Thursday, January 12, 2006

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

We buried my friend today. Well, actually she went into a mausoleum. Is there any difference though, other than the lack of dirt?

The funeral was so hard. It actually hurts to think about it. But I know I will continue to think about it because the hurt will keep the memory alive. It was hard to watch them close the casket for the final time. It was hard listening to the priest tell the story of Jesus and the stations of the cross and how Jesus stumbled because he was human. Knowing that Amy stumbled to the end just made me cry. We all hugged each other so hard during the giving of the peace. My parents were crying, I am sure thinking it could easily be them in Amy's parents' situation. And C asking me not to leave her.

Amy left us. Then we left her.

This was the hardest day. I didn't want to decide what to wear to my friend's funeral. I never did send flowers. I couldn't even begin to decide what kind to get. How does one pick those things out? I told C as we pulled into the church that I didn't want to see the hearse, I didn't want a flag on our car, I didn't want to go to my friend's funeral. But I did go. I will never be the same. The utter pain and sadness I felt following her casket out of the church is indescribable.

The priest told a story about Amy's father seeing a rainbow over the church that morning even though there had not been any rain. He said it was a sign that Amy made it into heaven. Amy sent me her own sign. It came in a dream and in typical Amy fashion she said "Don't worry -- I just swallowed some of my own pills." So matter of fact. So Amy. Our last conversation. And again, I didn't get the chance to say anything. Just like in November. Somehow that dream made me feel better.

In keeping with the strangeness of the viewing, at the funeral Amy's aunt kicked someone out of the church! "Denise" said she was Amy's friend too and her aunt said "no you aren't, you never were." No idea what that was about, but very dramatic.

After the funeral, we opted to skip the family luncheon and go off on our own. We had an enjoyable and mostly happy lunch at Cracker Barrel. I think it was a beautiful bittersweet ending to a terrible, terrible day. Later that night my cousin called to tell me she is pregnant.

Amy sent me another sign. The pregnancy is my rainbow.

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