The Lunch That Was Much Ado About Nothing

The other day three partners and I went out to lunch to celebrate something or be thanked or something. I forget. It has been a long week.  As usual, we went to a hobsnobbing place, although not to hobsnob, but to be congratulated or thanked.  Quite often well known people and local semi-celebrities will frequent the place.  This day was no exception.  As we are sitting there, a partner says "Oh look, Doug Smith just came in."  Doug Smith is a newscaster on a local TV station.  I CANNOT STAND Doug Smith so I snort in disdain or something along those lines and say "don't even get me started about Doug Smith."  The partner that lived through my Amityville tirade says "uh oh," the first partner remains silent as he is used to my tirades, but the third partner is new to our scene and he makes the mistake of asking "Why? What's wrong with Doug Smith?"  Game on.  I unleash with this tirade:

"Well how about for starters that he READS from the teleprompter. I know that they all do it, but he is so OBVIOUS about it. It is not like he is new. We have had to put up with this for years and years.  Why is he always looking down right?  Why Doug Smith? WHY?  This leads me to constantly scream at the TV screen I AM UP HERE - YOO HOO - HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SCREEN.  It totally distracts from my news viewing and I do not understand why he just cannot do it correctly. I just do NOT understand."  

Shaking my head in disgust, I was done.

After a brief discussion about the proper placement of TV teleprompters, we go back to our meal. Some time later, the first partner says "It is getting late, does Doug Smith know he has to be on the air at 5?"  I respond "I am quite sure that he knows when he has to be there as he is there every day.  And, really, what's the rush? It is not like he has to learn his lines or anything."   A few minutes later, not entirely convinced, partner renewed his desire to go over there and tell Doug Smith to get to work.  That just riled me up some more, "No! What you need to do is go over there and tell him that perhaps he should get there EARLY so he has time to READ HIS STORIES so he is not READING the teleprompter."

Nobody said anything. We left, walking by Doug Smith.  As we waited for our car, I told first partner "Wait until I tell B who I saw, he will immediately know my tirade at just the mention of his name."  Later that night when I got home, I said to B "guess who I saw at lunch today - Doug Smith."  B's response? "La...dee...da..."  Um, not quite the response I was expecting so I pressed on:

Me: Well, you know how I feel about Doug Smith, right?

B:  That he reads?

Me: Yes!! [thinking B and I are SO on the same page and love is bliss]

B: Don't you mean Sean Gold? Isn't he the one that reads?

Me: Huh.

B: Remember Doug Smith is the one that sometimes they put all that pancake makeup on and he looks dead on our HDTV, like literally should be in a coffin.

Me: Huh.

B: Yep, that's our only problem with Doug Smith.

Me: ...[thinking I need to take B with me everywhere I go so I can keep my tirades straight]

Me: Well, GREAT...now my outburst today was ALL FOR NOTHING!!

Me: Huh. Oh well.

Do you think I will tell my partners the truth? Probably not. In fact, in all likelihood what will happen is we will all be out again, Doug Smith will arrive and one of them will ask "isn't that the guy who you cannot stand because he reads the teleprompter?" And I will nonchalantly say, "nah - wrong guy" with no further explanation.  

That's how I right my wrongs - nonchalant denial.

*Speaking of Amityville, there is a spider living in my house and stalking me as I type.  I did not kill him even though he charged at me in the bathroom as I figured he was more scared of me than him... blah, blah, blah.  However, when I mentioned our bathroom guest to B, he notified me that the spider had moved to living in our bedroom. That is NOT acceptable.  I do not need to swallow a spider while sleeping. It happens folks.  And guess what?  Since B said that, I cannot find the spider.  Either he and B are in cahoots to play a cruel joke on me or one of us is full of extra protein.