Wordless Wednesday: A Future Horror Fan is Born!

Halloween Part Deux - Peanut Butter, Caution Tape and Cold Asses. Well Maybe Just One.

As you may be aware, the other night was Halloween. If you have been reading for a while, then you also know that we get a lot of children in these parts. And I mean a lot! Remember last year?  This year was no different.  The first car load was dropped off on a corner at 4:30!  After about 45 minutes they started making their way down the street even though it was still light.  By 5:30 things were in full swing and we were passing out candy left and right.

B grew big pumpkins again this year, although not as big as last year. He also carved three of them. I carved none.  

This is the one with all of the holes drilled in that looks so cool at night lit up:

This is B's pumpkin face:

Our nephew. You can find more of his Halloween pictures here:

He looked like he had many fingers, but he only had 10:

You are probably wondering what this is all about. Well, my sister-in-law took part in an advance sneak peek at some new Snickers candy.  As part of the campaign, she got materials and treats to give out on Halloween and she and my nephew came to our house since we get a lot of traffic.  We put up the Snickers sign, the tape, and the spiderwebs:

My nephew only cared about the pumpkins:

We were the only house on the block with the treats. Even adults were asking for them. I totally made up a random rule that if a child read the sign out loud they got a treat.* You cannot believe how many read it out loud!

Darkness finally fell:

And we finally ran out of candy.**  Not before seeing a Jason Voorheis adult sized mask on a five year old thereby making him the first horror movie dwarf, a equally small but proportionate Freddy Kreuger and the 10 year old in some kind of mask with, what I hope was a plastic bayonet, strolling down the street at a determined pace without a bag of candy. I hope he wasn't killing anyone.

And if you were wondering, the new Snickers has a secret ingredient:

Yes, it is peanut butter. I thought it tasted like a regular Snickers but when I ate them back to back I could tell the difference. Why yes I had to eat more than a few. Research people!

Next year I am going to convince B that we should do this to our house:

Piece of cake.  Or candy if you will.

*I had other random rules such as "OH MY GOD THAT KID IS SO CUTE - give him lots of candy."

**Or maybe we didn't, but I feared we would. And my butt was cold. Really cold.

Reunited and It Feels and Tastes So Good

B and I weren't the only ones that were happy to have Brad home. Jersey and Brad like to pal around even though it inevitably ends with Brad's head in Jersey's mouth or Jersey chewing on Brad's ear. Until that point, though, it is love.

I submit the following evidence. These pictures were taken after I told Jersey to leave Brad alone and then a few minutes later discovered that she had "trapped" him under my desk:

One of my favorite pics:

And this one:

By now Brad was purring away:

He could feel the love:

And right about here is where it all went downhill:

Until that point, though, it was love. Just like every morning when we wake up and go downstairs, Brad appears in a flash, rubbing against Jersey, wanting to love her, loving their daily reunion.

Speaking of reunions, I had my high school reunion this weekend. I won't even tell you what year. Let's just say it wasn't a single digit. The closer it got, the more I contemplated not going. After all, I knew most of what was going on in everyone's lives via Facebook and the people that I hung out with weren't going to be there. But B said it would be good for me to be social. Please. What does he know? 

What can I say about reunions? Some people grow up and a very large group never change. Some people still feel rejected despite the fact that they are a fully functioning adult, other people just don't care. The best part by far was watching a group of grown ass women shaking it to old school rap like Too Live Crew. As I said to B, "can you imagine if a current sophomore from my school wandered into this room right now?  That girl would say 'what is with all of these old chicks'?"

The other best part? The food. We love food. There was a strolling dinner featuring an Asian fusion station that was fantastic. I think that is all I ate. I also tried the Caprice salad station but it is a little hard to fashion a salad like that on a plate. It just looks like you are eating a piece of cheese on a tomato with random olives. Or so says B.

