In My Dreams, I'm Still Insane

Remember last summer when I said my dreams would make a great plot to a movie? Yep, nothing much has changed on that front.  I have kept track of a few of my favorite dreams since then and, well, I will let them speak for themselves.  I will say that I did not change or embellish anything*. These are exactly as I dreamt them, although not all at once. I am not THAT crazy!

I am in an old grocery store that is now a restaurant, but yet still a grocery store. I look over and notice two very large lions lazily lying around outside the front doors.  Suddenly I realize that the lions know how to open the automatic doors and I bolt through the store with them chasing me. As I scream for help I realize that the workers are out back in the alley on a smoke break. I bust through the door yelling "the lions are chasing me." They laugh until I point at the lions. Knowing that the lions can also open doors with knobs, I run down the alley until I find a small indent in the wall and press myself into it. They never find me.

I am being chased. Again. I end up in a bowling alley. I then end up on a beach where there are tons of bugs and fire ants. Jersey is trying to bite them to keep them away from me. I am trying to shoo them with my feet so she doesn't get bit in the mouth. They bite me on my ass.  Right after the sting, I realize that I think there is a tooth in my gum. I pull it out of my mouth and sure enough there is a part of a tooth. I later tell B that I lost part of a tooth and when he asks to see, it turns out I lost three teeth, all in the front!  I vow never to chew gum again.  Especially if it is mint green.

Next, it is the day of my trial. We are holding it at a dining room table in the office.  My paralegal keeps talking so I tell her to leave. Next my secretary is there to take notes, but she keeps making calls on her cell phone so I tell her to leave.  Meanwhile, we have a break and I leave to use the bathroom and get lost in a sea of buildings and floors trying to find my way back and panicking with every step.  Finally, the judge's clerk finds me and assures me that is okay. However, once I arrive I realize I do not have my file or even one piece of paper that I need for the trial.  I tell the court. The usually mean judge comes in laughing and asks why I didn't notice when I left that morning that I wasn't carrying anything. I have no answer for her.  Then she asks why I didn't think about it when I was reviewing my file last night. I don't bother to tell her that I didnt review it all because I had planned on "winging it."

We then go back to my office to actually review my file and there are these large black flying bugs around. I start screaming and decide we need to leave before they get me.  On our way out, my boss who has inexplicably turned into my uncle assures us that it is okay, that the bugs are harmless. When I tell him that one landed on my head and was stinging me, he tells me I am wrong. The bugs simply need to poop somewhere.

I am called into my office manager's office and told that my outfit is not work appropriate and I will need a whole new wardrobe. I am wearing a skirt, heels, a blouse and a blazer. I sarcastically say "do I get a wardrobe stipend?" and am told in fact I have $1500 and don't worry because the shop will call to appropriately dress me.

I am on my way to work heading up a staircase with apparently every single person in my office building. I am also carrying a child. I run into my former boss and we exchange pleasantries although I really hate her. I then run into my current boss who is wearing a bright yellow ruffled sleevless shirt which makes me think he looks like a clown. He tells me that people think we are "too close." I am tell him that is because we are close, we live near each other. I then realize he is the actor that plays the detective on Dexter.  I still have the baby.  After folding up my bicycle, I realize I have to be somewhere that babies aren't allowed. I find my former boss in her office working on her laptop on her bed and ask her to watch the baby. She says okay halfheartedly and tosses the baby to the side. I scream "Well EXCUSE ME but you are the only one that knows how to care for a baby around here."

On my way out, I drive my car straight into a hotel pool. Luckily it was in the shallow end and I could escape.

Later, I fall in love with the actor that plays Mark Zuckerberg in the Facebook movie. My other boyfriend didn't like that I was in love with two men at once so he made me break up with him. But as actor/Mark guy crossed the street after I dumped him, I could not bear to lose him and chased him down. We then discussed plots to TV shows.

I am at a trial, but again I dont have materials. Turns out I am not trying the case, but I am a witness. Then it turns out I am the defendant. I am accused of hitting a guy with a hamburger. The defense counsel, including Don Draper of Mad Men, tells me that I should tell the jury how much I love hamburgers. I think this is a terrible defense because there was a whole shelf of things I could have hit him with so if I loved hamburgers, naturally I would choose the hamburger. My attorney said "no, you would never waste a good hamburger by throwing it at someone." Good point.

I rest my case.  But not my dreams.

Is it any wonder that I look like this on some nights?

*I started writing this in July of 2010. Upon reading it today, even I think these dreams sound fictional. However, I know they are not as I never lie to myself.**

**That I know of.