Friday, December 31, 2010

Quick Poll as This Year Comes to an End to Determine Whether You Know B and I

While everyone else in the blogosphere is focusing on the new year, resolutions, and reliving the past, I like to focus on what is really important - what I plan on doing tonight. 

Not much.

How fun was that? It will undoubtedly involve watching movies, flipping TV channels and surfing the net. B has to work, although he will be home before midnight.

In honor of my huge plans, I bring you a post I wrote in June. No kidding.  Be prepared for more of that in 2011.  New Year/Old Posts. That's my new slogan.


The following movies were just shipped to our house by Netflix:

1. Daybreakers
2. Capturing the Killer Croc
3. Descent: Part 2
4. 2012

So, my faithful blog readers, which 2 movies belong to B and which two belong to me? I think this might be an easy one, but you never know.

Bonus points to the person who can guess who in this house is receiving the following movie:

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

What say you, readers?

Whether you are staying in and watching movies, going out and partying, watching the ball drop, or sleeping through the New Year, stay safe and have a great time.

From our family to yours,

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Still Just Chillin' In These Parts

Hope your holidays are as restful and peaceful as ours!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Twas The Fourth Day After Christmas and Still I Did Not Move

You would think that with 10 days off of work, I would have so much more time to blog, to be more productive.  Nope.  This is pretty much me:

Can you even spot me in that pile of blankets and dog? All I want to do is sleep, read other people's blogs and play Diner Dash on the new iPad. Yes, I have a new iPad. By "I", I mean "we". By "we" I mean B. He gives it to me occasionally to use. Never mind that the cats and dogs bought it for me and the tag even said "Mom."  Never mind that I screamed like a little girl when I opened it and smiled widely to the cheering crowd of my mother-in-law and sister-in-law.  We know who this really belongs to, I am just the occasional borrower.

Anyway, I thought maybe I could share highlights from the holidays and some pictures too.  

Before Christmas, we went on our annual holiday trip to eat dinner, walk fast and see Santa.  That trip ended when the glass blowers proudly proclaimed they were going to stick something in the glory hole. That proved too much for me and the family who all laughed like the 12 year olds B accused us of being right before he joined in.  The 7 year old standing nearby was not amused. Give him five or six years.

On Christmas Eve we all gathered at my sister-in-law's house for a family dinner.  We went back there the next morning.  We should have stayed the night except we had to bring Jersey who had so much fun, her tongue grew big:

My nephew got an Escalade from Santa and proceeded to drive off into the neighborhood in it. B took these awesome paparazzi shots from the back door.  They are seriously about a block or so away.  These photos were taken with the new camera that the dog and cats got B.  I wonder where these animals get their funds?

Then we were off to my family's house for Christmas dinner. We made my brother pose with Jersey in his arms again. I don't know why her head is so big:

For a comparison, this is them last year:

Then B decided to take pictures of our tree with the new camera:

And the house:

And the neighborhood:

And that is the end of this Christmas story. Except for the presents. There were some cool ones, including three new bobbles, but I want to do an updated bobble post one day so I will leave it until then.

How was your holidays?  Are you on vacation? If so, how the hell do you motivate yourself?

Signing off from the couch, 

Thursday, December 16, 2010

If There Is Gambling, Sleeping and Buffeting at the End of the Road, I Will Only Slightly Whine Along the Journey

It has been a long couple of weeks since I last posted.  I actually find it hard to believe that the last thing I talked about was Thanksgiving and now it is almost Christmas. Time flies when you are busy and stressed.  So what have I been up to?

First, I had a trial. Not as long as my last one, only three days. However, those were a long three days full of lots of motions and arguing and lots of late nights preparing. Even the jury took their time, not rendering a verdict until 6:00 p.m.  Too bad their verdict was not in my favor.  Favorite part of the trial? When my opposing counsel showed up the second day and proudly exclaimed "See, I brought MY binder too.  It is empty."  (I always use a binder to keep all of my stuff organized. My opponents usually don't.)

