I See Your Barf Bag and Raise You a Bloody Napkin

Did you hear about the woman who was forced to stay on a flight for 10 hours while sitting next to a corpse the entire time? If not, you should read it here.  Her story reminded me of my story that, although it did not involve a corpse, came pretty close.

I am actually referencing # 11 on this list.  It was on a flight back from #1 on that same list.  My coworker and I were on a return flight from Vegas. We were in a three seat row with I on the end, my coworker "S" in the middle, and unknown passenger by the window.  At first, it started off fine. One of our seminar speakers sat down. Boring as he may have been, it would have made our flight a lot more bearable if he had stayed put. Unfortunately, he was traveling with his wife and wanted to sit next to her. So, when her seat mate showed up, I asked if they could switch seats, being the nice person that I am. I like to call that MISTAKE NO. 1.

New guy immediately sat down, put his head against the window and passed out. He reeked of alcohol and looked disheveled.  S was not amused. We took off and all seemed to go well although we kept a worried eye on Drunk Guy. Within 20 minutes, Drunk Guy jumped up, yelled "I HAVE TO GO TO THE RESTROOM" which spurred me into such immediate action, I spilled my drink.  He then proceeded to spend the next 20 minutes in the bathroom banging around.  S was SO not amused.  

He came back, sat down and grabbed a barf bag.  I warned S. I like to call that MISTAKE NO. 2.  She basically started sitting in my lap in order to avoid being thrown up on. While this was occurring, I realize Drunk Guy has a bloody nose and is wiping it with the barf bag.  I immediately tell S to watch out for wayward body fluids. I like to call that MISTAKE NO. 3.  Now S is over my lap and in the aisle declaring that she cannot and WILL not sit next to the guy. They have to move him to some other part of the plane. Panic has set in.

After assuring her that there was no secret place on the plane to put a grown drunk man, I come up with a solution - we switch seats.  All this does is manage to calm her growing panic. However, we spent the next three hours half perched in our seats looking warily at drunk guy expecting the worse.  Any idea how uncomfortable that is? Hugely.

Good news! Drunk guy never puked next to us. In fact, he never moved again.  Bad news! He continued to bleed all over himself until such time as I offered him a napkin. He was down to wiping it on his coat collar.  Sexy!

I learned a lot that flight.  First class is always a better option. You might still have a drunk as a seat mate, but you will have more room. Also, know your coworkers and their phobias before you go on 3 hour plane rides with them. 

I can only hope Drunk Guy learned something too.

Doubtful.



 

Wordless Wednesday: Everyone Needs a Shoulder to Lean On

It's Summertime and the Sprinkling's Easy

Is it hot enough for you? Don't you hate when people ask that? But they all do. It is like the easy button of small talk.  Anyway, it has been hot here the past couple of days. It started on Saturday, the day of our annual walking tour. It was so hot, I didn't even bother taking pictures.  Check out pictures from a prior year here and here.  Same type of houses, same type of heat.

When we got back, B decided he was going to water the dogs. Literally.  He broke out the sprinkler, which Jersey loves.  It was Nevada's first time.  Luckily, B had the camera at the ready and captured some fun moments:

How does this work?

Where does it come from?

Where does it go?

Oh there! In my face.

If I turn quickly I can catch it.

Maybe I should just contort.

Jersey lets Nevada know she has it under control.

A sprinkler challenge!

And a face-off!

Mid-shake fest.

My name is Nevada and I am FEROCIOUS!

The rest of us humans just showered and took naps. A perfect summer day.

Can you believe it is summer already?

In My Dreams, I'm Still Insane

Remember last summer when I said my dreams would make a great plot to a movie? Yep, nothing much has changed on that front.  I have kept track of a few of my favorite dreams since then and, well, I will let them speak for themselves.  I will say that I did not change or embellish anything*. These are exactly as I dreamt them, although not all at once. I am not THAT crazy!

