Survey Says...This Is the Most Ridiculous Answer Yet

I like to answer surveys in my spare time.  Typically I get points that I can turn into gift cards or cash.  It takes forever to get a reward, but I don't mind. It only takes about a half hour a week or so.  Usually I don't meet the criteria. I think I am getting old. B likes to make fun of my "second job" and will say things like "Nice making $3.00 for an hour's worth of your time."  Well, that is $3 he doesn't have, right? Also, I multitask while answering.

So as to the point of this post, sometimes the survey givers like to make sure you are paying attention. They will throw in some question like "pick answer B."  I am quite adept at spotting those and moving through. However, the other day, one particular question and, more specifically the answers, made me do a double take:

Which of the following major life events have occurred within your immediate family (you or your parents, spouse, or children) within the last six months:

An engagement 

A wedding

Retirement

Graduation from college

The birth of a child

The purchase of a new home

Traveled to outer space

None of these

Did you read that bolded answer?  "Traveled to outer space" seems like a logical response to "What have you done in the last six months?"  Are you kidding me? 

I am curious. How does one go about traveling to outer space? Is it only through alien abduction or the Space Shuttle? What about now that the Space Shuttle has been put out of service? More importantly, you know that a LOT of people chose that as an answer and not in an ironic kind of way. WAY too many people.

That reminds me of a segment on a morning radio show recently that challenged its listeners to find one of them that had actually had contact with an alien.  There was the usual bright lights, weirdly shaped floating football shaped flying machines and almond eyed aliens at the end of beds.  Then there was the lady who posed this question:

If these aliens are so advanced, why do they only visit and not stick around?

I am pretty sure the answer is contained within the question, don't you think? 

What's That Spammer? You Want to Give Me Money as a Woman of the Day? Thanks! Wait. What?

I recently received the following spam email. At my work email address, no less. I must say that this is one of the funniest I have received in a while. I should also let you know that the subject was "Dear In-Christ." Of course, that is what caught my eye. Of course, I have absolutely no idea what that means. Since when has that ever stopped me?

For your viewing and deciphering pleasure:

Dear Sir/Madam,

My name is Mrs Doris C. E, am 75yrs old of age, i stay in new york city, USA.I am a good merchant, I have several industrial companies and good share in various banks in the world.I spend all my life on investment and coporate business. all the way ilost my husband and two beautiful kids in fatal accident that occur in november 5th 2003.

I am a very greedy woman with all cost i dont know much and care about people, since when I have an experience of my it difficult to sleep and give rest. later in the year 2006 febuary i was sent a letter of medical check up, as my personal doctor testify that i have a lung cancer, which can easily take off my life soon. I found it uneasy to survive myself, because a lot of my investment cannot be run and manage by me again.I quickly call up a pastor/prophet to give me positive thinking on this solution, as my adviser. He minister to me to share my properties ,wealth, to motherless baby/orphanage homes/people that need money for survivor both student that need money/ business woman and man for their investment and for future rising.

So therfore i am writing this letter to people who are really need help from me both student in college, to contact me urgently. so that i can make available preparation on that.especially women of the day, who are divorcedby their husband, why they cannot survive the mist of feeding theirself.

please contact me and stop weeping. probably let me now what you really need the money for, and if you can still help me to distribute money to nearest orhanages homes near your town.now am so much with God, am now born again.May the lord bless you, as you reach me,please to remind you,dont belongs to scammers or any act of fraudlent on internet. I will give more information to you as i await your response immediately to this email address.

I have removed her name and email address for fear that you would be persuaded by this finely written and moving request to accept one billion dollars. I don't know about you, but when I hear about a very greedy woman who tragically lost her family that she didn't care about and then was told she was dying and didn't have much time FOUR YEARS ago and now wants to give me her fortune because I may be a (1) a motherless baby, (2) orphanage home, (3) people that need money for survivor, (4) both student that need money, and (5) business woman for my future rising, I must take advantage of such offer. It also doesn't hurt that I am a (1) woman of the day, (2) divorced by my husband, (3) that cannot survive in the mist of feeding myself. It is almost like she knows me!

So, tell me...how exactly can one be a motherless baby? Even if your mother isn't around, she still exists, unless she was killed in a car accident in 2003 and then that is just tragic. However, I doubt a baby can type. If it can, it don't need your damn money lady. It is also awfully nice of her to offer money to the producers of Survivor (although they don't need it), the two students that need money and the business woman who apparently is dead, but will rise again? Maybe that is what she meant with the subject of "in-christ."

Well, that is all. I cannot go on with this post any longer as I am waiting for The Mist (great movie) so I can survive and feed myself. Maybe then I can stop weeping.

I am awfully hungry right now.

*Spell check had a field day with that letter. I left it as I received it. For autenticity reasons, of course. The humor was just a bonus.

It Really Isn't Easter Until You Have Insulted the Easter Bunny in a Passive-Aggressive Letter

Good things happen when computers break. It is true, just ask my Mom. Her computer broke about a month ago and it took about a week to fix. She said she would be okay. She was wrong. Toward the end of the week she started cleaning! Cleaning! I told the computer guy to put a rush on her computer. He got it to me the next day.

Good things come when your Mom's computer is broken and she starts cleaning. What good things? Oh maybe letters you wrote as a kid that she dug up from some old trunk in the garage that until that moment in time was mainly used as an indicator that your car was up as far as it could go. The trunk is kind of dented.

Good things come in letters written by children. Especially letters to the Easter Bunny. Do children even write letters to the Easter Bunny? Where do you send it? I need answers! I should have answers because as you can see below I wrote one myself. Wherever it was supposed to be sent, it obviously just went to my Mom. I don't mean to ruin the surprise, but I am pretty sure she was the Easter Bunny. Don't tell the children.

