Damaged, Dodged, Deposed, Discussed a/k/a Things I Did Last Week

Last week flew by and I barely posted. This caused me to stop and think about what I did all week:

1. Totally wiped out my computer at work with some spyware.
2. Became the office joke for wiping out said computer ("maybe you shouldn't surf for PORN")
3. Tried to explain I was really just using an online translator ("yeah for the PORN")*
4. Tried to figure out how to work for the next three days without a computer (how does one answer emails, bill time, generate documents, and review what's been done previously on a file without a computer? It was like living in the dark ages - pen, paper and my brain only. I barely survived!)
5. Tried to avoid the sickness plague that took over our office. Seriously, they were dropping like flies. One day we had four people leave early while another 7 were already out. By Friday we were down to just a few. I did not stick around.
6. Spent four and a half hours in deps on Tuesday. No break. No lunch. VERY crabby!
7. Spent four hours in court on Friday. No break. No lunch. VERY VERY crabby!!
8. Took a deposition of a surgeon and watched my opponent attempt to rip him to shreds, only to ask him after the dep if he would treat him for his carpal tunnel.
9. Discussed Tiger Woods. A lot.
10. Came home to numerous boxes and packages on our porch. I love online Christmas shopping.
11. Thought about plans for exciting new things for the blog next year.**
12. Cleaned, straightened, grocery shopped, meal planned, and strategized for our housewarming/holiday party.***
13. Watched B put finishing touches on different parts of the house for said party.
14. Finally, got to sleep in on Saturday.

I expect this week to be less hectic with more posting. Let's see if it shakes out that way.

*Obviously, the most important thing in watching porn is being able to understand what is being said. Actions be damned - the dialogue is all that matters!

**Are you intrigued? Excited? Curious? Are you even paying attention???

***Party post to come soon although I ended up not taking a lot of pictures. Boo on me!

Not So Secret and Not So Blind Update

So, I totally had to change my scheduled post today so I could come back here and update you as to yesterday's events.  After all, at least 3 of you asked. That is demand enough for me.  This is what I got for information on the big "date." 

Day after date:  

I see friend and say "how was the date?" He says "okay."  I express complete and utter shock that there actually was a date.  He just shrugs and says "I'll see her again."  

Day after day after date:

I realize that I am missing a CRUCIAL piece of information - her name.  Would also like to see what other details I can drum up.  So I see friend and have this exchange:

Me:  What was that girl's name?

Friend: Girl? What girl? 

Me: The girl from the other night - your "blind" date.

Friend: Oh you mean the woman?

Me: Sure...whatever...what was her name?

Friend:  Randy

Me: RANDY? Her name is RANDY? She's a guy!

Friend: She spells it with an "i"

Me: I don't care if she spells it with hearts and flowers, she's a guy!

Me: She is SO a guy!! She's a guy!  [This also involved me pointing at him while chanting]

I then turn to a nearby person who is half participating (mainly eavesdropping) in the conversation and say, "She is SO a guy!"  

Friend: No, she is all woman.

Me: She's a dude.

Friend: I am telling you she is all woman, I know.

Me: A boy can buy boobs too you know.

I turn to other person, "It is true, boys can buy boobs. That means NOTHING."

Friend:  I know for a 100% fact that she is a woman*

Me: [speechless]

Me: Oh.

Me: And the date was just okay??

*He knows because he looked at her driver's license. What were YOU thinking?

Double Secret Blind Date

I know you are wondering, how can a blind date be double secret? Isn't a blind date, well, a blind date? The answer of course is no.  Let me fill you in on the double secret blind date of which I just became aware of today.*  A guy I know told me he had a date.  Not that he is an infrequent dater by any means. In fact, he dates a lot. He only tells me about the unusual, unique or downright hilarious ones.  So I brace myself for a doozy of a story. Instead I get a voicemail. His voicemail.  It went something like this:

"Hi Riddler's Friend. You don't know me but a mutual friend told me that I should call you so that we could go out.  I am 5'4, lean, with long blond hair and big boobs. So give me a call."

I decide this is a joke. This is a joke, right? No, says my friend. He insists he talked to this woman on the phone and he is going out with her tonight. During their conversation he found out she is a personal trainer, runs triathlons, and could kick his ass. I am convinced she is a boy.  What he did not find out is (1) who told her to call him and (2) her name. (I don't know how he called her without knowing her name. I presume she just answered).  You heard that right. He is going out with an unnamed woman whom he does not know referred to him by some alleged unnamed friend.  How much more double secret could it get?

