Monday, June 28, 2010

If My Dreams Were a Plot to the Movie of My Life

I would do a lot of running as I would be chased a lot. Sometimes I would get caught. Mostly I would not. Usually I would get tired.

I would find myself inexplicably deserted topless in South Africa. I would find a scarf, cover myself up, find a payphone and after hitting the one and only button, continuously repeat "American Embassy" until the next scene showed me back in the US with no further explanation.

My mom and John Mayer would get in a fight at Thanksgiving dinner. He would try to show off by speaking in a different language. My mom would talk back. John Mayer would inform me that my Mom was actually speaking Turkish while he was speaking Yiddish so he could not understand her. However, he would be massively impressed with her intelligence. I would set aside my belief that he is a douche and we would all leave happy.

The dinosaurs would roam the earth again, recurrently throughout the movie. We would all run through the alleys to escape while the overhead speakers on the telephone poles would blare "The dinosaurs are coming, The dinosaurs are coming" in case we did not know.

The cats would be crying all of the time.

I would get chased by murderers and spend an inordinate amount of time running, screaming and hiding.

A man would want to change my dad's arm (played by another person of course) into a two clawed slimy thing (kind of like MaryAnn's arm when she turns in True Blood). However, my dad would be given the choice to have them do mine instead, which he would choose. This procedure would involve amputation. Since I have never had my arm amputated before, I will choose to pretend it feels like getting stitches and so it will. My "dad" will faint at the scene. I will never get to see my claw.

I would then be on a table being forced into an ultrasound even though I am not pregnant. They will get my cooperation by waterboarding me. Then another woman will jump on top of me and do CPR like movements to my stomach chanting "make a baby, make a baby". Later, I will review an ad I placed in the paper that looks like an obit except it is pink and has a unicorn on it. It will announce the "end" of the baby that never existed which will be named something like Email Text Chain and will state that although I claim there never was one, the baby is now gone.

The movie will end with me trying to drive up a freeway ramp that goes straight in the air while in a convertible. Miraculously, I will not fall out of the car.

And there will be choregraphed scenes, probably involving music.

Who wants to be my producer?

*All of the scenarios above are from actual dreams I have had. Some, like the dinosaurs, since childhood. Most of them recently. I am not on any drugs.

5 important things being said:

Debi said...

Ok, let's see if this will work and not tell you that "My Mother had one just like it" (guess I won't be winning that contest LOL)

Anyhow, ROFL, you do dream just like me, it is very tiring and sometimes never ending, but always very interesting.
( I am still trying to figure out that teeny tiny baby that is always in my dreams )

j'lynn said...

I read this at work today and laughed until I cried! This is a classic!!!! hehehehehehe Love it! :)

*~Dani~* said...

Debi - I kind of liked the "pick me as a winner" comments. Maybe it is just fate that you will win that item? I have a theory about your teeny tiny baby dream that I think is quite brilliant. Remind me to tell you because my brilliance does not extend to remembering to tell people about my brilliance.

jlynn - it is funny when you read it not when you live it (or dream it). God dreams crack me up!

Jennifer said...

What are you on?????? That is a crazy dream indeed. John Mayer? You should be ashamed. He is a dirty dog. I think my dreams about Brody Jenner are much klassier.

*~Dani~* said...

Jennifer - I am not on drugs. This wasn't even a Nyquil night! At least I wasnt making out with John Mayer like that crazy Carson Daly dream I had. You are right though, Brody Jenner dreams for the win!

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