But right before that three day trial? B and I had our second annual holiday party. Because that is exactly what you are supposed to do less than 48 hours before trial, host a party for 40 something people. You may not remember the first party because I barely talked about it. I do have some pictures from last year's event though:

Pre-party house:

Outside including tealight walkway bags:

My bro and B discussing the finer aspects of...a fish tank:

Almost party time and with a warm fire roaring:

You know where my photos from this holiday party are? Nowhere. They don't exist.  Just imagine the above photos with a different tree, lights instead of tealight bags on the walk, no fish tank and about 40 people milling about at any given time.

It was a blast.

My favorite part? Probably when the carbon monoxide detector went off and my brother thought it was the smoke alarm and started fanning it, and no one else seemed to care. I had to take that sucker outside and dismantle it all the way down to ripping out the batteries in order to make it stop blaring. 

That reminds me of the time that B decided to remove the faulty carbon monoxide detector and store it in a safe place. The garage. Wasn't I surprised when I started the car that next morning.  Good times.

Now after that long three day trial, B and I took a mini vacation to Vegas.  The city I like to call my second home. It had been just over a year since we last went and I loved it. I wished we had stayed a day longer, but I will take what I can get.  I slept a lot, ate good food and played video poker slots until I almost broke my back and went blind.

It was a blast.

Now I am back to the land of the cold and already preparing for my next trial in the beginning of January. When did I become a trial queen? The last one was my third in 9 months! How exhausting. This one will be longer because it is two trials in one. Or really back to back, but you get the point.  

I will try not to wait until after then to update though.  I have many pictures and stories to share with you.  

Happy Vegas Christmas!

Friday, November 26, 2010

It Wouldn't Be Thanksgiving Unless There Was a Roast

No, we didn't eat roast on Thanksgiving, but we sure had one.  As we finished eating, B started telling story after story. About ME.  Seriously.  One after the other. Non. Stop.

It started with the story about how I made mustard chicken once. That was followed by the time I cut my finger on a can of corn.  That segwayed to the time he did not believe I needed to go to the hospital, but oh yeah, my appendix needed to come out.  And my gallbladder.  Then he somehow started talking about the time I locked myself out of the house.  

It was starting to sound like a bad blog regurgitation/stand up comedy routine.  Except these people didn't know that I had a blog, so it sounded like a "let's make fun of Dani on this holiday upon which we give thanks."  


Just kidding.  In fact, sometimes I think B practically writes this blog, he just doesn't know it. In fact, he sparked the whole conversation my family had at the now annual Thanksgiving day breakfast. What would that be?

The zombie apocalypse of course.

B told me about his friend who is fully prepared for said apocalypse and even shared his extensive plan WITH HIS CHILDREN.

I decided this must be discussed at breakfast despite the fact that my brother and father do not share my love for zombies.  Can I tell you that zombies are now the great conversation equalizer? It is the truth. Bring it up and people will join in.  Just the other day I said to my coworkers "The zombie apocalypse is coming and I fear I am not prepared."  People immediately offered ideas and banded together against this purely fictionalized idea.  Zombies. Bringing people together while scaring the living shit out of them.

So what did my family accomplish during Thanksgiving breakfast?  Check this out:
  • B would live on an island so the zombies wouldn't get to him.
  • His friend thinks zombies could just walk under the water and get him.
  • My dad says no one, even dead people, can walk under water without their heads being crushed from the pressure.
  • My brother says crushing heads is an effective way to kill a zombie.
  • I ponder why there are no zombie animals.
  • B says because the zombies cannot catch them.
  • My brother says it is due to noncommunicable transfer - kind of like dogs and cats not being able to have sex.
  • My brother is smart.
  • The zombies will want his brain first.
  • Do zombies pick and choose brains or is it all just meat?
  • Why do zombies eat brains anyway?
  • Finally, my mom wants to know when we are going to start talking about vampires.

You should hear what we discuss on Christmas.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Would It Be Better If I Were Wearing a Coach Suit?

It has been rather stressful at the office these days.  I had a really ugly complicated case that resulted in my waking up one day with a huge knot in my back that I not so lovingly named after my opposing counsel.  Luckily that got resolved and the knot went away. I would also like to thank Excedrin Back and Body for coming to my aid.

It's just that things are super busy, which is good and bad. Good because more work equals job security and more fun. Bad because more work equals more work, less time and more scheduling conflicts.

