It's Always a Barrel of Laughs for B

The other day when I arrived home, B was kind enough to open the fence for me. As I passed I asked him to check to see if there was a dent in my bumper.

B: Why would there be a dent in your bumper?

Me: Oh. I couldn't remember if I was in an accident this morning or not.

B: WHAT?

You see, that morning I was driving along the freeway I heard the distinct crunch of a plastic bumper. I looked up to see the guy behind me and the guy behind him pulling off to the side and wondered briefly if I was involved. I did not remember being jolted or feeling it occur.  

Then I promptly forgot until I was driving by B.

However, what makes the above scenario that much more ridiculous is that it was not the first time we had such a conversation in the past couple of weeks. Let's rewind, shall we?

~couple weeks prior~

While sitting in our screened-in back porch, I suddenly remembered to ask B:

Me: Hey! Check the front right end of my truck to see if it has orange paint on it.

B: Why would it have orange paint on it?

Me: Maybe, I hit some barrels?

Oh, I hit some barrels.  Let's just say it involved a bit of misjudgment on my part as to the speed of the car ahead of me, the tenancity of the semi truck next to me and my ability to slow down/stop on a dime.

Let's just say that maybe three barrels lost their life.

Let's just say I may have been completely mortified at having to stop at the side of the raod until I could get things under control.

I will say, though, there was no orange paint.

 

Ramblings of a Riddler...A Horn, Iced Tea and 1993.

I was driving behind a mini van when I noticed that the driver and the passenger are in some sort of argument. The driver gives the passenger a shove. Then, out of nowhere, the passenger whips out a huge musical horn (like a big band horn) and blows it at the driver. Because it is so big, though, it is really blowing in front of his face and not by his ear. Just like that it is gone. Where did it go? Where did it come from? Was I seeing things?

***

I was so hot after the walking house tour this year that I decided I needed two Starbucks iced teas. Since they were both for me, I just got one straw. I met B at the car and told him I was glad he was there so it looked like I had bought him one, even though I hadn't.  We were driving off when I see B out of the corner of my eye pick up the tea to drink. Of course he has the one without a straw. Of course I watch to see what will happen. He tries to find the straw with his mouth three times before looking down and then looking at me and saying "How many times were you going to let me do that?"  Is forever a good answer?

***

I told B that I won my first win of June, a CD. He responded by saying "Way to win a prize from the past."  Yes, 1990 is supplying my prizes these days.

***

I May Have Heels and You May Be Closer But I Will Win

Not everything in my life is a competition, however, I will admit that sometimes I see a competition where none exists. At other times, I create a competition that might not otherwise have been there.  For example, the other day I had to go to an ATM by our house on my way to court because I have to park where they only take cash. Again with the cash only! I never have cash.  So, anyway, I pull up to the corner bank in a dubious area and ponder parking in the fire lane since it is a walk up ATM and the parking spots are about six feet away. Since this bank was near where I got a ticket last year, I decided not to take my chances and park legally.

Into the first parking spot I went. Just as I was turning my car off, this minivan pulls up and parks in the fire lane. The van is a mere two feet from the ATM and I am pissed! Because of my good citizen ways, I am going to have to wait for another person to use the ATM.

Unless I beat them there first, that is.

Just as the guy was getting out of his car, I was out of mine and running in high heels and a suit.  I jumped a curb, ran through some grass and some bushes and got to the ATM in time. I resisted the urge to yell out "FACE" or some other sort of "nah nah" sentiment and hurried my transaction along.  I turned to find the guy leaning against his car.

Guy: You beat me.

Me: Yes, but you got that awesome parking spot.

Guy: But you are wearing a nice suit.

Me: Touche

Okay, I didn't actually say that last thing, but he did compliment me on my suit. I only slightly felt like an ass.  I also felt like an Olympic athlete.

Then I went to the car to catch my breath.

Sometimes the Cruelest Jokes Are the Accidental Ones

So, if you know me, you know I like to win prizes. I really like to win prizes that are delivered to me by UPS. So thrilling.

You can imagine my excitement then yesterday while I was exhaustedly slumped over my keyboard trying to come up with an interesting or witty post, but instead coming up with this, when I distinctly heard the UPS truck. My head snapped up and my ears perked up, much like Jersey's do when she hears B's car.  

I ran over to the window and, sure enough, there was the UPS truck parked the wrong way in the street in front of the house next to ours.  I thought to myself "I will give you a pass for parking the wrong way, if you bring me a prize Mr. UPS Guy."  Okay, so I might have said that out loud.

The UPS driver got out of the truck with a big box that looked like it contained, well, a big box of prizes and headed my way. I jumped up and down and began screaming like a girl.  I ran down the stairs to get my prize as Jersey was running upstairs to save me from some insane intruder that would dare to make her master scream.  So I shouted, "Outta my way, baby girl.  OUTTA MY WAY THERE IS A PRIZE" and ran toward the front door. Jersey immediately changed direction to follow me toward what could only be the insane attacker.

