And Then I Rescued a Dog That Was Not in Need

So the other day I thought I was a hero. You see, I rescued a dog. Me! Not B, but me! Me!

I was driving to meet my family for breakfast when I noticed a small Yorkie in the grass by the road. I waited a minute to see if there was an owner nearby.  When one didn't appear, I rounded the corner and got out of my car. 

The dog was excited to see me and she had tags.  What a score, I thought! I can just quickly return her to her owners. Unfortunately, there were no owner info on the tags, only shot info and she appeared to be very far from home. I scooped her up and off we went.

She had no chip when scanned by the vet.  They called her vet, but it was closed for another half hour. I decided to take her home to get her some water. It was then that my neighbor pulled up and said "THANK GOD!"

It was his father's dog that he was watching.

I "rescued" my neighbor's dog.

Rescue fail.

How was I supposed to know? Well, in that moment of revelation, a few things collided in my mind at once:

• B told me the neighbor was watching his dad's dog and that Nevada was obsessed with it, but when I asked him what kind he only said "small."
• My neighbor was out when I left the house in his backyard.
• The dog was on his property outside the backyard.
• I briefly thought about asking the neighbor if he knew whose dog it was, but just figured it was too far from home for him to know.

Lesson learned?  Only dogs that do not need help will approach me. 

 

That Is Not My Coat, Unless It Is My Coat, Then It May Be My Coat

Sometimes I like to act all wifey and take in B's dry cleaning for him. This is usually after he nags me. A lot.  

This was the case recently when B asked me to take his long formal coat in for a dry cleaning. Okay, maybe he asked me the last time he wore it. That would be in the winter. Yes, that season before spring. Ahem.

So I took it in. Eventually I got it out.  The timing of all that is irrelevant to the story. You know what is relevant?  B claimed I came back with a different coat.

I brought his coat home and hung it on our valet in our closet.  It hung there for weeks.  I asked B what he wanted me to do with the coat and he said to put it in the downstairs closet, which I did.  Two days later, I am outside in the garage (hanging out, not working - let's be real), when B came out wondering what I did with his coat:

B: Where's my coat?

Me: In the front closet.

B: No, it's not.

Me: Yes it is. I put it there myself.

B:  NO, IT'S NOT.

Me: Oh, right. Someone came, broke into our house, left no evidence, AND ONLY STOLE YOUR COAT. I forgot.

Then I stalked to the closet and pulled out his coat with a big triumphant swoosh while saying in my head "Voila!".  B then insisted the coat was not his. We both looked at the coat, and I remarked "Um, what?"

Then B started saying a bunch of words all at once. I recall hearing "small claims court," "expensive," "Ralph Lauren," and "you better do something about this."

Too bad I was going out of town for a couple of days. I left B with the unpleasant task of accusing the dry cleaner of swapping his coat for a shorter, lighter and less expensive coat.

However, before that could happen, we revisited the issue. I had convinced B it might be a girl's coat. This struck me as funny.  He decided to try it on. Guess what?

It fit.

And it looked like his coat.

And when I asked him to check inside for a size, guess what he found?

A Ralph Lauren patch on the inside man's pocket.

Guess who didn't go back to the dry cleaners after all?

   

*B would like to say that this blog don't write itself as if he intentionally created the above scenario.

**This occurred before I started writing the blog again, so yeah.


Three years ago today:  Piss and Pine? Sounds Like a Candy...

Survey Says...This Is the Most Ridiculous Answer Yet

I like to answer surveys in my spare time.  Typically I get points that I can turn into gift cards or cash.  It takes forever to get a reward, but I don't mind. It only takes about a half hour a week or so.  Usually I don't meet the criteria. I think I am getting old. B likes to make fun of my "second job" and will say things like "Nice making $3.00 for an hour's worth of your time."  Well, that is $3 he doesn't have, right? Also, I multitask while answering.

So as to the point of this post, sometimes the survey givers like to make sure you are paying attention. They will throw in some question like "pick answer B."  I am quite adept at spotting those and moving through. However, the other day, one particular question and, more specifically the answers, made me do a double take:

Which of the following major life events have occurred within your immediate family (you or your parents, spouse, or children) within the last six months:

An engagement 

A wedding

Retirement

Graduation from college

The birth of a child

The purchase of a new home

Traveled to outer space

None of these

Did you read that bolded answer?  "Traveled to outer space" seems like a logical response to "What have you done in the last six months?"  Are you kidding me? 

