Crime Watch Wednesday - Where There's Fire, There's Toast?

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This week's Crime Watch Wednesday proves the old adage "where there is smoke, there is fire" is totally wrong.

Police reported to the scene of a house fire to discover it was just a person that burned some toast.

I love the simplicity of this one.  The reader is left to wonder who called the police? Why did they call the police and not the fire department? Was there actually smoke or just the smell of something burning?  How did the police determine it was just toast? Did it involve breaking down doors?  I would like to believe it happened like this:

Dispatch: Officers get to 123 Lane Avenue STAT - the place is ON FIRE!

Police: We are not the fire department.

Dispatch: Don't argue with me! It is an EMERGENCY!!

Police: What are we supposed to do when we get there? Shoot the fire?

Dispatch: EMERGENCY!!!

{upon arriving at the scene}

Officer 1: I don't see a fire.

Officer 2: It smells like something is burning.

Officer 1: It smells like breakfast.

Officer 1: Mmmmm...breakfast.

{upon arriving at the front door}

Owner: Can I help you?

Officer 2: Something is burning.

Officer 1: We were told there is a fire.

Officer 2: It smells like something is burning.

Owner: Um, I burnt some toast?

Officer 1: Mmmmm....breakfast

I should totally be a movie writer. Or a sitcom writer.

True story - yesterday I got to the office and saw a huge amount of people milling around the front of the building and around the elevators. Double the amount of people you find standing there when the elevator is broke.  Somehow this only seemed mildly odd to me.  I heard rumblings of "false alarm." Then I ran into our receptionist who informed me the building had just been evacuated minutes before.  Why you ask? 

Someone burnt toast on the fifth floor.

It's an epidemic, people.  Lock up your bread!

The Little B That Could, and Will, and Does...

When I first told you about our new cat Bradford a/k/a Lil' B* back in September, the real B told me that I took crappy pictures. He is right. That little kitten was a bundle of energy and it was hard to capture anything but a blur. However, in the week or two after, I managed to get some good ones. I can hardly believe that was two months ago. My how Brad has grown. These are all pre-growth spurt:

This is when Brad was still living on the back porch in quarantine because of his runny face and lack of shots as he was too young:

A curious kitty:

Naturally, we would do a side-by-side comparison of Brad with the fattest cat. We are mean like that. Although, we did not force Mooch to go through the same thing as Mooch would not come near Brad:

And for length comparison:

Eventually Brad made his way inside and has not left, with the exception of trips to the vet. He prefers the inside now and is still a curious cat. He likes to watch B on the computer:

Looks like they were doing important stuff right there. Brad also found his own mini TV to watch the fish:

He is like a child sitting up so close to the "TV" like that.**

Brad also found his own unique way to drink from the cats' drinking fountain:

He still drinks like that. Drives me crazy. It also makes the water dirty, but I guess the cats don't mind.

This picture is to show you Brad, but to also show you our old oven, the Ropermatic. I say old because we got a new one. I will post about it this week. It was going to be today, but someone forgot to charge her camera:

Look at that face. He looks like a little lion or tiger or other fierce animal:

That's our Lil' B. Now he has been in the house for two months and he is kicking ass and taking names. Those names are Chester and Mooch. For the most part, Brad rules the roost. It is hilarious.

At first we couldn't imagine another cat. Now we could not imagine Brad not being here stirring up trouble and purring in our laps. The perfect little cat family.

We must be nuts.

*I also call him B, Baby B, and Purrball.

**You have to check out this post about my nephew watching football. Too hilarious.

Crime Watch Wednesday: Some Like It Hot

This week's crime watch chronicles highlights our town's finest performing their duties for this town's dumbest:

Police were called for a possible LOS. (That's Left On Stove for all of you non-policemen out there). A woman on her way home from the bar called to say she thought she might have left the stove on and wanted the police to check it out. Despite the insanity of her request and despite the fact that HOURS had passed since she left the stove on, the police responded to the call. An officer was dispatched to the home. Upon an inspection through a window, and having seen (a) the house still standing, and (b) no smoke or flames, the officer CALLED the lady back and gave her the update.