As I smiled at the UPS driver upon opening the door, Jersey let out the meanest bark and tried to get out the front door.  So there I am jammed between the big front door and the screen door, trying to grab my box and trying to prevent my dog from escaping all the while ensuring the poor UPS guy that my ferociously barking dog just wants to lick him.  Luckily, he was an animal lover and in no time, the two of us managed to get my box and get the dog safely back inside.  

I turned around murmuring to Jersey about how she was such a good protector and her bark was so fierce when I read the label on the box that clearly said:

TO B

You have got to be kidding me! The box wasn't even for me.  I might have yelled that out loud too.  I may have also dropped the box right where I was standing and stalked upstairs to pout.  Jersey tried to cheer me up, so I hugged her and told her she was the best prize a girl could have.

Yeah, I lied.





*Jersey really is the greatest gift and I enjoy each day with her and love coming home to her.


**I still want a prize delivery though.

I Can't Help That I Love My Husband More Than Joggers

Remember when I told you about that jogger wearing an iPod and how stupid she was when she almost ran in front of our car because she couldn't hear it? Well you know who heard me? Karma. So I almost hit a jogger without an iPod because I didn't see him despite the fact that my eyes were open and I was looking right at him.

My Mom had come over to visit and to see all that we had done around the house. She also came over to go to this HUGE neighborhood yard sale which turned out to be a HUGE fail. It also turned out to be one of the hottest days this year. Naturally.

So I decided to drive Mom around town and show her my local haunts. Kind of like this:

"And here is where the new Kroger will be, in that hole. That should be done in about 9 more months."

"That is our favorite Thai place"

"There's Starbucks"

"There's my bank...and there's MY HUSBAND."

"HI B!!!"

It was right about then that I started honking the horn and waving frantically as if I had never seen B before in my life. While that is happening, I am also turning into the parking lot to get to Starbucks. That is right about the time I look in my rear view mirror and see a jogger grimacing at me as he unwraps his body around the backside of my car.

And they say texting kills people. Apparently it is waving. Waving kills people. Write that down.

B drives over and I ask him if he saw that I almost hit that jogger. Yes, he did. Apparently he thought I was beeping at the jogger. Great. Poor jogger probably thought that too. Although, that does seem to imply that I actually SAW the jogger.

I will take that as a win.

Crime Watch Wednesday: Of Course it is Valuable, I Use it to Wipe my Ass!

...and we're back!*

Finally, the moment you have all been waiting for...another Crime Watch Wednesday edition. To ring this year in right, albeit three months, late, let me tell you the tale of a woman to whom money means nothing. Literally.

You see, our friend, had a wee bit too much to drink and decided to make her way out of the parking lot. The problem? She had to pay first. No problem for this gal. After all, she had a baby wipe.

Yes, she tried to pay her parking fee with a baby wipe.

The employee called her "confused." The police called her "drunk." I think the police were on to something considering she (1) backed her car into a parked vehicle, (2) didn't know her name, (3) couldn't speak, (4) stated she had several drugs at home that she needed to get rid of, (5) blew more than three times the legal limit for alcohol.

Oh, and she mistook a babywipe for money. A babywipe. You know what this means, right?

She has a child.

Also? She is borderline genius. Why genius? Because babywipes are thick like money and feel gritty too. Why borderline? Because they are WET.

In other news, I have elected to travel around with a large supply of Puffs with Lotion. Why, you ask? They are thicker than regular kleenex and when grouped together can look like a wad of cash. They are also very soothing. Allergies? Check. Parking fees? Check.

Genius.

*Users of Gmail should recognize this saying. It always pops up in the status/chat section. Even if you didn't know it was gone, it will remind you that it is back. Google is nice that way.

Vicky Runs My Life. As She Should Because She is Good at It. Is She Listening?

Vicky came to me on Christmas morning in the hands of B. She was wrapped in a little box and I knew exactly what she was. Probably because B asked me a month prior if I wanted her, informed me when he ordered her, and told me when she arrived at the house. Mystery runs deep with that one.

Vicky is my new BFF. She is very knowledgeable. It is almost like she has a huge database in her head. She also speaks perfect English. As a result, right away I knew her name must be Victoria. However, since we became such fast friends, I now call her Vicky for short.

Victoria, or Vicky for short, is my new Garmin nuvi 205, or GPS for short.* She is currently my most treasured possession. Of course, she is also my most dangerous possession. Really! I no longer have to think at all. I put in the address and Vicky gets me there. She tells me when to turn, even issuing up to two warnings before reaching the desired turn mark.

You can't outsmart Vicky. If you decide you do not like her route, which is always the best route by the way**, she will simply speak to you in her perfect English and say "Recalculating" and the next thing you know, Vicky has a new route planned and is calmly telling you when to turn and where to go without even a hint of anger in her voice.

How is Vicky dangerous, you ask? Well, every time I use her, I rely on her that much more. Go ahead. Ask me how to get to my mother's house that I have driven to every week (and sometimes twice) for the past 6 years. I DON'T KNOW. I can tell you the route I used to take before Vicky came in my life, but that would be the INCORRECT ROUTE.

