Since I've Been Gone...The Top 25

I was tagged by Jennifer from ramblingsofasuburbranmom.com to tell you 25 things you do not know about me.  However, since I have been gone for a while, I figured I would change it up and tell you 25 things that happened to me since January 1, 2012 a/k/a my last post. Shhh! I know.

Let's catch up. Shall we?

1. I went to Vegas for a conference for work. If you call drinking a giant Eiffel Tower drink and Bloody Mary's work, that is.
2. B rescued yet another dog. Even cuter than the last one. He also found it a home. More on that later.
3. My second nephew was born. His name is William. I like to call him Will.I.am.  You can check him out here.
4. B put up shelves in my home office. They are awesome. More on that later.
5. We got my childhood home from my parents and are now landlords. That is a bit weird.  
6. I revived my decades old carpal tunnel by playing a word game on my iPhone and iPad.  If you haven't played W.E.L.D.E.R., download it now, but watch out for your wrists!
7. I got an iPad! It was a Birthaversary gift. Combined birthday and anniversary = love.  iPad = carpal tunnel.
8. I spent too much time playing Words With Friends. Still do.
9. Our pack changed. More on that later.
10. I rewrote the entire plot and "twist" to the movie, The Cabin in the Woods, immediately after seeing it. Mine is much better. Sorry Joss Whedon.
11. Spent a 3 hour flight staring at the guy seated next to me wondering if he was going to puke on me. Also contemplated telling him to tilt his head back for his nosebleed. Neither happened. Worst.Flight.Ever.
12. Quit Twitter.
13. Became obsessed with Facebook.
14. Became obsessed with rescuing animals. Not literally because they have a tendency to run in the opposite direction from me and sometimes right into traffic.  The opposite of rescue actually.
15. Lost my dining room furniture when I casually remarked I would like a new set. Be careful what you say around B. That set was sold within a week.  
16. Figured out where to put all the stuff stored in our dining room set.
17. Had a milestone birthday. Won't tell you which one.
18. Attended the funeral of a girl I grew up with who had my same first name, was the same age, and was married just as long as me.  Creeped me out, honestly.
19. Got a call from a medical supply company about medical supplies I no longer need for a medical condition I never had.  We are going on year 6 or 7 now. Please.Make.It.Stop.
20. Learned that our "Beware of Dog" sign annoys our neighbor across the street.  You know what annoys me? Lawsuits.  Also? The neighbor across the street. Mrs. Busybody.
21. My brother did a drive by in his EMS rig complete with stopping and turning on the sirens in front of our house.  We were not home. My other neighbor was. She made sure to check with B to see if we were okay.
22. Ran into the Rap-CD-selling-courthouse-guy who hugged me. Still haven't bought a CD.
23. Refused to get caught up in the 50 Shades of Grey hype.  
24. Got a Keurig machine at work.  Discovered they make Kcups in my favorite Tazo tea. Got a Keurig machine at home.
25. Bought a super cool item for B's birthday. Forgot about it entirely until just now. There's always next year!

I am not tagging anyone even those are the rules. I am a rebel and a rule breaker. Watch out!



 

Ramblings of a Riddler...Tough Guy, Fights and an Exotic New Vegetable

I saw a guy walking two dogs and holding their leashes out in a way that suggests he was walking two huge and powerful dogs. The way you see tough guys walk pitbulls. He was walking two golden retrievers. Two fat ones. In fact, they weren't really even walking, but strolling.  Represent dude.

***

Overheard my elderly neighbor asking his wife "is lunchtime critical?" because he still had yard work to do. Meanwhile, I have no idea when B eats lunch, what he eats or if he even eats.

***

I got into a fight with a pop can today. Guess who won?  Maybe B was on to something when he tied the bag containing the pop cans closed. Unfortunately, I don't think even he could have predicted that I would untie the bag, decide to carry it on my shoulder, and then throw it over my shoulder only to land on the ground. Nor could I have predicted that just as I thought "why aren't these cans exploding" and reached down to corral them, one would explode and spray all over me. Luckily I was just back from court and not going to court.

***

Today was car accident day. I saw two. The first one I was actually a responder to and let the guy sit in my car until EMS arrived. Everyone else just drove around him. The second involved a motorcyclist that I am eternally grateful I was not the first responder to, although it looked like he was alive when I passed. Similarly, my brother stumbled on to an accident and stopped to help and then passed two more.  Heat melts driver's brains. That's a fact.

***

I decided that they came out with a new vegetable when I wasn't looking. Broccoli. You are probably thinking that already exists. It does. However I pronounced in a way that sounded like Brach olie.  As if it were ravioli or something. Everyone laughed at me all day. I now realize it was spelled wrong - Brocolli.  Joke's on them. Yep, it is still broccoli.  Weird thing is, we were talking about peppers. Go figure.

***

Poka to You, Poka to My Sanity

The building where I work houses a variety of different ethnic groups and we constantly hear a billion languages being spoken at once. This is particularly true on the floor my office is on as there is another business there that is quite large and employs a good number of people.  We will hear them in the hall on their quick 5 minute breaks speaking Chinese, Spanish, Russian and some other ones I probably could not identify.

