Crime Watch Wednesday: I Lost My Dog and My Man, But This Ain't No Country Song

It's been a while, hasn't it?  Over two weeks. I am tried of giving you the same refrain "I had a trial. It is tiring.  Litigating is hard." However, I will say this one was crazy because I basically had to try the same case twice, one week at a time, in front of a different jury each time.  And guess what? I won one and lost the other. Go figure. The best news? I think I am done with trials for a while.  Whew! It has been a long 10 months.

It is Wednesday which is typically Crime Watch Wednesdays around here. When I remember. This week I bring you a special Crime Watch Wednesday starring me, B and Jersey. We haven't made the Crime Watch Chronicles. Yet.

So it was the night before my trial. The first one. I decided to go to bed around 11 and B thought he would let Jersey out for one more bathroom break so she could go to bed with me.  As I am making the bed (yes sometimes I make the bed at night) I hear B yell out Jersey's name in that panicked you-better-get-back-here-right-now voice. The last time he yelled that out, she had run across two streets to go "play" with some dogs being walked by their owner. They were not fun dogs and she was soon cowering back.  Anyway, I ran over to the bedroom window to find B walking down the street with a flashlight. Not a good sign.

I did not even put on a coat, but just ran out in my pajama pants and sweatshirt. I could not see either of them. Having no idea what had happened, I decided I would go in the opposite direction that I saw B head, just in case Jersey was some super ninja dog that went left, fooled B, and then went right.  Just as I made it to the corner I heard B yelling Jersey's name again from the opposite end of the block.  I turned and started to make my way back there, all the time hearing B yelling her name.

At this point I am walking down the street with the following thoughts going through my head:

"I cannot believe we lost our dog the day before my trial."

"How am I going to sleep tonight?"

"How am I going to try a case tomorrow when I will be thinking my dog is lost and dead somewhere?"

"Why do we keep losing our flippin' animals?"

Just then, I see Jersey dart across the street and on to my same sidewalk.  I excitedly called her name and clapped and she came booking straight toward me just as I heard a car come down the street.  I prayed she would just come straight to me and thankfully she did.  I made her sit and called B's name a few times, but he had vanished.  So I walked Jersey home, locked her up inside and went back out yelling B's name.  Well trying to yell quietly. It was late at night after all.

Finally, I spotted him far away, got his attention and told him I had her.  As he got closer he said "did she have a rabbit in her mouth?" Um, no.  Apparently she took off after a rabbit before B could even say her name. When I heard him yell the second time when I was in the street she took off between some houses never to be seen again.  As we are discussing this two more cars drive down the street. Police.  Of course. Our yelling was not going to go unnoticed.

They did not stop.

You see two people out in the cold late at night, yelling, one wearing pajama pants and you just drive by.

Policing is hard work people.

Apparently so is pet ownership.

Could I ever do anything wrong?

Crime Watch Wednesday - You Can't Ring My Bell, Even If I Asked You To

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday brings us yet another tale of a suspicious man that turns out not to be all that suspicious after all.  It was just about this time last year that I brought you the story of the man who thought he was going to be murdered because someone had the audacity to ring his bell?  This one is even worse, folks.

A woman reported a suspicious looking man possibly attempting to break into her house around lunch time. She told police that he was knocking on her door and she was afraid that was the gateway action to actually breaking in. When police responded and demanded identification from the man, it turns out he was the woman's insurance agent and was there for an appointment that the woman had just made the day before. His story was confirmed with the woman. There is no indication as to whether she actually purchased insurance that day.

I know I was harsh on the first guy last year. Ignore your doorbell, no one is murdering you and so on. This woman?  She made an appointment THE DAY BEFORE.  Since she made the appointment, I can only assume she knew WHAT TIME HE WAS COMING. Therefore, she should have know the man KNOCKING ON HER DOOR was the guy SHE INVITED OVER.

Maybe I am asking for too much here?

Also, I have never had an insurance salesman even offer to come to my office let alone my house. I remember one time I had to sign some official paper crap (seriously not even necessary) and they wanted me to drive over an hour on my "lunch hour" to their office. Um, hi! I am your customer.  Could you perhaps do something to accomodate me?

Yep. Still bitter.

Crime Watch Wednesday - Pump Up the Jams, Turn Off the Cats

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday brings us the tale of someone who was fed up with being awoken at 5:30 a.m. every day, and we are not talking about B.

A woman contacted police at 5:30 a.m. to report loud music that she believed was coming from the newspaper delivery person's vehicle. Sure enough, the police responded in 15 seconds and found that it was indeed the newspaper guy's car. The suspect was very sorry.

Maybe the lady could have just asked the newspaper delivery person to turn down his radio? She was already up.  You know, lady, the police have better things to do than ask a guy who is rightfully regretful to turn down the tunes.

