Jersey Shore: Where MTV Kills My Brain Cells and My DVR Conspires Against Me

Have you watched MTV's latest show, Jersey Show? If not, you should. Yes, it will feel like you are losing brain cells at a rapid pace, but it will entertain you. Apparently I am late to this train as the show debuted last week with a two hour episode. Lucky for me, however, I have a husband that likes to stay on top of the latest trends and he DVR'd it. Even luckier, I happened to walk into the room in the middle of his viewing. I was transfixed for the next hour. I then ran upstairs to watch the newest episode and to set my DVR to record the entire season. I think I could watch this show on repeat for 24 hours a day, it is so ridiculous. Every viewing brings a new gem. Here are some things I found hilarious/sad/funny/pathetic/intriguing:

• Mike "The Situation" - I still do not understand his nickname, even when it was explained to me. However, it does lend itself to funny sentences such as when the host of the live after show said "Is it okay if I call you Mike? I am not comfortable with The Situation." Ha! Get it?
• All of the boys look the same with various degrees of less attractiveness. That sentence makes about as much sense as The Situation, but if you watch the show you will know exactly what I mean.
• Snickers (real nickname Snooki - but the boys were calling her snickers and it stuck with me) is quickly becoming my favorite character despite the fact that she looked like Barney Rubble in a dress the other day.
• Sometimes I cannot understand a word that is being said.
• What kind of nickname is "JWOWW"? Why the extra "W"? Even better, she uses that when being introduced to people. Side note: From now I am going to be known as DBADD. I will even use it in Court: "Good morning your Honor, DBADD appearing on behalf of the defendant." The other side will shake in their boots.
• Even though all of the girls on the show have made out with all of the boys and some of the girls, they think all other girls the guys pick up are skanks/sluts/whores.
• One guy is always without a shirt. In fact he ran home from the bar because he was "angry" and between reaching the stairs and opening the door, he had taken off his shirt.
• Another guy let a girl take off his shirt in the bar while they were dancing. She then felt ill and left the bar WITH HIS SHIRT. He mysteriously was wearing another one.
• Later, that same guy and girl made out. Actually, HE made out with her as she laid there looking like she was going to pass out. He then inexplicably showed her his penis. It was pierced. She has a boyfriend.
• She had a boyfriend.
• She also has the biggest, most massive fake breasts ever. When she declared "the tits are coming out tonight", she did not lie. She wore the tiniest strips of material that made B and I ponder how much double sided tape was involved.
• Another girl had a boyfriend who got mad that she was living with a bunch of boys so he broke up with her. He is married.
• Snickers has been wanting to have sex since she arrived. She found a friend in a bar and declared him a SURE THING. She brought him home and he puked on her floor. She kicked him out after ordering him to clean it up. She then walked him home. Such a gentleman.
• Some guy got pink eye and showed everyone. The other guy lamented about how contagious it is "you can even get it FROM THE AIR!" Um, wouldn't we all have pink eye then? He also lamented that the guy got it from sticking his face in some girl's @$$.
• Pink eye guy did dive between some woman's legs while "dancing" at the bar after declaring that he liked all women, fat, old or ugly. I am sure that woman feels blessed.

My summary, however, is nothing compared to this cartoon clip I found on You Tube:

Since I first saw this on Thursday, my DVR has taped it EVERY SINGLE DAY. I am not even kidding. I came home Friday at 6 pm and wondered what the DVR was taping - Jersey Shore. I heard the DVR click on Saturday at 2 pm and was puzzled - Jersey Shore. Then on Sunday around noon I noticed the taping light - Jersey Shore! And all were the first episode. This is despite the fact that I told it to only tape NEW episodes.

It's a conspiracy. A guido* conspiracy.

*I assure you that I only use that term because it is used every 5 seconds in the show. In fact, I was not even aware of the term guidette. Now I know. Now you know.

Crime Watch Wednesday: The Man with the Bad Haircut

This week's crime watch chronicles brings my all time favorite headline:

Man with Bad Haircut Arrested forLarceny

How awesome is that? It makes you want to read more. Did his bad haircut contribute to the larceny? Did he commit the larceny because he had a bad haircut? TELL ME MORE.

Here is what it said:

Officers were able to track and apprehend a suspect who had stolen a vehicle with the use of a tracking dog. The man had a freshly shaven head with a few missed spots and numerous nicks. Hair was discovered in the bathroom of the house leading police to believe that the man attempted to change his appearance.

