I Am Not MIA, More Like ITM

source

I am not missing in action, but in trial mode.  You know what that is like. It happens every couple of months and pretty much consumes all of the real estate in my brain. Right now, I can only think about are medical records, EMGs and EEGs.  I can tell you the finer points of determining whether a juror hates opposing counsel and how to try to keep that juror on the panel, but other than that, I am just a sleepy puddle.

This trial was only supposed to be three days.  However, tomorrow is day three and due to the court's schedule, surprise legal issues and general insanity, I think we will be on day 7 before we see anything really happening.  

So I will be pretty quiet.  Although I do hope to pump out some posts this weekend. I have a lot I want to share with you. I just need to formulate some words that are not in legalese or about medical conditions that everyone has or no one has.

Until then...get some stress free sleep for me please!

Crime Watch Wednesday - Where There's Fire, There's Toast?

source

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday proves the old adage "where there is smoke, there is fire" is totally wrong.

Police reported to the scene of a house fire to discover it was just a person that burned some toast.

I love the simplicity of this one.  The reader is left to wonder who called the police? Why did they call the police and not the fire department? Was there actually smoke or just the smell of something burning?  How did the police determine it was just toast? Did it involve breaking down doors?  I would like to believe it happened like this:

Dispatch: Officers get to 123 Lane Avenue STAT - the place is ON FIRE!

Police: We are not the fire department.

Dispatch: Don't argue with me! It is an EMERGENCY!!

Police: What are we supposed to do when we get there? Shoot the fire?

Dispatch: EMERGENCY!!!

{upon arriving at the scene}

Officer 1: I don't see a fire.

Officer 2: It smells like something is burning.

Officer 1: It smells like breakfast.

Officer 1: Mmmmm...breakfast.

{upon arriving at the front door}

Owner: Can I help you?

Officer 2: Something is burning.

Officer 1: We were told there is a fire.

Officer 2: It smells like something is burning.

Owner: Um, I burnt some toast?

Officer 1: Mmmmm....breakfast

I should totally be a movie writer. Or a sitcom writer.

True story - yesterday I got to the office and saw a huge amount of people milling around the front of the building and around the elevators. Double the amount of people you find standing there when the elevator is broke.  Somehow this only seemed mildly odd to me.  I heard rumblings of "false alarm." Then I ran into our receptionist who informed me the building had just been evacuated minutes before.  Why you ask? 

Someone burnt toast on the fifth floor.

It's an epidemic, people.  Lock up your bread!

Reunited and It Feels and Tastes So Good

B and I weren't the only ones that were happy to have Brad home. Jersey and Brad like to pal around even though it inevitably ends with Brad's head in Jersey's mouth or Jersey chewing on Brad's ear. Until that point, though, it is love.

I submit the following evidence. These pictures were taken after I told Jersey to leave Brad alone and then a few minutes later discovered that she had "trapped" him under my desk:

One of my favorite pics:

And this one:

By now Brad was purring away:

He could feel the love:

And right about here is where it all went downhill:

Until that point, though, it was love. Just like every morning when we wake up and go downstairs, Brad appears in a flash, rubbing against Jersey, wanting to love her, loving their daily reunion.

Speaking of reunions, I had my high school reunion this weekend. I won't even tell you what year. Let's just say it wasn't a single digit. The closer it got, the more I contemplated not going. After all, I knew most of what was going on in everyone's lives via Facebook and the people that I hung out with weren't going to be there. But B said it would be good for me to be social. Please. What does he know? 

What can I say about reunions? Some people grow up and a very large group never change. Some people still feel rejected despite the fact that they are a fully functioning adult, other people just don't care. The best part by far was watching a group of grown ass women shaking it to old school rap like Too Live Crew. As I said to B, "can you imagine if a current sophomore from my school wandered into this room right now?  That girl would say 'what is with all of these old chicks'?"

The other best part? The food. We love food. There was a strolling dinner featuring an Asian fusion station that was fantastic. I think that is all I ate. I also tried the Caprice salad station but it is a little hard to fashion a salad like that on a plate. It just looks like you are eating a piece of cheese on a tomato with random olives. Or so says B.

Can you believe that the planning committee is already talking about the next reunion 5 years from now? Ugh. One girl at the party remarked "it seems like we should be old but I don't feel old" to which I responded "that's what old people say."

I wonder if I will even get an invite.

Knock, Knock: Housekeeping!

