Since I've Been Gone...The Top 25

I was tagged by Jennifer from ramblingsofasuburbranmom.com to tell you 25 things you do not know about me.  However, since I have been gone for a while, I figured I would change it up and tell you 25 things that happened to me since January 1, 2012 a/k/a my last post. Shhh! I know.

Let's catch up. Shall we?

1. I went to Vegas for a conference for work. If you call drinking a giant Eiffel Tower drink and Bloody Mary's work, that is.
2. B rescued yet another dog. Even cuter than the last one. He also found it a home. More on that later.
3. My second nephew was born. His name is William. I like to call him Will.I.am.  You can check him out here.
4. B put up shelves in my home office. They are awesome. More on that later.
5. We got my childhood home from my parents and are now landlords. That is a bit weird.  
6. I revived my decades old carpal tunnel by playing a word game on my iPhone and iPad.  If you haven't played W.E.L.D.E.R., download it now, but watch out for your wrists!
7. I got an iPad! It was a Birthaversary gift. Combined birthday and anniversary = love.  iPad = carpal tunnel.
8. I spent too much time playing Words With Friends. Still do.
9. Our pack changed. More on that later.
10. I rewrote the entire plot and "twist" to the movie, The Cabin in the Woods, immediately after seeing it. Mine is much better. Sorry Joss Whedon.
11. Spent a 3 hour flight staring at the guy seated next to me wondering if he was going to puke on me. Also contemplated telling him to tilt his head back for his nosebleed. Neither happened. Worst.Flight.Ever.
12. Quit Twitter.
13. Became obsessed with Facebook.
14. Became obsessed with rescuing animals. Not literally because they have a tendency to run in the opposite direction from me and sometimes right into traffic.  The opposite of rescue actually.
15. Lost my dining room furniture when I casually remarked I would like a new set. Be careful what you say around B. That set was sold within a week.  
16. Figured out where to put all the stuff stored in our dining room set.
17. Had a milestone birthday. Won't tell you which one.
18. Attended the funeral of a girl I grew up with who had my same first name, was the same age, and was married just as long as me.  Creeped me out, honestly.
19. Got a call from a medical supply company about medical supplies I no longer need for a medical condition I never had.  We are going on year 6 or 7 now. Please.Make.It.Stop.
20. Learned that our "Beware of Dog" sign annoys our neighbor across the street.  You know what annoys me? Lawsuits.  Also? The neighbor across the street. Mrs. Busybody.
21. My brother did a drive by in his EMS rig complete with stopping and turning on the sirens in front of our house.  We were not home. My other neighbor was. She made sure to check with B to see if we were okay.
22. Ran into the Rap-CD-selling-courthouse-guy who hugged me. Still haven't bought a CD.
23. Refused to get caught up in the 50 Shades of Grey hype.  
24. Got a Keurig machine at work.  Discovered they make Kcups in my favorite Tazo tea. Got a Keurig machine at home.
25. Bought a super cool item for B's birthday. Forgot about it entirely until just now. There's always next year!

I am not tagging anyone even those are the rules. I am a rebel and a rule breaker. Watch out!



 

It Wouldn't Be A Vacation If There Wasn't A Dog to Save

We were getting ready for our family vacation at the cottage at the lake.  Jersey was looking forward to it as we all know she loves the lake. Nevada wasn't sure what a lake was, but if Jersey likes it, she was all in.

We were supposed to go at the Fourth of July, but I had a trial that did not settle until the last minute. One vacation ruined.  This was the last time before fall sets in that we, meaning Jersey (and possibly Nevada), could get some swimming in.  So I took Thursday off to do last minute things like laundry, fix my tire, sleep in.  We were set to leave at 3:30.

Then B called me at 9.  He found a dog.  He told me I needed to find a home for it because he was a very sweet, lovable dog that he refused to take to the shelter. Sound familiar? That is how we described Nevada.

Anyway, since Nevada, I have been trolling around rescue sites and knew very well that I would never surrender a dog to the local pound, as it would probably not make it out alive unless adopted.  So I started networking and networking.