I am curious. How does one go about traveling to outer space? Is it only through alien abduction or the Space Shuttle? What about now that the Space Shuttle has been put out of service? More importantly, you know that a LOT of people chose that as an answer and not in an ironic kind of way. WAY too many people.

That reminds me of a segment on a morning radio show recently that challenged its listeners to find one of them that had actually had contact with an alien.  There was the usual bright lights, weirdly shaped floating football shaped flying machines and almond eyed aliens at the end of beds.  Then there was the lady who posed this question:

If these aliens are so advanced, why do they only visit and not stick around?

I am pretty sure the answer is contained within the question, don't you think? 

Crime Watch Wednesday - You Can't Ring My Bell, Even If I Asked You To

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday brings us yet another tale of a suspicious man that turns out not to be all that suspicious after all.  It was just about this time last year that I brought you the story of the man who thought he was going to be murdered because someone had the audacity to ring his bell?  This one is even worse, folks.

A woman reported a suspicious looking man possibly attempting to break into her house around lunch time. She told police that he was knocking on her door and she was afraid that was the gateway action to actually breaking in. When police responded and demanded identification from the man, it turns out he was the woman's insurance agent and was there for an appointment that the woman had just made the day before. His story was confirmed with the woman. There is no indication as to whether she actually purchased insurance that day.

I know I was harsh on the first guy last year. Ignore your doorbell, no one is murdering you and so on. This woman?  She made an appointment THE DAY BEFORE.  Since she made the appointment, I can only assume she knew WHAT TIME HE WAS COMING. Therefore, she should have know the man KNOCKING ON HER DOOR was the guy SHE INVITED OVER.

Maybe I am asking for too much here?

Also, I have never had an insurance salesman even offer to come to my office let alone my house. I remember one time I had to sign some official paper crap (seriously not even necessary) and they wanted me to drive over an hour on my "lunch hour" to their office. Um, hi! I am your customer.  Could you perhaps do something to accomodate me?

Yep. Still bitter.

It Wouldn't Be Thanksgiving Unless There Was a Roast

No, we didn't eat roast on Thanksgiving, but we sure had one.  As we finished eating, B started telling story after story. About ME.  Seriously.  One after the other. Non. Stop.

It started with the story about how I made mustard chicken once. That was followed by the time I cut my finger on a can of corn.  That segwayed to the time he did not believe I needed to go to the hospital, but oh yeah, my appendix needed to come out.  And my gallbladder.  Then he somehow started talking about the time I locked myself out of the house.  

It was starting to sound like a bad blog regurgitation/stand up comedy routine.  Except these people didn't know that I had a blog, so it sounded like a "let's make fun of Dani on this holiday upon which we give thanks."  

COME UP WITH YOUR OWN MATERIAL, B!

Just kidding.  In fact, sometimes I think B practically writes this blog, he just doesn't know it. In fact, he sparked the whole conversation my family had at the now annual Thanksgiving day breakfast. What would that be?

The zombie apocalypse of course.

B told me about his friend who is fully prepared for said apocalypse and even shared his extensive plan WITH HIS CHILDREN.

I decided this must be discussed at breakfast despite the fact that my brother and father do not share my love for zombies.  Can I tell you that zombies are now the great conversation equalizer? It is the truth. Bring it up and people will join in.  Just the other day I said to my coworkers "The zombie apocalypse is coming and I fear I am not prepared."  People immediately offered ideas and banded together against this purely fictionalized idea.  Zombies. Bringing people together while scaring the living shit out of them.

So what did my family accomplish during Thanksgiving breakfast?  Check this out:

• B would live on an island so the zombies wouldn't get to him.
• His friend thinks zombies could just walk under the water and get him.
• My dad says no one, even dead people, can walk under water without their heads being crushed from the pressure.
• My brother says crushing heads is an effective way to kill a zombie.
• I ponder why there are no zombie animals.
• B says because the zombies cannot catch them.
• My brother says it is due to noncommunicable transfer - kind of like dogs and cats not being able to have sex.
• My brother is smart.
• The zombies will want his brain first.
• Do zombies pick and choose brains or is it all just meat?
• Why do zombies eat brains anyway?
• Finally, my mom wants to know when we are going to start talking about vampires.