For example, perhaps the cops could take care of those crazy street cats that are always tearing it up around midnight while I am just falling asleep. You know the ones I thought were going to get Brad? I am pretty sure if I approached them, they would just claw my eyes out.

Or what about the two dogs behind us that bark for hours on end. That is fun at 7 am. On a Sunday.  THAT IS MY DAY OFF PEOPLE.

Or what about the three cats I have in my house that occasionally act like street cats downstairs while I am trying to sleep and although I have visions of things shattering all around the house, I am too tired to get up and yell down "KNOCK IT OFF!" which never works anyway.

Or the bad karaoke singers who decided to sing show tunes just as we were going to bed at 11:30 p.m. one night?  We had to shut our window on a nice balmy summer night.

What is my point? I will tell you.  The newspaper delivery man is on your block for maybe five minutes tops.  Street cats? They fight ALL NIGHT LONG. It's their gig. Grumpy dogs? HOURS.  Inside cats that think they are streetcats?  A good half hour or more.  Crazy karaoke singers? I don't know, I shut the window.

In the time it took you to make that call, you could have just thrown a pillow over your head and gone back to sleep.  Or I don't know gone to work, like the delivery guy who is trying to earn a living to support his family or his drug habit. Doesn't matter.

Your far more annoyed and less sleep fulfilled neighbor,

Crime Watch Wednesday - Where There's Fire, There's Toast?

source

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday proves the old adage "where there is smoke, there is fire" is totally wrong.

Police reported to the scene of a house fire to discover it was just a person that burned some toast.

I love the simplicity of this one.  The reader is left to wonder who called the police? Why did they call the police and not the fire department? Was there actually smoke or just the smell of something burning?  How did the police determine it was just toast? Did it involve breaking down doors?  I would like to believe it happened like this:

Dispatch: Officers get to 123 Lane Avenue STAT - the place is ON FIRE!

Police: We are not the fire department.

Dispatch: Don't argue with me! It is an EMERGENCY!!

Police: What are we supposed to do when we get there? Shoot the fire?

Dispatch: EMERGENCY!!!

{upon arriving at the scene}

Officer 1: I don't see a fire.

Officer 2: It smells like something is burning.

Officer 1: It smells like breakfast.

Officer 1: Mmmmm...breakfast.

{upon arriving at the front door}

Owner: Can I help you?

Officer 2: Something is burning.

Officer 1: We were told there is a fire.

Officer 2: It smells like something is burning.

Owner: Um, I burnt some toast?

Officer 1: Mmmmm....breakfast

I should totally be a movie writer. Or a sitcom writer.

True story - yesterday I got to the office and saw a huge amount of people milling around the front of the building and around the elevators. Double the amount of people you find standing there when the elevator is broke.  Somehow this only seemed mildly odd to me.  I heard rumblings of "false alarm." Then I ran into our receptionist who informed me the building had just been evacuated minutes before.  Why you ask? 

Someone burnt toast on the fifth floor.

It's an epidemic, people.  Lock up your bread!

Crime Watch Wenesday - It Probably Isn't Wise to Make Threats on the Phone to Companies that Tape Calls Regularly

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday is proof that it is probably not wise to threaten anyone over the phone.

A man phoned his insurance company and threatened to shoot the employees despite the fact that he did not know who they were and despite the fact that they were actually located in a different state. He was upset about his insurance being cancelled despite the fact that he had stopped paying for it. He threatened to shoot them twice and then followed up with a statement to the effect that they could call the CIA, the FBI or the "asshole in the White House" but he was going to blow someone away.

Whoa, whoa, whoa partner.  You have taken this a bit too far. "Call the CIA"? Like the CIA has a phone number where an insurance company can just dial in and say some lunatic insured is threatening to blow them up. That is not even CIA territory.  

As for the "asshole in the White House," you are going to have to be more specific. You could be talking about anyone from half the Senate, half the Congress or the guy that walks the President's dog. 

Really, though, what is the big deal? You got insurance and then you stopped paying for it and they canceled it. If you want it back PAY FOR IT.  If you don't, go about your business.  Imagine if someone came to your place of business and demanded something without paying for it.  Would you just give it to them if they threatened to shoot you? Or would that be a robbery?  Did you just threaten to rob your insurance company? You know they don't have a giant safe with cash like a bank, right?  That is only in the movies.

Speaking of movies, have you ever seen the movies where the main character's every move is being watched, the government listens in on his phone calls, and inevitably his entire identity is wiped out? I won't go so far to say that your identity will be wiped out dear sir, however, you should note that none of those characters actually threatened anyone. They were just minding their business.

You, on the other hand, have actually threatened people. Over the phone. At an insurance company. Where they routinely tape every call.  I am sure you probably gave them your full name and address too.

Who you gonna call now?

Crime Watch Wednesday - Special Mom Edition - You Play Cards, I'll Get the Cat

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday comes from my Mom's hood. This story shows that you can never really trust anyone, especially stangers that you invite to your house to play cards.

