Hackers, Robbers and Fires - Who Can Get Any Work Done Around Here?

So it's been a rough time at the office lately.  I will give you one guess as to what's been happening. Yes, all is revealed in the title. Yes, all of those things happened at my office. In the span of a week. Craziness I tell you.

Monday started off with a warning that our network had stopped an attempted hacking.  Some people had to change their logins and passwords and double secret probation security was put on high alert.  Meanwhile, I wandered around asking why someone would ever want to hack the network of a law firm.

BORING.

Seriously. What will you get there? Boring letters to the court. Boring briefs to the court. There would be no smoking gun. Ever. All of this leads me to believe that it was an inside job by an outside person.

I will give you some time to think about that.

Fast forward to Thursday and I am on may way into the office when I get a phone call telling me not to bother hurrying because our building is on lockdown due to a suspicious person.  That suspicious person? He is called a robber.  He broke into a suite in the early morning hours and then ran away with a safe and some cash trailing behind him like a cartoon.  Another inside job from the outside. I think. I really have no idea about that business.  Luckily by the time I got my daily Starbucks a/k/a Sweet Heaven, all was well and I could get inside.

Fast forward to Friday at lunch.  It was unseasonably warm. I left my jacket in someone else's office.  I packed up my briefcase of work to do at home over the weekend. I was enjoying lunch with other like minded colleagues when one got a phone call. As soon as I heard him say "WHAT?", I just knew it.  "ARE WE LOCKED OUT OF THE BUILDING AGAIN?" Kind of.

Our building was on fire.

No worries. Just an ELECTRICAL fire. We were locked out. Our belongings were locked in. The wind picked up. I spent the next hour and a half driving around the parking lot with some colleagues finding other people to talk to about what was happening. I took a client conference call in the car.  Meanwhile other offices passed their time in different ways.  One group prayed. No one was in danger. Did they really want to go back to work that much? Another group played hackeysack.  Does that even exist anymore? Then some guy broke out a guitar and started playing to a crowd while people taped him on their cellphones. Who the hell brings a guitar to an office building? That guy.

Just as those in charged called it a day, a giant "YAY" came forth from the crowd and we were let back in. Why everyone cheered to be let back into an office on a Friday afternoon when the sun was shining is beyond me.

Also? We could go in but there was no plumbing and only half electrical and no heat.

"YAY."

It's the Little Things that Lead to the Big Things that Lead to Everything a/k/a How the Little Things Made Our 2009

It is funny how a year goes by so quickly even though so much happens. Sometimes, when I haven't seen someone in a while, the person may ask me to catch them up and tell them what has happened over the past year. I almost always draw a blank. Maybe I will remember the big things: we got our first house, our third cat, our first dog. We had our first grown up party, our first Halloween, our first block party (which I still haven't written about). But the little things like our first fire in the fireplace? Those things are often forgotten.

So in my year in review post, I am going to concentrate on the small things. The things I would have forgotten if not for this blog. I hope you enjoy taking the walk down memory lane with me.

January

B noticed that I was wearing glasses every day - after 6 months! Meanwhile, I remembered I inadvertently lied to a woman at an eyeglass store about being married and had to use my brother as a fake husband. P.S. I am still wearing glasses every day and now B thinks I look strange without them.

I told B I planned on getting a dog that was big enough to ride away on. Instead, we got Jersey. The only thing that can ride her at this point is Brad.

My Dad foiled a robbery without meaning to or immediately realizing it. That takes talent.

February

We "met" our backyard neighbor who would later become known as the longgrassed man. For this we are grateful as he has provided endless hours of entertainment. P.S. B still doesn't have blinds in that room.

I had my girls smashed for the first time in the name of science. Or preventative medicine. Or the doctor's personal S&M fetish. You decide.

March

I made an effort to cook more often. If, by effort, one means texting her husband to pick up all of the ingredients.

The post that gets me the most search hits EVER was born. Thank you dear spammer because some of those people have actually stayed.

B had the greatest birthday ever, thanks to me. Who doesn't want a birthday present scavenger hunt?