B sent me this picture:

Aren't I a pretty boy? Or should it be handsome?

How could I not want to save that face?  He looked a bit like Jersey. Then there was this picture:

And a good boy!

What a sweetie! So I started putting those two pictures on Facebook everywhere. Even my friends were reposting it.

Then B sent this one:

And a silly boy!

Blurry, but look at that sideways tongue.  How about this one:

And a goofy boy!

Yes he is upside down on someone's foot.

Most no kill shelters and rescues were full.  One awesome rescue stepped up and tried to find a babysitter for at least the time we were gone if we would foster him when we got back. They offered to pay for food, vetting, and anything else we would need including training.  

The problem was finding a babysitter.

We called in reinforcements - my brother. You may remember him from staying with Nevada for a week right after we got her because we were going to Europe. Why do these things always happen at the most inopportune times?

B took the dog for a groom and then brought him home before taking him to the vet for a check up.  First, he was LARGE.  80 lbs it turns out.  Double the size of our dogs.  In fact, our immediate neighbor came out and exclaimed, "Your dog got BIG." Um, she had just seen Jersey the day before. Those are some fast acting steroids.

Second, he was just as sweet in person:

I just want to be petted.

I named him Davison after the street that he was found by. Then during the 40 minutes I spent with him outside which mainly consisted of him flopping down on the ground next to me, rolling over, and staring into my eyes as I scratched his ears and rubbed his belly, I named him Romeo.

We introduced him to Jersey and Nevada.  Nevada decided to show her affection in a naughty way. *Ahem* oral slut *Ahem*.  Romeo wasn't neutered and he thought he would repay her with some affection of his own. Then we separated them. However, he did not mind any dogs, big or small, or even our cats that he accidentally met.

Just as my brother was on his way over, we heard from a neighbor who read about Romeo on Facebook and offered to watch him. By the time she came over to meet him, the "watching" was turning into "perhaps keeping him."  Turns out they were looking for a friend for their dog and Romeo was the right age and size.  She left with him, but not before I took this picture:

And sit pretty.

I am happy to report that Romeo, now named Gus, did great that night in his new home. The neighbors took him to be neutered and it was determined that he had heartworms. They are paying for that treatment and the vet expects him to make a full recovery.

Davison/Romeo/Gus stole everyone's hearts and B and I were so happy he found a home. We checked on him via Facebook all weekend. He even stole my brother's heart who insists that Gus will "always be Jake" to him.

Happy Tails, Gus!  

*B affectionately called this my first rescue. I think our execution needs a little help. My parents are just glad we didn't decide to add him to our brood.

And Then My Entire Family Was Nearly Killed By a Possessed Chicken Bone

I let my family cook for me. I am very generous that way. Also, we all know how often I cook. Have you seen my cooking blog?

So I come home from my parents' house every week with various freezer containers full of the usuals - Mom's chicken noodle soup, Mom's potato soup, Mom's spaghetti. Occasionally I will get things from other family members too such as Dad's pea soup, Dad's chili, Dad's stew that I thought was spaghetti sauce because it wasn't labeled that turned out to be a wonderful surprise.  Then I also get my brother's take on things that typically includes chicken soup with too much dill. Although the last one he sent had a note taped to it that said "Less dill. More love." Awww. He's single, ladies.

The other day I went searching for something to eat when B disappointingly ignored my SOS text about dinner and ATE WITHOUT ME.  I grabbed a contained marked "Soup for Lonnie" and remembered my Mom sent me chicken soup she had made up for someone else that never got to pick it up. Then I defrosted it, warmed it and ate it.

Then I almost died.

Contained in the soup was a chicken bone. A large one actually, which is how I found it in my mouth.*  I removed it, threw it in the trash, and sent my Mom an email entitled "Were you trying to kill Lonnie?"  She responded by asking me if I was okay, going on to ask if the bone gave it extra flavor, and then blaming my brother. He's still single, ladies.