You should hear what we discuss on Christmas.

October: The Fall of Temperatures , The Rise of Monsters, and the Riddle of All Ages

October is here! October is my favorite time of the year.  It brings giant pumpkins like so:

I can't wait to carve these like last year's.  So much fun.  October also brings monsters. Check these out:

Why yes, those are scary bobbles.  Why yes they are special Halloween edition bobbles of Star Wars characters. How fun is that? We have zombie Stormtrooper, werewolf Chewbacca and evil Yoda. I am just missing Darth Vadar, but I will get him this weekend.

In other news, remember when I saw that werewolf walking down the street?  Well, he looked kind of like Chewbacca up there. Also I saw him again while on the phone with my mom so now she can vouch for me. Well, she didn't see him but she did hear me scream "IT IS THE WEREWOLF GUY BUT THIS TIME HIS SHIRT IS CLOSED." Hell, I think werewolf guy heard me. In fact, I can almost guarantee this since I saw him yesterday walking down the street carrying a gas can and he looked RIGHT AT ME even though I was far away.  I am not sure yet what this means.

Other things that have happened since October began? The temperature dropped like crazy. We are freezing. Yet it is October so we don't want to turn on the heat. Hell, even I think it is too early. I am now attempting to keep warm by candlelight. Guess what? That doesn't work. At all.  Good thing it is supposed to be 80 on Saturday. Damn weather.

I also got a speeding ticket.  First one in MANY years and second one ever. Yes, I did have an immediate thought of running again, but decided against it.  Maybe in 15 more years I won't even think about running. Ha.  Also, could you give a girl a break? Apparently no. I wanted to shout I AM A GOOD DRIVER!!! But since I got pulled over that wouldn't seem entirely true would it?

I also had a first in my professional career the other day. A deposition in a church.  I have had some strange deps in my life (a post should really be done on that), but a church? I had visions of the videographer aiming toward the altar and the witness seated under a giant cross with Jesus insuring she told the truth.  Then I somehow turned that into a haunted church and walked around the house with a blanket over my head telling B that I was going to depose a ghost.  He looked at me like I was nuts, but who decided the next morning to talk about how difficult the dep would be if the person just kept saying "Booooo"? That is why we are in love people.

Speaking of ghosts, my main computer might have died. B thinks I killed it.  Perhaps because two others have gone to premature graves. I know that I am the common denominator but it is an Apple! It is not like I am running around getting viruses and things.  One has to wonder though, why do the computers just happen to break AFTER the warranty expires?

Riddle me that, people.

Crime Watch Wednesday - Special Mom Edition - You Play Cards, I'll Get the Cat

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday comes from my Mom's hood. This story shows that you can never really trust anyone, especially stangers that you invite to your house to play cards.

A woman reported that her very valuable and ugly hairless sphinx cat was stolen after she had friends over to play cards. She suspects the one person that she didn't really know but met through a mutual friend. Througout the night the man commented on how valuable her hairless furball was. Later when she and another group of friends were in another room, the man and the sphinx both went missing. She then called him but he denied taking the cat.

Well, this is a real stumper.  Does anyone else see this as a very special episode of Law & Order?  I mean, what could have happened.  We know the following:

1. The woman had people at her house.
2. One of these people were not like the others.
3. Stranger danger.
4. Said stranger liked her cat.
5. A lot.
6. Her cat was an extra special very expensive ugly as hell cat.
7. Said stranger somehow knew this.
8. Said stranger kept remarking about the value of ugly cat.
9. Woman leaves stranger alone with cat.
10. Cat goes missing.
11. Stranger goes missing.

I wonder what could have happened? Also, does anyone else wonder how she had the stranger's phone number?  Such a mystery. Of course he denied taking the cat. Why would he admit it? Those criminals! Such liars. 

One final thought - Do you think that if the police went to the stranger's house they would find a hairless cat in a wig and the stranger standing their shrugging like "What? That's not the same cat!"

What's That Spammer? You Want to Give Me Money as a Woman of the Day? Thanks! Wait. What?

