And to Think, I Was Just Singing a Song...

B just called to share the following story of a crazy car accident he witnessed. Luckily, this time he was not involved. Tell me this does not sound like it came straight out of a movie. In B's words:

I was stopped at an intersection two cars back when all of a sudden two cars crashed horrifically in the intersection. They must have hit full force because the one car went up the sidewalk, nearly hit a guy, hit the traffic signal box, which then almost fell on that same guy who was running away and finally crashed into the paint store. A woman with a bloody head jumps out of the car and screams "MY BABY, MY BABY. MY BABY NEEDS TO GET TO A HOSPITAL." Meanwhile, the other car, having hitting a third car which took off, is still spinning around in the intersection. Well technically it is driving itself in a circle because the driver of the vehicle has fallen out the door.

So I run over to where the lady is screaming about her baby worried that I am going to find a dead infant because I can see that both airbags are blown, but when I look in the car I see a 25 year old guy! I thought "that's no baby" at which point she screamed "MY BABY'S BEEN SHOT!!" Apparently she was on the way to the hospital with her shot son when this occurred.

Meanwhile, the other car is still driving in circles with two cars chasing it because there is a child (a real child) in that car as well. The two guys, however, are trying to run around the car and open the door to the car to get the kid out while the car is still moving. I realize that someone needs to stop the car.

I STOPPED THE CAR! Can you believe I ran over there and got in the car and stopped it? All while calling 911. Of course, it almost ran me over because fluids were leaking out of it and I was slipping. At one point I thought "I am going to get run over by this car, won't that be ironic," but I was able to get in and stop the car. I look back at the kid and he looks at me like "huh." Totally calm.

By this time, the cops have arrived. The guy who was shot couldn't tell them where the shooting occurred and they just put them in their car to take him to the hospital. Then his mother starts yelling YOU ARE GOING THE WRONG WAY because she wanted them to take him to a specific hospital. They elected to go to the nearest one.

As the cops sorted it out, I talked to the guy who had been on the sidewalk and told him I was watching him and worried about him the whole time because I saw the lady almost hit him and then saw the traffic light almost fall on him. He then said to me "I know. I was just standing there singing a song when a car came rushing right at me..."

~~~

When B told me he had a crazy story, I don't think I quite pictured that. I am oh so very relieved he was not involved and that no one was seriously injured. I am also very proud that he was able to stop the unmanned vehicle with child in it. There is definitely more than one hero in my family.

Note: B has requested that I describe him as a "man of action".

There you go.

And the House Springs Alive...

I know that I have told you about the windows in our house before and how they are crazy to maneuver and how we almost couldn't shut one in the dead of winter when we were looking at the house, but I don't think I have ever posted about what they look like open. Frankly, it is probably because up until last weekend it has been consistently 30 or zero in these parts. There was no opening of the windows.

Anyway, as you can see, the windows actually open out, kind of like crank windows without the cranking. Even though I have seem them open numerous times, I always think it makes the house look like a person or a bug or something. It is just a bit crazy to see those windows sticking out like that. See for yourself:

And some closer shots:

The upside of these windows all over the house is that we get quite the breeze which is nice as we have no air conditioning. On the summer days without breeze, I guess we will just swelter or sleep in the basement or something.

The downside of the breeze? Well the windiness of it all - things fly all over, sometimes even my hair. We also did not realize how many doors we would need to prop open and how we do not own even one door stop.

So, instead of door stops, we are currently using:

• A scrunched up rug that needs to be dry cleaned
• An iron
• My new scanner (still in box)
• One of those lighter things to light candles
• A wooden log from the fireplace

I guess I need to head to Bed, Bath and Beyond.

Maybe tomorrow.*

*This is a shout out to B who claims that I "put off everything until tomorrow." Yep, I do.

Strawberries and Freeways Don't Mix

B and I were driving home after having dinner with my family the other night. Well, I was driving home and B was supposed to be giving me directions. Yes, I have lived in this city all my life and yes I drove TO the restaurant, but clearly he should have been paying closer attention. You see, while I was driving I decided to flap/blow my lips kind of like you do when giving someone a strawberry on their belly, but minus the whole other person and belly part. Then I decided that was funny:

Me: That was funny.

B: What?

Me: When I blow my lips like that I can see them flapping up.