April

B experienced a car wreck that sounded like a scene out of a movie right down to the one liners "And to think...I was just singing a song..."

We decided that we were better off not being superheros since B wanted to be evil and I wanted to be good. Probably a good thing only one of us was radioactive.

May

I was ousted as a riddler by some cheater at Potbellys. And Google rules the world.

My gallbladder was removed which would be my second ectomy in the last couple of years. No "ectomy" is not a word but you know what it means - appendectomy, gallbladderectomy. Well, really there is a different word for that last one but what do you want? I am no doctor.

June

I realized I was living in the movie Footloose when the local paper revealed someone called the cops on a dancing man. But it was raining after all.

B spent many hours making the perfect lamp for my Dad for Father's Day. Who doesn't want something you can read by and also use for grease fires? Multitasking is always a good thing.

July

My parents found an extra special surprise when pulling into their neighborhood one day. Cartoon graffiti took on a whole new meaning.

Crime Watch Wednesday was born with a post about a tragic tandem bicycle accident. Well, actually it wasn't tragic at all as the cyclists just went about their way. That is, unless you count the fact that a driver managed to not see a tandem bicycle. He obviously doesn't wear his glasses every day.

August

B grew pumpkins the size of REALLY BIG pumpkins. He later brought the pumpkins home where we used the cats as props to show their size. We will put those cats next to anything. It is the price they pay for a roof over their head and way too much food to eat apparently.

B found the perfect plant to put in our garden for me until the evil rabbit stole it. Luckily many more grew to take its place and the sun was back in my world.

September

I learned that the legal world and the zombie world are very much alike. In fact, some days I have trouble telling them apart. Also, judges watch movies. It is almost like they are human.

Special guest, Virginia, stopped by to answer some unanswered questions about past posts, including what happened to the plant the evil rabbit ate. Virginia also declared Chester the prettiest cat around. He is still wearing his tiara.

October

Our favorite breakfast place underwent renovations which resulted in unintentional hilarity. I still scrutinize that place. We still go there every week. They have great food and great waitresses and now feature spellcheck.

B decided that Mooch was probably not the best bed partner. Mooch just grinned evilly and snidely remarked "payback's a bitch."

November

I debated whether beef had a smell. I won.

My true psychic ability revealed itself. Unfortunately the only plus side was that I realized I would be able to tell 8 hours in advance when my questions about Janet Jackson would be answered. Baby steps.

December

Became hooked on the most god awful excuse for reality TV on the air. Thanks B! Also, was a psychic foreshadowing of the puppy. Who knew such trash could be connected to something so wonderful?

I spent the holiday season cursing like a sailor while my Mom serenaded me.

This was quite the year! I cannot wait to see what 2010 has in store for us.

Stay tuned...

Our First Halloween: Pumpkins, a Dragon, and Many Cars

This was our first Halloween in the new house. We had been warned about the number of kids/adult trick or treaters that we may encounter. We border another city that has a really early curfew (6 pm) due to crime and other issues, so those parents usually bring their children to our side...in cars. Our street was packed.

We invited B's sister and her family over to trick or treat with us and help us pass out candy. We had so much fun!

First up - the carved pumpkins. This one was mine:

B carved this one to look like it had fallen. One poor girl was traumatized until her father said "he is just sleeping." A few other children pointed out that he had fallen over. I guess B is a genius. And a sadist.

B drilled holes into this one and it looked great lit up. We left it in our backyard glowing eerily all night. Of course THAT picture didn't turn out. Side note: I hate my camera and/or the memory card that messes up half my pictures.

Here is another one that B carved. Before I went to go look at it, I asked him what kind of face he carved and he replied "a happy one." Um, well...

My pumpkin was quite disturbed to discover he had lost part of his scalp:

B's pumpkin, on the other hand, didn't seem to mind:

There is our nephew, dressed as a SCARY dragon, going to greet the early trick or treaters:

And there he is sticking his head in B's pumpkins. Did I tell you he is obsessed with pumpkins?

