Just Another Night Where Someone Loses An Eye But No One Does Anything About It

Last night around 11 or so, I came downstairs to tell B a few things:

B: What's up?

Me: I have a list of things I have to say...

B: Are they about Black Swan?

Me: We could start there. That movie was stupid. Stupid! Maybe it didn't help that I had an idea of what was happening the whole time, even though I still don't know what happened.  Or that I knew the ending. But it was STUPID! I just wasted one hour and 48  minutes of my life when I could have been watching my DVR.

Me: Speaking of DVR, Franklin & Bash is FUNNY.

B: You watch Franklin & Bash?

Me: YES! And it is FUNNY.  Really, how could you go wrong with the comedic timing of Breckin Meyer and John Paul Gosselar.

B: Mark-Paul

Me: What?

B: His name is Mark-Paul not John Paul.

Me: John Paul sounds more French.

B: He is not French.

Me: Yes, he is. I looked it up. French Canadian.*

B: You looked him up and you still don't know his name?

Me: Whatever? Next up. My butt hurts like I walked many miles in it but really it is just from sitting on my ass. I don't know if that is sad or awesome so I am going with awesome.

Me: Also, I had a dream last night that Chester lost an eyeball. He scooted into the room holding it out to me. I alternated between screaming AHHHHHHHHH and saying "it will be okay Chester."  Guess who didn't come to help me although he was in the next room? That's right! You!  OUR CAT HAD NO EYEBALL. NO EYEBALL!!!

B:  Going to bed?

Me: Yep.

B: Night.

Me: Night.

/scene

*Actually he is not French or Canadian or even French Canadian. He was born to a Dutch born father and an Indonesian born mother. What up with the hypenated French sounding name parents? Way to confuse someone who is only half paying attention.**

**Yes, I had to go look that up. Again!

Quick Poll as This Year Comes to an End to Determine Whether You Know B and I

While everyone else in the blogosphere is focusing on the new year, resolutions, and reliving the past, I like to focus on what is really important - what I plan on doing tonight. 

Not much.

How fun was that? It will undoubtedly involve watching movies, flipping TV channels and surfing the net. B has to work, although he will be home before midnight.

In honor of my huge plans, I bring you a post I wrote in June. No kidding.  Be prepared for more of that in 2011.  New Year/Old Posts. That's my new slogan.

So...

The following movies were just shipped to our house by Netflix:

1. Daybreakers

2. Capturing the Killer Croc

3. Descent: Part 2

4. 2012

So, my faithful blog readers, which 2 movies belong to B and which two belong to me? I think this might be an easy one, but you never know.

Bonus points to the person who can guess who in this house is receiving the following movie:

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

What say you, readers?

Whether you are staying in and watching movies, going out and partying, watching the ball drop, or sleeping through the New Year, stay safe and have a great time.

From our family to yours,

Knock, Knock: Housekeeping!

Just a brief message to clue you into some changes on the blog. Nothing major by any means, just a few additions.

As I told you previously, I have been writing review's for Daemon's TV.  When I first started, I would do the breakthrough posts to let you know that a new review was posted.  After a few weeks I found that a bit too disruptive.  Also, I started writing more things for Daemon's and wanted to create a special space for those things as well.  

So, pages was born.  I have created pages over <----- there to the left that I update when anything new happens. There is a page for all of my TV reviews, updated weekly with each show.  There is a page for a recent series of articles I am writing about my all time favorite TV shows. There is a page for upcoming fall shows (so excited!). Other pages will be added a needed.

So, if you watch TV as much as I do, go over to the left and see what I am up to and what I think about what I am watching. I would love to hear what you think too!

*I am sure this is not the last format change for the blog. If anyone knows of an excellent blog designer, let me know!

It is Like that Movie Mean Girls Except No One Knows What the Hell I Am Talking About!

The other day I was at a fundraiser with people from work. I looked over and gasped* when I saw a guy that looked like the principal** in Mean Girls. Here, I have a clip below - fast forward to 3:17, unless you really love Mean Girls and want to watch all of the scenes like I do. Word of warning, there is loud music involved with this video for some unknown reason so mute on your speakers would be a good idea.