I always know when the stress is getting to me because I will dream about the office, or usually court.  Last night I dreamt I was in federal court to help with a trial that I knew nothing about when the judge told me that I wasn't even wearing a suit. I looked down to find myself wearing a skirt and a jacket, certainly not a suit, but decided that I would defend myself by saying "Oh I see, if it is not a Coach suit, it doesn't count?" I don't even know what that means. Can you imagine a suit with the Coach insignia all over it? I shudder.

So it made me think of this post I drafted a while back about events I saw one motion day in court:

What Not To Say To the Judge If You Want to Win:

"All judges are liars"

"I cannot get a fair hearing here"

"I am suing three judges and the entire court system"

What You Don't Want to Hear the Judge Say If You Want to Win:

"The problem here is your client and her inconsistent testimony."

"What kind of attorney are you? The kind that just stands before me and spews garbage from his mouth?"

"What I want to know is who forged this Order?"

"Your opinion has no basis in fact."

"I have written many articles on this subject. In fact, there are a few cases you seemed to have left out of your brief."

Luckily these things were not said to me.  In fact, my opposing counsel felt the wrath that day when he tried to bluff me into a settlement only to be told by the judge that he and his client better agree to my terms or he was going to make him "try this" while shaking the file at him like it was the stupidest thing ever.  

That's my kind of day, even if they are few and far between.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

What Happens If You Unfriend Your Only Friend? Are You Friendless or Are You Free?

I heard somewhere that today is National Unfriend Day or something. Facebook users are supposed to pare down their friend list and get rid of the unnecessary bulk.  This topic is extremely timely as I have found that I have recently been defriended by a few people.

Now, I do not particularly care if someone defriends me. Except maybe my mom, although she is not on Facebook.  Okay, maybe my brother, my husband, my best friend, that would be sad.  Random people that I reconnected with, but haven't really talked to much? I take no offense.  Time is short. Life is hard. Facebook is full of posts.  Although in my defense, I don't post a lot. Wait. Maybe I am boring people?

In any event, I typically only notice I have been defriended when it is someone that posts a lot and then all of a sudden they stop.  No, they didn't stop. They are still posting endlessly on Facebook, I just don't get to see it.  On to the next 100 posts from friends and family.

But you know what is strange? When you get defriended by someone who only has one friend on Facebook - YOU.  Seriously this just happened to me. Actually, I don't know when it happened because you are not exactly notified when your friendship has been deactivated.  I will pretend it just happened.

So, I am going through my old facebook messages and I find one from this friend that I invited to Facebook. That's right, he wasn't even on Facebook until I came calling. Better yet, I was his only friend. That was a bit strange.  You know what else is strange?  He would post things to his wall, news articles and tidbits and I realized, as his only friend, he was posting directly to me!  Was I supposed to comment on every thing he posted? Why did he think I wanted to read articles from the Wall Street Journal? Was he trying to tell me something?  I guess now I will never know.

You know what is stranger? He is still on Facebook. Without any friends.  Yes, I have been defriended by someone who would rather have no friends than be my friend.  It is like he is the king of Facebook, but he doesn't have any subjects.  

Facebook = bringing people together, tearing them apart, and killing all self esteem.

Now who can *I* defriend??

Monday, November 08, 2010

I See Your Quarter and Raise You a What the Hell Just Happened?

Getting through the security lines at the courthouse is always an adventure. There is one particular court that is always changing the rules - keys out, keys in, no cell phones, who cares about cell phones, feel free to bring your bayonet in by all means.  There is also no telling as to what will set the metal detector off except that it undoubtedly will not be metal.

So it was no surprise that we were waiting there, me and 20 other people, stuck behind a lady that basically had to undress to get through.  I could sense some annoyance coming from behind me, but I decided to focus on my own annoyance instead. First mistake.

As soon as the woman in front of me was cleared and before I could even think to take a step toward the detectors, a woman behind me practically barges her way through me to get into line.  My usual decorum evaporated:

Lady: "What?"

As I stand there with my arms open wide and about to shout "what do you think", she points to the ground behind me and says "There's a quarter."  

Here's where I would tell you that I retorted with a "Nice try old woman. Don't try to distract me with shiny things.  I don't need money that bad" while pushing her out of the way and running through the metal detectors screaming "I am coming your honor."  Sadly, that did not happen.