B: That is weird.

Me: And my glasses shake.

B: Which probably makes your vision shake.

Me: It does!

[flapping lips again]

B: WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

Me: What do you mean? I am driving.

B: You are getting on the wrong freeway.

Me: Where am I supposed to be?

B: OVER THERE [pointing]

Me: Too late now I guess.

B: Oh great. You are so busy FLAPPING YOUR LIPS we are now going in the completely wrong direction.

Me: You should have told me.

B: I DID tell you.

Me: Um, yeah, after I was already on the wrong freeway.

B: Maybe you would have known if you weren't busy FLAPPING YOUR LIPS! Seriously, WHO DOES THAT??

So we end up going quite a way out of our way to get back home. Half way through I start laughing hysterically remembering B saying "if you weren't so busy flapping your lips" as it was hilarious and meant quite literally in this case.

It then took me a good 10 minutes to stop laughing and explain to B what I found "so damn funny." With tears in my eyes, I tell him. His response?

"REALLY, who DOES that?"

And I started laughing all over again.

We're Swingers!

We got the porch swing!! If you remember, one of the things I loved about our house when we were thinking about purchasing it was the swing on the back porch. B and I sat there and contemplated buying the house and it gave me the best memory. Of course, the former owners took the porch swing with them when they left. I would like to begrudge them, but I know I probably would have done the same. Especially since I think theirs may have been hand made. Ours is from Lowe's. I promise to love it just the same.

Check out the 5 foot beauty:

Yes, the concrete on our back porch is ugly as hell. One day we will remedy that.

So after telling me that it was MY job to get the porch swing and that I should do it the next day, B drove us straight to Lowe's after dinner. In the middle of a rainstorm. With hail. Because you know that is the perfect time to buy a swing.

However, B was the perfect gentlemen and dropped me off under a canopy. At the opposite end of the story. After walking about a mile, I caught up with him and the swing hunt was on. We also looked at grills, but that is a purchase for a different day. By the time we got home it was dark. Later, as I was about to fall asleep in my chair, B called me down to show me that he had put the swing together and hung it - in the dark. Here is proof of his efforts as he adjusted it:

And here it is in all of its fine glory:

And this is what crooked blinds neighbor guy will see when I sit there in the swing in the mornings eating breakfast and pondering why he won't just FIX HIS BLINDS!

I cannot wait for summertime on the porch. Now, if only I had a laptop...

Marching to the Beat of My Own Head

The other morning suddenly I heard a big band start playing yet when I opened the window to find the source, it was quiet. I thought nothing of it. I then proceeded to walk downstairs and to my car all the while hearing nothing. However, in the moment right before my car door shut I heard it again. Quickly rolling down my window, I again found silence. By now I was thinking that I was a character on Ally McBeal and maybe big band was my theme song.

Later I shared this news with B:

Me: I think my life is a bad episode of Ally McBeal.

B: why do you say that?

Me: I keep hearing theme music.

B: Huh?

Me: I hear big band music and then it stops. I am trying to figure out what it means.

B: huh?

Me: like in the morning on the way to my car...but when I open the window, I can't hear it...

B: You know there is a nearby high school and it is probably their band practicing.

Me: So early in the morning?

B: Yes. That is when high schoolers practice.

Me: Huh.

Me: DAMN I wanted to be Ally McBeal!

Birthday Wishes, Dishes and Crashes

As you might have guessed, the other day was my birthday. Monday to be exact. The day did not really start off that great as I woke up feeling horrible due to an undisclosed* condition and ended up leaving work just a couple hours in to come home and sleep.

And B crashed his car and totaled it.

Sounds horrible, right? Yet it was a terrific birthday. Here are some of the better moments:

• After my nap/sleep, I felt well enough to go for birthday dinner. Mongolian BBQ makes everything okay including insane stomach aches
• B bought me the scanner I coveted so that I can scan old pictures and stuff and maybe even put them on the blog. He unceremoniously, but excitedly, handed me the unwrapped scanner after attempting to give it to me weeks earlier. His words "did you ever think you would get a gift like this?" Yes, as it is exactly what I asked for and you ordered it directly from the link I sent you, I kinda thought I would. And I love it and cannot wait to start scanning! Sounds like a weekend project...
