Thursday, December 31, 2009

It's the Little Things that Lead to the Big Things that Lead to Everything a/k/a How the Little Things Made Our 2009

It is funny how a year goes by so quickly even though so much happens. Sometimes, when I haven't seen someone in a while, the person may ask me to catch them up and tell them what has happened over the past year. I almost always draw a blank. Maybe I will remember the big things: we got our first house, our third cat, our first dog. We had our first grown up party, our first Halloween, our first block party (which I still haven't written about). But the little things like our first fire in the fireplace? Those things are often forgotten.

So in my year in review post, I am going to concentrate on the small things. The things I would have forgotten if not for this blog. I hope you enjoy taking the walk down memory lane with me.


B noticed that I was wearing glasses every day - after 6 months! Meanwhile, I remembered I inadvertently lied to a woman at an eyeglass store about being married and had to use my brother as a fake husband. P.S. I am still wearing glasses every day and now B thinks I look strange without them.

I told B I planned on getting a dog that was big enough to ride away on. Instead, we got Jersey. The only thing that can ride her at this point is Brad.

My Dad foiled a robbery without meaning to or immediately realizing it. That takes talent.


We "met" our backyard neighbor who would later become known as the longgrassed man. For this we are grateful as he has provided endless hours of entertainment. P.S. B still doesn't have blinds in that room.

I had my girls smashed for the first time in the name of science. Or preventative medicine. Or the doctor's personal S&M fetish. You decide.


I made an effort to cook more often. If, by effort, one means texting her husband to pick up all of the ingredients.

The post that gets me the most search hits EVER was born. Thank you dear spammer because some of those people have actually stayed.

B had the greatest birthday ever, thanks to me. Who doesn't want a birthday present scavenger hunt?


B experienced a car wreck that sounded like a scene out of a movie right down to the one liners "And to think...I was just singing a song..."

We decided that we were better off not being superheros since B wanted to be evil and I wanted to be good. Probably a good thing only one of us was radioactive.


I was ousted as a riddler by some cheater at Potbellys. And Google rules the world.

My gallbladder was removed which would be my second ectomy in the last couple of years. No "ectomy" is not a word but you know what it means - appendectomy, gallbladderectomy. Well, really there is a different word for that last one but what do you want? I am no doctor.


I realized I was living in the movie Footloose when the local paper revealed someone called the cops on a dancing man. But it was raining after all.

B spent many hours making the perfect lamp for my Dad for Father's Day. Who doesn't want something you can read by and also use for grease fires? Multitasking is always a good thing.


My parents found an extra special surprise when pulling into their neighborhood one day. Cartoon graffiti took on a whole new meaning.

Crime Watch Wednesday was born with a post about a tragic tandem bicycle accident. Well, actually it wasn't tragic at all as the cyclists just went about their way. That is, unless you count the fact that a driver managed to not see a tandem bicycle. He obviously doesn't wear his glasses every day.


B grew pumpkins the size of REALLY BIG pumpkins. He later brought the pumpkins home where we used the cats as props to show their size. We will put those cats next to anything. It is the price they pay for a roof over their head and way too much food to eat apparently.

B found the perfect plant to put in our garden for me until the evil rabbit stole it. Luckily many more grew to take its place and the sun was back in my world.


I learned that the legal world and the zombie world are very much alike. In fact, some days I have trouble telling them apart. Also, judges watch movies. It is almost like they are human.

Special guest, Virginia, stopped by to answer some unanswered questions about past posts, including what happened to the plant the evil rabbit ate. Virginia also declared Chester the prettiest cat around. He is still wearing his tiara.


Our favorite breakfast place underwent renovations which resulted in unintentional hilarity. I still scrutinize that place. We still go there every week. They have great food and great waitresses and now feature spellcheck.

B decided that Mooch was probably not the best bed partner. Mooch just grinned evilly and snidely remarked "payback's a bitch."


My true psychic ability revealed itself. Unfortunately the only plus side was that I realized I would be able to tell 8 hours in advance when my questions about Janet Jackson would be answered. Baby steps.


