I Only Want It If It Is Exquisite

It was probably the worst day and time to go to the post office. Just a few weeks before Christmas, prime mailing time. It was also 1:00. Everyone though that was a good time. It was not a good time. In fact, it was right smack in the middle of the worker's lunch so there was only one cashier to assist the ever growing line.

I had no choice. My swap buddy needed her gift and I had sold some DVDs that I can only presume were going to be Christmas presents.  So I waited along with everyone else.

Midway to my destination, I noticed the guy in front of me and took a really good look at him.  He was wearing dress slacks, a mid length black leather coat, a hat that was somewhere between a cowboy hat and a fedora, and rose colored glasses.  

He also had nothing in his hands whatsoever.

Unusual as most people had multiple packages and envelopes in our hands and we were all trying to figure out where to set them down to ease our burdens.  So I wondered why the man in front of me was there.* Finally, we reached our destination and he was next.  He stepped up to the counter and very quietly and with great concentration said:

"I would like one exquisite stamp."

While I tried to wrap my head around why someone would wait in line for almost an hour, the cashier tried to find him an exquisite stamp:

"How about this one?"

"Nope."

"This one?"

"Nope."

He eliminated them all until none were left and finally settled on one.  Then he wanted to pay his 42 cents or whatever and take one stamp.  After much debate, he was told he would have to buy the whole book and that he could not, in fact, have just one exquisite stamp.

I guess you can't always get what you want, especially if it is exquisite.

Here's hoping you got everything you wanted today and throughout the year!

Merry Christmas,
Peace and Love,

 

Quick Poll as This Year Comes to an End to Determine Whether You Know B and I

While everyone else in the blogosphere is focusing on the new year, resolutions, and reliving the past, I like to focus on what is really important - what I plan on doing tonight. 

Not much.

How fun was that? It will undoubtedly involve watching movies, flipping TV channels and surfing the net. B has to work, although he will be home before midnight.

In honor of my huge plans, I bring you a post I wrote in June. No kidding.  Be prepared for more of that in 2011.  New Year/Old Posts. That's my new slogan.

So...

The following movies were just shipped to our house by Netflix:

1. Daybreakers

2. Capturing the Killer Croc

3. Descent: Part 2

4. 2012

So, my faithful blog readers, which 2 movies belong to B and which two belong to me? I think this might be an easy one, but you never know.

Bonus points to the person who can guess who in this house is receiving the following movie:

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

What say you, readers?

Whether you are staying in and watching movies, going out and partying, watching the ball drop, or sleeping through the New Year, stay safe and have a great time.

From our family to yours,

Sometimes the Cruelest Jokes Are the Accidental Ones

So, if you know me, you know I like to win prizes. I really like to win prizes that are delivered to me by UPS. So thrilling.

You can imagine my excitement then yesterday while I was exhaustedly slumped over my keyboard trying to come up with an interesting or witty post, but instead coming up with this, when I distinctly heard the UPS truck. My head snapped up and my ears perked up, much like Jersey's do when she hears B's car.  

I ran over to the window and, sure enough, there was the UPS truck parked the wrong way in the street in front of the house next to ours.  I thought to myself "I will give you a pass for parking the wrong way, if you bring me a prize Mr. UPS Guy."  Okay, so I might have said that out loud.

The UPS driver got out of the truck with a big box that looked like it contained, well, a big box of prizes and headed my way. I jumped up and down and began screaming like a girl.  I ran down the stairs to get my prize as Jersey was running upstairs to save me from some insane intruder that would dare to make her master scream.  So I shouted, "Outta my way, baby girl.  OUTTA MY WAY THERE IS A PRIZE" and ran toward the front door. Jersey immediately changed direction to follow me toward what could only be the insane attacker.

As I smiled at the UPS driver upon opening the door, Jersey let out the meanest bark and tried to get out the front door.  So there I am jammed between the big front door and the screen door, trying to grab my box and trying to prevent my dog from escaping all the while ensuring the poor UPS guy that my ferociously barking dog just wants to lick him.  Luckily, he was an animal lover and in no time, the two of us managed to get my box and get the dog safely back inside.  

