Hackers, Robbers and Fires - Who Can Get Any Work Done Around Here?

So it's been a rough time at the office lately.  I will give you one guess as to what's been happening. Yes, all is revealed in the title. Yes, all of those things happened at my office. In the span of a week. Craziness I tell you.

Monday started off with a warning that our network had stopped an attempted hacking.  Some people had to change their logins and passwords and double secret probation security was put on high alert.  Meanwhile, I wandered around asking why someone would ever want to hack the network of a law firm.

BORING.

Seriously. What will you get there? Boring letters to the court. Boring briefs to the court. There would be no smoking gun. Ever. All of this leads me to believe that it was an inside job by an outside person.

I will give you some time to think about that.

Fast forward to Thursday and I am on may way into the office when I get a phone call telling me not to bother hurrying because our building is on lockdown due to a suspicious person.  That suspicious person? He is called a robber.  He broke into a suite in the early morning hours and then ran away with a safe and some cash trailing behind him like a cartoon.  Another inside job from the outside. I think. I really have no idea about that business.  Luckily by the time I got my daily Starbucks a/k/a Sweet Heaven, all was well and I could get inside.

Fast forward to Friday at lunch.  It was unseasonably warm. I left my jacket in someone else's office.  I packed up my briefcase of work to do at home over the weekend. I was enjoying lunch with other like minded colleagues when one got a phone call. As soon as I heard him say "WHAT?", I just knew it.  "ARE WE LOCKED OUT OF THE BUILDING AGAIN?" Kind of.

Our building was on fire.

No worries. Just an ELECTRICAL fire. We were locked out. Our belongings were locked in. The wind picked up. I spent the next hour and a half driving around the parking lot with some colleagues finding other people to talk to about what was happening. I took a client conference call in the car.  Meanwhile other offices passed their time in different ways.  One group prayed. No one was in danger. Did they really want to go back to work that much? Another group played hackeysack.  Does that even exist anymore? Then some guy broke out a guitar and started playing to a crowd while people taped him on their cellphones. Who the hell brings a guitar to an office building? That guy.

Just as those in charged called it a day, a giant "YAY" came forth from the crowd and we were let back in. Why everyone cheered to be let back into an office on a Friday afternoon when the sun was shining is beyond me.

Also? We could go in but there was no plumbing and only half electrical and no heat.

"YAY."

Sunday Sweats: Surprise! We Were Burgalarized...or Were We?

So this is what I came home to a couple of months ago. Well, actually a lot of a couple of months ago when it was very warm. Sensing a theme? Yes, I am reliving warmer times. I hope Phil is right. I need some spring.

Anyway, I came home, parked the car and headed into the house when I was stopped by this view of our back porch:

Who broke me?

I remembering standing there so confused. My first thought was "Someone tried to break into our house!" I then immediately figured out that was stupid.  Why would someone push in the screen (and unsuccessfully might I add) when they could just open our screen door which is not locked? Also, why would someone break into a screened in back porch, but not the rest of the house?

I then thought someone drove into it. Yes, you read that right. The porch faces our yard which faces a fence which faces the long grassed neighbor's house and then his yard. It would be physically impossible for a car to drive into this porch unless it was a special UFO car.  That did not stop me from looking for tracks or looking quizzically at the long grassed man's yard like he might materialize at any moment and explain this all to me.

Turns out that none of that was the problem. The problem was rotting wood. I would rather have UFOs actually.  And so down came parts of the back porch:

They all fall down.

Guess who had to create new pieces? B. Isn't he a champ?  Want to see rotting wood pieces?

This is rotting wood.

So is this.

And a weird side view of the rotting wood. 

We like to take pictures of rotting wood.

Turns out the porch wasn't level either. Look what B had to do to the bottom just to get the top to work:

That's odd looking.

In the end, it all worked out. I would like to show you pictures, but somehow we cannot find them. Let me just say that B fixed that side piece and all of the front pieces. Maybe I will take pictures in the spring and supplement this post. For now, pretend it is all fixed:

Pretend I am the final version.

Home ownership is a lot of work - B.

*So I totally looked at when I saved this post. May of 2009. Um, more than a couple of months ago or even a couple of couple months ago. We are talking almost two years people. I need to catch up to my photos!

If It Is Going to Be a Bad Day When You See a Werewolf, What Happens When You Are Standing Barefoot in the Cold?

Remember about a week or two ago when I said I had a bad day that started with a werewolf sighting?  Well, I topped myself without even trying.  Every week it is my job to take out the recycling on garbage day.  If I was not the hugest procrastinator around, I would do this the evening before.  That, however, is not in my nature.  So I do it the morning of pickup.  I had the routine down to a science, or so I thought.