Can you believe that the planning committee is already talking about the next reunion 5 years from now? Ugh. One girl at the party remarked "it seems like we should be old but I don't feel old" to which I responded "that's what old people say."

I wonder if I will even get an invite.

Sunday Sweets: Jersey Girl in the Beginning

I was backing up some old photos and noticed there were ones of Jersey when we first got her that I don't think I have ever shared with you.  Whenever I see pictures of Jersey as a pup, they tear at my heart. She was SO little!

This was B playing with her in the yard. You can barely see her!

Look at her trying to attack Brad who is almost the same size as her:

Just a bit bigger than Chester as they keep a watchful eye on each other. They still do that today:

Chewing up our shoes. Luckily that doesn't really happen much today.  You can barely see her with my boots there!

Remember how she recently stuffed herself into that pet bed? Look how big it looks here!  This was a day-we-got-her picture. I know this because she is still wearing the holiday bandana that she had on when they brought her over. Shortly after that, she chewed it off.  

Smaller than a gym bag:

But cutest thing ever!!

Crime Watch Wednesday: Where There's Smoke...There's an Air Gun...and a Pipe...and...

This week's crime watch chronicles bring us the cautionary tale of being on your best behavior while driving around doing illegal things:

Two 16 year old boys were stopped for throwing smoke bombs out of a vehicle in full view of police. The officer smelled another kind of smoke in the vehicle and the boys were booked for possession of marijuana, drug paraphernalia, and a Airsoft gun.*

Only the youth. Really. If you are going to drive around smoking pot, carrying a pipe AND possessing marijuana cigarettes** as well as have an air gun in your possession, it is probably best NOT to send smoke signals to the cops to come get you.

Really.

*I don't even know what an Airsoft gun is but it doesn't sound very dangerous, does it?

**Who the hell calls them "marijuana cigarettes"?  JOINTS! They had JOINTS!

***Also who needs a pipe if they are rolling cigarettes? I am SO confused!

Bopping and Screaming - Just a Typical Thursday Here Folks

Remember way back to yesterday when I told you how I would freak out if there was a mouse in my house? I imagine it would look something like Salma Hayek's freak out over a snake as seen here:

Dude. It's a snake. You do not have to stand on that poor girl's head as I am pretty sure it cannot jump up and grab you. Also, nice screaming and practically fainting at the end after the situation has ended.

Actually, I envision that is how it would happen with me too. Huh.

In other news, I had quite a few emails and comments (or maybe just two) indicating that the authors also did not know that Cyndi Lauper's She Bop song was about masturbation.

We shouldn't feel so bad because Cyndi Lauper said she wanted children to think the song was about dancing (I did!) and then figure out the true meaning as they get older (like me!). Mission successful, Cyndi! Good job!

And here are the lyrics to discuss:

Well I see them every night in tight blue jeans
In the pages of a blue boy magazine
I've been thinking of a new sensation
I'm picking up good vibrations

Do I wanna go out with a lion's roar?
Yeah, I wanna go south and get me some more
They say that a stitch in time saves nine
They say I better stop, before I go blind
Ooh she bop, she bop

She bop, he bop, a we bop
I bop, you bop, a they bop
Be bop, be bop, a lu bop
I hope she will understand
She bop, he bop, a we bop
I bop, you bop, a they bop
Be bop, be bop, a lu she bop
Ooh ooh she do, she bop

They say I better get a chaperone
'Cause I can't stop messin' with the danger zone
I won't worry, and I won't fret
Ain't no law against it yet

I bolded the sections to which you should pay careful attention.

You are welcome.

Lazy Days Equal Watching Actual Children Reenact The Hills (Not Just the Usual "Children" That Star on the Show)

Today was a lazy day, so you get a lazy post. If you have ever watched The Hills, you know how utterly terrible the acting can be. Below, watch some kids reenact some scenes. You will be amazed at what better actors they are.