A woman reported that her very valuable and ugly hairless sphinx cat was stolen after she had friends over to play cards. She suspects the one person that she didn't really know but met through a mutual friend. Througout the night the man commented on how valuable her hairless furball was. Later when she and another group of friends were in another room, the man and the sphinx both went missing. She then called him but he denied taking the cat.

Well, this is a real stumper.  Does anyone else see this as a very special episode of Law & Order?  I mean, what could have happened.  We know the following:

1. The woman had people at her house.
2. One of these people were not like the others.
3. Stranger danger.
4. Said stranger liked her cat.
5. A lot.
6. Her cat was an extra special very expensive ugly as hell cat.
7. Said stranger somehow knew this.
8. Said stranger kept remarking about the value of ugly cat.
9. Woman leaves stranger alone with cat.
10. Cat goes missing.
11. Stranger goes missing.

I wonder what could have happened? Also, does anyone else wonder how she had the stranger's phone number?  Such a mystery. Of course he denied taking the cat. Why would he admit it? Those criminals! Such liars. 

One final thought - Do you think that if the police went to the stranger's house they would find a hairless cat in a wig and the stranger standing their shrugging like "What? That's not the same cat!"

Crime Watch Wednesday: Where There's Smoke...There's an Air Gun...and a Pipe...and...

This week's crime watch chronicles bring us the cautionary tale of being on your best behavior while driving around doing illegal things:

Two 16 year old boys were stopped for throwing smoke bombs out of a vehicle in full view of police. The officer smelled another kind of smoke in the vehicle and the boys were booked for possession of marijuana, drug paraphernalia, and a Airsoft gun.*

Only the youth. Really. If you are going to drive around smoking pot, carrying a pipe AND possessing marijuana cigarettes** as well as have an air gun in your possession, it is probably best NOT to send smoke signals to the cops to come get you.

Really.

*I don't even know what an Airsoft gun is but it doesn't sound very dangerous, does it?

**Who the hell calls them "marijuana cigarettes"?  JOINTS! They had JOINTS!

***Also who needs a pipe if they are rolling cigarettes? I am SO confused!

Crime Watch Wednesday - Don't Use Your Own Cellphone, GPS is a Bitch (Except Vicki - I Love Her)

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday is a special Mom edition. Apparently, there are wacky criminals in my Mom's hood as well and she was sweet enough to share her local paper with me. This incident serves as a warning to all would be criminals - make sure you don't use your own cell phone in the commission of a crime.

A man was arrested shortly after robbing a pizza delivery guy. The police were able to find the suspect so quickly because he used his own cell phone to order the pizza. Oh, and then they just tracked him directly to his house where he admitted he was guilty.

I bet the pizza wasn't even cold.

Seriously. He apparently had the good sense to not have the pizza delivered to his house, but didn't think twice about using his CELL PHONE, you know that thing that runs on towers with signals and tracking, to order the pizza? Sadly, the article did not give the exact details of the crime. Happily, I am willing to recreate it for you:

Criminal: Yeah, I'd like to order a small pizza. Just cheese.

Pizza place: That'll be $5.00. Would you like that delivered?

Criminal: Yep, bring it right away. Also, I need you to bring a lot of change. I only have a $50 bill...I mean a $100...I mean a $200 bill. Yeah, bring a lot of change.

Pizza place: Um, okay.

{An hour later even though it was supposed to be 30 minutes or less}

Pizza man: Here is your small cheese pizza.

Criminal: Gimme all your money sucka!

Criminal: I know you have at least $200

Pizza man: I have $20.

Criminal: Whatever sucka

{Five minutes later at criminal's residence}

Police: You are under arrest.

Criminal: How did you know it was me?

Police: We traced the number you used to order the pizza and you were here.

Criminal: You got me copper! I confess.

GPS* - leading people around the world and stopping criminals in their tracks. GPS rocks. Especially Vicky. Is she still listening?

*I don't even know if GPS is what is used to track a cellphone, but I bet it is. Vicky is too wise to not be used for such important functions as catching criminals.**

**Seriously, is she still listening?

Crime Watch Wednesday: Is it Really an OUIL if You Are Sleeping or if the Car is Not Moving?

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday brings us the tale of a sleepy drunk or drunk sleeper. You be the judge.

A man was spotted sleeping in his car, slumped behind the wheel in the early morning hours. The keys were not in the ignition, but in the console. The car was not running however, the front tire was blown out. The man reeked of alcohol and placed himself at a location approximately 100 miles from where he actually was. He refused all sobriety tests and was arrested for operating a vehicle under the influence.

OUIL, really? The vehicle wasn't moving. Heck, the keys were not even in the ignition. Maybe the guy never even drove the car. Are they solely relying on the fact that he said he was actually 100 miles from where he was? Maybe he walked, or stumbled, there. Maybe he parked his car 100 miles away*, stumbled back there drunk and decided to sleep it off. And now he is facing charges. What's a 100 miles to a drunk? I mean a SLEEPY person.