Fast forward two days later and as I am walking through the kitchen I notice something in Jersey's mouth, I make her give it to me and it is THAT DAMN CHICKEN BONE! What the heck? I KNOW I threw that thing out.  Another email to my mother insisting she was trying to kill my entire family resulted in this response:

Good grief! Is that chicken bone possessed? Put it in a plastic bag and bring it to my house so I can get rid of that devil!

I am not sure what good putting it in a plastic bag would have done. It just gives me visions of Jersey with a plastic bag with a chicken bone in it hanging out of her mouth. I am also not sure what a proper disposal is.  Kind of scared to ask, actually.

I decided not to pass on the possessed chicken bone to another house for the fear that everyone would soon find it in their mouths, or their dog's mouth, or their fish's mouth. Definitely not their chicken's mouths though, people. They are not cannibals!

Only one possession per family, please.

On a side note, after I sent my Mom this blog post about a staple in Jorge's dog's stomach, my Mom sent the me the following email:

See, you could have blogged and showed the chicken bone in Jersey's tummy and made her a star. But, no....you take it away from her and call ME an attempted murderess.

My family has its priorities you know.

*My Mom is a good cook and she never ever has bones in her soup. This was a freak accident.**

**Ditto my brother. Feel free to snap him up, ladies.

Twas The Fourth Day After Christmas and Still I Did Not Move

You would think that with 10 days off of work, I would have so much more time to blog, to be more productive.  Nope.  This is pretty much me:

Can you even spot me in that pile of blankets and dog? All I want to do is sleep, read other people's blogs and play Diner Dash on the new iPad. Yes, I have a new iPad. By "I", I mean "we". By "we" I mean B. He gives it to me occasionally to use. Never mind that the cats and dogs bought it for me and the tag even said "Mom."  Never mind that I screamed like a little girl when I opened it and smiled widely to the cheering crowd of my mother-in-law and sister-in-law.  We know who this really belongs to, I am just the occasional borrower.

Anyway, I thought maybe I could share highlights from the holidays and some pictures too.  

Before Christmas, we went on our annual holiday trip to eat dinner, walk fast and see Santa.  That trip ended when the glass blowers proudly proclaimed they were going to stick something in the glory hole. That proved too much for me and the family who all laughed like the 12 year olds B accused us of being right before he joined in.  The 7 year old standing nearby was not amused. Give him five or six years.

On Christmas Eve we all gathered at my sister-in-law's house for a family dinner.  We went back there the next morning.  We should have stayed the night except we had to bring Jersey who had so much fun, her tongue grew big:

My nephew got an Escalade from Santa and proceeded to drive off into the neighborhood in it. B took these awesome paparazzi shots from the back door.  They are seriously about a block or so away.  These photos were taken with the new camera that the dog and cats got B.  I wonder where these animals get their funds?

Then we were off to my family's house for Christmas dinner. We made my brother pose with Jersey in his arms again. I don't know why her head is so big:

For a comparison, this is them last year:

Then B decided to take pictures of our tree with the new camera:

And the house:

And the neighborhood:

And that is the end of this Christmas story. Except for the presents. There were some cool ones, including three new bobbles, but I want to do an updated bobble post one day so I will leave it until then.

How was your holidays?  Are you on vacation? If so, how the hell do you motivate yourself?

Signing off from the couch, 

If There Is Gambling, Sleeping and Buffeting at the End of the Road, I Will Only Slightly Whine Along the Journey

It has been a long couple of weeks since I last posted.  I actually find it hard to believe that the last thing I talked about was Thanksgiving and now it is almost Christmas. Time flies when you are busy and stressed.  So what have I been up to?

First, I had a trial. Not as long as my last one, only three days. However, those were a long three days full of lots of motions and arguing and lots of late nights preparing. Even the jury took their time, not rendering a verdict until 6:00 p.m.  Too bad their verdict was not in my favor.  Favorite part of the trial? When my opposing counsel showed up the second day and proudly exclaimed "See, I brought MY binder too.  It is empty."  (I always use a binder to keep all of my stuff organized. My opponents usually don't.)