My favorite parts? How the girl playing Audrina is always looking up and how Heidi goes from being plastic to just being an actual Barbie doll at the end.

It Really Isn't Easter Until You Have Insulted the Easter Bunny in a Passive-Aggressive Letter

Good things happen when computers break. It is true, just ask my Mom. Her computer broke about a month ago and it took about a week to fix. She said she would be okay. She was wrong. Toward the end of the week she started cleaning! Cleaning! I told the computer guy to put a rush on her computer. He got it to me the next day.

Good things come when your Mom's computer is broken and she starts cleaning. What good things? Oh maybe letters you wrote as a kid that she dug up from some old trunk in the garage that until that moment in time was mainly used as an indicator that your car was up as far as it could go. The trunk is kind of dented.

Good things come in letters written by children. Especially letters to the Easter Bunny. Do children even write letters to the Easter Bunny? Where do you send it? I need answers! I should have answers because as you can see below I wrote one myself. Wherever it was supposed to be sent, it obviously just went to my Mom. I don't mean to ruin the surprise, but I am pretty sure she was the Easter Bunny. Don't tell the children.

I would like to say I was very young when I wrote this. However, I signed my name in cursive. Also? It is quite deep for a child. Peruse for yourself:

In case you cannot read that clearly, it says:

Dear Easter Bunny,
I, Yesterday watched: the Easter Bunny is coming to town. It was cute, but some of it was scary. Have a Happy Easter. You know what Easter is really when Jesus died on the cross, not really eggs and other stuff like jelly beans and things. I think you shouldn't even come to kids houses because you know it's really to think about Jesus and when he died. But it's still fun having you.






And the second page...

My bedroom is a MESS. I still want you to come. I LOVE YOU.

Danielle

That, my friends, is the very definition of Catholic guilt. When your religious side clashes with your secular side at such a young age, there is nothing to do than to try to rectify it by insulting the Easter Bunny while inviting him into your messy bedroom. Just like the Catholic church. Or dating.

So, with that, I hope that the Easter Bunny visited your house, messy or not, and brought eggs and jelly beans and all that "stuff." Or, if you are religious, I hope you thought a lot about Jesus and his death.

But I hope he didn't visit your house literally. That would have the makings of a bad horror flick.*

*Is there such a thing as religious horror genre for films like a religious porn genre?**

**Wait. Is there a religious porn genre? Don't tell me if there is. I liked it better when I didn't know the answer.

Don't Even Try it Woman, This is MY Territory

On Sunday, B and I decided to hit a few open houses in our neighborhood to see what is for sale, how much they are asking and to satisfy our general need to snoop in other people's homes. After seeing way too much wallpaper and a gorgeous house on our street but out of our price range, we decided to wrap it up with one final house that B had been to before with the "sexy" kitchen (as one realtor described it).

A "sexy" kitchen, apparently, is one that is newly remodeled while still keeping the charm of the old house. And you can cook up a storm in there. I will admit, even I gasped upon seeing it.

After leaving that area, B called down to me from the staircase to "come check out the third floor." As I was turning the staircase to head up, I hear this small voice say to me very angrily:

HEY! WE ARE CHECKING THIS OUT.

I look down to see a small boy about 6 right up in my face, pointing a finger at me. He looked extremely pissed off that anyone would dare check out this house while he and his family are checking it out. Territorial, much? It must be a joy to play at his house "HEY! *I* am playing with THAT toy." Of course, since I am not a 6 year old kid, I found the exchange amusing:

Me: Wait. YOU are checking out this house?

Boy: YES!!

Me: Do YOU want to live in this house?

Boy: YES!!

Me: Well, you can have it then as I already have a house of my own.

Boy: {grumbles}

Me: Is that okay? Are we good?

Boy: Yes.

And then he stalked away toward the kitchen. When I reached the top of the staircase, B declared "that is one defensive child!"

He must like the sexy kitchen.