Became hooked on the most god awful excuse for reality TV on the air. Thanks B! Also, was a psychic foreshadowing of the puppy. Who knew such trash could be connected to something so wonderful?

I spent the holiday season cursing like a sailor while my Mom serenaded me.

This was quite the year! I cannot wait to see what 2010 has in store for us.

Stay tuned...

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

A Tale of Two Jerseys

As you are aware, about two weeks ago, Jersey became a part of our family and we loved her immediately. She was CUTE, playful, and rather well behaved for a two month old puppy. B was in his glory having found a couch buddy:

And Jersey was definitely a Daddy's Girl - always going to B, running when she heard him coming in the door, and just loving him (even when he looks EVIL - tell me he doesn't look eveil here):

Mooch maintained a watchful distance:

But then, by Saturday, Jersey became a different dog. Less playful, less running and no eating or drinking AT ALL. On Saturday she threw up three times and looked so despondent that B took her to urgent care in the middle of the night. They xrayed her, pumped her full of fluids and sent her home. She was better on Sunday, but not totally right. She didn't even want to chase Brad:

She just looked uncomfortable. On Monday, B took her to our new vet who gave her more fluids and medications, but it is hard to get a pill down a puppy that won't eat anything.

On Tuesday, both Jersey and I were sick and after we laid around in the morning, I took her back in where they kept her for a while.

By the last time we took her in, she didn't look well at all. However, despite not eating for days, she would still get bursts of energy and chase cats and play with toys. Mostly, though, she looked like this:

Finally, the pet gave her a parvo test which came up positive. The test wasn't given previously because the adoption records said she had been vaccinated. If any of you have dogs, you know that parvo is a puppy killer, especially if caught too late. When I was young we had a puppy survive parvo. I didn't think that could happen twice.

Jersey went back to the vet the day before Christmas Eve. The vet said she was going to keep her until after Christmas although she thought it was a mild strain. We were sad and scared we were going to lose her forever.

On Christmas Eve, B got a call to come pick up Jersey. She was back to full blown puppy status - eating, BARKING nonstop in her kennel, and playing. B wasn't sure and was apprehensive that we would be back in emergency over the holidays. But when he got there and saw her for himself, he brought her home.

This time, it was a real surprise to me. I didn't expect her home for Christmas and I didn't expect her to be so perky. She was the wonderful, excitable, ball of energy** Jersey that was delivered to us a week earlier.

And we were grateful.

The ol' Jersey is back.

And we love her.

*So she isn't really moving in those pictures, but she really is a ball of energy.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I Got Someone Fired on Christmas Even Though I Don't Have that Power, But She Didn't Know that a/k/a BagelGate 2009

Fridays in our office are Casual Day. If you are not meeting with clients or in court, you can wear jeans. Unfortunately, I do not get to partake a lot because I am usually in court. Hence, Fridays seem to be Dani Wears a Suit Day. Not as exciting or as comfortable.

Fridays are also Bagel Day. One person is the designated bagel person. Usually I do not have my first pick in bagels and end up taking whatever is left over, or nothing at all. That would be because I am in court. However, when I am there for jeans and bagels? I call that heaven.

So last week we knew there would be a skeleton crew on Christmas Eve. For some reason we were going to be open all day (that later changed to 3 pm). I was only going in until lunch and because of lunch, which I had scheduled for just a few miles from the office. When the email came asking for a head count for people that would be in the office for Bagel Day, I replied right away.

Christmas Eve became my heaven.

I got there bright and early at 8 am (well for Christmas Eve that is bright and early) and began telling everyone how excited I was for my bagel. S was excited too. Then at 9 I began to complain that I was starving. After all, I didn't eat breakfast in anticipation of this bagel. Then at 9:10 I heard there would be no bagel because the bagel person claimed no one responded to the email.

Christmas was RUINED!

I went to my sent box and the email was there. S claimed she sent one too. We grabbed our coats and on the way out to the bagel place, we made a stop at the Bagel Person's office:

BP: I am sorry
BP: Only 5 people responded, so....
Me: Wait...huh? WHAT?
BP: There wasn't a big response...
BP: Do you want some of my candy bar?

