Crime Watch Wednesday: I Lost My Dog and My Man, But This Ain't No Country Song

It's been a while, hasn't it?  Over two weeks. I am tried of giving you the same refrain "I had a trial. It is tiring.  Litigating is hard." However, I will say this one was crazy because I basically had to try the same case twice, one week at a time, in front of a different jury each time.  And guess what? I won one and lost the other. Go figure. The best news? I think I am done with trials for a while.  Whew! It has been a long 10 months.

It is Wednesday which is typically Crime Watch Wednesdays around here. When I remember. This week I bring you a special Crime Watch Wednesday starring me, B and Jersey. We haven't made the Crime Watch Chronicles. Yet.

So it was the night before my trial. The first one. I decided to go to bed around 11 and B thought he would let Jersey out for one more bathroom break so she could go to bed with me.  As I am making the bed (yes sometimes I make the bed at night) I hear B yell out Jersey's name in that panicked you-better-get-back-here-right-now voice. The last time he yelled that out, she had run across two streets to go "play" with some dogs being walked by their owner. They were not fun dogs and she was soon cowering back.  Anyway, I ran over to the bedroom window to find B walking down the street with a flashlight. Not a good sign.

I did not even put on a coat, but just ran out in my pajama pants and sweatshirt. I could not see either of them. Having no idea what had happened, I decided I would go in the opposite direction that I saw B head, just in case Jersey was some super ninja dog that went left, fooled B, and then went right.  Just as I made it to the corner I heard B yelling Jersey's name again from the opposite end of the block.  I turned and started to make my way back there, all the time hearing B yelling her name.

At this point I am walking down the street with the following thoughts going through my head:

"I cannot believe we lost our dog the day before my trial."

"How am I going to sleep tonight?"

"How am I going to try a case tomorrow when I will be thinking my dog is lost and dead somewhere?"

"Why do we keep losing our flippin' animals?"

Just then, I see Jersey dart across the street and on to my same sidewalk.  I excitedly called her name and clapped and she came booking straight toward me just as I heard a car come down the street.  I prayed she would just come straight to me and thankfully she did.  I made her sit and called B's name a few times, but he had vanished.  So I walked Jersey home, locked her up inside and went back out yelling B's name.  Well trying to yell quietly. It was late at night after all.

Finally, I spotted him far away, got his attention and told him I had her.  As he got closer he said "did she have a rabbit in her mouth?" Um, no.  Apparently she took off after a rabbit before B could even say her name. When I heard him yell the second time when I was in the street she took off between some houses never to be seen again.  As we are discussing this two more cars drive down the street. Police.  Of course. Our yelling was not going to go unnoticed.

They did not stop.

You see two people out in the cold late at night, yelling, one wearing pajama pants and you just drive by.

Policing is hard work people.

Apparently so is pet ownership.

Could I ever do anything wrong?

If It Is Going to Be a Bad Day When You See a Werewolf, What Happens When You Are Standing Barefoot in the Cold?

Remember about a week or two ago when I said I had a bad day that started with a werewolf sighting?  Well, I topped myself without even trying.  Every week it is my job to take out the recycling on garbage day.  If I was not the hugest procrastinator around, I would do this the evening before.  That, however, is not in my nature.  So I do it the morning of pickup.  I had the routine down to a science, or so I thought.

You see, our front door does not self lock. Neither does our back door, but for an entirely different reason.  Often I have told friends, family, and delivery men not to worry about the door shutting or slamming behind me, "it won't lock me out."  You know what this means, right? IT FLIPPING LOCKED ME OUT.

Of course that would be the morning I elected not to wear socks or shoes despite the fact that it was under 50 degrees. I was also in a tshirt with wet hair having just gotten out of the shower.  No keys. No phone. No mad survivor skills.

It was 6:30 a.m.

It was dark. It was cold. I was PISSED. I think I said something like "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!" I looked around our very dark neighborhood. No one was up. And if they were, what where they going to do for me?  So I go to the back where we have a spare key in a lockbox. I don't know the code.

I DON'T KNOW THE CODE TO GET MY OWN SPARE KEY TO MY OWN HOUSE.

And it is dark and I cannot see. And I have no shoes. Did I mention that?  