Well, that plan clearly didn't work. Also, that title? Way more interesting than the story. Here I thought that the city had instituted some new law about bad haircuts similar to the law against dancing in the street. But, no. Just some plain old larceny with a god awful plan to cover your identity while standing IN YOUR OWN HOUSE. Hmmm...I wonder how they caught you dude.

I think I will make up my own version of this story:

Officers tracked and apprehended a suspect on suspicion of having Bad Hair. Bad Hair was recently categorized as a class A offense punishable by death. The suspect is also being charged with larceny of tools used in the commission of the crime. Taken from the scene as evidence was a big plastic comb, multiple ponytail holders and an electric razor allegedly used to shave the sides, but not all, of the suspect's head. Police have released the following photo of the suspect:

(Source)

Yes, much better. The story, not the hair.

Get Lost Crazy Purple Pants!!

Before I had my gallbladder surgery, B and I decided to head over to our new restaurant find, this small Mexican dive a couple blocks away. Like most of my friends, we love to find some good authentic yummy Mexican food. Before this find, we would have had to travel miles downtown or miles uptown to get something great. No more. The Mexican place, combined with the Thai place we found, is quickly making this neighborhood the BEST PLACE TO LIVE EVER. Now if we could only find a quality Chinese place...

I digress.

So we headed to the restaurant about an hour before they were going to close and much to my delight, the place was deserted. So I dreamt of chips and salsa and peace and quiet. The waitress, the same waitress as always, brought us HOT chips and noted to the bus boy that she was going to break down in tears any minute while watching the latest Extreme Makeover. All was good.

And in came purple pants.

Purple pants thought he was something else. Obviously from the snootier* side of town, I imagine he considered his travels into this place "slumming." The waitress told him and his wife/girlfriend to sit anywhere they wanted. So they sat in the booth immediately behind us.

Of course they did.

And then the crazy ensued:

CPP to lady friend: Do you think they have a liquor license?

CPP to bus boy: Do you have a liquor license?

Bus boy: No.

CPP: OHHHH NOOOO....we just came here for margaritas and chips.

Bus boy: Well, I can get you the chips.

CPP: No. I really want a margarita.

CPP: We already ate. I just want a margarita.

[pause]

CPP: Do you have a take out menu?

Waitress: It is the same as the real menu

CPP: I cannot believe you don't have margaritas. We were driving by and saw the sign and thought "let's get a margarita."

(Note: Saying it/requesting it/demanding it will not make the liquor license they do NOT have suddenly go into effect)

CPP: Okay, well I guess we will come back when we are less....thirsty.

Exit crazy purple pants and his girl stage center.

I have never been so happy that a place could not sell liquor in my life because if I had to listen to that man drone/bray in my ear for five minutes longer, I was going to need a margarita.

Oh, and B says he was wearing a denim jacket too.

Perfect.

*Is snootier a word? If not, it should be.

Riddles Are Easy When You Cheat

Potbellys always has riddles. I never know the answer even when pressured. They had the same riddle for days last week:

A sundial has the fewest parts of all time pieces. What has the most?

I thought about it once, decided it was making my head hurt and never thought about it again. On Friday, when I was in there, a guy strolled up behind me and said, without any preface:

"I haven't given this much thought but an hourglass?"

Bastard! At first, I thought "What a show off" and then I thought, "why is he so much smarter than me?" Then I realized that a mere moment before, I had heard the sandwich guy ask him "same thing as yesterday?" Obviously he had been in there the day before, read the riddle, and Googled the answer! Sure enough, when I got home, I googled it and found the answer. You know what that means, don't you?

That bastard is STILL smarter than me.

So there you have it...the first real riddle on this site courtesy of a sandwich shop and the answer courtesy of same random guy who cheated with Google.

Dear Riddler...

No this is a not a letter to me, but I sure wish it was and that I was an advice columnist because I would have plenty to say.  Of course, no one would send me any letters after reading my advice and the column would quickly dry up and I would be broke in no time, but I would have had some good times.

So,  I get a bunch of magazines.  Too many, I am sure B would say. Well he does say that while accusatorily pointing at the stack and failing to realize how many Esquires and Maxims are mixed in.  Those aren't mine, ya know. Anyway, some of these magazines are what we call "girl" or "women" magazines. Not girlie magazines. And not Playgirl.  Magazines for the young woman or family gal.  One that I regularly read is Redbook.  Another is Cosmo, but I am about to cancel that because really, are there honestly 100 different ways to please your man EVERY month? Wouldn't that equate to 1200 ways to please your man in the course of a year? Who has that much time?  Sounds exhausting. Can't you just pick a couple that are good and stick with those?  