Principal:

Anyway, back to the fundraiser. Enter the principal guy, but quite a bit taller. Enter my huge gasp. Then enter a big fat FAIL when no one there had ever seen Mean Girls!

Are you kidding me?

One of the greatest movies, in my opinion, and definitely one of the greatest movies Lindsay Lohan has ever been in (and probably ever will be).

I just wanted to scream "BOO! Whore."*** But what was the point? They never saw the movie.

That made me sad. I even found the youngest person there and he hadn't seen it. Yes, he was a guy. But B has seen Mean Girls.

Hasn't everyone? Please tell me that my office is some kind of anomaly and that everyone else on Earth has seen this movie at least once (or 500 times like myself)?

I refuse to believe otherwise.

*I gasp a lot. Seriously. B loves it. He really loves it when he makes me gasp. And I mean that in a totally non-sexual way. Pervs!

**Then they kept asking me what his name is - I don't know! (It is Tim Meadows). Then they would ask what other movies he was in - a lot! I don't know their names! (turns out not that many, but a lot of TV show appearances).

**What's your favorite line from Mean Girls? I want a bunch of Mean Girls comment quotes!!

When I Pictured Myself the Star of a Movie, I Didn't Think it Would be This One

The other day I came home and opened our pantry to find that all of the boxes on the top shelf were neatly placed on the shelf in descending order according to height rather than the jumbled mess I usually leave it. Apparently B had been to work.

Me: So, I see that you reorganized the pantry...

B: Yep.

Me: And all of the boxes are in order of height...

B: Yep.

Me: How very Sleeping With the Enemy of You

B: [blank stare]

Me: Remember when he declared all of the cans had to face front, and all of the towels had to hang evenly? And then if not, Julia Roberts got beat? Should I be worried?

B: When it comes to organization, I like to think of YOU as the enemy.

I don't know what he means.

Apparently I Am Still Psychic. This is Good News. But Only for Celebrities.

The other day I was driving down the street, which is a time when all good thoughts find me, when I was suddenly slapped by this thought:

Madonna is now single. Sean Penn is now single. They really loved each other once. I wonder if they will get back together again. Remember that time he punched out the paps? He can be rather mean. Or tough. How sexy.

Okay, that was more than one thought. But, then I came home and I read this.

Well, well, well. I am on to something. My psychic ability knows no bounds. Unless you consider only the lives of celebrities as a bounds. Frankly, I don't. However, I am at a loss at to how to make this newfound ability profitable. Thoughts?

While you are thinking about that, let's discuss something else important and which probably made me think of Madonna and Sean Penn in the first place.

Dexter.

If you don't know this already, John Lithgow was on the latest season of Dexter playing a psychopath. I won't tell you what happens because I hate when people do that and the show is really not the point of this post. The point? B is convinced that John Lithgow is a serial killer in real life because he played one so well on TV. This led me to ponder what roles I see as being that of the "true" actor/actress. Here is what I have come up with:

Sean Penn is the character he played in Mystic River. See above.

Kate Hudson is her character from Almost Famous.

Sarah Michelle Gellar is the character from Buffy, but I think we all know and would agree with that.

Christian Bale is the character from American Psycho. Honestly, he can scare me. Did you hear that on-set rant?

Brad Pitt is his character from Seven. I know Brad would like me to say the character from the Oceans 11 franchise, but, sorry Brad, it isn't so.

The Official Legal Argument as to Zombies

I know you are thinking to yourself, how did Dani get the official legal argument on zombies? Does such thing exist? Where did this occur? In court, of course. Silly readers. Where else do legal arguments form? Here's what happened.

After the judge granted my motion without my doing anything beyond uttering my name, I had to make my way back to chambers to get the order entered. I walked in to find the judge's law clerks staring intently at a computer saying such things as "HA HA" and "WHOA." I looked over their shoulders and realized that they were watching the Zombieland trailer. About four minutes later, and after the female attorney behind me had left in disgust, the trailer was over. As the clerks pondered how entertaining and fun that movie will be and where they could find more trailers to watch, one of them happened to see me out of the corner of his eye:

Clerk1: Well, hello.

