Do You Like My Purse?

This is my purse.  Just a normal looking big black purse.  It is not that interesting.  However, what is inside just very well may be.  I decided today I must clean out my purse because it weighs approximately 10 pounds.  This was also prompted by the client that said something to me along the lines of "that's not a purse - that's a suitcase" and my partner who quickly followed with "you're such a girl." Hmmm.

So after taking a brief look inside my purse, I decided it was too crazy not to share.  Men - take note - women carry a whole bunch of shit in their purse for no good reason.  Indeed, here is what I found:

First section (yet it is divided into three sections with an additional inside pocket and two outside pockets - who needs all that? Women! To keep us organized, of course).

Cell phone

Itouch (heavy and only goes to and from the office. Not sure why I don't leave it there locked up. Maybe because that would be smart)

Cell phone charger (don't normally carry that but the phone was low on juice and I needed to charge it while at the office)

Pack of gum (need fresh breath while hobsnobbing)

Makeup bag containing mirror, Carmex, lipgloss, lipstick, another lipgloss, another lip balm, hand sanitizer, three things of floss (I rarely floss), a safety pin and a ponytail holder (yes women also need bags inside of bags - they keep us organized - sensing the theme yet?)

Two Kleenexes (not used, thank you very much)

Business card holder (which I can never pull out easily when a potential client is around, only when I am looking for something else)

Gum wrapper (useless)

Piece of paper with gum in it (nice - I am almost ashamed to admit this but you have put it somewhere when you are in court and there is no trash)

26 cents

Second section (yes we are only on two out of three sections and haven't gone near the inside pocket or outside pockets):

Dunkin Donut coupon

Cheerios coupons

Envelope with expense check stub (yay expense checks!)

Eyeglass cleaner cloth

Samples of feminine products I was supposed to leave at office (oops)

Oral B Brush Up sample

Wallet (with credit cards, driver's license, grocery store cards, etc)

Calculator

Sample of lens cleaning cloth

2 more hand sanitizers (what the hell?)

2 more samples of floss (ditto)

Pen

Crystal Light Immunity sample 

Antibacterial towelette (not used)

Sample of Excedrin extra strength (I like samples and Excedrin)

Splenda Flavor Blends French Vanilla packet

2 stray pieces of trident gum

Safety pin

Lip gloss

Ice Breakers tiny liquid ice things (in a package)

Nail file advertising someone running for judge 

Change purse with no change in it but $25.00 cash (that is a lot of cash on hand for me)

A fortune - oh yes, this one "a tub and a rub will change your day" (apparently my post on that did not have the exact wording)

Whew! On to Section Three (no I am not done - you think I should be done, but I assure you I am not):

Blank Speedi Teller slips to deposit my expense checks (yay)

Copy of deposited speedi teller slip

Speedi Teller envelope

Notebook for important thoughts and plans (mostly blank - no comments on that one!)

A quarter

Three more pieces of gum in paper (I went to court a lot recently)

Gift cards to the mall and to a department store that I need to use

Small wallet/purse with Caribou Coffee gift card, Macy's gift card, and Barnes & Noble gift cards (gosh I have a lot of gift cards - why am I sitting on all of this free money?)

Believe it or not, we are at the end. The inside pocket contains feminine products that I will not go into here or my male readers, all 3 of them, will never return.  The outside pockets are thankfully empty although I believe they contained things at some point in time.

So there it is.  Can you believe it? I cannot. I actually think there is more in my purse than the time my mom and I played this game when I was at her house. You really find out a lot about a person by what they hoard, I mean keep, in their purse.  Yes, Mom, I am talking to you!

Now you might think...what could I possible ever need with all of this stuff? Come on! I am SO prepared for anything.  I can have perfect breath and teeth with my gum and floss; work from anywhere with my cell phone, notebook and calculator; be entertained with my Itouch, buy just about anything with the gift cards if I run out of the cash in my change purse; fix any clothing issues with my safety pins; be ready day or night with my makeup stash; add flavor to any drink; sanitize just about anything at any given time; and even take medicine when this 10 lb purse gives me a back ache.  Is this why I carry all of this stuff? Hell no!  I clean my purse every once in a while (like now) and take out a lot of stuff.  Then, soon, more stuff just finds its way back in. I truly have no control over it.  It is like a giant blackhole.  And these "sections" make it worse because it is deceiving if you only look at it section by section.  That's right - it is not MY fault, it is my purse's fault. Obviously.

Yes, I have a problem.  Do they have a purseaholic anonymous?If so, I may need to attend because I have been eyeing an even bigger purse at Target.*

*I really love designer expensive purses, especially Coach, but I have limited myself to cheaper purses because I grow tired of the styles so quickly and because B said if another Coach purse comes in, one has to leave. Are you kidding me? Who sells their Coach purses? That is almost as dumb as his "one pair in, one pair out" shoes rule.  Please.  That's just crazy talk!