It's Always a Barrel of Laughs for B

The other day when I arrived home, B was kind enough to open the fence for me. As I passed I asked him to check to see if there was a dent in my bumper.

B: Why would there be a dent in your bumper?

Me: Oh. I couldn't remember if I was in an accident this morning or not.

B: WHAT?

You see, that morning I was driving along the freeway I heard the distinct crunch of a plastic bumper. I looked up to see the guy behind me and the guy behind him pulling off to the side and wondered briefly if I was involved. I did not remember being jolted or feeling it occur.  

Then I promptly forgot until I was driving by B.

However, what makes the above scenario that much more ridiculous is that it was not the first time we had such a conversation in the past couple of weeks. Let's rewind, shall we?

~couple weeks prior~

While sitting in our screened-in back porch, I suddenly remembered to ask B:

Me: Hey! Check the front right end of my truck to see if it has orange paint on it.

B: Why would it have orange paint on it?

Me: Maybe, I hit some barrels?

Oh, I hit some barrels.  Let's just say it involved a bit of misjudgment on my part as to the speed of the car ahead of me, the tenancity of the semi truck next to me and my ability to slow down/stop on a dime.

Let's just say that maybe three barrels lost their life.

Let's just say I may have been completely mortified at having to stop at the side of the raod until I could get things under control.

I will say, though, there was no orange paint.

 

In My Dreams, I'm Still Insane

Remember last summer when I said my dreams would make a great plot to a movie? Yep, nothing much has changed on that front.  I have kept track of a few of my favorite dreams since then and, well, I will let them speak for themselves.  I will say that I did not change or embellish anything*. These are exactly as I dreamt them, although not all at once. I am not THAT crazy!

I am in an old grocery store that is now a restaurant, but yet still a grocery store. I look over and notice two very large lions lazily lying around outside the front doors.  Suddenly I realize that the lions know how to open the automatic doors and I bolt through the store with them chasing me. As I scream for help I realize that the workers are out back in the alley on a smoke break. I bust through the door yelling "the lions are chasing me." They laugh until I point at the lions. Knowing that the lions can also open doors with knobs, I run down the alley until I find a small indent in the wall and press myself into it. They never find me.

I am being chased. Again. I end up in a bowling alley. I then end up on a beach where there are tons of bugs and fire ants. Jersey is trying to bite them to keep them away from me. I am trying to shoo them with my feet so she doesn't get bit in the mouth. They bite me on my ass.  Right after the sting, I realize that I think there is a tooth in my gum. I pull it out of my mouth and sure enough there is a part of a tooth. I later tell B that I lost part of a tooth and when he asks to see, it turns out I lost three teeth, all in the front!  I vow never to chew gum again.  Especially if it is mint green.

Next, it is the day of my trial. We are holding it at a dining room table in the office.  My paralegal keeps talking so I tell her to leave. Next my secretary is there to take notes, but she keeps making calls on her cell phone so I tell her to leave.  Meanwhile, we have a break and I leave to use the bathroom and get lost in a sea of buildings and floors trying to find my way back and panicking with every step.  Finally, the judge's clerk finds me and assures me that is okay. However, once I arrive I realize I do not have my file or even one piece of paper that I need for the trial.  I tell the court. The usually mean judge comes in laughing and asks why I didn't notice when I left that morning that I wasn't carrying anything. I have no answer for her.  Then she asks why I didn't think about it when I was reviewing my file last night. I don't bother to tell her that I didnt review it all because I had planned on "winging it."

We then go back to my office to actually review my file and there are these large black flying bugs around. I start screaming and decide we need to leave before they get me.  On our way out, my boss who has inexplicably turned into my uncle assures us that it is okay, that the bugs are harmless. When I tell him that one landed on my head and was stinging me, he tells me I am wrong. The bugs simply need to poop somewhere.