I recently received the following spam email. At my work email address, no less. I must say that this is one of the funniest I have received in a while. I should also let you know that the subject was "Dear In-Christ." Of course, that is what caught my eye. Of course, I have absolutely no idea what that means. Since when has that ever stopped me?

For your viewing and deciphering pleasure:

Dear Sir/Madam,

My name is Mrs Doris C. E, am 75yrs old of age, i stay in new york city, USA.I am a good merchant, I have several industrial companies and good share in various banks in the world.I spend all my life on investment and coporate business. all the way ilost my husband and two beautiful kids in fatal accident that occur in november 5th 2003.

I am a very greedy woman with all cost i dont know much and care about people, since when I have an experience of my it difficult to sleep and give rest. later in the year 2006 febuary i was sent a letter of medical check up, as my personal doctor testify that i have a lung cancer, which can easily take off my life soon. I found it uneasy to survive myself, because a lot of my investment cannot be run and manage by me again.I quickly call up a pastor/prophet to give me positive thinking on this solution, as my adviser. He minister to me to share my properties ,wealth, to motherless baby/orphanage homes/people that need money for survivor both student that need money/ business woman and man for their investment and for future rising.

So therfore i am writing this letter to people who are really need help from me both student in college, to contact me urgently. so that i can make available preparation on that.especially women of the day, who are divorcedby their husband, why they cannot survive the mist of feeding theirself.

please contact me and stop weeping. probably let me now what you really need the money for, and if you can still help me to distribute money to nearest orhanages homes near your town.now am so much with God, am now born again.May the lord bless you, as you reach me,please to remind you,dont belongs to scammers or any act of fraudlent on internet. I will give more information to you as i await your response immediately to this email address.

I have removed her name and email address for fear that you would be persuaded by this finely written and moving request to accept one billion dollars. I don't know about you, but when I hear about a very greedy woman who tragically lost her family that she didn't care about and then was told she was dying and didn't have much time FOUR YEARS ago and now wants to give me her fortune because I may be a (1) a motherless baby, (2) orphanage home, (3) people that need money for survivor, (4) both student that need money, and (5) business woman for my future rising, I must take advantage of such offer. It also doesn't hurt that I am a (1) woman of the day, (2) divorced by my husband, (3) that cannot survive in the mist of feeding myself. It is almost like she knows me!

So, tell me...how exactly can one be a motherless baby? Even if your mother isn't around, she still exists, unless she was killed in a car accident in 2003 and then that is just tragic. However, I doubt a baby can type. If it can, it don't need your damn money lady. It is also awfully nice of her to offer money to the producers of Survivor (although they don't need it), the two students that need money and the business woman who apparently is dead, but will rise again? Maybe that is what she meant with the subject of "in-christ."

Well, that is all. I cannot go on with this post any longer as I am waiting for The Mist (great movie) so I can survive and feed myself. Maybe then I can stop weeping.

I am awfully hungry right now.

*Spell check had a field day with that letter. I left it as I received it. For autenticity reasons, of course. The humor was just a bonus.

Tales From the Courthouse: Presentation is Everything, Until You Forget What You Are Presenting

As I sit here preparing for my court appearance tomorrow, I reminded of the nonsense I witnessed last week.

As usual, we were all crowded on small benches in the dreary hallway, waiting for the almost indiscernible sound of the courtroom door unlocking. Heard only by dogs -- and lawyers, naturally. Although the legal world is large, the world of lawyers that actually go to court are quite small. You see the same people time and time again. Naturally, camaraderie and inside jokes develop.

So when a woman gets wheeled down the hall on a gurney, strapped down, accompanied by two EMS personnel, an attorney says "That's not good" with a cynical chuckle. Another ponders if it is one of our colleague's clients.

However, when the gurney stops at the bathroom, and the woman, immediately after becoming unstrapped jumps off the gurney light as air and runs inside easy as can be, we all stare in disbelief. In fact, I say to the guy across from me "Did she just....", as he answers "Yes. Yes, she did." To think, I thought I have seen it all.

She is then heard yelling in the bathroom "I know law more than you do!" I am going to have to respectfully disagree lady. Presentation is everything and even though the gurney and the neck collar were a good start, the free moving limbs and sprite movements completely destroy the picture you are trying to create.

