Jersey Doesn't Like Amish People. Or Horses. Or Both. It Must Be a Dog Thing.

On the drive up north to the cottage* we ended up behind a car with a handicap plate. B has a theory about driving on the freeway behind people with handicap plates, but I will leave that for another day. Perhaps a guest post? In any event, as I was contemplating how to get around this woman, B alerted me to the fact that there was an Amish buggy ahead. Sure enough, there was a horse drawn buggy. It passed in front of the woman ahead of us at which time a dog suddenly appeared out of nowhere from within her vehicle and started barking furiously. B and I laughed and wondered what would make a dog so crazay about a horse drawn buggy of Amish people as as we drove by with Jersey barely even glancing in that direction.

That is, until we had to pass another Amish buggy, this time on the road with us. As soon as we were even with the buggy, Jersey let out a ferocious growl and started barking up a storm, much to our surprise. I may have shouted out something ridiculous like "JERSEY! They are AMISH!" As if that made any sense or as if the dog could understand something that involved.

Here to illustrate is Jersey. She went from looking like this:


Such a sweet, out-of-focus, crooked face. To this:

Ferocious! Too bad she was looking at B when that shot was taken.

Then she went to this:

Where are they?

Let me at 'em.

Okay, maybe she was just trying to get some air and crush B in the process. A 45 lb dog on your lap attempting to stand? NOT comfortable. Also not comfortable? Being jolted awake on a road trip because that same 45 lb dog has climbed over the back seat and is SITTING ON YOUR SHOULDER. Good times.

After passing the second Amish buggy, I pondered about the fact that the woman was driving. B responded with:

B: Perhaps she thinks it is weird that YOU are driving.

Me: Maybe. However, I wasn't born in the 1900s when such things were unusual.

B: Um...you only spent almost your ENTIRE life in the 1900s.

Me: Huh. Whatever.

So we let Jersey take the wheel:

Isn't she a natural?

EYES ON THE ROAD JERSEY! I swear that dog is trying to kill us.

Or maybe just the Amish...

*This trip has given me a lot of material. Cottage trips more often!!

Crime Watch Wednesday: Is it Really an OUIL if You Are Sleeping or if the Car is Not Moving?

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday brings us the tale of a sleepy drunk or drunk sleeper. You be the judge.

A man was spotted sleeping in his car, slumped behind the wheel in the early morning hours. The keys were not in the ignition, but in the console. The car was not running however, the front tire was blown out. The man reeked of alcohol and placed himself at a location approximately 100 miles from where he actually was. He refused all sobriety tests and was arrested for operating a vehicle under the influence.

OUIL, really? The vehicle wasn't moving. Heck, the keys were not even in the ignition. Maybe the guy never even drove the car. Are they solely relying on the fact that he said he was actually 100 miles from where he was? Maybe he walked, or stumbled, there. Maybe he parked his car 100 miles away*, stumbled back there drunk and decided to sleep it off. And now he is facing charges. What's a 100 miles to a drunk? I mean a SLEEPY person.

Is there no justice in this world??

Now THIS is operating under the influence:

No doubt about that one. Hi, Dukes of Hazzard** lady! Also? Rumor has it she tried to get BACK in the car and drive again. After she landed.

That's some scary stuff.

*Okay, now I am thinking of that Proclaimers song "I Would Walk 500 Miles." Maybe the songwriter was in a similar situation? Huh.

**I totally had to Google "Dukes of Hazzard" because spell check was telling me I spelled "Hazzard" wrong. Apparently spellcheck is not a fan of bad 70s TV shows. And by "bad", I mean "hella good."

***In other news, songs and lyrics seem to be a theme around here lately. That is totally unintentional. I cannot plan my day let alone an entire blog theme. Just so you know.

Crime Watch Wednesday: Perhaps Not a Professional BMX Rider...

This week's crime chronicles brings us the story of a man who does not know the old saying "it's like riding a bicycle" because clearly he is incapable of riding one, at least as a means of escape:

After a reported bike theft, officers found the suspect riding the bike nearby. In an effort to escape, the thief ran into something with his bike and fell off. He was then taken into custody and identified by the victim as the person that stole the victim's bike.

Wait. What? In an effort to escape, he rode straight into something and FELL OFF THE BIKE? Color me confused but what did he think that was going to accomplish? Was he going to claim he was never on the bike in the first place? He didn't even try to run away! FAIL.

However, this story reminds me of a recent conversation with B:

B: I see so many prostitutes on the way to work in the morning, it is ridiculous.

