Friday, November 21, 2008

I Am a Vampire

No, this is not a Twilight related post. In fact, I have yet to read the book despite my love of all things vampire. I know. I am a traitor. But soon I will rectify that situation.

As for this post? It is about my stellar cooking skills of course.  And yet another roast.  Last Family Dinner Day I decided to make a less "slimy" roast for B. Anything to make that boy happy.  I found a 3 envelope pot roast crockpot recipe and set about making it.  The envelopes were Italian dressing, ranch dressing and peppercorn garlic.  That was my first clue this dinner would be wrong.  I chose to ignore that sign.  I kept the ingredients a secret from B because I did not want him to know I was putting anything remotely related to ranch or "dressing" in his food. What he doesn't know won't hurt him, right? Indeed I went to great lengths to hide this, so even when we were at his parents house that day and his mom asked me what I was using I managed to vaguely say "ingredients" of "different kinds."  Sure, I sounded like an idiot and sure, B looked at me like he was catching on, but it was a small price to pay to get a good meal in that boy's belly.

So, B and I did a lot of running that day, looking at more houses.  I wanted to be back by 4 to put the vegetables in, but we didn't make it back until 5.  I open the crockpot to dump the vegetables in when, for some unknown reason, I decide the pot roast must be "flipped over". Why I decided this, I have no clue. I had not done that the previous two times I cooked it. The recipe didn't call for it.  I just decided it was a good idea.  It was not.  The pot roast, after having been cooking for 4 hours was very tender.  It fell apart on my spear thingy* and plopped back down into all the gravy which then splashed up on  my face.

Quickly I realized I COULD HAVE BURNED MY FACE so I madly wiped off my face and checked a mirror.  All was good.  Vegetables in.  Cooking continued. As for me, I decided to shower.  While in the shower this little spot over my lip and the inside of my entire right nostril starts burning like crazy. I try rinsing and washing to no avail.  I am showering and thinking that my face is burning off or something and cursing the time (about five minutes ago) I decided it would be a good idea to flip that roast.  My face was not melting and was not burning off.  Apparently some of the peppercorn garlic spice just got in there really good in the Great Splash of five minutes ago and my skin was not liking it.  That was my second clue that this dinner was going to be wrong.  I chose to ignore that as well.  All was good. Cooking continued.  I passed B in the hall and said "I burned my face with the roast." He scanned me over, decided it did not entail another hospital trip and said "huh" nonchalantly.  He must be used to my mishaps.

Dinner was done and served and we had settled in to watch the last Dexter episode on our current DVD.  I put a piece of roast in my mouth and discovery MY MOUTH WAS ON FIRE.  Those spices were so strong I nearly died.  I started waving my hand in front of my mouth and saying AHHHH.  I actually think I then spit my half chewed meat on to my plate to which B said "gross."   We then had the following exchange:

Me gesturing wildly:  Is this HOT to you?
B: No
Me: Seriously? My mouth is ON FIRE!
Me: I cannot believe you do not find this hot.
B: The potatoes are kind of hot.
Me: Not the meat? Really?
B: I don't know.
Me: Oh, you would know.  MY MOUTH IS ON FIRE

I proceeded to finish the meal with about three glasses of tea and afterward cooled my tongue with some M&Ms.  In my head I declared that I would never be making that meal again.  All was well. We went on with our night.

In the middle of the night, I woke up and realized I could SMELL peppercorn garlic. It was everywhere, coming out of our pores as we slept. So disgusting! I had to turn off the bedroom ceiling fan because I believed it was just circulating that bad smell.  

Moral of the story - (a) peppercorn garlic is NOT good, (b) I may be a vampire, (c) B is immune to strong spices, and (d) I am still not a good cook.

No worries though. My bro gave me some ideas for spices and such for the next pot roast.**  He got to hear this story yesterday "live" as he called it.  

*That's a technical term for the two prong thingy that I pulled out of our knife block.

**Yes, I will not be deterred from making pot roast. It will turn out good and acceptable to both parties one day  and Hi bro! 

6 important things being said:

Ruth said...

I'm still laughing. And I've always found M & M's to be a cooling agent too.

Jennifer said...

This sounds like a true family dinner!

EP said...

Hahahahahaha. I deal with stuff that's too spicy all the time whenever I visit my boy's family in Louisiana. They're started making things less intense for me, but a lot of it is still really spicy.

... I don't think this pot roast makes you a bad cook, though. You've got to try different recipes before you find one you love.

*~Dani~* said...

Mom - B was eating them of course and they sure sounded like something that would cool my tongue.

Jenny - at least in our family.

EP - you are probably right. Tonight's dinner was not a disaster. I am just not a good cook yet :)

Anonymous said...

I feel very badly at your roast mishaps so I'm going to give you unsolicited cooking advice and hope that it does not offend you.
Easy Roast in a crock pot
3-4 pound roast
6 medium potatoes peeled and halved
1 bag baby carrots
3 cans Campbells double rich beef broth
(i'm assuming you have at least a 4 or 5 quart crock pot)
Place potatoes and carrots in bottom of crock pot. Set the roast on top of that. pour in the three cans of beef broth (you don't have to use all three- leave a couple of inches free at the top so it doesn't boil over)
I usually start it up around 8am and serve it anywhere between 630 and 7 that night. You'll know when it is done. you can pop in a chopped onion but I dislike the texture of onions so I omit them from anything that calls for them. Good luck, whatever roast you make.

*~Dani~* said...

HI Anonymous - I welcome advice, especially about cooking. I know you are probably trying to save B from starving to death. Rest assured that I made a roast this week that was not all that bad only to be told he really like the spicy meatloaf that was the subject of this post. Men! I am going to try the one you posted though as it sounds a lot like my favorite one with cream of mushroom soup, but a little less slimy for B. One day I will have to post how picky of an eater he is. Then you can feel bad for me! Thanks for the recipe! I will post when I try it.

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