Me: Hi.

Clerk1: Need to enter an order?

Me: Yep.

Clerk2: How long were you standing there?

Me: For half the trailer.

Clerks collectively: Ohhh....

Me: I think that looks like a good movie, very entertaining.

Clerk2: So you will be going to the premiere?

Me: Probably not the premiere, but at least the movie.

Clerk1: What if the judge orders you to go to the premiere?

Me: What if...the judge...ORDERS me to go to the Zombieland premiere?

Clerk1: Yeah, he likes movies.

Me: But does he like zombies?

Clerk1: I don't know....

Me: Really? Does anyone LIKE zombies? I mean we like to watch movies about zombies but no one is all "Oh I want to be a zombie, those things are cool."

Clerk1: Some people like zombies...

Me: Like who? Everyone likes to watch zombies get killed. Zombies are not fun or nice or cool.

Clerk2: What about Shaun of the Dead.

Me: What about it?

Clerk2: His friend in the end was a cool zombie.

Me: Well, he's the exception.

And then I left with my order.

In other news, for those that like zombies, you can now have your very own lawn ornament. How cool would this look? I am going to convince B we need to buy it.

Lawn ornament - $89.95

Shipping - $15.25

Faces of our neighbors when the wonder who the hell let us buy in this neighborhood? Priceless

Zombie of Montclair Moors (from SkyMall of course!)

Just a Little Slice of Life...

{One evening late at night in the Riddler household a woman enters the room to find her husband engrossed in his laptop}

Me: What I am about to say to you is VERY important.

B: Okay.

Me: Are you listening?

B: Yes.

Me: I need you to watch Quantum of Solace so I can mail it back to Netflix as those bastards are sending you two new movies and me none.

B: I already mailed it back.

Me: When?

B: Today. YOU mailed it back! I gave it to you! You took it to the office!

Me: Huh.

Me: Thanks.

{Woman exits room walking tall and strong as if she just made a point}

Live Twittering of the Oscars...Kind of

As I did for the Golden Globes, I decided that once again I would join my fellow twitterers and tweet the Oscars live. That is until I got locked out. Angry would be putting it mildly. Enjoy the highlights of my observations on Oscar night!

Right off the start, a quote from an Oscar nominee:

"if you have a mind and a brain?" Aren't those the same thing? 

6:59 PM Feb 22nd from web

The weird football like play of fashion, complete with drawings on screen:

The football like drawings on her legs is kind of creepy 

7:00 PM Feb 22nd from web

Is that woman in the background with the sparkly dress GLARING at this woman? Girl I don't see you being nominated for an Oscar 

7:01 PM Feb 22nd from web

not preparing a speech is now considered "organic"? 

7:02 PM Feb 22nd from web

well that is kind of rude "I heard you wanted this REALLY badly. How badly did you want it?" Way to make him sound desperate Ryan

7:03 PM Feb 22nd from web

Ryan will provide me with plenty of fodder I can see 

7:03 PM Feb 22nd from web

Yes, Ryan - Leo and Kate only exist in the movie Titanic. Good lord 

7:04 PM Feb 22nd from web

maybe we can get another creepy shot of Heidi's leg 

7:04 PM Feb 22nd from web

I really like Heidi's hair even though it doesn't look like she did anything to it 

7:05 PM Feb 22nd from web

"Red from the live carpet right here...." good job Ryan

7:10 PM Feb 22nd from web

I think he is saying that even though SJP could do no wrong, she did some wrong. Well you are wrong 

7:11 PM Feb 22nd from web

Mickey Rourke tries to distract us from his face by his hair and outfits. Um, not working 

7:11 PM Feb 22nd from web

SJP look like a princess 

7:11 PM Feb 22nd from web

now THAT is a statement necklace Amy Adams. Love it 

7:12 PM Feb 22nd from web

"freeze that right there" - it is LIVE. oh boy

7:12 PM Feb 22nd from web

RDJ will not win for Tropic Thunder. And he was good. You cannot beat a ghost RDJ. Even if you are RDJ 