Me: Really? They do like to work the early hours.

B: I see a lot of them get picked up. At least 6 this year. And I am only on the road for like 5 minutes.

Me: Wow. That is a lot.

B: The other day I saw a girl get into a van.

Me: I would make a terrible prostitute because I would never get into a van. You might not come back out.

Me: Hmm...I might not get into anything. I suck at this.

B: Well, they just go to vacant lots anyway.

Me: Still...

B: And their pimps are usually nearby on a bicycle.

Me: Wait. Huh, what? A bike? So what...a guy kidnaps me in a van and my pimp is going to do what? Cycle after me?

Me: Yep, no vans and no prostitution for me.

Of course, THAT conversation reminds me of something that happened at the office recently when I was asked if I knew what "$30 for a half and half meant." After confirming it was a deed done in prostitution, I was asked if I knew specifically what it was. I did not, but I could surmise. My thoughts included...well, shall we say delicately...half manual, half oral? Turns out I was right. You know what else? Turns out the guy that hired me told them that I would know the answer.

I was shocked, then offended, and then proud.

I am still proud.

Half and half for the people! But not for $30. That seems awfully cheap.

Crime Watch Wednesday: And Your Little Dog Too!

This week's crime watch chronicles brings us the tale of Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, only drunker. And as a middle-aged man:

Police stopped a man riding a bicycle after he was reported to be shouting "F you" to a bunch of youths outside of a party store. The man was stopped and found to have blood shot eyes, the smell of alcohol and was unsteady on his feet. He admitted he had been drinking. While transporting him to the station the man said to the officers "Just wait - I'll get you...Just wait till I get out and get you..."

No word on whether he was released on his bicycle or whether said bicycle had a little basket on the front.

Chances are it did.

Crime Watch Wednesday: Twice the Trouble!

This week's crime watch chronicles brings us the story of a bicycle struck by a car. Not just any bicycle, however. This was a tandem bicycle. Observe:

A driver struck a tandem bicycle as he turned right at the intersection. The driver stated that he did not see the bike as it entered the street from the sidewalk. He made sure to check on both the cyclists to see if they were injured. They were not. Despite the rear tire being bent, the cyclists continue on their way, in tandem.

Okay, maybe I added those last two words, but let's review. You could not see a tandem bike? How could you miss it unless when deciding to turn right you only looked left? That can be the only explanation. Knowing the people around here I am surprised that a baby buggy seat thing was not attached to the back thereby making the tandem bike about two cars lengths long. How do you steer one of those things? I have enough trouble with my cruiser.

On another note...I recently spotted a person riding a tandem bicycle alone. Alone! It was the saddest thing I ever saw. It does not matter that the person was smiling. I know in their heart, they were crying from loneliness.

One person should not ride a bicycle made for two.

Fact.

Strawberries and Freeways Don't Mix

B and I were driving home after having dinner with my family the other night. Well, I was driving home and B was supposed to be giving me directions. Yes, I have lived in this city all my life and yes I drove TO the restaurant, but clearly he should have been paying closer attention. You see, while I was driving I decided to flap/blow my lips kind of like you do when giving someone a strawberry on their belly, but minus the whole other person and belly part. Then I decided that was funny:

Me: That was funny.

B: What?

Me: When I blow my lips like that I can see them flapping up.

B: That is weird.

Me: And my glasses shake.

B: Which probably makes your vision shake.

Me: It does!

[flapping lips again]

B: WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

Me: What do you mean? I am driving.

B: You are getting on the wrong freeway.

Me: Where am I supposed to be?

B: OVER THERE [pointing]

Me: Too late now I guess.

B: Oh great. You are so busy FLAPPING YOUR LIPS we are now going in the completely wrong direction.

Me: You should have told me.

B: I DID tell you.

Me: Um, yeah, after I was already on the wrong freeway.

B: Maybe you would have known if you weren't busy FLAPPING YOUR LIPS! Seriously, WHO DOES THAT??

So we end up going quite a way out of our way to get back home. Half way through I start laughing hysterically remembering B saying "if you weren't so busy flapping your lips" as it was hilarious and meant quite literally in this case.

It then took me a good 10 minutes to stop laughing and explain to B what I found "so damn funny." With tears in my eyes, I tell him. His response?

"REALLY, who DOES that?"

And I started laughing all over again.

We're Swingers!