You see, our front door does not self lock. Neither does our back door, but for an entirely different reason.  Often I have told friends, family, and delivery men not to worry about the door shutting or slamming behind me, "it won't lock me out."  You know what this means, right? IT FLIPPING LOCKED ME OUT.

Of course that would be the morning I elected not to wear socks or shoes despite the fact that it was under 50 degrees. I was also in a tshirt with wet hair having just gotten out of the shower.  No keys. No phone. No mad survivor skills.

It was 6:30 a.m.

It was dark. It was cold. I was PISSED. I think I said something like "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!" I looked around our very dark neighborhood. No one was up. And if they were, what where they going to do for me?  So I go to the back where we have a spare key in a lockbox. I don't know the code.

I DON'T KNOW THE CODE TO GET MY OWN SPARE KEY TO MY OWN HOUSE.

And it is dark and I cannot see. And I have no shoes. Did I mention that?  

I go back up front to see if I can force the door open and see the hip neighbor guy taking his garbage out. I run over there with my lockbox and scream "DO YOU KNOW THE CODE TO THIS?"  Sadly, he did not. But his wife did because she lets Jersey out for us occasionally. He invites me inside and then says "Are you not wearing any shoes?" 

I DIDN'T PLAN THIS YOU KNOW!!

So I got in and ready for work, although I never really got warm again. When I got to work I sent B a text that said:

FYI - Should you go outside with wet hair and no shoes on, you will get locked out in the dark having forgotten the code to the lockbox.

To which he replied:

Don't worry. I know it.

There is a lesson here folks.  Teach your dog how to open doors. Because, as it turns out, the door was not even locked.  The door handle on the outside just wasn't working properly. Had Jersey pushed down on the inside door handle, I could have gotten in. Instead she ran from window to window wondering what fun I was having outside.  I was having a blast. An arctic blast.

Tomorrow is garbage pickup day. What are the odds that I:

1. Wear shoes
2. Wear a sweatshirt
3. Lock myself out
4. Remember the code
5. Learn any lesson from all of this

I better start training Jersey right now.

October: The Fall of Temperatures , The Rise of Monsters, and the Riddle of All Ages

October is here! October is my favorite time of the year.  It brings giant pumpkins like so:

I can't wait to carve these like last year's.  So much fun.  October also brings monsters. Check these out:

Why yes, those are scary bobbles.  Why yes they are special Halloween edition bobbles of Star Wars characters. How fun is that? We have zombie Stormtrooper, werewolf Chewbacca and evil Yoda. I am just missing Darth Vadar, but I will get him this weekend.

In other news, remember when I saw that werewolf walking down the street?  Well, he looked kind of like Chewbacca up there. Also I saw him again while on the phone with my mom so now she can vouch for me. Well, she didn't see him but she did hear me scream "IT IS THE WEREWOLF GUY BUT THIS TIME HIS SHIRT IS CLOSED." Hell, I think werewolf guy heard me. In fact, I can almost guarantee this since I saw him yesterday walking down the street carrying a gas can and he looked RIGHT AT ME even though I was far away.  I am not sure yet what this means.

Other things that have happened since October began? The temperature dropped like crazy. We are freezing. Yet it is October so we don't want to turn on the heat. Hell, even I think it is too early. I am now attempting to keep warm by candlelight. Guess what? That doesn't work. At all.  Good thing it is supposed to be 80 on Saturday. Damn weather.

I also got a speeding ticket.  First one in MANY years and second one ever. Yes, I did have an immediate thought of running again, but decided against it.  Maybe in 15 more years I won't even think about running. Ha.  Also, could you give a girl a break? Apparently no. I wanted to shout I AM A GOOD DRIVER!!! But since I got pulled over that wouldn't seem entirely true would it?

I also had a first in my professional career the other day. A deposition in a church.  I have had some strange deps in my life (a post should really be done on that), but a church? I had visions of the videographer aiming toward the altar and the witness seated under a giant cross with Jesus insuring she told the truth.  Then I somehow turned that into a haunted church and walked around the house with a blanket over my head telling B that I was going to depose a ghost.  He looked at me like I was nuts, but who decided the next morning to talk about how difficult the dep would be if the person just kept saying "Booooo"? That is why we are in love people.

Speaking of ghosts, my main computer might have died. B thinks I killed it.  Perhaps because two others have gone to premature graves. I know that I am the common denominator but it is an Apple! It is not like I am running around getting viruses and things.  One has to wonder though, why do the computers just happen to break AFTER the warranty expires?

Riddle me that, people.

My Name is Dani and I Must Kick Your Car. Its a Problem

My name is Dani and I have a problem.

I like to kick cars.

Well, not cars exactly, but things on cars. What exactly do I mean? Let me explain.