I am called into my office manager's office and told that my outfit is not work appropriate and I will need a whole new wardrobe. I am wearing a skirt, heels, a blouse and a blazer. I sarcastically say "do I get a wardrobe stipend?" and am told in fact I have $1500 and don't worry because the shop will call to appropriately dress me.

I am on my way to work heading up a staircase with apparently every single person in my office building. I am also carrying a child. I run into my former boss and we exchange pleasantries although I really hate her. I then run into my current boss who is wearing a bright yellow ruffled sleevless shirt which makes me think he looks like a clown. He tells me that people think we are "too close." I am tell him that is because we are close, we live near each other. I then realize he is the actor that plays the detective on Dexter.  I still have the baby.  After folding up my bicycle, I realize I have to be somewhere that babies aren't allowed. I find my former boss in her office working on her laptop on her bed and ask her to watch the baby. She says okay halfheartedly and tosses the baby to the side. I scream "Well EXCUSE ME but you are the only one that knows how to care for a baby around here."

On my way out, I drive my car straight into a hotel pool. Luckily it was in the shallow end and I could escape.

Later, I fall in love with the actor that plays Mark Zuckerberg in the Facebook movie. My other boyfriend didn't like that I was in love with two men at once so he made me break up with him. But as actor/Mark guy crossed the street after I dumped him, I could not bear to lose him and chased him down. We then discussed plots to TV shows.

I am at a trial, but again I dont have materials. Turns out I am not trying the case, but I am a witness. Then it turns out I am the defendant. I am accused of hitting a guy with a hamburger. The defense counsel, including Don Draper of Mad Men, tells me that I should tell the jury how much I love hamburgers. I think this is a terrible defense because there was a whole shelf of things I could have hit him with so if I loved hamburgers, naturally I would choose the hamburger. My attorney said "no, you would never waste a good hamburger by throwing it at someone." Good point.

I rest my case.  But not my dreams.

Is it any wonder that I look like this on some nights?

*I started writing this in July of 2010. Upon reading it today, even I think these dreams sound fictional. However, I know they are not as I never lie to myself.**

**That I know of.

It Wouldn't Be Thanksgiving Unless There Was a Roast

No, we didn't eat roast on Thanksgiving, but we sure had one.  As we finished eating, B started telling story after story. About ME.  Seriously.  One after the other. Non. Stop.

It started with the story about how I made mustard chicken once. That was followed by the time I cut my finger on a can of corn.  That segwayed to the time he did not believe I needed to go to the hospital, but oh yeah, my appendix needed to come out.  And my gallbladder.  Then he somehow started talking about the time I locked myself out of the house.  

It was starting to sound like a bad blog regurgitation/stand up comedy routine.  Except these people didn't know that I had a blog, so it sounded like a "let's make fun of Dani on this holiday upon which we give thanks."  

COME UP WITH YOUR OWN MATERIAL, B!

Just kidding.  In fact, sometimes I think B practically writes this blog, he just doesn't know it. In fact, he sparked the whole conversation my family had at the now annual Thanksgiving day breakfast. What would that be?

The zombie apocalypse of course.

B told me about his friend who is fully prepared for said apocalypse and even shared his extensive plan WITH HIS CHILDREN.

I decided this must be discussed at breakfast despite the fact that my brother and father do not share my love for zombies.  Can I tell you that zombies are now the great conversation equalizer? It is the truth. Bring it up and people will join in.  Just the other day I said to my coworkers "The zombie apocalypse is coming and I fear I am not prepared."  People immediately offered ideas and banded together against this purely fictionalized idea.  Zombies. Bringing people together while scaring the living shit out of them.

So what did my family accomplish during Thanksgiving breakfast?  Check this out:

• B would live on an island so the zombies wouldn't get to him.
• His friend thinks zombies could just walk under the water and get him.
• My dad says no one, even dead people, can walk under water without their heads being crushed from the pressure.
• My brother says crushing heads is an effective way to kill a zombie.
• I ponder why there are no zombie animals.
• B says because the zombies cannot catch them.
• My brother says it is due to noncommunicable transfer - kind of like dogs and cats not being able to have sex.
• My brother is smart.
• The zombies will want his brain first.
• Do zombies pick and choose brains or is it all just meat?
• Why do zombies eat brains anyway?
• Finally, my mom wants to know when we are going to start talking about vampires.

