Would It Be Better If I Were Wearing a Coach Suit?

It has been rather stressful at the office these days.  I had a really ugly complicated case that resulted in my waking up one day with a huge knot in my back that I not so lovingly named after my opposing counsel.  Luckily that got resolved and the knot went away. I would also like to thank Excedrin Back and Body for coming to my aid.

It's just that things are super busy, which is good and bad. Good because more work equals job security and more fun. Bad because more work equals more work, less time and more scheduling conflicts.

I always know when the stress is getting to me because I will dream about the office, or usually court.  Last night I dreamt I was in federal court to help with a trial that I knew nothing about when the judge told me that I wasn't even wearing a suit. I looked down to find myself wearing a skirt and a jacket, certainly not a suit, but decided that I would defend myself by saying "Oh I see, if it is not a Coach suit, it doesn't count?" I don't even know what that means. Can you imagine a suit with the Coach insignia all over it? I shudder.

So it made me think of this post I drafted a while back about events I saw one motion day in court:

What Not To Say To the Judge If You Want to Win:

"All judges are liars"

"I cannot get a fair hearing here"

"I am suing three judges and the entire court system"

What You Don't Want to Hear the Judge Say If You Want to Win:

"The problem here is your client and her inconsistent testimony."

"What kind of attorney are you? The kind that just stands before me and spews garbage from his mouth?"

"What I want to know is who forged this Order?"

"Your opinion has no basis in fact."

"I have written many articles on this subject. In fact, there are a few cases you seemed to have left out of your brief."

Luckily these things were not said to me.  In fact, my opposing counsel felt the wrath that day when he tried to bluff me into a settlement only to be told by the judge that he and his client better agree to my terms or he was going to make him "try this" while shaking the file at him like it was the stupidest thing ever.  

That's my kind of day, even if they are few and far between.

Crime Watch Wednesday - Don't Use Your Own Cellphone, GPS is a Bitch (Except Vicki - I Love Her)

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday is a special Mom edition. Apparently, there are wacky criminals in my Mom's hood as well and she was sweet enough to share her local paper with me. This incident serves as a warning to all would be criminals - make sure you don't use your own cell phone in the commission of a crime.

A man was arrested shortly after robbing a pizza delivery guy. The police were able to find the suspect so quickly because he used his own cell phone to order the pizza. Oh, and then they just tracked him directly to his house where he admitted he was guilty.

I bet the pizza wasn't even cold.

Seriously. He apparently had the good sense to not have the pizza delivered to his house, but didn't think twice about using his CELL PHONE, you know that thing that runs on towers with signals and tracking, to order the pizza? Sadly, the article did not give the exact details of the crime. Happily, I am willing to recreate it for you:

Criminal: Yeah, I'd like to order a small pizza. Just cheese.

Pizza place: That'll be $5.00. Would you like that delivered?

Criminal: Yep, bring it right away. Also, I need you to bring a lot of change. I only have a $50 bill...I mean a $100...I mean a $200 bill. Yeah, bring a lot of change.

Pizza place: Um, okay.

{An hour later even though it was supposed to be 30 minutes or less}

Pizza man: Here is your small cheese pizza.

Criminal: Gimme all your money sucka!

Criminal: I know you have at least $200

Pizza man: I have $20.

Criminal: Whatever sucka

{Five minutes later at criminal's residence}

Police: You are under arrest.

Criminal: How did you know it was me?

Police: We traced the number you used to order the pizza and you were here.

Criminal: You got me copper! I confess.

GPS* - leading people around the world and stopping criminals in their tracks. GPS rocks. Especially Vicky. Is she still listening?

*I don't even know if GPS is what is used to track a cellphone, but I bet it is. Vicky is too wise to not be used for such important functions as catching criminals.**

**Seriously, is she still listening?

Crime Watch Wednesday: If You Don't Like That Document, I Have Some Others for You

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday brings us once again a tale of a drunk driver trying to pretend he is anything but drunk. I tell ya, I never can get enough of the drunk tales. Each so wasted. Each with such unique ways of showing it.

Police stopped a man they spotted weaving in the roadway. He smelled of alcohol and admitted to drinking. He then produced an expired registration. When told it was expired, he proceeded to look through all of his documents again and produced the same exact expired registration. He was arrested on the spot.