Is there no justice in this world??

Now THIS is operating under the influence:

No doubt about that one. Hi, Dukes of Hazzard** lady! Also? Rumor has it she tried to get BACK in the car and drive again. After she landed.

That's some scary stuff.

*Okay, now I am thinking of that Proclaimers song "I Would Walk 500 Miles." Maybe the songwriter was in a similar situation? Huh.

**I totally had to Google "Dukes of Hazzard" because spell check was telling me I spelled "Hazzard" wrong. Apparently spellcheck is not a fan of bad 70s TV shows. And by "bad", I mean "hella good."

***In other news, songs and lyrics seem to be a theme around here lately. That is totally unintentional. I cannot plan my day let alone an entire blog theme. Just so you know.

Crime Watch Wednesday - The Gift that Really Isn't a Present and Also Doesn't Require Police Intervention

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday illustrates that unwanted gifts can be a "crime" at least in the victim's eyes.

A resident called the police after her recently adopted dog brought a "gift" into her kitchen in the middle of the night. Suspecting the gift was a live mouse, she trapped it under a pan, and naturally called the police. The police responded quickly. Their investigation revealed that the mouse was actually a baby bunny. They then attempted to return the bunny near the area where they believe the dog picked it up.

And this is why I don't take the dog out to pee in the middle of the night. Also, I like my sleep. Seriously, though, I am a baby. If Jersey brought me a "gift" of a mouse I would F-REAK out! There would be screaming. There would be dancing around. More screaming. Some jumping. And then probably a silent scream. You know the one? Mouth wide open, bulging eyes, no sound. Yep. That sounds about right.

You know what WOULDN'T happen? I wouldn't call the police. Somehow it would never occur to me to call the police to deal with my rat.* Oh, I also have a husband so I would probably wake him. If I didn't have a husband, I would probably call my Dad (Hi Dad - LOVE you). Or just totally abandon my house. Hell, I have been known to abandon an entire floor of the house over a bug.

Really, though, I don't know what is worse - the fact that the woman called the police or that they called this an "investigation." What did they investigate? They looked at the "rat" and saw it was a "bunny." I hope they didn't have to take a lot of notes or interview a lot of people.

The best part though is the last part. They attempted to return the bunny to the spot they thought the dog got it from. Now how in the heck would they even begin to know that? Having my own recently adopted go, I am pretty sure if I tried to get Jersey to show me where she got a rabbit she would do one of three things (1) wag her tail while attempting to lick my face, (2) pee, (3) immediately lay down and go to sleep.

I think I'll just stay inside.

*See? I have already escalated it from a mouse to rat. I am so dramatic.

Crime Watch Wednesday: If You Don't Like That Document, I Have Some Others for You

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday brings us once again a tale of a drunk driver trying to pretend he is anything but drunk. I tell ya, I never can get enough of the drunk tales. Each so wasted. Each with such unique ways of showing it.

Police stopped a man they spotted weaving in the roadway. He smelled of alcohol and admitted to drinking. He then produced an expired registration. When told it was expired, he proceeded to look through all of his documents again and produced the same exact expired registration. He was arrested on the spot.

Now, what is really funny about this story to me is that I had the exact same thing happen to me in a deposition, except the deponent was not drunk. Well, at least I don't think she was. I asked her to produce a copy of the referral letter from the treating physician she received. She flipped through a bunch of papers and confidently handed me one. When I told her that was a copy of a prescription for medication, not a referral letter, she proceeded to again flip through the documents and, again, confidently hand me another one. This time it was a fax cover sheet. Addressed to the attorney sitting next to her.

This game went on for 15 minutes too long at which point she just stopped handing me documents, put the papers down and looked at me like "There. Aren't I a great witness, giving you everything you asked for." I never did get the referral letter.

She might be related to this guy.

Crime Watch Wednesday: It's Like Teaching a Cop a New Trick

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday illustrates the age old question - who is smarter, the cops or the thief?

You be the judge.

Police responded to a house alarm the other day. Upon arriving at the residence, they noticed the back door wide open. After assessing the situation they decided the house was secure, although they apparently used that term loosely. No one was in the home and nothing was taken. The police proceeded to lock the door and head back to their vehicle when they suddenly noticed the family dog reopening the door they had just locked!

Spot was taken into custody with his tail between his legs.

Can I say I just love the fact that the thief here is the family dog and that the dog is able to open a LOCKED door? Not just closed, but locked. You know what I don't love? That the police somehow thought a house with a wide open door was "secure." How is that even remotely secure? Heck, it wasn't even secure after it was locked as evidenced by the DOG opening the door.

I wonder if we could teach Jersey to open the door. That would be a bad thing, though.