You should hear what we discuss on Christmas.

Halloween Part Deux - Peanut Butter, Caution Tape and Cold Asses. Well Maybe Just One.

As you may be aware, the other night was Halloween. If you have been reading for a while, then you also know that we get a lot of children in these parts. And I mean a lot! Remember last year?  This year was no different.  The first car load was dropped off on a corner at 4:30!  After about 45 minutes they started making their way down the street even though it was still light.  By 5:30 things were in full swing and we were passing out candy left and right.

B grew big pumpkins again this year, although not as big as last year. He also carved three of them. I carved none.  

This is the one with all of the holes drilled in that looks so cool at night lit up:

This is B's pumpkin face:

Our nephew. You can find more of his Halloween pictures here:

He looked like he had many fingers, but he only had 10:

You are probably wondering what this is all about. Well, my sister-in-law took part in an advance sneak peek at some new Snickers candy.  As part of the campaign, she got materials and treats to give out on Halloween and she and my nephew came to our house since we get a lot of traffic.  We put up the Snickers sign, the tape, and the spiderwebs:

My nephew only cared about the pumpkins:

We were the only house on the block with the treats. Even adults were asking for them. I totally made up a random rule that if a child read the sign out loud they got a treat.* You cannot believe how many read it out loud!

Darkness finally fell:

And we finally ran out of candy.**  Not before seeing a Jason Voorheis adult sized mask on a five year old thereby making him the first horror movie dwarf, a equally small but proportionate Freddy Kreuger and the 10 year old in some kind of mask with, what I hope was a plastic bayonet, strolling down the street at a determined pace without a bag of candy. I hope he wasn't killing anyone.

And if you were wondering, the new Snickers has a secret ingredient:

Yes, it is peanut butter. I thought it tasted like a regular Snickers but when I ate them back to back I could tell the difference. Why yes I had to eat more than a few. Research people!

Next year I am going to convince B that we should do this to our house:

Piece of cake.  Or candy if you will.

*I had other random rules such as "OH MY GOD THAT KID IS SO CUTE - give him lots of candy."

**Or maybe we didn't, but I feared we would. And my butt was cold. Really cold.

October Roared in Like a Lion and Then Bit Me in the Ass. And It is Cold.

October is almost over with and fall is in the air. Well, actually I would like to call it WINTER.  It is freezing here.  For God's sake, B turned on the furnace! Only by one degree, but whatever. Seriously, the man turned the furnace on by one degree.  One morning as he was leaving for work and puzzling about why half my clothes were off and he was freezing (I get hot when I sleep), he announced "I EVEN turned on the furnace." I was shocked. I was even more shocked when I came home and it didn't seem to be any warmer in the house. So I looked at the thermostat: 62 degrees.  Um, not exactly a heatwave.  So I query:

Me: I thought you turned the furnace on.

B: I did!

Me: But it is cold in here.

B: It is on!

Me: But it says it is only 62 degrees in here.

B: Yes, but it WAS 61.

Me: Um, what?

B: It was 61 in here but it was chilly so I turned it up to 62.

Me: Let me get this straight. You turned on the furnace to heat this place up by one degree.

B: Well, it took the chill off.

Me: You are a rebel.

So now it is slightly warmer, but still dang cold for October around here.  Maybe by November we can turn it up to 65. So wild!

In completely different news, Jersey went for her monthly bath. She came home with a very cute bandanna. The bandanna never lasts long because B takes it off. Not Jersey. B.   Something about it being too girly.  Um, bandannas are SO not girly. And this one was seasonal:

How dang cool does she look? COOL not cute.  She can't be girly.  I would reckon to say she looks like a stud:

You know, if she was a boy and all.  Also, that bandanna makes her look fat.  Look at that neck roll. It is the Sharpei in her, I swear.

