It Appears You May Have Lost a Limb or Two...

You know the neighbor behind us, the long-grassed man? B is holding a bit of a grudge against him. It is not because he has long grass, or because he likes to journal his entire life,or sit outside and do teleconferences and teach classes from his computer, or because he used his grass as a storage unit for months on end. It is not even because he puts his composter right at our fence line.

It is his tree.

He has this old tree that is impinging on our property line and interfering with our ability to replace the fence. And we really want to replace the fence.

With a privacy fence.

Nevada loves the tree. It is a mulberry tree and all of these mulberries fall into our yard. Nevada eats them like she has never been fed.  B loves this.

The tree also has enormous branches that are hanging all over the wires. So B called the electric company, oh, about a few months ago. They finally got around to coming to deal with it this weekend.  I can say that the branches are no longer interfering with their lines.  I can't say they are not interfering with anything else. I also cannot give props to a job well done because, well, take a look yourself:

And then look a little closer:

That does not look at all ridiculous does it?  You will note that the majority of the tree is STILL hanging over into our yard. Nevada is relieved. More mulberries for her. YAY.  B just wants the tree gone. I just think this is the stupidest thing I have ever seen. Seriously, I am dumbfounded.

Look at that tree!

So, B's new plan is for me to charm the long-grassed man into removing the tree. Right...we all know how that worked with the neighbors and the air conditioning, right?

Just how high can a privacy fence go anyway?

 

Wordless Wednesday: Orange You Glad It Was Just a Storm?

Sundays are for Chardonnays and Tears, Sexism and Cheers (And Yes I Know It Is Monday)

B and I decided to have a nice quiet Sunday dinner at a local bar and grille.  Some of the  patrons had other plans like the couple next to us but at the bar who were drinking it up.  Roughly about the time we ordered our food, three small boys sizes large, medium and small (but not baby size) came bouncing in and went up to the couple demanding money and attention.  The "dad" suggested they go play from wherever they came.  The "mom"* suggested they go play at someone else's house.  The oldest a/k/a large size kid decided they were going to "go outside."  Mind you, outside was the street, but off they went.

Me: Run along kiddies, mommy and daddy need to get their drink on.

B: No kidding.

After my deceivingly super spicy sausage pasta came, I noticed while sucking down iced tea that one half of the couple was crying.**  Crying. In a bar. While drinking.  Biggest cliche ever.

Me: So if we are ever out in the future and I start crying into my Chardonnay, please just take me home.

B: I can only imagine how weepy you will be when you hit menopause.

Me: Ha! Weepy my ass! I am going to be BITCHY!

Me: Remember, you promised to love me.

Me: Sucka!

Do you know that women cried THREE more times? Do you know we were only there 20 minutes longer.  I kept saying things like "this is ridiculous!" and "COME ON!".  She may have heard me. Maybe I made her cry the second time?

We had to leave when I heard the other half of the couple say:

"You have all of that money and you are just sitting here in a bar crying."

EXACTLY dude! She is crying in a BAR! 

Wait! 

What was this about all of this money?

"No one with all of that money should be crying. Hell, if I had all of that money, I would sock half of it away."

Rich and crying publicly in a bar? Too much.  As I disgustedly stalked out of there, I heard her mumble something about "all the therapy I will need" and about her son not being a good baseball player. You mean the one in the street? Hell, he may not even be alive.

My Sunday was rejuvenated later that night with all of the excellent Sunday night programming!  As B said, there just isn't enough time to watch it all - True Blood, Hung, and Mad Men!

Now I know none of you are watching Hung, but what about Mad Men? Some of you must be watching. Well, exciting news peeps! I am now reviewing Mad Men for Daemon's TV too!  So read my review here.  And the review of this week's episode of Hung here.  I plan on making a page up at the top strictly for my reviews hopefully this week.  Stay tuned.

And, please, for the love of all things holy, try to keep your crying private especially when in public.

Three cheers for private tears!

*I am not convinced these two were married and I only heard the kids call the guy dad.


**I will give you one guess as to which one of the couple was crying,

I Can't Help That I Love My Husband More Than Joggers

Remember when I told you about that jogger wearing an iPod and how stupid she was when she almost ran in front of our car because she couldn't hear it? Well you know who heard me? Karma. So I almost hit a jogger without an iPod because I didn't see him despite the fact that my eyes were open and I was looking right at him.