And when I forget Vicky? DISASTER. Sometimes I don't turn where I need to because I don't hear her voice saying "Turn now." Then when I realize that I missed my turn I start screaming "RECALCULATE" but, sadly, there is no one there to do this for me. So I drive aimlessly around moaning Vicky's name quietly or until something starts to look familiar. Like our driveway because I was just down the block.

Seriously, though, Vicky is wonderful. B and I were driving around looking at Christmas lights with Jersey (who was thrilled as you can imagine) and just having the map on the dash helped when B instructed me to turn down a dead end road. When I told him it was a dead end, he replied "I suppose so." No, it IS A DEAD END ROAD. VICKY SAID SO!!

Yes, B made fun of me the first day for arguing with Vicky - "Yes, I HEAR you. I will turn" or "I can't turn there is a RED LIGHT" - until he drove with her and soon did the same thing. However, he soon came to realize Vicky's infinite wisdom and even took her on a field trip with his parents. Now, when faced with a tough question, even those not about driving, we often ask ourselves "What would Vicky do?"

The answer is always: Turn right now.

And so we do.

*I don't know if that is technically the short version, but all the cool kids call it that.

**It is always the best route because Vicky tells me it is.

***You do NOT argue with Vicky.

***help

Crime Watch Wednesday: It is Not the Wrong Way if You are Crosseyed

This week's crime watch chronicles brings us the story of a man so inebriated and so consumed with the idea of further inebriation, that he couldn't see straight or, apparently, see which way traffic was going:

A man was stopped after driving the wrong way down the street. The man admitted he had been drinking and that he was on the way to get more alcohol. The man also admitted that he was an alcoholic. His blood alcohol level after being tested was almost three times the legal limit. He may be dead.

No, the last sentence was totally me. Of course he is not dead. He is probably free and driving the wrong way down a street as I type. I have a feeling that nothing the man said to the police was a surprise. After all, finding someone driving the wrong way down a street would lead to the assumption they are drunk. Finding out they are, in fact, drunk and on the way to purchase more alcohol would lead to the conclusion that the person is an alcoholic.

Way to go Mr. Obvious. Now, if you could become Mr. Observational and drive the right way down the road, we would all appreciate it.

Better yet, stay off the road.

Crime Watch Wednesday: Twice the Trouble!

This week's crime watch chronicles brings us the story of a bicycle struck by a car. Not just any bicycle, however. This was a tandem bicycle. Observe:

A driver struck a tandem bicycle as he turned right at the intersection. The driver stated that he did not see the bike as it entered the street from the sidewalk. He made sure to check on both the cyclists to see if they were injured. They were not. Despite the rear tire being bent, the cyclists continue on their way, in tandem.

Okay, maybe I added those last two words, but let's review. You could not see a tandem bike? How could you miss it unless when deciding to turn right you only looked left? That can be the only explanation. Knowing the people around here I am surprised that a baby buggy seat thing was not attached to the back thereby making the tandem bike about two cars lengths long. How do you steer one of those things? I have enough trouble with my cruiser.

On another note...I recently spotted a person riding a tandem bicycle alone. Alone! It was the saddest thing I ever saw. It does not matter that the person was smiling. I know in their heart, they were crying from loneliness.

One person should not ride a bicycle made for two.

Fact.

Catch Me If You Can Copper!

The latest edition of the Crime Watch Chronicles in our paper involved a drunk driver who nearly collided with police, but not in the way you would think.

You see, Ms. DUI was driving erratically giving the police the impression she might be intoxicated. Thus, they attempted to pull her vehicle over. Like a good soldier, the woman slowed down gradually and came to stop on a residential road. However, she mistook "reverse" for "park" thereby causing the officer that pulled her over to have to quickly reverse his vehicle as well as call the backup vehicle and tell him to reverse. Gives a whole new meaning to "backup" doesn't it? The woman reversed a full two car lengths before the officer put on his siren and she stopped.

Needless to say, she was arrested because she was too intoxicated to even perform any sobriety tests.

As soon as I read this story it reminded me of my own story about being pulled over by the cops, although I was not drunk at the time. This story is legend in my family and even B knows it.

You see, I was a young 17ish girl driving like a fool down a busier-but-still-residential street when I spotted a police car heading toward me. At that exact moment, my car actually caught air from the huge bump I hit and I knew I was in trouble. Sure enough, the cop was attempting to do a U turn to pull me over. So I did what any rational 17 year old would do.

I ran.

Yep. I put the pedal to the medal and took off! What was I hoping to accomplish you wonder? I just wanted to get home which was a few blocks away. Why, you ask? Because my Dad worked in law enforcement and I was convinced he could get me out of this. You know out of the whole fleeing and eluding the police and everything (see fingers, I told you I mostly elude and not allude).

So I sped and make totally erratic and dangerous turns until finally I stopped about one house away from mine as my Dad was walking out of the front door. Gold!

The cop was PISSED! My Dad was PISSED! I was 17 so I was surly and foul. But, I did not get a ticket. I did get grounded for over a week and a lecture on being nicer to cops that pull me over when I am FLEEING THEM.