What else did October bring other than werewolves and getting locked out of houses? Evil Dead the Musical. Twice.  Once just isn't enough. That is not their slogan, but mine. Did you even knew such a thing exists?  It does.  Did you know that you must go see it if given the opportunity? You must.  It will change your life.  You will break out into spontaneous songs singing things like "Do the Necrnomican" and singing "Candarian Demon" while making demon hands and looking at your dog who thinks you have gone nuts.  You will sit in the splatter zone and come home with "blood" in your hair and all over your clothes. 

So I just had to get up to let Jersey out and did the demon hands and she jumped and bit my arm. I may be bleeding for real.

I love Halloween.

Sex, Marry or Kill - Dexter Edition. Which Would You Choose?

Hey Dexter fans!

Tonight is the season premiere, in about a half hour.  I, sadly, will not be watching it with you as we are in a fight with our cable company and the end result so far is no Showtime.  Go figure.  Luckily, I was asked to write an advance review for Daemon's TV and was able to watch the first three episodes of this season.  You can read my review here.

I think this is going to be a fantastic season. I liked what I have seen so far.  If you watch it, come back and tell me what you thought or leave a comment on my review.

On to more pressing matters...

As I was watching the new episodes, I kept saying to myself, "I LOVE Dexter." And I do. But that got me thinking - could I REALLY love Dexter? Like LOVE, LOVE? As in 'til death do us part?

Here's the thing. He is a serial killer.  But he only kills bad people?  But he loves doing it. And he only kills bad people because he was told that is how he should do it to avoid getting caught. If not for the code, wouldn't he just kill anyone without a second thought?  Therein lies the conflict.

Could you be with a killer if you knew he/she would only kill those that truly deserved it? Could you trust that person?  Would that person make you feel safe or terrified? I have my own thoughts, but would love to hear what you have to say.

So, let's start it out this way.  If you HAD to choose one, which would you choose to do with a serial killer?

1. Have sex
2. Marry
3. Kill

For the ladies, it is Dexter or someone like him. For the men, it is the female version of Dexter who is smoking hot.

Take it away...which would you choose?

And then check out what Daemon's readers would choose here.

If My Dreams Were a Plot to the Movie of My Life

I would do a lot of running as I would be chased a lot. Sometimes I would get caught. Mostly I would not. Usually I would get tired.

I would find myself inexplicably deserted topless in South Africa. I would find a scarf, cover myself up, find a payphone and after hitting the one and only button, continuously repeat "American Embassy" until the next scene showed me back in the US with no further explanation.

My mom and John Mayer would get in a fight at Thanksgiving dinner. He would try to show off by speaking in a different language. My mom would talk back. John Mayer would inform me that my Mom was actually speaking Turkish while he was speaking Yiddish so he could not understand her. However, he would be massively impressed with her intelligence. I would set aside my belief that he is a douche and we would all leave happy.

The dinosaurs would roam the earth again, recurrently throughout the movie. We would all run through the alleys to escape while the overhead speakers on the telephone poles would blare "The dinosaurs are coming, The dinosaurs are coming" in case we did not know.

The cats would be crying all of the time.

I would get chased by murderers and spend an inordinate amount of time running, screaming and hiding.

A man would want to change my dad's arm (played by another person of course) into a two clawed slimy thing (kind of like MaryAnn's arm when she turns in True Blood). However, my dad would be given the choice to have them do mine instead, which he would choose. This procedure would involve amputation. Since I have never had my arm amputated before, I will choose to pretend it feels like getting stitches and so it will. My "dad" will faint at the scene. I will never get to see my claw.