My Mom had come over to visit and to see all that we had done around the house. She also came over to go to this HUGE neighborhood yard sale which turned out to be a HUGE fail. It also turned out to be one of the hottest days this year. Naturally.

So I decided to drive Mom around town and show her my local haunts. Kind of like this:

"And here is where the new Kroger will be, in that hole. That should be done in about 9 more months."

"That is our favorite Thai place"

"There's Starbucks"

"There's my bank...and there's MY HUSBAND."

"HI B!!!"

It was right about then that I started honking the horn and waving frantically as if I had never seen B before in my life. While that is happening, I am also turning into the parking lot to get to Starbucks. That is right about the time I look in my rear view mirror and see a jogger grimacing at me as he unwraps his body around the backside of my car.

And they say texting kills people. Apparently it is waving. Waving kills people. Write that down.

B drives over and I ask him if he saw that I almost hit that jogger. Yes, he did. Apparently he thought I was beeping at the jogger. Great. Poor jogger probably thought that too. Although, that does seem to imply that I actually SAW the jogger.

I will take that as a win.

It's All Full of Hilarity Until the Weather Interrupts Your Movie Watching Time

I saw this video about a week ago and thought it was absolutely hilarious. This woman called the TV station to complain about the weather guy interrupting the season finale of Criminal Minds to alert viewers of severe weather. After all, he could have just waited until a commercial, right?

Take a listen:

My favorite parts included:

"This is nowhere near ME"

to the ultimate:

"I really don't care about THOSE people"

That much is obvious.

And so I forwarded this video on and made fun of the video. I talked about how the lady was all "ME, ME, ME" and had no empathy for those that could be in the midst of a tornado or something. I thought I would NEVER be like this lady. After all, which is more important TV or life? Well, I thought I knew the answer.

Until last night.

There I was watching From Dusk Til Dawn for about the 17th billion time when it was interrupted with a LOUD beep and an old 80s looking computer font thing that said there was a severe weather warning for my county until 10 minutes from then. I listened carefully to make sure it was nowhere near me and got only mildly irritated when I realized it wasn't and that I was missing the sexy strip dance with Salma Hayek.

Then the second interruption came five minutes later to let me know that it had expanded to another county. Again, nowhere near me. Because it came so fast on the heels of the last one, I may have muttered "Really?"

Then the third interruption came five minutes later. This one brought news of a tornado funnel being seen. WAY far away from me, although I listened carefully to make sure it was not me. To this I said, "Okay..."

Let me tell you, though, after TWO more interruptions, both of which were identical to each other and, actually, identical to the very first one, I actually screamed "COME ONNN!!!"

Yes, I became that woman. I thought things like "Don't they know this is the GOOD part?" and "This weather is nowhere near me!" and "I should just go to flippin' bed if I am just staying up to hear a bunch of beeping!"

In my defense, I did not call the cable station and yell at them. I am intelligent enough to know how important severe weather alerts are to those in the area.

But, if it had been the series finale of Lost, I cannot say what I would have done...

Lil B's Version of a Window Seat Has a Whole New Meaning

Brad takes window seats to a whole new level. Yes, that is the shadow of my laptop in the window. We were scared if we went to get the camera, he would move. These photos are courtesy of Photo Booth which required us to stand in acrobatic poses in order to manage not to get our faces in there as well.

A perfect way to spend a hot, muggy June day. Lil' B is a genius!

Its a Zoo Out There!

A while back we went to the zoo with B's family. We go every year as part of my father-in-law's work outing. It is a lot of fun. There are bagels, apples, and juice. There are also free items such as squeeze toys, toothbrush, mouse pads and band aids. We all know how I need band aids.

Typically, however, it is either rainy, cold, or both when we go. This year did not disappoint. It rained. It POURED. We stayed anyway and even went around to look at the animals who were actually quite active in all of that rain.

Of course nothing ever goes as smooth as planned either. I was supposed to meet B at the zoo. When I arrived I realized my cell phone was dead. So dead I couldn't call or get messages. I couldn't even text. Have you ever tried to find someone in a torrential downpour? Almost near impossible. Good thing B has eagle eyes and spotted me. I would have spotted him first but he was decked out in heavy duty work clothes (smart guy).

In any event, here are some pictures that were taken on that wet, but fun, day!