As she was wheeled away, we heard her mumble "This medication is making me crazy. I need to talk to an attorney about this"

That's not all you need to talk about.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring...

If Somewhere a Dog Coughs, Does a Cat Sneeze?

So, Jersey is sick again. Nothing major this time. Just a little cold. A little cold that manages to leave her hacking like a 90 year old and then spitting up various fluids like a baby. Oh, did I mention that sometimes she does it on you? So gross. Usually it is just on the blankets. We have been washing them a lot.

After about a week of Jersey hacking, coughing and spitting everywhere, Brad started getting sniffles and wheezes. It was like some weird domino effect that didn't make sense. A discussion ensued:

B: I think Jersey got Brad sick.
Me: A dog can't get a cat sick.
B: Why not? They are both animals.
Me: We are all animals. If that is the case, we would all be having sex.
B: I saw a movie like that once.
Me: Ha! Me too.

Now, you are probably thinking to yourself "What on earth does having sex have to do with getting sick?" Obviously you have never had a one nightstand. But, here, the point I was trying to make is that some animals are not compatible whether it is by passing on illnesses or by being able to reproduce. Unfortunately I kind of missed that connection in the conversation. Luckily, B was able to make the connection. That is why we are in love.

Or he just likes to think about movies where people have sex with animals.

So gross.

*I swear dogs can sleep anywhere!

Crime Watch Wednesday: Of Course it is Valuable, I Use it to Wipe my Ass!

...and we're back!*

Finally, the moment you have all been waiting for...another Crime Watch Wednesday edition. To ring this year in right, albeit three months, late, let me tell you the tale of a woman to whom money means nothing. Literally.

You see, our friend, had a wee bit too much to drink and decided to make her way out of the parking lot. The problem? She had to pay first. No problem for this gal. After all, she had a baby wipe.

Yes, she tried to pay her parking fee with a baby wipe.

The employee called her "confused." The police called her "drunk." I think the police were on to something considering she (1) backed her car into a parked vehicle, (2) didn't know her name, (3) couldn't speak, (4) stated she had several drugs at home that she needed to get rid of, (5) blew more than three times the legal limit for alcohol.

Oh, and she mistook a babywipe for money. A babywipe. You know what this means, right?

She has a child.

Also? She is borderline genius. Why genius? Because babywipes are thick like money and feel gritty too. Why borderline? Because they are WET.

In other news, I have elected to travel around with a large supply of Puffs with Lotion. Why, you ask? They are thicker than regular kleenex and when grouped together can look like a wad of cash. They are also very soothing. Allergies? Check. Parking fees? Check.

Genius.

*Users of Gmail should recognize this saying. It always pops up in the status/chat section. Even if you didn't know it was gone, it will remind you that it is back. Google is nice that way.

This Doesn't Sound Like a Very Good Horoscope

The other day, I found this horoscope in my email box. At first it sounded delightful:

You are on the brink of something fantastic, DANIELLE, so just hang in there a little bit longer. It could be that you feel like the little train engine who is slowly working her way up the mountain. Perhaps you have made compromises and sacrifices along the way in order to get where you are. Just keep going. Pretty soon you will top the crest, and the rest of the journey will be all downhill. The tremendous work you have put in will pay off generously.

Wait.

"The rest of the journey will be all downhill."

Downhill? Doesn't that sound...um, bad? Like, "oh, it's all downhill from here" [insert sad face].

I mean, really. Who wants to "top the crest" only to fall all the way down. Can't I stay on that crest for a while?

Lessons learned:

1. Hard work does NOT pay off.
2. Crests are temporary.
3. Being at the top means you are going to fall.
4. Downhill = bad
5. Horoscopes are stupid.

Crime Watch Wednesday: Ring My Bell at Your Own Risk

Remember the last time I posted a Crime Watch Wednesday? My OWN Crime Watch Wednesday that never made it into our crime watch chronicles despite how amazingly hilarious it was? Well, yes, I am still bitter. Why? Because instead of my awesome misdelivered package/horror story/the call is coming from ACROSS THE STREET debacle, the chronicles have just chosen something utterly stupid.