• B also gave me a card from him and the cats which was perfect as it talked about how the cats just wanted me to feed them. You have no idea what I have been putting up with lately with those cats. That's for another post entirely.
• B managed to sell his totaled car and get his insurance refunded, all during the time I napped/slept. Talk about being proactive.
• My secretary got me some amazing cucumber melon hand soap from Bath and Body Works. She has now been elevated to my MOST FAVORITE SECRETARY EVER. Yes, I am easily bought.

And finally, two stories that amuse me.

First, B has tried to blame everyone but himself for his accident:

1. When first informing me of his accident he told me he was on his way home from the gym. However, when he handed me my birthday card, he stated "I got into the accident because I had to get you THIS." Huh. Waiting until the last minute didn't quite work out did it?
2. B then announced that the card was "really from the cats." Apparently, those cats cannot be bothered to buy things in advance either and are also responsible for the accident.
3. Later, when we were discussing the accumulation of empty cans that are taking over our kitchen, B indicated he needed to find a place to return them as our local grocery store does not have an automated bin, announcing "That's what I was doing...I was on my way to return cans when the accident happened."

That was one busy boy. No wonder he crashed. Yes, it does seem like he crashes often. Somehow he says this is my fault. Note: I am never there.

Now, as I was leaving work early due to my overwhelming need to lie in bed and pretend I did not have a stomach, I told B I would come pick him up as he was not sure if his car was drivable. As I had almost reached my destination, B called to say never mind he was going to drive the car home. Apparently the tire place said it would cost $1,000 to fix the tire. Yep...time to pack it up. I asked B if he was sure he did not want me to follow him home and he said he was sure.

Just then I passed B's car. Yeah, the tire was sticking outward. He would be driving on the outer edge of the SPARE tire. You know? One of those minis? All I could imagine is my crawling in bed just to get a phone call that the tire did not make it. So I followed him home. Much to my amazement and somewhat disappointment, the tire made it all the way home. Not that I wanted anything bad to happen, I just expected it to happen.

I mean, look at it! Wouldn't you expect something bad to happen?

Well, maybe it doesn't look THAT bad. How about a close up?

Yep, doesn't look straight at all does it? Poor little car.

So, in spite of the insanity of the day and the poor start, I had a terrific birthday full of hugs, laughter, love and presents.

Sadly, B's car cannot say the same.

*To be disclosed in a future post.

**No one was hurt in B's accident which is the most important thing of all.

***Thank you for a great birthday B!! Sorry about your car.

And Now a Word From My Sponsor...

No, not my AAA sponsor silly. My life sponsor a/k/a my Mom. Here is an email that she sent to me three years ago for my "special" day. Enjoy!

HAPPY DAY BEFORE YOUR BIRTHDAY!!

Many, Many, Many years ago on this day, I had gone to the beauty shop (used to be able to afford it, before I had kids ) and then went to the bathroom .... I knew then that my oven was done baking, but at least my hair would look good. Well, let me tell you....when you decided to break open the shell, my hairdo was the last thing on my mind. It had been in a updo, you know, ratted and lots of bobbie pins, well the pins went flying and I was a big tangled mess. I am sure I looked like someone on LSD that had put her finger in a socket.

And the hours kept going by and you kept trying to hatch. Believe me - that is when you decide you will NEVER have SEX again...No..No..No!

And did you know that minutes are really hours? Yup, it's true ! And to top it off , the damn hospital room had a big round clock on the wall in FRONT of me ....Believe me, the old saying "Time flies by" is sooo not TRUE when you are in labor ..No..No..No..

And of course the Man you love is by your side...but He has a damn radio stuck to his ear listening to a Tiger Baseball Game. I mean - gee, sorry it's taking so long and you can't watch it on T.V...That's when you REALLY decide that you will NEVER have sex again, well...at least not with HIM!

And then...out pops a beautiful little person, screaming and crying like I had a lot of nerve bothering her.

And then they clean her up and calm her down and bring her over to you and you hold her and a feeling of Love you can't describe comes over you.

And then in a little while, you think...Oh My God, I'm a Mother! I don't know how to be a Mother! What am I going to do, I have to take care of her for the rest of my life, what if I am a bad Mother, blah, blah, blah........... and then you really want YOUR Mother, cause SHE knows what she's doing.