I wanted a picture of the pumpkins lit up at night. B wanted to ham it up with our brother-in-law, so they are pretending B is handing out candy and my brother-in-law is a child with a back problem:

After B's sister and her family returned from trick or treating, they told us some guy on the next block had a hearse. No biggie to us as he drives it every day. Apparently, though, he decked it out for Halloween and it included lights, a fog machine and scary music. You had to reach into the hearse to get your candy. Spooky!

Toward the end of the night, the kids mainly came in cars. Our street was packed:

It was a terrific night! Just when I thought we would have a ton of left over candy, the second shift came and nearly wiped us out. Luckily we were smart enough to turn out our light when we had two small bags left (100,000 bars - YUM). In case you were wondering, we bought approximately 900 pieces of candy.

Some other highlights from the night included:

• The 2 year old dressed like Michael Jackson, complete with hat, glove, socks, and sunglasses who would only say "oooh oooh" very softly under his breath.
• Seeing Mario run down our street to meet up with a kid dressed as a bicycle cop, complete with the bicycle
• Seeing Mario's father walk down the street 15 minutes later stating "I lost my Mario" only to return later to declare "I found him. He was under a giant mushroom."
• Seeing two teenagers in masks stare each other down in our walkway and asking B if he knew why they were having a "mask off"
• The mustard and ketchup costumes that we thought were crayons from across the street
• The woman that asked our in laws if she could pay them a couple of dollars to use our bathroom
• Our elderly next door neighbor running over dressed as the killer from Scream and holding a doll from The Scream painting which made noises and scared the crap out of the kids asking for candy
• Our neighbors' bat hanging from their doorway that was supposed to make noises when anyone approached, but wouldn't do anything unless he clapped so he would open the door, clap, scare the kids and then the bat would make noise
• B telling me to go pretend I was a scarecrow and scare the kids but instead I scared myself when the cornstalk touched me

Even the plants in our garden turned orange for the occasion:

Hope your Halloween was filled with candy, costumes and cute kids!

Crime Watch Wednesday: Take a Bite Out of This!

This week's crime watch chronicles bring us the tale of the utility worker who couldn't run fast enough:

A utility worker was bitten by a large dog while performing his job. The worker was approached by the dog in the driveway of a home. When the dog didn't like the worker's reason for being there, he bit him. The owner of the house, home at the time, refused to respond to the worker's screams for help. Luckily a nearby neighbor came to the rescue with peroxide and a bandage. Sadly, the neighbor did not have a rabies kit nearby. When questioned by the police, the homeowner claimed that it was not his dog and he did not believe the dog had actually bit the man and the dog was on a leash at the time. The police witnessed two puncture wounds on the worker. The police also noted that the dog was on a very long leash that allowed the dog to walk down the driveway and approach those in the neighborhood. Charges are pending against the dog for assault and battery and against the homeowner for being a bad neighbor.

Hmm...maybe I made that last part up? The point is, your dog, or the dog you were watching, BIT someone. The dog punctured the man's skin while roaming on its very long leash down the driveway. The least you could do is offer some assistance to the man. I know you are afraid of being sued, but pretending it didn't happen isn't going to make it go away.

When I was a young teen we had a crazy dog aptly named Bandit*. This dog was NUTS. She would climb, not jump, but CLIMB our chain link fence to get out and run the neighborhood. Her favorite things to do? Chase cars. And not just like in the cartoons. She would chase a car, get IN FRONT OF IT, make it stop and try to bite its bumper. I cannot tell you how many times in my life I spent chasing that dog. In a car. That's right. She would only come back to you if you drove by, she chased you, stopped you, you opened your door and then she jumped in happy as a clam.** Despite her insanity, she loved everyone (except the Rottweilers across the street and small kittens or puppies) and never bit anyone.

Until she bit someone, that is.

At that time Bandit was older and couldn't really jump or climb the fence. She really didn't have the energy to chase cars either. Thus, she was able to spend more time in the backyard without our fearing we would need to grab our car keys at any minute. There was a young boy next door that would pet her and talk to her and she would lick him. One day, we decided to put Bandit on a leash in the front yard while we were on the porch. Like the owner above, it was rather a long leash but it did not extend past our front grass. At the time, I was on the porch. The young boy from next door ran past Bandit and screamed a little "you can't catch me" song and Bandit caught him. And bit him. She was old and cranky.

