What Happens If You Unfriend Your Only Friend? Are You Friendless or Are You Free?

I heard somewhere that today is National Unfriend Day or something. Facebook users are supposed to pare down their friend list and get rid of the unnecessary bulk.  This topic is extremely timely as I have found that I have recently been defriended by a few people.

Now, I do not particularly care if someone defriends me. Except maybe my mom, although she is not on Facebook.  Okay, maybe my brother, my husband, my best friend, that would be sad.  Random people that I reconnected with, but haven't really talked to much? I take no offense.  Time is short. Life is hard. Facebook is full of posts.  Although in my defense, I don't post a lot. Wait. Maybe I am boring people?

In any event, I typically only notice I have been defriended when it is someone that posts a lot and then all of a sudden they stop.  No, they didn't stop. They are still posting endlessly on Facebook, I just don't get to see it.  On to the next 100 posts from friends and family.

But you know what is strange? When you get defriended by someone who only has one friend on Facebook - YOU.  Seriously this just happened to me. Actually, I don't know when it happened because you are not exactly notified when your friendship has been deactivated.  I will pretend it just happened.

So, I am going through my old facebook messages and I find one from this friend that I invited to Facebook. That's right, he wasn't even on Facebook until I came calling. Better yet, I was his only friend. That was a bit strange.  You know what else is strange?  He would post things to his wall, news articles and tidbits and I realized, as his only friend, he was posting directly to me!  Was I supposed to comment on every thing he posted? Why did he think I wanted to read articles from the Wall Street Journal? Was he trying to tell me something?  I guess now I will never know.

You know what is stranger? He is still on Facebook. Without any friends.  Yes, I have been defriended by someone who would rather have no friends than be my friend.  It is like he is the king of Facebook, but he doesn't have any subjects.  

Facebook = bringing people together, tearing them apart, and killing all self esteem.

Now who can *I* defriend??

I See Your Quarter and Raise You a What the Hell Just Happened?

Getting through the security lines at the courthouse is always an adventure. There is one particular court that is always changing the rules - keys out, keys in, no cell phones, who cares about cell phones, feel free to bring your bayonet in by all means.  There is also no telling as to what will set the metal detector off except that it undoubtedly will not be metal.

So it was no surprise that we were waiting there, me and 20 other people, stuck behind a lady that basically had to undress to get through.  I could sense some annoyance coming from behind me, but I decided to focus on my own annoyance instead. First mistake.

As soon as the woman in front of me was cleared and before I could even think to take a step toward the detectors, a woman behind me practically barges her way through me to get into line.  My usual decorum evaporated:

Me: "Oh, EXCUSE ME!

Lady: "What?"

As I stand there with my arms open wide and about to shout "what do you think", she points to the ground behind me and says "There's a quarter."  

Here's where I would tell you that I retorted with a "Nice try old woman. Don't try to distract me with shiny things.  I don't need money that bad" while pushing her out of the way and running through the metal detectors screaming "I am coming your honor."  Sadly, that did not happen.

What happened? I was totally caught off guard and turned to find that there WAS a quarter there on the ground. I then wondered why there was a quarter there and how she knew there was a quarter there and if she was a member of MENSA.  Meanwhile, she was through the detector and off like an apparition.

That is, until I caught up with her on the elevator and she proceeded to answer her cellphone like this:

I AM ON THE ELEVATOR IN COURT AND I CANNOT TALK RIGHT NOW SO I WILL HAVE TO HANG UP, BUT WHY ARE YOU CALLING?

Luckily, I got off one floor after the phone call came in and before I totally lost my hearing.  Later when I relived this event with those that I work with, I could only think of one thing:

I really wanted to pick up that quarter.

Facebook: Bringing People Together. Sometimes Two People that Aren't Married Although One of Them Thinks They Are. Wait...What?

It all started with an innocent status update from a friend:

"Anyone that found my husband, John Smith, as a friend through me, please delete. I have the wrong John Smith."

That's right folks. She friended someone she thought was her husband but he wasn't! Not only that, he accepted her friendship. And, they were Facebook friends for quite some time before she figured it out.

Of course, then the jokes began:

"Did you find a better husband?"

"You should tell him that he is not your husband. Do it on Father's Day."

"But does he kiss the same?"

Apparently, everyone in her family had a good laugh due to this. However, it would appear that the last laugh was on the poor wrong John Smith. You see, my friend badgered him into putting up a photo because he didn't have one and even recruited her family to badger him as well. And he caved! To a bunch of strangers. Strangers that thought he was related to them.

Until he put up a picture, that is.

Well, for his wife. The other friends and family members just thought he looked strange. Some kept sending him messages. I wonder why this guy put up with this for so long. I mean, even though I changed his name, the last name was VERY common. Did he just think he was related to them?

It makes you wonder...is everyone that is your friend on Facebook REALLY your friend?