Um, Your Baby Sounds Like a Furnace and I Am Pretty Sure That Is Not a Good Thing

Today I had to go to the doctor. You know, THAT doctor. The one that wants you to say "Ahhh" with parts other than your mouth. Yeah, I just grossed myself out with that one.

In any event, I had a bunch of time to kill while dressed in a gown with the opening facing front and a piece of paper over my lap. As in 30 minutes worth of time. Did I mention it was freezing in there?

As I was studying the poster that explained the various parts of a vagina*, I realized that I could hear an ultrasound happening next door. This was not surprising as there were about 50 pregnant women in the lobby when I arrived. So I listened to the WOM WOM WOM sound and thought to myself:

You are witnessing a little life growing and a little heart beating. How precious.

Then I thought:

Wow! That heart is beating fast.

Followed by:

That heart sounds like a train. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT BABY. WTF PEOPLE? IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE??

Then I got distracted when I heard that my doctor had a phone call and began to think I might have to frickin' call into work if this first thing in the morning appointment went any longer when I realized that damn ultrasound sound was STILL GOING ON. So I thought:

That is one hell of a long ultrasound.

And:

That can't be right.

And it wasn't. You know why? It was the frickin' heating and cooling in the building making that noise.

THE FURNACE.

Yes, I totally thought the furnace was an ultrasound.

The doctor eventually came in, heard the story and immediately revoked my female gender card.

But first he made me open wide.

*The more you know...

I Am a Slacker, but I Have This Fun Video for You and I Shred Beef

So while you wait for a wonderful new post from me, enjoy the following video. You should know that I could have given you any number of actual cast of the Jersey Shore doing some form of crazy antics, but since it is Valentine's Day and I love each and every one of you, I instead give you something that will hopefully not cause you to vomit.

Here is a guy watching The Jersey Shore with his Grandma who actually lived at the Jersey Shore. You will thank me for this:

EMBED-New Jersey Grandma Disgusted by Jersey Shore - Watch more free videos

You are welcome.

In other news, I love B so much, I cooked him dinner for Valentine's Day* and highlighted on my other blog. Check it out.

Happy Valentine's Day peeps!

*Actually, it was purely coincidental that I chose today to actually muster up some motivation to cook, although I really do love B.

**B also loves me and proved it with a gold card (i.e. Starbucks gift card). Here I latte!

What Does Your Puppy Do All Day? Mine Takes It to the Mat

You may not know this, because I sure didn't, but there is this thing called Puppy Daycare.

Puppy Daycare.

Let that sink in for a minute.

Like regular daycare, you pay a weekly fee which you are charged no matter if your puppy goes once a week or all five days. Unlike regular daycare, you do not have to obtain a second mortgage on your house to pay for it. You do, however, have to give up a week's worth of groceries. Okay, maybe a week's worth if I am shopping because I rarely buy us any meat. How do we survive? No wonder the cooking blog is so sparse.

In any event, B decided that Jersey should go to puppy daycare. He stumbled upon a place, checked it out, and brought home a flyer. I thought it was a bit pricey considering they recommended about 4 months of "daycare." The upside was that you could drop your dog off at 7 am and pick her up as late as 7 pm and someone else took care of her and attempted to potty train her during that time. In fact, that alone might just be worth the fee.

So, I thought we had decided it was too much money. I thought wrong. Come one Tuesday, I come home and inquire as to where Jersey was. B responds "at the daycare." Wait. What. Huh? When did "we" decide this? Memories of how Jersey came into our life suddenly flash in my head and I realize B is once again operating as a royal "we." Huh.

Then Jersey came home. She was happy and tired. Tired. As in not trying to bite my arm, chew my toes or jump in my lap every two minutes. Point made Puppy Daycare. You win this time.

Also? She got a report card. I wish I were kidding. See for yourself:

After I stopped laughing my ass off, I examined it a bit closer. How informative was this little orange piece of paper? (Yes, I know it looks yellow. Stupid scanner.) We know that Jersey had three playmates. Hopefully she didn't try to eat them like she does Brad. We know that she was happy and playful. No surprise there.