You see, I don't believe this was part of the "Getting to Know Your Neighborhood" package we received when we first moved in. How was I supposed to know that you could contact the police to check to see if you left your stove on? Or that the police would kindly call you back while you are on your way back from the bar so you wouldn't have to fret and could concentrate on attempting to drive sober although you are really wasted. The police better hope we do not have a large closed head/traumatic brain injury population or they will never have a moment's peace. They are known for leaving stoves on left and right.*

Speaking of which, I could have used their assistance on more than one occasion recently, the police that is. If you will recall, the stove that came with our house is from 1952 - the Ropermatic. It is a gas stove with a gas leak. We only just recently replaced it. Safety first, people! Or, in our case, like fourteenth. Anyway, before replacing it, there was quite the procedure to ensure we were not being infused with noxious gas on a regular basis. First, the gas had to be turned off after every use. The routine would be turn gas on, light the burner (Yes you had to manually light it! Hello - it is 1952 in our kitchen! You also had to wear an apron and heels. B looked so cute). When you were done you were supposed to turn the gas off first so that you could see all the flame went out before you turned off the burner, thus making sure no extra gas escaped. Sound easy? Maybe it was, but really not the point. There has been more than one occasion in which I did not comply with said rules.

One day B came home and asked me to come downstairs. I was super excited thinking he had brought me a present. For being wonderful, you know.

B: Come down here.

Me: YAY! Presents {insert clapping}

B: What? Just come down here.

Me: Well, I don't like the tone your voice has taken.

Upon arriving downstairs:

B: Notice anything unusual around here?

Me: {looking around} Well, I don't see any presents, that's for sure!

B: Why would there be presents?

Me: The real question is why AREN'T there presents?

B: DO YOU SEE ANYTHING UNUSUAL AROUND HERE?????

Me: no.

B: Really? NOTHING?

Me: um, NO.

Apparently I was completely oblivious to the burner that was STILL BURNING on the stove. Flames and everything.** I told B it had only been on for 5 minutes, but really it was 15. I am sure B thinks it was 30.

Do you think the police would come if I called them from upstairs to see if the stove was on?

"The call is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE"***

*I may have a brain injury.

**Then there was the time I just left the gas on but turned off the burner. B accused me of trying to kill him. Good thing he doesn't smoke...

***Can you name that scary movie during this Halloween week?

****I write about fire a lot, don't I?

A Deal is Made and No One is The Wiser

No one was around when the stranger quietly approached me with an earnest look on her face:

Girl: Do you have any extra?

Me: I may have a few. How many do you need? One, two...?

I was hoping it wasn't more than that. I was very protective of my stash.

Girl: Just one.

Girl: I can't get my hands on any.

Me: What value do you have there?

Girl: Seventeen.

Me: I have just what you need.

Girl: Are you sure?

Me: Trust me.

With a slight flick of my wrist, a transfer was made. I commented about how it seemed so shady. We were whispering after all. She laughed heartily and said "I won't tell, if you don't."

I then steered my cart toward the bakeware while I pondered how many 20% off coupons I would need for my purchase.

How Do You Dispose of This?

This is the story of a girl who needed to use the disposal in her kitchen sink, but did not know how. Before you laugh at this girl and say silly things like "just flip the switch," listen to her story.

The girl decided to empty some food out of the fridge and down the disposal. She got the food, walked over to the sink and, luckily, before putting the food down the drain, decided to locate the switch for the disposal.

She looked to her left, where the switch should have been, no switch:

She looked up to the only other wall where a switch could have been, no switch:

She even looked at the disposal itself, no switch:

So she stopped looking. Instead, she threw the food in the garbage where it proceeded to stink up the place in no time and consulted her husband a/k/a B about this problem. B thought she was funny and went into the kitchen to show her how it is done.

B looked left:

B looked up:

B could not find the switch either. As is the case with all of the other problems in this old house, B knew that he could solve it. He WOULD fix this dilemma. He would solve the puzzle. There would be sink disposing in this house.