So when I was in the bathroom yesterday, I was not surprised to hear two women speaking to each other in Russian.  However, I did not expect a voice from the stall next to me to demand from her stall that they entertain her by providing Russian words:

Russian ladies: {speaking Russian I do not understand}
Stall lady:  Say "Goodbye" in Russian!
Russian ladies: {more Russian}
Stall lady: SAY "GOODBYE" IN RUSSIAN
Russian ladies: Poka
Stall lady:  GOODBYE, say it in Russian
Russian ladies: POKA
Stall lady: What?
Russian Ladies: POKA
Stall lady: Huh?
Russian Ladies: It is easy, poka, P-O-K-A
Stall lady; Poka?
Russian Ladies: Yes
Stall lady: Well then POKA
Russian Ladies: Poka to you

Poka indeed.  I am pretty sure their next word the said as going out the door was Russian for fool.*

*That's "durak" people. Spelled phonetically of course.
**The More you Know...

I Am a Slacker, but I Have This Fun Video for You and I Shred Beef

So while you wait for a wonderful new post from me, enjoy the following video. You should know that I could have given you any number of actual cast of the Jersey Shore doing some form of crazy antics, but since it is Valentine's Day and I love each and every one of you, I instead give you something that will hopefully not cause you to vomit.

Here is a guy watching The Jersey Shore with his Grandma who actually lived at the Jersey Shore. You will thank me for this:

EMBED-New Jersey Grandma Disgusted by Jersey Shore - Watch more free videos

You are welcome.

In other news, I love B so much, I cooked him dinner for Valentine's Day* and highlighted on my other blog. Check it out.

Happy Valentine's Day peeps!

*Actually, it was purely coincidental that I chose today to actually muster up some motivation to cook, although I really do love B.

**B also loves me and proved it with a gold card (i.e. Starbucks gift card). Here I latte!

It's the Little Things that Lead to the Big Things that Lead to Everything a/k/a How the Little Things Made Our 2009

It is funny how a year goes by so quickly even though so much happens. Sometimes, when I haven't seen someone in a while, the person may ask me to catch them up and tell them what has happened over the past year. I almost always draw a blank. Maybe I will remember the big things: we got our first house, our third cat, our first dog. We had our first grown up party, our first Halloween, our first block party (which I still haven't written about). But the little things like our first fire in the fireplace? Those things are often forgotten.

So in my year in review post, I am going to concentrate on the small things. The things I would have forgotten if not for this blog. I hope you enjoy taking the walk down memory lane with me.

January

B noticed that I was wearing glasses every day - after 6 months! Meanwhile, I remembered I inadvertently lied to a woman at an eyeglass store about being married and had to use my brother as a fake husband. P.S. I am still wearing glasses every day and now B thinks I look strange without them.

I told B I planned on getting a dog that was big enough to ride away on. Instead, we got Jersey. The only thing that can ride her at this point is Brad.

My Dad foiled a robbery without meaning to or immediately realizing it. That takes talent.

February

We "met" our backyard neighbor who would later become known as the longgrassed man. For this we are grateful as he has provided endless hours of entertainment. P.S. B still doesn't have blinds in that room.

I had my girls smashed for the first time in the name of science. Or preventative medicine. Or the doctor's personal S&M fetish. You decide.

March

I made an effort to cook more often. If, by effort, one means texting her husband to pick up all of the ingredients.

The post that gets me the most search hits EVER was born. Thank you dear spammer because some of those people have actually stayed.

B had the greatest birthday ever, thanks to me. Who doesn't want a birthday present scavenger hunt?

April

B experienced a car wreck that sounded like a scene out of a movie right down to the one liners "And to think...I was just singing a song..."

We decided that we were better off not being superheros since B wanted to be evil and I wanted to be good. Probably a good thing only one of us was radioactive.

May

I was ousted as a riddler by some cheater at Potbellys. And Google rules the world.

My gallbladder was removed which would be my second ectomy in the last couple of years. No "ectomy" is not a word but you know what it means - appendectomy, gallbladderectomy. Well, really there is a different word for that last one but what do you want? I am no doctor.

June

I realized I was living in the movie Footloose when the local paper revealed someone called the cops on a dancing man. But it was raining after all.

B spent many hours making the perfect lamp for my Dad for Father's Day. Who doesn't want something you can read by and also use for grease fires? Multitasking is always a good thing.

July

My parents found an extra special surprise when pulling into their neighborhood one day. Cartoon graffiti took on a whole new meaning.

Crime Watch Wednesday was born with a post about a tragic tandem bicycle accident. Well, actually it wasn't tragic at all as the cyclists just went about their way. That is, unless you count the fact that a driver managed to not see a tandem bicycle. He obviously doesn't wear his glasses every day.

August

B grew pumpkins the size of REALLY BIG pumpkins. He later brought the pumpkins home where we used the cats as props to show their size. We will put those cats next to anything. It is the price they pay for a roof over their head and way too much food to eat apparently.