We got the porch swing!! If you remember, one of the things I loved about our house when we were thinking about purchasing it was the swing on the back porch. B and I sat there and contemplated buying the house and it gave me the best memory. Of course, the former owners took the porch swing with them when they left. I would like to begrudge them, but I know I probably would have done the same. Especially since I think theirs may have been hand made. Ours is from Lowe's. I promise to love it just the same.

Check out the 5 foot beauty:

Yes, the concrete on our back porch is ugly as hell. One day we will remedy that.

So after telling me that it was MY job to get the porch swing and that I should do it the next day, B drove us straight to Lowe's after dinner. In the middle of a rainstorm. With hail. Because you know that is the perfect time to buy a swing.

However, B was the perfect gentlemen and dropped me off under a canopy. At the opposite end of the story. After walking about a mile, I caught up with him and the swing hunt was on. We also looked at grills, but that is a purchase for a different day. By the time we got home it was dark. Later, as I was about to fall asleep in my chair, B called me down to show me that he had put the swing together and hung it - in the dark. Here is proof of his efforts as he adjusted it:

And here it is in all of its fine glory:

And this is what crooked blinds neighbor guy will see when I sit there in the swing in the mornings eating breakfast and pondering why he won't just FIX HIS BLINDS!

I cannot wait for summertime on the porch. Now, if only I had a laptop...

The Little Engine That Signaled Spring

As I was sitting here reading other people's blog posts yesterday, I heard what I assumed was a motorcycle that had fallen deathly ill driving, or attempting to drive, down our street. I turned to watch it out the window behind my desk (how handy is that? I can spy without moving). I watched it cross the intersection after making the required stop at the stop sign and then it sort of puttered out once it tried to go further down the street. The driver, perhaps realizing he was getting nowhere slowly, turned around to go back the way he came. However, once he stopped at the stop sign again, his attempts to move forward only resulted in the engine shutting off in the middle of the intersection thereby forcing him to roll the bike backwards so as to not be killed by passing cars.

As I watched him attempt to start this "motorcycle" up numerous times, I was reminded of Grease 2 and Max Caulfield's attempts to learn to ride a motorcycle in order to impress Michelle Pfeiffer. The guy outside my window even had the same helmet.

As I started to hum "Cool Rider," the motorcycle started up (although with no roar), and the guy proceeded to putter with a little more speed down my street.

Spring is coming people. Even if it is just puttering in.

Real live flowers outside my front door. A pleasant surprise gift from the previous homeowners.

Unlike the missing window in our foyer door.

Or taking the back porch swing with them when they moved.

Wanna Go For a Ride?

Take a look at my super cool new bike! You like? Let me tell you the story here.  This is a $450 Felt cruiser bike.  It is also an exact replica of the first Harley Davdison motorcycle made in 1903. Don't believe me? Look it up.  Apparently the first motorcycle was a bike with a motor on it (go figure!).  Guess what I paid for this bad boy? NOTHING!  I won it.  How fab is that?

I have been wanting a bike for a while and I really wanted a cruiser.  My idea of the perfect bike ride is cruising around. I don't want to mess around with gears and all that nonsense.  So I have been telling everyone who will listen (mostly B and whether he actually listened is debatable) that I want a cruiser bike.  It was a want though, not a need.  Because of that, I did not give it much thought except when entering contests.  Even then, it was not always on my mind.

Case in point - this contest.  It was an instant win contest (meaning you instantly know if you win something - pretty accurate descrption, right?).  The grand prize was a car and I entered my information not remembering it was an instant win when suddenly it announced I had won first prize.  I was not excited at first because I thought it was a bottle of tea or something (the sponsor was a tea company).  I IM'd my mom and it went something like this:

Me:  I just won first prize in an instant!

Mom:  Woo hoo! What is it?

Me:  I dont know. I think it is a bottle of tea.

Me: Wait. What is a Felt bike?

Me: OH MY GOD - I won a bike!

Me: I won a bike!

Mom:  What? I was just entering that contest for your Dad! You stole his bike!

Indeed I did.  At that time I had no clue what the bike would look like. B told me it was going to be a "granny bike" and would point out every insane person on an old looking bike and say "that will be you."  Smart ass.

When I picked that beauty up I could not believe my eyes. It is so gorgeous and so retro.  This lady in the shop was eyeing it but then I gave her the evil eye and she left.  After I brought it home, I took it for a whirl in our parking lot and declared it "the best win ever" which is probably not true, but it sure is fun.

Downside - it weighs a lot. We are on a second floor condo.  Doubt I will be lugging that thing up and down the stairs too much.  Doubt B will be willing to lug it up and down too much either.  

But I will ride.  I will ride.