house.

Between two trees.

That's right. One clothesline, two nails and THOUSANDS of tshirts later and he was in business. That's right - thousands. You know how I know this? He is STILL selling those tshirts.

It has been 49 days since MJ died. A month and a half. He is STILL selling those tshirts. Well, actually, the proper wording would be he is still offering them for sale. No one is buying that I can tell. You see, the peak time has come and gone. Now it is just getting sad.

I noticed him that first week of MJ's death. It was 11 pm at night. I couldn't even see what was on the frickin' tshirts it was so dark. That did not stop people from pulling over on the side of the road and buying them. His business was on FIRE**.

49 days later? Not so much. B told me there was even a writeup in the paper about this guy. Hell, that was 39 days ago. Anyway, the writer indicated that the guy, fancying himself an entrepreneur, overestimated his market. You think? Actually I think the writer underestimated that statement.

Now, even the quality of tshirts is dwindling. They were never that great (basically a photo of one of MJ's album covers printed on a shirt), but they weren't half bad. White and black*** mostly. Now? Bright red, neon yellow and I swear the last time I drove by it looked like it might have been Fat Albert on the tshirt. MJ is NOT Fat Albert.

Wait. Was he?****

*The BAD neighborhood. You know? The one the neighbor feared Katie ran off to?

**Insert bad MJ joke here.

***But not Black and White because that would be an actual MJ song I heard just today. Coincidence?

****Seriously, do a Google search and you will find someone really asked that. The answer? Fat Albert is a cartoon character and Michael Jackson was a person. Brilliant!

What Brings You to These Parts?

I am always amazed at what people search to get to this little old blog so I thought I would share some with you:

"the mad hair" scientology - did they mean mad hair scientist?

Good night words to say to your spouse - usually I say "good night", works like a charm

Who is Badass - my bro is, haven't you heard?

swingers - we have a swing, does that count?

"rule breaker" - always

"seth" and "dani" - sound like a cute couple. Who the F is seth??

3 3 legged midgets in a room with 6 women riddle - how is it possible to have 3 legs?

blogspot of dani girls - there is only one dani girl

can spammers get in trouble - nah! But I bet you can get them in trouble

clown makeup - you must mean my neighbor

dani pitt - someone's living in fantasy land. Brad, you have Angelina, isn't that enough?

cyborg husband - that's B

cookie monster logic - that's also B

discount living room furniture - sounds so seedy. It was just Craigslist people!

eyeful spunk - there.are.no.words

fish mammaries - do fish have breasts?

fort knox conspiracy theory - um, k.

how to solve a case of the mondays - wait until Tuesday

hugh jackman have to pee bad - um, k.

ideas for extra rooms - fill them with stuff and call them Dani's Room of Stuff (insert own name)

rugs - yep, we got plenty. Even some from a - discount store *gasp*

sensing a bad case of the mondays - people just dont like Mondays

porn: thick glasses blind without - doesn't sound very fun porn, does it?
wheres dani - where is that bitch? She hasn't posted since last Monday!

Real post tomorrow folks.

Riddles Are Easy When You Cheat

Potbellys always has riddles. I never know the answer even when pressured. They had the same riddle for days last week:

A sundial has the fewest parts of all time pieces. What has the most?

I thought about it once, decided it was making my head hurt and never thought about it again. On Friday, when I was in there, a guy strolled up behind me and said, without any preface:

"I haven't given this much thought but an hourglass?"

Bastard! At first, I thought "What a show off" and then I thought, "why is he so much smarter than me?" Then I realized that a mere moment before, I had heard the sandwich guy ask him "same thing as yesterday?" Obviously he had been in there the day before, read the riddle, and Googled the answer! Sure enough, when I got home, I googled it and found the answer. You know what that means, don't you?

That bastard is STILL smarter than me.

So there you have it...the first real riddle on this site courtesy of a sandwich shop and the answer courtesy of same random guy who cheated with Google.

Can I Interest You in a Rhyme Instead?

Well even though I ponder life and this is called Riddle Me This, I am officially no good at riddles. See my prior post as evidence. So in response to these search queries I offer you either sage advice and wisdom or a fun rhyme:

riddle - she likes road not streets

I am not sure what the difference is between a road and a street. Maybe one is dirt and one is paved? She likes dirt but not tar? I offer you this rhyme instead:

She likes roads

But not streets

She is dirty

And not neat

Who likes dirt

When they can have tar?

Dirt takes you nowhere

Streets take you far.

can you see what I see not riddles

No. I cannot see what you see and it appears you do not want riddles. Would you like a rhyme?

Can you see what I see?

Can you hear what I hear?

Oops. That is actually a Christmas carol. Next.

something nobody wants but when someone has it does not want to lose it riddle

This sounds like a true riddle. Thus, I am quite incapable of solving it let alone writing it. If you find the answer, please come back and tell us. In the meantime, I offer you this rhyme:

That which nobody desires

Is often that which somebody has

And that which often lights your fires

Is often that which you get last

Not a true rhyme, but deal with it. I am taking artistic license here. I am also using the word “artistic” REALLY loosely.

riddles about why the cats is such gossip

This is new. But I must say, now that I think about it, those cats ARE such gossip. I am constantly walking in to find the cats huddled together looking at me all wide eyed like they had been caught. I used to think they were interrupted mid sweet loving, but now I know I just interrupted their gossip. And don’t even get me started about those glances they throw each other across the room. You may not speak cats, but you gossip like no others!

And I cannot rhyme with the word gossip. How about tales?

Why do cats tell such tall tales?

Why do cats gossip so?

Is it because my cats are males

That they gossip to and fro

What are they talking about them cats?

