Wordless Wednesday: Sometimes You Have to Read It to Believe It

Is It Hoarding If You Still Get a Discount?

While I was writing yesterday's post about B basically rebuilding our back porch, I realized that the first picture was taken over 2 and a half years ago. All this time it was just sitting in my post queue waiting for life.  Then, THAT reminded me of something that happened recently while my mother and I were shopping.

We were at one of my favorite stores, Bed, Bath & Beyond, and seriously buying up the place. Luckily, I had many 20% coupons, although none to spare like last time. If you are a BBB shopper, you know that those 20% off coupons are golden and, better yet, the store will take them even if they expire. So I keep a stash at home and in my car and rotate them.  

It had been a while since I had shopped there, but I had just enough coupons for me and my mother's purchases.  We were close because we had just been there a few weeks prior and exhausted my car supply.

Anyhow, I noticed that my mother's cashier was having a difficult time with one of her coupons. My mom told me that it wasn't going through for some reason.  So I look at the cashier, puzzled.  She tells me that sometimes coupons won't go through if they are more than two years old.

Me: Oh, I find it hard to believe that I have a coupon that is two years old!

Cashier: Actually, this coupon is from 2002.

Um, I had a coupon over eight years old. OVER EIGHT YEARS OLD. I have tried to tell B I am not a hoarder. This is not helping my cause. My mom said maybe it was her coupon. That is not helping her cause.

The coupon was a lost cause and the cashier just tore it in half while looking at us with pity.

I have been keeping an eye out for the cameras ever since.

What's That Spammer? You Want to Give Me Money as a Woman of the Day? Thanks! Wait. What?

I recently received the following spam email. At my work email address, no less. I must say that this is one of the funniest I have received in a while. I should also let you know that the subject was "Dear In-Christ." Of course, that is what caught my eye. Of course, I have absolutely no idea what that means. Since when has that ever stopped me?

For your viewing and deciphering pleasure:

Dear Sir/Madam,

My name is Mrs Doris C. E, am 75yrs old of age, i stay in new york city, USA.I am a good merchant, I have several industrial companies and good share in various banks in the world.I spend all my life on investment and coporate business. all the way ilost my husband and two beautiful kids in fatal accident that occur in november 5th 2003.

I am a very greedy woman with all cost i dont know much and care about people, since when I have an experience of my it difficult to sleep and give rest. later in the year 2006 febuary i was sent a letter of medical check up, as my personal doctor testify that i have a lung cancer, which can easily take off my life soon. I found it uneasy to survive myself, because a lot of my investment cannot be run and manage by me again.I quickly call up a pastor/prophet to give me positive thinking on this solution, as my adviser. He minister to me to share my properties ,wealth, to motherless baby/orphanage homes/people that need money for survivor both student that need money/ business woman and man for their investment and for future rising.

So therfore i am writing this letter to people who are really need help from me both student in college, to contact me urgently. so that i can make available preparation on that.especially women of the day, who are divorcedby their husband, why they cannot survive the mist of feeding theirself.

please contact me and stop weeping. probably let me now what you really need the money for, and if you can still help me to distribute money to nearest orhanages homes near your town.now am so much with God, am now born again.May the lord bless you, as you reach me,please to remind you,dont belongs to scammers or any act of fraudlent on internet. I will give more information to you as i await your response immediately to this email address.

I have removed her name and email address for fear that you would be persuaded by this finely written and moving request to accept one billion dollars. I don't know about you, but when I hear about a very greedy woman who tragically lost her family that she didn't care about and then was told she was dying and didn't have much time FOUR YEARS ago and now wants to give me her fortune because I may be a (1) a motherless baby, (2) orphanage home, (3) people that need money for survivor, (4) both student that need money, and (5) business woman for my future rising, I must take advantage of such offer. It also doesn't hurt that I am a (1) woman of the day, (2) divorced by my husband, (3) that cannot survive in the mist of feeding myself. It is almost like she knows me!

So, tell me...how exactly can one be a motherless baby? Even if your mother isn't around, she still exists, unless she was killed in a car accident in 2003 and then that is just tragic. However, I doubt a baby can type. If it can, it don't need your damn money lady. It is also awfully nice of her to offer money to the producers of Survivor (although they don't need it), the two students that need money and the business woman who apparently is dead, but will rise again? Maybe that is what she meant with the subject of "in-christ."

Well, that is all. I cannot go on with this post any longer as I am waiting for The Mist (great movie) so I can survive and feed myself. Maybe then I can stop weeping.

I am awfully hungry right now.

*Spell check had a field day with that letter. I left it as I received it. For autenticity reasons, of course. The humor was just a bonus.

Facebook: Bringing People Together. Sometimes Two People that Aren't Married Although One of Them Thinks They Are. Wait...What?

It all started with an innocent status update from a friend:

"Anyone that found my husband, John Smith, as a friend through me, please delete. I have the wrong John Smith."

That's right folks. She friended someone she thought was her husband but he wasn't! Not only that, he accepted her friendship. And, they were Facebook friends for quite some time before she figured it out.

Of course, then the jokes began:

"Did you find a better husband?"

"You should tell him that he is not your husband. Do it on Father's Day."

"But does he kiss the same?"

Apparently, everyone in her family had a good laugh due to this. However, it would appear that the last laugh was on the poor wrong John Smith. You see, my friend badgered him into putting up a photo because he didn't have one and even recruited her family to badger him as well. And he caved! To a bunch of strangers. Strangers that thought he was related to them.

Until he put up a picture, that is.

Well, for his wife. The other friends and family members just thought he looked strange. Some kept sending him messages. I wonder why this guy put up with this for so long. I mean, even though I changed his name, the last name was VERY common. Did he just think he was related to them?

It makes you wonder...is everyone that is your friend on Facebook REALLY your friend?