Right?

Crime Watch Wednesday: Of Course it is Valuable, I Use it to Wipe my Ass!

...and we're back!*

Finally, the moment you have all been waiting for...another Crime Watch Wednesday edition. To ring this year in right, albeit three months, late, let me tell you the tale of a woman to whom money means nothing. Literally.

You see, our friend, had a wee bit too much to drink and decided to make her way out of the parking lot. The problem? She had to pay first. No problem for this gal. After all, she had a baby wipe.

Yes, she tried to pay her parking fee with a baby wipe.

The employee called her "confused." The police called her "drunk." I think the police were on to something considering she (1) backed her car into a parked vehicle, (2) didn't know her name, (3) couldn't speak, (4) stated she had several drugs at home that she needed to get rid of, (5) blew more than three times the legal limit for alcohol.

Oh, and she mistook a babywipe for money. A babywipe. You know what this means, right?

She has a child.

Also? She is borderline genius. Why genius? Because babywipes are thick like money and feel gritty too. Why borderline? Because they are WET.

In other news, I have elected to travel around with a large supply of Puffs with Lotion. Why, you ask? They are thicker than regular kleenex and when grouped together can look like a wad of cash. They are also very soothing. Allergies? Check. Parking fees? Check.

Genius.

*Users of Gmail should recognize this saying. It always pops up in the status/chat section. Even if you didn't know it was gone, it will remind you that it is back. Google is nice that way.

Crime Watch Wednesday: Ring My Bell at Your Own Risk

Remember the last time I posted a Crime Watch Wednesday? My OWN Crime Watch Wednesday that never made it into our crime watch chronicles despite how amazingly hilarious it was? Well, yes, I am still bitter. Why? Because instead of my awesome misdelivered package/horror story/the call is coming from ACROSS THE STREET debacle, the chronicles have just chosen something utterly stupid.

Now I know you are asking yourself - "Really? How could someone calling the cops over a misdelivered package with the recipeint's phone number on it NOT be the dumbest thing ever to call your town's cops about?" Well, readers, let me introduce you to the guy who doesn't know what a doorbell is for:

A local resident recently called the police after someone rang his doorbell. He told police that he was not expecting anyone and, thus, he found the ringing of his doorbell to be a huge breach of security. Apparently the alleged perp a/k/a person ringing the doorbell had not received the resident's security policy. The man was also disturbed because it was 6:00 pm and past his bedtime. Before calling the cops, the man was nice enough to send his son outside to see if there was a burglar or murderer out there. However, no one was seen. The police also attempted to locate the doorbell ringer with no luck.

Someone rang his doorbell. HIS DOORBELL. Why else would you have a doorbell? Hell, if you are expecting someone, then you could just open the door when they arrive with no need for a doorbell. DOORBELLS ARE FOR STRANGERS TO ALERT YOU THAT THEY ARE ON YOUR PORCH. Generally, they mean no harm to you. In fact, I would venture that someone that wanted to hurt you would probably not be so brazen as to ring your bell.

In other news, you are a terrific parent sending your son out there to explore what you feared. You are an even better citizen for sending our police out there to locate this dangerous perp. We can all sleep better tonight. And by tonight I mean at 11 pm. That is when it is really dark.

Dear unknown scared man: the next time someone rings your bell, ignore it. Or, if the noise scares you, disable it. That is what we did.* We have no idea who is on our porch and we like it that way.

In other news, who didn't think of this song when they read this post?

*Actually ours has never worked. Then again, we have never tried to fix it, have we?

Crime Watch Wednesday: The One Where I Am the Victim. Or the Perp?

Our Halloween night held more excitement than just passing out candy. While we were waiting for B's sister, brother-in-law and our nephew to come over for dinner and trick-or-treating, I noticed a police car pull around the corner, drive slowly up to the neighbor's house across the street and stop. Being ever mindful of B's constant need to know everything happening in the 'hood, I shouted out:

Me: The cops are at the old lady across the street's house!

B: What are they doing there?

Me: I don't know.

So I sat down on our couch in front of our big picture window and watched, trying to determine what was going on while petting Lil' B and giving the original B a blow-by-blow:

Me: She came to the door.

Me: She is letting him in.

Me: Only one cop.

Me: He is still in there.

Me: This is boring.

B joined me at the window and then we saw the neighbors next door to the old lady head over. B dropped to the floor like he was dodging bombs in Band of Brothers while exclaiming "Now they can only see YOU - the nosy one." Um, okay. Who wouldn't be nosy when there are cops at their neighbor's house? Also, B would be the first one to lecture me on why I did not find out what was going on when there were POLICE ON OUR STREET. This may have happened once or twice before.

The neighbors are only there for a few minutes before they walk back to their house. I conclude nothing is happening and this is really boring when my phone rings. Figuring it is my SIL, I head over there, pick it up to see "private number." The following conversation happens:

Me: Hello?