I would then be on a table being forced into an ultrasound even though I am not pregnant. They will get my cooperation by waterboarding me. Then another woman will jump on top of me and do CPR like movements to my stomach chanting "make a baby, make a baby". Later, I will review an ad I placed in the paper that looks like an obit except it is pink and has a unicorn on it. It will announce the "end" of the baby that never existed which will be named something like Email Text Chain and will state that although I claim there never was one, the baby is now gone.

The movie will end with me trying to drive up a freeway ramp that goes straight in the air while in a convertible. Miraculously, I will not fall out of the car.

And there will be choregraphed scenes, probably involving music.

Who wants to be my producer?

*All of the scenarios above are from actual dreams I have had. Some, like the dinosaurs, since childhood. Most of them recently. I am not on any drugs.

Crime Watch Wednesday - Don't Use Your Own Cellphone, GPS is a Bitch (Except Vicki - I Love Her)

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday is a special Mom edition. Apparently, there are wacky criminals in my Mom's hood as well and she was sweet enough to share her local paper with me. This incident serves as a warning to all would be criminals - make sure you don't use your own cell phone in the commission of a crime.

A man was arrested shortly after robbing a pizza delivery guy. The police were able to find the suspect so quickly because he used his own cell phone to order the pizza. Oh, and then they just tracked him directly to his house where he admitted he was guilty.

I bet the pizza wasn't even cold.

Seriously. He apparently had the good sense to not have the pizza delivered to his house, but didn't think twice about using his CELL PHONE, you know that thing that runs on towers with signals and tracking, to order the pizza? Sadly, the article did not give the exact details of the crime. Happily, I am willing to recreate it for you:

Criminal: Yeah, I'd like to order a small pizza. Just cheese.

Pizza place: That'll be $5.00. Would you like that delivered?

Criminal: Yep, bring it right away. Also, I need you to bring a lot of change. I only have a $50 bill...I mean a $100...I mean a $200 bill. Yeah, bring a lot of change.

Pizza place: Um, okay.

{An hour later even though it was supposed to be 30 minutes or less}

Pizza man: Here is your small cheese pizza.

Criminal: Gimme all your money sucka!

Criminal: I know you have at least $200

Pizza man: I have $20.

Criminal: Whatever sucka

{Five minutes later at criminal's residence}

Police: You are under arrest.

Criminal: How did you know it was me?

Police: We traced the number you used to order the pizza and you were here.

Criminal: You got me copper! I confess.

GPS* - leading people around the world and stopping criminals in their tracks. GPS rocks. Especially Vicky. Is she still listening?

*I don't even know if GPS is what is used to track a cellphone, but I bet it is. Vicky is too wise to not be used for such important functions as catching criminals.**

**Seriously, is she still listening?

Sometimes I Can Only Process One Thing in My Brain. That Makes it Monotastic Time!

One week ago I had a trial. It lasted two and a half days. I spent a week and a half preparing for it. All I could think about that entire time and almost through today, a week later, were the details of the trial. Seriously.

I know every date that woman had treatment. Every doctor with whom she treated. The dates she received care by friends. The dates she missed work. Her alleged injuries. The name of her children.

But that is all I know.

My brain, although I would like to think it is quite large, when it goes into trial function, can only process one subject - TRIAL. In fact, my response to almost everything was screaming "I AM IN TRIAL." It didn't matter what the question was:

"We need to talk about refinancing" : I AM IN TRIAL!

"What kind of new car do you want?" : I AM IN TRIAL!

"Are you going to eat that?" : I AM IN TRIAL!

Special shout out to B who put up with me for those two weeks. I am sure it wasn't easy. Also, a special shout out to Jersey who was quite distracting when I needed it most.

Anyway, I am here to say that now I have put it all behind me and I am ready to use sentences that do not involve the words "trial," "objection," "your honor," and "assholes." Okay, maybe not that last one.

Trial is exhausting.

