Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Random Office Tales Part Deux

Yes, the tales just keep coming.  

So, walking along the hall today from the kitchen to the bathroom when I notice that there is someone walking behind me.   It is one of my coworker's mother.  Yes, apparently if you are overworked and need your filing done, our office will hire your mother to assist you.

(Mom: Are you reading this? You know my assistant keeps on losing my stuff. You may be recruited, I mean hired, at any time. Be forewarned!)

This woman, who I only know as "Mom" (as if I am going to call some strange woman in the office "Mom" simply because she is someone's mother), rarely talks to me. I say hi to her when I see her because she usually just says hi and moves along her way, which you all know I like.  Today, however, was different. When I turned around she said "My God you have a beautiful figure."  Well, okay then.  I thank her profusely and go about my way.  It was a very sincere compliment but odd in its tone and in the fact that I have had the same figure the entire time I have worked there and was not even wearing a new outfit.

Yeah, I know I am hot. Don't be jealous.

Oh, and then to add to that. I received a phone call a few hours later from Mom's daughter calling me from the phone booth.  You read that right.  Our office has a phone booth - two in fact.  Okay, they are not really booths but little rooms with a phone and a chair and a small table. I guess for clients or others to use when they need to call someone and do not want everyone in the conference room to hear them.  

However, in my mind they are phone booths, probably because of both their use and their size.  And, yes, that is where I go to change into my beautiful figure - how did you guess?  Also, that is apparently where much of my stuff goes when it disappears (Mom: take note).  My coworker called to tell me that a huge stack of my stuff was in the phone booth.  Who knows how long it had been there.  Our office has vortexes that take stuff from one area of the office and makes it reappear somewhere totally different and random. But it keeps us on our toes. Just like the random compliments and random office tales.

Carry on.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Random Office Tales

So, I head into the kitchen for a cup of coffee because I have been working too many hours this week and am barely awake. Yes, it is only Tuesday. It will not get better until Friday.  I see my favorite sparring Partner. He looks grumpy.  I say "why so grumpy?" To which he tells me that it is hard to get back to work after a day off.  Unwisely, but something I would usually do in conversation with him, I ask "what did you do on your day off?"  Now, there are many things that could have been and many things that probably should have been said.  Quite often he goes out of state to visit the new addition to his family. Since it was a Monday he took off, I figured that was the case. I figured wrong.  Sparring Partner, instead, replied:

"I had a colonoscopy."

Okay ~ gross and just so, so wrong.  I do not need to know about that. Especially when I am standing in the kitchen about to take a drink of coffee.  My reply, no joke, was "Ewww gross." To which I recieved a long explanation about how colonoscopies are not gross, they are now standard, and so common, they have the procedure down pat, etc.  Um, yeah, I wasn't really saying the colonoscopy was gross necessarily, however, being told that was what happened to you on your day off instead of something neutral like "I had a doctor's appointment," that is what is gross.

I do not need to know what crawled up your ass ~ literally.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Tales from The Courthouse

There is nothing like going to the courthouse to chase away your blues.  It is a rare courthouse trip that does not invite some humor or disbelief on my behalf and today was no exception.

First, I arrive at the courthouse and decide to use the ladies' room.  That 10 minute drive was something else.  So, after washing my hands I discover that there is no paper towel.  Standing there perplexed, I look around and spot what may be a hand dryer but like none I have ever seen. It is not square but more like an upside down water jug.  I draw nearer and see that there is something written on it:

Feel the Force.

Okay, call me intrigued. With no further instructions anywhere to be found, I proceed to stick my hands under the dryer when HOLY HELL - the dryer is so damn powerful it is MOVING MY SKIN.  This is not a test and certainly no joke.  I sat there and watched the skin on the back of my hand roll across my hand. It was so creepy.  I turned my hands over and watched the skin on my palms do the same thing.  So, so very wrong.  I had to seriously close my eyes for the rest of the drying procedure.  Luckily, the force was so strong, my hands were dry in no time flat. Wow. I know they say that you shouldn't believe everything you read, but if you are ever in a bathroom and it says "feel the force" on the hand dryer, do not doubt the force, for the force is indeed strong.

So, after that very scary event, I proceed up to the courtroom for a very humorous one. Waiting for my case to be called, I am witness to a sentencing for a DUI. This guy happens to be in his early 20s.  The probation department has written a sentencing guideline report for the judge. The judge asks this guy if he wants to say anything on his behalf. He wisely says no just as his attorney did a moment before.  Then the judge starts asking him questions and it all goes downhill from there.