Now, unlike the guy above, I did not deny what happened. I jumped up, made sure the boy was okay (he had a scratch and no puncture wounds), went and got his mom and explained what happened and apologized. All was well. We did not get sued, Bandit's leash got shorter, and our neighbors still liked us.

Lesson: Apologies, peroxide and a bandage go a long way.

Denial fools no one but yourself.***

*When my Dad first told me we were getting a dog, I wanted to name her Scruffles. I was 13. Too old to have thought that shit was cute. Lucky for Bandit, she looked like a bandit. Lucky for me too as I cannot imagine running through the neighborhood yelling SCRUFFLES.

**This was not good because Bandit would get into anyone's car that opened their door. One day I was chasing her and someone tried to take her. Sometimes I wonder if I should have just let them. They had no clue what they were getting into. RIP Bandit.

***I am so deep and profound. I also sound like a fortune cookie. One of those bad ones that tell you proverbs but not your FORTUNE. Grrr.

Today's Public Announcement: The Murse

Gentlemen: just because your recyclable tote is from Pets R Us and just because it is a tote does not make it any less of a murse when you use it as such and carry it on your shoulder like one.

Man up and get a briefcase!

*I don't know if there is any such place called Pets R Us, but there probably is somewhere.

**I totally chose this cartoon of a businessman with a jetpack so that B would read this and say "SEE! We all should be wearing jet packs by NOW" and then stew about it for a few minutes.

Crime Watch Wednesday: Go Stick a Muffin in Your Shirt!

This week's crime watch chronicles brings us this interesting tale:

A man took a muffin and two bananas without paying for them from a gas station. He used his debit card to pay for a cup of coffee, however, he had a little trouble when the card was then denied when he tried to buy some maps. As he was leaving, the clerk reminded him that he still needed to pay for the muffin and bananas, but the thief had other ideas shouting "No, I don't!" while running off. He was later detained by police who found the muffin, the bananas, and a few credit card applications in his big bag. He was apprehended on foot in front of another store.

Okay. My biggest problem with this story? Buying fruit from a gas station. That is just gross. I have to wonder though, did the guy finish his coffee before he ran off with the fruit? Because running with coffee is NEVER a good idea. Also, considering he was (1) on foot, and (2) found a short distance away, I am not sure why the maps were needed. Is there some black market in maps that I don't know about?

You know what makes this story really funny to me? It combines two of my favorite things - muffins and bananas. First, the love of muffins comes from the time after breakfast with my Mom when I stuck a muffin in my shirt for some unknown-to-me now reason. I then thought it was funny and walked around like that until my brother exasperatedly shouted "take that muffin out of your shirt!" which just made my Mom and I laugh hysterically. For weeks after that, my Mom would just randomly say to me "oh, go stick a muffin in your shirt."

The love of bananas comes from some video on the internet we saw of some woman screaming and grieving over some person. Although very sad, for some reason it sounded like she was wailing "I want a banana." This turned into "have a banana" for my Mom and me and I say it ALL THE TIME. If she ever tries to say she is not feeling good, I respond with "have a banana." It only bolstered my cure when she had to go into the hospital once and they told her that her potassium was low. See? That was my scientific medical proof that a banana is the cure for everything.

And here is further proof:

Take note.

Introducing the Newest Member of Our Family...

Meet Lil' B. Isn't he cute?

Okay, well his real name is Bradford.* B calls him Brad or "cat." I call him Lil' B because he is so frickin' little. It is hard to photograph Lil' B as he is always on the move.

By the way, I recently vehemently said no to a third cat. Many times. So how did we end up with this one? Well he was a stray that my Dad found. Although he was one of a litter, all of the other kittens were killed. My Dad assured me he was the sweetest thing ever. He even let my Dad put a collar on him. I told him to bring him over for a meet and greet. Lil' B never left.