I turned around murmuring to Jersey about how she was such a good protector and her bark was so fierce when I read the label on the box that clearly said:

TO B

You have got to be kidding me! The box wasn't even for me.  I might have yelled that out loud too.  I may have also dropped the box right where I was standing and stalked upstairs to pout.  Jersey tried to cheer me up, so I hugged her and told her she was the best prize a girl could have.

Yeah, I lied.





*Jersey really is the greatest gift and I enjoy each day with her and love coming home to her.


**I still want a prize delivery though.

What's That Spammer? You Want to Give Me Money as a Woman of the Day? Thanks! Wait. What?

I recently received the following spam email. At my work email address, no less. I must say that this is one of the funniest I have received in a while. I should also let you know that the subject was "Dear In-Christ." Of course, that is what caught my eye. Of course, I have absolutely no idea what that means. Since when has that ever stopped me?

For your viewing and deciphering pleasure:

Dear Sir/Madam,

My name is Mrs Doris C. E, am 75yrs old of age, i stay in new york city, USA.I am a good merchant, I have several industrial companies and good share in various banks in the world.I spend all my life on investment and coporate business. all the way ilost my husband and two beautiful kids in fatal accident that occur in november 5th 2003.

I am a very greedy woman with all cost i dont know much and care about people, since when I have an experience of my it difficult to sleep and give rest. later in the year 2006 febuary i was sent a letter of medical check up, as my personal doctor testify that i have a lung cancer, which can easily take off my life soon. I found it uneasy to survive myself, because a lot of my investment cannot be run and manage by me again.I quickly call up a pastor/prophet to give me positive thinking on this solution, as my adviser. He minister to me to share my properties ,wealth, to motherless baby/orphanage homes/people that need money for survivor both student that need money/ business woman and man for their investment and for future rising.

So therfore i am writing this letter to people who are really need help from me both student in college, to contact me urgently. so that i can make available preparation on that.especially women of the day, who are divorcedby their husband, why they cannot survive the mist of feeding theirself.

please contact me and stop weeping. probably let me now what you really need the money for, and if you can still help me to distribute money to nearest orhanages homes near your town.now am so much with God, am now born again.May the lord bless you, as you reach me,please to remind you,dont belongs to scammers or any act of fraudlent on internet. I will give more information to you as i await your response immediately to this email address.

I have removed her name and email address for fear that you would be persuaded by this finely written and moving request to accept one billion dollars. I don't know about you, but when I hear about a very greedy woman who tragically lost her family that she didn't care about and then was told she was dying and didn't have much time FOUR YEARS ago and now wants to give me her fortune because I may be a (1) a motherless baby, (2) orphanage home, (3) people that need money for survivor, (4) both student that need money, and (5) business woman for my future rising, I must take advantage of such offer. It also doesn't hurt that I am a (1) woman of the day, (2) divorced by my husband, (3) that cannot survive in the mist of feeding myself. It is almost like she knows me!

So, tell me...how exactly can one be a motherless baby? Even if your mother isn't around, she still exists, unless she was killed in a car accident in 2003 and then that is just tragic. However, I doubt a baby can type. If it can, it don't need your damn money lady. It is also awfully nice of her to offer money to the producers of Survivor (although they don't need it), the two students that need money and the business woman who apparently is dead, but will rise again? Maybe that is what she meant with the subject of "in-christ."

Well, that is all. I cannot go on with this post any longer as I am waiting for The Mist (great movie) so I can survive and feed myself. Maybe then I can stop weeping.

I am awfully hungry right now.

*Spell check had a field day with that letter. I left it as I received it. For autenticity reasons, of course. The humor was just a bonus.

Crime Watch Wednesday: The One Where I Am the Victim. Or the Perp?