Now I know you are asking yourself - "Really? How could someone calling the cops over a misdelivered package with the recipeint's phone number on it NOT be the dumbest thing ever to call your town's cops about?" Well, readers, let me introduce you to the guy who doesn't know what a doorbell is for:

A local resident recently called the police after someone rang his doorbell. He told police that he was not expecting anyone and, thus, he found the ringing of his doorbell to be a huge breach of security. Apparently the alleged perp a/k/a person ringing the doorbell had not received the resident's security policy. The man was also disturbed because it was 6:00 pm and past his bedtime. Before calling the cops, the man was nice enough to send his son outside to see if there was a burglar or murderer out there. However, no one was seen. The police also attempted to locate the doorbell ringer with no luck.

Someone rang his doorbell. HIS DOORBELL. Why else would you have a doorbell? Hell, if you are expecting someone, then you could just open the door when they arrive with no need for a doorbell. DOORBELLS ARE FOR STRANGERS TO ALERT YOU THAT THEY ARE ON YOUR PORCH. Generally, they mean no harm to you. In fact, I would venture that someone that wanted to hurt you would probably not be so brazen as to ring your bell.

In other news, you are a terrific parent sending your son out there to explore what you feared. You are an even better citizen for sending our police out there to locate this dangerous perp. We can all sleep better tonight. And by tonight I mean at 11 pm. That is when it is really dark.

Dear unknown scared man: the next time someone rings your bell, ignore it. Or, if the noise scares you, disable it. That is what we did.* We have no idea who is on our porch and we like it that way.

In other news, who didn't think of this song when they read this post?

*Actually ours has never worked. Then again, we have never tried to fix it, have we?

Crime Watch Wednesday: Why Steal Valuables When You Can Just Eat Turkey?

This week's crime watch chronicles comes courtesy of my Mom. Yep, I now have the whole family involved. Mom wants to point out that she has stupid criminals where she lives too. She is right. Take a gander:

A woman was the victim of a hungry thief. Upon arriving home to her apartment, the woman found that someone had entered her apartment and ate some turkey and cheese out of her refrigerator. There were no broken windows. The door was locked at the time. The woman stated that she had lost her keys in the utility room several weeks prior and never changed the locks.

Okay, let's review. You come home to find all the windows and doors locked. The ONLY thing missing is some turkey and some cheese from your fridge. Do you immediately think it was a criminal? Or do you blame your roommate? Perhaps wonder if you ate too much the night before? I am pretty sure that leaving unmarked keys in a utility room is not going to give enough information for the thief to know which apartment you live in. Also, if you lost your keys and did not have your locks changed, how are YOU getting into the apartment?

You know what I think? I think it was the maintenance people. It is always the maintenance people.** I, too, have a similar, but entirely different story related to this one.

One time I lived in this mid rise apartment where my garbage disposal always smelled like something died in it. I used lemons. I used soap. I used special garbage disposal cleaner. Nothing helped. Finally I told the manager she had to do something about it. I was promised something would be done.

One day after that, I came home to my locked apartment on the 12th floor to find my refrigerator unplugged, and a set of tools lying on my kitchen floor. Clearly, the maintenance man had been there and left, without his tools, and without plugging my fridge back in. Your guess is as good as mine as to why he unplugged it in the first place. Regardless, my food was no longer cold and I was steaming mad.

So I storm down to find the manager. The woman proceeds to tell me that there is a new manager that has taken over and gives me his apartment number. Immediately upon him opening the door I angrily wonder why the maintenance people left before completing their job and, more importantly, left all my food to spoil.

Manager: Are you sure it was maintenance?

Me: Am I sure it was maintenance?

Me: I CALLED for maintenance.

Me: There are TOOLS on my kitchen floor.

Me: Who the f*** do you think it was?

Manager: It could have been thieves.

Me: Thieves?

Me: It could have been THIEVES?

Me: What the f*** were they stealing????

Me: And why were they attempting to fix my garbage disposal???

Manager: We have had a bunch of thefts of fire extinguishers lately.

Me: Have you lost your ever loving mind???

Me: HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?

Me: These were not THIEVES.

Me: Tell you maintenance people they have until tomorrow to get their tools or they are mine.

Miraculously the tools were gone when I came home.

The thieves must have been listening.