Tonight while driving home, I stopped at a light and saw a man on the corner with headphones on - dancing away. Actually, he was putting on quite a show for those watching. Huge smile. Crazy moves. Seriously a cross between rap and the robot? Anyway, he made me smile. In fact, he was in the exact spot that the guy told B that he was just "singing a song." This guy was just dancing a dance.

And it reminded me of a conversation earlier today when a colleague asked if I ever wished I was doing something else with my life. Something creative. I told him that I thought about that a lot. Lawyering is exhausting, frustrating and time consuming.

And tonight? Tonight I wanted to be that man on the corner, just dancing a dance with the hugest smile ever. No obvious cares.

Lord knows I shouldn't sing in public.

This Doesn't Sound Like a Very Good Horoscope

The other day, I found this horoscope in my email box. At first it sounded delightful:

You are on the brink of something fantastic, DANIELLE, so just hang in there a little bit longer. It could be that you feel like the little train engine who is slowly working her way up the mountain. Perhaps you have made compromises and sacrifices along the way in order to get where you are. Just keep going. Pretty soon you will top the crest, and the rest of the journey will be all downhill. The tremendous work you have put in will pay off generously.

Wait.

"The rest of the journey will be all downhill."

Downhill? Doesn't that sound...um, bad? Like, "oh, it's all downhill from here" [insert sad face].

I mean, really. Who wants to "top the crest" only to fall all the way down. Can't I stay on that crest for a while?

Lessons learned:

1. Hard work does NOT pay off.
2. Crests are temporary.
3. Being at the top means you are going to fall.
4. Downhill = bad
5. Horoscopes are stupid.

Sure I will Do Your Math for You, You Are Only the Cashier

On Friday I stopped at the store in my office building to buy two lotto tickets. After a hard day at work I decided I wanted to become a millionaire. Also? My mom and I entered into a pact to go in on lotto tickets together. I am in charge of January. So far I have bought 3 tickets out of 6. I suck and we are never going to be millionaires.

While I was there buying the tickets, I noticed that they also sold scratchoffs. I love me some scratchoffs, or scratchers as some call them. I, however, cannot call them that because it sounds weird to me. Anyhow I tell the cashier that I want a specific scratchoff and she proceeds to pull off the wrong one. After explaining which one I want, I decide that I want the one she pulled off because it is now lucky.*

That is when the REAL confusion began. The lotto tickets were $2, the first scratchoff was $2, and the second was $2. That came to $6. I gave her a 10.

Cashier: How much do you owe me?

Me: $6. I gave you a 10

Cashier: How much do I owe you?

Me: $4

Cashier: [holding a 10 and a 5] Is this 10 yours?

Me: Yes. You owe me $4

Cashier: Did you give me this 5?

Me: No.

Cashier: How much was this?

Me: $6. You owe me $4.

Cashier: I need to change this $5 from the main register to give you change.

Me: Okay.

Cashier: Now what do I give you?

Me: $4

Cashier: [blank look]

Me: Take the 5 singles out of the register and put the $5 bill in it. Give me 4 singles and put the other single in the lotto register.

Cashier: Okay.

Me: By the way, you owe me 20.

No, I didn't say that last part. But I could have. She would have given me a 20. And the 10. And the 5. That is what we call a bad day.

And that last minute scratchoff? Totally a winner. A $2 winner.

At least I got my money back on that one. The others were a bust.

Now, if I could just get my sanity back.

*One time at another location I asked for a scratchoff and got the wrong one. I went back in and asked for the right one and the woman behind the counter pulled out this mangled ticket that looked like a dog ate it. I won $50 from it.**

**I just realized that the foregoing example was poor because it was not the wrong ticket that was the winner. Great. Now my whole theory is shot and I just have to buy all of the scratchoffs I see.

***Please send money.

Apparently I Am Still Psychic. This is Good News. But Only for Celebrities.

The other day I was driving down the street, which is a time when all good thoughts find me, when I was suddenly slapped by this thought:

Madonna is now single. Sean Penn is now single. They really loved each other once. I wonder if they will get back together again. Remember that time he punched out the paps? He can be rather mean. Or tough. How sexy.