7:14 PM Feb 22nd from web

WTF? How pure is Amy Adams? Ryan is an asshole with these questions 

7:14 PM Feb 22nd from web

This isn't charades Ryan. Learn to ask a question and not put them on the spot. Amy Adams has done more than 2 movies 

7:15 PM Feb 22nd from web

RPatts hair is just wrong. It is in the in between stage and is just wrong 

7:16 PM Feb 22nd from web

Okay Matthew Broderick's hair is WAY crazier than Rpatts. What happened to this man? 

7:18 PM Feb 22nd from web

Ryan wishes Seth was fighting his way toward him 

7:19 PM Feb 22nd from web

apparently there is absolutely nothing else to discuss with Seth Rogan other than his weight loss? Movies anyone? 

7:20 PM Feb 22nd from web

way to know about the stars you are interviewing Ryan. Marisa has had 3 nominations and 1 win. Not just My cousin Vinnie 

7:26 PM Feb 22nd from web

Ryan is a star stalker. Really. 

7:27 PM Feb 22nd from web

that was an awkward shake your hand, do a gang sign, college frat boy maneuver with Mickey Rourke 

7:28 PM Feb 22nd from web

how is it ironic to have your dog die when you are nominated for an award? Explain 

7:28 PM Feb 22nd from web

I love Diane Lane. So gorgeous But I always think of her on the staircase in that movie Unfaithful 

7:30 PM Feb 22nd from web

For once I think Jessica Biel looks hot. Okay, maybe twice 

7:32 PM Feb 22nd from web

I wish Ron Howard had more hair. He still has such a baby face. Adorable 

7:33 PM Feb 22nd from web

Run Marion! Ryan might be a stalker 

7:34 PM Feb 22nd from web

I would have never recognized Peter Gabriel. I still love his songs though 

7:35 PM Feb 22nd from web

Ryan is lucky she is wearing a perfume. Otherwise he would just be creepy. Oh wait! He still is 

7:36 PM Feb 22nd from web

I wonder if Evan Rachel Wood is going to avoid Mickey lest the rumours of their wicked affair reignite 

7:37 PM Feb 22nd from web

Please stop screaming. Please - it is just Brad and Angie. They DON'T KNOW YOU! 

7:38 PM Feb 22nd from web

Ryan "tell me about your movie" which really means, I will interrupt you one second after you begin to talk 

7:43 PM Feb 22nd from web

What the heck is up with that hat Philip Seymour Hoffman? You look more than ridiculous! 

7:43 PM Feb 22nd from web

Marion thinks Ryan is an idiot. You are not alone Marion. 

7:44 PM Feb 22nd from web

quick poll - will Brad and Angelina 1 avoid Ryan, 2 be rude to Ryan, or be 3 be nice to Ryan. Hard to decide  [Note: #3 for Brad and #1 for Angie]

7:45 PM Feb 22nd from web

who was Angelina leading around just now? Certainly wasn't Brad for once

7:48 PM

stop with predictions. I want more dresses! 

7:54 PM Feb 22nd from web

What was that? Did Brad blow Ryan off and why was it not aired? 

7:58 PM Feb 22nd from web

RDJ cannot stand Ryan, can you tell? 

7:59 PM Feb 22nd from web

maybe ABC will do better with the red carpet. Hi HDTV I love you 

8:01 PM Feb 22nd from web

I cannot imagine calling Anthony Hopkins "tony" it doesn't seem to fit 

8:05 PM Feb 22nd from web

no brush off by Brad and Angelina on this channel. What does that tell you Ryan? 

8:06 PM

I didn't understand a word Valentino just said. I may have been sleeping 

8:10 PM Feb 22nd from web

Mickey just spit on his own lip. Kind of gross. Story about Loki? endearing 

8:12 PM Feb 22nd from web

Zac - slicked back hair. NOT GOOD. You look greasier than Mickey Rourke. Really. 