And so I got a bagel. A much better bagel actually than I would have had if the person had come through. Of course, the better bagel required me to put on my coat, go outside, DRIVE to the bagel place and waste what little time I had planned on spending in the office. So, there was that.

Also? 5 people? That IS A RESPONSE! If you ask "how many people will be in so I know how many people to buy bagels for" and 5 people respond, BUY FIVE BAGELS. At the very least, email those 5 people and tell them they are on their own. That way maybe the will not rely on your bagel. Maybe they will eat breakfast.

Lesson here? The bagel you buy could save your job.

Another lesson? Buy your own damn bagel!

*No actual people were fired in BagelGate 2009. I do not have that kind of power.**

**Even if I had that power, I probably wouldn't fire someone over BagelGate 2009.***

***But I might really want to.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Slipping, Sliding and Spinning Our Way Into Christmas

Christmas has come and gone. It seems like it went by so fast after all of the planning. A lot of fun was had. For a short recap of Christmas Eve and a picture of B with a German candle thing, go here.

Christmas morning looked like this:

On the table are the gifts we had for each other and, in some cases, from the cats. Yes Brad loved me enough to get me the complete Sex and The City DVD Series and Chester and Mooch knew how much I wanted the first season of True Blood. Man, I love those cats!

You will also notice that Santa brought B his very own stocking. And it was even filled with stuff:

This pictures shows all of the gifts that we had to load into the truck to take to both our parents' house. And that is Brad making a special guest appearance:

Brad also wanted to participate in the gift opening, mainly by chewing on the paper. I wish I had a video camera for that:

B was very surprised and happy with my gift to him of a widescreen computer monitor. Maybe I should have stuck to his list and given him a big box of socks and underwear.*

At B's sister's house, we heard the story of the famous Zhu Zhu pets and how there are all of these warnings not to put them in your hair because it will get all tangled. B wanted to see what the allure was:

Over at my parents' house, they finally got to meet Jersey. My brother loved her:

And she loved him right back:

All of the gifts at my parents' house were set underneath the reindeer. The deer, as you can see, was taken from a carousel. How cool is that?

My Dad decorated the mantle with garland, lights and a nativity scene:

I love the glowy picture!

Other things that made Christmas eventful:

  • On the way to our first stop, I was driving as B was holding Jersey, when the car next to us started hydroplaning because of the rain, spun around right in front of us across three lanes of traffic, hit the guardrail, went UP the guardrail, and luckily did not flip over. We pulled over and waited with them until EMS and their parents arrived. Luckily they were not hurt, but quite shocked and shaken. I was petrified because we came awfully close to hitting them. Thank God I didn't hit my brakes.
  • We got my nephew a tricycle for Christmas and as soon as he opened he, he yelled "BIKE" and tried to ride it around. He toppled over twice.
  • My nephew also flew off a sit and spin. Those things are dangerous!
  • My nephew also got toppled by Jersey which he thought was fun until she tried to nip at him. Now he is not a fan.
  • My nephew demonstrated his ability to slide down feet first and head first into his ball pit.
  • Jersey was on her best behavior at my parents' house. Of course, that is because she spent the entire time in the kitchen waiting to be fed.
  • I got lots of great presents, including Vicky.**
  • We had a wonderful day with both of our families and our little ones.
Hope your Christmas was just as wonderful!

*He seriously put socks and underwear on his Christmas list. He also seriously thought the box was filled with socks and underwear. I had to stop him from throwing it around. A shattered monitor makes for a sad Dani.

**More on this wonderful lady later.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas Songs Make Me Sing, Curse and Profess My Love for Santa

In preparation for today and tomorrow, I decided to start listening to Christmas music on my satellite radio in the car. Of course, I was too lazy to look up what stations were offering such music so when one station mentioned a country Christmas station, I dialed in. I figured it didn't matter if I wasn't that fond of country music, it was Christmas music after all? How bad could it be?

Oh boy.

