Does the Shrieking Sound Alarm You? It Should.

It was a normal day at the office. I was busy impressing a client with some antiquated legal jargon when I heard the distinct sound of the office fire alarm.  I very calmly said "Client, I will have to call you back. The office is on fire."  

I then picked up my cell phone, my car keys and my purse and walked right out of the office.  You know who did not follow me? Oh, everyone else.  They all insisted it was a false alarm.  No one called to say it was a false alarm.  No one turned off the shrieking sounds.  So I headed out the door.  When questioned at the front door if I was "really" going, I replied:

"I am not burning in this hell hole, bitches. Peace out!"

I am so professional.  

The real question is, did they forget the great fire of March 2011. I sure didn't. One electrical fire, one freezing my ass off in the parking lot while waiting to see if we were ever getting back in was enough.  So what did I do?

Went outside in the rain with an umbrella freezing my ass off while waiting to see if we would ever get back in.

Despite the five police cars and one huge fire engine, it turns out it was a false alarm. Someone allegedly sprayed something at the sensor. What? I don't even know where the sensors are and aren't they only supposed to sense SMOKE? So confusing. I suspect it was the place that employs the hackysackers.  It just has to be.

In other news, an attorney stayed behind because she wanted to finish a brief.  I told her I would put that on her gravestone.  "Will burn for work."

Then I called my client back.


 

Wordless Wednesday: Orange You Glad It Was Just a Storm?

October Roared in Like a Lion and Then Bit Me in the Ass. And It is Cold.

October is almost over with and fall is in the air. Well, actually I would like to call it WINTER.  It is freezing here.  For God's sake, B turned on the furnace! Only by one degree, but whatever. Seriously, the man turned the furnace on by one degree.  One morning as he was leaving for work and puzzling about why half my clothes were off and he was freezing (I get hot when I sleep), he announced "I EVEN turned on the furnace." I was shocked. I was even more shocked when I came home and it didn't seem to be any warmer in the house. So I looked at the thermostat: 62 degrees.  Um, not exactly a heatwave.  So I query:

Me: I thought you turned the furnace on.

B: I did!

Me: But it is cold in here.

B: It is on!

Me: But it says it is only 62 degrees in here.

B: Yes, but it WAS 61.

Me: Um, what?

B: It was 61 in here but it was chilly so I turned it up to 62.

Me: Let me get this straight. You turned on the furnace to heat this place up by one degree.

B: Well, it took the chill off.

Me: You are a rebel.

So now it is slightly warmer, but still dang cold for October around here.  Maybe by November we can turn it up to 65. So wild!

In completely different news, Jersey went for her monthly bath. She came home with a very cute bandanna. The bandanna never lasts long because B takes it off. Not Jersey. B.   Something about it being too girly.  Um, bandannas are SO not girly. And this one was seasonal:

How dang cool does she look? COOL not cute.  She can't be girly.  I would reckon to say she looks like a stud:

You know, if she was a boy and all.  Also, that bandanna makes her look fat.  Look at that neck roll. It is the Sharpei in her, I swear.

What else did October bring other than werewolves and getting locked out of houses? Evil Dead the Musical. Twice.  Once just isn't enough. That is not their slogan, but mine. Did you even knew such a thing exists?  It does.  Did you know that you must go see it if given the opportunity? You must.  It will change your life.  You will break out into spontaneous songs singing things like "Do the Necrnomican" and singing "Candarian Demon" while making demon hands and looking at your dog who thinks you have gone nuts.  You will sit in the splatter zone and come home with "blood" in your hair and all over your clothes. 

So I just had to get up to let Jersey out and did the demon hands and she jumped and bit my arm. I may be bleeding for real.

I love Halloween.

Crime Watch Wednesday - Where There's Fire, There's Toast?

source

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday proves the old adage "where there is smoke, there is fire" is totally wrong.

Police reported to the scene of a house fire to discover it was just a person that burned some toast.

I love the simplicity of this one.  The reader is left to wonder who called the police? Why did they call the police and not the fire department? Was there actually smoke or just the smell of something burning?  How did the police determine it was just toast? Did it involve breaking down doors?  I would like to believe it happened like this:

Dispatch: Officers get to 123 Lane Avenue STAT - the place is ON FIRE!

Police: We are not the fire department.

Dispatch: Don't argue with me! It is an EMERGENCY!!

Police: What are we supposed to do when we get there? Shoot the fire?

Dispatch: EMERGENCY!!!

{upon arriving at the scene}

Officer 1: I don't see a fire.

Officer 2: It smells like something is burning.

Officer 1: It smells like breakfast.

Officer 1: Mmmmm...breakfast.

{upon arriving at the front door}

Owner: Can I help you?

Officer 2: Something is burning.

Officer 1: We were told there is a fire.

Officer 2: It smells like something is burning.

Owner: Um, I burnt some toast?

Officer 1: Mmmmm....breakfast

I should totally be a movie writer. Or a sitcom writer.