I go back up front to see if I can force the door open and see the hip neighbor guy taking his garbage out. I run over there with my lockbox and scream "DO YOU KNOW THE CODE TO THIS?"  Sadly, he did not. But his wife did because she lets Jersey out for us occasionally. He invites me inside and then says "Are you not wearing any shoes?" 

I DIDN'T PLAN THIS YOU KNOW!!

So I got in and ready for work, although I never really got warm again. When I got to work I sent B a text that said:

FYI - Should you go outside with wet hair and no shoes on, you will get locked out in the dark having forgotten the code to the lockbox.

To which he replied:

Don't worry. I know it.

There is a lesson here folks.  Teach your dog how to open doors. Because, as it turns out, the door was not even locked.  The door handle on the outside just wasn't working properly. Had Jersey pushed down on the inside door handle, I could have gotten in. Instead she ran from window to window wondering what fun I was having outside.  I was having a blast. An arctic blast.

Tomorrow is garbage pickup day. What are the odds that I:

1. Wear shoes
2. Wear a sweatshirt
3. Lock myself out
4. Remember the code
5. Learn any lesson from all of this

I better start training Jersey right now.

Crime Watch Wednesday - The Gift that Really Isn't a Present and Also Doesn't Require Police Intervention

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday illustrates that unwanted gifts can be a "crime" at least in the victim's eyes.

A resident called the police after her recently adopted dog brought a "gift" into her kitchen in the middle of the night. Suspecting the gift was a live mouse, she trapped it under a pan, and naturally called the police. The police responded quickly. Their investigation revealed that the mouse was actually a baby bunny. They then attempted to return the bunny near the area where they believe the dog picked it up.

And this is why I don't take the dog out to pee in the middle of the night. Also, I like my sleep. Seriously, though, I am a baby. If Jersey brought me a "gift" of a mouse I would F-REAK out! There would be screaming. There would be dancing around. More screaming. Some jumping. And then probably a silent scream. You know the one? Mouth wide open, bulging eyes, no sound. Yep. That sounds about right.

You know what WOULDN'T happen? I wouldn't call the police. Somehow it would never occur to me to call the police to deal with my rat.* Oh, I also have a husband so I would probably wake him. If I didn't have a husband, I would probably call my Dad (Hi Dad - LOVE you). Or just totally abandon my house. Hell, I have been known to abandon an entire floor of the house over a bug.

Really, though, I don't know what is worse - the fact that the woman called the police or that they called this an "investigation." What did they investigate? They looked at the "rat" and saw it was a "bunny." I hope they didn't have to take a lot of notes or interview a lot of people.

The best part though is the last part. They attempted to return the bunny to the spot they thought the dog got it from. Now how in the heck would they even begin to know that? Having my own recently adopted go, I am pretty sure if I tried to get Jersey to show me where she got a rabbit she would do one of three things (1) wag her tail while attempting to lick my face, (2) pee, (3) immediately lay down and go to sleep.

I think I'll just stay inside.

*See? I have already escalated it from a mouse to rat. I am so dramatic.

Crime Watch Wednesday: Ring My Bell at Your Own Risk

Remember the last time I posted a Crime Watch Wednesday? My OWN Crime Watch Wednesday that never made it into our crime watch chronicles despite how amazingly hilarious it was? Well, yes, I am still bitter. Why? Because instead of my awesome misdelivered package/horror story/the call is coming from ACROSS THE STREET debacle, the chronicles have just chosen something utterly stupid.

Now I know you are asking yourself - "Really? How could someone calling the cops over a misdelivered package with the recipeint's phone number on it NOT be the dumbest thing ever to call your town's cops about?" Well, readers, let me introduce you to the guy who doesn't know what a doorbell is for:

A local resident recently called the police after someone rang his doorbell. He told police that he was not expecting anyone and, thus, he found the ringing of his doorbell to be a huge breach of security. Apparently the alleged perp a/k/a person ringing the doorbell had not received the resident's security policy. The man was also disturbed because it was 6:00 pm and past his bedtime. Before calling the cops, the man was nice enough to send his son outside to see if there was a burglar or murderer out there. However, no one was seen. The police also attempted to locate the doorbell ringer with no luck.

