Guess Where I Am? Here's a Hint: My Mind Is Mush

I have been missing lately because I am preparing for yet another trial. Seriously. Remember when I had one in March, then there was one in August, and then one in December right before our party? Three in 9 months was not enough. I have another one starting today. This one is a two-fer, meaning when the trial is over, it just starts back up again with the same parties and the same court but fighting over different money.

Who wants to be me?

I didn't think so. In any event, as you read this I will be arguing my butt off.  To commemorate this event, I will share an exchange with the Judge from the first day of the March trial:

Judge: Are you sure you want to proceed with this case?
Me: Yes....
{Later}
Judge (to the other attorney): Are YOU sure you want to proceed with this case?
Him: Um...yes...?

I can only hope today is going half as well.

Would It Be Better If I Were Wearing a Coach Suit?

It has been rather stressful at the office these days.  I had a really ugly complicated case that resulted in my waking up one day with a huge knot in my back that I not so lovingly named after my opposing counsel.  Luckily that got resolved and the knot went away. I would also like to thank Excedrin Back and Body for coming to my aid.

It's just that things are super busy, which is good and bad. Good because more work equals job security and more fun. Bad because more work equals more work, less time and more scheduling conflicts.

I always know when the stress is getting to me because I will dream about the office, or usually court.  Last night I dreamt I was in federal court to help with a trial that I knew nothing about when the judge told me that I wasn't even wearing a suit. I looked down to find myself wearing a skirt and a jacket, certainly not a suit, but decided that I would defend myself by saying "Oh I see, if it is not a Coach suit, it doesn't count?" I don't even know what that means. Can you imagine a suit with the Coach insignia all over it? I shudder.

So it made me think of this post I drafted a while back about events I saw one motion day in court:

What Not To Say To the Judge If You Want to Win:

"All judges are liars"

"I cannot get a fair hearing here"

"I am suing three judges and the entire court system"

What You Don't Want to Hear the Judge Say If You Want to Win:

"The problem here is your client and her inconsistent testimony."

"What kind of attorney are you? The kind that just stands before me and spews garbage from his mouth?"

"What I want to know is who forged this Order?"

"Your opinion has no basis in fact."

"I have written many articles on this subject. In fact, there are a few cases you seemed to have left out of your brief."

Luckily these things were not said to me.  In fact, my opposing counsel felt the wrath that day when he tried to bluff me into a settlement only to be told by the judge that he and his client better agree to my terms or he was going to make him "try this" while shaking the file at him like it was the stupidest thing ever.  

That's my kind of day, even if they are few and far between.

Dog Days of Trial Are Over. I Have Not Yet Recovered.

That is what a dog looks like after spending 8 hours at doggie daycare.

That is what Dani feels like after spending 8 days in trial.

We both need more of this.

I Am Not MIA, More Like ITM

source

I am not missing in action, but in trial mode.  You know what that is like. It happens every couple of months and pretty much consumes all of the real estate in my brain. Right now, I can only think about are medical records, EMGs and EEGs.  I can tell you the finer points of determining whether a juror hates opposing counsel and how to try to keep that juror on the panel, but other than that, I am just a sleepy puddle.

This trial was only supposed to be three days.  However, tomorrow is day three and due to the court's schedule, surprise legal issues and general insanity, I think we will be on day 7 before we see anything really happening.  

So I will be pretty quiet.  Although I do hope to pump out some posts this weekend. I have a lot I want to share with you. I just need to formulate some words that are not in legalese or about medical conditions that everyone has or no one has.

Until then...get some stress free sleep for me please!

Tales From the Courthouse: Presentation is Everything, Until You Forget What You Are Presenting

As I sit here preparing for my court appearance tomorrow, I reminded of the nonsense I witnessed last week.

As usual, we were all crowded on small benches in the dreary hallway, waiting for the almost indiscernible sound of the courtroom door unlocking. Heard only by dogs -- and lawyers, naturally. Although the legal world is large, the world of lawyers that actually go to court are quite small. You see the same people time and time again. Naturally, camaraderie and inside jokes develop.

So when a woman gets wheeled down the hall on a gurney, strapped down, accompanied by two EMS personnel, an attorney says "That's not good" with a cynical chuckle. Another ponders if it is one of our colleague's clients.

However, when the gurney stops at the bathroom, and the woman, immediately after becoming unstrapped jumps off the gurney light as air and runs inside easy as can be, we all stare in disbelief. In fact, I say to the guy across from me "Did she just....", as he answers "Yes. Yes, she did." To think, I thought I have seen it all.

She is then heard yelling in the bathroom "I know law more than you do!" I am going to have to respectfully disagree lady. Presentation is everything and even though the gurney and the neck collar were a good start, the free moving limbs and sprite movements completely destroy the picture you are trying to create.