But I didn't get a ticket.

Many years later and just a few months ago at a family dinner, B asked my Dad about this story. We all laughed and then my Dad said "it was actually rather smart of her."

Gold!

*Please note that I never would endorse fleeing or eluding a police officer for any reason let alone something as stupid as speeding. However, I was 17 and stupid and hormonal and ...enough said.

And to Think, I Was Just Singing a Song...

B just called to share the following story of a crazy car accident he witnessed. Luckily, this time he was not involved. Tell me this does not sound like it came straight out of a movie. In B's words:

I was stopped at an intersection two cars back when all of a sudden two cars crashed horrifically in the intersection. They must have hit full force because the one car went up the sidewalk, nearly hit a guy, hit the traffic signal box, which then almost fell on that same guy who was running away and finally crashed into the paint store. A woman with a bloody head jumps out of the car and screams "MY BABY, MY BABY. MY BABY NEEDS TO GET TO A HOSPITAL." Meanwhile, the other car, having hitting a third car which took off, is still spinning around in the intersection. Well technically it is driving itself in a circle because the driver of the vehicle has fallen out the door.

So I run over to where the lady is screaming about her baby worried that I am going to find a dead infant because I can see that both airbags are blown, but when I look in the car I see a 25 year old guy! I thought "that's no baby" at which point she screamed "MY BABY'S BEEN SHOT!!" Apparently she was on the way to the hospital with her shot son when this occurred.

Meanwhile, the other car is still driving in circles with two cars chasing it because there is a child (a real child) in that car as well. The two guys, however, are trying to run around the car and open the door to the car to get the kid out while the car is still moving. I realize that someone needs to stop the car.

I STOPPED THE CAR! Can you believe I ran over there and got in the car and stopped it? All while calling 911. Of course, it almost ran me over because fluids were leaking out of it and I was slipping. At one point I thought "I am going to get run over by this car, won't that be ironic," but I was able to get in and stop the car. I look back at the kid and he looks at me like "huh." Totally calm.

By this time, the cops have arrived. The guy who was shot couldn't tell them where the shooting occurred and they just put them in their car to take him to the hospital. Then his mother starts yelling YOU ARE GOING THE WRONG WAY because she wanted them to take him to a specific hospital. They elected to go to the nearest one.