In these magazines, there are always advice columns.  Cosmo's questions, to no surprise, are about sex. Didn't they cover that from cover to cover? (Say THAT three times fast).  While Redbook's questions, on the other hand, tend to be broader and cover a wider range of topics such as family issues, health and apparently, work.  The latest issue offers this letter. I thought it was a joke:

I have a coworker who won't confide in me or anyone

else at our job anymore.  Also, when I dish to her about

other people we work with, she doesn't even respond. I

want her to confide in me because I think she needs my 

help to get her life together - she's made some very bad

dating choices in the past, and I don't really care for how she

does her makeup or hair.  I think she needs my friendship, 

because she sounds so pathetic.  The other coworkers

suspect that she stopped confiding in us because she

thinks we talk about her behind her back - buy we only

do it because we care.  How do I get this coworker to let

down her guard and let me back in?

(Redbook, November 2008)

I kid you not, that is the letter.  Now the advice columnist was probably kinder than I would have been although she was straight to the point in declaring who exactly was pathetic, without using those exact words.  I, on the other hand would start by saying unless you are God himself, you should not be authoring that letter and I would venture to say even He would not do that.  I would follow that with these points:

• is this a joke?
• really...you can tell me.
• I won't dish to anyone I swear. I don't even know what dish is when used as a verb, I just use it to describe my nouns, the dishes.
• but if you want me to gossip, I'll gossip. I can gossip with the best of them. Did you hear about the coworker who thinks she's above everyone and has better relationships, hair, makeup, friendship and life?
• you didn't huh? Maybe no one is confiding in you.
• I wonder why they have their guard up around you. Why is there this wall?
• it is like they cannot let anyone in and "be themselves" around you. Strange.
• maybe if you try harder you can be let back in. 
• perhaps you can start by offering unsolicited advice about their relationships...
• and their makeup...
• and their hair.
• but not directly to them...
• behind their back...
• because you care, of course.

Now, I could give real advice in response to this letter. But I will let the professional at Redbook do that.   She is paid and probaby certified and licensed and such.  I am just a girl, not yet a woman, or something like that.  I will just stick to what I know.

About those 100 different ways to please your man...

Double Secret Blind Date

I know you are wondering, how can a blind date be double secret? Isn't a blind date, well, a blind date? The answer of course is no.  Let me fill you in on the double secret blind date of which I just became aware of today.*  A guy I know told me he had a date.  Not that he is an infrequent dater by any means. In fact, he dates a lot. He only tells me about the unusual, unique or downright hilarious ones.  So I brace myself for a doozy of a story. Instead I get a voicemail. His voicemail.  It went something like this:

"Hi Riddler's Friend. You don't know me but a mutual friend told me that I should call you so that we could go out.  I am 5'4, lean, with long blond hair and big boobs. So give me a call."

I decide this is a joke. This is a joke, right? No, says my friend. He insists he talked to this woman on the phone and he is going out with her tonight. During their conversation he found out she is a personal trainer, runs triathlons, and could kick his ass. I am convinced she is a boy.  What he did not find out is (1) who told her to call him and (2) her name. (I don't know how he called her without knowing her name. I presume she just answered).  You heard that right. He is going out with an unnamed woman whom he does not know referred to him by some alleged unnamed friend.  How much more double secret could it get?

Even though he is a boy, I ask him if he is taking a friend, or perhaps a weapon, with him?  He just laughs.  I remind him that (a) she sounds like a boy, or at least a mean-kick-your-ass girl, (b) she can kick his ass and (c) HE DOES NOT KNOW HER NAME.  Really - we may never hear from him again after tonight. He assures me he is going somewhere where he knows a lot of people.  Yep, everyone but her I guess.

And let's get back to the voicemail. Pretend this is real. Who describes themselves like that? Really?  Who says 5'4", lean, long blond hair and BIG BOOBS?  A boob that's who.  Not sure it would be someone I wanted to date. Can you imagine, girls, if a boy called you and said this:

"I am 6'2", athletic, dark hair and I have a big penis."

On second thought, maybe she has the right idea...

*Yep, I just coined the phrase double secret blind date. Feel free to use it in the future. Just don't actually go on one. 

The One Where I Look Like...