8:13 PM Feb 22nd from web

Miley has quite the deep voice. Opposite of her dress 

8:15 PM Feb 22nd from web

Sometimes Anne Hathaway is pretty, other times not so much. It is always puzzling to me 

8:16 PM Feb 22nd from web

I bet those briefcases are empty. Like half of the people I work with 

8:20 PM Feb 22nd from web

oh no. I do not like the bottom of Marisa's gown. No to pleats - just say NO! 

8:24 PM Feb 22nd from web

James Franco didn't look so happy giving that standing ovation

8:38 PM Feb 22nd from web

yes Mickey looks great. not at all creepy and disturbing 

8:40 PM Feb 22nd from web

perhaps open the curtains BEFORE the montage begins? 

8:41 PM Feb 22nd from web

I like these five past winners announcing nominees 

8:44 PM Feb 22nd from web

I get the feeling that if it is not about RDJ, RDJ is bored 

8:45 PM Feb 22nd from web

Goldie - your boobs need to be controlled. Really. You are not your daughter's age! 

8:46 PM Feb 22nd from web

I have no idea who will win best supporting actress 

8:47 PM Feb 22nd from web

WHAT? that does not seem right. Not right Penelope 

8:47 PM Feb 22nd from web

8:50 p.m. THE moment we have been waiting for Jen Aniston. Will she give angelina the stink eye? 

8:51 p.m. they don't even have pretty girls handing out Oscars. Is that part of the recession? 

8:59 p.m. slam against Scientology. Score 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

9:00 - got locked out of Twitter for updating too much WTF? Since when? It was the Scientologists I know it. they are behind everything and I happened to mention them in one of my tweets.

9:05 how will the world survive without my tweets? I am pissed and told B who laughed at me for 10 minutes straight

9:18 watching the Oscars and seeing others twitter about it makes me sad. So does the boring acceptance speech for Curious Case of Benjamin Button

9:19 so was Hugh Jackman just there for the beginning or what? I haven't seen him since he stopped dancing. Do you think he is somewhere recovering?

9:20 - the Duchess? I wasn't even aware any part of this movie was in the running for anything

9:21 And then it wins for best costume design. I guess all of my predictions were off

9:22 I fell asleep. Acceptance speeches bore me. Where is Jennifer Aniston/Jack Black when you need them? Or Tina Fey/Steve Martin? Anyone?

9:23 That dress makes SJP boobs look huge. I am obsessed with boobs. It is a problem.

9:24 Awww Heath :(

9:24 The Curious Case of Benjamin Button wins for makeup. As it should be. Fantastic job. Never saw the movie but the pics were fantastic.

9:25 By my calculations, I cannot tweet again until 10 pm or after. Still pissed about that

9:25 God Amanda Seyfried has gorgeous hair. RPatts not so much .But he works it.

9:28 Thank God for commercials. I have to pee

9:31 - oh hi Hugh Jackman, where have you been hiding for the past hour or so?

9:31 Ben Stiller - love the Joaquin impersonation. Is Joaquin in the house?

9:35 - dude you are about to give an acceptance speech. Brushing your hair and not curling it oddly to the sides would have been a good idea. You look like you have wings. WINGS

9:38 B's love just came on - Jessica Biel. I repeat, she looks good tonight.

9:40 vented to B about my lack of Twitter (still!) and Penelope winning best supporting actress "boobs always win, especially if they speak spanish." I have no idea what that means.

9:43 how long can the Franco/Rogan high train last before we all get sick of it? Oh, 6 months ago. That's right

9:45 I hope they don't parody their parody. That would be tragic. And not funny.

9:46 i think the only thing Seth knows how to say is "Judd Apatow" I have heard him say it at least three times tonight. He knows where his bread is buttered.

9:47 you would think that someone that goes to college ahem *James Franco* ahem would not intentionally mispronounce the name of a foreign film. Think again.

9:48 black bowtie on black shirt on black suit. Monochromatic to the extreme.

9:53 Another song and dance number with Hugh Jackman. I don't know if I can take it.

9:54 Now it involves Beyonce. It is official - I CANNOT TAKE IT. MAKE IT STOP.