But right before that three day trial? B and I had our second annual holiday party. Because that is exactly what you are supposed to do less than 48 hours before trial, host a party for 40 something people. You may not remember the first party because I barely talked about it. I do have some pictures from last year's event though:

Pre-party house:

Outside including tealight walkway bags:

My bro and B discussing the finer aspects of...a fish tank:

Almost party time and with a warm fire roaring:

You know where my photos from this holiday party are? Nowhere. They don't exist.  Just imagine the above photos with a different tree, lights instead of tealight bags on the walk, no fish tank and about 40 people milling about at any given time.

It was a blast.

My favorite part? Probably when the carbon monoxide detector went off and my brother thought it was the smoke alarm and started fanning it, and no one else seemed to care. I had to take that sucker outside and dismantle it all the way down to ripping out the batteries in order to make it stop blaring. 

That reminds me of the time that B decided to remove the faulty carbon monoxide detector and store it in a safe place. The garage. Wasn't I surprised when I started the car that next morning.  Good times.

Now after that long three day trial, B and I took a mini vacation to Vegas.  The city I like to call my second home. It had been just over a year since we last went and I loved it. I wished we had stayed a day longer, but I will take what I can get.  I slept a lot, ate good food and played video poker slots until I almost broke my back and went blind.

It was a blast.

Now I am back to the land of the cold and already preparing for my next trial in the beginning of January. When did I become a trial queen? The last one was my third in 9 months! How exhausting. This one will be longer because it is two trials in one. Or really back to back, but you get the point.  

I will try not to wait until after then to update though.  I have many pictures and stories to share with you.  

Happy Vegas Christmas!

It Wouldn't Be Thanksgiving Unless There Was a Roast

No, we didn't eat roast on Thanksgiving, but we sure had one.  As we finished eating, B started telling story after story. About ME.  Seriously.  One after the other. Non. Stop.

It started with the story about how I made mustard chicken once. That was followed by the time I cut my finger on a can of corn.  That segwayed to the time he did not believe I needed to go to the hospital, but oh yeah, my appendix needed to come out.  And my gallbladder.  Then he somehow started talking about the time I locked myself out of the house.  

It was starting to sound like a bad blog regurgitation/stand up comedy routine.  Except these people didn't know that I had a blog, so it sounded like a "let's make fun of Dani on this holiday upon which we give thanks."  

COME UP WITH YOUR OWN MATERIAL, B!

Just kidding.  In fact, sometimes I think B practically writes this blog, he just doesn't know it. In fact, he sparked the whole conversation my family had at the now annual Thanksgiving day breakfast. What would that be?

The zombie apocalypse of course.

B told me about his friend who is fully prepared for said apocalypse and even shared his extensive plan WITH HIS CHILDREN.

I decided this must be discussed at breakfast despite the fact that my brother and father do not share my love for zombies.  Can I tell you that zombies are now the great conversation equalizer? It is the truth. Bring it up and people will join in.  Just the other day I said to my coworkers "The zombie apocalypse is coming and I fear I am not prepared."  People immediately offered ideas and banded together against this purely fictionalized idea.  Zombies. Bringing people together while scaring the living shit out of them.

So what did my family accomplish during Thanksgiving breakfast?  Check this out:

• B would live on an island so the zombies wouldn't get to him.
• His friend thinks zombies could just walk under the water and get him.
• My dad says no one, even dead people, can walk under water without their heads being crushed from the pressure.
• My brother says crushing heads is an effective way to kill a zombie.
• I ponder why there are no zombie animals.
• B says because the zombies cannot catch them.
• My brother says it is due to noncommunicable transfer - kind of like dogs and cats not being able to have sex.
• My brother is smart.
• The zombies will want his brain first.
• Do zombies pick and choose brains or is it all just meat?
• Why do zombies eat brains anyway?
• Finally, my mom wants to know when we are going to start talking about vampires.

You should hear what we discuss on Christmas.

I Got Into a Fight With a Ram Once

Family meals are much more than heartwarming times with those you love. In our family, it is also fodder for stories, and those stories are fodder for my blog. I mean where else would you find someone who would just casually say "I got into a fight with a ram once" and have it followed by an actual story?  That would be my brother. 