I am in an old grocery store that is now a restaurant, but yet still a grocery store. I look over and notice two very large lions lazily lying around outside the front doors.  Suddenly I realize that the lions know how to open the automatic doors and I bolt through the store with them chasing me. As I scream for help I realize that the workers are out back in the alley on a smoke break. I bust through the door yelling "the lions are chasing me." They laugh until I point at the lions. Knowing that the lions can also open doors with knobs, I run down the alley until I find a small indent in the wall and press myself into it. They never find me.

I am being chased. Again. I end up in a bowling alley. I then end up on a beach where there are tons of bugs and fire ants. Jersey is trying to bite them to keep them away from me. I am trying to shoo them with my feet so she doesn't get bit in the mouth. They bite me on my ass.  Right after the sting, I realize that I think there is a tooth in my gum. I pull it out of my mouth and sure enough there is a part of a tooth. I later tell B that I lost part of a tooth and when he asks to see, it turns out I lost three teeth, all in the front!  I vow never to chew gum again.  Especially if it is mint green.

Next, it is the day of my trial. We are holding it at a dining room table in the office.  My paralegal keeps talking so I tell her to leave. Next my secretary is there to take notes, but she keeps making calls on her cell phone so I tell her to leave.  Meanwhile, we have a break and I leave to use the bathroom and get lost in a sea of buildings and floors trying to find my way back and panicking with every step.  Finally, the judge's clerk finds me and assures me that is okay. However, once I arrive I realize I do not have my file or even one piece of paper that I need for the trial.  I tell the court. The usually mean judge comes in laughing and asks why I didn't notice when I left that morning that I wasn't carrying anything. I have no answer for her.  Then she asks why I didn't think about it when I was reviewing my file last night. I don't bother to tell her that I didnt review it all because I had planned on "winging it."

We then go back to my office to actually review my file and there are these large black flying bugs around. I start screaming and decide we need to leave before they get me.  On our way out, my boss who has inexplicably turned into my uncle assures us that it is okay, that the bugs are harmless. When I tell him that one landed on my head and was stinging me, he tells me I am wrong. The bugs simply need to poop somewhere.

I am called into my office manager's office and told that my outfit is not work appropriate and I will need a whole new wardrobe. I am wearing a skirt, heels, a blouse and a blazer. I sarcastically say "do I get a wardrobe stipend?" and am told in fact I have $1500 and don't worry because the shop will call to appropriately dress me.

I am on my way to work heading up a staircase with apparently every single person in my office building. I am also carrying a child. I run into my former boss and we exchange pleasantries although I really hate her. I then run into my current boss who is wearing a bright yellow ruffled sleevless shirt which makes me think he looks like a clown. He tells me that people think we are "too close." I am tell him that is because we are close, we live near each other. I then realize he is the actor that plays the detective on Dexter.  I still have the baby.  After folding up my bicycle, I realize I have to be somewhere that babies aren't allowed. I find my former boss in her office working on her laptop on her bed and ask her to watch the baby. She says okay halfheartedly and tosses the baby to the side. I scream "Well EXCUSE ME but you are the only one that knows how to care for a baby around here."

On my way out, I drive my car straight into a hotel pool. Luckily it was in the shallow end and I could escape.

Later, I fall in love with the actor that plays Mark Zuckerberg in the Facebook movie. My other boyfriend didn't like that I was in love with two men at once so he made me break up with him. But as actor/Mark guy crossed the street after I dumped him, I could not bear to lose him and chased him down. We then discussed plots to TV shows.

I am at a trial, but again I dont have materials. Turns out I am not trying the case, but I am a witness. Then it turns out I am the defendant. I am accused of hitting a guy with a hamburger. The defense counsel, including Don Draper of Mad Men, tells me that I should tell the jury how much I love hamburgers. I think this is a terrible defense because there was a whole shelf of things I could have hit him with so if I loved hamburgers, naturally I would choose the hamburger. My attorney said "no, you would never waste a good hamburger by throwing it at someone." Good point.

I rest my case.  But not my dreams.

Is it any wonder that I look like this on some nights?

*I started writing this in July of 2010. Upon reading it today, even I think these dreams sound fictional. However, I know they are not as I never lie to myself.**

**That I know of.

Still Just Chillin' In These Parts

Hope your holidays are as restful and peaceful as ours!