What happened? I was totally caught off guard and turned to find that there WAS a quarter there on the ground. I then wondered why there was a quarter there and how she knew there was a quarter there and if she was a member of MENSA.  Meanwhile, she was through the detector and off like an apparition.

That is, until I caught up with her on the elevator and she proceeded to answer her cellphone like this:


Luckily, I got off one floor after the phone call came in and before I totally lost my hearing.  Later when I relived this event with those that I work with, I could only think of one thing:

I really wanted to pick up that quarter.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Halloween Part Deux - Peanut Butter, Caution Tape and Cold Asses. Well Maybe Just One.

As you may be aware, the other night was Halloween. If you have been reading for a while, then you also know that we get a lot of children in these parts. And I mean a lot! Remember last year?  This year was no different.  The first car load was dropped off on a corner at 4:30!  After about 45 minutes they started making their way down the street even though it was still light.  By 5:30 things were in full swing and we were passing out candy left and right.

B grew big pumpkins again this year, although not as big as last year. He also carved three of them. I carved none.  

This is the one with all of the holes drilled in that looks so cool at night lit up:

This is B's pumpkin face:

Our nephew. You can find more of his Halloween pictures here:

He looked like he had many fingers, but he only had 10:

You are probably wondering what this is all about. Well, my sister-in-law took part in an advance sneak peek at some new Snickers candy.  As part of the campaign, she got materials and treats to give out on Halloween and she and my nephew came to our house since we get a lot of traffic.  We put up the Snickers sign, the tape, and the spiderwebs:

My nephew only cared about the pumpkins:

We were the only house on the block with the treats. Even adults were asking for them. I totally made up a random rule that if a child read the sign out loud they got a treat.* You cannot believe how many read it out loud!

Darkness finally fell:

And we finally ran out of candy.**  Not before seeing a Jason Voorheis adult sized mask on a five year old thereby making him the first horror movie dwarf, a equally small but proportionate Freddy Kreuger and the 10 year old in some kind of mask with, what I hope was a plastic bayonet, strolling down the street at a determined pace without a bag of candy. I hope he wasn't killing anyone.

And if you were wondering, the new Snickers has a secret ingredient:

Yes, it is peanut butter. I thought it tasted like a regular Snickers but when I ate them back to back I could tell the difference. Why yes I had to eat more than a few. Research people!

Next year I am going to convince B that we should do this to our house:

Piece of cake.  Or candy if you will.

*I had other random rules such as "OH MY GOD THAT KID IS SO CUTE - give him lots of candy."

**Or maybe we didn't, but I feared we would. And my butt was cold. Really cold.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

October Roared in Like a Lion and Then Bit Me in the Ass. And It is Cold.

October is almost over with and fall is in the air. Well, actually I would like to call it WINTER.  It is freezing here.  For God's sake, B turned on the furnace! Only by one degree, but whatever. Seriously, the man turned the furnace on by one degree.  One morning as he was leaving for work and puzzling about why half my clothes were off and he was freezing (I get hot when I sleep), he announced "I EVEN turned on the furnace." I was shocked. I was even more shocked when I came home and it didn't seem to be any warmer in the house. So I looked at the thermostat: 62 degrees.  Um, not exactly a heatwave.  So I query:

Me: I thought you turned the furnace on.
B: I did!
Me: But it is cold in here.
B: It is on!
Me: But it says it is only 62 degrees in here.
B: Yes, but it WAS 61.
Me: Um, what?
B: It was 61 in here but it was chilly so I turned it up to 62.
Me: Let me get this straight. You turned on the furnace to heat this place up by one degree.
B: Well, it took the chill off.
Me: You are a rebel.

So now it is slightly warmer, but still dang cold for October around here.  Maybe by November we can turn it up to 65. So wild!

In completely different news, Jersey went for her monthly bath. She came home with a very cute bandanna. The bandanna never lasts long because B takes it off. Not Jersey. B.   Something about it being too girly.  Um, bandannas are SO not girly. And this one was seasonal:

How dang cool does she look? COOL not cute.  She can't be girly.  I would reckon to say she looks like a stud:

You know, if she was a boy and all.  Also, that bandanna makes her look fat.  Look at that neck roll. It is the Sharpei in her, I swear.