B found the perfect plant to put in our garden for me until the evil rabbit stole it. Luckily many more grew to take its place and the sun was back in my world.

September

I learned that the legal world and the zombie world are very much alike. In fact, some days I have trouble telling them apart. Also, judges watch movies. It is almost like they are human.

Special guest, Virginia, stopped by to answer some unanswered questions about past posts, including what happened to the plant the evil rabbit ate. Virginia also declared Chester the prettiest cat around. He is still wearing his tiara.

October

Our favorite breakfast place underwent renovations which resulted in unintentional hilarity. I still scrutinize that place. We still go there every week. They have great food and great waitresses and now feature spellcheck.

B decided that Mooch was probably not the best bed partner. Mooch just grinned evilly and snidely remarked "payback's a bitch."

November

I debated whether beef had a smell. I won.

My true psychic ability revealed itself. Unfortunately the only plus side was that I realized I would be able to tell 8 hours in advance when my questions about Janet Jackson would be answered. Baby steps.

December

Became hooked on the most god awful excuse for reality TV on the air. Thanks B! Also, was a psychic foreshadowing of the puppy. Who knew such trash could be connected to something so wonderful?

I spent the holiday season cursing like a sailor while my Mom serenaded me.

This was quite the year! I cannot wait to see what 2010 has in store for us.

Stay tuned...

Today's Public Announcement: The Murse

Gentlemen: just because your recyclable tote is from Pets R Us and just because it is a tote does not make it any less of a murse when you use it as such and carry it on your shoulder like one.

Man up and get a briefcase!

*I don't know if there is any such place called Pets R Us, but there probably is somewhere.

**I totally chose this cartoon of a businessman with a jetpack so that B would read this and say "SEE! We all should be wearing jet packs by NOW" and then stew about it for a few minutes.

Driving Miss Debi - an Ode to my Mama

Every Saturday I have a date with my Mom. Well sometimes it is Sundays. Then there are the weeks it doesn't happen. But you get the point. Although our dates tend to be routine, we always have a good time. The routine is breakfast and shopping. We have been going to the same breakfast place for YEARS.* They don't know our names but they know our orders. All 8 waitresses. The shopping is usually grocery shopping, but sometimes we get wild and go to Target. Then, of course, there is the garage/yard saleing. Is that even a word?

The other thing that is routine about our time together is that it is always a blast. We are constantly giggling, making jokes and having a good time. Here are just a few examples:

-One time I made my Mom pick up two bottles on the side of the road just so we could get the cap for a contest. And by "made" her, I merely suggested it and she was opening the door and reaching for them. Yep, we're a team.

-One time we went around and took pictures of every bank's sign in the neighborhood as B had told me the day before that I could not name more than 5 banks in the area. After receiving multiple texts with pictures, B declared the game "already over" and that he had already won. My mom and I laughed for 20 minutes straight.

Then there are the insane conversations and observations like last week when we had this exchange:

After we got into the car, I said "oh" and immediately burst out laughing and continued to laugh until tears streamed down my face. My mom could not figure out what was so funny, but she started laughing too and then I finally whispered:

Me: I just looked at that guy and wondered why he was carrying his ventriloquist dummy.

Mom: What?

Me: Don't worry, it was just his girlfriend.

Mom: WHAT?

Mom: He was carrying his girlfriend?

Me: No. He had his arm around her.

Mom: Oh. Yep. That is funny.

Who else would get what I was talking about? Maybe someone that followed that conversation with this one:

Mom: I hate when the skin behind my eye itches.

Me: BEHIND your eye?

Mom: You know what I mean.

Me: That reminds me, I know a guy with a little hand.

And then the laughing started all over again...

Mom is also fun on road trips. Recently we went on a road trip to visit some relatives. More on THAT later. Seriously, who else will model the biggest most god-awful sunglasses for you while you snap photos in the middle of a crowded store? Mom, of course.

The last two are my favorites. I love that little smirk. If you are thinking, man these photos are blurry. You are right! I was just laughing too hard for a steady hand.

One last convo:

Mom: I don't think there is a sign preventing you from turning right on red here.

Me: No, but I am thinking all of the traffic coming at us doing 50 might be a problem.

So, while I am quite late on this, as I am with all my posts, I would like to wish my Mom, Debi, a belated Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday Mom! Now let's go eat cake.

Or take some pictures of them for Cake Wrecks.

*We found a new place and it is bigger and brighter and cheaper. And they already know my Mom's order. Loyalty shmoyalty. We outta there former breakfast place!

Only Time Will Tell Unless It's Fake

B, upon arriving home from work at 10:40 am one Saturday, asked:

B: What time did you get up today?

Me: I don't know. Maybe a mere half hour ago.

B: A half hour ago, huh. Are you sure?

Me: Yes, because the fake clock* said 10:20 a.m.

B: Ah ha! So you really got up 20 minutes ago!

Me: Um, no. A half hour ago. Just because the fake clock is ten minutes off, it doesn't mean that time moves any different.