Okay, that was more than one thought. But, then I came home and I read this.

Well, well, well. I am on to something. My psychic ability knows no bounds. Unless you consider only the lives of celebrities as a bounds. Frankly, I don't. However, I am at a loss at to how to make this newfound ability profitable. Thoughts?

While you are thinking about that, let's discuss something else important and which probably made me think of Madonna and Sean Penn in the first place.

Dexter.

If you don't know this already, John Lithgow was on the latest season of Dexter playing a psychopath. I won't tell you what happens because I hate when people do that and the show is really not the point of this post. The point? B is convinced that John Lithgow is a serial killer in real life because he played one so well on TV. This led me to ponder what roles I see as being that of the "true" actor/actress. Here is what I have come up with:

Sean Penn is the character he played in Mystic River. See above.

Kate Hudson is her character from Almost Famous.

Sarah Michelle Gellar is the character from Buffy, but I think we all know and would agree with that.

Christian Bale is the character from American Psycho. Honestly, he can scare me. Did you hear that on-set rant?

Brad Pitt is his character from Seven. I know Brad would like me to say the character from the Oceans 11 franchise, but, sorry Brad, it isn't so.

Our First Halloween: Pumpkins, a Dragon, and Many Cars

This was our first Halloween in the new house. We had been warned about the number of kids/adult trick or treaters that we may encounter. We border another city that has a really early curfew (6 pm) due to crime and other issues, so those parents usually bring their children to our side...in cars. Our street was packed.

We invited B's sister and her family over to trick or treat with us and help us pass out candy. We had so much fun!

First up - the carved pumpkins. This one was mine:

B carved this one to look like it had fallen. One poor girl was traumatized until her father said "he is just sleeping." A few other children pointed out that he had fallen over. I guess B is a genius. And a sadist.

B drilled holes into this one and it looked great lit up. We left it in our backyard glowing eerily all night. Of course THAT picture didn't turn out. Side note: I hate my camera and/or the memory card that messes up half my pictures.

Here is another one that B carved. Before I went to go look at it, I asked him what kind of face he carved and he replied "a happy one." Um, well...

My pumpkin was quite disturbed to discover he had lost part of his scalp:

B's pumpkin, on the other hand, didn't seem to mind:

There is our nephew, dressed as a SCARY dragon, going to greet the early trick or treaters:

And there he is sticking his head in B's pumpkins. Did I tell you he is obsessed with pumpkins?

I wanted a picture of the pumpkins lit up at night. B wanted to ham it up with our brother-in-law, so they are pretending B is handing out candy and my brother-in-law is a child with a back problem:

After B's sister and her family returned from trick or treating, they told us some guy on the next block had a hearse. No biggie to us as he drives it every day. Apparently, though, he decked it out for Halloween and it included lights, a fog machine and scary music. You had to reach into the hearse to get your candy. Spooky!

Toward the end of the night, the kids mainly came in cars. Our street was packed:

It was a terrific night! Just when I thought we would have a ton of left over candy, the second shift came and nearly wiped us out. Luckily we were smart enough to turn out our light when we had two small bags left (100,000 bars - YUM). In case you were wondering, we bought approximately 900 pieces of candy.

Some other highlights from the night included:

• The 2 year old dressed like Michael Jackson, complete with hat, glove, socks, and sunglasses who would only say "oooh oooh" very softly under his breath.
• Seeing Mario run down our street to meet up with a kid dressed as a bicycle cop, complete with the bicycle
• Seeing Mario's father walk down the street 15 minutes later stating "I lost my Mario" only to return later to declare "I found him. He was under a giant mushroom."
• Seeing two teenagers in masks stare each other down in our walkway and asking B if he knew why they were having a "mask off"
• The mustard and ketchup costumes that we thought were crayons from across the street
• The woman that asked our in laws if she could pay them a couple of dollars to use our bathroom
• Our elderly next door neighbor running over dressed as the killer from Scream and holding a doll from The Scream painting which made noises and scared the crap out of the kids asking for candy
• Our neighbors' bat hanging from their doorway that was supposed to make noises when anyone approached, but wouldn't do anything unless he clapped so he would open the door, clap, scare the kids and then the bat would make noise
• B telling me to go pretend I was a scarecrow and scare the kids but instead I scared myself when the cornstalk touched me