As the cops sorted it out, I talked to the guy who had been on the sidewalk and told him I was watching him and worried about him the whole time because I saw the lady almost hit him and then saw the traffic light almost fall on him. He then said to me "I know. I was just standing there singing a song when a car came rushing right at me..."

~~~

When B told me he had a crazy story, I don't think I quite pictured that. I am oh so very relieved he was not involved and that no one was seriously injured. I am also very proud that he was able to stop the unmanned vehicle with child in it. There is definitely more than one hero in my family.

Note: B has requested that I describe him as a "man of action".

There you go.

Birthday Wishes, Dishes and Crashes

As you might have guessed, the other day was my birthday. Monday to be exact. The day did not really start off that great as I woke up feeling horrible due to an undisclosed* condition and ended up leaving work just a couple hours in to come home and sleep.

And B crashed his car and totaled it.

Sounds horrible, right? Yet it was a terrific birthday. Here are some of the better moments:

• After my nap/sleep, I felt well enough to go for birthday dinner. Mongolian BBQ makes everything okay including insane stomach aches
• B bought me the scanner I coveted so that I can scan old pictures and stuff and maybe even put them on the blog. He unceremoniously, but excitedly, handed me the unwrapped scanner after attempting to give it to me weeks earlier. His words "did you ever think you would get a gift like this?" Yes, as it is exactly what I asked for and you ordered it directly from the link I sent you, I kinda thought I would. And I love it and cannot wait to start scanning! Sounds like a weekend project...
• B also gave me a card from him and the cats which was perfect as it talked about how the cats just wanted me to feed them. You have no idea what I have been putting up with lately with those cats. That's for another post entirely.
• B managed to sell his totaled car and get his insurance refunded, all during the time I napped/slept. Talk about being proactive.
• My secretary got me some amazing cucumber melon hand soap from Bath and Body Works. She has now been elevated to my MOST FAVORITE SECRETARY EVER. Yes, I am easily bought.

And finally, two stories that amuse me.

First, B has tried to blame everyone but himself for his accident:

1. When first informing me of his accident he told me he was on his way home from the gym. However, when he handed me my birthday card, he stated "I got into the accident because I had to get you THIS." Huh. Waiting until the last minute didn't quite work out did it?
2. B then announced that the card was "really from the cats." Apparently, those cats cannot be bothered to buy things in advance either and are also responsible for the accident.
3. Later, when we were discussing the accumulation of empty cans that are taking over our kitchen, B indicated he needed to find a place to return them as our local grocery store does not have an automated bin, announcing "That's what I was doing...I was on my way to return cans when the accident happened."

That was one busy boy. No wonder he crashed. Yes, it does seem like he crashes often. Somehow he says this is my fault. Note: I am never there.

Now, as I was leaving work early due to my overwhelming need to lie in bed and pretend I did not have a stomach, I told B I would come pick him up as he was not sure if his car was drivable. As I had almost reached my destination, B called to say never mind he was going to drive the car home. Apparently the tire place said it would cost $1,000 to fix the tire. Yep...time to pack it up. I asked B if he was sure he did not want me to follow him home and he said he was sure.

Just then I passed B's car. Yeah, the tire was sticking outward. He would be driving on the outer edge of the SPARE tire. You know? One of those minis? All I could imagine is my crawling in bed just to get a phone call that the tire did not make it. So I followed him home. Much to my amazement and somewhat disappointment, the tire made it all the way home. Not that I wanted anything bad to happen, I just expected it to happen.

I mean, look at it! Wouldn't you expect something bad to happen?

Well, maybe it doesn't look THAT bad. How about a close up?

Yep, doesn't look straight at all does it? Poor little car.

So, in spite of the insanity of the day and the poor start, I had a terrific birthday full of hugs, laughter, love and presents.

Sadly, B's car cannot say the same.

*To be disclosed in a future post.

**No one was hurt in B's accident which is the most important thing of all.

***Thank you for a great birthday B!! Sorry about your car.

Of Badges and Glass Eyes

B has a second job. Actually it is probably like a third or fourth job. He has worked numerous jobs since I met him.  I used to do that too. When I was young and did not fall asleep on the couch at 7:30 p.m.   B must still have some of that youth in him.

Anyway, his second (or third) job is as guest relations at a sports arena.  He works hockey games and concerts.  Even though every time he works he comes home grumbling about it, I know he secretly likes it. After all, he has been there for about three years now.   I like when he comes home telling tales of what occurred.  Some of them are just too damn funny.

So the other night when we were out to eat, and B began telling me what had happened at the latest concert (a big band from the 80s that is still going strong today), I knew it would be good. I was not disappointed.   B first started telling me about some cops that wanted special treatment. What they wanted was to get to the main floor, without the proper ticket.  It didn't help their cause, in B's eyes, that they were cops right near our city.  B tells me their exchange went something like this:

Cop: I am a police officer with [city], can't you just let me down to the main floor? [flashing badge]

B:  Are you one of those cops that just sit by the exit to the freeway and nails everyone that comes by?

Cop: Oh no! Not me.  I don't do that.  Please just give me a wristband.

B:  Oh, I see. So your badge entitles you to a wristband?  If you pull me over while driving through [city] and I am wearing a wristband, will that get me out of a ticket?