Winter sucks. You know what the only good thing about winter is? Kicking cars. You know how snow gathers and clumps in the wheel wells of cars? That's what I am talking about. They must be kicked.

Seriously. They call my name. I love the satisfaction I get when I succeed in dislodging one and the thudding sound it makes when it falls to the ground. This may be the only thing I like about winter. Except maybe fleece.

My obsession with this kicking snow clumps is SO bad that I will kick other people's clumps as I stumble upon them. I try to do it when no one is looking for fear that someone will think that I am actually trying to kick their car and find retribution by performing a physical assault on me.

One time, I was so excited when we were stopped at a red light that I threatened to get out of our car to kick a nearby snow clump. B even egged me on. However, I truly did not feel like he had my back and would just laugh and drive away when the person confronted me. Husbands can be so mean.

Recently, this obsession took on a scarier angle as, in my enthusiasm to kick a snow clump off of a neighboring car, I lost my footing on a piece of ice and almost wiped out. It made me second guess my fun hobby. After all, hobbies shouldn't maim you, right?

The next day, though, I was back to kicking.

It is a problem.

I have to kick snow clumps on cars.

I must.

I Am a Vampire, but There Are Drugs for That

Recently I went to the doctor for my yearly physical and blood work. That is, if you call recently three months ago. Anyhow, I never called to get the results of my blood work. For most this would not be a problem. As B says, "if there is a problem, they will call YOU." In theory, this is probably correct. With my doctor's office, nothing could be farther from the truth.

You see, back in October of 2006, my doctor sent me for a sleep study as he thought I may have sleep apnea. When I didn't hear back from his office, I called them. The nurse proceeded to tell me that I had been diagnosed with sleep apnea and that the doctor wanted to send me for a second test. Apparently I was just supposed to know this without the office telling me, like I am psychic or something. The joke was on them though. Turns out after a year of battling with a sleep machine, I didn't have sleep apnea after all. I am narcoleptic. In case you don't know, that is pretty much the exact OPPOSITE of sleep apnea.

Yes, I still see the same doctor. At least, the same office.

So I call the other day and tell the nurse it is probably stupid that I am calling because they would have called me if it was important (knowing all the while that probably isn't true). She finds my records and says mostly my blood work was fine, however:

Nurse: Your Vitamin D levels are low.

Me: I was wondering about that and meant to have you check them.

Nurse. Well, it is LOW.

Me: Okay.

Nurse, VERY VERY LOW.

Me: um...okay?

Nurse: You need to take a supplement.

Me: Sure.

Nurse: 3,000 units a day

Me: WOW.

Of course when I tell B this he says it is because I never go outside. I do go outside. To get into my car. To get into the office. To get into the house. That is outside, right? Also? I have very nice cancer-free skin. That's a plus. I told B that he would appreciate that in 20 years. He merely responded:

"You will be OLD"

Thanks. Apparently, my Dad and brother had the same reaction, chuckling about my not going outside. I also informed my brother that I had beautiful skin. "Yeah, pale, alabaster, translucent skin", he said.

Jealous, much?

It is not that I don't want to go outside. But what am I supposed to do out there? You have all seen my front porch. Can't sit there. My porch swing is on a covered porch. Sometimes I walk to the store and to Starbucks. One time I hung out at the park until people looked at me weird because there were kids there and I didn't have any kids even though I was swinging on the kids' swing. I go on walking tours. Picnics and barbecues are nice. But on an everyday basis, what am I supposed to be doing out there? Anyone?

I can't help it that fresh air and sunshine makes me want to open all of the blinds, drapes, and windows.

And nap.

Isn't that what a narcoleptic vampire is supposed to do?

Its a Zoo Out There!

A while back we went to the zoo with B's family. We go every year as part of my father-in-law's work outing. It is a lot of fun. There are bagels, apples, and juice. There are also free items such as squeeze toys, toothbrush, mouse pads and band aids. We all know how I need band aids.

Typically, however, it is either rainy, cold, or both when we go. This year did not disappoint. It rained. It POURED. We stayed anyway and even went around to look at the animals who were actually quite active in all of that rain.

Of course nothing ever goes as smooth as planned either. I was supposed to meet B at the zoo. When I arrived I realized my cell phone was dead. So dead I couldn't call or get messages. I couldn't even text. Have you ever tried to find someone in a torrential downpour? Almost near impossible. Good thing B has eagle eyes and spotted me. I would have spotted him first but he was decked out in heavy duty work clothes (smart guy).

In any event, here are some pictures that were taken on that wet, but fun, day!

This tiger was attempting to come over and kill us. I wish I were kidding:

You are probably thinking to yourself, "Wow! B is such a tolerant husband posing for such a goofy shot." Well, this was ALL B's idea. I think I am a tolerant wife, actually:

The people nearby were cracking up at B posing for that picture. I had a hard time not laughing myself.