The Art of Laboring, Rescuing and Discovering

Well, it is Labor Day. The day you celebrate all of the hard work and labor everyone does by not working.  Wait. Isn't that every holiday?  We are certainly practicing holiday living over here.  Some more so than others.  This is what I came downstairs to find:

Why, yes, that IS every single animal we own lying on B.  B seems pretty happy about it right?  Care to take a closer look?

Chester wants to help him play video games.

Jersey cannot really fit on B but she does a damn good job of taking up most of the rest of the couch!

And see that one right there? The cute little fuzz ball all curled up under B's arm?  Also known as Brad?  Yes, he ESCAPED AGAIN THE OTHER NIGHT.  Escaped. Again.  Is escape the right word when he basically walked through an open door?  Maybe not.  However, B found all three of the cats outside and managed to get them all (Chester ran right inside without any real prodding, Mooch was found under the car), except for B who made a mad leap on to a fence which he then used as his own vaulting mat to sail off into the front yard and disappear before B got there.  

Why, yes, B was not thrilled to be awakened at 3:30 a.m. that night, two hours before he awakes for work, to hear my flying down the stairs screaming "I WILL SAVE YOU BRAD!!!".  What can I say? I heard a major streetcat fight and my little B was not going to get hurt.  

Never did find the cat fight. Or a flashlight for that matter.  Brad, however, was sitting on the steps when B awoke in the morning.  Is there such a thing as a cat crate? We need a cat crate for that one.

A family reunited.

In other news, B was late coming home from work today because he found a gun in the street. Yes, a GUN just lying in the STREET.  A gun with a full clip.  We are so gangsta' around here that we use words like "clip."  So he dutifully took it to the police station who asked him why he didn't call 911.  Can you imagine that call?

B: Yes, I would like to report a gun in the street.
Police: Is anyone holding it?
B: No, it is just lying there.
Police: Is anyone dead.
B: Not that I can see.
Police: Well, just bring that shit in.

Happy Labor Day everyone! May your animals remain prisoners and may your streets remain free from guns!

UPDATE: For those inquiring minds, B would like to report he is not a dumbass. He picked up the gun with his sweatshirt and the clip with his hat. No fingerprints.

Dog Days of Trial Are Over. I Have Not Yet Recovered.

That is what a dog looks like after spending 8 hours at doggie daycare.

That is what Dani feels like after spending 8 days in trial.

We both need more of this.

When it Gets Too Hot 'Round These Parts, Which is Every Day Now, We Have to Find Our Cool Spots Where We Can

Some of us will take advantage of whatever cool spot we can find, even if we do not fit:

And we will spread out even if there is nowhere to go:

Anything to stay cool:

To think, I thought that was a tight space to shower in!

Someone's Had a Growth Spurt Even if She Doesn't Know It

Does anyone remember this adorable little bitty puppy? The one that B snuck into my life without my permission and who instantly stole my heart and won't give it back*:

Not so little now, but still adorable, heart stealing and oh-so-cute (especially when sleeping!):

Before, she could fit in the crook of your arm taking up minimal space:

Yep. Those days are gone:

*Don't tell this to B because then he will think that he can sneak all kinds of things in the house as long as they are cute. YOU CANNOT SNEAK THINGS IN B! I HAVE EAGLE EYES.**

**Well, with my glasses on of course.

Lil B's Version of a Window Seat Has a Whole New Meaning

Brad takes window seats to a whole new level. Yes, that is the shadow of my laptop in the window. We were scared if we went to get the camera, he would move. These photos are courtesy of Photo Booth which required us to stand in acrobatic poses in order to manage not to get our faces in there as well.

A perfect way to spend a hot, muggy June day. Lil' B is a genius!

Lazy Days Equal Watching Actual Children Reenact The Hills (Not Just the Usual "Children" That Star on the Show)

Today was a lazy day, so you get a lazy post. If you have ever watched The Hills, you know how utterly terrible the acting can be. Below, watch some kids reenact some scenes. You will be amazed at what better actors they are.