True story - yesterday I got to the office and saw a huge amount of people milling around the front of the building and around the elevators. Double the amount of people you find standing there when the elevator is broke.  Somehow this only seemed mildly odd to me.  I heard rumblings of "false alarm." Then I ran into our receptionist who informed me the building had just been evacuated minutes before.  Why you ask? 

Someone burnt toast on the fifth floor.

It's an epidemic, people.  Lock up your bread!

When it Gets Too Hot 'Round These Parts, Which is Every Day Now, We Have to Find Our Cool Spots Where We Can

Some of us will take advantage of whatever cool spot we can find, even if we do not fit:

And we will spread out even if there is nowhere to go:

Anything to stay cool:

To think, I thought that was a tight space to shower in!

Crime Watch Wednesday: Fanning the Flame of Friendship

This week's Crime Watch Chronicles brings us the story of a friendship gone bad and a crime that didn't quite take:

A former friend was found to be a suspect in an attempted arson. A woman came home to find a small puddle of liquid, thought to be lighter fluid, and a burned cigarette under the front tire of her vehicle. Around that same time the woman received a text message from her former friend, who had been harassing her and threatening her for weeks, that read:

"I tried to light on fire ur shit"

Yes, yes you did. You tried to light on fire the woman's shit. But you didn't. You know what else you did? You ADMITTED TO A CRIME. And you did so via a poorly worded text message. That is traceable to your phone number. Apparently, also the phone number used to harass and threaten this same woman for weeks. Now the police are asking for any additional information, but the truth is? They have all of the information they need. They have:

• your name
• your phone number
• your CONFESSION

You didn't start the fire, babe, but you are still going to get burned.

Case closed.

On a side note, who the hell attempts to start a fire, fails, and then announces the ridiculous attempt to their enemy. That would be like firing an arrow at a person while standing behind a tree and then after missing jumping out and yelling "I tried to shoot this arrow through your heart."

No shit, but you didn't.

Word of the Day = Corpse Love

B: You are cold and clammy. It is like kissing a corpse.

B: Not that I would know.

Me: Ew! Necrophiliac!!

B: Look who's using big words at 5:30 in the morning.

All's Well That Airs Well

You may not know this, but our house does not have central air. NO AIR. Have you been around lately? It is hot has Hades in these parts and we are all feeling the heat.

Long before this heat wave we decided that air was in order. Also, a new furnace would be a good idea since ours is about 20 years old, huge, and makes the worst noises when it is running. Efficiency is the order of the day so we were all set to get them both installed. Then we discovered we needed our neighbor's permission to put the a/c on the side of the house. Our 90 year old neighbors. Our 90 year old neighbors that don't have air themselves. (Thanks city!) Can you guess what happened?

B spoke to them first planning on feeling them out. That went something like this:

B: We are thinking of getting air.

Old Ass Neighbor: Oh! That's not a good idea.

Old Ass Neighbor: That will bring down property values.

Old Ass Neighbor: I don't think the city will allow it.

Old Ass Neighbor: Nope. Not good.

B: .....

Yep. That went well. I was sent in next to "charm" them. That didn't work out so well either. In fact, rather than being the charmer, I turned out to be the ambushee. I came home one day to change clothes before going to the doctor and was waved over by Mrs. OAN. She told me she had a "construction guy" (seriously she pronounced it like it had quotes) over to work on her house. Thinking this was the perfect opportunity to charm her, I opened my mouth to say "speaking of improvements..." but it was too late. Her next sentence was out: "I want you to talk to him about some ideas WE have about YOUR air." Oh joy.

The next 15 minutes dragged by as I listened to the "construction guy" give me such options as under our kitchen window. Um, no. We call that the driveway. Then they took me to the FRONT of the house and told me to stick it behind a bush. This bush, in fact. Where the tree is:

Although I said I didn't think the city would go for that, they were not deterred. However, their "construction guy" could not focus. He was insane. He looked like a homeless person and drove a beat up old rusty Pontiac. He told me stories of the neighborhood. All of the work he did. More stuff, but unfortunately or fortunately, I could only understand one out of every four sentences. I did clearly understand him when he said he worked Special Ops out of the nearby airforce base. It took a lot to hold my composure. The same would be true when he pulled out 10 huge pictures of planes from his portfolio. Mrs. OAN had asked him to get me a business card. That is what I got instead. 10 pictures, 8 of which were identical. Mrs. OAN rolled her eyes. Mr. OAN told me that my furnace was not old. I assured him it was. Mrs. OAN called Mr. OAN senile as in "Oh be quiet, you are senile." I finally got a business card, without really wanting one, when "construction guy" informed me that his email address was captain pig. How professional. Excusing myself with a "I will take this under consideration", I thought I had escaped. Oh no:

Construction guy: You really should get more than 1 estimate for work of this nature. (Oh NOW he decides to be some kind of professional)

Me: I got 5 estimates. Do you think FIVE estimates are enough?

CG: Oh, well, yes.

[as I am walking away]

CG: Do you have any kids?