Someone rang his doorbell. HIS DOORBELL. Why else would you have a doorbell? Hell, if you are expecting someone, then you could just open the door when they arrive with no need for a doorbell. DOORBELLS ARE FOR STRANGERS TO ALERT YOU THAT THEY ARE ON YOUR PORCH. Generally, they mean no harm to you. In fact, I would venture that someone that wanted to hurt you would probably not be so brazen as to ring your bell.

In other news, you are a terrific parent sending your son out there to explore what you feared. You are an even better citizen for sending our police out there to locate this dangerous perp. We can all sleep better tonight. And by tonight I mean at 11 pm. That is when it is really dark.

Dear unknown scared man: the next time someone rings your bell, ignore it. Or, if the noise scares you, disable it. That is what we did.* We have no idea who is on our porch and we like it that way.

In other news, who didn't think of this song when they read this post?

*Actually ours has never worked. Then again, we have never tried to fix it, have we?

We're Swingers!

We got the porch swing!! If you remember, one of the things I loved about our house when we were thinking about purchasing it was the swing on the back porch. B and I sat there and contemplated buying the house and it gave me the best memory. Of course, the former owners took the porch swing with them when they left. I would like to begrudge them, but I know I probably would have done the same. Especially since I think theirs may have been hand made. Ours is from Lowe's. I promise to love it just the same.

Check out the 5 foot beauty:

Yes, the concrete on our back porch is ugly as hell. One day we will remedy that.

So after telling me that it was MY job to get the porch swing and that I should do it the next day, B drove us straight to Lowe's after dinner. In the middle of a rainstorm. With hail. Because you know that is the perfect time to buy a swing.

However, B was the perfect gentlemen and dropped me off under a canopy. At the opposite end of the story. After walking about a mile, I caught up with him and the swing hunt was on. We also looked at grills, but that is a purchase for a different day. By the time we got home it was dark. Later, as I was about to fall asleep in my chair, B called me down to show me that he had put the swing together and hung it - in the dark. Here is proof of his efforts as he adjusted it:

And here it is in all of its fine glory:

And this is what crooked blinds neighbor guy will see when I sit there in the swing in the mornings eating breakfast and pondering why he won't just FIX HIS BLINDS!

I cannot wait for summertime on the porch. Now, if only I had a laptop...

Crime of the Week

Courtesy of our local paper of course:

A man called the police at 3:25 a.m. stating that someone had tried to break into his home. He attempted to catch the thief, chasing him, only to lose him in a neighbor's yard. The police, however, were lightning fast and caught the young thug. It was then determined that the young thug was, in fact, the man's 17 year old son who was attempting to sneak back into the house without waking his parent.

Um, yeah...that plan FAILED. Not only did you wake your parents, you RAN FROM THEM. And then they had to call the cops who also CHASED you and detained you.

On the other side, his parents should take heart, their kid is apparently no thief.

And Then It Was Dark...

Yikes! Is it Thursday already?  Time flies when you are busy at work and then have no inclination to sit at the computer again while at home.  And that is my explanation for my absence.  

So let's talk about Monday.  Yep, all the way three days ago.  The day I had to go back to the office because I was not a millionaire.  I didn't even have secret santa fun/drama in which to partake. A sad day indeed.   It was approximately 3 pm and I found myself staring at the computer screen, having looked at one too many documents, and wondering, when the heck I would get to leave.  Then the answer came.

The lights went out.  

Technically everything went out with a WAH WAH WAHHHHH sound.  It was kind of freaky. No lights, computer, phones, nothing.  A few more tries and the electrical system totally gave out.  People milled out of their offices and cubes and said brilliant things like "we lost electricity" and "what happened to the lights."  I knew we were done because the security lights were on casting a creepy looking haze over the office.  As one coworker pointed out, it looked like we could be in the Cloverfield movie when you walked down the hall.

Excited at the prospect that we might be down for good, people walked around asking others what they thought was happening.  Finding a window I noted the traffic lights were out too. Score!  At that moment someone talked about finding a radio WITH BATTERIES to find out what was happening.  It was then that I pointed out that we had cell phones that worked and could, in fact, make contact with the "outside world." 