Wait. Talkative?

Let's not encourage that Puppy Daycare. Chester used to be quiet until Mooch taught him how to bother us and now he won't shut up.

Shy? Ha! They must have been talking about Teddy. Jersey is anything but shy.

Finally, we learned what our puppy likes for hobbies - going outside and wrestling. You don't say? How unusual for a puppy.

As you can see, this was money well spent. We basically paid $50 for an orange piece of paper filled with information we already knew and for someone to watch, entertain, and potty train our puppy. Who's fooling who here?

We are fools.

Jersey Shore: Where MTV Kills My Brain Cells and My DVR Conspires Against Me

Have you watched MTV's latest show, Jersey Show? If not, you should. Yes, it will feel like you are losing brain cells at a rapid pace, but it will entertain you. Apparently I am late to this train as the show debuted last week with a two hour episode. Lucky for me, however, I have a husband that likes to stay on top of the latest trends and he DVR'd it. Even luckier, I happened to walk into the room in the middle of his viewing. I was transfixed for the next hour. I then ran upstairs to watch the newest episode and to set my DVR to record the entire season. I think I could watch this show on repeat for 24 hours a day, it is so ridiculous. Every viewing brings a new gem. Here are some things I found hilarious/sad/funny/pathetic/intriguing:

• Mike "The Situation" - I still do not understand his nickname, even when it was explained to me. However, it does lend itself to funny sentences such as when the host of the live after show said "Is it okay if I call you Mike? I am not comfortable with The Situation." Ha! Get it?
• All of the boys look the same with various degrees of less attractiveness. That sentence makes about as much sense as The Situation, but if you watch the show you will know exactly what I mean.
• Snickers (real nickname Snooki - but the boys were calling her snickers and it stuck with me) is quickly becoming my favorite character despite the fact that she looked like Barney Rubble in a dress the other day.
• Sometimes I cannot understand a word that is being said.
• What kind of nickname is "JWOWW"? Why the extra "W"? Even better, she uses that when being introduced to people. Side note: From now I am going to be known as DBADD. I will even use it in Court: "Good morning your Honor, DBADD appearing on behalf of the defendant." The other side will shake in their boots.
• Even though all of the girls on the show have made out with all of the boys and some of the girls, they think all other girls the guys pick up are skanks/sluts/whores.
• One guy is always without a shirt. In fact he ran home from the bar because he was "angry" and between reaching the stairs and opening the door, he had taken off his shirt.
• Another guy let a girl take off his shirt in the bar while they were dancing. She then felt ill and left the bar WITH HIS SHIRT. He mysteriously was wearing another one.
• Later, that same guy and girl made out. Actually, HE made out with her as she laid there looking like she was going to pass out. He then inexplicably showed her his penis. It was pierced. She has a boyfriend.
• She had a boyfriend.
• She also has the biggest, most massive fake breasts ever. When she declared "the tits are coming out tonight", she did not lie. She wore the tiniest strips of material that made B and I ponder how much double sided tape was involved.
• Another girl had a boyfriend who got mad that she was living with a bunch of boys so he broke up with her. He is married.
• Snickers has been wanting to have sex since she arrived. She found a friend in a bar and declared him a SURE THING. She brought him home and he puked on her floor. She kicked him out after ordering him to clean it up. She then walked him home. Such a gentleman.
• Some guy got pink eye and showed everyone. The other guy lamented about how contagious it is "you can even get it FROM THE AIR!" Um, wouldn't we all have pink eye then? He also lamented that the guy got it from sticking his face in some girl's @$$.
• Pink eye guy did dive between some woman's legs while "dancing" at the bar after declaring that he liked all women, fat, old or ugly. I am sure that woman feels blessed.

