I Ant Liking This

Ants! Yes, ants are in our house. Big, mean, ugly ants! I am so distraught.  I made this discovery last night on my way to bed.  As I was passing through the dining room I spotted Chester staring intently at something.   As you know, he is the hunter.  After turning on the light I see a big, ugly ant.  I grab a tissue. Chester strolls nonchalantly over to his water bowl to get a drink.  Thanks for your help great hunter. Geesh!  This is when the drama started to unfold...

I take my tissue over to the floor by the wall and decide that I must squish the ant so he doesn't crawl on me.  I apply the tissue to the wall, hear a popping sound, and feel something sharp on my finger.  I shriek, jump back and start yelling about how that ant "bit" me!  I see it running behind our fish tank.  I yell some more about this ant biting me. No response from B from the other room.  I walk down the hall and yell some more, pondering whether it bit me, stung me, or if I was "burned" by its goo (whatever that means - I clearly was not thinking straight). B responds with an unenthusiastic "where did he go?" without even looking up. I go back to my tissue and discover a dead ant on it. There was more than one!   I walk back with my tissue and tell B he must see this big, ugly ant.  He declares that is, in fact, big and ugly.  I flush it, jump and shriek a little (why I don't know) and decide I am done with this whole ant situation and going to bed.

Well, now B has some interest.He wants to know where the other one went.  He also wants to know where they came from. How the heck am I supposed to know that just by seeing one walk across the carpet?  You see, last year, we also had a small ant problem - in that the ants were SMALL not huge.  A couple of ant traps later, no problem.  So, we walk back into the dining room, turn on the light and there is the ant in the middle of the room running across the carpet! Where is Chester you ask? Staring at the fish tank.  Thanks for your help, Chester! Really, we got it.  I declare I am not going to kill it as I don't want to get bit, stung or burned with goo again. So I just stand there, point at it, and warn B to "be careful."  Then I turn toward Chester to lecture him:

Me:  Chester, you are FIRED.

Chester: [looks up at my blankly]

Me:  You saw that ant and did not kill it.

Me:  And what about that other ant, huh?  Are you just going to let the ants walk all over our house literally?

Meanwhile, Chester listened to me intently, but, alas, did not understand a word I said.  So I turned my focus to the big spider in the corner of the ceiling - okay let me pause here - generally I have a problem killing anything, including bugs.  Obviously that does not apply to big, mean, ugly ants, but it does apply to spiders unless they, too, are big, mean and ugly.  However, I think spiders are useful in that they kill other bugs, usually. Which brings us back to my point. I ask B "why didn't that spider up there (pointing to the spider) kill these ants?"  B said he was too far up and didn't care.  "Didn't care? Is that not his food?" I exclaim.  To the spider:

Me:  You are FIRED!

Me:  There is food running all around this carpet and you are up there sleeping in the corner - it's not even winter yet.  Why are you hibernating?

I then proceed to bed. B follows 10 minutes later and informs me that he just killed another ant in our bathroom. They are everywhere. Everywhere!

This morning, I had the pleasure of killing three more of the same ants! In the bathroom - walking along the floor, on the wall, hiding from me. I got them all, but I know there is more. Where ARE they coming from?  We live on the second floor. How do they get up here? Do they sneak in when we open the door and then a day later make it to the top of the staircase? And that does not explain their friends. Unless the one that makes it to the top is pregnant.  Hmmm...this is all too much for me to ponder.  I just want the ants to go away.  Maybe if I could get Chester AND the spider to (a) do something and (b) coordinate their efforts, we could get this problem solved quickly.

Yes, I am crazy. But you already knew that, right?