Our Halloween night held more excitement than just passing out candy. While we were waiting for B's sister, brother-in-law and our nephew to come over for dinner and trick-or-treating, I noticed a police car pull around the corner, drive slowly up to the neighbor's house across the street and stop. Being ever mindful of B's constant need to know everything happening in the 'hood, I shouted out:

Me: The cops are at the old lady across the street's house!

B: What are they doing there?

Me: I don't know.

So I sat down on our couch in front of our big picture window and watched, trying to determine what was going on while petting Lil' B and giving the original B a blow-by-blow:

Me: She came to the door.

Me: She is letting him in.

Me: Only one cop.

Me: He is still in there.

Me: This is boring.

B joined me at the window and then we saw the neighbors next door to the old lady head over. B dropped to the floor like he was dodging bombs in Band of Brothers while exclaiming "Now they can only see YOU - the nosy one." Um, okay. Who wouldn't be nosy when there are cops at their neighbor's house? Also, B would be the first one to lecture me on why I did not find out what was going on when there were POLICE ON OUR STREET. This may have happened once or twice before.

The neighbors are only there for a few minutes before they walk back to their house. I conclude nothing is happening and this is really boring when my phone rings. Figuring it is my SIL, I head over there, pick it up to see "private number." The following conversation happens:

Me: Hello?

Voice: Is this Dani?

Me: Yes....

Voice: This is, um, Officer Somebody from, um, your town's, um, public safety department.

Voice: We, um, found a package belonging to you.

Voice: Um, if you tell me your address I will bring it over.

At this point in time I am thinking that it is my friend E playing a joke on me. He does that. Really, the guy sounded unsure of what he was saying and what he was saying was making absolutely no sense to me.

Me: If you have a package for me, wouldn't it say my address on it?*

Voice: Well, the thing is it is difficult to read your address.

Me: Where did you find this package?

Voice: One of our residents found it.

Ding! I swear a light bulb went off in my head.

Me: Are you at the resident's house right now? [said in a long drawn out horror movie kind of way]

Voice: Maybe?

Me: I AM RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET FROM YOU. I CAN SEE YOU RIGHT NOW.

Voice: Oh.

Me: I am coming over.

And so it came to be that my neighbor across the street had one of my packages delivered to her because the number for the address was one number off. Then she called the public safety department because she did not recognize my name and didn't know what the package contained.

And so I walked across the street, to be introduced to my neighbor whom I had never met before, gave the officer my complete name and birth date for HIS REPORT** and then carried my big box back home.

And so I heard the police officer tell another inquiring neighbor "Oh, nothing. Just a misdelivered box."

And how did the officer know where to find me to inquire about said box? MY PHONE NUMBER WAS WRITTEN RIGHT ON IT. Why my neighbor could not have just called me, I will never know. Also? Ten bucks says she forgets who I am by the time this happens again. This will surely happen again.

Victim or perp? You decide.

*You cannot dodge an attorney. We have a knack for stating and asking the obvious.

**Can you believe this did NOT show up in the town's crime watch chronicles? Now, techinically this wasn't a crime, but it is a little disheartening to read a story in the crime watch about a racoon stuck in the basement window that was freed with a dog catcher hook and released to the backyard shrubs and not this story. Come on! It could have a catchy title and everything:

Suspicious Package Forges New Friendship

A local resident found a unique way to meet her new neighbor. When a suspicious box arrived on her doorstep containing someone else's name but her address, the concerned woman called public safety. The responding officer, after confirming the box was harmless, called the phone number on the delivery sticker only to find that the phone was answered by someone right across the street! The neighbors were introduced and the box was returned to its rightful owner.