So B took to the internet. Over the next couple of weeks, B researched and read. He looked at the disposal. He researched and read. He took the disposal apart. He researched and read. He put the disposal back together again.

Sadly, B declared it a lost cause.

Even though B and the girl knew there HAD to be a way to turn on the disposal. They were stumped. They had stinky garbage. The girl was very sad.

Then one day B stumbled upon this item laying on top of the stove:

It looks like a very deep sink stopper, thought B. But they already had a sink stopper! Was this the answer to their dilemma? Could it be?

B took that item and put it in the sink:

...and much to his wondering eyes, the disposal turned on once the stopper was turned. It was magnetic. Like magic.

B was the hero. The girl was happy. Food was disposed of.

All was right in their world.

EDIT: The girl has been instructed by B to mention the fact that he suspected all along a magnet was involved. It is true, he did.

When There's Work to "B" Done...

A man needs his workspace. And as B has a future in tin making and a present in house renovation, he needed a good area for all of his tools and his ever growing blade collection. You see, without a proper tool area, B just kept buying more blades. Turns out he has quite the collection now. At last, though, he had all of those blades and his much more important tools all at his disposal and easily visualized. Let's take a look, shall we?

Remember THIS?

BEFORE

ALMOST...

AFTER!!!

Look at all of those tools! One can only imagine what can be done with all of those pliers. And wrenches. And paint. Yep, that is all I can identify from that picture. Oh and those hammers.

Let the "After" party continue...

You are probably wondering, what is that strange thing at the top of those shelves? Why that is B's very first TV. Yes, he kept it. Apparently it works. Well until June and the big digital cable switch. Then it will just be a TV on top of a shelf.

Huh.

Holy Mammaries!

Today I had the lucky opportunity to get my first ever mammogram. And when I say "lucky" I mean "forced-on-me-by-some-evil-doctor-that-thinks-he-is-doing-good-and-doesn't-he-know-those-don't-start-until-your-40". Having heard how they like to take your breast and squash it until you can eat it with some blueberry syrup, I was less than thrilled. I went anyway.

Boys, you may want to stop reading here.

You've been warned.

I arrived at my destination with the mindset that I would completely forget everything I had ever heard about mammograms and act like I know nothing. A blank slate of sorts (kind of like Echo for those of you that watch Dollhouse. FYI - if you like Joss Whedon, watch Dollhouse). While waiting in line to check in, I noticed that they had a "take a number" setup for those getting blood work. As a line started to form behind me, a guy says "are you here for blood work?" Ha! "No," I respond, "I am here for the pancake breakfast." Okay, no I didn't say that, but I should have.*  Those lucky dogs got numbers and were in and out before they called my name.

When my name was called I followed the nurse to the imaging room that had been painted some obnoxious pink color. Okay, I know pink is the color for breast cancer and also for girls, but really? The last thing I want to think about when I am getting a mammogram is breast cancer and I am well aware that I am a girl. Not to mention that the pink I am referring to was like a Pepto Bismol pink but with orange in it. Can you imagine? You might not want to try. In fact, I thought I might need some Pepto Bismol to help my stomach from just being in the room. Obviously, I did not know the fun was just beginning.

After changing into a pink (of course!) patterned smock thing which "opens in the front please" on top of my polka dotted work skirt and knee high boots - ROWR (just imagine if those blood work guys could have seen me then), I filled out a form, ON PINK PAPER. Overkill much? The tech asked me if I had heard awful stories about mammograms. Wait! There are AWFUL stories? WHY WAS I HERE???? I nonchalantly acted like I had heard absolutely nothing until she said "we are going to use compression which means..." at which point I interrupted her to assure her that I knew exactly what compression meant. I did not need to hear what was going to happen.

So the machine? A silver tray where the tech not so gently plops one of your girls on top and then molds it around until it does her bidding. The compression? A piece of plastic. Seriously, like a tray. Maybe I could get a drink to go on that tray? I was nervous as heck, sweating bullets and they wouldn't even let me apply deodorant today. Side note: I currently have a stick of deodorant in my purse as I was not about to go an entire day without deodorant. That would be a crime.