I would like to say I was very young when I wrote this. However, I signed my name in cursive. Also? It is quite deep for a child. Peruse for yourself:

In case you cannot read that clearly, it says:

Dear Easter Bunny,
I, Yesterday watched: the Easter Bunny is coming to town. It was cute, but some of it was scary. Have a Happy Easter. You know what Easter is really when Jesus died on the cross, not really eggs and other stuff like jelly beans and things. I think you shouldn't even come to kids houses because you know it's really to think about Jesus and when he died. But it's still fun having you.






And the second page...

My bedroom is a MESS. I still want you to come. I LOVE YOU.

Danielle

That, my friends, is the very definition of Catholic guilt. When your religious side clashes with your secular side at such a young age, there is nothing to do than to try to rectify it by insulting the Easter Bunny while inviting him into your messy bedroom. Just like the Catholic church. Or dating.

So, with that, I hope that the Easter Bunny visited your house, messy or not, and brought eggs and jelly beans and all that "stuff." Or, if you are religious, I hope you thought a lot about Jesus and his death.

But I hope he didn't visit your house literally. That would have the makings of a bad horror flick.*

*Is there such a thing as religious horror genre for films like a religious porn genre?**

**Wait. Is there a religious porn genre? Don't tell me if there is. I liked it better when I didn't know the answer.

Vicky Runs My Life. As She Should Because She is Good at It. Is She Listening?

Vicky came to me on Christmas morning in the hands of B. She was wrapped in a little box and I knew exactly what she was. Probably because B asked me a month prior if I wanted her, informed me when he ordered her, and told me when she arrived at the house. Mystery runs deep with that one.

Vicky is my new BFF. She is very knowledgeable. It is almost like she has a huge database in her head. She also speaks perfect English. As a result, right away I knew her name must be Victoria. However, since we became such fast friends, I now call her Vicky for short.

Victoria, or Vicky for short, is my new Garmin nuvi 205, or GPS for short.* She is currently my most treasured possession. Of course, she is also my most dangerous possession. Really! I no longer have to think at all. I put in the address and Vicky gets me there. She tells me when to turn, even issuing up to two warnings before reaching the desired turn mark.

You can't outsmart Vicky. If you decide you do not like her route, which is always the best route by the way**, she will simply speak to you in her perfect English and say "Recalculating" and the next thing you know, Vicky has a new route planned and is calmly telling you when to turn and where to go without even a hint of anger in her voice.

How is Vicky dangerous, you ask? Well, every time I use her, I rely on her that much more. Go ahead. Ask me how to get to my mother's house that I have driven to every week (and sometimes twice) for the past 6 years. I DON'T KNOW. I can tell you the route I used to take before Vicky came in my life, but that would be the INCORRECT ROUTE.

And when I forget Vicky? DISASTER. Sometimes I don't turn where I need to because I don't hear her voice saying "Turn now." Then when I realize that I missed my turn I start screaming "RECALCULATE" but, sadly, there is no one there to do this for me. So I drive aimlessly around moaning Vicky's name quietly or until something starts to look familiar. Like our driveway because I was just down the block.

Seriously, though, Vicky is wonderful. B and I were driving around looking at Christmas lights with Jersey (who was thrilled as you can imagine) and just having the map on the dash helped when B instructed me to turn down a dead end road. When I told him it was a dead end, he replied "I suppose so." No, it IS A DEAD END ROAD. VICKY SAID SO!!

Yes, B made fun of me the first day for arguing with Vicky - "Yes, I HEAR you. I will turn" or "I can't turn there is a RED LIGHT" - until he drove with her and soon did the same thing. However, he soon came to realize Vicky's infinite wisdom and even took her on a field trip with his parents. Now, when faced with a tough question, even those not about driving, we often ask ourselves "What would Vicky do?"

The answer is always: Turn right now.

And so we do.

*I don't know if that is technically the short version, but all the cool kids call it that.

**It is always the best route because Vicky tells me it is.

***You do NOT argue with Vicky.

***help

We're Swingers!

We got the porch swing!! If you remember, one of the things I loved about our house when we were thinking about purchasing it was the swing on the back porch. B and I sat there and contemplated buying the house and it gave me the best memory. Of course, the former owners took the porch swing with them when they left. I would like to begrudge them, but I know I probably would have done the same. Especially since I think theirs may have been hand made. Ours is from Lowe's. I promise to love it just the same.

Check out the 5 foot beauty:

Yes, the concrete on our back porch is ugly as hell. One day we will remedy that.

So after telling me that it was MY job to get the porch swing and that I should do it the next day, B drove us straight to Lowe's after dinner. In the middle of a rainstorm. With hail. Because you know that is the perfect time to buy a swing.

However, B was the perfect gentlemen and dropped me off under a canopy. At the opposite end of the story. After walking about a mile, I caught up with him and the swing hunt was on. We also looked at grills, but that is a purchase for a different day. By the time we got home it was dark. Later, as I was about to fall asleep in my chair, B called me down to show me that he had put the swing together and hung it - in the dark. Here is proof of his efforts as he adjusted it:

And here it is in all of its fine glory:

And this is what crooked blinds neighbor guy will see when I sit there in the swing in the mornings eating breakfast and pondering why he won't just FIX HIS BLINDS!

I cannot wait for summertime on the porch. Now, if only I had a laptop...

You Say You Are in Trouble Spammer...How Can I Help?