As she was wheeled away, we heard her mumble "This medication is making me crazy. I need to talk to an attorney about this"

That's not all you need to talk about.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring...

Tales from the Courthouse: Pursuing Justice with Grace

The other day I had to go to court on some motion hearings, three to be exact. That is a lot of courtrooms to run between. Luckily, one of my colleagues was there and took pity on me and did one of my hearings for me. He still got out of there well before I did. That was in large part because all three news channels were in my courtroom. Naturally, I was in the hall when that hearing occurred and missed being on TV, but I did get to witness the post hearing interview in the hall. It was a ridiculous law suit, filed on a decades old law that has since been overruled by subsequent law, to which the attorney claimed he would appeal. And he was wearing floods. Nothing like being on TV with too short pants.

In any event, as I was waiting and watching, I thought of all the things that I could post about my trip to the courthouse. I truly thought that the highlight of the day would be the guy next to me that screamed at his associate for a good 15 minutes about a brief using every swear word you can imagine and ending with:

"He had a finger stuck up his ASS? Does that sound consensual?"

No, it really doesn't does it? Well, although quite entertaining, that was not the highlight of my trip.

The highlight would be when I FELL on my HANDS AND KNEES.

IN THE STREET.

In front of an oncoming car and in front of at least 10 people, only 1 of whom asked me if I was okay.

And thereby SKINNED my one knee and bruised the other knee and also skinned my palm (but did not drop my phone - um...yay?).

At the time I did not know about the skinned knee and bruised knee although I suspected it from the pain. After telling the ONE person that asked if I was okay that I was, and after quickly getting up to make sure I wouldn't get hit by the car, I just casually walked to the parking structure like nothing had happened.

It was only as I was changing into the pair of jeans I luckily had thrown into my car that I realized the damage I had done.

That was over two weeks ago.

My left knee is still horribly bruised.

My right knee still shows evidence of being scraped.

And my pride? It is still lying in the street with pieces of my skin.

The Official Legal Argument as to Zombies

I know you are thinking to yourself, how did Dani get the official legal argument on zombies? Does such thing exist? Where did this occur? In court, of course. Silly readers. Where else do legal arguments form? Here's what happened.

After the judge granted my motion without my doing anything beyond uttering my name, I had to make my way back to chambers to get the order entered. I walked in to find the judge's law clerks staring intently at a computer saying such things as "HA HA" and "WHOA." I looked over their shoulders and realized that they were watching the Zombieland trailer. About four minutes later, and after the female attorney behind me had left in disgust, the trailer was over. As the clerks pondered how entertaining and fun that movie will be and where they could find more trailers to watch, one of them happened to see me out of the corner of his eye:

Clerk1: Well, hello.

Me: Hi.

Clerk1: Need to enter an order?

Me: Yep.

Clerk2: How long were you standing there?

Me: For half the trailer.

Clerks collectively: Ohhh....

Me: I think that looks like a good movie, very entertaining.

Clerk2: So you will be going to the premiere?

Me: Probably not the premiere, but at least the movie.

Clerk1: What if the judge orders you to go to the premiere?

Me: What if...the judge...ORDERS me to go to the Zombieland premiere?

Clerk1: Yeah, he likes movies.

Me: But does he like zombies?

Clerk1: I don't know....

Me: Really? Does anyone LIKE zombies? I mean we like to watch movies about zombies but no one is all "Oh I want to be a zombie, those things are cool."

Clerk1: Some people like zombies...

Me: Like who? Everyone likes to watch zombies get killed. Zombies are not fun or nice or cool.

Clerk2: What about Shaun of the Dead.

Me: What about it?

Clerk2: His friend in the end was a cool zombie.

Me: Well, he's the exception.

And then I left with my order.

In other news, for those that like zombies, you can now have your very own lawn ornament. How cool would this look? I am going to convince B we need to buy it.

Lawn ornament - $89.95

Shipping - $15.25

Faces of our neighbors when the wonder who the hell let us buy in this neighborhood? Priceless

Zombie of Montclair Moors (from SkyMall of course!)

Tales from the Courthouse Part Deux

Today I was in court, as one colleague said "the place with the huge columns and the judge." Well, there were no columns at this courthouse, but there was a judge and, of course, there was a criminal.  I was there on a civil matter, but those criminal matters always sneak their way in and usually go first what with a person's freedom and liberty at stake and all.

So, as usual, a guy is brought out in shackles and left in the jury box to await his case. Apparently this was a hearing to bind him over on the charges against him - all four or five of them that is. Why stop at one?

This guy was arrested for speeding in his Hummer when the cops spotted him while in the area looking for someone else entirely.  How unlucky is that?  Well this guy knows plenty about being unlucky.  You see - he was speeding in a Hummer which is pretty visible, while on a suspended license, drunk, with a gun and ammo in the car and while there was a warrant for his arrest in a different city.   So, tell me, is this unlucky or just plain stupid?