Yesterday I was at yet another proceeding wearing another dark suit. Luckily no powdered donut holes were to be found as it was an afternoon proceeding. As an aside, it is not really fun to go to the grocery store with people that read your blog like, say, your brother and his girlfriend. They just end up saying witty things like "stay away from those donut holes," "watch out that has powdered sugar", and "the corn is not giving you the evil eye."  Back on point - at a proceeding in a dark suit.  In the middle of the proceeding, as one of the in charge people is speaking, I can see and hear one of the guys across from me whispering (not so quietly) about me.  I hear snippets like "her glasses" and "see, look at her."  I loudly proclaim "I CAN HEAR YOU" which stops them for all of two minutes and they are back at it again, disrupting me and the proceeding.  When the person in charge stops speaking, the guy across from me announces to the whole room:

YOU LOOK LIKE SARAH PALIN.

Oh boy.  I really look nothing like Sarah Palin. I am pale, she is not.  We have different facial features. I have about 1/100 of her hair (seriously my hair is super thin and super fine).  So I tell him it is probably the dark suit.  My client chimes in with "and your hair is up."  But, he was not satisfied, that man.  He declares that I do not have the right glasses and that I should put on his client's classes. A man.  I repeat "you want me to put on his glasses?" Oh yes, he did. Well, as soon as I put them on, there was a collective gasp from the room and everyone chimed in "oh you DO look like Sarah Palin."  The injured party says "maybe if you had a little more poufy hair on top."  Thanks?

However, after expressing concern as to whether this was a good thing or a bad thing, I was told I was a beautiful woman so it was a good thing. I was also told that I was much more smarter than Sarah Palin.  I will take that as a compliment.  Sarah probably will not.

Then they asked me to do math and my reign as a really smart beauty queen came to a screeching halt.

April Moments

This was a busy month but it began with two very special occasions - a fabulous trial victory and my first wedding anniversary, both equally celebrated! Other things happened this month:

Vanity plate day -

A day when all I saw were vanity plates. First, I was at a red light. There was a convertible in front of me and two cars in front of her. We were all waiting to turn right. The little green arrow comes on. The cars in front of her go, but the woman in front of me will not go. No amount of honking will make her budge. In fact, when I honk, she points to the red light. I then proceed to point at and shout "green arrow." Does not help her. She must think green arrow is just some pretty sign to match the red light, like Christmas. Just as the light turns green and we FINALLY get to turn right, I notice her license plate "IM Jammin." Yes you are, honey, just at a VERY slow pace.

During the same trip I saw "Nvestg8or" - apparently NOT an undercover one and "PAID FO" which just cracked me up.

Kitchen decorations -

Someone in charge at work decided that they no longer liked the plastic forks, spoons, and knives to be in the containers facing up claiming that everyone would then touch the ends we were supposed to eat with. However, with them facing downward, no one would know what they are (despite the fact that they have been in the same positions for years). So that person made labels to put above the utensils. Well, hilarity ensued. Labels on sticky notes were EVERYWHERE - microwave, fridge, ice maker - you name it - there was a label. In fact, someone astutely labeled the sticky notes as labels. My coworker got a pic of it. If I can get it from her I will post it because it was just TOO much. Yeah, sometimes I really love TNP.

Just desserts -

Have you ever been driving down the road and something crazy happens and you think to yourself "where is a cop when you need one?" This month such thing occurred and no sooner had I thought it then a cop appeared and pulled that ass over. Never have I laughed so hard in my life. Just desserts indeed.

These are just a couple. I would be here for the next three months listing them all. No wonder I feel like I never get anything done!

Hair Today...Gone Tomorrow

When I was a young lass in high school there was a sign hanging up in our chemistry class that said the above. I believe it was there to instruct us to use caution when mixing chemicals and performing labs so that we would not set our hair on fire. The saying always stuck with me, mainly because it made absolutely no sense. I know it is probably some spin off of here today, gone tomorrow, but still...

Anyway, the point of this post is not about high school and chem class, believe it or not. It does have to do with hair. My hair actually (surprise!). This recently happened to me.

I am sitting in my office minding my own business, working hard. I am approached by a coworker who says "so, you must not have court today." This is said all matter-of-fact. I look at the clock, see it is almost 10 a.m. and figure he must be talking about the time, although I can have a court appointment at anytime during the day. Puzzled, I respond "why do you say that?". His response is:

"Well look at your hair!"

Look at my hair?? I was wearing a sleek, pulled back low ponytail. What the hell was wrong with my hair? It was not a high cheerleader ponytail. It was not a ponytail on the side of my head circa 1980. It was not a ponytail on the top of my head. It was a professionally pulled back style. Unbelievable. It is even more so if you could see his assistant. She takes "bed head" to a whole other level. She doesn't have that sexy mussed up look, but rather the slept under four pillows with gel on look. And then she spends the entire day hairspraying it in place. She is single handedly destroying our ozone layer. I am convinced of it.