B: [silence]

Me: Are you following me?

B: No.

Me: When the fake clock says 10:50 right now, it is really 10:40. So when I got up at 10:20 fake clock time, it was really 10:10 - a half hour ago.

B: Fake clock schmake clock.

...and B for the win! Really, how can you argue with a rhyme involving made up words?

*fake clock refers to our bedroom alarm clock that we set 10 minutes fast. Really, it is fake time not a fake clock.

Get Lost Crazy Purple Pants!!

Before I had my gallbladder surgery, B and I decided to head over to our new restaurant find, this small Mexican dive a couple blocks away. Like most of my friends, we love to find some good authentic yummy Mexican food. Before this find, we would have had to travel miles downtown or miles uptown to get something great. No more. The Mexican place, combined with the Thai place we found, is quickly making this neighborhood the BEST PLACE TO LIVE EVER. Now if we could only find a quality Chinese place...

I digress.

So we headed to the restaurant about an hour before they were going to close and much to my delight, the place was deserted. So I dreamt of chips and salsa and peace and quiet. The waitress, the same waitress as always, brought us HOT chips and noted to the bus boy that she was going to break down in tears any minute while watching the latest Extreme Makeover. All was good.

And in came purple pants.

Purple pants thought he was something else. Obviously from the snootier* side of town, I imagine he considered his travels into this place "slumming." The waitress told him and his wife/girlfriend to sit anywhere they wanted. So they sat in the booth immediately behind us.

Of course they did.

And then the crazy ensued:

CPP to lady friend: Do you think they have a liquor license?

CPP to bus boy: Do you have a liquor license?

Bus boy: No.

CPP: OHHHH NOOOO....we just came here for margaritas and chips.

Bus boy: Well, I can get you the chips.

CPP: No. I really want a margarita.

CPP: We already ate. I just want a margarita.

[pause]

CPP: Do you have a take out menu?

Waitress: It is the same as the real menu

CPP: I cannot believe you don't have margaritas. We were driving by and saw the sign and thought "let's get a margarita."

(Note: Saying it/requesting it/demanding it will not make the liquor license they do NOT have suddenly go into effect)

CPP: Okay, well I guess we will come back when we are less....thirsty.

Exit crazy purple pants and his girl stage center.

I have never been so happy that a place could not sell liquor in my life because if I had to listen to that man drone/bray in my ear for five minutes longer, I was going to need a margarita.

Oh, and B says he was wearing a denim jacket too.

Perfect.

*Is snootier a word? If not, it should be.

Wonder Twin Powers...Activate!

The other day I had a medical test performed that involved being injected with radioactive materials. The whole testing procedure is better left for another post. Rather, let me tell you what happens when your spouse finds out that you may be radioactive:

B: I didn't know you had radioactive materials still inside you! Why did you let me KISS you?

Me: Don't you want my radioactivity? Then you can be a superhero too.

B: I would like your superhero abilities.

Me: Well, I am not sure what they are unless they consist of being able to sleep for a REALLY long time, because I have that ability down.

B: Hmmmm...just so you know, I plan on using MY superhero powers for evil.

Me: Really? 'Cause I plan on using mine for good so how is that going to work if we are arch nemesis*?

B: [silent]

Me: That may be the end of our marriage.

*Does anyone know the plural for this word? When I say it, I say arch nemesisesis which clearly isn't right. Is there even a plural? Can you have more than one arch nemesis? Are the others just rivals? I am SO not superhero material.

Can I Interest You in a Rhyme Instead?

Well even though I ponder life and this is called Riddle Me This, I am officially no good at riddles. See my prior post as evidence. So in response to these search queries I offer you either sage advice and wisdom or a fun rhyme:

riddle - she likes road not streets

I am not sure what the difference is between a road and a street. Maybe one is dirt and one is paved? She likes dirt but not tar? I offer you this rhyme instead:

She likes roads

But not streets

She is dirty

And not neat

Who likes dirt

When they can have tar?

Dirt takes you nowhere

Streets take you far.

can you see what I see not riddles

No. I cannot see what you see and it appears you do not want riddles. Would you like a rhyme?

Can you see what I see?

Can you hear what I hear?

Oops. That is actually a Christmas carol. Next.

something nobody wants but when someone has it does not want to lose it riddle

This sounds like a true riddle. Thus, I am quite incapable of solving it let alone writing it. If you find the answer, please come back and tell us. In the meantime, I offer you this rhyme:

That which nobody desires

Is often that which somebody has

And that which often lights your fires

Is often that which you get last

Not a true rhyme, but deal with it. I am taking artistic license here. I am also using the word “artistic” REALLY loosely.

riddles about why the cats is such gossip

This is new. But I must say, now that I think about it, those cats ARE such gossip. I am constantly walking in to find the cats huddled together looking at me all wide eyed like they had been caught. I used to think they were interrupted mid sweet loving, but now I know I just interrupted their gossip. And don’t even get me started about those glances they throw each other across the room. You may not speak cats, but you gossip like no others!