So I called my mom.  However in order to call my mom, I had to navigate a totally dark office as I do not have a window office. That is right folks - no window office. First time in my career and sometimes I am bitter.  I make up for it with cozy mood lighting, but it is not the same.  After painfully running smack into my chair, I grab my cell phone, walk out of my office and yell to the two partners within my eye sight:

"I can't see ANYTHING in my office because it is SO DARK in there because I have no WINDOWS! If I had a WINDOW office, I probably wouldn't have ran smack into my office chair while retrieving my phone from the DARK office, would I?"

I am subtle.

A partner handed me a flashlight.  No kidding, I laughed and gave it back to him and ran off to talk to my mom while wandering the halls. My mom knew nothing. Nothing on TV or the internet about our predicament.  So I told her I would call her back.  As I rounded the corner I heard someone say:

"I am going to call the electric company, nobody's thought of that"

And she was right.  I found this to be very hilarious what with the radios with batteries talk like we were at war.  However, I made sure to point out to her that I had DONE SOMETHING.  I had called my mom.

Well, the electric company told us that the power would not be back on until 7 pm.  Twenty minutes later we were cleared to go home. That was not quick enough for one partner who was running around with his coat on yelling "why are you people still here? Are you going to sit around for three hours? Can't you see it is DARK in here? There are no lights."  He had already checked out I guess.

The end result? We all scored some extra hours away from the office.  We all learned some valuable lessons as well:

~A scary place to be when the lights go out is our bathrooms, according to a partner who informed me that's where he was and that there are no windows and apparently no safety/backup lights.  Is that possible? Safe? Legal? Sounds like a problem waiting to happen.  Good thing that other partner had that flash ligh as about 8 women decided to go to the bathroom as a team.  Apparently no electricity makes you have to pee.

~Every entrance door has a keypad operated by what? Electricity. We were not sure we would be able to get back in through any of them.  Of the five in the main entrance, two you could access with your code still, two you could not and one was just totally open to anyone. Fort Knox I tell ya.

~There is absolutely nothing to do in an office without electricity. Not.one.thing.  Except going around unplugging everything in case of a power surge only to have a partner yell out "isn't that what power strips are for?"  The man has a point.

~The correct order to obtain information about a power outage is (1) the electric company, (2) your mom or anyone in the outside world and (3) a battery operated radio.  Of course, the person in charge of the radio only seemed to report traffic news and news from a German station.  That was very helpful.  

~Clients do not care if you have no power. They will show up anyway and will not want to reschedule.   It is fun to just sit across the table from them and remark about the weather or the lack of power. I wouldn't actually know as I did not have clients that day, but that is how I imagined it would be.

~It is hard to actually get word to someone that his clients have arrived without email or a paging system. It involves a lot of walking around.  And if he is walking around at the same time, you could be doing it for hours.

Finally, it is fun to come into the office the next day and have this conversation:

Partner: There are pictures of strangers in my picture frame.

Me: What???

Partner: In my digital picture frame, there are pictures of people I don't know.

Me: Are you sure?

Partner: YES! I DON'T KNOW THEM.

Me: Who are they?

Partner: I dont know. I DON'T KNOW THEM.

Me: Let's take a look.

As I suspected, his USB stick was not plugged into his frame. There were pictures, however, flashing across the frame.

Me: I think those are the pictures that came with the frame...

Partner: Are you sure?

Me: Pretty confident.

Partner: How do you know?

Me: Um, it says "Insignia" on the bottom left corner of every picture and it is an Insignia frame.

Partner:  You are so smart.

Me: Thank you, can I have a raise?

No, I did not ask for a raise. I did, however, threaten to one day replace his pictures with pictures all of me.

And I think I just might do that.

Fall is the Season for Falling.

This weekend B and I accompanied the family to an old time Halloween trick or treat event. You can see some pictures here.  We walked through the village with all the employees in costumes, some even scary.  And we got to trick or treat - as adults. How fun is that? I wasn't even wearing a costume. I am such a spoil sport.  You can also see the treats we got here.