This tiger was attempting to come over and kill us. I wish I were kidding:

You are probably thinking to yourself, "Wow! B is such a tolerant husband posing for such a goofy shot." Well, this was ALL B's idea. I think I am a tolerant wife, actually:

The people nearby were cracking up at B posing for that picture. I had a hard time not laughing myself.

Here we were in a tunnel under the polar bears. They were quite active that day too:

And everyone said "OOOHHH" and "AHHHH" and "WHOAAAA" when he stepped on the glass:

And everyone said "HE GOT A FISH" when he, well, got a fish:

And everyone said "How cute, he is sitting down eating his lunch." Bet the fish didn't think it was cute.

Lucas was the only one totally prepared for the day. However, he did not stay in there very long. I think he felt like a bubble boy or something:

Lucas and his Dad put their hands on the snow/ice to make hand prints. Lucas is such a brave boy. I don't even put my hands on there. However, we all know my hands are like ice this time of the year anyway:

And just like the home tour, there is B - WAY ahead of me. Always so busy with places to go:

Until next year where I will make B pose with the live tiger...

Take Me Out to the Ball Game...Listen to Me Complain

Well it is no wonder that B doesn't take me to the ball game* too often. First, as you know, I don't really follow sports. Second, I like to discuss what is going on around us, not necessarily what is happening in the game. Third, when I do decide to discuss what is going on in the game, I quickly become an "expert" much to the amusement and/or frustration of B. Here is a prime example:

[Scene: Baseball game around the 5th inning]

Me: Oh GREAT, Smith is up to bat? We are SCREWED.

B: Like you even know what you are talking about!

Me: Oh, I don't know? I DON'T KNOW?

Me: You know he is just going to hit it up and to the left like he does EVERY.SINGLE.TIME and then he will foul out, or whatever it is called, and then all of these men on all of the bases out there? WASTED.

Me: Yes, Smith, you will be WASTING ALL OF THOSE HITS!

Me: I mean, really. Look at his stats - they are AWFUL.

B: You don't know what you are talking about.

Me: Really? Why are his RBIs so low? Huh?

B: They are low.

Me: What are RBIs anyway?

B: {sigh}

*****

[Scene: Later in the same inning]

Me: Now THAT guy has GREAT stats.

B: HE IS ON THE OTHER TEAM.

Me: Huh.

Me: We are SCREWED.

You know what is fun though? When the guy in your row decides to walk down in front of you for the second time and then stop RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE and say "maybe I should have gone the other way" while doing some weird back and forth maneuver RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE that prompts your spouse to say "nice of him to wave his junk in your face" and you to say "thank God he is wearing pants" and thinking what you really wanted to say to the guy was "HEY, I think you left your penis on my face."

Finally, no baseball game is complete unless it is at or below 50 degrees. Seriously, the last three games we went to in different months? FREEZING. Here is photographic evidence:

Yes, I am wearing a sweatshirt AND a fleece AND gloves AND drinking a hot chocolate. You will also notice there is no one around me. That is because they were smart and stayed home and watched it on TV with their heat on.

I love sports.

*Or a football game. Or a basketball game. I am a bit better with hockey. A bit.

Then the Rabbit Stole My Sunshine!

Rabbits are cute right? You see one in your yard and you are all "oh look! We have a rabbit! It is so darling" and then you take pictures and marvel how wondrous mother nature is. I mean, look at that thing:

He looks just like a Cadbury chocolate rabbit. All cute and stuff. Don't be fooled. That rabbit is a mean son of a bitch. Look:

Pretty brutal, right? Even more brutal when he picked the ONE plant that I really, really loved. The one plant that B bought just for me and planted just for me. He surprised me one day and came home with the seeds. We have been watching it grow for months now:

Any ideas yet?

Getting warmer?

Why, yes, it is some sunshine coming my way:

And then it bloomed and it made me smile:

How could you not smile when looking at this sunshine?

Yet, today I woke up to this:

There was even a second flower! There was a huge storm last night and it knocked my sunshine over. However, I am convinced she would have stood tall, like her two counterparts if not for the evil rabbit.*

RIP Sunshine. I will miss you.

*We were blaming the squirrels too, but that is for another person. Mother nature is downright EVIL in these parts!

**PS - can someone tell me if ants are bad for sunflowers too? I have the Animal-Dont-Eat-This-Spray and wondered it I also needed the Ants-Get-the-F-Off-My-Flower-Spray too or if they are harmless, although annoying?