We all get the spam emails asking us to assist an unknown "friend" or "colleague" with releasing funds, obtaining funds, spending funds, all with just a small upfront cost to us. These emails are nothing new and I usually do not bother reading them. This one, however, I received today at my work email address which is rare in and of itself. The subject captivated me to actually open it. It said:

"The Oakland Chief United States Attorney has been under investigation for rape crimes"

Wow! That is a LONG subject line, but it sounds serious. I think we need to read on:

Dear Congressman/Senator: [Look out! I have been promoted. No longer am I a mere attorney, I am now a Congressman or Senator. Which one is anyone's guess. I feel so elected. Although I was not]

As most of the Legislative Branch members already know, the Oakland Chief United States Attorney has been under investigation for rape crimes since 2006. [News to me and it appears I am in that branch. Huh. ] Further, we all already know that the folks who reside at [redacted] are prejudice and smoked/terrorized their former African-American neighbor next-door. [Okay, there are some bad neighbors at that address who apparently tried to smoke their next door neighbor because they are prejudiced. Did they actually try to smoke him like a cigarette or is that slang? I was leaning toward slang but the professional styling of this email makes me believe otherwise.] I am still patiently waiting for Justice into my wife's rape incident [also redacted] - my wife was raped by Federal Agents. [There is a lot of BAD stuff going on in this place. Watch out people. Um, and why was his wife raped by federal agents? Was she terrorizing the next door neighbor? Is she the next door neighbor? Next door to who? I am so confused, yet frightened.] I asked for restraining orders over 2 years ago. [I am thinking if my wife was raped by federal agents, I probably wouldn't go asking that same branch for a restraining order. Hell, she was raped by the Chief! How can you get any higher? Also, we all know restraining orders don't stop anything. Poor Leonor.]

There are LACERATIONS in the ASSES of innocent women and I have to "KISS ASS" in order to get an Independent Special Prosecutor appointed? [Wait, um, what??? Lacerations in the asses of innocent women? Are those hemorrhoids? Thank God I am not innocent, those sound painful. ] Why were innocent women across the Bay Area under duress by way of Direct Energy Weapons? [Wow. Now the women are under duress by direct energy weapons? Those sound powerful and duressful. They also sound made up and from Futurama.] Can we put a stop to this kind of abuse? [Apparently not.] Do I need a lobbyist? [Nope. I am thinking of a different kind of professional altogether] It should be noted that the former Attorney General is also involved in this sex scandal. [Well you are screwed then. If all the branches are involved and they are using Weapons of Mass Destruction, the innocent women will continue to have lacerations in their asses I am afraid.]

Spammer

Whistleblower [How's that for a title?]

Direct [redacted]

UPDATE: The Department of Justice has yet to submit a monetary settlement to my former wife and self -- for the retaliation I received for reporting my wife's rape incident. [Is she your wife or your former wife? What retaliation did you receive and did it involve lacerations in your ass? Oh, and since it was the federal agents involved in the rape, they probably are not going to give you any money. Criminals are bastards like that.]

cc: National/International News Media [Gotta get the press on this. Contacting your Congressman/Senator is just not enough these days]

MAKE A $25.00 DONATION BY VISITING

www.WHISTLEBLOWERBURT.COM [Um, Spammer, you spelled your name wrong. Just thought you should know. $25.00 will buy a lot of hemorrhoid creme]

Sadly, I was not the only recipient of this email. A Google search revealed that it has been circulating on:

1. Craig's list

2. Via fax

3. On a mentaldisability website - score one for proper placement Bert/Burt/Whistleblower

And that is how I started off my day. It ended with the afternoon off. Brilliant start to finish. Thanks Burt!

**Update from me - I have removed all identifying names from this spam email in the event that any of the names are associated with actual persons.

Just a Phone Call Away...

As I sit here surfing the internet and trying to think about what I will blog about next (and just about to go into the archives a/k/a post it notes and my notebook), my phone rings.

It is B.

He is downstairs.

In our house.

Me: Who is THIS?

B: Hey.

Me: Yes?

B: What's up?

Me: Where are you?

B: Downstairs.

Me: That is completely ridiculous.

B: I thought you might say that.

Now I hear him talking to someone else.

I wonder if he called the cat.

And My Office is Born

Just like with the bedroom, Phishez also guessed my office correctly. I picked the green room.  I just loved the green color. And although B repainted the room, I chose another green color.  So now it will be my new relaxing office/TV room.  Unlike B's TV room, however, my TV is not yet mounted to the wall. B assures me that is coming.  Pictures will follow as this room evolves some more, but I am so behind with our picture progress, it is getting crazy. Things are changing every day around here, even if they are little changes.  So here goes.  

The original green room:

The original green room had a sandy gritty green paint. It mellowed the green and gave it a somewhat sponged look which I liked, but it needed to be repainted, the grit was a bit too much and I wasnt about to sponge, so this is the new color, pretty close:

And those floors looke nice right? (Aside from the dust).  See that desk? That is B's desk from when he was like 8.  In fact, when his parents came to visit the other day they remarked that B must really love me to allow me to even touch his desk. Apparently they were not allowed to go near it when he lived with them.  Well, he must REALLY love me because he is letting me use it permanently (well temporarily permanently? until I find something else).  During the transition stage, I found that I rather liked the desk in the middle of the room or off to the side. It works perfectly with B's desk because the hutch goes up the left and can rest against the wall. My desk had a huge hutch on the back and was generally larger.  B will be using my desk until we sort it all out. Not that he is in that office much. He is usually found in the downstairs TV room.