Now, what is really funny about this story to me is that I had the exact same thing happen to me in a deposition, except the deponent was not drunk. Well, at least I don't think she was. I asked her to produce a copy of the referral letter from the treating physician she received. She flipped through a bunch of papers and confidently handed me one. When I told her that was a copy of a prescription for medication, not a referral letter, she proceeded to again flip through the documents and, again, confidently hand me another one. This time it was a fax cover sheet. Addressed to the attorney sitting next to her.

This game went on for 15 minutes too long at which point she just stopped handing me documents, put the papers down and looked at me like "There. Aren't I a great witness, giving you everything you asked for." I never did get the referral letter.

She might be related to this guy.

Crime Watch Wednesday: It's Like Teaching a Cop a New Trick

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday illustrates the age old question - who is smarter, the cops or the thief?

You be the judge.

Police responded to a house alarm the other day. Upon arriving at the residence, they noticed the back door wide open. After assessing the situation they decided the house was secure, although they apparently used that term loosely. No one was in the home and nothing was taken. The police proceeded to lock the door and head back to their vehicle when they suddenly noticed the family dog reopening the door they had just locked!

Spot was taken into custody with his tail between his legs.

Can I say I just love the fact that the thief here is the family dog and that the dog is able to open a LOCKED door? Not just closed, but locked. You know what I don't love? That the police somehow thought a house with a wide open door was "secure." How is that even remotely secure? Heck, it wasn't even secure after it was locked as evidenced by the DOG opening the door.

I wonder if we could teach Jersey to open the door. That would be a bad thing, though.

Right?

Tales From the Courthouse: Presentation is Everything, Until You Forget What You Are Presenting

As I sit here preparing for my court appearance tomorrow, I reminded of the nonsense I witnessed last week.

As usual, we were all crowded on small benches in the dreary hallway, waiting for the almost indiscernible sound of the courtroom door unlocking. Heard only by dogs -- and lawyers, naturally. Although the legal world is large, the world of lawyers that actually go to court are quite small. You see the same people time and time again. Naturally, camaraderie and inside jokes develop.

So when a woman gets wheeled down the hall on a gurney, strapped down, accompanied by two EMS personnel, an attorney says "That's not good" with a cynical chuckle. Another ponders if it is one of our colleague's clients.

However, when the gurney stops at the bathroom, and the woman, immediately after becoming unstrapped jumps off the gurney light as air and runs inside easy as can be, we all stare in disbelief. In fact, I say to the guy across from me "Did she just....", as he answers "Yes. Yes, she did." To think, I thought I have seen it all.

She is then heard yelling in the bathroom "I know law more than you do!" I am going to have to respectfully disagree lady. Presentation is everything and even though the gurney and the neck collar were a good start, the free moving limbs and sprite movements completely destroy the picture you are trying to create.

As she was wheeled away, we heard her mumble "This medication is making me crazy. I need to talk to an attorney about this"

That's not all you need to talk about.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring...

Crime Watch Wednesday: Fanning the Flame of Friendship

This week's Crime Watch Chronicles brings us the story of a friendship gone bad and a crime that didn't quite take:

A former friend was found to be a suspect in an attempted arson. A woman came home to find a small puddle of liquid, thought to be lighter fluid, and a burned cigarette under the front tire of her vehicle. Around that same time the woman received a text message from her former friend, who had been harassing her and threatening her for weeks, that read:

"I tried to light on fire ur shit"

Yes, yes you did. You tried to light on fire the woman's shit. But you didn't. You know what else you did? You ADMITTED TO A CRIME. And you did so via a poorly worded text message. That is traceable to your phone number. Apparently, also the phone number used to harass and threaten this same woman for weeks. Now the police are asking for any additional information, but the truth is? They have all of the information they need. They have:

• your name
• your phone number
• your CONFESSION

You didn't start the fire, babe, but you are still going to get burned.

Case closed.

On a side note, who the hell attempts to start a fire, fails, and then announces the ridiculous attempt to their enemy. That would be like firing an arrow at a person while standing behind a tree and then after missing jumping out and yelling "I tried to shoot this arrow through your heart."