Even the plants in our garden turned orange for the occasion:

Hope your Halloween was filled with candy, costumes and cute kids!

Is That a Long Tube of Cotton Sticking Out of Your Ear?

The other day B picked up a small box I had received in the mail, held it to his ear, shook it and said "What do we have here?" in a weird British accent. I said "Tampons." He put them down and said "Whelp, I wont be needing those."

I hope not.

But if he does? I have PLENTY. You know my little obsession with buying bargains/deals? Well, when I wasn't looking, I apparently bought an entire store of tampons. I seriously keep finding them everywhere. I could supply a whole village. Well, if they only all just used one which would be weird. You get my point.

Instead of supplying a village, I decided to come up with some creative uses for my abundance of product. In no particular order:

Wine stoppers (who wants to come party with us now?)

Drain clogs

Upside down hanging ghosts (perfect for Halloween!)

Tie to a stick for a cat toy

Use as a newfangled way to "drink" vodka

Use as earplugs when the cats won't stop hissing, yelling and crying (like now)

Use as a newfangled way to get the cats to drink vodka so they will be quiet

The options truly are endless.

This picture was taken by my Mom's house. How fun are those fall decorations?

*This insane post is brought to you by too many hours at the office and not enough hours in the bed. At this time I would like to thank my sponsor, i.e. the law firm. I couldn't have done this without you. Cheers!

A Deal is Made and No One is The Wiser

No one was around when the stranger quietly approached me with an earnest look on her face:

Girl: Do you have any extra?

Me: I may have a few. How many do you need? One, two...?

I was hoping it wasn't more than that. I was very protective of my stash.

Girl: Just one.

Girl: I can't get my hands on any.

Me: What value do you have there?

Girl: Seventeen.

Me: I have just what you need.

Girl: Are you sure?

Me: Trust me.

With a slight flick of my wrist, a transfer was made. I commented about how it seemed so shady. We were whispering after all. She laughed heartily and said "I won't tell, if you don't."

I then steered my cart toward the bakeware while I pondered how many 20% off coupons I would need for my purchase.

Halloween Came a Little Early

As we did last year, this past weekend we went on our family trip for an old time Halloween trick or treat walk. Unlike last year, B did not trip me on the bridge. I consider that a success. This year, our nephew L dressed like a dragon. A SCARY dragon:

Yes, he basically spent the entire trip staring in awe from the wagon while eating an apple. I think he was just trying to take it all in.

And in typical B fashion, he tried to snap millions of candids of me. I decided to return the favor. We have a lot of photos like this:

and this:

My favorite part of the walk however was the scarecrows. We knew from last year that there were three scarecrows and one of them was a real person that would scare whomever took a picture by it. This one was fake:

This one was real:

That is my brother-in-law and B's cousin's boy running from the scarecrow. My BIL convinced poor G to have his picture taken knowing that scarecrow was real. If you want to see the before picture, head over to my SIL Jenny's blog.* Speaking of Jenny, here is a great family shot by a huge thing of carved pumpkins:

Look how cool and spooky they are without a flash:

It was a really fun time especially since B's cousin was there and her kids all dressed up. Alas, we didn't play any cruel jokes on the people around us by claiming that our baby was missing upon exiting the bridge. However, the bridge was extra spooky his year because it had crazy lighting in there. That may be why B didn't trip me; he was distracted.

Happy Almost Halloween!

*You can also see more pictures of L and his skeleton pjs!