As the detective in charge read the details, it went a little something like this:

We were looking for a bad guy.  During that search, we spot the defendant driving like a maniac in his huge-ass Hummer and pull him over.  He reeks of "alcohol on his breath" (yes the detective added the "on his breath" part - these other words are mine) so we give about five sobriety tests of which he fails all five.  Breathalyzer is at .24 (at this point the judge looks over at the bailiff with a look and whispers .24 and the bailiff nods back in confirmation like "yes, that IS a lot" while I am thinking "it is but I have heard worse" and I do not nod at anybody). So, we take him out of the car and of course search it.  That is when we find an empty gun in a plastic bag (probably Kroger's) under the seat with two magazines of ammo inside the same bag.  (uh oh - you in TROUBLE - so says the face of almost everyone in the courtroom).  We determine that he has a bench warrant in a different city for another charge and also that his carrying a concealed weapon permit expired 6 years ago.

So the detective didn't say it exactly like that, but it pretty much sums it up. The detective asks for a $10,000 cash bond because he believes the guy is a huge risk. We in the cheap seats are all shocked at the amount, although believe it is probably appropriate. At this time, the bailiff announces that he has a note from the arresting officer that indicates the defendant has ANOTHER gun that is not registered and that they want it relinquished.  This guy is a cowboy!

So the guy decides he would like to take the opportunity to tell the judge that the warrant for his arrest in the other city is for obstruction of view "for a ROSARY your honor" looking all humble and pious.  The judge then shoots him down with a "yeah, your warrant is for employing dancers without a license."  Not so pious anymore.

Just when the audience had thought they had heard it all, the judge announces she is setting a $50,000 bond - all cash!  We were shocked.  That is a huge amount. This judge is tough!  She also told him that should he make bond he cannot drink or do drugs.  Oh, and he must relinquish that other gun immediately (not sure how he is going to do that from jail).

Now, the guy claimed he could pay for his own attorney because he was self-employed (although he gave some other employment besides the employing dancers without a license of course).  Meanwhile, I am thinking if you need to post $50,000 cash just to get out of jail, you might want to rethink the part where you say you can afford your own attorney. Just saying. 

Tales from The Courthouse

There is nothing like going to the courthouse to chase away your blues.  It is a rare courthouse trip that does not invite some humor or disbelief on my behalf and today was no exception.

First, I arrive at the courthouse and decide to use the ladies' room.  That 10 minute drive was something else.  So, after washing my hands I discover that there is no paper towel.  Standing there perplexed, I look around and spot what may be a hand dryer but like none I have ever seen. It is not square but more like an upside down water jug.  I draw nearer and see that there is something written on it:

Feel the Force.

Okay, call me intrigued. With no further instructions anywhere to be found, I proceed to stick my hands under the dryer when HOLY HELL - the dryer is so damn powerful it is MOVING MY SKIN.  This is not a test and certainly no joke.  I sat there and watched the skin on the back of my hand roll across my hand. It was so creepy.  I turned my hands over and watched the skin on my palms do the same thing.  So, so very wrong.  I had to seriously close my eyes for the rest of the drying procedure.  Luckily, the force was so strong, my hands were dry in no time flat. Wow. I know they say that you shouldn't believe everything you read, but if you are ever in a bathroom and it says "feel the force" on the hand dryer, do not doubt the force, for the force is indeed strong.

So, after that very scary event, I proceed up to the courtroom for a very humorous one. Waiting for my case to be called, I am witness to a sentencing for a DUI. This guy happens to be in his early 20s.  The probation department has written a sentencing guideline report for the judge. The judge asks this guy if he wants to say anything on his behalf. He wisely says no just as his attorney did a moment before.  Then the judge starts asking him questions and it all goes downhill from there.

The judge asks him if he is currently a student. He answers yes. Then the judge asks how many classes he is taking and he says "none."  The judge says "I thought you said you were enrolled in college."  The guys indicates that he is enrolled but is having financial aid problems.  The judge then asks when is the last time that he took classes and the guy says that he has never taken classes. He was enrolled in 2005 and then never got to take a class due to financial aid problems.  The judge then says "it appears that you and I have different definitions of the word 'enrolled', tell me have you ever taken a class at the college?" The guy says he has not and then states:

 

"There must have been a misunderstanding between me and the girl in probation. I told her that I was enROLLED not ENrolled."

Yes, he said the same word twice but with different inflection and, apparently, in his head, different meaning. Just listening to him I believe that he actually heard himself say it this way:

"I was ENrolled not INrolled."