No shit, but you didn't.

Tales from the Courthouse: Pursuing Justice with Grace

The other day I had to go to court on some motion hearings, three to be exact. That is a lot of courtrooms to run between. Luckily, one of my colleagues was there and took pity on me and did one of my hearings for me. He still got out of there well before I did. That was in large part because all three news channels were in my courtroom. Naturally, I was in the hall when that hearing occurred and missed being on TV, but I did get to witness the post hearing interview in the hall. It was a ridiculous law suit, filed on a decades old law that has since been overruled by subsequent law, to which the attorney claimed he would appeal. And he was wearing floods. Nothing like being on TV with too short pants.

In any event, as I was waiting and watching, I thought of all the things that I could post about my trip to the courthouse. I truly thought that the highlight of the day would be the guy next to me that screamed at his associate for a good 15 minutes about a brief using every swear word you can imagine and ending with:

"He had a finger stuck up his ASS? Does that sound consensual?"

No, it really doesn't does it? Well, although quite entertaining, that was not the highlight of my trip.

The highlight would be when I FELL on my HANDS AND KNEES.

IN THE STREET.

In front of an oncoming car and in front of at least 10 people, only 1 of whom asked me if I was okay.

And thereby SKINNED my one knee and bruised the other knee and also skinned my palm (but did not drop my phone - um...yay?).

At the time I did not know about the skinned knee and bruised knee although I suspected it from the pain. After telling the ONE person that asked if I was okay that I was, and after quickly getting up to make sure I wouldn't get hit by the car, I just casually walked to the parking structure like nothing had happened.

It was only as I was changing into the pair of jeans I luckily had thrown into my car that I realized the damage I had done.

That was over two weeks ago.

My left knee is still horribly bruised.

My right knee still shows evidence of being scraped.

And my pride? It is still lying in the street with pieces of my skin.

Crime Watch Wednesday: The Man with the Bad Haircut

This week's crime watch chronicles brings my all time favorite headline:

Man with Bad Haircut Arrested forLarceny

How awesome is that? It makes you want to read more. Did his bad haircut contribute to the larceny? Did he commit the larceny because he had a bad haircut? TELL ME MORE.

Here is what it said:

Officers were able to track and apprehend a suspect who had stolen a vehicle with the use of a tracking dog. The man had a freshly shaven head with a few missed spots and numerous nicks. Hair was discovered in the bathroom of the house leading police to believe that the man attempted to change his appearance.

Well, that plan clearly didn't work. Also, that title? Way more interesting than the story. Here I thought that the city had instituted some new law about bad haircuts similar to the law against dancing in the street. But, no. Just some plain old larceny with a god awful plan to cover your identity while standing IN YOUR OWN HOUSE. Hmmm...I wonder how they caught you dude.

I think I will make up my own version of this story:

Officers tracked and apprehended a suspect on suspicion of having Bad Hair. Bad Hair was recently categorized as a class A offense punishable by death. The suspect is also being charged with larceny of tools used in the commission of the crime. Taken from the scene as evidence was a big plastic comb, multiple ponytail holders and an electric razor allegedly used to shave the sides, but not all, of the suspect's head. Police have released the following photo of the suspect:

(Source)

Yes, much better. The story, not the hair.

I'll Take Johnnie Cochran for $200, Alex

So the other day I was sitting in court waiting for my case to be called. As you can imagine, I thought I would be last and would be there a while. Although I was not called last, I still had time to listen to a few cases before me.

One of the cases involved an appeal in a criminal matter regarding a ruling on excluding evidence of the actual arrest. The accused's attorney was arguing that the officer did not have probable cause for the arrest as he arrested this man in his garage after he had already pulled in. The attorney went on to say that there were no exigent circumstances because, even if the officer had put on his lights to signal to pull over, he did so a mere 6 seconds before the guy was in his garage. This prompted the judge to immediately, without a second thought, quip:

However slight, it can still be flight.

He then laughed and said "I'm no Johnnie Cochran, but..." I would agree. He is no Johnnie Cochran because his quip actually made sense. After all, it was a legal summation on the state of the law rather than a creatively successful, albeit ridiculous, attempt to skew the facts to gain an acquittal.