And I cannot rhyme with the word gossip. How about tales?

Why do cats tell such tall tales?

Why do cats gossip so?

Is it because my cats are males

That they gossip to and fro

What are they talking about them cats?

Food and napping, bugs and gnats?

How much fun can it be

To gossip without ever speaking

Ha! A switcheroo at the end, no rhyme. So artistic I am.

you can fill me but I never lie riddles

Um, okay, this sounds kind of like a torture device. Maybe a water torture device such as “you can fill me up with as much water as you want and prevent me from using the bathroom, but I will never lie.” Now why anyone would want to do that is beyond me. And why anyone would want to force you to lie is beyond me. If you won’t lie, can’t they just find the next person to lie? This one has me baffled. Huh. Maybe it is a riddle after all.

cats such gossip+riddles

Okay, I thought it was a little much that my cats may gossip, but tell riddles? That might be pushing it. Although they do look at me strangely and snicker sometimes. That is a riddle unto itself

who am I riddles for a fax machine

This one is my favorite. Who would want to write a riddle about a fax machine? Are they really that mysterious? Are they even that fun to talk about? Are they even used anymore? Here’s the riddle – why aren’t you PDFing and/or emailing your documents? Think about that for a while. Save a tree.

fake curse word riddles

The riddle here is why would you use fake curse words when the real ones are so much fun? I do like me some fake words though, so here are some fake curse words for you. Feel free to use them in a riddle:

Dangnabbit

Motherfuddrucker (fun blog alert: )

Frickin’

Frackin’

Effin’

Flippin’

Fark

Fork

Knife (just seeing if you are paying attention, the rest are perfectly acceptable)

riddle three three seven boxes move

Hmmm..337 boxes and how do you move them? With a VERY big truck. Or you could put the three boxes and the three boxes into the seven boxes, but then you would just say six boxes in seven boxes.

I’m lost. Just hire a mover.

christmas riddle game peppermint stick

Have yet to hear about this fun sounding Christmas game. What DO you do with that peppermint stick. Is it like hiding the pickle in the tree? Probably smells a lot better. Let me see if I can come up with a rhyme:

In this very merry season

The kids all shout with glee

For it is time and without reason

To hid peppermint inside the tree

Not gum, or candy, or chew

But a stick that is long and yummy

Hide one for me and one for you

Race to finish in the tummy

That sounded a bit obscene. Next.

guys at the bar sweeping laughing riddle*

The true riddle here? Why are guys in a bar sweeping laughing? They should be crying. Unless they have been drinking a LOT. Then I wouldn’t really trust their sweeping. Or maybe they are just happy they have a job? Let’s try a rhyme:

It’s closing time, the doors are shut

Now we can be silly and act like a nut

Although we must clean

And sweep through and through

We can still have fun

In all that we do

Pick up your broom and get to sweeping

So we can laugh to prevent from weeping

Google on people. Google on.

Say What?!?

It is always entertaining to me to look at the search terms for the people that stumble upon my blog. I thought it would be even more entertaining to answer the search terms as if they were questions posed to me:

Old becomes new quotes

I will take a stab at this:

“What’s old becomes new again”

Profound, right? Hope that helped.

"3 envelope pot roast"

Good stuff.

what is three jacks in can you see what i see

I give. What does the question even mean? Three jacks in the can? Three jacks you can see? Do you have a deck of cards? Are you missing a jack? Can you see three? Query solved.

If you are talking about jackasses. There are more than three in this world and they will definitely make their presence known. Sadly, I cannot see what you see, but if you provide me with a picture that would help.

mugs that say who's your santa

I always thought there was only one Santa, but you have proven me wrong by asking that question. Perhaps we can take out an ad or a missing person’s report to find out who exactly our Santa is. Does everyone have their own Santa? Because that would be a lot of Santas flying around and a heck of a lot of reindeer and reindeer poop. This is truly a riddle.

mickey rourke gold tooth

Yes, I believe Mickey Rourke does have a gold tooth. At first I was perplexed as to why he had one, but then I took a second glance at his outfit and it all began making sense. You may want to google “mickey rourke fashion” and that will explain it for you.

"mark wahlberg is short"

Yes he is. That is a fact. It sounds like both you and I, however, were caught off guard as to how short he actually is. I still love him though. You should too.

ponytail gone

This usually happens when you remove the ponytail holder. Do not panic. Wrap your hair with a ponytail holder again and voila your ponytail will be back! It is like magic…but the exact opposite.

new glasses "strong"

I can see from your visit that you know I had this problem. I imagine that most people have this problem with new glasses especially if your prescription changed or if, like me, you decide “prescription mescription” (that’s a technical term), and just go all wild and free without changing your prescription for 6 years. Talk about strong!

"my glasses" thick or blind

I hope if you are wearing glasses, you are not blind because really, what’s the point? Now, if you feel blind when taking off your thick glasses, you are not alone. I can only see things within three inches of my face. Aside from the cats, there is nothing usually that close to my face at all times.