First of all, apparently country Christmas songs like to talk about Christmas geographically. For example, there is "Tennessee Christmas." Then I heard "It's Christmas in Texas, Y'all." No kidding. I am pretty sure it is Christmas everywhere (at least those places that celebrate Christmas which includes all 50 states). Also, I really don't think of Texas as country. Is it because of the cowboys? I guess that is plausible.

But "Colorado Christmas"? Now it is getting ridiculous. First, I am not sure what the difference is between a Colorado Christmas and a Tennessee Christmas and despite hearing both songs no less than 1,000 times, I didn't bother to listen to the lyrics to tell you. However, I know for a FACT that Colorado is not "country." They are not in the south. They do not have cowboys.

Nice try, Colorado.

Speaking of nice tries....Taylor Swift? You're my girl. I am sorry Kanye was rude to you. I even like some of your songs despite the fact that your lyrics speak more to 14 year olds than to 30 somethings. But even my love has a limit. You know what that limit is? Your rendition of Silent Night.

Just stop.

I turned that off in 2 seconds flat. So, so bad. I am all for making a song your own, but please make it your own GOOD song. Not this:

On and speaking of making a your own rendition, do NOT change the words to one of the most common Christmas songs around. It will not end good. I will not be happy and will probably be cursing on one of the most holy days.

The words to Little Drummer Boy do NOT include "I have no gifts to bring to give Jesus the King." Um, WHAT? And repeating that over and over without talking about actually PLAYING YOUR DRUM makes you a Little Drummer Boy fail.


Maybe with the holiday passing I can get over my holiday rage and then my Mom will stop singing Christmas songs to pacify me. It makes her laugh. It makes me curse.*

Me: I hate these @#^@&# drivers!!
Mom: :starts singing We Wish You a Merry Christmas:
Me: I *WISH* you would stop singing!
Me: Look at that !#^&@#*&
Mom: :singing Silent Night:
Me: I wish there was something else *SILENT*
Me: What the @#^&@^# is that person doing?
Mom: :Oh Holy Night:
Me: Oh Holy F -

Despite my foul mouth, Santa loves me. Do you know how I know? Because he shouted out mine and my SIL's name at our latest Holiday Nights walk. We were super excited jumping up and down, waving our arms and shouting "SANTA". And just when it got quiet, I shouted with open arms:


We had a moment.

That moment may have included "Santa" laughing into the microphone before moving on to another name, but it was a moment.

Merry Christmas, peeps. I hope Santa is good to each and every one of you!

*When don't I curse?

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Crime Watch Wednesday: Ring My Bell at Your Own Risk

Remember the last time I posted a Crime Watch Wednesday? My OWN Crime Watch Wednesday that never made it into our crime watch chronicles despite how amazingly hilarious it was? Well, yes, I am still bitter. Why? Because instead of my awesome misdelivered package/horror story/the call is coming from ACROSS THE STREET debacle, the chronicles have just chosen something utterly stupid.

Now I know you are asking yourself - "Really? How could someone calling the cops over a misdelivered package with the recipeint's phone number on it NOT be the dumbest thing ever to call your town's cops about?" Well, readers, let me introduce you to the guy who doesn't know what a doorbell is for:

A local resident recently called the police after someone rang his doorbell. He told police that he was not expecting anyone and, thus, he found the ringing of his doorbell to be a huge breach of security. Apparently the alleged perp a/k/a person ringing the doorbell had not received the resident's security policy. The man was also disturbed because it was 6:00 pm and past his bedtime. Before calling the cops, the man was nice enough to send his son outside to see if there was a burglar or murderer out there. However, no one was seen. The police also attempted to locate the doorbell ringer with no luck.

Someone rang his doorbell. HIS DOORBELL. Why else would you have a doorbell? Hell, if you are expecting someone, then you could just open the door when they arrive with no need for a doorbell. DOORBELLS ARE FOR STRANGERS TO ALERT YOU THAT THEY ARE ON YOUR PORCH. Generally, they mean no harm to you. In fact, I would venture that someone that wanted to hurt you would probably not be so brazen as to ring your bell.