I would like to think I would be a pretty humorous, off-the-cuff judge should I ever take the bench. Then again, everyone would have to laugh regardless if I was humorous wouldn't they?

Oh the power...

Say What?!?

It is always entertaining to me to look at the search terms for the people that stumble upon my blog. I thought it would be even more entertaining to answer the search terms as if they were questions posed to me:

Old becomes new quotes

I will take a stab at this:

“What’s old becomes new again”

Profound, right? Hope that helped.

"3 envelope pot roast"

Good stuff.

what is three jacks in can you see what i see

I give. What does the question even mean? Three jacks in the can? Three jacks you can see? Do you have a deck of cards? Are you missing a jack? Can you see three? Query solved.

If you are talking about jackasses. There are more than three in this world and they will definitely make their presence known. Sadly, I cannot see what you see, but if you provide me with a picture that would help.

mugs that say who's your santa

I always thought there was only one Santa, but you have proven me wrong by asking that question. Perhaps we can take out an ad or a missing person’s report to find out who exactly our Santa is. Does everyone have their own Santa? Because that would be a lot of Santas flying around and a heck of a lot of reindeer and reindeer poop. This is truly a riddle.

mickey rourke gold tooth

Yes, I believe Mickey Rourke does have a gold tooth. At first I was perplexed as to why he had one, but then I took a second glance at his outfit and it all began making sense. You may want to google “mickey rourke fashion” and that will explain it for you.

"mark wahlberg is short"

Yes he is. That is a fact. It sounds like both you and I, however, were caught off guard as to how short he actually is. I still love him though. You should too.

ponytail gone

This usually happens when you remove the ponytail holder. Do not panic. Wrap your hair with a ponytail holder again and voila your ponytail will be back! It is like magic…but the exact opposite.

new glasses "strong"

I can see from your visit that you know I had this problem. I imagine that most people have this problem with new glasses especially if your prescription changed or if, like me, you decide “prescription mescription” (that’s a technical term), and just go all wild and free without changing your prescription for 6 years. Talk about strong!

"my glasses" thick or blind

I hope if you are wearing glasses, you are not blind because really, what’s the point? Now, if you feel blind when taking off your thick glasses, you are not alone. I can only see things within three inches of my face. Aside from the cats, there is nothing usually that close to my face at all times.

P.S. If your glasses are still thick, look into getting those new superthin lenses. You may still be blind but people will make fun of you less. Unless you are married to my husband. Then you should google “polygamy” while I google “divorce” because there ain’t no Big Love happening around here.

i was blind without my glasses

So was I. Aren’t glasses magical little devices?

judgical indiscretion

I think you meant “judicial indiscretion” because, sadly, there is no such word as judgical. Yes, I made it up. Yes it sounds official. Maybe if more people catch on we can make it word. Want to start a revolution? Or a judgicaloution?

shots pinch needles

Shots pinch and they involve needles. If you feel a pinch but don’t see a needle, you have just been pinched. Probably with fingers. If you get a shot and it doesn’t pinch, you are a tough guy or all the nerves in your arm are dead.

And that, folks, was just the batch that did not involve the word "riddle." Those searches will be addressed on a different day.

Google on!

March Moments

So I am behind..you all can see that. To catch us up, I am going to do one post for March, April and May. Then we can get back to semi-daily posts. So, here it is - March in a nutshell:

-During a deposition when talking about diet, out came this quote:

I keep trying to turn my back on the pig, but it just keeps coming.

I almost didn't keep a straight face for that one.

-Best story for this month - at the office I decide to go and get my lunch as I was starving. I head into the kitchen and see three strangers (possibly clients) all sitting at the table. The minute I walk in, they stop in mid sentence and stare at me like *I* am intruding on *them* in the kitchen. Yeah, they do not work there. I do. It is lunch time and I am hungry. As they keep staring at me and eating our free pretzels and cheez its, I decide to leave. I find a coworker and tell the story. We go back into the kitchen where it is empty. While we are standing there, me in front of the microwave, two of them come back. The one guy then says "excuse me" to me so that he can get more free cheez its. Pretty ballsy to ask an employee of the place to move so that you can mooch some free snacks! 