P.S. If your glasses are still thick, look into getting those new superthin lenses. You may still be blind but people will make fun of you less. Unless you are married to my husband. Then you should google “polygamy” while I google “divorce” because there ain’t no Big Love happening around here.

i was blind without my glasses

So was I. Aren’t glasses magical little devices?

judgical indiscretion

I think you meant “judicial indiscretion” because, sadly, there is no such word as judgical. Yes, I made it up. Yes it sounds official. Maybe if more people catch on we can make it word. Want to start a revolution? Or a judgicaloution?

shots pinch needles

Shots pinch and they involve needles. If you feel a pinch but don’t see a needle, you have just been pinched. Probably with fingers. If you get a shot and it doesn’t pinch, you are a tough guy or all the nerves in your arm are dead.

And that, folks, was just the batch that did not involve the word "riddle." Those searches will be addressed on a different day.

Google on!

I'm Back and I LOVE the Super Bowl

Not having the internet? Enough to drive someone insane I tell you.  But it doesn't matter because now we are up and running.  We moved all of our stuff Thursday (and Friday, and Saturday, but more on that later) and with it went our cable.  Between trying to move stuff in, cleaning and getting to work, my blogging time got hacked.  So sad.  Hopefully, there will be no more outages and regular posts will resume tomorrow.  That is, if I can find my camera cord. What a mess!

Meanwhile, you may already know this, but yesterday was the Super Bowl.  In times past I thought the Super Bowl was awesome because I:

1. Had a giant party (although technically it was the week AFTER the Super Bowl - but we are girls, what did we know?)

2. Went to giant parties

3. Went to the bar to drink

4. Watched it while eating chicken with my folks and got some boobage (thanks Janet!)

5. Watched it for the awesome commercials

Now? Not so much. Honestly I did not think the commercials yesterday were even up to par.  So with the move, my lackluster feelings and my general nonchalance of sports in general, it should come as no surprise that I entered the office Super Bowl squares.  And at the time I got my two squares, I didn't even know who was playing despite the fact on one side was my friend's good college friend actually playing and, on the other side, was my other friend's most favorite team in the world.   Still, last night I went in clueless.  And this is what I witnessed:

~This office setup in the new house is currently crazy as I am practically sitting on top of my TV. I am sure to go blind now.

~Jennifer Hudson looked nervous and very sad, but did a wonderful job singing. Now I hear she lip-synched. Still a good performance.

~Football looks great in HD even if you aren't really watching it.

~I have no idea who scored what when or how

~Bruce Springsteen was a natural half time performer and why didn't they think of the king of American rock before this day? Instead we get boobage (thanks Janet!)

~The commercials sucked.

~Around the third quarter I noticed the score of 20 - 7 and thought for some reason those numbers sounded familiar.

~Then I watched Big Love (can't miss Big Love!)

~Turned Super Bowl back on as B and I were trying to wrangle a big stuffed chair into the office for me to watch TV (two hours after I had been watching it) instead of the uncomfortable desk chair

~B told me the Steelers won

I remarked how I may have won the football squares, which B "highly doubted."  I then lamented not copying the squares.

Today I woke up, ate some breakfast and decided to clean out my purse since I had been carrying almost everything I owned in it during the move.  What did I find? The squares. I see that one of my squares is 7 and 0 and think "those numbers sound familiar."

Yep, I won.  Without trying, without effort, without thought, and apparently without knowing. Kind of burned people up at the office when they found out.

I love the Super Bowl.

My Momma Raps

Well not literally, but apparently she likes rap? Who knew? Not I. 

You see, I am the holder of all iTunes in my family. I was the first to embrace this wonderful technology and then, later, convinced my Mom to get on board. We both got iPods and I downloaded music for her and put it on her iPod, got her a docking system and she was off and running. And even though I downloaded iTunes on to her computer, I always download the music at my house and then just update her iPod. It is easier that way, especially with her current computer woes (p.s. anyone a Vista whiz out there? Seriously...). Because I am the downloader, I have my Mom tell me what songs she wants and, in turn, she shares the iTunes gift cards that she wins with me (which are a lot). Mom has rather good taste in music. We share a similar liking for many songs and artists, with the exception of some of her country music. You would be surprised how hip and current my Mom is. Apparently, as I found out, maybe TOO hip and current.

One day when I was over at my Mom's house my brother informed me that I need to download the SWEENG* song for my Mom. I had no idea what he was talking about and he could provide no further detail for me other than that one word, pronounced like that. He said he really got Mom into that song and that she would sing and dance, or maybe just laugh. I cannot remember. I listened, processed and forgot because I really had no idea what song he was talking about. 

Until today.

You see, I am kind of a satellite radio snob ever since it came installed in my car. I only like to listen to certain stations, with certain music and I am happy because there are no real DJs and no commercials. It is driving music nirvana. Having said that, it means that I really do not get to hear the latest craze in music unless it falls into my preselected genre. SWEENG apparently did not.

But today...today I was driving B's car because mine is in the shop. B does not have satellite radio. He should be sad but he is not. Maybe because he has heated leather seats and I don't. But I digress...