Damaged, Dodged, Deposed, Discussed a/k/a Things I Did Last Week

Last week flew by and I barely posted. This caused me to stop and think about what I did all week:

1. Totally wiped out my computer at work with some spyware.
2. Became the office joke for wiping out said computer ("maybe you shouldn't surf for PORN")
3. Tried to explain I was really just using an online translator ("yeah for the PORN")*
4. Tried to figure out how to work for the next three days without a computer (how does one answer emails, bill time, generate documents, and review what's been done previously on a file without a computer? It was like living in the dark ages - pen, paper and my brain only. I barely survived!)
5. Tried to avoid the sickness plague that took over our office. Seriously, they were dropping like flies. One day we had four people leave early while another 7 were already out. By Friday we were down to just a few. I did not stick around.
6. Spent four and a half hours in deps on Tuesday. No break. No lunch. VERY crabby!
7. Spent four hours in court on Friday. No break. No lunch. VERY VERY crabby!!
8. Took a deposition of a surgeon and watched my opponent attempt to rip him to shreds, only to ask him after the dep if he would treat him for his carpal tunnel.
9. Discussed Tiger Woods. A lot.
10. Came home to numerous boxes and packages on our porch. I love online Christmas shopping.
11. Thought about plans for exciting new things for the blog next year.**
12. Cleaned, straightened, grocery shopped, meal planned, and strategized for our housewarming/holiday party.***
13. Watched B put finishing touches on different parts of the house for said party.
14. Finally, got to sleep in on Saturday.

I expect this week to be less hectic with more posting. Let's see if it shakes out that way.

*Obviously, the most important thing in watching porn is being able to understand what is being said. Actions be damned - the dialogue is all that matters!

**Are you intrigued? Excited? Curious? Are you even paying attention???

***Party post to come soon although I ended up not taking a lot of pictures. Boo on me!

Is That a Long Tube of Cotton Sticking Out of Your Ear?

The other day B picked up a small box I had received in the mail, held it to his ear, shook it and said "What do we have here?" in a weird British accent. I said "Tampons." He put them down and said "Whelp, I wont be needing those."

I hope not.

But if he does? I have PLENTY. You know my little obsession with buying bargains/deals? Well, when I wasn't looking, I apparently bought an entire store of tampons. I seriously keep finding them everywhere. I could supply a whole village. Well, if they only all just used one which would be weird. You get my point.

Instead of supplying a village, I decided to come up with some creative uses for my abundance of product. In no particular order:

Wine stoppers (who wants to come party with us now?)

Drain clogs

Upside down hanging ghosts (perfect for Halloween!)

Tie to a stick for a cat toy

Use as a newfangled way to "drink" vodka

Use as earplugs when the cats won't stop hissing, yelling and crying (like now)

Use as a newfangled way to get the cats to drink vodka so they will be quiet

The options truly are endless.

This picture was taken by my Mom's house. How fun are those fall decorations?

*This insane post is brought to you by too many hours at the office and not enough hours in the bed. At this time I would like to thank my sponsor, i.e. the law firm. I couldn't have done this without you. Cheers!

This Means War! a/k/a Battle of the Mags & Rags

Speaking of wars, Marie Claire and I are at war. She sends me multiple invoices in different variations of names and prices. I then cancel them all with large and angry strokes of then pen and then order the magazine from an online retailer for a very cheap price.

This is war! I wonder who will win?

In other news, I really need to start reading the magazines I have. It has become a problem. Take a look:

Yep. And I even cleaned some of them out last month. They just keep coming. And I keep not reading them. Then I find deals on other magazines I want to read. And those come. And I don't read them. Then my Mom gives me some. Sometimes I read them.

Hell, how do I even know how to work my computer? Do I even know how to work my computer? Who knows. I haven't read the magazine since 2008.

I am even having trouble paring them down. At first I said nothing before the first of the year. Yes I have magazines from November of 2008 but I think (a) I like the topic/actor/actress/person it mentions and want to read about it/him/her, or (b) this is a good magazine, I just need to read it.

You can see where that has gotten me.

In my defense, it is easier to catch up in the fall when there are a lot of TV shows on with commercials. I am one to let the commercials play and catch up on my reading in the process. Now, in the summer, the only show I am watching is True Blood and there are no commercials! Damn them! And thank them! True Blood with commercials would be torture. But maybe I would get some reading done.

