Roly Poly Bugs Have Nothing to Do with Watermelons

The other day when it was about a bazillion degrees out, I decided to eat some watermelon. Nothing odd about that, right? What was odd was when I looked to my left and a bug was running up to me. A water bug!  I decided that was hilariously clever and took to Twitter to tell the world about the irony of such events.

Then B came upstairs and I relayed the story to him.  His exact words? "Couldn't have been a water bug."  He was so definitive and stern. And so wrong. Why, yes it was a water bug, I KNOW WHAT A WATER BUG LOOKS LIKE, I GREW UP COLLECTING THEM! (Maybe I didn't tell him that last part as it sounds kind of serial killer like).  B was insistent and then informed me that waterbugs are really roaches and that landlords just call them that so people won't complain about them.

Then I lost my shit.

ROACHES? ARE YOU SAYING I JUST KILLED A ROACH? WE HAVE ROACHES? I GREW UP WITH ROACHES? I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THIS IS TRUE.

He tells me to Google it, so I do and I get this:

INSERT AWFUL IMAGE OF GROSS ROACH BUG HERE.

Seriously, I cannot even pick one for you to look at because they are all freaking me out.

Suffice it to say, that is NOT what I saw and NOT what I killed and most definitely NOT what I collected as an oddball child that might have serial killer tendencies but never killed anything.  What was I referring to? Well, as I said to B:

No, no, no.  My bug was like a roly poly type thing that rolls into a ball when you touch it.  I then googled "roly poly bug" and up came this:

source: flickr.com

Much cuter, right? People (other than me) collect them and give them playgrounds even:

source: toyreport.org

Nobody needs to use their imaginations these days. Geesh!  Also, I no longer feel like the biggest used to be nerd kid.

While I am relieved to note I do not have roaches, it kind of makes the whole watermelon story a lot less ironic, doesn't it?

Also? I write about bugs a lot.

Words You Never Want to Hear Your Husband Say...

"Well, that was a strange looking bug."

Gives me the chills. We have had quite array of bugs the past couple of days much to my dismay. First there was the awfully big spider over our bed. I usually do not kill spiders because I believe their job is to go off and eat all of the other bugs I cannot stand and leave me guilt free about killing them. Although, I must say, I generally do not like the spiders to be hanging out over my bed as statistics have shown people eat about 3 or so in their lifetime. I prefer to remain in denial about that. So B was going to solve the problem. But first, like an idiot, I had to get up close because the spider looked so darn big....

and it was a CENTIPEDE!!

which caused me to run screaming like the girl I am going AHHHHHH and EEEEEEE and KILL IT NOW - NOWWWWWWW!!!!

B decided it was not that urgent and that he would go to the bathroom first so I guarded the centipede from afar to make sure it did not move. B killed it. One down.

Until yesterday when I found one in the kitchen sink. WTF? They are taking over. This also involved screaming and death threats such as:

YOU WILL DIE DOWN THE DRAIN YOU WILL.

and he did.

As did the huge big black ant the size of a bee yesterday that met his fate down the toilet.

What the heck is going on?

As for the bug that I first referenced that B found "strange," I don't know what it is and B has wisely not proceeded to find out.

It was probably a centipede.

We know how I feel about centipedes.

Aren't bugs supposed to hide or die in the summer?

Maybe if I transport these two huge spiderwebs on either side of our garage into our house, the big spiders that they house will take care of our bug problem?

Our spiders are symmetrical, if anything.

The Amityville Office

My office is not haunted, that I know of, at least.  However, it is filled with bugs. Way too many bugs for an office on the second floor. Again, I am puzzled as to how the bugs get there, kind of like the ants.  The flying bugs I can see making their way up to us, but the crawlers? Why did they choose the second floor over the first?

Now when I say filled with bugs that might be a slight exaggeration, but only slight. In fact, just last week I saw two GIANT horse flies, a dead bee, a giant crawly thing and a mosquito that I squished in my office. That was in one day. Just one.  Here is where I will tell you that my office building is really nice.  I know you don't believe me, but it is true. I guess bugs just like nice offices.

I first noticed this bug problem shortly after starting. There was the ugliest scariest looking bug in my office one day.  Luckily he was only by the door and after I glared at him awhile, or shrieked, he casually walked across the hall into the office of a guy who is rarely there, so I proceeded to get up and shut his door.  The bug made an appearance later that week at which time I decided SOMETHING MUST BE DONE. So I went to one of the partners (yes I go straight to the top) and said "come kill this crazy looking bug."  He took one look at the bug and said "oh, that's a [insert crazy long bug name here] bug. We get those all the time." and then he WALKED AWAY.  Um, no.  I made him come back and kill or remove the bug. To this day I am not sure which he did. He was right though. I saw quite a few of those bugs throughout the past couple of years. Usually just walking along the walls minding their own business. To say I and the bugs have become friends would be a stretch, but I have learned to tolerate their presence.