How nice does that desk look? I just need a more comfortable chair and I will be blogging to you more often and more relaxed.  Below is my view of the TV from my desk.  Also, you can see I am starting to unpack things, mainly books. Unpacking is a work in progress:

That ugly chair and ottoman? The previous owners left it behind. And even though it is all chewed up, I claimed it for my own because I like the lines. One day I hope to have it redone, but until then, I just need some slipcovers.  That chair is magical. At least that is what I told B when he came home from work and found me curled up asleep in it for the third night in a row (and before the ottoman made its way up there - can you say ouch?).   And, yes, I woke up saying "This chair is magical."  I say a bunch of crazy things when mostly asleep. B can attest to that.

One more view:

This room is far from being done. I ordered some roman shades. Well we bought one and had to special order one. That window above is 54 inches. There was ONE of those in the entire country from Bed Bath and Beyond. The entire country.  It was returned. I hope it is in good condition because it is on its way here. I also need a rug and some organization for the stuff that is currently sitting in boxes in the basement. I think it is coming along nicely and I wanted to show you what we have so far for this room.

Next up?  

Stay tuned.

Play by Play - An Evening with Dani

Also known as "why I can never get anything done."  Here is what I did upon arriving home tonight:

Decided I was hungry and needed to make soup for my sore throat.

Went into the kitchen, turned on the light, got out the soup.

Decided I need to change out of my suit.

Left the kitchen and headed to the bedroom.

Decided to do a load of towels along the way.

Put B's clothes in the dryer, the towels in the washer.

Threw out the lint in the bathroom and remembered my nylons were snagged and would need to be thrown out as well.
Thought about brushing my hair.

Went into the bedroom and changed.

Remembered that I wanted to load up all of the extra hangers from the bedroom closet and other closet to take to new house.

Went to living room to get tote.

Threw out nylons.

Went over the computer to check my email.

Checked Twitter.

Checked Facebook.

Read some blogs from my reader.

Looked at some contests, decided to do them later.

Found I was very hungry.

Headed to the kitchen where I found the light on and the soup out.

Started the soup.

Heard B's clothes were done.

Took clothes into the bedroom and found the light on, the closet open.

Remembered I wanted to take care of the hangers.

Went back looking for the tote.

Along the way, stopped in bathroom to throw out lint.

Found cabinet door open where hairbrush is (never brushed hair)

Found under sink door open where trash is (threw out nylons somewhere else)

Went and got tote.  

Soup is done.

Put down tote.

Repeat.

Again.

Eventually the following DID occur:

I ate soup.

I did the laundry.

I changed out of my suit.

Took care of the hangers.

Brushed my hair.

Whew! No wonder it seems to take me forever to get things done!

A Sea of Boxes

In the midst of the renovations which resulted in this:

The basement of the new house went from looking like this:

and this:

To this:

and this:

Then came the arrival of these guys (yes the wall is still that hideous yellow but you will see the transformation in an upcoming post I am sure):

And then, just a few days later, to this:

And this:

And this:

Man we have a lot of stuff! 

This happened in just three short days.  In fact, B's parents remarked about how quickly we had piled stuff up.  I had not realized at the time how quickly we did it, but looking back it does not surprise me. You see, B, is not one to just sit idle.  Every time one of us thought about going to the new house in those three days, our vehicle had to be packed to the brim with boxes.  In fact, for the closing, we both drove separately with vehicles completely packed to the top. It would be the first of many trips in those first few days. It reminds me of when we decided to move in together. I was living in an apartment with a few weeks left on my lease. We made the decision and I decided it was great that I would have a nice long time to pack up and get prepared. Nope! B started moving my "little" stuff the next day.  Whatever wasn't nailed down or did not require heavy lifting was gone.  Finally, after finding him measuring my desk to move and my exclaiming, "but what will I put my computer on if you take THAT", I just broke down, hired a mover, and was out within days.  If not for the refinishing of the floors, I am sure it would be the same now.

Oh, and did we move all of those boxes in nice balmy weather? Of course not.  This is a snapshot of what we experienced:

That's about how I felt too when all was said and done. Good thing I have gloves.

My Husband is a Cyborg

Don't know if I told you this, but B loves to play video games. Probably as much as I love to enter contests or blog.  Maybe more.  Since I have known him he has played shooting games on Playstation (first the PS, then the PS2 and now the PS3 - when will it end), Star Wars games (of course) and then Mario Kart games on the Wii.  He likes to mix it up to keep everything fresh.  While playing the shooter games he would tell me how other players online could talk to each other because they have headsets and we would laugh and make fun of them and my usual line was "they don't have girlfriends or wives if they wear those."  Hilarious.  Until now.

Of course, you can guess that B decided he needed a headset after all.  You see, he has friends online playing these games.  And not as in friends he just made while playing these games, but real life friends that he "competes" against.  How else could he communicate with them other than his cell phone which was definitely not hands free.  So, for Christmas, B asked for a bluetooth headset (unfortunately a little ear one and not one that looked like an operator or else I would have much more blog fodder).  And, for Christmas, he received one from my parents.  Of course, he then immediately lost it which involved everyone checking their respective houses, cars and snow for it with no luck. No worries. He found it in the Boba Fett mug he also got as a present.  Yes, he is a dork.  

After the exciting events of searching for the headset, I completely forgot about it until yesterday.  As I was sitting in front of the computer doing important stuff* I repeatedly heard B in the other room cursing. Big foul curse words that start with the letter "F". You  know, the ones I say daily.  However, these were said forcefully, even...dare I say...dramatically.  After a few times, I decided to go in and lecture B:

Me: You know...this here [gesturing around the room] is supposed to be ENTERTAINMENT.  You do not sound entertained. You sound angry and stressed and the cursing is out of control.