-We apparently have a weathergirl at the office. Someone commented about how it was raining. Weathergirl said "I don't believe it is raining. According to the puddle, it is not." How very scientific.

That's it for March folks. It was a pretty stressful month as I was getting ready for and in trial. More on that in April.

Tales from The Courthouse

There is nothing like going to the courthouse to chase away your blues.  It is a rare courthouse trip that does not invite some humor or disbelief on my behalf and today was no exception.

First, I arrive at the courthouse and decide to use the ladies' room.  That 10 minute drive was something else.  So, after washing my hands I discover that there is no paper towel.  Standing there perplexed, I look around and spot what may be a hand dryer but like none I have ever seen. It is not square but more like an upside down water jug.  I draw nearer and see that there is something written on it:

Feel the Force.

Okay, call me intrigued. With no further instructions anywhere to be found, I proceed to stick my hands under the dryer when HOLY HELL - the dryer is so damn powerful it is MOVING MY SKIN.  This is not a test and certainly no joke.  I sat there and watched the skin on the back of my hand roll across my hand. It was so creepy.  I turned my hands over and watched the skin on my palms do the same thing.  So, so very wrong.  I had to seriously close my eyes for the rest of the drying procedure.  Luckily, the force was so strong, my hands were dry in no time flat. Wow. I know they say that you shouldn't believe everything you read, but if you are ever in a bathroom and it says "feel the force" on the hand dryer, do not doubt the force, for the force is indeed strong.

So, after that very scary event, I proceed up to the courtroom for a very humorous one. Waiting for my case to be called, I am witness to a sentencing for a DUI. This guy happens to be in his early 20s.  The probation department has written a sentencing guideline report for the judge. The judge asks this guy if he wants to say anything on his behalf. He wisely says no just as his attorney did a moment before.  Then the judge starts asking him questions and it all goes downhill from there.

The judge asks him if he is currently a student. He answers yes. Then the judge asks how many classes he is taking and he says "none."  The judge says "I thought you said you were enrolled in college."  The guys indicates that he is enrolled but is having financial aid problems.  The judge then asks when is the last time that he took classes and the guy says that he has never taken classes. He was enrolled in 2005 and then never got to take a class due to financial aid problems.  The judge then says "it appears that you and I have different definitions of the word 'enrolled', tell me have you ever taken a class at the college?" The guy says he has not and then states:

 

"There must have been a misunderstanding between me and the girl in probation. I told her that I was enROLLED not ENrolled."

Yes, he said the same word twice but with different inflection and, apparently, in his head, different meaning. Just listening to him I believe that he actually heard himself say it this way:

"I was ENrolled not INrolled."

Too much.  I immediately picked up my pen and wrote that down to bring straight to my blog.  No one else so much as batted an eye.  I guess such vernacular is par for the course around there.

That is not all that fine boy said. He also said he did not like AA because it was full of a bunch of alcoholics (he was on his second DUI).  He also wanted to find an AA group that was "enthusiastic" about being sober and not just full of a bunch of "losers."  As you can tell, he charmed the judge quite a bit.

There you have it. Stay tuned for more Tales from The Courthouse, brought to you weekly.

Hair Today...Gone Tomorrow

When I was a young lass in high school there was a sign hanging up in our chemistry class that said the above. I believe it was there to instruct us to use caution when mixing chemicals and performing labs so that we would not set our hair on fire. The saying always stuck with me, mainly because it made absolutely no sense. I know it is probably some spin off of here today, gone tomorrow, but still...

Anyway, the point of this post is not about high school and chem class, believe it or not. It does have to do with hair. My hair actually (surprise!). This recently happened to me.

I am sitting in my office minding my own business, working hard. I am approached by a coworker who says "so, you must not have court today." This is said all matter-of-fact. I look at the clock, see it is almost 10 a.m. and figure he must be talking about the time, although I can have a court appointment at anytime during the day. Puzzled, I respond "why do you say that?". His response is:

"Well look at your hair!"