Voice: Is this Dani?

Me: Yes....

Voice: This is, um, Officer Somebody from, um, your town's, um, public safety department.

Voice: We, um, found a package belonging to you.

Voice: Um, if you tell me your address I will bring it over.

At this point in time I am thinking that it is my friend E playing a joke on me. He does that. Really, the guy sounded unsure of what he was saying and what he was saying was making absolutely no sense to me.

Me: If you have a package for me, wouldn't it say my address on it?*

Voice: Well, the thing is it is difficult to read your address.

Me: Where did you find this package?

Voice: One of our residents found it.

Ding! I swear a light bulb went off in my head.

Me: Are you at the resident's house right now? [said in a long drawn out horror movie kind of way]

Voice: Maybe?

Me: I AM RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET FROM YOU. I CAN SEE YOU RIGHT NOW.

Voice: Oh.

Me: I am coming over.

And so it came to be that my neighbor across the street had one of my packages delivered to her because the number for the address was one number off. Then she called the public safety department because she did not recognize my name and didn't know what the package contained.

And so I walked across the street, to be introduced to my neighbor whom I had never met before, gave the officer my complete name and birth date for HIS REPORT** and then carried my big box back home.

And so I heard the police officer tell another inquiring neighbor "Oh, nothing. Just a misdelivered box."

And how did the officer know where to find me to inquire about said box? MY PHONE NUMBER WAS WRITTEN RIGHT ON IT. Why my neighbor could not have just called me, I will never know. Also? Ten bucks says she forgets who I am by the time this happens again. This will surely happen again.

Victim or perp? You decide.

*You cannot dodge an attorney. We have a knack for stating and asking the obvious.

**Can you believe this did NOT show up in the town's crime watch chronicles? Now, techinically this wasn't a crime, but it is a little disheartening to read a story in the crime watch about a racoon stuck in the basement window that was freed with a dog catcher hook and released to the backyard shrubs and not this story. Come on! It could have a catchy title and everything:

Suspicious Package Forges New Friendship

A local resident found a unique way to meet her new neighbor. When a suspicious box arrived on her doorstep containing someone else's name but her address, the concerned woman called public safety. The responding officer, after confirming the box was harmless, called the phone number on the delivery sticker only to find that the phone was answered by someone right across the street! The neighbors were introduced and the box was returned to its rightful owner.

Crime Watch Wednesday: Why Steal Valuables When You Can Just Eat Turkey?

This week's crime watch chronicles comes courtesy of my Mom. Yep, I now have the whole family involved. Mom wants to point out that she has stupid criminals where she lives too. She is right. Take a gander:

A woman was the victim of a hungry thief. Upon arriving home to her apartment, the woman found that someone had entered her apartment and ate some turkey and cheese out of her refrigerator. There were no broken windows. The door was locked at the time. The woman stated that she had lost her keys in the utility room several weeks prior and never changed the locks.

Okay, let's review. You come home to find all the windows and doors locked. The ONLY thing missing is some turkey and some cheese from your fridge. Do you immediately think it was a criminal? Or do you blame your roommate? Perhaps wonder if you ate too much the night before? I am pretty sure that leaving unmarked keys in a utility room is not going to give enough information for the thief to know which apartment you live in. Also, if you lost your keys and did not have your locks changed, how are YOU getting into the apartment?

You know what I think? I think it was the maintenance people. It is always the maintenance people.** I, too, have a similar, but entirely different story related to this one.

One time I lived in this mid rise apartment where my garbage disposal always smelled like something died in it. I used lemons. I used soap. I used special garbage disposal cleaner. Nothing helped. Finally I told the manager she had to do something about it. I was promised something would be done.

One day after that, I came home to my locked apartment on the 12th floor to find my refrigerator unplugged, and a set of tools lying on my kitchen floor. Clearly, the maintenance man had been there and left, without his tools, and without plugging my fridge back in. Your guess is as good as mine as to why he unplugged it in the first place. Regardless, my food was no longer cold and I was steaming mad.

So I storm down to find the manager. The woman proceeds to tell me that there is a new manager that has taken over and gives me his apartment number. Immediately upon him opening the door I angrily wonder why the maintenance people left before completing their job and, more importantly, left all my food to spoil.

Manager: Are you sure it was maintenance?

Me: Am I sure it was maintenance?

Me: I CALLED for maintenance.

Me: There are TOOLS on my kitchen floor.

Me: Who the f*** do you think it was?

Manager: It could have been thieves.

Me: Thieves?

Me: It could have been THIEVES?

Me: What the f*** were they stealing????

Me: And why were they attempting to fix my garbage disposal???

Manager: We have had a bunch of thefts of fire extinguishers lately.

Me: Have you lost your ever loving mind???

Me: HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?

Me: These were not THIEVES.