Me: Um, no.

CG: Kids get hot.

OMFG are you kidding me? Did he think we were considering whether or not to GET air? No. F the kids man, WE get hot! The man was NUTS. I immediately told B and told B when he got home he better go over there because there was no charming and we clearly weren't getting any permission and that guy is NUTS. What did B do?

He hid from them inside the house.

Which led me to the public library to search for the ordinance so we could find some place, any place, to put it without Old Ass Neighbors' permission. With heavy hearts, and the information that we would have to blow through four walls in our basement, we resigned ourselves to put it under our kitchen window. And we were sad.

Then B decided to try one more time. For reasons unbeknown to us, OANs gave in and gave us written permission to put in on the side. They were concerned about noise and I guess B gave them enough info to ease their mind. Or they decided we weren't going to back down. I don't care about their reasoning. I just want air.

Really....look at Chester. Doesn't he look like he is dying?

Now why he decided to spend the hottest day of the year UPSTAIRS and rolling around is beyond me. And if you are looking for his boy bits (pervert!) I blurred them out. Chester is modest you know. Can't you tell? Look how shocked he looks at my capturing all of him:

Yeah he is fat and hot. He will be glad when we get air. B will be glad so he can sleep at night. I will be glad so I can sit at the computer and write witty posts for you without melting. Or read without melting. Or watch TV without melting. Or just not melting.

Air, sweet, air. I love you!

But What About the Front of the House?

In all of my eagerness to show you the exciting flowers that keep popping up on an almost daily basis, and with even more pictures to come soon, I feel that I have been neglecting the front of the house. Although maybe not as colorful, it still is rather pretty. Take a look:

This is the little tree that could. Could it grow some leaves? Who knows. It is struggling behind everyone else. B's friend told him he did not like the tree to which I replied "can you blame him? look at it!" We don't even know what it is.

A bigger picture of the scraggly tree:

And this? This is the GIANT tree on our front lawn. It has more leaves than the scraggly one, but is still a bit behind. I was dismayed to find a bunch of nails in its trunk when we were out there one day. I removed the ones I could and apologized.

How about a comparison from the winter? Can you see the bent branch on the right?

Yes, this one. Wonder when that will fall.

And how about a view of our street:

Our grass looks rather green in that picture. I am loving it.

Doesn't Everyone Have a Cat Porch?

Once we got the swing all set up, we went outside to enjoy it. The cats came with. Since B had fixed all of the screens and the porch has a door, the cats were in heaven. They absolutely love to look out the windows at all of the birds as demonstrated below by Chester:

In fact, they love it so much so that they cry at the door like they are dogs. You know what I love? Quiet cats. Not ones that cry at the doors like dogs. However, if I do let them out on the porch, they will happily sit out there for HOURS. Especially Chester. Occasionally you will hear the thwap thwap thwap of his little paws running across the porch in pursuit of a bird and B claims to have heard him crash up against the screen in chase, but I have not yet seen this occur.

As the cats are so happy to be out there and we are so happy when they are quiet, I mean happy, B decided to take it a step further and make it easier for them to look out without standing on their hind legs. Yes, he gave them a perch. A shelf to be exact:

Now they can sit out there all day. Of course there is only one and they have to fight over it, but since Chester is out there the most, he is on it the most. Don't you love how Chester is looking at me in the above pic like "another picture" and then at Mooch in the below pic like "is this lady insane with the pics"? Apparently so, because right after this picture was taken, I noticed our backyard neighbors staring right at me. I waved. They laughed. They think I am nuts. They are probably right.

The one and only time of sharing on the porch:

And this picture just for kicks because I love how the light got Chester's face.

Now, I have to say, it is not all fun times and happy dances on the back porch. Chester will tell you. In fact, it was the first day out on the porch. B and I decided to go get something to eat and exited out the front door which is rare because our cars are usually in the back. We locked up. We left. We ate.

Two hours later, we arrived home to find Chester locked out of the house and on the back porch. We were shocked and then we laughed. Chester did not laugh. In fact he cowered and would not come near us for a good 15 minutes.

We are awful cat parents.

If It's Too Hot in the House, Go Lay in Some Fur

It is hot in here. No, I have not channelled Nelly. It is truly hot in here. Big old house, 80 degree weather, second floor office/TV room. It gets a bit warm.

B and I are in the market for some air. As in the next few weeks before it gets in the 90s. This has involved many different level of dorky men parading around my house and telling me what they can do for me. None of it is exciting:

BTUs

SEERs

95% efficiency

rebates

tax credits

modulating

dual pump

I cannot believe I retained as much knowledge as I did. Soon I will be selling a/c units. Well, that might be a stretch.

Meanwhile, the cats are lying around morosely acting as if we are killing them by their very being in this house. Chester lays on his back panting and whining. I just step over him and shout "suck it up."

So, imagine my surprise when earlier, just as I thought "it sure is getting hot in here" I watched Mooch climb into his FUR LINED box and cuddle in for a nap.

That cat done lost his mind.