B:  Huh.

Me: No. Seriously. What is the problem?

B: Just the game. [all nonchalantly]

At this point I notice the bluetooth in his ear:

Me: You look like a cyborg.

B: [laughs]

Me: Seriously. Is that on?

B: Yes

Me: Can they hear me?

B: [shrugs sheepishly]

Me: Well, if they can hear me, they probably don't recognize the sound of my voice as it is female and all and we know none of those people have girlfriends or wives.

B: [silent]

Me:  Are you going to be able to be entertained vs angry now?

B: [totally whispering even more sheepishly] shhhh...I can't talk now they can hear me.

Me: What? Are you kidding me?

B: [turns off bluetooth and takes it out]

B: No I am not. And, they could hear you. One guy said "Yes, I can hear you. Can you hear me?" when you were talking.

Oops. I am sure that is not all they said. I am sure they cursed and called me names for calling them geeks and dorks without girlfriends/wives.**  Um, and if they could hear me without the bluetooth by my mouth, I am pretty sure that they could hear B whispering that he could not talk because they could hear them.  Way to submit.

So I left and decided to go to bed and leave B to his "friends" and his gaming.  Not even 5 minutes later he lets out another loud curse:

Me: I can HEAR you.

B: They banned me from the room because I was killing everyone and was so good.

Yes, I am sure that is why you were banned B.  Because you were awesome. I am sure it had NOTHING to do with what was said about your "friends."

I am a bad wife.

 

*By important I mean twittering and checking gmail and facebook nonstop. Priorities you know.

**Of course I realize that being a wife of someone that games totally takes away the stereotype that they don't have girlfriends or wives, but I like to think of B as the exception, not the rule.

My First Live Twittering Event..

As you may be aware, last Sunday was the Golden Globes. Yes that was about five days ago. I know I am rather late in getting to it, but it has been a crazy week and I had scheduled posts to ensure that posts happened. So this is late.  Of course that means I had to go back on twitter to see what the heck I had posted, but I pulled off the following gems for you. 

Let me tell you something...live twittering/blogging is not easy. In fact, I can remember very little from the just over three hour awards show because I was too concerned about commenting.  I give props to those that do it on a regular basis (especially people like Andy that save me from having to actually watch the show. I mean besides Andy, who is actually watching Bromance? Jenny?).

So here, without further adieu are actual tweets from that night. Explanations are offered in brackets:

8:06 p.m. okay, Sting looks kind of crazy

8:09 p.m. Springsteen, however, still hot

8:09 p.m. @Catherinette agreed about Mickey. He sure looks that part - washed up wrestler

8:17 p.m. I didn't see this movie, should I? [in reference to The Wrestler]

8:18 p.m. Simon Baker must be short because we all know Eva is and he does not appear to be that much taller than she

8:23 p.m. Who is Demi calling? Her whole family is at the Globes

8:25 p.m. Don Cheadle looks different without hair

8:29 p.m. DEXTER - yes [right before win announced]

8:30 p.m. NOOOOO - He isn't even there to accept. Dexter is THERE. Damn you all! [After someone else won in that category]

8:31 p.m. Okay, at least True Blood won something. All is forgiven. For now. [when Anna Paquin won]

8:33 p.m. Not good hair, Drew. Not good hair. [And what was with the Drew and Jessica Lange love fest? It started when they arrived and continued until they presented and creeped me out!]

8:39 p.m. I don't get the Jonas Brothers phenomenon. I must be old.

8:42 p.m. Rare to see Depp on this side of the pond. Don't I sound so British?

8:52 p.m. I like how Pierce Brosnan appeared to be impressed by Jake #goldenglobes [this is where I decided it would be wise to post to the goldenglobes part of Twitter, only an hour into it]

8:53 p.m. Robert Downey Jr and Brad Pitt at the same table? Yum #goldenglobes

8:56 p.m. not sure I would want to watch a whole movie about hanging chads. Just saying #goldenglobes 

8:56 p.m. Tom does not have time to stop and chat people, he has an award to accept!! #goldenglobes [referring to Tom Hanks trying to get up to the stage while people trying to congratulate him - he practically ran them over]

8:58 p.m. um, how embarrassing. Way to humiliate your daughter Demi. Doesn't she have it bad enough already? #goldenglobes [After Demi took the stage and told Rumer who was a Golden Globe girl, or whatever they are called, to stop hunching. In front of the entire audience. On national TV]

8:58 p.m. RDJ better win!! #goldenglobes [apparently he felt the same way according to some recent blind gossip]

8:58 p.m.a lot of good actors in this category. Forgot about Heath. Damn it! 

8:58 p.m. Of course - go Heath! [a lot happened in this minute]

8:59 p.m. this makes me sad about Heath all over again :( #goldenglobes

9:11 p.m. and John Adams is cleaning house. Never saw it. Of course. #goldenglobes

9:19 p.m. Wow Seth Rogen lost a lot of weight! #goldenglobes

9:22 p.m. I can't just think of David Duchovny the same anymore. All I see is SEX

9:23 p.m. who is the tool that got up and got right in the way of Alec on his way up stage. Could you not have waited a minute to leave your seat ? [Alec Baldwin almost got knocked over on his way up to the stage. And no it wasn't by Tom Hanks]

9:24 p.m.Could those accountants look anymore stiff if they tried? #goldenglobes 

9:28 p.m. WHAT THE HECK Renee? What the heck? Looks SO bad #goldenglobes

9:30 p.m. I almost didn't recognize Megan Fox. She looks...strange. #goldenglobes

9:31 p.m. Why does Terence look so surprised every time Megan speaks? #goldenglobes [he shouldn't have been surprised as they were presenting together. Yet he was. Maybe she wasn't supposed to have any lines?]