I like that boy's logic.  B baffled the cop into silence but then took pity on him and let him go down.  Actually, that part of the story was hard to believe considering B does not have a good track record with the police in our area.  You see, before the new car, B had a different car that was totaled on the freeway when some jerk decided he needed to exit RIGHT THEN and cut across all lanes of traffic, into B, and sending B into the side wall.  When Mr. Police Officer arrived on the scene, there were nothing but skid marks.  Jerk left B for dead on the side of the road.  B told Mr. Police Officer his story, only to not be believed.  For some reason, Mr. Police Officer thought that B was lying and had careened himself into the side of the road.  As they sat in the police car arguing (yes B is obviously not intimidated by authority figures), Mr. Police Officer's radio went off saying "we have a call from a driver who witnessed some jerk plow into a guy on the freeway and take off. The person followed the driver home and has identified him."  I believe B's exact words to Mr. Police Officer were "huh. I guess I didn't careen myself into the wall after all."  B's my hero.

Anyway, I was nodding during this story about his job, thinking it was great and wondering if it was worth a blog when B said the following gem:  "Then there was the guy who lost his glass eye."

STOP

I actually said "STOP," reached into my purse and pulled out the notebook where I write such gems to blog about later.  Then I proceeded to say, "Continue..."

B: Yeah, some guy lost his glass eye.

Me: His real glass eye?

B: Yeah, I am really not sure how you do that. We were looking all over the ground. I actually think his girlfriend did it.  I saw them fighting earlier and I think she hit him.

Me: She hit his glass eye out?

B: That's the only thing I can think of.  I wonder if someone will turn it into the lost and found.

Um, WOW. That is all I can say.  The rest of the time I just laugh in my head at the spectacle I imagine occurred.  And I thought losing a contact was bad.

On another note, B told me he was employee of the month this month at the job.  Totally well deserved, especially since he didn't need a sock puppet.

Kudos to you B! You rock!

Oops I Did It Again!

Well, maybe not me, but the lady behind me.  Another accident~ she smashed all up in my car. While I was stopped at a light and after she had stopped FOR THE SAME LIGHT.  Goodness.  Remember when I thought it was kind of amusing to be rearended because it wasn't my car? Not so funny when it is your car.

I was coming home from my Mom's house all happy and free, enjoying the last couple of days of my vacation.  I exited the freeway, got all the way over into the right lane and stopped behind a van with a trailer attached.  I stopped. A full stop.  A I-had-to-wait-at-least-two-minutes-before-the-light-changed stop.  The lady behind me also stopped for the same amount of time.  The light turned green and everyone around us started to move except the guy in the van with the trailer. I lifted up my hand to tap my horn and...

BAM!

The lady behind me plows into my vehicle.  After my head bounced off the back of my head rest for the second time in a month, I wonder how the hell she had hit me with such force having been STOPPED and all.  Then realizing I was sitting there in drive without braking, I pulled over to the side of the road, got out and saw a big ol' dent in the back of my vehicle at the hatch. She was driving an old Dodge pick up - all metal. I was driving my new Ford midsize SUV - all plastic.  She asked if I was okay and apologized and then suggested we go to the police station. Sounds good. I call B on the way who thinks I should get her license number in case she splits. Of course I am in front of her (which probably isn't a good idea given the situation) and cannot see it. However, she follows me to the police station without incident.  We arrive and so does her husband in another car. They must live nearby because he pulled up simultaneously. I don't know why she called for back up as I was smaller than her and never even raised my voice.  Whatever makes you happy.

We get to the police station only to find that we are at the wrong one.  Off we go to another police station. I call B to tell him.  This time I follow her and her husband follows me. And yep, he almost rear ends me on the way there. How would that be for some irony? Rear ended by the husband of the lady that rear ended you on the way to the police station to report that accident? Luckily that did not occur as I really wasn't in the mood for irony.

At the police station, she proceeds to apologize about 5 more times.  The cop asks what happens and she immediately says "I hit her."   Yeah, what she says.  The cop asked if we were stopped. I respond "I was stopped...." and she says "you had that guy with the trailer in front of you" as if that explained anything.  I know what happened. Everyone went but trailer guy including lady behind me, apparently flooring it, because she wasn't paying attention.

We then all troop out to the vehicles to survey the damage. I notice a piece of something on my bumper. Picking it up, I notice it is metal and does not appear to be from my vehicle.  I go to the front of her vehicle where her and her husband are looking at their damage (a totally smashed grill and possibly a smashed radiator) and ask "is this a piece of your car?"  It was. She took it.  When she looked at my damage, I stated "it's a dent."  She quipped "it looks expensive." Yes, I am sure it is.  Isn't it always?

B surveyed the damage when I brought it home and said "that's quite a dent."  Yep, it looks like I get to visit good ol' Ben at the dealership again. Hopefully he can get this repaired as well as he got the fluid leak repaired.

Starting 2009 off with a bang over here...

The One Where I Play Santa Clause...

I recently had to go pass out gifts to our clients.  Envisioning myself as a Santa I practiced saying "Ho, Ho, Ho" and walking around for B:

Me: [walking around] HO HO HO

B:  What are you doing?

Me: Practicing playing Santa for when I give out gifts tomorrow.

Me: HO HO HO

B:  What are you doing with your arms?

Me: What do you mean?

B: You look like an ape.

Me: That is me holding PRESENTS!

Me: HO HO HO

Of course, Partner and I picked one of the worst winter days to go pass out presents. That, among other things, made him crabby.  That made me crabby.  To console ourselves, we went out to lunch first.  Cappuccinos cure everything. At least for me. He does not drink those. He remained grumpy.

As we were driving away from the restaurant (more like crawling through the snow), I noticed a TV van parked across the street.  Trying to lighten the mood, I said:

Look! There's a TV van and a camera and a girl and everything. I wonder what she's going to say - "Hi John, I'm live in the parking lot where it is snowing. Can you see the snow John? Yes, I am in front of the diamond store. No, I don't know why. Maybe because snow is shiny like diamonds? Ha ha John, back to you in the studio."

