Sunday, March 29, 2009

And Now It's Time for Some Fine Dining...

With all of the other rooms receiving remarkable transformations and makeovers, the dining room was feeling a little sad and neglected. Other than the three swipes of paint next to the drapes, and the drapes being hung, nothing has been done in there in quite some time.

Well, that all changed this weekend when B had a friend over and the friend offered to work. Not one to pass up on some assistance, the room was painted and transformed. And we didn't use any of the three swiped colors, instead opting for something lighter.

That is what I call an action shot. That is B's friend K.

B in action. Those are his painting clothes. That is why he is basically wearing them in every renovation picture we have.

The new color:

Time for a before and after sequence:



We plan to replace those white shutter with something a bit darker.



New angle. Can you see the fish tank in the background? A post about that coming soon, I promise.

And the wall without those swipes.

Now we just need to get a dining room table and we will be all set. But, for now, this will do. Although the original color was not that bad, this color really seems to enlarge the room. Once we get dark shutters and some pictures up on the wall, it will look beautiful!

Friday, March 27, 2009

You Say You Are in Trouble Spammer...How Can I Help?

We all get the spam emails asking us to assist an unknown "friend" or "colleague" with releasing funds, obtaining funds, spending funds, all with just a small upfront cost to us. These emails are nothing new and I usually do not bother reading them. This one, however, I received today at my work email address which is rare in and of itself. The subject captivated me to actually open it. It said:

"The Oakland Chief United States Attorney has been under investigation for rape crimes"

Wow! That is a LONG subject line, but it sounds serious. I think we need to read on:

Dear Congressman/Senator: [Look out! I have been promoted. No longer am I a mere attorney, I am now a Congressman or Senator. Which one is anyone's guess. I feel so elected. Although I was not]

As most of the Legislative Branch members already know, the Oakland Chief United States Attorney has been under investigation for rape crimes since 2006. [News to me and it appears I am in that branch. Huh. ] Further, we all already know that the folks who reside at [redacted] are prejudice and smoked/terrorized their former African-American neighbor next-door. [Okay, there are some bad neighbors at that address who apparently tried to smoke their next door neighbor because they are prejudiced. Did they actually try to smoke him like a cigarette or is that slang? I was leaning toward slang but the professional styling of this email makes me believe otherwise.] I am still patiently waiting for Justice into my wife's rape incident [also redacted] - my wife was raped by Federal Agents. [There is a lot of BAD stuff going on in this place. Watch out people. Um, and why was his wife raped by federal agents? Was she terrorizing the next door neighbor? Is she the next door neighbor? Next door to who? I am so confused, yet frightened.] I asked for restraining orders over 2 years ago. [I am thinking if my wife was raped by federal agents, I probably wouldn't go asking that same branch for a restraining order. Hell, she was raped by the Chief! How can you get any higher? Also, we all know restraining orders don't stop anything. Poor Leonor.]

There are LACERATIONS in the ASSES of innocent women and I have to "KISS ASS" in order to get an Independent Special Prosecutor appointed? [Wait, um, what??? Lacerations in the asses of innocent women? Are those hemorrhoids? Thank God I am not innocent, those sound painful. ] Why were innocent women across the Bay Area under duress by way of Direct Energy Weapons? [Wow. Now the women are under duress by direct energy weapons? Those sound powerful and duressful. They also sound made up and from Futurama.] Can we put a stop to this kind of abuse? [Apparently not.] Do I need a lobbyist? [Nope. I am thinking of a different kind of professional altogether] It should be noted that the former Attorney General is also involved in this sex scandal. [Well you are screwed then. If all the branches are involved and they are using Weapons of Mass Destruction, the innocent women will continue to have lacerations in their asses I am afraid.]