Driving back to the office from lunch I hear a song with a catchy beat** and then what to my wondering ears did I hear? SWEENG. And what song would this be?

Swing by Savage featuring Soulja

What? By who? Soulja? Is that slang for soldier? Probably. What does that have to do with the song? Not sure. I think the song is about looking for a woman with some loose hips for some loose times***. In that case, perhaps he is a soldier of love? Or is he talking about his "little" soldier? Wait!!

MOM!!

I cannot believe she is listening to this music. And dancing and singing or laughing to it.

My Mom has so out-hipped**** me.

Not fair.

I'm telling Dad.

*I typed that exactly as my brother pronounced it, including the huge emphasis and seemingly yelling of the word.

**Not sure "catchy beat" is a common phrase that applies to rap music. Probably more like "sweet hook" or something. But what do I know? I am not hip.

***Now I am totally showing how un-hip I am with "loose times".  It is like I was transported back to the 1950s.

****A word I made up. And it has nothing to do with our figures.

*****This last footnote is just to see if you are still reading.

It's Always Christmas in Vegas!

This year B and I spent Christmas in Vegas with his parents and his sister, brother-in-law and nephew. It was quite a departure from our normal Christmas events which usually consist of Christmas Eve dinner with B's relatives, gift exchange between us that night, Christmas with B's family on Christmas Day morning and with my family for dinner that evening. Lucky for you all, B and I still exchanged gifts on Christmas Eve. B gave me an awesome little digital camera which is responsible for all of the pictures on this post. Hopefully having my own camera will make the blog more pictureful in the future! At least that is my goal.

We set off for Vegas EARLY Christmas morning. My nephew, who would be spending his first Christmas in the City of Sin, had never flown before. He did not much like it. Especially the part where we sat on the runway for 45 minutes while he was supposed to be eating so they could de-ice the plane and secretly fix something (funny how they ran right over the word "engineer" in their announcement).

Christmas was different in Vegas. It was a blast, but at certain times you were unaware it was even a holiday. Thankfully, some of the hotels, like the Bellagio, had elaborate decorations that I snapped pictures of with my new camera:

And while our hotel did not decorate, it seems that every room was themed at Planet Hollywood, including ours.  Our theme was "Unforgiven" the Clint Eastwood movie.  We had a great table that contained props:

And this was hanging on our wall:

The best part of being in Vegas?  Winning of course:

Yes, that is only $36.00, but it is on the penny machine and was above the $20.00 I put in. What can I say? I am a big spender.  I tried to get a picture of my super cool win, but instead took a picture of my purse.  That is not posted.  

And remember when I said I got a new bobblehead?  It was Santa!  This bobblehead was from Mom a/k/a B's Mom.

Santa totally approved of our trip to Vegas. See him nodding his head up and down? That is the stamp of approval

Thanks Santa!*

*And of course a very special thank you to B's Mom and Dad who planned and took us on this wonderful trip.

**For more pictures of my nephew's first Christmas go here, here, here, and here.

You Can B So Judgical

Did you know that judgical is not a word? It sounds like it could be one. Kind of like dramatical which is not a word either.  Go figure.  I knew it was not a word but I ran across it in one of those annoying captcha code things on the internet and just knew it was the perfect word for the title of this post. Plus, I like made up words anyway. Unless they are being used in a professional setting or in a serious manner.

B came home the other night and said "your hair is long, it looks long" with wonderment and amazement in his voice.  Inside my head I yelled "victory!" and raised my arms to the sky.  Well, not really, but inside my head.  Why are we getting excited about my hair? Let me take you back about four years or so...

B and I were dating.  I was in San Antonio on a work trip with my friend E.  For whatever reason, I decided I wanted to cut my hair short. This may have stemmed from the fact that I have super fine baby hair that just lays there and really does not do much else.  But in any event that is what I decided.  E told me I should ask B after all he was "my boyfriend."  Okay. Sure. What the heck. I call B who says "whatever" and "it's your hair." That B. He played things really cool when we were dating. All nonchalant and relaxed.  Actually he is pretty nonchalant and relaxed. Except when it comes to my hair.  But back then? He was playing it cool.

So I cut my hair short. Pretty short in fact.  When my dad picked me up from the airport without any fair warning, his exact words were "wow that's short!" or something to that effect.  B never said a word. It was my hair after all.  This held true when I got highlights. I would get some noncommittal "whatever" before it was done and some throw away comment like "oh that's blond" when it was finished.

Fast forward to six months after we were married.  After growing my hair out for the wedding, I cut it again. B did not say a word.  By now I was used to this and thought "wow, my super cool boyfriend became a super cool fiance and is now a super cool husband."  Until the dreaded day in November...when I cut my hair shorter than it had ever been.   I remember quite well what B said to me before I left:

"Don't come home with a soccer mom hair cut."