9:34 p.m. Love Glenn Close but what the heck is she wearing #goldenglobes

9:44 p.m. Not a big fan of musicals. Except Grease, of course [in reference to Mamma Mia]

9:44 p.m. HI P Diddy, Puff Daddy, Puffy, Sean Paul - what is your name again? #goldenglobes

9:48 p.m. Tina Fey always looks so humble, even just sitting in the audience #goldenglobe

9:49 p.m. my new catch phrase "Good gravy" I love it! [I immediately forgot this was my new catch phrase and haven't used it since]

10:14 p.m. I hate when the presenters shush the audience. It bugs me. #goldenglobes [apparently I missed the big shush by JLo in the beginning. In fact when I saw her I wondered who she was related to, not even realizing she was Jenny from the Block and all]

10:14 p.m. um, someone just cursed. Oops. #goldenglobes

10:18 p.m. nice Spanish accent Sandra #goldenglobes [pronouncing something in Spanish, no doubt]

10:19 p.m. nice slam to the old men Sandra #goldenglobes [slamming really old men for dating/sleeping with really young girls. You go girl! Er, woman...Sandra...]

10:19 p.m. where is James Franco? So Yummy! #goldenglobes [turns out he was studying and getting an education and all. Good for you James. Priorities, friends, priorities. Now back to my mindless dribble...]

10:29 p.m. um, nobody thought that was funny? That was funny #goldenglobes [Guy Ritchie being fired as Madonna's assistant joke? Totally funny. Not boo worthy really. I love you Sascha!]

10:30 p.m. really? Wait, what category are we in ? #goldenglobes

10:31 p.m. huh. Okay

10:38 p.m. LOL Mark is shorter than Cameron! [yes, Mark Wahlberg is short an Cameron is tall, but still funny to see]

10:39 p.m. Okay, she may really lose it this time #goldenglobes [Kate Winslet's second win]

10: 40 p.m. told you she would lose it #goldenglobes. She beat Angelina! [She immediately forgot who Angelina was]

10:40 p.m. how many times does someone win best supporting actress and best actress? #goldenglobes

10:42 p.m. I wonder what her husband thinks about that comment ;) #goldenglobes [upon Kate declaring her undying love for Leo. Or something like that]

10:44 p.m. they should have dressed like their characters. That would have been fun #goldenglobes [when Mad Men won]

10:46 p.m. thank God. I have to pee

10:52 p.m. I mean is this really the same guy from 9 1/2 weeks? #goldenglobes [again dumbfounded by Mickey Rourke. Then dreaming about that movie. Sigh]

10:53 p.m. does he have gold teeth? #goldenglobes [What up Mickey? What up?]

10:54 p.m. the only winner to get the music. #goldenglobes [turns out wouldn't be the only one, just the first]

10:55 p.m. I wonder how late I will be able to stay up and watch this [didn't realize we were at the end]

11:02 p.m. and more music. Gee - it is best picture, can't he talk. We are all up anyway #goldenglobes

11:02 p.m. I made it through the whole thing!! Yay me! #goldenglobes

and finally, a short time later:

11:33 p.m. told my husband I live tweeted the Golden Globes and he asked if that was boxing. Love him!

*Yes, I knew absolutely nothing about the movies, had not seen most of them, and most of my tweets were about the appearance of people on stage. Shallow? Yes. Fun? Most definitely.  See you at the next award show!

New Year, New Me?

Not so much. I do get super excited about the beginning of each new year. Like last year, when I decided it was going to be a great year, only to have it tarnished upon getting to the office.  I also don't much like resolutions because I never follow them.  However, that does not make me any less excited about the new year and the new possibilities. In fact, I get so geeked on that first day, I am liable to make anyone nearby, usually B, physically ill.

This year, I was going through my things when I found no less than 7 journals, all but one blank. This is very amusing to me because every year I ask for another journal. It is an obsession. Writing in them? Apparently not so much.  Except that one.  There was ONE page written on. Of course, January 1, 2008 where I declared my exceedingly high optimism for the upcoming new year. I also noted B's thinking I had knocked my head or was high or something.  That, however, was not the highlight of that one and only entry. That would be where I declared that 2008 was the year of organization...for me...and my parents!

BWAHAHHAHHA.  I can assure you that neither of us are organized. In fact, I do not think B has ever laughed as hard as he did when I told him that.  Nor my Mom. Sadly, we all got a good laugh out of this.  Another year, another laugh.  No progress.  Maybe this year? After all, I have dubbed it the Year of Productivity.  Although I have not written it down as a single entry in a big fat journal, so it might not count.  Hmmm....

And B does not seem to understand that time has passed.  On his way out the door the other day he yelled up "maybe you should get some organization going" to which I replied:

"Nah! That was last year. It's 2009 now."

And so I will go forth and will try to be productive.  This may also include organization as a necessity, but don't tell B...I wouldn't want him to think these goals roll over every year like growing interest or something.  After all, a girl has to have time to blog too.

Happy 2009!!

And Then It Was Dark...

Yikes! Is it Thursday already?  Time flies when you are busy at work and then have no inclination to sit at the computer again while at home.  And that is my explanation for my absence.  

So let's talk about Monday.  Yep, all the way three days ago.  The day I had to go back to the office because I was not a millionaire.  I didn't even have secret santa fun/drama in which to partake. A sad day indeed.   It was approximately 3 pm and I found myself staring at the computer screen, having looked at one too many documents, and wondering, when the heck I would get to leave.  Then the answer came.