9:55 Wait the Grease song is involved. Just like that, I am back in. Love you Beyonce.

9:55 Twitter lets me back in. Now I just want to ignore it. Bitter much?

9:56 now those High School Musical kids? I am back out. MAKE IT STOP

9:57 wait! Girl from Big Love. Back in

10:00 still mad at Twitter and not tweeting GRRR

10:03 wow that first guy is really short (presenting best supporting actor). And I dont think I know any of these actors. That is sad.

10:05 Okay, I know Cuba Gooding, Jr. Speaking of stroke of genius - having him cover RDJ's Tropical Thunder nomination

10:06 Okay, I know Christopher Walken too. And this guy speaking but not his name. Two out of five isnt that bad

10:08 Of course Heath won. as he should.

10:10 Heath's sister almost made me cry. So moving.

10:16 why is that guy that bolted to the stage wearing that crazy scarf?

10:22 Tom Cruise does commercials now. Is that what it has come to?

10:28 I am totally bored.

and that was the end of my twittering/blogging and watching the Oscars. I did not see Best Actress, Best Actor, or even Best Movie.  Doesn't matter. I predicted correctly - Kate Winslet, Sean Penn, Slumdog Millionaire.

Now where's my prize?

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

I will never think the same of this saying ever again.  I blame independent films in general and IFC specifically.  It all started out as a normal lazy Saturday day. The kind where I lay around and do nothing other than sleep, occasionally broken up by getting wrapped up in some movie that I just CANNOT stop watching.  

Independent movies are awesome.  They are edgier and deeper. Sometimes you can see well known actors/actresses in atypical roles.  You feel pretty elite and uber smart watching them. Until you watch the movie entitled "Sleeping Dogs Lie."  The guide on the TV said something like "a young girl's past indiscretion ruins her relationship" or something. I swear I was not even clued in by the title, but I got a clue in the first five minutes.  Let me put this to you delicately - young girl, foolish perhaps, alone in dorm room, with her dog, ewwwwww. Got it?  Use your imagination and then make it worse.  Luckily THAT scene did not play out in the movie.  And as crazy as this is, I continued to watch it. The rest of the movie centered on her insane desire to be COMPLETELY honest with her fiance prior to marriage. She gets all kinds of advice from people encouraging her to be honest without any clue as to her "secret."  She tells.  She is overheard. Her parents are told.  Hilarity ensues.  No, really, horror ensues.  

I watched the entire movie.

Is there something wrong with me?  Seriously. This was almost as bad as the time I got sucked up in the movie that went something like this - mom with broken leg, son caring for mom, cabin in the middle of nowhere, dad away on work trip, ewwwwww.  What is with these movies? What is with me watching them? 

About 3/4 of the way through the movie, B comes home, looks at the TV and says "I know what this is."   Let me give you some back story.  B thinks he is the king of movies.  It is true, you can ask him.  In fact, when we first started dating, he bragged about this incessantly.  He actually challenged me to name 5 movies that he hadn't seen that were not "chick flicks, stupid, or very old." I did.  I found 5.  I won.  He conveniently does not remember that entire conversation.  However, it occurred and I demoted him to the prince of movies.  So, quite often, while I am watching a movie, he will come in and declare he has seen it, attempt to name it within 30 seconds and if he is right shout "Ha!"  Um, okay.  

Back to this movie.  B insists he has seen it.  I say "Ha! I know you have not seen THIS one" thinking there is NO way this boy saw this movie.  He doesn't even like independent flicks.  He turns to me and says "oh yeah? It is the movie where the girl and her dog...."  I about fell out of my chair.  He really saw this movie!  Later, when I just wanted to know what happened and was getting bored, I asked him to tell me and he could. B sat through the ENTIRE movie! What is wrong with him? What is wrong with me?  Are we just some crazy obsessed sexually inappropriate movie lovers? Or are we uber smart, sophisticated and cultured?  

I say the latter.

P.S. Sorry Moms for the subject matter. Yes, I have two Moms. No they are not gay. Didn't we cover this already?