Look at my hair?? I was wearing a sleek, pulled back low ponytail. What the hell was wrong with my hair? It was not a high cheerleader ponytail. It was not a ponytail on the side of my head circa 1980. It was not a ponytail on the top of my head. It was a professionally pulled back style. Unbelievable. It is even more so if you could see his assistant. She takes "bed head" to a whole other level. She doesn't have that sexy mussed up look, but rather the slept under four pillows with gel on look. And then she spends the entire day hairspraying it in place. She is single handedly destroying our ozone layer. I am convinced of it.

So...I have proceeded to wear my hair in a ponytail for the last week and a half. I am such a rebel - ha!

I'm back.....

So I have returned. Where have I been? Everywhere of course, and apparently too tired, busy, or lazy to post. Since I have been away for um, about 7 months, there is a lot to say. Rather than give a detailed accounting, however, I am opting for an edited list edition. So here it is. This is my life for the past 7 months in list form and probably forgetting half of what occurred.

1. Had my going away party. As you can see from the posted picture, there were a lot of green drinks. Yes, it was strange drinking a green margarita on St. Patrick’s Day, but as predicted the place was empty. The party was beyond boring! If not for my good friend J, I may have shot someone. However, since she was there, I left the gun play for those outside the bar. Yes, indeed, someone had a gun on St. Patrick’s Day. Go figure. No shots fired. Drunks arrested. Drunks inside the bar, however, still there to annoy me. Perfect ending to the not so perfect job.

2. No matter where you go in life, people are the same. Same zany work people, just different degrees. And, yes, people still complaint about missing itmes. Here at THE NEW PLACE I have received many emails regarding items I did not know we had (pliers) from places I did not know existed (Zerbie ring drawer). If you know where any of these items are or more importantly can translate “Zerbie ring drawer” for me, please let me know at once. I know I am sitting here missing something big at THE NEW PLACE as I type. BREAKING NEWS: My Secretary just handed me a memo and apparently Zerbie is some kind of paper binding system. Carry on. Crisis resolved.

3. My office, or rather, my phone is haunted. It’s true. I am being haunted by Roger. Apparently Roger used to have the extension that I have. So I now receive his voicemails from the past and sometimes, from Roger himself. Quite freaky. At first the HR person thought I was crazy. Then she thought she was crazy after listening to it. What she failed to realize is that Roger and I are like soul mates intertwined through electrical currents. Come to find out that Roger liked to send messages to himself in the future. Guess what I am getting? Yep, those messages. Who knows when this will end. I do know a lot about Roger now. Hee hee hee….

4. Overheard one day at THE NEW PLACE: a partner speaking to his secretary: "and don't be crying over your hair". Seriously.

5. My doctor wanted me to have a sleep study done and he said that the facility would contact me. It had been a week so I called them. Here is a transcript of the conversation:

Them: ISW

Me: Hi, my doctor wanted me to have a sleep study done at your facility and stated you were going to call me. It has been over a week so I just want to make sure that you received my paperwork.

Them: Okay, one minute

(2 seconds later)

Them: ISW, can I help you? (same girl)

Me: Yes, it is the same person you were just talking to and put on hold.

Them: No, we did not have anybody on hold.

Me: Yes, you just talked to me 2 seconds ago - supposed to have a sleep study done, wanted to make sure you have my paperwork....

Them: I can check that for you. When did you have your sleep study done?

Me: I HAVEN'T HAD A SLEEP STUDY DONE. I am supposed to have one scheduled.

Them: Okay, what is your name?

Me: First. Last.

Them: Okay First....go ahead with your last name.

Me: LAST

Them: That does not sound familiar but I will check.

(4 seconds later)

Them: I have your paperwork right here.

And I am supposed to trust their diagnosis?? No. I had the second sleep study done at another place. A little less ludicrous but still slightly crazy. I do have sleep apnea. The treatment? Look it up for yourself. You will be scared. More on that one later.

6. My cousin had a baby, a precious little girl. I was there for the whole event. Yes the WHOLE event. Words cannot describe, nor would you want them to. Ha! It was very beautiful and I was happy and proud to be a part of it. What was not beautiful was waiting around with a bunch of lunatics that I also happen to call family. That made for a LONG wait. One example before I move on – a nun (really) who kept telling the waiting room that it did not take this long when she gave birth (yep, never had), who broke all kinds of speeding laws to get to the hospital, and who loudly declared that my cousin should shoot her dog and kill it because it could possibly attack the baby. Yep, a nun. I actually asked her more than once if she really was a nun. She claimed it was true. Hmmmm…..I am still investigating that one.