The lights went out.  

Technically everything went out with a WAH WAH WAHHHHH sound.  It was kind of freaky. No lights, computer, phones, nothing.  A few more tries and the electrical system totally gave out.  People milled out of their offices and cubes and said brilliant things like "we lost electricity" and "what happened to the lights."  I knew we were done because the security lights were on casting a creepy looking haze over the office.  As one coworker pointed out, it looked like we could be in the Cloverfield movie when you walked down the hall.

Excited at the prospect that we might be down for good, people walked around asking others what they thought was happening.  Finding a window I noted the traffic lights were out too. Score!  At that moment someone talked about finding a radio WITH BATTERIES to find out what was happening.  It was then that I pointed out that we had cell phones that worked and could, in fact, make contact with the "outside world." 

So I called my mom.  However in order to call my mom, I had to navigate a totally dark office as I do not have a window office. That is right folks - no window office. First time in my career and sometimes I am bitter.  I make up for it with cozy mood lighting, but it is not the same.  After painfully running smack into my chair, I grab my cell phone, walk out of my office and yell to the two partners within my eye sight:

"I can't see ANYTHING in my office because it is SO DARK in there because I have no WINDOWS! If I had a WINDOW office, I probably wouldn't have ran smack into my office chair while retrieving my phone from the DARK office, would I?"

I am subtle.

A partner handed me a flashlight.  No kidding, I laughed and gave it back to him and ran off to talk to my mom while wandering the halls. My mom knew nothing. Nothing on TV or the internet about our predicament.  So I told her I would call her back.  As I rounded the corner I heard someone say:

"I am going to call the electric company, nobody's thought of that"

And she was right.  I found this to be very hilarious what with the radios with batteries talk like we were at war.  However, I made sure to point out to her that I had DONE SOMETHING.  I had called my mom.

Well, the electric company told us that the power would not be back on until 7 pm.  Twenty minutes later we were cleared to go home. That was not quick enough for one partner who was running around with his coat on yelling "why are you people still here? Are you going to sit around for three hours? Can't you see it is DARK in here? There are no lights."  He had already checked out I guess.

The end result? We all scored some extra hours away from the office.  We all learned some valuable lessons as well:

~A scary place to be when the lights go out is our bathrooms, according to a partner who informed me that's where he was and that there are no windows and apparently no safety/backup lights.  Is that possible? Safe? Legal? Sounds like a problem waiting to happen.  Good thing that other partner had that flash ligh as about 8 women decided to go to the bathroom as a team.  Apparently no electricity makes you have to pee.

~Every entrance door has a keypad operated by what? Electricity. We were not sure we would be able to get back in through any of them.  Of the five in the main entrance, two you could access with your code still, two you could not and one was just totally open to anyone. Fort Knox I tell ya.

~There is absolutely nothing to do in an office without electricity. Not.one.thing.  Except going around unplugging everything in case of a power surge only to have a partner yell out "isn't that what power strips are for?"  The man has a point.

~The correct order to obtain information about a power outage is (1) the electric company, (2) your mom or anyone in the outside world and (3) a battery operated radio.  Of course, the person in charge of the radio only seemed to report traffic news and news from a German station.  That was very helpful.  

~Clients do not care if you have no power. They will show up anyway and will not want to reschedule.   It is fun to just sit across the table from them and remark about the weather or the lack of power. I wouldn't actually know as I did not have clients that day, but that is how I imagined it would be.

~It is hard to actually get word to someone that his clients have arrived without email or a paging system. It involves a lot of walking around.  And if he is walking around at the same time, you could be doing it for hours.

Finally, it is fun to come into the office the next day and have this conversation:

Partner: There are pictures of strangers in my picture frame.

Me: What???

Partner: In my digital picture frame, there are pictures of people I don't know.

Me: Are you sure?

Partner: YES! I DON'T KNOW THEM.

Me: Who are they?

Partner: I dont know. I DON'T KNOW THEM.

Me: Let's take a look.

As I suspected, his USB stick was not plugged into his frame. There were pictures, however, flashing across the frame.

Me: I think those are the pictures that came with the frame...

Partner: Are you sure?

Me: Pretty confident.

Partner: How do you know?

Me: Um, it says "Insignia" on the bottom left corner of every picture and it is an Insignia frame.

Partner:  You are so smart.

Me: Thank you, can I have a raise?

No, I did not ask for a raise. I did, however, threaten to one day replace his pictures with pictures all of me.

And I think I just might do that.

Last Night I Slept with Mittens On

Remember I told you how cold I get in the winter? How B can tell that it is winter by my nose and fingertips? Last night, they were like icicles. So I got the idea to sleep in my mittens. It was brilliant actually.

Now before you think B is a cruel husband* and refuses to heat our house or something, it is generally not freezing in our house. It does tend to be drafty though which just chills my bones and, apparently, my fingertips. This is especially true if I am typing on the computer. I should probably invest in one of those heated mouse (mice?) for my computer. Maybe then my fingers would be toasty and I wouldn't have to wear mittens. The thing is, when our heat comes on, we both get really hot. Lately, in the morning, it is on when I get out of the shower and it is like a sauna in there - and not in a good way. So last night, when B said "can you turn down the heat, my face feels flush and on fire", I knew what he meant. I could relate. Heat went down, mittens went on. Even the cats do their part by cuddling with each other and laying on our feet at night, sometimes even going UNDER the covers and heating us with their little bodies.