Me: Tell you maintenance people they have until tomorrow to get their tools or they are mine.

Miraculously the tools were gone when I came home.

The thieves must have been listening.

* I just realized there is no first asterisk. You may now proceed to the second asterisk. Do not stop. Do not collect $200. However, if you have $200, please give it to me. I am in Vegas you know. I am broke.

**My apologies to maintenance people who are not thieves. That is probably almost all of you. You are easy to blame though. So are cleaning people who eat lunches. Except they don't. WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE LUNCH EATERS. Ahem.

***I have a foul mouth. This guy did not. He was scared of me. I liked it that way.

Crime Watch Wednesday: Some Like It Hot

This week's crime watch chronicles highlights our town's finest performing their duties for this town's dumbest:

Police were called for a possible LOS. (That's Left On Stove for all of you non-policemen out there). A woman on her way home from the bar called to say she thought she might have left the stove on and wanted the police to check it out. Despite the insanity of her request and despite the fact that HOURS had passed since she left the stove on, the police responded to the call. An officer was dispatched to the home. Upon an inspection through a window, and having seen (a) the house still standing, and (b) no smoke or flames, the officer CALLED the lady back and gave her the update.

You see, I don't believe this was part of the "Getting to Know Your Neighborhood" package we received when we first moved in. How was I supposed to know that you could contact the police to check to see if you left your stove on? Or that the police would kindly call you back while you are on your way back from the bar so you wouldn't have to fret and could concentrate on attempting to drive sober although you are really wasted. The police better hope we do not have a large closed head/traumatic brain injury population or they will never have a moment's peace. They are known for leaving stoves on left and right.*

Speaking of which, I could have used their assistance on more than one occasion recently, the police that is. If you will recall, the stove that came with our house is from 1952 - the Ropermatic. It is a gas stove with a gas leak. We only just recently replaced it. Safety first, people! Or, in our case, like fourteenth. Anyway, before replacing it, there was quite the procedure to ensure we were not being infused with noxious gas on a regular basis. First, the gas had to be turned off after every use. The routine would be turn gas on, light the burner (Yes you had to manually light it! Hello - it is 1952 in our kitchen! You also had to wear an apron and heels. B looked so cute). When you were done you were supposed to turn the gas off first so that you could see all the flame went out before you turned off the burner, thus making sure no extra gas escaped. Sound easy? Maybe it was, but really not the point. There has been more than one occasion in which I did not comply with said rules.

One day B came home and asked me to come downstairs. I was super excited thinking he had brought me a present. For being wonderful, you know.

B: Come down here.

Me: YAY! Presents {insert clapping}

B: What? Just come down here.

Me: Well, I don't like the tone your voice has taken.

Upon arriving downstairs:

B: Notice anything unusual around here?

Me: {looking around} Well, I don't see any presents, that's for sure!

B: Why would there be presents?

Me: The real question is why AREN'T there presents?

B: DO YOU SEE ANYTHING UNUSUAL AROUND HERE?????

Me: no.

B: Really? NOTHING?

Me: um, NO.

Apparently I was completely oblivious to the burner that was STILL BURNING on the stove. Flames and everything.** I told B it had only been on for 5 minutes, but really it was 15. I am sure B thinks it was 30.

Do you think the police would come if I called them from upstairs to see if the stove was on?

"The call is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE"***

*I may have a brain injury.

**Then there was the time I just left the gas on but turned off the burner. B accused me of trying to kill him. Good thing he doesn't smoke...

***Can you name that scary movie during this Halloween week?

****I write about fire a lot, don't I?

Crime Watch Wednesday: Take a Bite Out of This!

This week's crime watch chronicles bring us the tale of the utility worker who couldn't run fast enough:

A utility worker was bitten by a large dog while performing his job. The worker was approached by the dog in the driveway of a home. When the dog didn't like the worker's reason for being there, he bit him. The owner of the house, home at the time, refused to respond to the worker's screams for help. Luckily a nearby neighbor came to the rescue with peroxide and a bandage. Sadly, the neighbor did not have a rabies kit nearby. When questioned by the police, the homeowner claimed that it was not his dog and he did not believe the dog had actually bit the man and the dog was on a leash at the time. The police witnessed two puncture wounds on the worker. The police also noted that the dog was on a very long leash that allowed the dog to walk down the driveway and approach those in the neighborhood. Charges are pending against the dog for assault and battery and against the homeowner for being a bad neighbor.

Hmm...maybe I made that last part up? The point is, your dog, or the dog you were watching, BIT someone. The dog punctured the man's skin while roaming on its very long leash down the driveway. The least you could do is offer some assistance to the man. I know you are afraid of being sued, but pretending it didn't happen isn't going to make it go away.