* I just realized there is no first asterisk. You may now proceed to the second asterisk. Do not stop. Do not collect $200. However, if you have $200, please give it to me. I am in Vegas you know. I am broke.

**My apologies to maintenance people who are not thieves. That is probably almost all of you. You are easy to blame though. So are cleaning people who eat lunches. Except they don't. WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE LUNCH EATERS. Ahem.

***I have a foul mouth. This guy did not. He was scared of me. I liked it that way.

If You Don't Cooperate, I am Sending the Lion After You

We are in the waiting room for blood draws only.

You are in your dress pants, dress shoes and undershirt, having already removed you dress shirt, suit jacket and top coat in anticipation of having your blood drawn.*

So when the nurse comes to the door and calls you name, you look more than a little bit foolish when you look up and answer "What?" as if you have no clue why she is there.**

On another note, is a sexy lion costume really appropriate for a doctor's office or any office for that matter?

Halloween brings out all of the freaks.***

*I typically do not completely undress to get blood drawn from my ARM, but that's just me.****

**The appropriate response is to smile and/or say "yes", as you get up and move toward the nurse. It is not proper to just sit there with your newspaper saying "what" repeatedly. Take note half dressed man!

***Or is that a full moon? I can't keep this straight.

****I also do not get undressed in common waiting areas. Again, that's just me.

Crime Watch Wednesday: Fanning the Flame of Friendship

This week's Crime Watch Chronicles brings us the story of a friendship gone bad and a crime that didn't quite take:

A former friend was found to be a suspect in an attempted arson. A woman came home to find a small puddle of liquid, thought to be lighter fluid, and a burned cigarette under the front tire of her vehicle. Around that same time the woman received a text message from her former friend, who had been harassing her and threatening her for weeks, that read:

"I tried to light on fire ur shit"

Yes, yes you did. You tried to light on fire the woman's shit. But you didn't. You know what else you did? You ADMITTED TO A CRIME. And you did so via a poorly worded text message. That is traceable to your phone number. Apparently, also the phone number used to harass and threaten this same woman for weeks. Now the police are asking for any additional information, but the truth is? They have all of the information they need. They have:

• your name
• your phone number
• your CONFESSION

You didn't start the fire, babe, but you are still going to get burned.

Case closed.

On a side note, who the hell attempts to start a fire, fails, and then announces the ridiculous attempt to their enemy. That would be like firing an arrow at a person while standing behind a tree and then after missing jumping out and yelling "I tried to shoot this arrow through your heart."

No shit, but you didn't.

The Official Legal Argument as to Zombies

I know you are thinking to yourself, how did Dani get the official legal argument on zombies? Does such thing exist? Where did this occur? In court, of course. Silly readers. Where else do legal arguments form? Here's what happened.

After the judge granted my motion without my doing anything beyond uttering my name, I had to make my way back to chambers to get the order entered. I walked in to find the judge's law clerks staring intently at a computer saying such things as "HA HA" and "WHOA." I looked over their shoulders and realized that they were watching the Zombieland trailer. About four minutes later, and after the female attorney behind me had left in disgust, the trailer was over. As the clerks pondered how entertaining and fun that movie will be and where they could find more trailers to watch, one of them happened to see me out of the corner of his eye:

Clerk1: Well, hello.

Me: Hi.

Clerk1: Need to enter an order?

Me: Yep.

Clerk2: How long were you standing there?

Me: For half the trailer.

Clerks collectively: Ohhh....

Me: I think that looks like a good movie, very entertaining.

Clerk2: So you will be going to the premiere?

Me: Probably not the premiere, but at least the movie.

Clerk1: What if the judge orders you to go to the premiere?

Me: What if...the judge...ORDERS me to go to the Zombieland premiere?

Clerk1: Yeah, he likes movies.

Me: But does he like zombies?

Clerk1: I don't know....

Me: Really? Does anyone LIKE zombies? I mean we like to watch movies about zombies but no one is all "Oh I want to be a zombie, those things are cool."

Clerk1: Some people like zombies...

Me: Like who? Everyone likes to watch zombies get killed. Zombies are not fun or nice or cool.

Clerk2: What about Shaun of the Dead.

Me: What about it?

Clerk2: His friend in the end was a cool zombie.