Food and napping, bugs and gnats?

How much fun can it be

To gossip without ever speaking

Ha! A switcheroo at the end, no rhyme. So artistic I am.

you can fill me but I never lie riddles

Um, okay, this sounds kind of like a torture device. Maybe a water torture device such as “you can fill me up with as much water as you want and prevent me from using the bathroom, but I will never lie.” Now why anyone would want to do that is beyond me. And why anyone would want to force you to lie is beyond me. If you won’t lie, can’t they just find the next person to lie? This one has me baffled. Huh. Maybe it is a riddle after all.

cats such gossip+riddles

Okay, I thought it was a little much that my cats may gossip, but tell riddles? That might be pushing it. Although they do look at me strangely and snicker sometimes. That is a riddle unto itself

who am I riddles for a fax machine

This one is my favorite. Who would want to write a riddle about a fax machine? Are they really that mysterious? Are they even that fun to talk about? Are they even used anymore? Here’s the riddle – why aren’t you PDFing and/or emailing your documents? Think about that for a while. Save a tree.

fake curse word riddles

The riddle here is why would you use fake curse words when the real ones are so much fun? I do like me some fake words though, so here are some fake curse words for you. Feel free to use them in a riddle:

Dangnabbit

Motherfuddrucker (fun blog alert: )

Frickin’

Frackin’

Effin’

Flippin’

Fark

Fork

Knife (just seeing if you are paying attention, the rest are perfectly acceptable)

riddle three three seven boxes move

Hmmm..337 boxes and how do you move them? With a VERY big truck. Or you could put the three boxes and the three boxes into the seven boxes, but then you would just say six boxes in seven boxes.

I’m lost. Just hire a mover.

christmas riddle game peppermint stick

Have yet to hear about this fun sounding Christmas game. What DO you do with that peppermint stick. Is it like hiding the pickle in the tree? Probably smells a lot better. Let me see if I can come up with a rhyme:

In this very merry season

The kids all shout with glee

For it is time and without reason

To hid peppermint inside the tree

Not gum, or candy, or chew

But a stick that is long and yummy

Hide one for me and one for you

Race to finish in the tummy

That sounded a bit obscene. Next.

guys at the bar sweeping laughing riddle*

The true riddle here? Why are guys in a bar sweeping laughing? They should be crying. Unless they have been drinking a LOT. Then I wouldn’t really trust their sweeping. Or maybe they are just happy they have a job? Let’s try a rhyme:

It’s closing time, the doors are shut

Now we can be silly and act like a nut

Although we must clean

And sweep through and through

We can still have fun

In all that we do

Pick up your broom and get to sweeping

So we can laugh to prevent from weeping

Google on people. Google on.

Say What?!?

It is always entertaining to me to look at the search terms for the people that stumble upon my blog. I thought it would be even more entertaining to answer the search terms as if they were questions posed to me:

Old becomes new quotes

I will take a stab at this:

“What’s old becomes new again”

Profound, right? Hope that helped.

"3 envelope pot roast"

Good stuff.

what is three jacks in can you see what i see

I give. What does the question even mean? Three jacks in the can? Three jacks you can see? Do you have a deck of cards? Are you missing a jack? Can you see three? Query solved.

If you are talking about jackasses. There are more than three in this world and they will definitely make their presence known. Sadly, I cannot see what you see, but if you provide me with a picture that would help.

mugs that say who's your santa

I always thought there was only one Santa, but you have proven me wrong by asking that question. Perhaps we can take out an ad or a missing person’s report to find out who exactly our Santa is. Does everyone have their own Santa? Because that would be a lot of Santas flying around and a heck of a lot of reindeer and reindeer poop. This is truly a riddle.

mickey rourke gold tooth

Yes, I believe Mickey Rourke does have a gold tooth. At first I was perplexed as to why he had one, but then I took a second glance at his outfit and it all began making sense. You may want to google “mickey rourke fashion” and that will explain it for you.

"mark wahlberg is short"

Yes he is. That is a fact. It sounds like both you and I, however, were caught off guard as to how short he actually is. I still love him though. You should too.

ponytail gone

This usually happens when you remove the ponytail holder. Do not panic. Wrap your hair with a ponytail holder again and voila your ponytail will be back! It is like magic…but the exact opposite.

new glasses "strong"

I can see from your visit that you know I had this problem. I imagine that most people have this problem with new glasses especially if your prescription changed or if, like me, you decide “prescription mescription” (that’s a technical term), and just go all wild and free without changing your prescription for 6 years. Talk about strong!

"my glasses" thick or blind

I hope if you are wearing glasses, you are not blind because really, what’s the point? Now, if you feel blind when taking off your thick glasses, you are not alone. I can only see things within three inches of my face. Aside from the cats, there is nothing usually that close to my face at all times.

P.S. If your glasses are still thick, look into getting those new superthin lenses. You may still be blind but people will make fun of you less. Unless you are married to my husband. Then you should google “polygamy” while I google “divorce” because there ain’t no Big Love happening around here.

i was blind without my glasses

So was I. Aren’t glasses magical little devices?

judgical indiscretion

I think you meant “judicial indiscretion” because, sadly, there is no such word as judgical. Yes, I made it up. Yes it sounds official. Maybe if more people catch on we can make it word. Want to start a revolution? Or a judgicaloution?

shots pinch needles

Shots pinch and they involve needles. If you feel a pinch but don’t see a needle, you have just been pinched. Probably with fingers. If you get a shot and it doesn’t pinch, you are a tough guy or all the nerves in your arm are dead.

And that, folks, was just the batch that did not involve the word "riddle." Those searches will be addressed on a different day.

Google on!