The judge asks him if he is currently a student. He answers yes. Then the judge asks how many classes he is taking and he says "none."  The judge says "I thought you said you were enrolled in college."  The guys indicates that he is enrolled but is having financial aid problems.  The judge then asks when is the last time that he took classes and the guy says that he has never taken classes. He was enrolled in 2005 and then never got to take a class due to financial aid problems.  The judge then says "it appears that you and I have different definitions of the word 'enrolled', tell me have you ever taken a class at the college?" The guy says he has not and then states:
"There must have been a misunderstanding between me and the girl in probation. I told her that I was enROLLED not ENrolled."

Yes, he said the same word twice but with different inflection and, apparently, in his head, different meaning. Just listening to him I believe that he actually heard himself say it this way:

"I was ENrolled not INrolled."

Too much.  I immediately picked up my pen and wrote that down to bring straight to my blog.  No one else so much as batted an eye.  I guess such vernacular is par for the course around there.

That is not all that fine boy said. He also said he did not like AA because it was full of a bunch of alcoholics (he was on his second DUI).  He also wanted to find an AA group that was "enthusiastic" about being sober and not just full of a bunch of "losers."  As you can tell, he charmed the judge quite a bit.

There you have it. Stay tuned for more Tales from The Courthouse, brought to you weekly.

Monday, January 21, 2008

You're Uninvited

Don't you hate when you have plans with someone and an uninvited guest shows up and all is ruined? Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of times that uninvited guests are awesome and welcomed. For example, I recently had dinner with a group of friends who I see, or try to see, monthly.  One of my friends brought someone new with her and it was a great addition. Of course, she had talked about the friend to us a lot and us to the friend a lot so it was like we almost knew each other.

That was NOT the case when I met an old friend/work acquaintance for lunch the other day.  I had not seen this person but once briefly in a work capacity in about 8 or 9 years.  So we planned to get together for lunch.  I wanted to catch up on old times and perhaps get some mentoring advice from this person as he is in the same field as me.  Imagine, to my surprise, when I arrive and am told that there will be someone joining us.  It went something like this:

I walk into the restaurant and spot my friend there.  I walk over and say hi. He says hi. It is just the two of us waiting to be seated at this point.  He then says "Do you remember P?"  I affirm that I do when he announces that P will be joining us for lunch because he is "on this side of town" and my friend has to get something from him. Are you kidding me?  I do not know P very well at all. I know OF P, but I do not KNOW P. Could it get more awkward?

So we are seated in a booth for 4 people. Wonder who P is going to sit next to? Ha - he ends up sitting next to my friend. They look like awkward lovers.  That is of little consolation to me. We cannot catch up on old times because my friend is too busy catching P up on who the heck I am. And I cannot very well get any mentoring advice from my friend because I don't want P knowing my business or, worse yet, giving me his own advice. Grr.

That was a wasted two mini burgers event!!

Grout it Out!

B decided we needed a new kitchen floor. He likes to do projects around the house when he has time. He has never tiled a floor before, but what better place to do it for the first time, but in a tiny little kitchen?  So he spent quite some time measuring, gluing, getting pieces cut and placing them exactly to the measurements.  Then, when the tiles were all set, he decided to grout it. That is where I came in, somewhat reluctantly.

B called me over to see how it was going and what it looked like. Next thing I know, I am hunkered down helping him grout the kitchen floor. A few hours later and we are all done. B wanted to take an action picture because he said that people will not believe I actually helped grout the floor. I am offended! Why wouldn't I help? I am handy!  He says he cannot believe it and he was there.  Pfft!

Without further comment, here is our brand new kitchen floor. Not bad for a pair of rookies, as B would say:

Friday, January 18, 2008

Random Office Sightings

I think this will be a recurring special theme for posts - the random office sightings.  The inaugural post goes something like this:

My boss and I are headed to the kitchen discussing an important matter I am sure.  Upon entering the kitchen we witness a coworker on her knees at the snack machine with a long undone metal hanger which she is jamming into the machine through the dispensing drawer.   My boss and I continue our conversation without missing a beat but look at each other quizzically.   As we are leaving the kitchen, the coworkerl looks up at us and says:

"I just want my muffin."