Me: Well, he's the exception.

And then I left with my order.

In other news, for those that like zombies, you can now have your very own lawn ornament. How cool would this look? I am going to convince B we need to buy it.

Lawn ornament - $89.95

Shipping - $15.25

Faces of our neighbors when the wonder who the hell let us buy in this neighborhood? Priceless

Zombie of Montclair Moors (from SkyMall of course!)

Crime Watch Wednesday: Where There's Fire, There's a Toothbrush?

This week's crime chronicles brings us the harrowing story of officers successfully putting out a fire started in our neighborhood:

Officers responded to a fire inside a home. They discovered it was a burning electric toothbrush in a second floor bathroom. An officer unplugged it and extinguished the fire. The officers had to gain entry to the fire source using fire axes.

Um, okay. There is a fire. It is a fire from an electric toothbrush. One officer is able to unplug it and extinguish the fire, yet somehow they all had to use axes and chop the place up to get in there? Could they not have, I don't know? TURNED THE DOOR HANDLE? I bet the door wasn't even shut. I bet they were chopping through a plaster wall outside the bathroom when an officer said "hey guys, look I found the source. It is the toothbrush right over here WHERE THE FIRE IS."

Our tax dollars at work here, folks.

A PB and What?

Anyone that follows me on Twitter knows that I love me some Potbelly's. And for those that do not follow me, what are you waiting for?

Anyway, I haven't been to Potbelly's much since the gallbladder removal and since I moved to a new office, but when I was going there I found a new/old sandwich to fall in love with - the PB&J. Yummy goodness. Yes it is merely peanut butter and grape jelly on a big sandwich roll, but it is toasted and oozes goodness. Makes me feel like a kid again.

So, one day, while I was sitting there eating my extremely awesome but utterly messy sandwich I find this guy staring at me. He was one half of a couple sitting nearby. After looking right at me and right at my sandwich, he turns to his other half and says:

"What is a PB&J? Is that just peanut butter and jelly? I wanted to try that but I chickened out."

First, what else would a PB&J be? Second, he was LOOKING RIGHT AT ONE so he knows damn well it is just peanut butter and jelly.

He's right though. It must be really scary to try a sandwich that shares the same name as a sandwich you grew up with and should be familiar to you as opposed to, I don't know, something called a "Wreck" full of any number of processed meats and cheeses.

Baby steps, dude. Baby steps.

Have You Seen Katie?

The day of the big yard sale event, in between driving around town and picking things up that B "spotted", I heard a lot of yelling on my street. Everyone was looking for Katie. Who is this Katie, I wondered?

Katie is a dog.* More specifically, Katie is the dog that belongs to our neighbors across the street. The ones, who if you will remember, had a previous dog that was killed "tragically", but apparently that does not prevent them from letting the new dog roam around at will and get lost. So began a lot of yelling and a lot of searching. The dad got on his bike and took off down the road. On my way back from one of my many B trips, I saw the dad on his bike just moseying along with a slight grin on his face and wondered if he let Katie loose on purpose. Later I heard the daughter standing in her doorway moaning and wondering if Katie was on the "bad part of town"**.

Then Katie just walked right up to the porch.

Crisis averted.

Until the other day when B yells at me to come down and bring my phone. I go downstairs to find him holding a small dog. He tells me he found the dog in the yard and it has tags. I remark that it kind of looks like the dog from across the street belonging to the Goldsmiths. However, I wasn't sure and the tags didn't say. So I call the number:

Man: Hello?

Me: Did you lose your dog?

Man: Did she get out of the crate again?

Me: Well, I don't know about that, but she is standing in my living room.

I then proceeded to give him my address.

Meanwhile the cats are curious, scared and curious. They are intently staring down the basement stairs. The dog is in the living room.

I look out the window and sure enough there is Mr. Goldsmith wandering down the street in the opposite direction from our house, you know the address I gave him. I yell out and he retrieves his dog and says "she is always getting out." No kidding.

And guess who was out the very next day? I predict another tragedy.

*who names their dog Katie? Really?

**the "bad part of town" is a couple of blocks over across a main road. I dont know if the bad part of town is equally bad for dogs or just people, but I am thinking that I would be a bit more concerned about the main road and cars than possible criminal activity.