7. Seen in court: Man wearing not only a priest collar but also a sheriff badge. Now what are the chances that he is both? I would say slim to none. Also, I don’t think a priest/sheriff would be getting a call from Social Services. He did. I heard the whole think because he is apparently deaf as well. I think he just could not decide which “costume” would better impress the judge, a priest or a sheriff so he went as both. Happy Halloween!!

Love in an Elevator

More like stuck in an elevator! I have been very fortunate, up until now, to never have had the pleasure to be stuck in an elevator. You would know what a feat this is, if you knew the kind of elevators I travel in on a weekly, and sometimes, daily basis. Old, old buildings and courthouses. I had often heard of people getting stuck, but liked to pretend that it wouldn't happen to me. Well, guess what happened today? You got it ~~ stuck in an elevator.

Now, I was the first one in the elevator and naturally moved to the far back corner. Don't ever do this! Trust me. Always stay in front. Since it was a busy day at court, people were literally smashing themselves in the elevator. We move up a couple of floors. Some people get off, but even more people get on. At that very moment I think "we are going to get stuck." Apparently the doors would not shut (a bad sign), so the two men in front FORCED THEM SHUT. Are you kidding me? Now we are stuck. We will not go up, we will not go down. The doors will not open. Nothing happens.

Instantly, it is is like 100 degrees in there. All I can think about is how Q told me that she was stuck in an elevator recently for an hour and a half. I think I will pass out. We are so crowded in that I cannot even reach down to my briefcase to get to my phone. People are asking if anyone has a signal. Some crazy lady starts yelling about how we are stuck (obviously) and that those guys should not have forced the door shut (no kidding) and how we will be lucky if we do not plummet to the ground. Nice. Now some girl is panicking. The elevator drops a bit. Oh boy. Two minutes pass by and we have two people shouting into their cell phones. Crazy lady is calling the judge to say she will be late (it hasn't even been five minutes) and to tell the judge's clerk that we are stuck because there is too much weight and we will surely fall. The guy next to me is yelling at his secretary to call the court because he is stuck and will be late. Meanwhile, there is a man in front who has astutely pressed the call button. Come to find out it is serviced by people in another state. That puts more people in a panic. But the lady calmly tells him to press some buttons. It doesn't do anything, but strangely it calms me. At least we are doing something.

So, the call person cannot hear the guy who is pushing the buttons because crazy lady won't get off her cell phone. Now there are people yelling at her, so the call person REALLY cannot hear. Finally, they tell us someone is on the way. I proceed to announce to the whole elevator that the minute the doors open I am outta here and not setting foot on another elevator in this building. No one seems fazed by my announcement. The doors start to open ~~ people stick their hands out. They get yelled at. Finally, they are able to open the doors about half way, but enough that you can get through. People start to leave. I, however, am blocked by a gaggle of people just standing there. Finally, I say "plan on leaving" and some guy actually asks if I think the elevator will start working now. HELLO??? The doors will only open half way. I say "If you are crazy enough to stay on this elevator, be my guest, but get the hell out of my way."

Finally, I am free! I then have to walk up 10 flights of stairs to my courtroom. Me and some guy. He was ahead of me for about three flights of stairs, but then his briefcase became too much for him. By the time I get to the courtroom, I am out of breath and attempting to tell the bailiff why I am there. I vow to walk all 17 flights of stairs down when I leave.

So, after sitting there for a while, it is time to go. I no longer want to walk 17 flights of stairs. I cautiously get on the elevator. I stay to the front. I notice it is not crowded. I start to feel okay. Then I feel a tap on my shoulder. It is my staircase buddy. He says "this is NOT a good sign, you and I on the same elevator together." We have a bond, him and I. Unfortunately, I do not want to bond again in another elevator incident so I close my eyes and hope for the best.

I did it. I made it down without incident. Then I went back to the office and berated the person whose conference I was covering. Not really. But I did tell him he owes me one.