Now, I must say, my family-in-law is no less warped than I which is why I really love them. Let me give you an example.  My nephew starts crying, probably because he was the only one in costume yet he was stuck in a stroller not able to see a thing.  My brother in law took him out to carry him. My sister in law then pushed an empty stroller - well not entirely empty, full of everyone's trick or treat stash.   We enter a VERY dark drawbridge where we have been told there may be a monster. I don't like that. Monsters are not that big of a deal.  Being jumped at and screamed at in the dark on a bridge scares the bejezus out of me.  So, I tell B that he must hold my arm because I am scared. 

B then proceeds to announce to everyone that I am scared because I do not like drawbridges where you can see in between the panels.  Okay, that is true. But I hadn't even noticed that until he said it. I am sweating right now just thinking about it.  B, fondly remembering the terrifying story I told him about my childhood and how I cried all the way across one of these bridges and almost refused to go back, decided it would be funny to try to TRIP ME!  Are you kidding me? My husband is cruel. Plain and simple.

The best part, however, came upon exiting the dark drawbridge. For some reason everyone was screaming inside the drawbridge for no apparent reason (other than I who was screaming at B for being so cruel) until we exited. Just as the crowd quieted down, my sister in law announced "my baby's gone!" to which we all immediately laughed knowing my brother in law had him.  Those around us were not laughing. In fact, we even got a few dirty looks.  Geez, kind of ruins the whole trick part of trick or treat, don't you think people?

I must say, though, that this event was much better than our trip last Christmas when I did not have long johns, froze my butt off and also tripped and fell - to the ground.  My brother in law was kind enough to tell us to watch our step and remind me of that fall this time around.  I like to think he was being kind and protective. Unlike B who, had he remembered, would have said "don't fall" knowing that I would indeed, fall.  Which all stems from this story:

It was our first year together in the fall. We decided to go on a date to the apple orchard.  B thought it would be a good idea to walk down by the river.  On the way up, for no apparent reason, B said "be careful, don't fall" to which I immediately tripped and fell. In the dirt. Which was wet. And it was raining. I looked like a total disaster.  There have been a couple of times since that episode where I have immediately fallen upon B telling me to "watch out", "be careful" and "don't fall."  It is like some bizarre trigger and he knows it and uses it to his advantage. In fact, he may have said it last year at Christmas.  

I wouldn't put it past him. 

Just Say No to Centipedes

Recently I was reading a post by Daddy Likey and it referenced centipedes. There was a drawing and a link to a big ugly picture of a centipede. If you go to her blog, do NOT click on the link as it is sure to frighten you. I know you will probably click it anyway as that is what I did.  She then posted a follow up where she offered her father's explanation as to why centipedes are awesome. I wish I could believe that, but centipedes creep me out.  The thought of them makes me shudder.

It all stems from an experience in my childhood home.  Now, I never liked centipedes and would kill them on sight.  They gave me the heebie jeebies, but even more so after this incident. I was down in our basement which was like any other basement, dark and damp in some places.  I was over in the laundry room by the sink cleaning something or another when I decided it was too dark.  I reached up to the pull cord on the light bulb when I felt something fall on my head. What happened next still gives me nightmares.  I reached up to the top of my head and my hand felt a CENTIPEDE ON MY HEAD.  I screamed, squealed, flung the centipede into the tub, squealed some more and ran upstairs.  Up there I did crazy dances and moves to ensure that I had rid myself of the centipede (even though I saw it in the tub).  All day I imagined things crawling on me.  Things with hundreds of legs. Centipedes.  Now, whenever I see one, which is rare, I remember that day and that feeling and immediately touch the top of my head. In fact, I want to touch it right now. That is how clear the memory is.  I shared this memory with B to which he responded "Gross."  It is really more creepy than gross, but I think he got the point.

Now Daddy Likey's father talks about the benefits of centipedes and how they eat all of the other bugs.  That sounds great - in theory.  However, I would rather see big biting ants, lazy spiders and the mosquito I killed the other day then have a centipede run across my path.  And the ones that grow up to 10 inches long? Seriously? I can't even think about it. And her father says the centipedes are more concerned with escape.  Well, he never met the centipede from my childhood home because the surest way to escape was NOT to land on my head.  Did the centipede think I was not going to notice and carry him to safety?