Partner asks me to tell him what girl from the station and I say "Some brunette from Channel 2."  As Partner declares he HATES Channel 2, it happens:

BAM!

We get rear ended.  And my head actually bounces off the headrest and back before I even hear the sound.  And it hurt dammit!  Turns out there was no damage, which was good, but it sure didn't lighten the mood. It just made me grumpier.

Partner took that opportunity to call his wife and warn her to stay off the road. Unfortunately, he still has not figured out how to work his bluetooth phone in the car and could not get it off speaker phone.  That conversation went something like this:

Partner:  Hi wife!  Stay home. The roads are really bad.

Wife: Too late. I am already on the road

Partner: Okay.

Wife: Hey...

Partner: WIFE! I CANNOT TALK RIGHT NOW!!

Wife:  THEN WHY DID YOU CALL ME?????

Click [the sound of her hanging up on him].  I was laughing. He was not. I dont think he wanted to tell her he couldnt talk because she was on speaker coming through the car, that I was in the car listening and that he could not figure out how to turn it off.  We all have troubles.  He got grumpier.

We delivered the gifts. I did not say HO HO HO though.  In fact, I started saying Merry Christmas because, after all, we were passing out gifts mere days before Christmas, but realized that was probably politically incorrect. So then I started saying something like this:

MerryChristmasHappyHolidaysHappyHanukahandallthat.

Smooth, right? I blame it on my head injury.

And if you are wondering what our clients got, they got wireless digital frames. No, they did not have pictures of strangers in them.

Hope all of your Holidays were bright and cheerful. Unlike this story.

Can You Hear Me Now?

Remember that partner that could not believe I did not know how to make a conference call? Well, he may be a whiz at conference calls, but give him bluetooth technology and a car and hilarity ensues. His car has the function to answer his cell phone through the radio speakers using bluetooth technology. Receiving and answering phone calls doesn't seem to be a problem. Making them? That goes a little something like this...

{Words in all caps are to be read as if they are being yelled very slowly}

Partner: Let's call other partner and see if he wants to meet us for lunch.

Me: Sounds good.

He hits the button and we hear:

Voice: Sync in. I am listening. State your command.

Partner: Phone.

Voice: Phone on. What would you like to do?

Partner: DIAL

Partner: Wait. No. That's the wrong word.

Partner: Stop. Sorry. No.

Voice: I do not understand your command.

Partner: Shit. How do I turn this thing off?

He presses many buttons while cursing the whole time and the thing turns off. I am giggling like a mad woman because he is getting so angry.

Partner: This happens to me and my wife all of the time. You have to say "call". I always forget.

He hits the on button again.

Voice: Sync in. I am listening. State your command.

Partner: Phone.

Voice: Phone on. What would you like to do?

Partner: CALL

Voice: Please state the number you are calling.

Partner: 555-1212

Voice: Dialing 55-1212

Me: That is not even a real number.

Partner: Shit. How do I stop it from dialing? How do I turn it off.

After more buttons are pressed, it is off and he is cursing and telling me how he "hates this thing" and he can "never get it right." Meanwhile, I am thinking we should just pick up the actual phone and make the call, but what do I know. So, one more time for kicks I suppose:

Voice: Sync in. I am listening. What is your command?

Me: [whispering] phone

Partner: PHONE

Voice: Phone on. What would you like to do?

Me: [whispering] call

Partner to me: SHHHHH

Me: I was only trying to help [looks out the window to try to suppress laughter]

Partner: CALL

Voice: Please state the number you are calling.

Partner: FRONT OFFICE

See, now he is going to break out speed dial words. Not that it is going to help, when the car was calling 55-1212 it named it front office. Actually "office front." I try to point this out:

Me: It is office front.

Partner: Shhhh

Voice: I do not recognize front office.

Me: [totally suppressing laughter, although at this point it may be due to insanity]

Partner: FRONT OFFICE

Voice: I do not recognize front office.

Partner: OFFICE

Finally, without any good reason, as just as we had given up and the only thing keeping us connected to the phone was the fact that Partner could not get it to turn off, the correct number is dialed, the receptionist answers and the other Partner is meeting us for lunch. This lunch it turns out. Meanwhile I spent the whole ride to the restaurant giggling like crazy or thinking about giggling. Him yelling very slowly at the car while saying all the wrong words was just too much for me. The whole day was full of hilarity.

And I haven't even told you about the ride downtown that morning.

Where's Dani?

So it was brought to my attention that I am a horrible blogger and have been neglecting my posting duties. Thanks bro!  But he is right and it is true.  In fact, I thought I last posted on Thursday, but it looks like it was really Wednesday. That is a long time.  Too long.  I would like to say it was because I was off on some wild and crazy adventure but that would be a fib.  The truth is...

I have been doing nothing. Literally.  Getting up early to get to the office early is not only ridiculous, but apparently exhausting.  Couple that with the fact that arriving early does not necessarily mean I leave early and some days it is unbearable.  Feel bad for me yet? Nah, I didn't think so.

Here's what I remember since I last posted:

Thursday is a blur. B was recovering from some disgusting virus so we went for a romantic dinner at the coney island.  Then...nothing.

Friday was just too much for me I guess. I fell asleep at 7:00. That's PM in case you were wondering.  After returning from dinner which involved watching a man in a wheelchair use his legs to literally walk while seated which made B declare that "defeated the whole point of a wheelchair" and I to declare "maybe his butt was sore" which made absolutely no sense, I decided to lay down because I had a slight headache. I even left the bedroom light on so I wouldn't fall asleep.  After about an hour, I got up and moved to the couch to watch TV. I proceeded to do this for the next two hours. With my eyes closed.  And my mouth open.  There may have been snoring involved.  Thereafter, I moved back to the bedroom, told B I was going to bed to which he responded "you probably shouldn't have left in the first place." Touche.*