What do you think? Toss or know one day I will eventually read?

Or wait until the magazines start to spill out from that table and force me to do something about them?

I am sure you know where my answer lies.

Just a Little Slice of Life...

{One evening late at night in the Riddler household a woman enters the room to find her husband engrossed in his laptop}

Me: What I am about to say to you is VERY important.

B: Okay.

Me: Are you listening?

B: Yes.

Me: I need you to watch Quantum of Solace so I can mail it back to Netflix as those bastards are sending you two new movies and me none.

B: I already mailed it back.

Me: When?

B: Today. YOU mailed it back! I gave it to you! You took it to the office!

Me: Huh.

Me: Thanks.

{Woman exits room walking tall and strong as if she just made a point}

Please Mister Postman!

I thought I was ahead of the game. I put in a change of address form before we moved and made it effective the Monday before we moved to give it time to kick in. Because I still get mail in my maiden name, I did it three different ways - B's name, my name and my old name.  Come Monday, no mail was at old house. Good.   We started receiving forwarded magazines at the new house on Tuesday. Good.   Then we received mail at the old house Tuesday through Friday in each of the three names. Bad. And there was no mail at the new house. Bad again.

I called my city post office who told me to call the Director of Delivery at the main post office. I did that and just got voicemail.  I decided to go to the post office to rectify the situation:

Me: There is a problem with my change of address. It was effective Monday and as you can see [handing her mail] magazines are going to the new address but some mail is going to the old address still.

PO Lady: It takes up to 7 days for the change of address to take place.

Me: I understand that it may take 7 days to RECEIVE mail at the new address, but we should not still be receiving mail at the OLD address after Monday.

PO Lady: That is true. You shouldn't.  Let me go talk to your carrier.

{10 minutes later}

PO Lady: I spoke with your carrier and she has all three change of address cards [never mind my carrier is a male] so you are all set.

Me: No, I am not all set because my mail is still going to my OLD address.

PO Lady: It will go to your new address.

Me: BUT IT IS NOT- DO YOU SEE??

PO Lady: It will.

Me: So, until this "will" time, my mail is just going to continue to INEXPLICABLY go to my OLD address and it cannot be FIXED???

PO Lady: It happened to me too.

Me: LIAR! [no I did not say that but she is obviously lying to get me to leave]

Me: I will just call the Director of Delivery first thing Monday morning.

and then I stalked out of there. I got into my vehicle and immediately called the Director of Delivery. Bad move.  A woman answers, proceeds to ask me a bunch of questions and then interrupts me when I try to answer them:

Woman: Can I help you?

Me: Yes, I put in a change of address for the three names at my house - my husband, me and my maiden name, effective Monday and some mail is going to the new address and some is still going to the old address five days later.

Woman: What is your name?

Me: Riddler, R-I

Woman: [interrupting] What is your maiden name?

Me: Gypsy

Woman: Can you spell that?

Me: G-Y-P-S-Y

Woman: And that is a family change, right?

Me: NO, it is an individual change.

Woman: You should have put in a family change.

Me: THERE IS NO FAMILY UNDER THAT NAME, IT IS MY MAIDEN NAME.

Woman: What is your other name?

Me: Riddler.

Woman: Can you spell that.

Me. Sigh. R-I-D-D-L-E-R

Woman: What is your address?

Me: 25...

Woman: [interrupting] What is your zip code?

Me: [zip code]

Woman: Okay, how do you spell your last name?

Me: SIGH. R-I-D-D-L-E-R

Woman: I will go talk to your carrier. What is your phone number.

Me: [phone number]

Woman: Okay, if there is a problem I will call you.

Click.

IF THERE IS A PROBLEM? IF????? There is already a problem. My mail is going to multiple addresses across the state with no fix in sight and some assurances from a mad woman that it just WILL eventually be fixed.

I am never getting my mail again.