My favorite parts? How the girl playing Audrina is always looking up and how Heidi goes from being plastic to just being an actual Barbie doll at the end.

I Am a Vampire, but There Are Drugs for That

Recently I went to the doctor for my yearly physical and blood work. That is, if you call recently three months ago. Anyhow, I never called to get the results of my blood work. For most this would not be a problem. As B says, "if there is a problem, they will call YOU." In theory, this is probably correct. With my doctor's office, nothing could be farther from the truth.

You see, back in October of 2006, my doctor sent me for a sleep study as he thought I may have sleep apnea. When I didn't hear back from his office, I called them. The nurse proceeded to tell me that I had been diagnosed with sleep apnea and that the doctor wanted to send me for a second test. Apparently I was just supposed to know this without the office telling me, like I am psychic or something. The joke was on them though. Turns out after a year of battling with a sleep machine, I didn't have sleep apnea after all. I am narcoleptic. In case you don't know, that is pretty much the exact OPPOSITE of sleep apnea.

Yes, I still see the same doctor. At least, the same office.

So I call the other day and tell the nurse it is probably stupid that I am calling because they would have called me if it was important (knowing all the while that probably isn't true). She finds my records and says mostly my blood work was fine, however:

Nurse: Your Vitamin D levels are low.

Me: I was wondering about that and meant to have you check them.

Nurse. Well, it is LOW.

Me: Okay.

Nurse, VERY VERY LOW.

Me: um...okay?

Nurse: You need to take a supplement.

Me: Sure.

Nurse: 3,000 units a day

Me: WOW.

Of course when I tell B this he says it is because I never go outside. I do go outside. To get into my car. To get into the office. To get into the house. That is outside, right? Also? I have very nice cancer-free skin. That's a plus. I told B that he would appreciate that in 20 years. He merely responded:

"You will be OLD"

Thanks. Apparently, my Dad and brother had the same reaction, chuckling about my not going outside. I also informed my brother that I had beautiful skin. "Yeah, pale, alabaster, translucent skin", he said.

Jealous, much?

It is not that I don't want to go outside. But what am I supposed to do out there? You have all seen my front porch. Can't sit there. My porch swing is on a covered porch. Sometimes I walk to the store and to Starbucks. One time I hung out at the park until people looked at me weird because there were kids there and I didn't have any kids even though I was swinging on the kids' swing. I go on walking tours. Picnics and barbecues are nice. But on an everyday basis, what am I supposed to be doing out there? Anyone?

I can't help it that fresh air and sunshine makes me want to open all of the blinds, drapes, and windows.

And nap.

Isn't that what a narcoleptic vampire is supposed to do?

Of Cottages, Bears and Kayaks...How We Spent the Fourth of July

Typically, we do not do anything exciting for the 4th of July as B is always working. The fact is B works every day and the summer is his busiest season. Thus, we do not get many trips until fall or winter. Occasionally he can steal away for a day or two but the last time I recall that happening over a holiday weekend was when we first met (which is a whole other story for a different day). Somehow, this year, B bribed someone or something and got the actual 4th of July off. What made it even better is that his parents just purchased a cottage up north. So off we went!

At first I thought I forgot my camera (oh the horror!) but I later found it in my bag. So you get some pictures:

The view from the property complete with the kayak that was purchased the day before:

Some beautiful wildflowers growing on the property:

B testing out his kayak skills:

And later donning a matching hat. Planned?

More view:

The cottage, complete with floor to ceiling windows which are perfect for looking out on the lake, or lounging around and taking a nap (right B?):

Where I spent my time:

Can you see the butterfly? I suck at up close photos. I blame the camera, however:

The former owners of the property, or at least of the dock:

Seriously those ducks would not leave. Everyone tried to scare them off. They would squawk and just come back. B's Dad decided to try out the kayak:

And try to scare the ducks:

Alas, it didn't work.

Later we went to a graduation/bbq and got to see a bear made out of a giant tree trunk. Look how cool:

He was made with a chainsaw by a guy who does it as a hobby. A hobby. Dude, I cannot even hem no sew curtains (again, another post) and this guy makes a 6 foot bear?

I cry unfair.