So...I have proceeded to wear my hair in a ponytail for the last week and a half. I am such a rebel - ha!

I'm back.....

So I have returned. Where have I been? Everywhere of course, and apparently too tired, busy, or lazy to post. Since I have been away for um, about 7 months, there is a lot to say. Rather than give a detailed accounting, however, I am opting for an edited list edition. So here it is. This is my life for the past 7 months in list form and probably forgetting half of what occurred.

1. Had my going away party. As you can see from the posted picture, there were a lot of green drinks. Yes, it was strange drinking a green margarita on St. Patrick’s Day, but as predicted the place was empty. The party was beyond boring! If not for my good friend J, I may have shot someone. However, since she was there, I left the gun play for those outside the bar. Yes, indeed, someone had a gun on St. Patrick’s Day. Go figure. No shots fired. Drunks arrested. Drunks inside the bar, however, still there to annoy me. Perfect ending to the not so perfect job.

2. No matter where you go in life, people are the same. Same zany work people, just different degrees. And, yes, people still complaint about missing itmes. Here at THE NEW PLACE I have received many emails regarding items I did not know we had (pliers) from places I did not know existed (Zerbie ring drawer). If you know where any of these items are or more importantly can translate “Zerbie ring drawer” for me, please let me know at once. I know I am sitting here missing something big at THE NEW PLACE as I type. BREAKING NEWS: My Secretary just handed me a memo and apparently Zerbie is some kind of paper binding system. Carry on. Crisis resolved.

3. My office, or rather, my phone is haunted. It’s true. I am being haunted by Roger. Apparently Roger used to have the extension that I have. So I now receive his voicemails from the past and sometimes, from Roger himself. Quite freaky. At first the HR person thought I was crazy. Then she thought she was crazy after listening to it. What she failed to realize is that Roger and I are like soul mates intertwined through electrical currents. Come to find out that Roger liked to send messages to himself in the future. Guess what I am getting? Yep, those messages. Who knows when this will end. I do know a lot about Roger now. Hee hee hee….

4. Overheard one day at THE NEW PLACE: a partner speaking to his secretary: "and don't be crying over your hair". Seriously.

5. My doctor wanted me to have a sleep study done and he said that the facility would contact me. It had been a week so I called them. Here is a transcript of the conversation:

Them: ISW

Me: Hi, my doctor wanted me to have a sleep study done at your facility and stated you were going to call me. It has been over a week so I just want to make sure that you received my paperwork.

Them: Okay, one minute

(2 seconds later)

Them: ISW, can I help you? (same girl)

Me: Yes, it is the same person you were just talking to and put on hold.

Them: No, we did not have anybody on hold.

Me: Yes, you just talked to me 2 seconds ago - supposed to have a sleep study done, wanted to make sure you have my paperwork....

Them: I can check that for you. When did you have your sleep study done?

Me: I HAVEN'T HAD A SLEEP STUDY DONE. I am supposed to have one scheduled.

Them: Okay, what is your name?

Me: First. Last.

Them: Okay First....go ahead with your last name.

Me: LAST

Them: That does not sound familiar but I will check.

(4 seconds later)

Them: I have your paperwork right here.

And I am supposed to trust their diagnosis?? No. I had the second sleep study done at another place. A little less ludicrous but still slightly crazy. I do have sleep apnea. The treatment? Look it up for yourself. You will be scared. More on that one later.

6. My cousin had a baby, a precious little girl. I was there for the whole event. Yes the WHOLE event. Words cannot describe, nor would you want them to. Ha! It was very beautiful and I was happy and proud to be a part of it. What was not beautiful was waiting around with a bunch of lunatics that I also happen to call family. That made for a LONG wait. One example before I move on – a nun (really) who kept telling the waiting room that it did not take this long when she gave birth (yep, never had), who broke all kinds of speeding laws to get to the hospital, and who loudly declared that my cousin should shoot her dog and kill it because it could possibly attack the baby. Yep, a nun. I actually asked her more than once if she really was a nun. She claimed it was true. Hmmmm…..I am still investigating that one.

7. Seen in court: Man wearing not only a priest collar but also a sheriff badge. Now what are the chances that he is both? I would say slim to none. Also, I don’t think a priest/sheriff would be getting a call from Social Services. He did. I heard the whole think because he is apparently deaf as well. I think he just could not decide which “costume” would better impress the judge, a priest or a sheriff so he went as both. Happy Halloween!!