In other news, you are a terrific parent sending your son out there to explore what you feared. You are an even better citizen for sending our police out there to locate this dangerous perp. We can all sleep better tonight. And by tonight I mean at 11 pm. That is when it is really dark.

Dear unknown scared man: the next time someone rings your bell, ignore it. Or, if the noise scares you, disable it. That is what we did.* We have no idea who is on our porch and we like it that way.

In other news, who didn't think of this song when they read this post?

*Actually ours has never worked. Then again, we have never tried to fix it, have we?

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

And Then the REAL Dani Came Out

I have been at the new office for just over 6 months now. I may not have told you I got a new job, but I did shortly after I had my gallbladder removed. I love the new office and the people I work with, which is always a plus. I do miss some of the people that I used to work with, but we try to stay in touch.

Anyway, as those of you that have had more than one job know, when you start at a new place you tend to be quieter, more reserved at first. The same is true of me. Although right now I know some people reading this are probably screaming "LIAR" at the screen. I said MORE reserved, not totally reserved. Later, though, at some point, you feel comfortable enough and the real you comes out. That happened to me with my new colleagues just the other day.

I went to lunch with three other female attorneys. There was a wait and we had to give our to the host who said it would be a 10-15 minute wait. Then a party of 3 came in and gave their name. Then a part of 2 came in and the host SAT THEM AT A TABLE FOR FOUR. So I started to get a wee bit irritated. Then the host took 4 menus and put them at a table of four without taking anyone there. I looked at a woman in the party of 3 and said "is he seating invisible people now?" She just shrugged while also looking perplexed. The host then came over and SAT THE PARTY OF 3 that came in after us. I truly thought my head was going to explode! The minute he came near me, I lunged toward him with my finger out and growled "I ASSUME we will be seated now." My coworkers were shocked and amazed. The host? Not so much. Do you know what he said?

"I already have a table for you."

Um, where would that be exactly or do we have to psychically find it I wonder? He then points at the table where he put the menus. Now how in the heck were we supposed to know that we were to sit there when the HOST did not seat us? A woman from my office asked "are you going to walk us there" at which point I muttered "apparently NOT" and led the way to the table.

That, my friends, is the real Dani.* She's back. She's bitchy. And she's been storing pent up rage and incredulous disdain for MONTHS.

Watch out.

*Actually, it is Stage 1 Real Dani. Stage 2 would probably have involved another head explosion after the host pointed to "our table" and perhaps some cursing. Okay. Definitely some cursing. Stage 2 has not yet been revealed.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Christmas in the Village

Our town has a main street. It is not called main street, but it is the main street in our town. Wow! That was redundant. In any event, around this time of the year, the town puts up lights all up and down that street and they are awfully pretty.

After driving by the lights a billion times, I finally decided that you all needed to see them, so I convinced B to drive me down there. Well, actually, I really wanted a Starbucks and pretended to want to see the lights. Okay. Fine. B really need to take back cans from our party so I pretended I wanted to see the lights, but I really wanted a Starbucks. Chai tea latte rules every time.

While we were there, we took the following pictures with the super cool "warm" mode I have found on my camera. That isn't what it is called and I don't know its true purpose, but I like it anyhow.

I am not sure if that arm above is B's or some stranger who was wondering why I was taking a picture of his arm. Some of these were taken before B joined me. Not many, though. I felt stupid. Somehow when B was there "directing" me, it seemed normal and not at all weird.

The giant tree. I think they had a special lighting of this or something. Who knows. I just live here.

Right about here is where some guy with a British accent approached us and said "I am not from here..." I expected the worst* but he just wanted to know if there was a CVS nearby.

Yes, that's B. He had an ulterior motive as well you see. He wanted TCBY. We all have our vices.

Chai tea latte = YUM!

*B had just told me the story of seeing the same guy TWICE who approached him and said he was stranded and needed money to get back home. TWICE. B said "I saw you here just two weeks ago. What have you been doing that whole time?" The guy changed tactics and tried to bond with B. They were at a gas station.

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