The other day I was discussing the new house with a woman at the office. We were discussing mortgages, the renovations, and my commute when she suddenly says "and then you have the baby."
Wait. Stop. What?
I think I actually thought those words in my head. What on earth was she talking about?
Me: We don't have a baby.
Her: I didn't think you did but I saw on your Facebook that you did.
I started racking my brain trying to think when I could have possibly said I had a baby on Facebook when I never had a baby. Nope. Nothing.
Her: Maybe it was someone else commenting on your Facebook. They were talking about how the baby liked the house.
Me: Oh! That was probably my sister-in-law. She talks about her baby in the third person a lot.
Her: Yeah, that is probably right.
Her: I didn't think you had a baby, but then I thought you may have had one from before.
Wait. Stop. What?
From before? Before when? I have been at this office for three years. If I had a baby before it really wouldn't be a baby anymore, right? More like a child or something? Maybe I might have referenced it at least once in the three years I had been there?
I do not have a secret baby.
I do not have a secret child.
Apparently, however, I have a secret personal life because even those that I think know me well know nothing about me.
But I must say I am digging the phrase "and then you have the baby." It sounds like one heck of an awesome excuse:
Boss: I need those documents first thing in the morning.
Me: Well I had plans to go to dinner and drinks. And then I have the baby.
Boss: Good point. Take an extra day!
or
B: What are you doing today? I want you to help paint the kitchen.
Me: Well I had plans to watch Lifetime movies while lying half awake on the couch. And then I have the baby.
B: Good point. I will paint everything.
Think it will work?
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5 important things being said:
are you SURE you dont have a baby?
I have pictures of my neice in my office and people frequently assume she is my daughter. Completely understandable. I have often thought that at my next job, I will pretend she is mine so that I have an excuse to get out of work. My coworkers frequently leave early for school plays, sporting events, ill children, and whatever other child related emergency one could possible conceive of. The kicker is that my boss is totally fine with them leaving at all hours of the day- BECAUSE IT IS FOR THIER CHILDREN!!! I have considered faking a pregnancy but I don't think I could pull it off.
You can borrow my baby for a sec.
You should try saying you have a baby. Why not? Just slowly start mentioning it and in time everyone will forget you never actually took maternity leave.
Matt - now that you mention it...
Jamie - okay, that is a BRILLIANT plan. Too bad you need a new job to put it into place. As for faking pregnancy, you may want to talk to Katie or Nicole. I am still suspicious of them. And from now on I think you should run around and say "BUT WHAT ABOUT ME? HAS ANYONE THOUGHT ABOUT ME??? THINK OF MEEEEEEEEE." It will be very effective. At least, perhaps, in moving you to that new job.
Kacie - you are so kind. I suspect you just want a night of uninterrupted sleep.
Jenny - no way am I going to miss out on maternity leave. I am somehow going to have to slowly introduce the baby and then convince them I need retroactive maternity leave. This may take a while.
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