Back to the machine. The compression? It REALLY compresses. I did not look because I didn't think that was something I wanted to see but it was very uncomfortable. In fact, the tech said "some women find this uncomfortable." Some women? Let me guess those that don't find it uncomfortable HAVE NEVER HAD IT DONE. Oh and it was twice per girl - once from the top and once from the side. SHE COMPRESSED ME FROM THE SIDE. I may never be the same again. My girls are crying. Well they don't have tear ducts, but they are quite sad. My left one especially. During the second phase I actually said to the tech:

"Huh....just when I thought you couldn't possibly compress anymore, you go ahead and surprise me."

She did not really find that amusing. You know what I didn't find amusing? Having to check to see if I still had nipples.**

* This joke is very timely considering IHOP was giving away free pancakes today. No pancakes for me though, just for the girls.

**I do. Don't worry.

And Then It Went Down the Drain...

Our garbage disposal died yesterday. Not the one at the new house, the one at the old house. Of course. We are just about to move next week and we have a tenant moving into the condo. Of course something would break.  

I told B on Sunday that the disposal broke.  I was on Twitter at the time and complaining of a chalky smell that I contributed to my computer. Actually it was the disposal. I think the engine burned out or something.  B said it worked fine for him when he disposed of huge chunks of meat. Huh. Me thinks he broke it.

So on Monday night around 7 pm I point out that the sink is starting to back up as there is probably food down there that isn't making it down the drain.  I then go about my business. Such business involved, of course, surfing the internet.  Next thing I hear from him is "Yeah, right. The internet said this was a one step process. Liars!"  I find him under the kitchen sink taking apart the disposal.  I go back to my business.  Fifteen minutes later he is out the door to The Depot to get some parts.  I wonder how this is all going to end.

An hour later I realize he is not back but soon forget as I settle in for some Gossip Girl*.  Not even 18 minutes into the show, I was recruited, albeit reluctantly, to assist in the disposal replacement.  I know better than to argue.  Seems B forgot to get some plumbers putty and it is a NECESSARY ITEM when installing the new disposal you just bought. Yes he bought a new disposal to install. No he has never installed a disposal before.  Changing out of my pjs, putting on boots, and DVRing the rest of Gossip Girl, I go out to Ace to get some putty.  Not knowing how much we need, I go for the 5 lb size.  Anyone need any plumbers putty? Turns out we only really needed about 1/4 of a lb.  Who knew?

So rather than watch Gossip Girl, I installed a new disposal.  And by install, I mean I did the following:

• held the rim down on the sink so that the putty would stick
• supervised B's many attempts to screw the disposal in
• read the directions to B
• remarked at how close he was getting
• pondered what would happen if he were any taller - how would he be able to get under the sink at all?
• changed the battery to the big flashlight
• tried to charge the other battery
• got the battery stuck
• decided not to tell B about the battery
• handed B the flashlight
• refrained from talking into the flashlight like it is the principal's microphone from Grease like I normally do when holding that flashlight**
• ran water to see if the disposal leaked
• ran the disposal to see if it worked
• declared it another DIY victory, like the floor
• declared B very brave for attempting something new and scary
• told B about the flashlight battery

When all was said and done, we had a new disposal.  B triumphantly declared "two hours later! Not bad!" Meanwhile, having forgotten his entire trip to The Depot, I attempted to correct him by saying "it was only 45 minutes."  Obviously, I was only working on the time frame from when I stopped watching Gossip Girl.

There you have it:

New disposal - I don't know how much money so I will guess $50***

Time spent installing it - 2 hours

Money saved from having it professionally installed - $99

Total money saved - negative $ if B's time is worth anything over $50 an hour, not to mention my time

Family togetherness and DIY projects - priceless

If we can replace a disposal together, there is no stopping us at the new place.  More on those renovations tomorrow.

*How sexy was it when Chuck punched out Jack.  I swooned. I admit it.