This is his story.

I got into a fight with a ram once.  I went into his pen, then when I wasn't looking and had my back to him, he tried ramming me in the ass with his horns. So I just kept pushing his head back. Whenever I would let go of his head though, he would back up to charge me. Eventually I just got tired and jumped over the fence. The end.

So many questions:

1. Why were you in a pen with a ram?
2. Why did you turn your back to him?
3. What could be so important to make you leave an animal with horns facing your ass?
4. If you could just jump the fence to get free, why did you stay and try to push the ram back?
5. How long did the fight last?
6. Who really won?

Maybe my brother will be kind enough to answer these questions. Or maybe the mystery is what makes this story so intriguing.

*After I said I was going to put this on my blog, my brother declared that he and my father had just discussed how you cannot say anything around me anymore.  I then challenged them to tell me the last time I put anything they said on my blog.  They then made puppy eyes and indicated that they were devastated that I never talked about them.**

** Oh, but I do.

Slipping, Sliding and Spinning Our Way Into Christmas

Christmas has come and gone. It seems like it went by so fast after all of the planning. A lot of fun was had. For a short recap of Christmas Eve and a picture of B with a German candle thing, go here.

Christmas morning looked like this:

On the table are the gifts we had for each other and, in some cases, from the cats. Yes Brad loved me enough to get me the complete Sex and The City DVD Series and Chester and Mooch knew how much I wanted the first season of True Blood. Man, I love those cats!

You will also notice that Santa brought B his very own stocking. And it was even filled with stuff:

This pictures shows all of the gifts that we had to load into the truck to take to both our parents' house. And that is Brad making a special guest appearance:

Brad also wanted to participate in the gift opening, mainly by chewing on the paper. I wish I had a video camera for that:

B was very surprised and happy with my gift to him of a widescreen computer monitor. Maybe I should have stuck to his list and given him a big box of socks and underwear.*

At B's sister's house, we heard the story of the famous Zhu Zhu pets and how there are all of these warnings not to put them in your hair because it will get all tangled. B wanted to see what the allure was:

Over at my parents' house, they finally got to meet Jersey. My brother loved her:

And she loved him right back:

All of the gifts at my parents' house were set underneath the reindeer. The deer, as you can see, was taken from a carousel. How cool is that?

My Dad decorated the mantle with garland, lights and a nativity scene:

I love the glowy picture!

Other things that made Christmas eventful:

• On the way to our first stop, I was driving as B was holding Jersey, when the car next to us started hydroplaning because of the rain, spun around right in front of us across three lanes of traffic, hit the guardrail, went UP the guardrail, and luckily did not flip over. We pulled over and waited with them until EMS and their parents arrived. Luckily they were not hurt, but quite shocked and shaken. I was petrified because we came awfully close to hitting them. Thank God I didn't hit my brakes.
• We got my nephew a tricycle for Christmas and as soon as he opened he, he yelled "BIKE" and tried to ride it around. He toppled over twice.
• My nephew also flew off a sit and spin. Those things are dangerous!
• My nephew also got toppled by Jersey which he thought was fun until she tried to nip at him. Now he is not a fan.
• My nephew demonstrated his ability to slide down feet first and head first into his ball pit.
• Jersey was on her best behavior at my parents' house. Of course, that is because she spent the entire time in the kitchen waiting to be fed.
• I got lots of great presents, including Vicky.**
• We had a wonderful day with both of our families and our little ones.

Hope your Christmas was just as wonderful!

*He seriously put socks and underwear on his Christmas list. He also seriously thought the box was filled with socks and underwear. I had to stop him from throwing it around. A shattered monitor makes for a sad Dani.

**More on this wonderful lady later.

Step Two in Party Planning: Presentation is Everything!

This means the outside must look as good as the inside. Lucky for us, this was not a problem. You see, B has been dreaming of owning a home for so long for one main reason. No, not so we no longer had to share a wall with a noisy cougher that would also set things on fire randomly. No, not so we could finally get a dog, and not a brown one. No, not so we could have a lawn that B could cut. Not for a garage for my car. His main reason?