The huge horse flies, dead bees and mean looking bugs? Those things are new. They stormed in all at once and quite honestly, I think the office is possessed. After spotting the two horse flies and passing the dead bees, I was beginning to think that our office was resembling the set of a horror flick.  Then I went into a partner's office.  We were discussing important things, no doubt, when he pointed and said "Is that a fly on the wall?"  Sure enough, he was pointing at one of the huge horse flies.  His question unleashed all of my fears and so I responded accordingly:

"Yes! That is a huge horse fly [pointing at fly]! He is one of TWO huge flies. This office is full of bugs - full of them! There are these two HUGE horse flies, dead bees, mosquitoes and crazy crawly bugs. Look, I am telling you right now, this office is like The Amityville house.  And, if I hear anything that remotely sounds like "get out!" I am getting the heck out of here without a second thought. I hope you are with me."

You are wondering if I really did say that. Yes, I did. And I really would be out of there. If a building speaks, you have to listen. Especially when there are horse flies, bees and other bugs all around you.  And also, when your phone was previously haunted.  If my love of horror movies has taught me anything, it is to pay attention to the signs.

I am calling in sick tomorrow.

I Ant Liking This

Ants! Yes, ants are in our house. Big, mean, ugly ants! I am so distraught.  I made this discovery last night on my way to bed.  As I was passing through the dining room I spotted Chester staring intently at something.   As you know, he is the hunter.  After turning on the light I see a big, ugly ant.  I grab a tissue. Chester strolls nonchalantly over to his water bowl to get a drink.  Thanks for your help great hunter. Geesh!  This is when the drama started to unfold...

I take my tissue over to the floor by the wall and decide that I must squish the ant so he doesn't crawl on me.  I apply the tissue to the wall, hear a popping sound, and feel something sharp on my finger.  I shriek, jump back and start yelling about how that ant "bit" me!  I see it running behind our fish tank.  I yell some more about this ant biting me. No response from B from the other room.  I walk down the hall and yell some more, pondering whether it bit me, stung me, or if I was "burned" by its goo (whatever that means - I clearly was not thinking straight). B responds with an unenthusiastic "where did he go?" without even looking up. I go back to my tissue and discover a dead ant on it. There was more than one!   I walk back with my tissue and tell B he must see this big, ugly ant.  He declares that is, in fact, big and ugly.  I flush it, jump and shriek a little (why I don't know) and decide I am done with this whole ant situation and going to bed.

Well, now B has some interest.He wants to know where the other one went.  He also wants to know where they came from. How the heck am I supposed to know that just by seeing one walk across the carpet?  You see, last year, we also had a small ant problem - in that the ants were SMALL not huge.  A couple of ant traps later, no problem.  So, we walk back into the dining room, turn on the light and there is the ant in the middle of the room running across the carpet! Where is Chester you ask? Staring at the fish tank.  Thanks for your help, Chester! Really, we got it.  I declare I am not going to kill it as I don't want to get bit, stung or burned with goo again. So I just stand there, point at it, and warn B to "be careful."  Then I turn toward Chester to lecture him:

Me:  Chester, you are FIRED.

Chester: [looks up at my blankly]

Me:  You saw that ant and did not kill it.

Me:  And what about that other ant, huh?  Are you just going to let the ants walk all over our house literally?

Meanwhile, Chester listened to me intently, but, alas, did not understand a word I said.  So I turned my focus to the big spider in the corner of the ceiling - okay let me pause here - generally I have a problem killing anything, including bugs.  Obviously that does not apply to big, mean, ugly ants, but it does apply to spiders unless they, too, are big, mean and ugly.  However, I think spiders are useful in that they kill other bugs, usually. Which brings us back to my point. I ask B "why didn't that spider up there (pointing to the spider) kill these ants?"  B said he was too far up and didn't care.  "Didn't care? Is that not his food?" I exclaim.  To the spider:

Me:  You are FIRED!

Me:  There is food running all around this carpet and you are up there sleeping in the corner - it's not even winter yet.  Why are you hibernating?

I then proceed to bed. B follows 10 minutes later and informs me that he just killed another ant in our bathroom. They are everywhere. Everywhere!

This morning, I had the pleasure of killing three more of the same ants! In the bathroom - walking along the floor, on the wall, hiding from me. I got them all, but I know there is more. Where ARE they coming from?  We live on the second floor. How do they get up here? Do they sneak in when we open the door and then a day later make it to the top of the staircase? And that does not explain their friends. Unless the one that makes it to the top is pregnant.  Hmmm...this is all too much for me to ponder.  I just want the ants to go away.  Maybe if I could get Chester AND the spider to (a) do something and (b) coordinate their efforts, we could get this problem solved quickly.

Yes, I am crazy. But you already knew that, right?