Friday, September 26, 2008

Ramblings of a Riddler...

It has been a long week and I cannot put together one big coherent story, so that will have to wait until tomorrow.  Instead, you get my ramblings. Enjoy.

~People look at you funny if you only wash one hand in the bathroom, even if your other hand is injured and you did not use it.  These same people do not blink twice if someone walks out of the bathroom without washing their hands at all.~

~Your stream of consciousness is supposed to STAY in your consciousness. When I am waiting for the judge to call my case, I do not want to hear the following come from your mouth in between gasps for air "must put my stuff down" and "have to check in with the clerk now."  I do NOT need a play by play of your actions because I can SEE YOU (and you are not that interesting in any event).~

~The doctor has told me I am narcoleptic, among other things.  I prefer to say I love naps. Nice long naps. All day long.  However, even I, in my narcoleptic state, could not fall asleep and immediately start snoring LOUDLY within two minutes of sitting down in a courtroom.  How do you make it through your job buddy?  Oh - and you need to see a few doctors, at a minimum, to help you with your multitude of problems.  But not my doctor. He only misdiagnoses me and then forgets my ailments.  That will not do you any good.~

~My office eats WAY too many Cheezits (not I - I stick to pretzels).  We have gone through 4 cases in a week. That is 12 lbs per case or 48 POUNDS of Cheezits. In a WEEK??? We need an office fast (um, not feast) pronto! Although the person that dropped the Cheezit in the bathroom needs a different kind of help.  Cheezits in the bathroom?  Why would you take FOOD in the bathroom?~

~Speaking of bathrooms and the office, a vagina exploded in the women's office the other day. Yes, you read right. No, I have no explanation. I apologize if the word "vagina" offended you but you cannot nearly be as offended as my nostrils were.  I can only hope that the person was in our office seeking counsel to file a lawsuit against her doctor for malpractice.  If not, she should be.  And I should get pain and suffering.  Five hours worth.  That is how long it took to clear up. Five hours!  I think they actually infused the bathroom with brand new air.  Oh and to the person a couple hours later that thought the bathroom spray would work? It didn't.  It just smelled like a flowery exploded vagina. Nice try though.~

~Speaking of math and the office (see math two paragraphs ago), it is probably a good idea if you are going to send a forwarded email to the entire office about an alternate proposal for the $700 billion bailout, that you make sure the math in the email is correct.  Otherwise, someone in the office, perhaps even your own secretary, will immediately hit "reply to all" and totally destroy the whole point of the email with accurate calculations and everyone else will just pretend they did not witness the whole chain of events.  (No, I did not send out this forward. I also did not do the math but did check it and cackle after the reply to all). (P.S. even snopes did the math right)~

~I say F@ck an awful lot. Even when I am not reinjuring myself.~

~Yesterday afternoon there was a "Breaking News" email sent by the local news indicating a nearby school had been closed due to a "foul odor having been detected."  Boy, that vagina travels.~

~Does anyone know what Pickleball is?  Someone in the office won a gold medal in this event. I am not sure if it is a sport or something dirty. Either way I am scared.  I was also blissfully unaware that some coworkers were involved in local Olympics.  Lost bliss  is a terrible thing.~

~One can only wonder what Google searches will lead people to this post.~

15 important things being said:

Jennifer said...

YOu are so funny. I am never ever going to your office. Ever.

*~Dani~* said...

That is sad Jennifer as you are totally missing out on life changing and nostril assulating experiences. I feel for you and your dull life.

Marketing Gurl said...

You are so funny, but at least the day goes fast!

*~Dani~* said...

marketing gurl - thanks for stopping by. I only wish that the days went by that fast. Sometimes they do. Other times, when there are funky smells, the day cannot go by fast enough!

Marketing Gurl said...

Okay seriously, I can't get the vagina thing out of my head...ha ha ha

*~Dani~* said...

marketing gurl - better in your head that in your nostrils. I can STILL smell it.

rationalpsychic said...

It's weird, but the google "vagina explode" does come up with a lot of entries--surprisingly few of which are pornographic.

By the way, if you know anyone in the world of music, I'm willing to sell the rights to "Vagina Explode" for a pittance. I predict instant stardom for a band named thusly.

annette said...

Hey Danielle
Pickleball is like baseball, only two people are playing catch. Several people run back and forth between the two catchers. The catchers try to tag the runners. If you are tagged you are out. The last guy to be tagged is the winner. Kudos to your coworker. I didn't know they played at a league level. lol

annette said...

hey dani
my mom says pickleball is like playing catch - two people throw the ball back and forth to each other while other people try to run from each person while the ball is in the air. If one of the catchers tags one of the runners they are out. If they are the last person out they win. Not so impressive to win a medal for. Just my opinion ;)

*~Dani~* said...

annette - thanks for clearing that up. You are right, not that impressive for winning a medal especially at the senior level. It sounds more like a game for kids!

annette said...

hey danielle
sorry about the duplicate comment... I had to register to post it and then when I went back to my message it was gone. So I retyped it all and then it was back.. ??? I really am not losing it, contrary to popular opinion :)
Take Care
Annette

*~Dani~* said...

annette - no worries. I figured something like that must have happened and I was going to delet one for you but I could not decide which answer I liked better so I kept them both!

Ryan C. said...

I noticed that the math on the bailout was way off but never came close to hitting reply to all.

Oh yea, your result #7 when search for "Vagina Explode Pickleball" in Google. I guess that makes you a #6!

*~Dani~* said...

Ryan - I cannot believe I am only #7 for Vagina Explode Pickleball. Makes me wonder how many vaginas are exploding during Pickleball. At least 6. And now I am going to have to post the 7 mystery things about me so that people will know what you are referencing.

BrokenRhino said...

Well at least that gives you something to write about.

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