Just a brief message to clue you into some changes on the blog. Nothing major by any means, just a few additions.

As I told you previously, I have been writing review's for Daemon's TV.  When I first started, I would do the breakthrough posts to let you know that a new review was posted.  After a few weeks I found that a bit too disruptive.  Also, I started writing more things for Daemon's and wanted to create a special space for those things as well.  

So, pages was born.  I have created pages over <----- there to the left that I update when anything new happens. There is a page for all of my TV reviews, updated weekly with each show.  There is a page for a recent series of articles I am writing about my all time favorite TV shows. There is a page for upcoming fall shows (so excited!). Other pages will be added a needed.

So, if you watch TV as much as I do, go over to the left and see what I am up to and what I think about what I am watching. I would love to hear what you think too!

*I am sure this is not the last format change for the blog. If anyone knows of an excellent blog designer, let me know!

Crime Watch Wenesday - It Probably Isn't Wise to Make Threats on the Phone to Companies that Tape Calls Regularly

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday is proof that it is probably not wise to threaten anyone over the phone.

A man phoned his insurance company and threatened to shoot the employees despite the fact that he did not know who they were and despite the fact that they were actually located in a different state. He was upset about his insurance being cancelled despite the fact that he had stopped paying for it. He threatened to shoot them twice and then followed up with a statement to the effect that they could call the CIA, the FBI or the "asshole in the White House" but he was going to blow someone away.

Whoa, whoa, whoa partner.  You have taken this a bit too far. "Call the CIA"? Like the CIA has a phone number where an insurance company can just dial in and say some lunatic insured is threatening to blow them up. That is not even CIA territory.  

As for the "asshole in the White House," you are going to have to be more specific. You could be talking about anyone from half the Senate, half the Congress or the guy that walks the President's dog. 

Really, though, what is the big deal? You got insurance and then you stopped paying for it and they canceled it. If you want it back PAY FOR IT.  If you don't, go about your business.  Imagine if someone came to your place of business and demanded something without paying for it.  Would you just give it to them if they threatened to shoot you? Or would that be a robbery?  Did you just threaten to rob your insurance company? You know they don't have a giant safe with cash like a bank, right?  That is only in the movies.

Speaking of movies, have you ever seen the movies where the main character's every move is being watched, the government listens in on his phone calls, and inevitably his entire identity is wiped out? I won't go so far to say that your identity will be wiped out dear sir, however, you should note that none of those characters actually threatened anyone. They were just minding their business.

You, on the other hand, have actually threatened people. Over the phone. At an insurance company. Where they routinely tape every call.  I am sure you probably gave them your full name and address too.

Who you gonna call now?

They Know Your Every Step. Especially When You Tell Them Your Every Step. Also, Reindeer Are Super Fast.

So the last time I posted, Brad has escaped but miraculously returned the next morning like a grimy Christmas present.  You will also recall that I had quite the conversation with the delivery place whom we thought were the reason for Brad's Great Escape. Turns out it wasn't so, but in the meantime a strange thing happened. Or so I thought.

After I finished yelling at the operator, she told me that she could tell me which branch delivered my package. I gave her my zip code, she told me what branch and then proceeded to tell me they don't have a phone number. I found this hard to believe but just declared "I WILL JUST GO THERE IN PERSON AND DEMAND TO SPEAK TO MY DRIVER. GOOD DAY!"  

And then I didn't give it anymore thought until I came home, discovered the ripped screen and told B that I didn't think the delivery place had anything to do with it.  I did not tell him, however, that while he was out searching for Brad, the delivery place drove by. He probably would have been angry that I didn't chase the driver down.

The next day after Brad was safe and sound and I was back at the office, I received a text from B indicating that the delivery place had called him and told him that they spoke to the driver who remembers seeing Brad on the catio. B told them not to worry, Brad may have been spooked, got supercat strength and busted out the screen. Not their fault.  Well, not really.

Meanwhile I sat in my office perplexed.  How did the delivery place know to call B? How did they get his number? When I called, I only gave them our zip code. I did not call from B's number. Hell, I didn't even call from my number.  I considered this an amazing show of just HOW GOOD THEIR TRACKING COULD BE. I discussed it a lot with my coworkers and would say things like:

"How did THEY know?"

"Did they just ask EVERY driver if it saw a cat?"

"Did they just narrow down deliveries in that time frame?"