Here we were in a tunnel under the polar bears. They were quite active that day too:

And everyone said "OOOHHH" and "AHHHH" and "WHOAAAA" when he stepped on the glass:

And everyone said "HE GOT A FISH" when he, well, got a fish:

And everyone said "How cute, he is sitting down eating his lunch." Bet the fish didn't think it was cute.

Lucas was the only one totally prepared for the day. However, he did not stay in there very long. I think he felt like a bubble boy or something:

Lucas and his Dad put their hands on the snow/ice to make hand prints. Lucas is such a brave boy. I don't even put my hands on there. However, we all know my hands are like ice this time of the year anyway:

And just like the home tour, there is B - WAY ahead of me. Always so busy with places to go:

Until next year where I will make B pose with the live tiger...

Word of the Day = Corpse Love

B: You are cold and clammy. It is like kissing a corpse.

B: Not that I would know.

Me: Ew! Necrophiliac!!

B: Look who's using big words at 5:30 in the morning.

The Neighbors Are One Upping Us

Our neighbor has been outside working on his lawn, his front lawn, for about 6 hours now. And, this is not the first or only time he has worked on it since spring has arrived. Nope, he has been out there almost every day. Today involved a long orange extension cord, a leaf blower and other things. This is the same neighbor that was sweeping when the police arrived the other day. And to the left of us, our neighbors are re-mulching around the trees they just mulched the other day. I also heard them out there splitting wood. They are 90.

Do you know what I did today?

1. Unpacked two boxes (yes I still have boxes that need to be unpacked from the move. Don't even get me started on all of the boxes I have at my mom's house that have been stored there for years. Scary.).
2. Looked for Nelson pictures (yes, they are currently lost. You would think having their own photo album would make it easier. Nope. Yes, I just admitted they have their own album. Scary.).
3. Did two loads of laundry and dried and folded one of B's.
4. Took a long nap

The neighbors are making me look bad. I am not the only one that thinks this as B remarked about it earlier. As I told B, we are not 90 and retired and neither of us has been offered a buyout where we have every day free to putz around. B is back up to a 7 day work week and, frankly, I wouldn't know what to do with the yard besides photograph the array of flowers and plants that are popping up which, luckily for you, I have been doing! I love that we have absolutely no idea what the former people planted and that they planted such a variety of things, that items are popping up literally over night.

The tulips are my favorite so far:

Don't know what these are going to be yet:

Pretty pink:

And purple:

And blue:

And gorgeous tulips again:

White ones with some purple thrown in:

More white:

More pink:

More tulips:

And these lone ones in the front yard (the rest are in the back):

There, you have it, our self growing flower garden as of right now. B did plant some flowers recently, but I am not telling what they are yet. It will be a surprise.

And even on the dreariest of days there is some color as evidenced by this beautiful bush right outside B's TV room:

Look at that color! Of course B, taking lessons from me, did not even notice said bush. As I was on the couch talking to him I spotted it and exclaimed "wow! What kind of bush is that!" to which he responded "what bush?" Um, just that big yellow bush over your shoulder:

He later looked it up and told me it was a forsythia plant. When I looked it up it said it was a sign that spring was coming which thrilled me since it was pouring rain at the time.

To end, I will leave you with a picture of my neighbor's beautiful flowering tree. This would be the 90 year old neighbors.

B and I both wish we had a flowering tree. We have a huge tree that is just now starting to bud, but no flowers. It will provide a lot of shade though. Pictures of that later.

And the House Springs Alive...

I know that I have told you about the windows in our house before and how they are crazy to maneuver and how we almost couldn't shut one in the dead of winter when we were looking at the house, but I don't think I have ever posted about what they look like open. Frankly, it is probably because up until last weekend it has been consistently 30 or zero in these parts. There was no opening of the windows.

Anyway, as you can see, the windows actually open out, kind of like crank windows without the cranking. Even though I have seem them open numerous times, I always think it makes the house look like a person or a bug or something. It is just a bit crazy to see those windows sticking out like that. See for yourself:

And some closer shots:

The upside of these windows all over the house is that we get quite the breeze which is nice as we have no air conditioning. On the summer days without breeze, I guess we will just swelter or sleep in the basement or something.

The downside of the breeze? Well the windiness of it all - things fly all over, sometimes even my hair. We also did not realize how many doors we would need to prop open and how we do not own even one door stop.

So, instead of door stops, we are currently using:

• A scrunched up rug that needs to be dry cleaned
• An iron
• My new scanner (still in box)
• One of those lighter things to light candles
• A wooden log from the fireplace

I guess I need to head to Bed, Bath and Beyond.

Maybe tomorrow.*

*This is a shout out to B who claims that I "put off everything until tomorrow." Yep, I do.