Okay, enough about that. I have the creepy crawlies again.  My point? Centipedes are fast moving, many legged evil things whose creepiness is not forgiven by the fact that they eat other bugs.  Oh, and if you are ever in a dark basement, wear a hat.

Joyriding Without Any Keys

When I arrived home from work today I discovered that it was pretty damn cold in our house so, of course, I broke out my new Uggs and my fingerless gloves, threw on an extra sweater and started surfing the Internet.  A girl has to catch up on the 500 or so posts in her Google Reader after all.  By the time B came home, I felt like an icicle.  I pronounced "it is COLD in here" and to prove my point I touched him with my ice cold fingertips.  Usually, B knows when fall has arrived because my nose turns ice cold. I am like his seasonal thermometer. Speaking of thermometers, he won't turn on the heat even if my nose and fingers are ice cold.  After all, the thermometer says 60 degrees. I have tried numerous times to explain that 60 degrees inside when it is 40 degrees outside feels different than 60 degrees inside when it is, I don't know, 80 degrees outside. B does not see the difference.  I know this.  So this time of year, I wear lots of sweaters, gloves and boots. That is how we stay in love.

A couple hours after arriving home, B decides he wants to go out driving in his brand new car. Yes, after pouring his money into little green, as I call it, about four times since December, he decided a new car was in order.  It is B's first ever new car as he always buys used.  He has not had a chance to drive it much since he brought it home so he decided to go for a little joyride and I went along.

After zipping around and practicing driving REALLY fast on highways and in residential areas and nearly getting creamed by some really old guy who braked every 10 seconds and then changed lanes suddenly, we finally headed home. About a block from the house, B says "you do have a house key don't you?" Um, no.  See, I left my house key...with my car key...at the house. I was not driving. B was driving.  B only brought THE key to the car. That's it.  B asks "well, did you lock the door?" Of course I locked the door!  It is night. We were leaving.  B asks "did you lock the balcony door?" Of course, I locked the balcony door. I don't want people breaking in. So now we have one car key, no house keys, and an open window on the second floor of a really tall building.

B scales the building like Spiderman (not like The Hulk) and determines that yes, indeed, the balcony door is locked.  Meanwhile, like some crazy MacGyver episode, I am trying to find something in my purse to insert into the doorknob lock because I am convinced if I insert something and rattle the doorknob, it will open. (How scary would that be if it were true?).  The car key is too fat. The pen is too short, the penny just doesn't even make sense. Why did I try the penny? B keeps asking if I "got it" as if anything I am doing has even the remotest chance of working.  God we are delusional.

B decides to go across to the neighbor's house in search of a better MacGyver or a ladder or something. I see him and the neighbor come out of the house and go across the street where they disappear for a LONG time. Meanwhile I am freezing (thank god for the gloves and multiple sweaters) and contemplate going back into the car where the heated seats are. Instead, to pass the time, I call my mom to tell her of my exciting weekend night.  We reminisce about all of the times that we had to go through the back window at my childhood home. Let me clear that up - how many times I had to go through that window. I swear it seemed like it was a weekly event. Of course, I was young so I thought it was very exciting and fun and MacGyverish.  Now, not so much.

Finally, B and the neighbor arrive with a ladder.  B climbs the ladder up to the window and as he is going through he says "here's a blogger for ya."  Sigh. He knows me so well.

When the Lights Go Out

While heading off to work today, I found a quarter on the ground. As I picked it up the old familiar saying went through my head "find a penny pick it up, all the day you have good luck." Now, if you know me at all then you know that I religiously pick up all pennies found for all the luck I can get. I take it as far as putting it in my shoe because I believe that is what you are supposed to do with lucky pennies (remember penny loafers?). So I am wondering, by finding a quarter do I get 25 times the good luck?

Maybe not. After having to work late, I went to pick up a pizza for dinner. No sooner than I had pulled out of the parking lot, did all of the lights down the entire block go out. I guess it was lucky I already had my pizza. Upon travelling home I found that all the lights were out on that side of the street all the way to our house. We were in complete darkness. At night. With the weather going down to 20 degrees. It wasn't so bad, I suppose. Pizza by candlelight with the cats. But after a long day I ended up falling asleep until the lights came back on two hours later. Not a minute too late. It was getting cold.

Maybe I did have some luck today.