But you see, I had a super cool husband who used to be a super cool fiance and before that a super cool boyfriend who didn't care that much about my hair because, after all, it was my hair (which he continued to say while we were married). He was nonchalant and relaxed.  I wanted shorter, cooler hair. Something with pizazz!  Wowza! Or some other crazy zingy word.  Instead I became:

Pat Benetar

I totally had Pat Benetar hair.  I am not kidding.  And I love Pat Benetar.  And I actually loved my hair. The thing is, I did not really look like me which would freak me out when I looked in the mirror sometimes.  Now, when I see pictures I think it was kind of cool (although there are not that many pictures at all). 

B hated it.

Hated it.

Every pent up feeling he had for all of my hair cuts came out in full force.  I had to sit and listen to how he told me not to come back looking like that. And queries as to whether I really liked this hair. And how long until this is fixed? And he cannot believe he let me invite my hairdresser to the wedding celebration in September.  And from there on he was going to go with me to the hairdresser EVERY TIME to insure this didn't happen.

As you can tell, he was no longer nonchalant and relaxed.  He was irrational and ticked off. It probably didn't help that he had to go on our honeymoon with me and my new hair.  Despite the fact that most people loved it (although B swears that they all lied to  me and that only he, the one who truly loved me, would tell the truth), I never quite accepted it either. I did not hate it as much as B did, but it didn't feel like me.  So I decided to grow it out.

That was over one year ago.  

I have not been to the salon in one year for fear that (a) if I trim even one little bit, it will stop growing and (b) B will want to accompany me and demand to talk to the GIRL WHO BUTCHERED HIS WIFE'S HAIR and who really wants THAT scene?  So it has grown. Not as quickly as I had hoped, but we have come a long way baby.   

So when I hear that my hair is long or looks long, yes I consider it a victory.  The longer it grows, the less we are reminded of the Pat Benetar haircut and all is well with the world.  B goes back to being the super cool husband and I go back to being the wife that does not look like a soccer mom.

Now, what color highlights should I try? After all, it IS my hair.  

She Who Laughs Last Gets the Cookie

At a reader request, I have diagrammed my parking story where a lady parked behind me after I drove through the parking space and then inexplicably wanted me to move after I apologized.  Not sure the diagram really helps though. I believe it is puzzling because it just does not make any sense. We were both parked - no reason for anyone to move. As you can see she would have been only slightly closer to the store if she had been where I was.  

Posting this, however, reminded me of another story of cutting in front of people but this time I was the cutee* or the-one-who-was-cut-in-front-of.  A few weeks ago I decided to go to Panera to get some yummy soup for lunch.  I was on the phone with my mom while I waited to be called next in line.  (No worries, I do not talk on the phone or hold it to my ear while I am ordering and paying at a restaurant, or in a bank or in a store -  I have some manners). The way this place is set up, there are five different cashiers spread out over about 12 feet.  So, people form one general line and wait for the next available cashier to wave them over.  At the time, I was the only "people" waiting. Suddenly, I see two men walk in, walk AROUND me and proceed to stand in front of me as I if I were just standing there like some lost little child.  I immediately said to my mom "I have to go, it's an emergency" and hung up my phone.  I needed total concentration.

I put on my real angry face and huffed.  No one listened. The guys got called to a register and, as luck would have it, I was called to one two down from them. There was another customer between us.  I ordered my soup and drink and also a chocolate chip cookies (god, I love those things).  The cookies are usually placed out in front of the cash registers and can disappear quickly.  I had not yet taken my cookie, and was just about to put my change away, when I hear one of the two rude guys say "and a chocolate chip cookie."  That was it - game on!!

As soon as I heard those words, I quickly scanned the cookies, saw ONE chocolate chip cookie and swooped right in. I reached ACROSS the person in between us and snatched the last chocolate chip cookie while saying Ha! inside my head.  As I took the cookie, I heard the cashier say "it appears we have no more chocolate chip cookies."  Double Ha!  Who's going to cut in front of me now? Huh? The person WITHOUT a chocolate chip cookie.  That's who.

Guess who didn't have the last laugh? That would be me. I sauntered over to the pop machine, all proud of myself and my not so secret revenge**, and as I put my cup down on the counter and reached for a straw, rude man came and filled his glass, right under my nose.  Well played, rude man, well played.  He probably deserved a cookie for that slick maneuver. Too bad, I had the last one.

Maybe I did have the last laugh after all.  

UPDATE:  This post made me want Panera so I went today. The cashier must have recognized me because after I said I wanted a cookie and then noticed there were no chocolate chip ones, I started to say "do you have any..." and she replied "yes" and went to retrive a chocolate chip cookie without me specifying what kind.  So, she either thinks I am (a) a crazy lunatic that will do evil unspeakable things for a chocolate chip cookie or (b) I am a cool avenger righting the wrongs in the world one cookie at a time.  I'd like to think (a) but the truth is she probably thinks (b) and just wanted me the heck out of the place!

*this is obviously not a word. Spell check keeps wanting to make it cutey, but that would take away from the viciousness of this crime.

**I am not normally so vengeful. At least, I don't normally act on my vengence.  Don't judge.  It was a cookie you know. A very, very good cookie.