**This flashlight seriously looks like that old fashioned principal microphone from Grease, where you press down the button to talk. Same shape and everything minus the button.  Whenever it is anywhere near me I walk around speaking to B through it in my "announcer voice." It never fails to make him laugh.

***Turns out it is really about $75. Not a bad guess.

Pictures First...Story Second

WARNING: PICTURE HEAVY POST ALERT!  And quite possibly, longest post of mine, which is saying a lot.

Yes, when I announced I had big news, it was about moving (thank you Andy for pointing out the obvious). However, we are not just moving, we actually bought a house. Our first house together. How sweet, right? Before I bore you with all of the sordid details of how this came about, I thought I would share the photos of the house as of the day it became ours. We plan on making changes, so in addition to giving you a feel for the home, many of these will act as before pictures as well. Enjoy.

In no particular order (God bless Blogger, it appears we are working through these backward), but with explanation:

Starting with the good stuff. This would be our super tiny dishwasher. Really...can you see how tiny it is? I think it will hold two dishes, two bowls and maybe four glasses. It will not hold the crockpot which you know is how I do much of my cooking.  So, pending a kitchen renovation which is LAST ON THE LIST*, I guess I will be hand washing dishes.  HAHAHHA I crack myself up.

This is the back of the house and is the bay window in the kitchen that you will apparently see further down:

This is our lovely screened in back porch.  As you can see, it is not screened in at all and has snow in it.  Good thing they kept that screen door on right? Or how about that lovely little "out hole" for their cat?  What, could he not jump out the huge gaping unscreened window area? Lazy animals.  We want to screen this back in and perhaps later insulate it and make it a more all weather type room.  Of course that is LAST ON THE LIST.  Oh, and I already have fond memories of this porch as B and I sat in the former porch swing, swinging and contemplating the house.  Bastards took that swing.

Isn't this a pretty picture?  This is our laundry room. Ugly and dirty.  B plans on painting it.  I plan on doing something to make it prettier and useful.  Kind of like my sister-in-law's but on a smaller scale.  Of course, that plan is LAST ON THE LIST.  Don't know if you can tell but we have two electrical boxes.  One can plug into a backup generator outside. The main one, apparently is big enough to provide electricity for our neighbor so says inspection guy. We won't be doing that. Sorry neighbor.

This is one end of our "partially finished" basement.  At first I thought those were built in bookcases (they are not). Then my Mom pointed out the two different floor patterns.  She suggested it was at one time a dry bar. I figured it to be a dance floor and started imitating dancing while putting your drink on the bookcase. No one was impressed.

This is the other end of the basement in all of its glory. Yes the ceilings are really low.  Yes they are that shiny. I don't know why either.  Many parties were had in this basement, I just know it.  Our plan is to make it into a game room or party/TV/game room.  Of course that is LAST ON THE LIST.

Okay, inexplicably we are on the second floor of the house and looking into my huge linen closet.  Upon closer inspection you will note that the top two shelves are smaller than the bottom shelves.  Then you will explain to me why that is.  I suppose that if they were all even, you would not be able to reach things in the way back of the top shelves, but I still can't without a stepladder, so it doesn't matter to me either way.** It just looks goofy.

Great! Now we are all the way up on the third floor a/k/a the future Dani's Big Room. As you can see this is totally unfinished, uninsulated, unheated and not fit for use. However, I dream big when I see this space. I see it as a future office/scrapbooking/contesting/blogging/internet surfing/napping room.  Right now it is rather hard getting up the stairs without bending over and almost falling down them, but that does not diminish my dream. Of course, that just makes it LAST ON THE LIST (sensing a pattern yet?).  This space is what sold me on the house.  Big dreams, I have.

From another angle:

Looking up the treacherous stairs. At the top you have to turn right to go up about three more and because it is so sloped you really have to bend down and there is no guardrail.

Back to the second floor a/k/a where all the bedrooms are.  This is the back smallest bedroom. Snazzy right? That door leads to a small balcony that the inspector advised us not to use during the summer months as it is made with tar and we could either (a) put our foot through it or (b) burn ourselves.  So fun!  Do you wonder why the lock to the door is way down low?  No, short people did not live here. We surmise it was so if some superhuman scaled our brick wall, got on to the balcony and decided to break the window to get in, they would not be able to reach the lock.  However, I am quite sure that they could just then enter through the broken window, but what do I know? That is going to be one of the first things to be replaced. Safety first!