{insert spooky music here}

This Doesn't Sound Like a Very Good Horoscope

The other day, I found this horoscope in my email box. At first it sounded delightful:

You are on the brink of something fantastic, DANIELLE, so just hang in there a little bit longer. It could be that you feel like the little train engine who is slowly working her way up the mountain. Perhaps you have made compromises and sacrifices along the way in order to get where you are. Just keep going. Pretty soon you will top the crest, and the rest of the journey will be all downhill. The tremendous work you have put in will pay off generously.

Wait.

"The rest of the journey will be all downhill."

Downhill? Doesn't that sound...um, bad? Like, "oh, it's all downhill from here" [insert sad face].

I mean, really. Who wants to "top the crest" only to fall all the way down. Can't I stay on that crest for a while?

Lessons learned:

1. Hard work does NOT pay off.
2. Crests are temporary.
3. Being at the top means you are going to fall.
4. Downhill = bad
5. Horoscopes are stupid.

Flashback Friday: The Dating Blues

Recently a woman went on the date of her life. Not in a good way, however. You see, at the end of the date, the guy asked for her car keys because he forgot his wallet and he took off with her car. Carjacked, robbed and stood up all on the same date. Isn't that something? It was the talk of all of the radio stations around here and the DJs asked for callers to give their best "worst date" story. That is when I remembered this:

Flash back about 6 years ago. I was headed out of town to a legal conference with my boss. You will remember him from here. Anyway, at these conferences, vendors would wine and dine us. This time was no exception. One of the vendors set up a dinner and conference at the House of Blues. Sounded like it would be a fantastic time. My boss thought it would be better if I had a date. I really didn't care one way or another, but didn't mind a little adventure. So he called an attorney who he knew in that city and arranged for one of his associates to accompany me to the dinner and a show. We talked before I headed out of town and he seemed normal enough. He was an attorney - meh, but other than that all was well.

On the night of the dinner, many of the attendees and the vendors knew about this setup so all I hoped is that it would not be awkward*. Soon enough he showed up, we found each other and proceeded on our "date." He was nice enough, average looking. During dinner we had some conversation, but mostly it was group conversation. It was a really nice dinner - steak, seafood, appetizers. I recall at the time the talk around the table was about The Passion of the Christ as it had just came out. My date was Jewish. However, I did not sense any uneasiness on his behalf.

Around 10:30 or so, we all headed down to see the concert. I grabbed us a table with some of the other attendees. Then my date said he had to go to the bathroom and would be right back. After he left, I turned to say something to one of the guys at the table when I realized:

...he took his jacket with him...

...to the bathroom...

that man was NOT coming back. I was flabbergasted. Heck, if he wanted to leave, all he had to do was say it was late, he had work, fake a phone call, yawn a lot, but to PRETEND to go to the bathroom never to return? This was an adult!

So I tell the guy at the table what I suspect to be true. Then the vendor host walks by and asks where my date is, so I tell her too. They assure me he will return. No. Nobody takes the coat with them to the bathroom.

He never returned.

I got stood up in the MIDDLE of the date. Classic.

The next day I told my boss who promptly asked what I had did to cause such a thing to occur. Right, because I totally deserved to be left in the House of Blues like that.

I stood my boss up for dinner that night.

What comes around goes around.

*Right now, B is reading this and saying OCKward. He thinks that is how I pronounce it. Now I insist on only pronouncing it with a British accent.

You Say Tomato, I Say Porn...

I have a problem. Sometimes I hear people say things that don't make any sense. I don't know if it is because I really don't listen to them or if my brain likes to twist things around. However, it does make for some amusing times. Unless it happens with B because then I get the old "WHY would I say THAT?" Party pooper. The thing is...sometimes people do say crazy, random, off-the-wall things. In fact, it happens so much in my line of work perhaps that is why I don't think twice if I think someone in my social circle appears to have said something insane.

Apparently, though, this lack of listening properly also encompasses a lack of reading properly which I found out last week in court. After having waited for about 3 hours, and after having been called LAST on the docket even though I was unopposed, it was finally time to head back to the office. I was standing in the hallway with a younger male attorney whom I did not know lamenting on how long we had been there (he had been second to last on the docket - still in front of me!) and a middle aged woman. Finally the elevator arrives, the door opens and out comes a man wearing a polo with some writing on it. Here, is where it all went wrong. After I, the young male attorney and the woman get in the elevator and the doors shut, I turn to them and say:

Me: Did that guy's shirt say PORNmouth?

YML: Um, no. It said PORTmouth.

Me: Oh...okay. Everyone just forget I ever said anything.

YML: Pornmouth? What's on YOUR mind?

Me: Yep, like I said, everyone just forget I even asked.

YML: It is Friday night. What are YOUR plans for tonight?*

Lady: [snicker]

Then the elevator stopped, the doors opened and I shouted "This is my floor" while running out and not even checking to see if it was my floor.** Thankfully, it was.

*Obviously this man does not know me at all because if he did he would know that my Friday night plans usually involve falling asleep in the chair in my office before 9. I like to live it up on the weekends.