Whistleblower [How's that for a title?]
Direct [redacted]

UPDATE: The Department of Justice has yet to submit a monetary settlement to my former wife and self -- for the retaliation I received for reporting my wife's rape incident. [Is she your wife or your former wife? What retaliation did you receive and did it involve lacerations in your ass? Oh, and since it was the federal agents involved in the rape, they probably are not going to give you any money. Criminals are bastards like that.]

cc: National/International News Media [Gotta get the press on this. Contacting your Congressman/Senator is just not enough these days]

www.WHISTLEBLOWERBURT.COM [Um, Spammer, you spelled your name wrong. Just thought you should know. $25.00 will buy a lot of hemorrhoid creme]

Sadly, I was not the only recipient of this email. A Google search revealed that it has been circulating on:

1. Craig's list
2. Via fax
3. On a mentaldisability website - score one for proper placement Bert/Burt/Whistleblower

And that is how I started off my day. It ended with the afternoon off. Brilliant start to finish. Thanks Burt!
**Update from me - I have removed all identifying names from this spam email in the event that any of the names are associated with actual persons.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Your Mom Might Be a Lesbian If...

You have this email exchange with her...

Mom: I just used my new Cherry Chap Stick. Is Katy Perry going to come kiss me?
Me: Ha! You are NUTS!
Mom: Have you ever tried it? It is VERY cherry and smells so good. Hell, I would kiss a girl just to taste it.
Me: Please STOP! No, I haven't tried it but I will have to with that ringing endorsement.
Mom: Don't buy it, I have another one over here. The smell goes away pretty quick and I don't want some random girl grabbing you and kissing you although your co-workers might find it interesting.
Me: You are really too much right now. You need Twitter.

And you might be a dork if you have this email conversation later:

Me: Do you mind if I blog about your cherry chapstick email?
Mom: Not at all.
Me: And do you mind if I imply that you might be a lesbian but then say that you are not?
Mom: Nope.

Yes, my Mom is not a lesbian.
Yes, my Mom is hip. She raps AND knows who Katy Perry is.

Yes, I am a dork.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

They Say It's Your "B" Day

Saturday was B's birthday and I decided it was a good time for a scavenger hunt, especially since we have more than one floor now. As B stated later that night, if I had attempted to do this while we lived at the condo, he would have discovered all of his presents as soon as he walked in.

So, once he told me he was going to be out of the house that morning and once I realized I had two birthday cards and two gifts for him and that my parents had given me two cards, a present and scratch off lotto tickets for him as well, the idea was born. As it turns out, I was able to theme a lot of the presents. I don't know who had more fun, B actually doing the hunt, or me following him around saying "And WHERE do you have to go next?" as if I didn't know.

The first note was taped to our back door and gave the rules of the hunt - basically follow the notes and don't do anything else.

The first note also directed B to the second note which was taped over our mail box. Inside the mailbox were two cards, one from me and one from my parents. Both had scratch off tickets inside.

Next stop was under the fish tank in the living room (yes we currently have not one, but two fish tanks). There B found another card from my parents and one of his favorite gifts - a gift certificate to the fish store!

Next stop - all the way down to the basement to the tool bench of course! There along with this orange note was a gift card to Home Depot. You know B loved that present. Especially when he requested shovels for his birthday - SHOVELS????

Next, B found himself back up two stories in his office where he received two more books to add to his collection.

Finally, the hunt ended down on B's laptop with a note and a scratch off ticket. But the love did not stop there. Under the table I gave B a note on red paper listing the 35 reasons I love him. That, you don't get to see.

B enjoyed the hunt and thought I was quite clever. Now I will have to come up with something fun and crazy for next year. Heck, this is the most creative I have been since I decided to surprise my brother with a scrapbook for his 30th birthday. We all know how that turned out....oh, you don't? He will be turning 34 in May. I have five pages done. I am shooting for his 40th.

After the fun scavenger hunt, we met up with some of B's friends who were celebrating someone else's birthday. Fun was had by all, but especially by this guy who decided to wear ALL of the party hats on his head/face at once. 14 to be exact.

He looks like a rhinoceros.

Happy B Day B!!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Can I Interest You in a Rhyme Instead?