This is the master bedroom and the least offending color scheme of all of the bedrooms.  Allegedly this will be my office, but that is still up in the air right now.

This is our shower. Can you even see how tiny it is? We could practically be showering in the dishwasher.  I stepped inside and thought (a) don't gain any weight and (b) never get pregnant or its just baths for you lady!

And maybe in that last shot you couldn't really see the tile or get the full effect. It is orange.  Really orangey peachy with that bad paint job. I think it will look better with some neutral paint.  And that toilet? Huge because it is original to the house. 1940s toilet means some power flushing. Watch out!

How scary is this bedroom? Or more importantly, the drapes? I swear those were not in there when we visited. This was the daughter's room. She had a complicated six letter name that I cannot remember but that started with an A.  Anyhow, this room is all kinds of scary right now.  And I would like to point out that per the purchase agreement, they were to leave us window treatments. Pretty sure we didn't mean THESE WINDOW TREATMENTS. Maybe we should have been more specific.  Meanwhile, I should have told them to leave that swing...

Or maybe this one is the most atrocious? It's a toss up.  What you can barely see to the left is the red shelves and behind the door? White shelves. A bright blue room with white stars, white shelves and, for some reason, one red one. Make sense? Didn't think so. This was their cats' room.  I kid you not. All that was in there was a cat bed and a scratching post thing. Our cats will not have their own room. Unless they want the basement. They can have that until it is renovated.

How pretty is this door? It is at the top of the stairs of the second floor where the bedrooms are.  You can kind of see the bathroom through the glass. What you cannot see is the other side which was painted white and which apparently they used to keep their dog from going downstairs a lot because he CHEWED HALF THE DOOR OFF.  Yep, this has to be replaced.  Good thing my uncle deals in antiques and gets old doors all of the time.

Finally, we are back on the first floor. Here is our living room,  No window treatments left in this room. Thanks. Just the area where all of the neighborhood can see in.  Yes, that is a real fireplace. And the windows are original to the house.

Hard to see but that is a small back room off of the living room which was used and will still be used as a TV room. I also call this B's room because the big TV with all of the games is going in there and you know how he likes to game.  Give him his laptop and I don't see him leaving this room ever.

Looking from the TV room into our kitchen at our refrigerator:

The kitchen.  Thank God they left us extra paint for those cabinets (country baby blue - is there such a thing?). Worst set up ever. That empty space used to be for a fridge, but now it is for nothing and there is a total lack of cabinet space and counter top space. Renovation needed but, say it with me, LAST ON THE LIST.  The floor is interesting because although it is wood, it is a different kind than the wood floor in the dining room, which you will see shortly.  And that stove to the right? From 1955. The oven is TINY.  But we are keeping it for now. It looks cool.  I will let you know how the baking comes out in it.

Another view:

The big bay window with seating in the kitchen (you saw the outside of this in the first picture).  The cats are so going to love this:

Stairs from first to second floor:

Glass door between living room and small foyer.  As you can see a pane is missing in lower right. This must have happened when they moved as it was there both times we saw the house. Again, thanks guys!

Foyer and front door:

And finally, last but not least, the dining room:

So that's the house folks.  It will be changing slowly, but surely.  And even though it sounds like everything is LAST ON THE LIST, we have a lot to do to keep us busy and I will be updating as we go along.  

It may sound as though I think this house is awful, but I assure you I do not. Luckily B and I were able to see past the color schemes and the owners' furniture and see what we could make it.  Together.

We can't wait.

*Everything big is LAST ON THE LIST due to the money factor.  However, it does get ridiculous when talking about plans to hear that said almost every single time.

**Yep, today at the store I had to have some guy get some iced tea for me that was in the back of the cooler. I am not that short, but I sure felt it. He didn't seem very happy to be helping.  Thanks anyway random tall dude.