Fifteen hours later (don't judge - I was exhausted) I awoke to GET THINGS DONE.  This involved going online, getting lost in blog reading and being disturbed a couple of hours later by B who declared we had to go to the cider mill right then and there as it was NOW OR NEVER.  Although thrown about as a threat, I took it as an invitation and off we went to eat donuts and drink cider and watch cider being made yet again.  Every year it is the same routine.  And every year we act surprised as to how it is done.  Like we don't know that crushed apples will come down the chute, wrapped in the tarp to be crushed. Every year I will ask B "but where does the juice GO?" and every year he shows me the keg like contraption complete with a hose.  Oooooh and ahhhh.  Although we do not ooohhh and ahhh audibly like some people in the audience did.  Made me wonder just what they thought was going to come down that chute? Coal?  Maybe nothing.  In the wise words of a nearby three year old "maybe the apples are all stuck together."  It could happen, I suppose.

And Sunday? Oh Sunday. Full of breakfast, mad grocery shopping and deal seeking. I do not know how those deal seeking people do it. I get stressed every time.  You know what doesn't help being stressed while seeking deals?  Being stalked by a guy in a scooter stuck perpetually in reverse.  Nothing gets a greater rise out of me then hearing beep-beep-beep.  That stupid annoying reversing sound found on all trucks and apparently on scooters at the grocery store.  And this man? HE COULD NOT DRIVE FORWARD.  All he did was reverse.  Beep-beep-beep. And follow me from aisle to aisle. I was quite honestly going mad. At some point I just yelled "I can't take it anymore" and ran from the aisle with my cart while some lady looked at me strangely.  Later, upon finding my Mom and griping about said man, she informed me he was following her too.  Like mother, like daughter, stalked by crazy reversing guy.

And what was the craziest thing to have occurred this weekend? I worked, real work, from home. Rarely happens. I just cannot focus as well at home. But THINGS NEEDED TO BE DONE.  Like how I phrase important things in all caps? Gives them greater effect.  Anyway, lots of work was done. Hours of work.  This occurred while the "slimy but good" pot roast was cooking and the "yummy" cookies and the "somewhat crispier" cookies were baking.  Yes, it was family dinner day and although B said the pot roast was slimy, I will forgive him because (a) he does not like gravy - silly boy, (b) he also said it was good, and (c) he did not suffer from food poisoning or immediately contract a violent stomach virus like after last week's cooking.  But that's a post for another day....

*That word does not have the same effect if the accent is not present on the e.  Touche to that as well.

Memos and Briefs on Driving

MEMO

To:  Guy Driving to the Left of Us

From: Me

It is NOT okay to drive down the street without a shirt on.  Especially when it is below 50 degrees out and I am wearing gloves.  Especially when we cannot tell if you are wearing pants. That will result in me yelling to B - "BUT IS HE WEARING PANTS?"  That mystery remains unsolved.

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MEMO

To:  Guy Driving to the Right of US

From:  Me

If you have to hold an ice pack to the side of your head while driving, you probably should not be driving - concussion and all.  I see you have a passenger.  Perhaps your passenger can drive? And perhaps along the way he can take you to a hospital for your injuries.

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MEMO

To: Lady in the Lane Next to Me

From: Me

Hi! Perhaps you did not see me, driving in my own lane, going the speed limit next to you. I know you want to be where I am, who doesn't?  However, you cannot beep at me as if I am doing something wrong because you have decided RIGHT AT THAT MINUTE that you MUST be where I am. Relax!  You can either (a) speed up and get in front of me or b) slow down and get behind me. Putting on your turn signal will not help either.  Here's the thing - our cars are side by side. You cannot be where I am without slowing down or speeding up. And, no, it is not MY job to assist you in lane changing.  If you continue to beep, I will just smirk at you.  You know how mad that makes you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BRIEF -

The other day I was driving behind a guy with a personalized license plate that said " I TILE".  At first I thought the meaning was so clear - "oh he tiles! Like floors and things."  That was immediately followed by - "but what if he plays Scrabble? What if he plays Scrabble and is always looking for the 'i' tile?  Or he always wins using the 'i' tile?"  Now the license plate isn't so clear anymore is it?  Am I the only one that thought of Scrabble?  Please don't answer that.  

BRIEF -

The other day I went to the grocery store and was happy to see a parking space up front and then ecstatic to see that I could pull through it to avoid reversing in the future.  Reversing is so troublesome.  I just like to move forward.  As soon as I put the car in park, I saw an SUV about to pass me and it dawned on me that this woman may have seen the empty parking space I was in and hoped, like I, that she could get a space up front.  However, she was not in my lane at the time and she did not have a turn signal on.  Nothing clued me in besides a hunch.  My hunch was right because she ended up parking in the spot behind me after completing a 17 point turn to get into it.  This made me feel bad.  And for some reason, I decided to apologize.

Heading to the back of my vehicle where I keep my reusable grocery bags (I am so green!), I see her get out of her vehicle and I say "I'm sorry. I did not realize you were planning on parking here or I never would have pulled through."  And then, this happened:

She got back into her vehicle and started her car!!

What the heck? Did she REALLY think I was going to apologize, get back into my car, start it and MOVE IT?  And move it to where? So she could pull through and then I could pull behind her? What is this musical parking spaces?  So I did what anyone would do, I turned around and got my bags out of my car.  She proceeded to turn off her car and get back out.  I apologized again and she glared at me and went into the store.

No good deed goes unpunished. Lesson learned - do not apologize especially when you did not do anything wrong. Some might take it as an admission of guilt.  And some might want you to unexplainably move your vehicle.  Next time, just park.