{insert spooky music here}

They are Macon Progress

This weekend my Mom and I went to breakfast at a new place in a different part of town since we had an errand to run out there. The food was good, the toast was huge and the waitress was nuts. Really. Immediately after we gave her our breakfast order she said "We have a lot of good lunch specials. Take a look." and left. Hell, we hadn't even had breakfast yet. The lunch specials didn't begin until 11:30. It was 9. Apparently, she thought we were the type of people that go into a restaurant for breakfast and never leave. Okay, maybe that has happened before. Whatever.

In any event, I learned that word on the street* is that the under-construction-breakfast place is open again. My Mom and brother went to visit and reported that the menu is mostly fixed. Mostly. My brother said that he found "chicken brest." See? I think that is even worse. You go to great lengths to fix your jacked up menu and it STILL has a spelling error. Classy.

Also? The formerly greek-like-breakfast-place-turned-coney-island-breakfast-place has branched out to embrace all sorts of ethnic food. For example, they have a fine Mexican selection:

Taco Salad

Quesadillas

Tacos

Almond Boneless Chicken

Wait. What? Yes. They had almond boneless chicken listed under Mexican food.

I wonder if it was made with chicken brest?

*By street, I mean my brother. He has been stalking the place, waiting for it to open.

Got Chocolate? How about some Macon?

Remember when I told you that my Mom and I had found a new place for Saturday breakfasts? Well, actually it is my brother. I am all about giving people credit, especially when things go wrong. Kudos J!

Anyhow, the last couple of times that we were there, things had been off. My Mom, who is able to make friends with anyone, had suspicions that the place had been bought based on prior conversations with some of the staff. Sure enough, one of our waitresses confirmed it for us. She did not seem happy.

The next time we went in, there was a name change, and our waitresses were no longer there. Instead of being greeted with "I put you in that booth with your coffee", we were greeted with "how many?" It was quite sad.

But with new ownership came a new menu. Big, shiny and bright. We looked over the new menu for no apparent reason since we both get the same thing every.single.time. (Me = ham and cheese omelette, potatoes extra crispy, wheat toast. Mom = ham, cheese and mushroom omelette, potatoes extra crispy, no toast). Reading the menu caused all kinds of hilarity. Mom first noticed something was amiss:

Mom (in a fierce whisper): Look at the top of the menu on the left. What IS that?

Me: What?

Me: Oh, TREE eggs. What the?

Mom: (giggling)

Me: I think they are supposed to be FREE eggs as in free range.

Mom: I KNOW, but that is too funny.

We then read the menu more carefully and counted no less than 12 errors. Some were typos, some were just flat out wrong. I have seen menus with errors before, but this was the worst I have ever seen. Below is what we found:

~Omelette with Chaddar cheese

~Consuming raw food can cause Foodbome illness

~with a side of macon

~Cornded beefr and hash (no that is not my typo but theirs)

~Side salad with Ramaine lettuce (sounds like an actress)

~Hamburger with Picke

~Hamburger with Cheese c (yes that is EXACTLY what it said. I don't know what the extra "c" is about either)

~Fish and chips with Tartar sauce (yes, please can I have some raw meet on my cooked fish)

~Corded beef and hash (in case you didn't want yours cornded, but corded).

~side order of Cattage cheese (they really have problems with the cheese descriptions

~Pie A la made (well, crap. I hope it is made. It will be messy if *I* have to make it)

~Got chocolate (that wasn't a question, but apparently hot chocolate. I only know this because it was in the beverage section).

After telling the waitress at least three times that we needed to study the menu after having already placed our order, we were through. We laughed so hard that it was difficult for me to type those words into my phone. I would have taken pictures but that would have been too obvious.

Despite the atrocious menu, we did go back. The waitresses were back. The food seemed good. The prices were the same. However, this weekend my Mom told me we would have to find another place, at least temporarily. Apparently our breakfast place is closed for remodeling.

I cannot wait for the Gran Opeening.

*Spell check LOVED this entry.

You Say Tomato, I Say Porn...

I have a problem. Sometimes I hear people say things that don't make any sense. I don't know if it is because I really don't listen to them or if my brain likes to twist things around. However, it does make for some amusing times. Unless it happens with B because then I get the old "WHY would I say THAT?" Party pooper. The thing is...sometimes people do say crazy, random, off-the-wall things. In fact, it happens so much in my line of work perhaps that is why I don't think twice if I think someone in my social circle appears to have said something insane.

Apparently, though, this lack of listening properly also encompasses a lack of reading properly which I found out last week in court. After having waited for about 3 hours, and after having been called LAST on the docket even though I was unopposed, it was finally time to head back to the office. I was standing in the hallway with a younger male attorney whom I did not know lamenting on how long we had been there (he had been second to last on the docket - still in front of me!) and a middle aged woman. Finally the elevator arrives, the door opens and out comes a man wearing a polo with some writing on it. Here, is where it all went wrong. After I, the young male attorney and the woman get in the elevator and the doors shut, I turn to them and say:

Me: Did that guy's shirt say PORNmouth?

YML: Um, no. It said PORTmouth.

Me: Oh...okay. Everyone just forget I ever said anything.

YML: Pornmouth? What's on YOUR mind?

Me: Yep, like I said, everyone just forget I even asked.

YML: It is Friday night. What are YOUR plans for tonight?*

Lady: [snicker]

Then the elevator stopped, the doors opened and I shouted "This is my floor" while running out and not even checking to see if it was my floor.** Thankfully, it was.

*Obviously this man does not know me at all because if he did he would know that my Friday night plans usually involve falling asleep in the chair in my office before 9. I like to live it up on the weekends.

**This sentence makes it sound like I was embarrassed. Really I was not all that embarrassed. I have no shame.