He is very loving. In fact, that is him trying to get some loving from me while I am trying to take his picture. As soon as he gets anywhere near you he starts purring the loudest I have ever heard. He loves to sit in your lap and be pet and will just look up at you content. Sometimes he pulls a Chester and puts his paws on your face or crawls up your neck. Luckily he weighs less than three pounds.

You are probably wondering why all of these pictures occur on our back porch. Well the vet told us Lil' B had an upper respiratory infection so he had to be quarantined from the big boys. As a stray, he didn't seem to mind. He had plenty of food and water. I also made sure to visit him in the morning and evening and play or love him. B (the original that is) would also go out and visit with him of which I was unaware (and after Lil' B became less sneezy and drippy - gross). I caught them outside one day like this:

How could you not love that face? Well, ask Chester and Mooch. They are not fans. More so Mooch then Chester. Lil' B was given the all clear by the vet and we have spent the last two days attempting to introduce and mostly mediate the three cats. Lil' B thinks things are great. Mooch thinks it is the end of the world. Chester is curious.

I need ear plugs.

Seriously. Mooch spends most of his time howling, growling, hissing and running away. This only causes Lil' B to chase after him. It is probably a good thing Mooch doesn't have claws. Meanwhile Chester stays cautiously back and watches/stalks the new cat. Lil' B loves to charge at him only to get frightened at the last minute and turn away. If the new cat is on the move, Chester will run right behind him. At one point I was trying to catch Lil' B who was running with Chester behind him and me behind Chester. Yes, we all ran in a big circle before I realized I was chasing a cat who was chasing a cat. You can call me Garfield. Actually, Garfield probably wouldn't chase a cat but that is the only cartoon cat I can think of at the moment.

Chester will come into the same room and will come near me to get pet if the cat is in my lap. Well, at least until Lil' B bent down and bit his head. Chester looked at him and made this pitiful little howl.

Sigh.

So for now, Lil' B is sleeping on the porch and only inside when either B or I are home to make sure no one is killed. Meanwhile, I am trying not to dream of the howls, growls, moans and hisses that are happening on a daily basis.

We are in for quite the ride.

*Lil' B's name is an homage to the street where he was found.

A T-Shirt in a Tree? Genius and Tacky.

I don't know if you know this, but Michael Jackson died. Yes, it was sudden and tragic and sad. It was also opportunistic for those so inclined. One of those people was a guy down the street from us. Well, really down the street, left, DOWN the street and on the right. Meaning: not in our neighborhood but over THERE.* This guy jumped on the MJ bandwagon almost immediately following his death and whipped up a bunch of T-shirts to sell. He sold them in front of his house.

Between two trees.

That's right. One clothesline, two nails and THOUSANDS of tshirts later and he was in business. That's right - thousands. You know how I know this? He is STILL selling those tshirts.

It has been 49 days since MJ died. A month and a half. He is STILL selling those tshirts. Well, actually, the proper wording would be he is still offering them for sale. No one is buying that I can tell. You see, the peak time has come and gone. Now it is just getting sad.

I noticed him that first week of MJ's death. It was 11 pm at night. I couldn't even see what was on the frickin' tshirts it was so dark. That did not stop people from pulling over on the side of the road and buying them. His business was on FIRE**.

49 days later? Not so much. B told me there was even a writeup in the paper about this guy. Hell, that was 39 days ago. Anyway, the writer indicated that the guy, fancying himself an entrepreneur, overestimated his market. You think? Actually I think the writer underestimated that statement.

Now, even the quality of tshirts is dwindling. They were never that great (basically a photo of one of MJ's album covers printed on a shirt), but they weren't half bad. White and black*** mostly. Now? Bright red, neon yellow and I swear the last time I drove by it looked like it might have been Fat Albert on the tshirt. MJ is NOT Fat Albert.

Wait. Was he?****

*The BAD neighborhood. You know? The one the neighbor feared Katie ran off to?

**Insert bad MJ joke here.

***But not Black and White because that would be an actual MJ song I heard just today. Coincidence?

****Seriously, do a Google search and you will find someone really asked that. The answer? Fat Albert is a cartoon character and Michael Jackson was a person. Brilliant!