But in the end, you figure it out, good days, bad days, mistakes, etc. And in the end you figure out you must have done some things right, cause you sure have one terrific Daughter who you are so proud of, you could burst.

And I thank God everyday for you, any pain would have been worth it.

(although...some of your teen years were another pain in the Dupa )

But I am so blessed, I have a wonderful Daughter (and a wonderful son) ...what more could I ask out of life, I have it all....

I love ya Punkin

Mom

( I won't spoil this beautiful letter by telling you that your Dear Dad is still a Butthead. He took me to Walgreens, need I say more?)

*my favorite part is a toss between my Dad listening to the game while my Mom was in labor and that very last line. Love ya Mom! xoxo

Stairway to Heaven

The walls are painted. The carpet is in. I am in heaven. The stairs are so much more quieter. No longer do I have to listen to what amounted to an elephant coming up the stairs everytime Chester walked up. He may be a fat cat, but the amount of noise was just ridiculous. It also feels so good to have plush carpet under my feet. The hardwood floors look stunning but I still like the feel of carpet. Maybe I will convince B to at least add it to our bedroom for those cold winter nights.

Painting:

B painted. We went with the dark paint.

Then the workers came to install the carpet on the basement and hall stairs:

The finished product upstairs:

How about some Befores and Afters:

BEFORE UPSTAIRS

AFTER

BEFORE STAIRCASE

AFTER STAIRCASE

BEFORE BASEMENT STAIRS

AFTER

And the landing:

Finally, Chester demanded to be in the picture. He thinks the new hallway is good for his coloring. I tend to agree.

One Step Forward...Thirty Years Back

Remember the double secret blind date guy who had quite the double blind date? Well, he started dating someone new, someone older, someone closer to his age. This is a big thing for him as he typically dates children. However, despite dating someone older and presumably more mature, he still has stories:

DSBDG: So, you know I have been dating that OLD woman.

Me: She is younger than you, right?

DSBDG: Yeah, but she is still an OLD woman. She is in her 50s or something.

Me: But you are still older than her, right?

DSBDG: Whatever. Anyway, we were out the other night and she told me that she wanted me to meet her friend because she thought I would like her.

Me: Wait. Are you still dating this woman?

DSBDG: Yes.

Me: Okay, so she just wants to introduce you to her friends?

DSBDG: Well, kinda, but not really. She said she thought I would like her friend because she was my type and sexy.

Me: Wait. What? Huh?

DSBDG: Yeah, she thought we would hit it off.

Me: Like a threesome?

DSBDG: Unfortunately, no. I think just more of a side thing.

Me: She wants to SHARE you??

DSBDG: I guess.

Me: Um, okay. Since when did you get all Big Love and...ew GROSS.

DSBDG: No Big Love. We aren't getting married.

Me: Whatever makes you happy DSBDG.

DSBDG: Oh, I am happy.

DSBDG: Funny thing though. Last time I dated women whose collective age was 100, I was dating 6 at the same time.

Me: Um, you might want to check your math.

DSBDG: [silence]

Me: 100 divided by 6...

DSBDG: Oh. Yeah. Right.

Lock your children up. At least the female ones.

Wonder Twin Powers...Activate!

The other day I had a medical test performed that involved being injected with radioactive materials. The whole testing procedure is better left for another post. Rather, let me tell you what happens when your spouse finds out that you may be radioactive:

B: I didn't know you had radioactive materials still inside you! Why did you let me KISS you?

Me: Don't you want my radioactivity? Then you can be a superhero too.

B: I would like your superhero abilities.

Me: Well, I am not sure what they are unless they consist of being able to sleep for a REALLY long time, because I have that ability down.

B: Hmmmm...just so you know, I plan on using MY superhero powers for evil.

Me: Really? 'Cause I plan on using mine for good so how is that going to work if we are arch nemesis*?

B: [silent]

Me: That may be the end of our marriage.

*Does anyone know the plural for this word? When I say it, I say arch nemesisesis which clearly isn't right. Is there even a plural? Can you have more than one arch nemesis? Are the others just rivals? I am SO not superhero material.

You Can Please Some of the People...Never!