To put up Christmas lights.

Seriously. We would drive around the area we live in now at Christmas because they have the best lights and he would dream about putting up his own and would tell me how he would do it. I think he has always had an exact idea of what he would put up and where, of course, given whatever house we landed in. Then we landed here. Unfortunately, we didn't close until after the new year so no lights for us last year. This year, though? Lights, action and I've got the camera!

Actually this first shot was taken with B's camera. It is a bit blurry, but you get the picture. Ha! Get it? I am cheesy.

First, B put up the lights on the shrubs and on the tree. Then he put the icicle lights over the door and to be honest, I wasn't a fan. They are just so white compared to the other lights. B tells me that is BECAUSE THEY ARE ICICLES. I said it would probably look better when there were more. And it did. And it does. It will also probably look better with s-n-o-w, but I don't really want any of that. Since I spelled it out and didn't say it (type it?), we surely won't get any now.

Oh, and here is a brighter picture.

See that lit up room to the left? That is my office. I would venture a guess that I was up there at the exact moment this picture was being taking. Probably reading blogs. Probably not writing posts. I am horrible about that.

And, then, on the night of our party, B added the bagged candles a/k/a lit candles in a paper bag to light our guests' way. My brother, being the newest firefighter graduate, pondered "Lit candles in a PAPER bag? Is THAT a good idea?" We told him we felt confident knowing we had him around. And he did his job well.

Thanks for going out and re-lighting those candles every 20 minutes, bro! You will be happy to know that at the end of the night *ahem* morning, when everyone left, there were still three candles burning.

You will probably not be happy to note that B threw all of the candle holders and paper bags into our Christmas storage trunk without completely emptying the holders of water.

I know I wasn't.

I'm on Vacation Bitches!

I so wanted to scream that out when I left the office on Friday evening. Of course, since it was Friday evening (7 pm to be exact), there was no one else there. Kind of loses the whole effect, don't you think?

Regardless, it is true. We are leaving for vacation tomorrow and headed to Sin City. It is our go-to vacation. When B and I started dating we got into a routine as to vacations due to our work schedules. The routine involved a vacation in October/November and then another in February or March. If my memory serves me correctly, the first one was to Vegas. I wasn't so sure about that as a destination, but B talked me into it. Little did I know that inside me lives a secret slot jockey. B could barely tear me away.

So, naturally, when we decided against a big wedding and when we started thinking about destination weddings, it was Vegas. And so we got married there 2 1/2 years ago.

A picture of us in front of the Bellagio fountains:

You wouldn't know it from that picture, but we were crowded by about a million people. The only way we were able to get up to the banister was to promise two ladies we would take our picture and hustle out of there. In exchange, they decided to become the "wedding dress protectors" and screamed at everyone to STAY AWAY FROM HER DRESS. They showed so much enthusiasm that I didn't bother to tell them the bottom was completely trashed anyway. As a matter of fact, I still think there is a bug stuck to it. Well, at least its skeletal remains that is.

How about a GQ pose of us:

That was about the 150th picture my brother took. He was trying to get one with the fountains going off just right. Why? Because naturally we got engaged in front of those very fountains the November prior:

The above is what happens when you let complete strangers take your picture. I swear I did not add any effects. At least half of B's face is preserved for history.

So off we go back to our city, not as an engaged couple, not as a married couple, and not on a family trip.* Just the two of us - B the poker stud and, I, the slot jockey.

Miss me bitches!** I will miss you.

*That family trip was pretty awesome. Read all about it here.

**Or bastards if you prefer. For you non-swearers, it will be bunnies.***

***That is an inside joke I have with...myself. Yep, I need a vacation.

****My profile picture is also from my wedding. I am laughing in it because right before I had to leave the dressing room my phone went off telling me I had an appointment - to get married. I apparently set it while in Vegas in November when we picked the date and forgot about it.

*****Some posts will be posted throughout the week, all written in advance and probably completely random. They will not, however, have 5 sets of asterisks.