**This sentence makes it sound like I was embarrassed. Really I was not all that embarrassed. I have no shame.

Only Time Will Tell Unless It's Fake

B, upon arriving home from work at 10:40 am one Saturday, asked:

B: What time did you get up today?

Me: I don't know. Maybe a mere half hour ago.

B: A half hour ago, huh. Are you sure?

Me: Yes, because the fake clock* said 10:20 a.m.

B: Ah ha! So you really got up 20 minutes ago!

Me: Um, no. A half hour ago. Just because the fake clock is ten minutes off, it doesn't mean that time moves any different.

B: [silence]

Me: Are you following me?

B: No.

Me: When the fake clock says 10:50 right now, it is really 10:40. So when I got up at 10:20 fake clock time, it was really 10:10 - a half hour ago.

B: Fake clock schmake clock.

...and B for the win! Really, how can you argue with a rhyme involving made up words?

*fake clock refers to our bedroom alarm clock that we set 10 minutes fast. Really, it is fake time not a fake clock.

Who Created This Mess?

Ever since I posted this picture:

and talked about how B's dresser always looks like that and how my dresser is always neat (and it is), B has wanted me to rectify the situation. It is burning him up how all you readers out there think that I am this nice neat freak and he is a mess. B is right. It is simply not true. Sure my dresser may be neater than his, but on any given day, that is about it. I am by no means a slob, but things do get messy.

You know what makes me REALLY messy? A project. A project such as putting your desk with your newly neatly organized bins together. It doesn't help that B set everything up and that he left everything that I had on and in his desk on my floor. Yeah, that stuff pretty much stayed there for a week.

So before you got those beautiful pictures of my desk area, the place sort of looked like this (thanks to pictures by B with my camera).

It starts off with some stuff on my desk:

And goes on to stuff on the ottoman:

And then stuff on the end table:

And then on the floor behind the desk:

That is messy. What a bunch of junk! Actually, B said he had never seen such an odd assortment of things in an adult's desk. So what if I had bobbleheads, a troll doll, a stuffed lady bug, a magic 8 ball, makeup, and gum? Doesn't everyone have that in their desks?

Those are necessities, you know.

Text Me Not

Remember that time I got an email from someone that thought she knew me? Well apparently I get text messages from people like that too.* Oh! And I am psychic.  Case in point...

Early in the morning I got a text from a friend. One of those pass it along texts. Kind of like a chain email, but cuter.  But that got me thinking later about people spam texting. Does that ever occur, I thought?  A short while later I was alerted to a text message as follows:

[insert 5 billion "Fwd:"s here] / // // /___/ /__________

that would be my heartbeat if i ever lost

you.  Send 2 everyone you care about 

including me!

Okay, my first thought was basically "okay..."  My second thought was "who the HELL sent THIS to me?"  And what were those lines about?  So I look at the phone number. Yep, I have absolutely NO clue who this is. Clearly, I do not know this person and clearly they do not know me.  If they had, I probably wouldn't have gotten such a message.  Now, rather than simply ignoring the text like a rational human being might, I decided to inform the person that we did not, in fact, know each other.  That was not as easy as you would think:

Me:  Who is this?

Text: KK [real name redacted]

Me: I don't know you?

Text: From [name redacted] technical school

HUH?  Okay, I REALLY do not know this person. Time to end this nonsense:

Me: Nope. You have the wrong number.

Text: You taught a cooking class there in 2005.

Seriously. The texter seriously said that! Me! A cooking class! Not only does she not know me, but she has clearly never read this blog.  Otherwise she would know about this, and this, and this.  Cooking teacher....ha.

Me: No. I did not. You have the wrong number.

Text: I guess if you do not remember me even though that's the number that was given to me.

Okay. I did not say I did not remember her. I said I AM NOT THAT PERSON. I never went to that school. I did not teach the class. You have the wrong number.  So what do I do? Of course...I call her:

Text:  Hello?

Me: It's Dani.

Text: Hi - you taught me a cooking class in 2005.

Me: No I did not. I have NEVER taught anything, let alone cooking. I am sorry, we do not know each other. And, actually, you would not want me to teach you cooking. Believe you me. You are better off.

Text:...okay...[clearly not believing she doesn't know me]

Meanwhile, I am IMing my Mom to inform her that I am busy arguing with a stranger about whether I know her or not.  Oh and she thinks I taught a cooking class.  I don't think my Mom ever laughed so hard in her life.  

The girl went on to say that SOMEONE gave her this number so I must be the teacher. I am not. I know it. She does not know it or refuses to know it.  I just hope she loses my number.  On another note...why would you wait almost four years to text an old teacher only to send them THAT message?  Really? You heart would stop beating if you ever lost me? How's it been for the past four years without me?

Still beating I bet.

*While looking up old posts to link, I forgot that this is not my first stranger text.  There was the one where the lady wanted me to babysit.   Not sure if mistaking me for a cooking teacher is funnier than a babysitter, but they both get chuckles from me.