Nothing like going out with the family to hear some harsh criticism of your blog:

Bro - doesn't like posts with a lot of words, didn't understand the post about the Googlers (thought the google searches were riddles I made up because yes, if I attempted a riddle it would totally be "riddle about two boxes three boxes two boxes"), doesn't like posts about cats (mind you I haven't posted about the cats since October except an occasional reference or Chester sticking his head in B's picture).*

Dad - doesn't like renovation pictures and I quote "BEFORE and AFTER - BORING"**

B - thinks it should be all pictures and few words and captions with the pictures, then added it should be all about him***

So according to these "fans" who think they make up 1/3 of my readership (they do not), from now on my posts will have to consist of:

Lots of pictures but no words

No pictures of cats

No pictures of renovations

All about B

But no pictures of B

Sorry, fingers, if this crew had it their way, I could only post more pictures of my pantry apparently. Good thing I don't listen to them.

And to end, I leave you with this scenario that played out at Easter dinner in public shortly after the above criticisms. Right in the middle of a story, my father says:

"And the sign said ACME Dildo Shop - big or small you can have them all, custom fitted"

...just as the waitress was pouring our coffee.

And Jesus wept.

*Bro admits to having not read my blog in quite some time. That is obvious.

**Dad NEVER reads my blog but just happened to read it on Easter because my Mom left it up on the computer purposely.

***B only reads blogs about Jon and Kate Plus Eight. That, alone, disqualifies him from all opinions.

Just out of spite, here is a picture of the cats in one of their rare loving brotherly moments. At least they are not making out which they also tend to do.

Happy Easter from the Cookie Monster

The Easter Bunny did not stop at the new house, sadly. However, I am sure that is because she was tired from the birthday scavenger hunt and anniversary celebrations to even begin to think about being creative. There is only so much creativity one bunny can handle.

But, if it Easter you want, it is Easter you will get as I will gladly refer you over to my sister-in-law's blog to get your Easter fill:

Do you want to see a baby tortured by a scary Easter bunny? Go here.

Do you want to see the same baby have no qualms about posing with a real bunny? Go here.

Do you want to see pictures from an Easter egg hunt we had last week? Go here.

Do you want to see a grown man imitating the Easter bunny? Go here.

And if you want to know what I am doing - just take a look at what I plan on ingesting today:

YUM to the Robin Eggs!!

And of course these delightful Girl Scout Cookies that I have been saving for the long 40 days of Lent.

Lent is over bitches...err...bunnies... and I have score to settle with all candy and cookies. Me and my stomach ache will see you tomorrow!

Happy Easter!

Do You Want a Peep Show?

So, maybe the title is a bit misleading. This is really a peek show - a sneak peek to be exact. We have been cooking up some things for the upstairs hallway and thought you might want to take a look. These things, of course, include paint and carpet. Not all that exciting, but in this house we have found the little things make all the difference in the world.

First we debated paint with two different colors:

I leaned toward the dark paint to give it a different look, especially with the white doors:

B leaned toward the lighter color, thinking the darker color might be too much in the hallway.

Then we got a bunch of carpet samples. These include samples for the basement stairs and landing which we have also decided to carpet because of all the traffic the area receives. And maybe the fact that in the winter when it gets wet from the snow and slush outside, you can totally wipe out and fall down the stairs. Not that something like that happened to me. However, it was quite precarious there for a while trying to carry all of the moving boxes down without killing myself. I voted yes to carpeting those stairs.

You know what I kept thinking when looking at all of those carpet sample squares? That they would make great rugs for Barbies.

The Little Engine That Signaled Spring

As I was sitting here reading other people's blog posts yesterday, I heard what I assumed was a motorcycle that had fallen deathly ill driving, or attempting to drive, down our street. I turned to watch it out the window behind my desk (how handy is that? I can spy without moving). I watched it cross the intersection after making the required stop at the stop sign and then it sort of puttered out once it tried to go further down the street. The driver, perhaps realizing he was getting nowhere slowly, turned around to go back the way he came. However, once he stopped at the stop sign again, his attempts to move forward only resulted in the engine shutting off in the middle of the intersection thereby forcing him to roll the bike backwards so as to not be killed by passing cars.