What else did October bring other than werewolves and getting locked out of houses? Evil Dead the Musical. Twice.  Once just isn't enough. That is not their slogan, but mine. Did you even knew such a thing exists?  It does.  Did you know that you must go see it if given the opportunity? You must.  It will change your life.  You will break out into spontaneous songs singing things like "Do the Necrnomican" and singing "Candarian Demon" while making demon hands and looking at your dog who thinks you have gone nuts.  You will sit in the splatter zone and come home with "blood" in your hair and all over your clothes. 

So I just had to get up to let Jersey out and did the demon hands and she jumped and bit my arm. I may be bleeding for real.

I love Halloween.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Crime Watch Wednesday - Pump Up the Jams, Turn Off the Cats

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday brings us the tale of someone who was fed up with being awoken at 5:30 a.m. every day, and we are not talking about B.

A woman contacted police at 5:30 a.m. to report loud music that she believed was coming from the newspaper delivery person's vehicle. Sure enough, the police responded in 15 seconds and found that it was indeed the newspaper guy's car. The suspect was very sorry.

Maybe the lady could have just asked the newspaper delivery person to turn down his radio? She was already up.  You know, lady, the police have better things to do than ask a guy who is rightfully regretful to turn down the tunes.

For example, perhaps the cops could take care of those crazy street cats that are always tearing it up around midnight while I am just falling asleep. You know the ones I thought were going to get Brad? I am pretty sure if I approached them, they would just claw my eyes out.

Or what about the two dogs behind us that bark for hours on end. That is fun at 7 am. On a Sunday.  THAT IS MY DAY OFF PEOPLE.

Or what about the three cats I have in my house that occasionally act like street cats downstairs while I am trying to sleep and although I have visions of things shattering all around the house, I am too tired to get up and yell down "KNOCK IT OFF!" which never works anyway.

Or the bad karaoke singers who decided to sing show tunes just as we were going to bed at 11:30 p.m. one night?  We had to shut our window on a nice balmy summer night.

What is my point? I will tell you.  The newspaper delivery man is on your block for maybe five minutes tops.  Street cats? They fight ALL NIGHT LONG. It's their gig. Grumpy dogs? HOURS.  Inside cats that think they are streetcats?  A good half hour or more.  Crazy karaoke singers? I don't know, I shut the window.

In the time it took you to make that call, you could have just thrown a pillow over your head and gone back to sleep.  Or I don't know gone to work, like the delivery guy who is trying to earn a living to support his family or his drug habit. Doesn't matter.

Your far more annoyed and less sleep fulfilled neighbor,

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Cell Phones Are Evil, But People Are Good and I Am Surprised

Cell phones are evil.  I came to this conclusion yesterday when I lost mine.  You may be wondering how that is the cell phone's fault. It is not. That is not what makes it evil.  The evil lies in the fact that the mere possibility that I lost my Blackberry FROZE ME.  I repeat - I COULD NOT FUNCTION.  Let me walk you through it.

My mom and I were shopping. We were in a big grocery store and I had the phone in my pocket and then later put it in my purse.  My mom called me to tell me where she was in the store and then we left for the next big grocery store. It was at least an hour later when I went to call my mom to see where she was that I realized I didn't have a phone.  Eventually I found her and we went to the car.  No phone there.

My mom tried to call it. We couldn't hear it.  I decided we would have to go back to the first store to see if by some miracle it was there.  And then I had these thoughts:
  1. I need to call B to tell him what happened. SHIT I DON'T HAVE A PHONE.
  2. I don't even know my own brother's phone number.*
  3. What if my client needs me?**
  4. What is someone is reading and responding to my personal emails?
  5. What if I find the phone and someone drove over it in the parking lot?
  6. Number 5 might be the best scenario.
  7. Will we really ever find this phone?
  8. Why is the month of October being so DAMN MEAN to me?
While I was having these and many other thoughts and as we were driving to the store, my mom's phone rang and she looks at me excitedly and says "It's YOU!"  Turns out I left the phone in the cart (the cart I walked myself to the cart corral) and some guy found it, kept it and apparently waited for us to call.