"Did they narrow down deliveries by zip code?"

"Do they have a satellite?"

"Are they watching me RIGHT NOW?"

Yes, I would look up and around the ceiling at that last one.  By the time I got home I was full of conspiracy theories and thought we might have to run like Will Smith in that movie where they were tracking him all over when he mistakenly took a package in a store and the woman behind me in the theater kept gasping at "ALL OF THAT TECHNOLOGY."

So I came home prepared to tell B that we were going to have to pack light and really, how does one go on the lam with three cats and a dog, when B said:

B: What in the hell are you talking about?

Me: The delivery place! They knew to call you! I didn't give them ANY information.  They have satellites. They are watching us.

B; What...what?

Me: HOW DID THEY GET YOUR PHONE NUMBER? HOW DID THEY KNOW TO CALL?

B: I emailed them yesterday.

Me: THEY KNOW EVERYTHING WE DO!!!...wait, what?

B: I. Emailed. Them.

Me: Well, hell, why didn't you tell me that? That makes a lot more sense.

B: Doesn't it?

So the delivery place isn't watching me. Allegedly. They are still suspect. Don't worry though, I am sending Vicky after them.

On a completely different topic, watch the video below. This man's wife literally gets taken by a reindeer and he does NOTHING. He barely moves.

I would like to think if we were in the same situation, B would at least TRY to run after me. However, I may be mistaken. B's response was "reindeer are REALLY fast."  Well, gee thanks. Apparently, I don't have much to worry about though as B assures me I would never be somewhere where I would have to wear a big furry parka, outside in the snow with a reindeer in the vicinity.

He is probably right. Just to be safe, I am going to get one of those kid leashes for us. If the reindeer gets me, he is coming along too. Ha!

A Tribute to the One I Love Who Riddled Me With Anxiety and Almost Gave Me an Ulcer a/k/a Please Don't Do That Again*

Oh, Brad. From the moment you entered our lives, you entered my heart. Then you stole it every time you sat on my lap and looked up at me adoringly.  B was a little slower to give his heart away, but once you started showering him with affection, it was all over.

So when B called me Monday evening at the office raging about how the delivery guy dropped off a package and let you out, I was fearful we would never see you again.

B insisted I track down our delivery driver because he was hopping mad. That conversation proved to be futile and just got me hopping mad:

Lady: How can I help you?

Me: I need to find out who our driver is. He let our cat out and now he is missing!

Lady: I cannot give you that information.

Me: What do you mean you cannot give me that information? How can you not know who delivered our package? Aren't they scanned?

Lady: I do not have that information, but have you checked in your yard for the cat?

Me: No. I haven't. I THOUGHT I COULD JUST CALL YOU AND THE DRIVER COULD COME BACK AND DRIVE ME AROUND TO FIND THE CAT! OF COURSE I CHECKED MY YARD.

Me: Sorry, I am upset.  Maybe the driver could give us an idea of where the cat went.

Lady: I cannot track that.

Me: Really? I find this hard to believe since your business is TRACKING! YOU TRACK PACKAGES BUT DON'T KNOW WHO DELIVERED THEM? IS THIS A JOKE?

It was no joke. You were gone.

B took two bicycle rides and walked Jersey around the neighborhood twice. He saw no less than 20 stray cats. You were not one of them. I kept saying that I thought you would just appear walking all stiff legged toward me like you do.

So I took my laptop on the front porch and waited, but you never came.  B put out food and tuna (when have you ever had tuna?) hoping you would get hungry and come back at some point.  But we were worried about you without any claws. We have heard the street cats fighting.  How would you have a chance? You are too sweet.

B declared you dead.  Chester and Mooch had a meeting on the dining room table and eyed me suspiciously, convinced I had something to do with your disappearance. I couldn't tell if they were happy or not.

We were definitely not happy.

We went to bed sad and worried.  I didn't want to lose my little streetcat and I hoped that you would just miraculously make your way home and back to your favorite places to sleep.

I went to bed with positive thoughts and when B woke me up at 5 am declaring Christmas had come, I welcomed you into my arms and bed despite your crusty fur and dirty looking self.

To me, you were beautiful.

Welcome back home, Brad. Now, DON'T EVER ESCAPE AGAIN!**






*Also know as longest post title ever!
**Turns out that the delivery person did not let Brad out but may have spooked him into jumping out a screen.  B is currently working on the screen. The cats are currently banned from the catio.