As I watched him attempt to start this "motorcycle" up numerous times, I was reminded of Grease 2 and Max Caulfield's attempts to learn to ride a motorcycle in order to impress Michelle Pfeiffer. The guy outside my window even had the same helmet.

As I started to hum "Cool Rider," the motorcycle started up (although with no roar), and the guy proceeded to putter with a little more speed down my street.

Spring is coming people. Even if it is just puttering in.

Real live flowers outside my front door. A pleasant surprise gift from the previous homeowners.

Unlike the missing window in our foyer door.

Or taking the back porch swing with them when they moved.

How About a Nap to Go with that Question?

When asked "What are you working on this weekend?" by your boss, is the answer "Catching up on my sleep" acceptable?

Because I seriously need some sleep.

Who's A Hoarding?

B accuses me of hoarding all of the time, but this is where it comes in handy. See that picture? It has 10 boxes of cereal, and three boxes of oatmeal in it. I went a little wild during a cereal sale and brought all of that home. Lucky for us, we have these shelves in the basement since the tiny pantry in the kitchen will only hold about two boxes.

B laughed at all of my cereal and scoffed when I said we eat a lot.

That picture was taken on March 22nd. It is April 2nd.

We only have four boxes of cereal and one box of oatmeal left. That does not count the three boxes of cereal and two boxes of oatmeal we ate from the pantry.

Who's laughing now? Heck, in another week I will need to buy more cereal.

Maybe someone around here *ahem* needs to start cooking more meals.

B?

I Just Got Out of the Hospital, Of Course I Want Some Beer

Last night I decided to make tacos. This time, however, instead of calling B and asking him to pick up all of the ingredients, I took the time to go to the store myself. Passing up the first grocery store that I deemed to have crazy people based on who I saw going in and out, I settled on the grocery store near our house. Yep, no crazy people there.

After getting duped into putting two quarters into the parking meter (it said 50 cents for an hour which sounded like a deal - too bad I was only there for 15 minutes), I went into the store and quickly got the meat and the cheese and headed to the express line. You know it is never express.

As I put my stuff on the conveyor belt, I notice that the guy in front of me seems to be wearing a hospital bracelet. You know those plastic things they slap on you as soon as you are admitted and that B rips off the moment we are past those sliding doors? [Side note - I can never get those damn things off without scissors. B must have brute strength.] So, I take a closer look at the guy's arm and clearly see the name of a hospital. Then I look at his items - a six pack of beer, a steak and a pot roast. That man is on a mission. Not sure what he was in the hospital for, but if it has anything to do with his diet, he is headed right back in.

After my observation, the guy turned to me and made nice comments about my reusable grocery bag and just like that I forgave him for his craziness. I am easy like that. Compliments go a long way. Instead I focused on the reason that we were still waiting in line - the lady in front of us. She had the cashier weighing her cookies. Her cookies that came in a prepackaged bag like Famous Amos or something. It said 14 oz on the bag but she did not believe it. And do you think our cashier knew how to weigh something? No. And do you think our cashier was going to cater to this woman's every whim? Yes. One manager later and the lady was told that, indeed, the cookies weighed 14 oz. She harrumphed (is that a word?), grumbled something about 93 cents per ounce (there was no way she was paying $13.00 for those cookies) and bought the cookies anyhow. Way to make a stand.

Meanwhile hospital guy is looking at me like "can you believe this lady?" I give him the look that says "no, I CANNOT and I THOUGHT THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE EXPRESS LINE!" We have a moment.

Until a moment later when his things have been totaled and he then decides to pull out his checkbook. And then ask three times how much it cost. Then lament about the fact that he is spending $22.11 (yes I memorized it) on beer and beef. Then ask again how much it was. Then ask what the date is. Then VERY slowly tell the cashier that he is making the check for $20.00 over to get the cash back. Now I cannot even look at him because I know my face will scream "I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS - I THOUGHT THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE EXPRESS LINE AND WHY WEREN'T YOU FILLING OUT THAT CHECK WHILE WE ARE WAITING ON THE COOKIE LADY." So instead I make a blank face.

And a manager comes over because the cashier does not know how to deal with the check. Then the man decides he wants a paper bag for his stuff that is already in plastic bags "To save the environment," he says while looking over at me.

We do not have a moment.

I am easy, but not that easy.