My summary, however, is nothing compared to this cartoon clip I found on You Tube:

Since I first saw this on Thursday, my DVR has taped it EVERY SINGLE DAY. I am not even kidding. I came home Friday at 6 pm and wondered what the DVR was taping - Jersey Shore. I heard the DVR click on Saturday at 2 pm and was puzzled - Jersey Shore. Then on Sunday around noon I noticed the taping light - Jersey Shore! And all were the first episode. This is despite the fact that I told it to only tape NEW episodes.

It's a conspiracy. A guido* conspiracy.

*I assure you that I only use that term because it is used every 5 seconds in the show. In fact, I was not even aware of the term guidette. Now I know. Now you know.

Our First Halloween: Pumpkins, a Dragon, and Many Cars

This was our first Halloween in the new house. We had been warned about the number of kids/adult trick or treaters that we may encounter. We border another city that has a really early curfew (6 pm) due to crime and other issues, so those parents usually bring their children to our side...in cars. Our street was packed.

We invited B's sister and her family over to trick or treat with us and help us pass out candy. We had so much fun!

First up - the carved pumpkins. This one was mine:

B carved this one to look like it had fallen. One poor girl was traumatized until her father said "he is just sleeping." A few other children pointed out that he had fallen over. I guess B is a genius. And a sadist.

B drilled holes into this one and it looked great lit up. We left it in our backyard glowing eerily all night. Of course THAT picture didn't turn out. Side note: I hate my camera and/or the memory card that messes up half my pictures.

Here is another one that B carved. Before I went to go look at it, I asked him what kind of face he carved and he replied "a happy one." Um, well...

My pumpkin was quite disturbed to discover he had lost part of his scalp:

B's pumpkin, on the other hand, didn't seem to mind:

There is our nephew, dressed as a SCARY dragon, going to greet the early trick or treaters:

And there he is sticking his head in B's pumpkins. Did I tell you he is obsessed with pumpkins?

I wanted a picture of the pumpkins lit up at night. B wanted to ham it up with our brother-in-law, so they are pretending B is handing out candy and my brother-in-law is a child with a back problem:

After B's sister and her family returned from trick or treating, they told us some guy on the next block had a hearse. No biggie to us as he drives it every day. Apparently, though, he decked it out for Halloween and it included lights, a fog machine and scary music. You had to reach into the hearse to get your candy. Spooky!

Toward the end of the night, the kids mainly came in cars. Our street was packed:

It was a terrific night! Just when I thought we would have a ton of left over candy, the second shift came and nearly wiped us out. Luckily we were smart enough to turn out our light when we had two small bags left (100,000 bars - YUM). In case you were wondering, we bought approximately 900 pieces of candy.

Some other highlights from the night included:

• The 2 year old dressed like Michael Jackson, complete with hat, glove, socks, and sunglasses who would only say "oooh oooh" very softly under his breath.
• Seeing Mario run down our street to meet up with a kid dressed as a bicycle cop, complete with the bicycle
• Seeing Mario's father walk down the street 15 minutes later stating "I lost my Mario" only to return later to declare "I found him. He was under a giant mushroom."
• Seeing two teenagers in masks stare each other down in our walkway and asking B if he knew why they were having a "mask off"
• The mustard and ketchup costumes that we thought were crayons from across the street
• The woman that asked our in laws if she could pay them a couple of dollars to use our bathroom
• Our elderly next door neighbor running over dressed as the killer from Scream and holding a doll from The Scream painting which made noises and scared the crap out of the kids asking for candy
• Our neighbors' bat hanging from their doorway that was supposed to make noises when anyone approached, but wouldn't do anything unless he clapped so he would open the door, clap, scare the kids and then the bat would make noise
• B telling me to go pretend I was a scarecrow and scare the kids but instead I scared myself when the cornstalk touched me

Even the plants in our garden turned orange for the occasion:

Hope your Halloween was filled with candy, costumes and cute kids!