Friday, July 25, 2008

Porntastic Fortune

This past weekend my family and I were at a Chinese restaurant on a stop over on bringin my brother home.  We all got fortune cookies. My gripe with fortune cookies is that they are never really fortunes anymore.  More like proverbs or characteristics such as "traveling puts a smile on your face."  Gee, thanks.  I did not know THAT.  It is rare you get a true fortune. Makes me wonder if those evil* lawyers had something to do with it. 

Now, I am not sure that what I discovered in my fortune cookie that day would consitute a fortune, but it is porntastic.**  Here we go:

"A tub and a rub would do you good."

Think about it. Tell me that your first reaction wasn't WHAT?  Maybe because tub sounds an awful lot like tug? OR maybe because who the heck calls a bath and a massage "a tub and a rub"? OR who the heck would recommend to someone "a tub and a rub" to "do them good."  Those wacky Chinese fortunes! Never had a porntastic one before, so now my fortune life is complete.

*yes I am a lawyer; no I am not evil.

**porntastic is a completely made up word by me in which I cleverly combine "porn" and "fantastic".  Get it? Porntastic.   Thank me later for that one.

***not sure what the photo has to do with anything except it is (a) a fortune cookie and (b) references lawyer things.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Hi! My Name is Chester

Meet Chester.  No that is not a small tiger on my sofa, that is my very large cat. Our very large cat.  I cannot even blame B for Chester as it was my idea to get the other cat a friend (you will meet him in a later post).

While Chester may look like a ferocious tiger, he is really just a cuddly teddybear that only wants for you to pet him.  Always.  Forever. Seriously, he follows your hand with his eyes and head. He doesn't care about you. His dream is probably to be able to remove your hand from your body and take it with him to pet him all day long.  Ahhhh the dreams of cats.

A ferocious tiger he may not be, but he deems himself to be a worthy hunter.  He often squishes into his cat perch and lazily lays there while making clucking noises at the birds outside. Sometimes he just whines at them. I imagine he is thinking "if you were just THIS much more closer, I would get up."  And if there is a bug in the house? Chester will be RIGHT there.  The other day I heard a quick buzzing noise and here comes Chester running in really small fast steps that sounded like thwap thwap thwap all crouched down. He stared at that bug for a good 15 minutes, swatting at it occasionally.  However, when I paid attention and discovered it was an UGLY bug and tried to cheer Chester on with  a "get that bug, get it," he instead turned his attention to wanting to be pet and following my hand.  What a killer that one.

Chester has two other favorite past times, well let's make it three (although I do not think he particularly likes the third).  The first is an extreme fascination with machines.  He is not allowed in the laundry room (okay, closet) but if the door is left open he will just sit there and stare at the washing machine or dryer.  Same thing with the dishwasher.  I guess the sounds fascinate him. Not so much with the vacuum.  They are mortal enemies.

His second favorite past time is watching the fish tank like it is a TV.  Every once in a while it catches his eye and he watches the fish.  His favorite is the big brightly colored algae eater. When it comes close to Chester, he will jump up and slap the fish tank like he is trying to get a bug.  We only encourage him by saying "did you get the fish Chester?" to which he replies with a soulful cry.

Lastly, Chester likes to puke. A lot.  Almost every day if not more often. It is gross.  I think he is bulimic.  However, he never loses any weight. Puzzling. Both B and I think we each have to clean up more than the other, but it is probably both equal.  Poor sensitive bellied Chester.  He really is a doll.  If you are taking a nap - he will be right there with you, on you, crushing your chest and placing his paw on your mouth as if to say "'s sleepy time."

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Alive and Kicking

I am back in the game!! As many of you know, I love to enter contests and, sometimes, I actually win them!  Sometimes, I have to turn down a prize but only for good reason.  Well, lately, I have been busy at work with the new regime (promise - I will one day get to that), that I have neglected my contest duties.  As such, prizes are few and far between.  But today was the day!  I won the elusive Oprah tote bag filled with goodies!  Feast your eyes on my win:

The tote (the big orange thing) contained another tote, full size Dove body wash, full size salad dressing, mini size face, hand and other lotions, full size mineral coverup makeup, mascara, perfume sample, food for body samples, Quaker Oats chocolate minty mini cakes, cinnamon almond, and fruit crisps.  Good variety for a swag bag!  

*Special shout out to Mom who also won this fabulous package.  (hi Mom!)

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Smooth Criminal

We have renters in our complex.  The people change yearly (except for the one legged lady but that's a different story), so their names just remain "the renters."  So the renters apparently decided to leave for a long 4th of July weekend.  Without their cat.  Without enough food.  

The renters have an adorable young cat (he is bigger than a kitten to me) that is kind of brown tiger striped with all white paws. Too cute.  We have seen him before and visited with him because they inexplicably let him hang out on the patio and he somehow never ventures away. We have stopped to pet him and say hi and tell the renters how cute he is.