We drove back and I called him to get my phone.  My mom told me to give him $5 to play the lottery.  That did not quite go so well:

Me: Hi! Thanks so much for holding on to my phone.

Guy: No problem.
Me: Here (holding out money) go play the lotto and win.
Guy: Nah! It's no big deal.
Me: No, really - go play the lotto and win.
Guy: No, really.
Guy: uh...have fun? 

And then he ran away.

But I had my phone, the evil phone that apparently runs my life. Vicky and Jersey take note.  And my faith in humanity has been restored.  Even if he wouldn't take my money.

This was day 16 of October.  I have not even mentioned what happened on day 15 or day 13.

It is going to be a long month.

*My husband doesn't even know MY number. Have I mentioned that?
**Why can't I stop thinking about the office even for a minute and during a crisis? Ugh.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

If It Is Going to Be a Bad Day When You See a Werewolf, What Happens When You Are Standing Barefoot in the Cold?

Remember about a week or two ago when I said I had a bad day that started with a werewolf sighting?  Well, I topped myself without even trying.  Every week it is my job to take out the recycling on garbage day.  If I was not the hugest procrastinator around, I would do this the evening before.  That, however, is not in my nature.  So I do it the morning of pickup.  I had the routine down to a science, or so I thought.

You see, our front door does not self lock. Neither does our back door, but for an entirely different reason.  Often I have told friends, family, and delivery men not to worry about the door shutting or slamming behind me, "it won't lock me out."  You know what this means, right? IT FLIPPING LOCKED ME OUT.

Of course that would be the morning I elected not to wear socks or shoes despite the fact that it was under 50 degrees. I was also in a tshirt with wet hair having just gotten out of the shower.  No keys. No phone. No mad survivor skills.

It was 6:30 a.m.

It was dark. It was cold. I was PISSED. I think I said something like "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!" I looked around our very dark neighborhood. No one was up. And if they were, what where they going to do for me?  So I go to the back where we have a spare key in a lockbox. I don't know the code.


And it is dark and I cannot see. And I have no shoes. Did I mention that?  

I go back up front to see if I can force the door open and see the hip neighbor guy taking his garbage out. I run over there with my lockbox and scream "DO YOU KNOW THE CODE TO THIS?"  Sadly, he did not. But his wife did because she lets Jersey out for us occasionally. He invites me inside and then says "Are you not wearing any shoes?" 


So I got in and ready for work, although I never really got warm again. When I got to work I sent B a text that said:

FYI - Should you go outside with wet hair and no shoes on, you will get locked out in the dark having forgotten the code to the lockbox.

To which he replied:

Don't worry. I know it.

There is a lesson here folks.  Teach your dog how to open doors. Because, as it turns out, the door was not even locked.  The door handle on the outside just wasn't working properly. Had Jersey pushed down on the inside door handle, I could have gotten in. Instead she ran from window to window wondering what fun I was having outside.  I was having a blast. An arctic blast.

Tomorrow is garbage pickup day. What are the odds that I:
  1. Wear shoes
  2. Wear a sweatshirt
  3. Lock myself out
  4. Remember the code
  5. Learn any lesson from all of this
I better start training Jersey right now.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Guess who turned 1 on 10/10/10? Or is it 7? Who Knows, But There Was Cake.

When B informed me the other day that he figured out when Jersey's birthday was* and that it was coming up the next weekend, I sprang into action.  By that I mean I stumbled upon a rawhide birthday cake and decided we would do birthday pictures and have a little party.  B decided I was nuts and refused to partake. Party pooper!

So first I bought the cake:

Then I told Jersey she had to pose pretty for her first birthday picture:

For comparison, this is her last year:

Then I told Jersey there was CAKE, but she had to pose with it first.  So she did like a good dog**:

Then the cake was all hers:

Yes, I think that is a ghost.  Someone has to watch over these animals.

But that was not all of the birthday festivities. Jersey had a friend over, Molly. They played and fought and ran around a lot.  If these are blurry, it is because they are ACTION SHOTS PEOPLE:

Oh, it's on:

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl! We have loved every minute of your first year.

*Or the vet told him. Whatever.
**She is no longer a puppy, but a DOG! She even has to eat dog food instead of puppy food. My heart is crushed. 

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