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Fire and Brimstone

As in what seems to be a disturbing reccurrence lately, I went to a funeral home today. A relative of a relative. And keeping with another trend - quick viewings - the viewing was for a few hours followed immediately by the service. Usually I do not attend the service unless it is someone close to me, but since I was already there, I figured what the heck.

Well, you can thank me now. There would be no post if I had not stayed. That was THE most bizarre funeral service I have attended. The deceased was Catholic. We expected a priest. What we got instead was fire and brimstone as in a wooden church in the middle of a corn field (no offense to corn). I am not kidding. There was not one overzealous firebreathing preacher, but a tag team! Oh my.

The first guy, who may not have been a preacher as he did not seem all that comfortable at the pulpit, announces that he is going to read some scriptures, followed by the list of scriptures he is going to read, and then proceeds to read one scripture. That is right, just one. Yes, he listed off many, but apparently decided not to read them. Instead he delighted us with a song. Yes, he sang. The organ chimed in. It was of little consolation. He was not a singer by any stretch of the imagination. Finally, that torture ended and he sat down. That is when I noticed there was a second person. Tag - he was it.

Second guy starts speaking. I think to myself at first "at least he is a preacher and a good speaker." Ten minutes later I have forgotten that initial positive thought because his "eulogy", for lack of a better word, has turned into full on preaching about how he was concerned about us, the audience, and whether we have or have not embraced God in our lives. Great. Um, not sure he even realized he was at a funeral. Then he started talking about "testimonies" and all of the people he kne (many apparently) that had died and went to heaven and came back to tell him how wonderful it is. Yep. They "testified". Pretty sure it was not under oath.

After, I don't know, about 20 minutes of this, I am growing more and more concerned as the preacher is getting louder and louder. Now he is yelling at us. I whisper to my Dad "why is he yelling at us?" My uncle coyly scribbles on a piece of paper (well, okay, it was the paper containing the hymn we were to sing at the end) "tent revival?". I heartily agree. The preacher babbles on about some other craziness. My uncle and I exchange puzzled and actually angered looks. What the heck? This poor greiving family is being yelled at about their possible lack of salvation. I am hoping nobody paid these clowns for their "services." My Dad wisely whispers "Just think of this as penance for all of your past sins," to which I reply, "at this rate I will be good for the next decade."

The preacher finally moves on to the things the family wanted us to know about the deceased. I will admit he did a fine job on that note, but then again he was reading from a script and none of the words were "salvation," "testimonies," "testified," or the like. Quite an improvement. Then, the moment we were all dreading (or at least the three of us on the couch by the back wall), the other guy stands up to sing Amazing Grace. Yeah, because he wowed us so much with the first song. After he sang the first two verses, he invited us to join in the last verse. At which point the preacher stood, spread his arms wide and said "RISE!" Well, what else are you going to do but rise and pray that it is over quickly.

Thankfully, after that it was.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

You are missed

It has been two years today.  So long ago but as fresh as yesterday.  I think of you on a daily basis. So often, I have lost count.  Although I welcome the memories, it saddens me that I think of you more now than I did when you were with us.

Love you Amy.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Pessimistically Optimistic

Today was the first work day of the New Year. I was so excited to take my newfound hopes and dreams to the office to conquer the legal world. Alas, that only lasted about.....20 minutes.

Within 20 minutes of my arrival, one of my assistants comes in with a gift - a mug with cocoa called the Pessimistically Optimistic mug. One half says "do it now" and the other half says "do it later." We discuss how we are going to try to be so much more positive in 2008. walks my favorite sparring Partner who announces "What is wrong with you? You look like hell!" Come on, now this isn't even fair. It has only been 20 minutes and I am faced with this...on the first day of the new working year???? I declare that I do not, in fact, look like hell. But sparring Partner confirms that I really do. He then announces that he is a germ incubator so I banish him from my office.

I would like to be able to say that the day just got so much better, but it didn't. I had to rush across town to keep a forgotten appointment to just sit there, wait, and return. I did manage to snag some more 75% discounted xmas items from Target but even that could not save my day.

Ahhh...remember when I was so happy and hopeful, so positively optimistic? Was that just yesterday?

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

New Year Brings New Posts!

Okay, it is time to bring this blog back to life. 2008 is the year of Dani's Blog. Sit back and watch. You will be amazed, or at least amused.

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