Yesterday I mentioned to B that I felt bad for the kitty. He was all by his lonesome. We went up to the patio door and you could tell he was crying but we couldn't hear him.  That is when I noticed his two food dishes were empty!  I hoped they would come home early today.  No such luck.

So around 5 pm or so B informs me that he is going to go kidnap the cat. I thought he was joking, but he was not. A few weeks ago he noticed one of their screens had been pushed out and told them about it.  They did not fix it.  B expressed disbelief that the same people who could not be bothered to fix their screen would also lock their windows.  He was right - unlocked.  Of course, I had to follow behind him saying the whole time that this was NOT a good idea.  But, the cat came to the window, B scooped him up and brought him into our condo.

The little guy was purring like crazy in B's arms.  He did not like seeing our cats and was a little skittish, but he need not have worried as they fled for the hills, or in this case, under the beds. Despite the fact that our cats are about 5 times the size of this baby, they were petrified. It might have been the kitty pot B gave them right before his caper.

So, despite the fact that I yell at our cats every time they THINK about stepping foot on to our kitchen counters, here was this little baby on our counter and I am feeding it.  He ate a lot.  So much, in fact, that we stopped feeding him so he wouldn't get sick.  All the time I am saying "what if the renters come home?"  And just like that, we were putting him right back where we found him and replacing the screen.  Deed done. No one noticed.

Just in the nick of time. Right after that, B went to pick up some pizza and I hear the renters pull up.  Whew! I think to myself.  Next thing I know, B is back and walking by saying to the renters "we fed your cat."

Real smooth, that one.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

We'll Make Great Pets

Still with the song titles.  It is spurning some creativity on my part to come up with song titles that have a tie-in to the post, so here we go.

Today at work was our 4th of July potluck luncheon.  Toward the end of our luncheon, it was just me and three of my coworkers at a table talking about animals, raccoons to be exact.  This conversation spurs from one coworker's declaration that there is a platypus in her backyard.  After much guffaws and contemplation on platypuses (platypusi?*), she tells us that, in fact, she has REALLY seen a raccoon in her yard.  We all confirm that raccoons are evil animals. That gets me going on a hunkering possum story (punchline - "look at that hunkering possum").  That is when this exchange occurs:

COW 1: Raccoons are very smart animals.

Me: How do you know? Have you debated one lately? 

COW 1:  No, but a bunch of raccoons outsmarted me and my friends one day.  They were trying to eat some food we had in the backyard so my friends and I started chasing one and while we were doing that - the rest of the raccoons took ALL OF THE FOOD.  They used a diversion!!!

Me: Bwwaahahhahahha

Other COWs:  Bwwhhahahahwhaha

COW2:  Were the raccoons pointing and laughing at you?

COW1:  Well they did huddle in a group in the back of the yard making noises at us while eating. I am sure they were mocking us.

Okay, so a group (not just one person) of people got outsmarted by a group of  raccoons who cleverly used an ordinary diversion tactic by sending one of them to be chased while the others did what they needed to get what they wanted. Score one for the raccoons.

COW1 then goes on to say that they even had food in a plastic container with the lid on and locked and they STILL got into that.

Me:  Bwahahahahahhh

So much for our superiority due to opposable thumbs, eh?  In no time, we will be great pets to the raccoons who apparently have watched enough cartoons and horror movies to outwit us all.

*The Blogger spell check says platypuses is correct.  It is also unfamiliar with the word Bwaahahahahah

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Master of Puppets

So you may be able to tell that I have an affinity for using songs for titles to my posts. More specifically, songs from the 80s and usually hair bands.  The trend will continue for today.  As a p.s. to yesterday's post, it turns out that the song lyrics were actually identical to the dream.  Eerie, no?  Here are some of the lyrics:

In my dreams -- its still the same
Your love is strong, it still remains
In my dreams -- you're still by me
Just the way you used to be.

(Dokken - yes, a hair band.  Circa 1985)

Now, as for today's title - there is a tie in.  This story comes courtesy of B.  We are out to dinner one evening regaling each other with work tales.  B doesn't have a blog so I am his usual outlet.  So he starts griping about someone at his side job that made employee of the month.  I was munching on fish and chips, or a burger, nodding and half listening until I hear him say something about a hand puppet?  I immediately stopped what I was doing, held up my finger, reached into my purse and got out pen and paper and then told him to proceed  (Side note: I don't think he liked that too much).

Turns out that the employee of the month is a guy that wears a puppet on his hand ALL of the time.  So, you are wondering, "hey, what fun family activity type place does B work at?"  Um, a hockey rink.   And what fun family activity does this employee perform?  He is an USHER. That's right folks - he tells you where your seat is, apparently while talking through a puppet. That is not the extent of it though, sadly.  He actually communicates with his coworkers through the puppet as well.  

Pretty sad day when you lose out on employee of the month to a guy with a sock on his hand.  

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