Too much.  I immediately picked up my pen and wrote that down to bring straight to my blog.  No one else so much as batted an eye.  I guess such vernacular is par for the course around there.

That is not all that fine boy said. He also said he did not like AA because it was full of a bunch of alcoholics (he was on his second DUI).  He also wanted to find an AA group that was "enthusiastic" about being sober and not just full of a bunch of "losers."  As you can tell, he charmed the judge quite a bit.

There you have it. Stay tuned for more Tales from The Courthouse, brought to you weekly.

I'm back.....

So I have returned. Where have I been? Everywhere of course, and apparently too tired, busy, or lazy to post. Since I have been away for um, about 7 months, there is a lot to say. Rather than give a detailed accounting, however, I am opting for an edited list edition. So here it is. This is my life for the past 7 months in list form and probably forgetting half of what occurred.

1. Had my going away party. As you can see from the posted picture, there were a lot of green drinks. Yes, it was strange drinking a green margarita on St. Patrick’s Day, but as predicted the place was empty. The party was beyond boring! If not for my good friend J, I may have shot someone. However, since she was there, I left the gun play for those outside the bar. Yes, indeed, someone had a gun on St. Patrick’s Day. Go figure. No shots fired. Drunks arrested. Drunks inside the bar, however, still there to annoy me. Perfect ending to the not so perfect job.

2. No matter where you go in life, people are the same. Same zany work people, just different degrees. And, yes, people still complaint about missing itmes. Here at THE NEW PLACE I have received many emails regarding items I did not know we had (pliers) from places I did not know existed (Zerbie ring drawer). If you know where any of these items are or more importantly can translate “Zerbie ring drawer” for me, please let me know at once. I know I am sitting here missing something big at THE NEW PLACE as I type. BREAKING NEWS: My Secretary just handed me a memo and apparently Zerbie is some kind of paper binding system. Carry on. Crisis resolved.

3. My office, or rather, my phone is haunted. It’s true. I am being haunted by Roger. Apparently Roger used to have the extension that I have. So I now receive his voicemails from the past and sometimes, from Roger himself. Quite freaky. At first the HR person thought I was crazy. Then she thought she was crazy after listening to it. What she failed to realize is that Roger and I are like soul mates intertwined through electrical currents. Come to find out that Roger liked to send messages to himself in the future. Guess what I am getting? Yep, those messages. Who knows when this will end. I do know a lot about Roger now. Hee hee hee….

4. Overheard one day at THE NEW PLACE: a partner speaking to his secretary: "and don't be crying over your hair". Seriously.

5. My doctor wanted me to have a sleep study done and he said that the facility would contact me. It had been a week so I called them. Here is a transcript of the conversation:

Them: ISW

Me: Hi, my doctor wanted me to have a sleep study done at your facility and stated you were going to call me. It has been over a week so I just want to make sure that you received my paperwork.

Them: Okay, one minute

(2 seconds later)

Them: ISW, can I help you? (same girl)

Me: Yes, it is the same person you were just talking to and put on hold.

Them: No, we did not have anybody on hold.

Me: Yes, you just talked to me 2 seconds ago - supposed to have a sleep study done, wanted to make sure you have my paperwork....

Them: I can check that for you. When did you have your sleep study done?

Me: I HAVEN'T HAD A SLEEP STUDY DONE. I am supposed to have one scheduled.

Them: Okay, what is your name?

Me: First. Last.

Them: Okay First....go ahead with your last name.

Me: LAST

Them: That does not sound familiar but I will check.

(4 seconds later)

Them: I have your paperwork right here.

And I am supposed to trust their diagnosis?? No. I had the second sleep study done at another place. A little less ludicrous but still slightly crazy. I do have sleep apnea. The treatment? Look it up for yourself. You will be scared. More on that one later.

6. My cousin had a baby, a precious little girl. I was there for the whole event. Yes the WHOLE event. Words cannot describe, nor would you want them to. Ha! It was very beautiful and I was happy and proud to be a part of it. What was not beautiful was waiting around with a bunch of lunatics that I also happen to call family. That made for a LONG wait. One example before I move on – a nun (really) who kept telling the waiting room that it did not take this long when she gave birth (yep, never had), who broke all kinds of speeding laws to get to the hospital, and who loudly declared that my cousin should shoot her dog and kill it because it could possibly attack the baby. Yep, a nun. I actually asked her more than once if she really was a nun. She claimed it was true. Hmmmm…..I am still investigating that one.

7. Seen in court: Man wearing not only a priest collar but also a sheriff badge. Now what are the chances that he is both? I would say slim to none. Also, I don’t think a priest/sheriff would be getting a call from Social Services. He did. I heard the whole think because he is apparently deaf as well. I think he just could not decide which “costume” would better impress the judge, a priest or a sheriff so he went as both. Happy Halloween!!