Even though he is a boy, I ask him if he is taking a friend, or perhaps a weapon, with him?  He just laughs.  I remind him that (a) she sounds like a boy, or at least a mean-kick-your-ass girl, (b) she can kick his ass and (c) HE DOES NOT KNOW HER NAME.  Really - we may never hear from him again after tonight. He assures me he is going somewhere where he knows a lot of people.  Yep, everyone but her I guess.

And let's get back to the voicemail. Pretend this is real. Who describes themselves like that? Really?  Who says 5'4", lean, long blond hair and BIG BOOBS?  A boob that's who.  Not sure it would be someone I wanted to date. Can you imagine, girls, if a boy called you and said this:

"I am 6'2", athletic, dark hair and I have a big penis."

On second thought, maybe she has the right idea...

*Yep, I just coined the phrase double secret blind date. Feel free to use it in the future. Just don't actually go on one. 

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

I will never think the same of this saying ever again.  I blame independent films in general and IFC specifically.  It all started out as a normal lazy Saturday day. The kind where I lay around and do nothing other than sleep, occasionally broken up by getting wrapped up in some movie that I just CANNOT stop watching.  

Independent movies are awesome.  They are edgier and deeper. Sometimes you can see well known actors/actresses in atypical roles.  You feel pretty elite and uber smart watching them. Until you watch the movie entitled "Sleeping Dogs Lie."  The guide on the TV said something like "a young girl's past indiscretion ruins her relationship" or something. I swear I was not even clued in by the title, but I got a clue in the first five minutes.  Let me put this to you delicately - young girl, foolish perhaps, alone in dorm room, with her dog, ewwwwww. Got it?  Use your imagination and then make it worse.  Luckily THAT scene did not play out in the movie.  And as crazy as this is, I continued to watch it. The rest of the movie centered on her insane desire to be COMPLETELY honest with her fiance prior to marriage. She gets all kinds of advice from people encouraging her to be honest without any clue as to her "secret."  She tells.  She is overheard. Her parents are told.  Hilarity ensues.  No, really, horror ensues.  

I watched the entire movie.

Is there something wrong with me?  Seriously. This was almost as bad as the time I got sucked up in the movie that went something like this - mom with broken leg, son caring for mom, cabin in the middle of nowhere, dad away on work trip, ewwwwww.  What is with these movies? What is with me watching them? 

About 3/4 of the way through the movie, B comes home, looks at the TV and says "I know what this is."   Let me give you some back story.  B thinks he is the king of movies.  It is true, you can ask him.  In fact, when we first started dating, he bragged about this incessantly.  He actually challenged me to name 5 movies that he hadn't seen that were not "chick flicks, stupid, or very old." I did.  I found 5.  I won.  He conveniently does not remember that entire conversation.  However, it occurred and I demoted him to the prince of movies.  So, quite often, while I am watching a movie, he will come in and declare he has seen it, attempt to name it within 30 seconds and if he is right shout "Ha!"  Um, okay.  

Back to this movie.  B insists he has seen it.  I say "Ha! I know you have not seen THIS one" thinking there is NO way this boy saw this movie.  He doesn't even like independent flicks.  He turns to me and says "oh yeah? It is the movie where the girl and her dog...."  I about fell out of my chair.  He really saw this movie!  Later, when I just wanted to know what happened and was getting bored, I asked him to tell me and he could. B sat through the ENTIRE movie! What is wrong with him? What is wrong with me?  Are we just some crazy obsessed sexually inappropriate movie lovers? Or are we uber smart, sophisticated and cultured?  

I say the latter.

P.S. Sorry Moms for the subject matter. Yes, I have two Moms. No they are not gay. Didn't we cover this already?

Porntastic Fortune

This past weekend my family and I were at a Chinese restaurant on a stop over on bringin my brother home.  We all got fortune cookies. My gripe with fortune cookies is that they are never really fortunes anymore.  More like proverbs or characteristics such as "traveling puts a smile on your face."  Gee, thanks.  I did not know THAT.  It is rare you get a true fortune. Makes me wonder if those evil* lawyers had something to do with it. 

Now, I am not sure that what I discovered in my fortune cookie that day would consitute a fortune, but it is porntastic.**  Here we go:

"A tub and a rub would do you good."

Think about it. Tell me that your first reaction wasn't WHAT?  Maybe because tub sounds an awful lot like tug? OR maybe because who the heck calls a bath and a massage "a tub and a rub"? OR who the heck would recommend to someone "a tub and a rub" to "do them good."  Those wacky Chinese fortunes! Never had a porntastic one before, so now my fortune life is complete.

*yes I am a lawyer; no I am not evil.

**porntastic is a completely made up word by me in which I cleverly combine "porn" and "fantastic".  Get it? Porntastic.   Thank me later for that one.

***not sure what the photo has to do with anything except it is (a) a fortune cookie and (b) references lawyer things.