Well even though I ponder life and this is called Riddle Me This, I am officially no good at riddles. See my prior post as evidence. So in response to these search queries I offer you either sage advice and wisdom or a fun rhyme:

riddle - she likes road not streets

I am not sure what the difference is between a road and a street. Maybe one is dirt and one is paved? She likes dirt but not tar? I offer you this rhyme instead:

She likes roads
But not streets
She is dirty
And not neat
Who likes dirt
When they can have tar?
Dirt takes you nowhere
Streets take you far.

can you see what I see not riddles

No. I cannot see what you see and it appears you do not want riddles. Would you like a rhyme?

Can you see what I see?
Can you hear what I hear?

Oops. That is actually a Christmas carol. Next.

something nobody wants but when someone has it does not want to lose it riddle

This sounds like a true riddle. Thus, I am quite incapable of solving it let alone writing it. If you find the answer, please come back and tell us. In the meantime, I offer you this rhyme:

That which nobody desires
Is often that which somebody has
And that which often lights your fires
Is often that which you get last

Not a true rhyme, but deal with it. I am taking artistic license here. I am also using the word “artistic” REALLY loosely.

riddles about why the cats is such gossip

This is new. But I must say, now that I think about it, those cats ARE such gossip. I am constantly walking in to find the cats huddled together looking at me all wide eyed like they had been caught. I used to think they were interrupted mid sweet loving, but now I know I just interrupted their gossip. And don’t even get me started about those glances they throw each other across the room. You may not speak cats, but you gossip like no others!

And I cannot rhyme with the word gossip. How about tales?

Why do cats tell such tall tales?
Why do cats gossip so?
Is it because my cats are males
That they gossip to and fro
What are they talking about them cats?
Food and napping, bugs and gnats?
How much fun can it be
To gossip without ever speaking

Ha! A switcheroo at the end, no rhyme. So artistic I am.

you can fill me but I never lie riddles

Um, okay, this sounds kind of like a torture device. Maybe a water torture device such as “you can fill me up with as much water as you want and prevent me from using the bathroom, but I will never lie.” Now why anyone would want to do that is beyond me. And why anyone would want to force you to lie is beyond me. If you won’t lie, can’t they just find the next person to lie? This one has me baffled. Huh. Maybe it is a riddle after all.

cats such gossip+riddles

Okay, I thought it was a little much that my cats may gossip, but tell riddles? That might be pushing it. Although they do look at me strangely and snicker sometimes. That is a riddle unto itself

who am I riddles for a fax machine

This one is my favorite. Who would want to write a riddle about a fax machine? Are they really that mysterious? Are they even that fun to talk about? Are they even used anymore? Here’s the riddle – why aren’t you PDFing and/or emailing your documents? Think about that for a while. Save a tree.

fake curse word riddles

The riddle here is why would you use fake curse words when the real ones are so much fun? I do like me some fake words though, so here are some fake curse words for you. Feel free to use them in a riddle:

Motherfuddrucker (fun blog alert: )
Knife (just seeing if you are paying attention, the rest are perfectly acceptable)

riddle three three seven boxes move

Hmmm..337 boxes and how do you move them? With a VERY big truck. Or you could put the three boxes and the three boxes into the seven boxes, but then you would just say six boxes in seven boxes.

I’m lost. Just hire a mover.

christmas riddle game peppermint stick

Have yet to hear about this fun sounding Christmas game. What DO you do with that peppermint stick. Is it like hiding the pickle in the tree? Probably smells a lot better. Let me see if I can come up with a rhyme:

In this very merry season
The kids all shout with glee
For it is time and without reason
To hid peppermint inside the tree
Not gum, or candy, or chew
But a stick that is long and yummy
Hide one for me and one for you
Race to finish in the tummy

That sounded a bit obscene. Next.

guys at the bar sweeping laughing riddle*

The true riddle here? Why are guys in a bar sweeping laughing? They should be crying. Unless they have been drinking a LOT. Then I wouldn’t really trust their sweeping. Or maybe they are just happy they have a job? Let’s try a rhyme:

It’s closing time, the doors are shut
Now we can be silly and act like a nut
Although we must clean
And sweep through and through
We can still have fun
In all that we do
Pick up your broom and get to sweeping
So we can laugh to prevent from weeping

Google on people. Google on.

