Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Man up and get a briefcase!
*I don't know if there is any such place called Pets R Us, but there probably is somewhere.
**I totally chose this cartoon of a businessman with a jetpack so that B would read this and say "SEE! We all should be wearing jet packs by NOW" and then stew about it for a few minutes.
Monday, September 28, 2009
*No one stopped by to say anything about our display. Boo to all of them.
**However, B did manage to scare the crap out of two teenage girls that were taking a picture of the pumpkins by yelling from my office "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
***B then managed to become creepy old guy by then saying to said teenage girls "There are more pumpkins in the garage."**** Uh, huh.
****In B's defense, there are more pumpkins in the garage and the door was open.
*****The girls, however, did not know this.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
That was the title of the text message B sent me yesterday. I opened it to find these:
Remember when he told me he was growing a giant pumpkin? Little did I know he was growing 17 of them, give or take a few. When I got the message I told him I had a difficult time ascertaining their sizes, so he sent this one as a gauge:
Yes, there are some of those giant pumpkins just sitting in my backyard.
*I still cannot spell that word. @#%^@#&@
Monday, September 21, 2009
Remember when I told you that my Mom and I had found a new place for Saturday breakfasts? Well, actually it is my brother. I am all about giving people credit, especially when things go wrong. Kudos J!
Anyhow, the last couple of times that we were there, things had been off. My Mom, who is able to make friends with anyone, had suspicions that the place had been bought based on prior conversations with some of the staff. Sure enough, one of our waitresses confirmed it for us. She did not seem happy.
The next time we went in, there was a name change, and our waitresses were no longer there. Instead of being greeted with "I put you in that booth with your coffee", we were greeted with "how many?" It was quite sad.
But with new ownership came a new menu. Big, shiny and bright. We looked over the new menu for no apparent reason since we both get the same thing every.single.time. (Me = ham and cheese omelette, potatoes extra crispy, wheat toast. Mom = ham, cheese and mushroom omelette, potatoes extra crispy, no toast). Reading the menu caused all kinds of hilarity. Mom first noticed something was amiss:
Mom (in a fierce whisper): Look at the top of the menu on the left. What IS that?
Me: Oh, TREE eggs. What the?
Me: I think they are supposed to be FREE eggs as in free range.
Mom: I KNOW, but that is too funny.
We then read the menu more carefully and counted no less than 12 errors. Some were typos, some were just flat out wrong. I have seen menus with errors before, but this was the worst I have ever seen. Below is what we found:
After telling the waitress at least three times that we needed to study the menu after having already placed our order, we were through. We laughed so hard that it was difficult for me to type those words into my phone. I would have taken pictures but that would have been too obvious.
Despite the atrocious menu, we did go back. The waitresses were back. The food seemed good. The prices were the same. However, this weekend my Mom told me we would have to find another place, at least temporarily. Apparently our breakfast place is closed for remodeling.
I cannot wait for the Gran Opeening.
*Spell check LOVED this entry.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Before the reunion, learn your Dad plans on bringing ice cream. To a picnic. In a cooler. Declare that to be overboard and very involved in planning (dry ice, wet ice, ice ice - too much to think about).
1:35: Arrive late. Pretend that you are not late. Shout out "we've arrived" so that people think that you think that you are not late.
1:36: Wonder where the heck all of the people are? Pretend you don't notice half the family is missing.
1:38: Tell them you brought ice cream. Find out that everyone thinks that is a brilliant idea.
1:40: Accept many accolades. Thank them graciously.
1:45: Finally admit it was your Dad's idea. To your Mom who already knew.
1:46: Remember there is no ice cream scoop.
1:47: Tell everyone that the ice cream was your Dad's idea and they will have to eat it with their fingers.
1:48: Text husband. Ask him to bring ice cream scoop.
1:49: Wonder where husband is.
1:50: Wonder where the #@#^@&^ the family is.
1:51: Get distracted by a brownie.
1:52: Assure Mom she is not a jinx since half the family didn't come the one time she decided to make an appearance. Totally coincidental. Totally.
1:54: Hug, kiss, catch up.
3:00: Time to eat.
3:01: Wonder where husband is.
3:02: Declare hubby cannot eat when he shows up since he is nowhere to be found.
3:10: See husband pull in. Glare in his direction.
3:12: See him come in waving an ice cream scoop.
3:13: Whoop loudly and declare him a hero while clapping.
3:14: Family joins in clapping. They don't know why. Hell, they may not even know who husband is or why he is there.
3:15: Eat. And have a brownie.
3:30: Hug, kiss, catch up.
4:00: Watch husband get his ass handed to him by a 4 year old in cow's balls.*
4:10: Listen to the 4 year old brag about it.
4:12: Listen to husband declare they weren't keeping score.
4:30: Watch your father and other adults beat up kids during volleyball.Well okay, there it looked like my brother was getting beat up.
Again, with the waiting around. As you can see, that was action packed.
4:31: Take pictures to be used as evidence later. (See above).
4:33: Video it with your camera. (Do not look for a video on this post. See below).
4:43: Remember you don't know how to transfer video to your computer.
4:44: Say that and other things while videotaping.
4:45: Realize husband is oddly silent. Realize he doesn't want to be heard on the video.
4:46: Get distracted by a brownie.
4:50: Watch ice cream become a hit! Note to self: Buy huge boxes of Dove ice cream bars next time, you will be a hero.
5:00: Watch husband decide to juggle bocci balls.5:01: Caution him about breaking his finger.
5:10: Almost get brained by your husband with a bocci ball.
5:11: Watch it instead hit the metal pole making a bell like sound.
5:12: Watch everyone look at you for a speech.
5:13: Announce "thank you all for coming..."
5:15: Watch everyone realize husband is trying to juggle.
5:16: Watch husband choose smaller balls.
5:21: Listen to them ask why he has his back to them the entire time.
5:22: Assure them it is because you are taking pictures and husband is camera shy.
5:23: Start singing circus music.
5:25: Clap with the family as husband juggles.
5:20: Listen to the family clap to encourage him.
5:30: Watch people leave.
5:35: Play with a volleyball with husband which is more like playing dodge ball, soccer, and football all in one.
5:36: Wonder how many bruises you will wake up to in the morning.
5:40: Watch husband leave.
5:45: Catch up with the remaining family and plan next year's event. Discuss how to coerce, threaten and bribe the rest of the family to attend.
6:45: Arrive home exhausted from too much fresh air and brownies.
Same time next year?**
*I guess it is really called Ladder Golf, but we were playing with children so Cow's Balls sounded so much more appropriate.
**I am talking to YOU family. Yes, you the ones that did not show up. A 4 year old had to play with a...well...not quite 4 year old. How wrong is that? Well, he did win. I guess he's okay with that.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
*Lil' B's name is an homage to the street where he was found.
Friday, September 11, 2009
*If I am going to make up emails from a reader, Virginia is fitting. It worked for Santa Clause after all, right?
**If you type a word, such as Virginia, numerous times, it stops looking like a word and you begin to question whether it is spelled correctly. Then you google it and find out you were right. Then you feel stupid. Again.