When I was a young teen we had a crazy dog aptly named Bandit*. This dog was NUTS. She would climb, not jump, but CLIMB our chain link fence to get out and run the neighborhood. Her favorite things to do? Chase cars. And not just like in the cartoons. She would chase a car, get IN FRONT OF IT, make it stop and try to bite its bumper. I cannot tell you how many times in my life I spent chasing that dog. In a car. That's right. She would only come back to you if you drove by, she chased you, stopped you, you opened your door and then she jumped in happy as a clam.** Despite her insanity, she loved everyone (except the Rottweilers across the street and small kittens or puppies) and never bit anyone.

Until she bit someone, that is.

At that time Bandit was older and couldn't really jump or climb the fence. She really didn't have the energy to chase cars either. Thus, she was able to spend more time in the backyard without our fearing we would need to grab our car keys at any minute. There was a young boy next door that would pet her and talk to her and she would lick him. One day, we decided to put Bandit on a leash in the front yard while we were on the porch. Like the owner above, it was rather a long leash but it did not extend past our front grass. At the time, I was on the porch. The young boy from next door ran past Bandit and screamed a little "you can't catch me" song and Bandit caught him. And bit him. She was old and cranky.

Now, unlike the guy above, I did not deny what happened. I jumped up, made sure the boy was okay (he had a scratch and no puncture wounds), went and got his mom and explained what happened and apologized. All was well. We did not get sued, Bandit's leash got shorter, and our neighbors still liked us.

Lesson: Apologies, peroxide and a bandage go a long way.

Denial fools no one but yourself.***

*When my Dad first told me we were getting a dog, I wanted to name her Scruffles. I was 13. Too old to have thought that shit was cute. Lucky for Bandit, she looked like a bandit. Lucky for me too as I cannot imagine running through the neighborhood yelling SCRUFFLES.

**This was not good because Bandit would get into anyone's car that opened their door. One day I was chasing her and someone tried to take her. Sometimes I wonder if I should have just let them. They had no clue what they were getting into. RIP Bandit.

***I am so deep and profound. I also sound like a fortune cookie. One of those bad ones that tell you proverbs but not your FORTUNE. Grrr.

Crime Watch Wednesday: Fanning the Flame of Friendship

This week's Crime Watch Chronicles brings us the story of a friendship gone bad and a crime that didn't quite take:

A former friend was found to be a suspect in an attempted arson. A woman came home to find a small puddle of liquid, thought to be lighter fluid, and a burned cigarette under the front tire of her vehicle. Around that same time the woman received a text message from her former friend, who had been harassing her and threatening her for weeks, that read:

"I tried to light on fire ur shit"

Yes, yes you did. You tried to light on fire the woman's shit. But you didn't. You know what else you did? You ADMITTED TO A CRIME. And you did so via a poorly worded text message. That is traceable to your phone number. Apparently, also the phone number used to harass and threaten this same woman for weeks. Now the police are asking for any additional information, but the truth is? They have all of the information they need. They have:

• your name
• your phone number
• your CONFESSION

You didn't start the fire, babe, but you are still going to get burned.

Case closed.

On a side note, who the hell attempts to start a fire, fails, and then announces the ridiculous attempt to their enemy. That would be like firing an arrow at a person while standing behind a tree and then after missing jumping out and yelling "I tried to shoot this arrow through your heart."

No shit, but you didn't.

Crime Watch Wednesday: Man's Got Balls!

This week's Crime Watch Chronicles brings us a story of something we all wish we could do...send projectile objects in our neighbors' direction:

A woman reported that her neighbor was hitting golf balls in the middle of the afternoon. Unfortunately for the woman's father, the neighbor was not on the golf course, but in his backyard at the time. The woman reported that one of the balls nearly hit her father in the head. Despite her best efforts, she was unable to reach a resolution with said neighbor. Police discovered a golf net in the suspect's backyard facing the woman's house as well as some golf balls in her yard. The suspect would only admit to one ball having gone into the woman's yard. Probably the one that nearly brained her father.

That guy has balls. I kid. No, really. Not only does he send flying objects directly into his neighbor's yard, but he also aims right for it. Yes, he had a "net", but the net was facing her house. And it couldn't have been a very good net, seeing as how many balls made it into her backyard. Then there's the whole hitting-the-ball-when-someone-is-in-the-yard thing. I am sure that was "accidental."

This story has given me many great ideas. Or at least one. B has golf clubs. B has balls.* We have a neighbor that won't cut his grass. We have neighbors that didn't want to let us get air.** I can hit a ball with a club. However, I cannot guarantee in which direction it will go.

At this time, I would like to apologize in advance to the hip young couple that lives across the street (who invited us to game night last weekend, which we didn't attend because B was working and I was doing something better***) for the golf ball through the window. It was really intended for the guy behind us.

Fore!

*Golf balls, people. GOLF BALLS.

**We got air anyway. It is so quiet, they cannot hear it. They now LOVE us and think we are geniuses. I am still bitter.

***Something better was falling asleep in front of the TV. Good times!