B's Office is Born

Despite the fact that B spends most of his time on his laptop downstairs in front of the plasma TV, he needed his own office to keep his books, files, and to do paperwork and whatever else he does in his office. He chose his office to be the back bedroom with the mini me lock and balcony. Remember:

B's Future Office

And so the work began. Slower than the other rooms, but it finally came together.

First the carpeting was removed...

Then the floors were sanded...

Then B started patching the walls and ceiling...

Then there was paint...

Isn't it amazing what a little paint can do? You can hardly recognize the room except for those blue mini blinds, of course.

Finally, B added his furniture and decorations and, of course, the original small fish tank and an office was born. It looks like he has been in there forever.

B's New Office

The rug is from IKEA during our recent shopping trip when I got my office stuff. The mini me lock? Original to home. It is funny to watch B lock it.

The blinds also came from IKEA. The couch is from my closet room and now the junk room until I get it straightened out. B will probably paint that room, or the dining room, next.

There's B's old desk and lamp, ready for him to work. He even has the chair. B and the desk, back together again.

And there is the original fish tank. This was the tank before the big wooden one that B got. That wooden one broke and was replaced with a new fish tank that B talked about buying stuff for in this post. Pictures of that will come soon.

So what do you think? Big improvement in this room, right?

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Crime of the Week

Courtesy of our local paper of course:

A man called the police at 3:25 a.m. stating that someone had tried to break into his home. He attempted to catch the thief, chasing him, only to lose him in a neighbor's yard. The police, however, were lightning fast and caught the young thug. It was then determined that the young thug was, in fact, the man's 17 year old son who was attempting to sneak back into the house without waking his parent.

Um, yeah...that plan FAILED. Not only did you wake your parents, you RAN FROM THEM. And then they had to call the cops who also CHASED you and detained you.

On the other side, his parents should take heart, their kid is apparently no thief.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Good News, Bad News

B came home one day and declared that he had bad news, bad news and good news. I told him to give me the bad news first because then it can only go up from there. This is what he said:

B: First bad news - our renter got laid off.
B: Second bad news - I lost my wedding ring.
B: Good news - I bought stuff for our fish tank.

I fail to see the good news here.

Who Created This Mess?

Ever since I posted this picture:

and talked about how B's dresser always looks like that and how my dresser is always neat (and it is), B has wanted me to rectify the situation. It is burning him up how all you readers out there think that I am this nice neat freak and he is a mess. B is right. It is simply not true. Sure my dresser may be neater than his, but on any given day, that is about it. I am by no means a slob, but things do get messy.

You know what makes me REALLY messy? A project. A project such as putting your desk with your newly neatly organized bins together. It doesn't help that B set everything up and that he left everything that I had on and in his desk on my floor. Yeah, that stuff pretty much stayed there for a week.

So before you got those beautiful pictures of my desk area, the place sort of looked like this (thanks to pictures by B with my camera).

It starts off with some stuff on my desk:

And goes on to stuff on the ottoman:

And then stuff on the end table:

And then on the floor behind the desk:

That is messy. What a bunch of junk! Actually, B said he had never seen such an odd assortment of things in an adult's desk. So what if I had bobbleheads, a troll doll, a stuffed lady bug, a magic 8 ball, makeup, and gum? Doesn't everyone have that in their desks?

Those are necessities, you know.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Ah! Finally...Corn

You know what is much easier than slicing open your finger while opening a can of corn? Buying frozen corn and nuking it for 4 minutes. Yummy, quick and bloodless. Frozen vegetables shall always be my friend.

I *am* a chef in the making.

Special thanks to all of you that suggested that last year after reading about my mishap. It took a while, but I listened. Meanwhile, I have only opened one can of corn since then. Blood free, but nerve wracking.

The Evolution of the Desk Continues...

Remember in this post how I told you that B loved me SO much that he agreed to let me use his desk indefinitely because the setup was so perfect for my room? Well I loved him SO much that I found my very own desk so he could reclaim his boyhood memories.