So I tell B of my brilliant plan. He already thinks I am a fashion disaster because my usual "in house" and nighttime outfit is a thermal shirt, flannel pants, a big hoodie and Ugg boots. With the gloves on, I look like a hobo. He recently told me I was not able to wear my Uggs to bed. Now THERE is an idea. Not very practical, however, too bulky.

The mittens do not have that problem. You see, when I get to bed, I am usually freezing. Off come the Uggs and on go knee high warm fuzzy socks, usually in some obnoxiously bright striped color. See? I am truly a hobo at heart. B does not understand any of this. He sleeps in shorts. And, the fact is, I usually get hot in the middle of the night. At that time, off come the socks, the hoodie and sometimes the shirt and on goes the ceiling fan. In light of this, B doesn't understand why I bother with it all at first. Seriously? A girl cannot fall asleep chilly!

So last night I slept with mittens on. I don't even know if B knew since I went to bed first. Just because I told him I was going to do it, doesn't mean I really did. But I did. And in the middle of the night they came off with the socks and the hoodie and the shirt. And the fan went on. And the heat went on during my shower this morning and I got mad and turned it off.

Mittens in bed is a brilliant idea. Now if I could just come up with something to cure the chilliness when I am up and typing. Wrapping my fingers around a candle while wearing the convertible mittens just isn't cutting it.

I know! A new less drafty house.

Now that is truly a brilliant idea.

*I know I have called B a cruel husband in the past, perhaps when he was trying to trip me on the covered bridge, playing into my fear of falling in the water. But I usually say such things in jest. Usually.

Living in the Dark Ages

We have a problem at the office. It is major. Our email system is not working properly, sometimes not at all. Actually, I am not sure which is worse, absolutely no email or the intermittent garbage we have been putting up with. The system inevitably knows when you are crafting or reading an important email and will choose that exact moment to go down. And the system goes down at least 100,000,000 billion times a day. It makes for fun times. The profession is challenging enough without the extra pressure to try to email important contracts during the 10 minute period the email decides to work. Some say we may be behind the times in our office. Please. Just because we are using an email system that does not sync with ANY phone or PDA does not mean we are technologically behind. I call that frugal.

Others do not share my point of view. There is yelling and cursing (I mostly do the cursing) and stomping out of the office because one JUST CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE. It is like we have all forgotten how to do anything without a computer. I actually pondered how I was going to get someone in my office a message since I could not email him. Yeah, he is two doors down from me. And the guy on the OTHER end of the office? I thought about sending a courier pigeon to him which just reminded me of the big bird that crashed into our window and died on the side of the building. Then I decided I just didn't want to talk to that guy anymore. It could wait. Until we have our email again, that is.

This crisis has also sparked memories of times when people were not so computer dependent. People pondered "what did we do before computers to send a message" to which I replied with great disdain "we FAXED things." I mean, really. Remember the first fax machines with that roll paper that turned brown within a week and completely faded within a month? And someone would send you a fax, call you to see if you had received it and you would say "wait, let me go check" while pulling out a scroll from your fax machine. And just TRY flattening that fax to get it into a file. Oh no, they always curled. Always. I hated that paper.

In the midst of the 2008 Office Email Crisis, as I have dubbed it, I had my own personal crisis with modern technology - the conference call. In that I could not conduct one. It was quite the scene. It all begins like this:

Working on a big deal with a client and partner that is out of town and we were running out of time in the day. After talking to both of them individually, partner says I should conference them in. Hilarity ensues:

Partner (over the phone): Just conference us in.

Me: How do I do that?

Partner: Press the conference button, dial him and then press conference again.

Me: Okay.

I press the conference button, attempt to reach outside line and get "restricted access." Scream at secretary outside my office who brings a book and reads me those directions. Does not work.

Me: This is not working.

Partner: It is quite easy. I don't know why you can't do it.

Me: I am calling you back [hangs up]

I summon another secretary in, she doesn't know how to do it. I throw up my hands in frustration and scream "I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS, WE ARE WASTING PRECIOUS TIME!" I call the client:

Me: I was trying to conference you in with partner but I cannot get it to work.

Client: It is easy. Press conference, dial him, press conference again.

Me: I tried that and it won't work.

Client: Try with me on the line.

Me: Hold on

I press conference, begin dialing - nothing happens.

Me: It is not working.

Client: Are you pressing the right buttons?

Me: I don't know how to conference. I cannot work the phone. Please don't judge me.

Client: Why would I judge you? [laughing]

Me: This is a disaster.

Client: I will just conference you from here.

He conferences and partner does not answer phone. Now we are both laughing because it is comical and quite ridiculous. Secretary runs in and says I need to press the on/off button. Eureka!

Me: Maybe he just wont answer your number. Let me call from here.

Client: Okay, call me back.

I dial the client and attempt to do the conference call thing again.

Me: Okay, hang on [dials other number]

Me to Client: Hello?

Client: Switchboard?

Me: Very funny.

Good thing my client has a sense of humor. It works, however, partner will not pick up for me either.

Me: He won't take my call either. What the heck? Forget it. Just forget it.

Client: I think he is calling me right now. Nope.

Me: Wait! He is calling me, hold on.

Me: Partner?

Partner: Hi, I am free.

Me: Great, because now I can do conference calls, hang on...

The rest of the story is boring* except to say that the entire conference call lasted 90 seconds. 90 seconds - that is a minute and a half. ALL of that work, screaming, reading, putting on hold, hanging up, for 90 seconds. I did not know whether to laugh or to cry.

Just a typical day at the office.

*This whole story might be boring. I choose, however, to ignore that possibility.