After perusing the IKEA website, I saw a white desk that was L shaped with shelves similar to B's old desk. However, after measuring the room, I thought it would not work. Well, last weekend B and I took a trip to IKEA to see if we could find some rugs and other things for the house. Rugs were not all we bought. I got the desk! And it fits!

Here are the pictures of the desk/shelving unit being built:

The above picture is a good one to show where the desk will be placed. It will stick out from the middle of the case leaving a cube of four above and a cube of four below the desk. Below are the pictures of the finished desk. Also, can you see my beautiful new green rug? I love it. It makes the room so much cosier.

A special thanks to B for fixing all of the wires so they weren't so ugly. That big wire coming out and across the floor is for the cable. Our wireless router currently is not strong enough to send the signal through this old house and up to me. We, meaning B, is working on this.

Here is the rug:

Here is a pretty gray lamp I bought, also at IKEA, so B could have his library lamp back with the desk:

B also purchased these green boxes from IKEA that fit into the cubes for extra and neater storage. They are currently empty while I try to figure out what goes where. And yes, I am using an old dining room chair for now. I need to find a comfy one to match the room:

I found the tissue box that is sitting on my desk in some boxes at my parents house. When I brought it home, I was not anticipating the desk and whole green theme. It goes quite well:

This is a picture of underneath the desk. B installed two cubes of drawers and bought these smaller boxes as well. They are not empty, but I am still configuring them. When I do, I will post my organization (plus the closet project) for you to check out:

Finally, an inside view from the back corner. I love this new office and am happy I was able to take pictures for you during the day so you can see how much light I have in here from the sun.

On a side note, I really have to do something with that arm chair and ottoman. Even a slipcover would be an improvement right now.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Public Service Announcement to the Makers of Coupons

Dear Makers of Manufactured Coupons:

Please stop making your coupons so large that they cannot fit into any of my coupon holders. Coupons should not require my carting around some kind of carrier that is the size of a legal sized document. Coupons do not need huge pictures of the product on them. Can you just stick with the facts, please? What do I need to buy, how many do I need to buy, how much is the coupon worth and when does it expire. This can all fit into a 3" by 5" piece of paper. Trust me it can.

If you insist on making your coupons the size of greeting cards, I will not be clipping them. If I don't clip them, chances are I am not going to be purchasing your product.

Consider yourself warned.


The girl who loves coupons but does not love carrying a full size accordion file with her to Kroger.

How Do You Dispose of This?

This is the story of a girl who needed to use the disposal in her kitchen sink, but did not know how. Before you laugh at this girl and say silly things like "just flip the switch," listen to her story.

The girl decided to empty some food out of the fridge and down the disposal. She got the food, walked over to the sink and, luckily, before putting the food down the drain, decided to locate the switch for the disposal.

She looked to her left, where the switch should have been, no switch:

She looked up to the only other wall where a switch could have been, no switch:

She even looked at the disposal itself, no switch:

So she stopped looking. Instead, she threw the food in the garbage where it proceeded to stink up the place in no time and consulted her husband a/k/a B about this problem. B thought she was funny and went into the kitchen to show her how it is done.

B looked left:

B looked up:

B could not find the switch either. As is the case with all of the other problems in this old house, B knew that he could solve it. He WOULD fix this dilemma. He would solve the puzzle. There would be sink disposing in this house.

So B took to the internet. Over the next couple of weeks, B researched and read. He looked at the disposal. He researched and read. He took the disposal apart. He researched and read. He put the disposal back together again.

Sadly, B declared it a lost cause.

Even though B and the girl knew there HAD to be a way to turn on the disposal. They were stumped. They had stinky garbage. The girl was very sad.

Then one day B stumbled upon this item laying on top of the stove:

It looks like a very deep sink stopper, thought B. But they already had a sink stopper! Was this the answer to their dilemma? Could it be?

B took that item and put it in the sink:

...and much to his wondering eyes, the disposal turned on once the stopper was turned. It was magnetic. Like magic.

B was the hero. The girl was happy. Food was disposed of.

All was right in their world.

EDIT: The girl has been instructed by B to mention the fact that he suspected all along a magnet was involved. It is true, he did.

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