And On the Seventh Day, She Rested a/k/a Garage Sale Hangover

Garage sales are hard.

Garage sales sound like a good idea.

Garage sales are exhausting.

They are also a people watching dream come true.  Here are some examples of what I saw and can remember:

• The guy who wanted to tell us how to place our signs, how we were losing "half of our customer base" due to which way the sign was facing, and how our signs were failing to do their job. When asked how he found out about the sale? "I followed a sign."
• The scary looking man who was swinging a sword around and testing a rifle by aiming it at the sky. He looked insane and I fully expected to have the federal government declare a code orange on our sale. Note: Gun was NOT loaded and no ammunition was nearby.
• Same scary man paid for a $15 item with $12 in cash and $3 in change.
• Then he bought something for a $1 in quarters in dimes.
• Then he pulled out pennies for an old hammer.
• Then he asked if he could use the hammer as a tenderizer.
• Then he said he would just chuck the hammer and run.
• The woman who wanted to buy everything for 10 cents no matter what it was marked for.  She would tell me how much less it was priced at the store and I would tell her to get over to the store and get it.
• She also wanted to have the last word - "have a good day. YOU have a good day" and so on.  When she said see you next year, I seriously considered not only NOT having a garage sale, but actually moving.
• The guy who came both days on his bike and asked for a glass of ice water.

Also, my mother is too kind hearted to have a garage sale and I am not sure she understands how it works despite the numerous ones we have attended ourselves. (LOVE  YOU MOM).  She:

• Bought a high ticket item from our sale despite my assertions that THAT IS NOT ALLOWED.
• She wanted to loan a stranger $2 to buy something else.
• When a woman broke one of a collection of 5 cups, she wanted to give her the rest free because she felt bad.

Also.  People will return to ask about an item they didn't buy. They will do this at 11:00 a.m. the next day when you are not having a garage sale. You will be in your pajamas wondering who is at the door.  You will only answer because you see a baby stroller and think it is a neighbor. It will be the lady that broke something and whom your Mom felt bad about. She will feel bad and have pondered all night about the beauty of the remainder of the set. You will not have the heart to tell her you donated all leftovers. You will tell her it sold.  For A LOT OF MONEY.

Maybe Mom does know best.

Also, for what we made, I estimate we each averaged $.50 an hour in wages.

I quit.

 

That Is Not My Coat, Unless It Is My Coat, Then It May Be My Coat

Sometimes I like to act all wifey and take in B's dry cleaning for him. This is usually after he nags me. A lot.  

This was the case recently when B asked me to take his long formal coat in for a dry cleaning. Okay, maybe he asked me the last time he wore it. That would be in the winter. Yes, that season before spring. Ahem.

So I took it in. Eventually I got it out.  The timing of all that is irrelevant to the story. You know what is relevant?  B claimed I came back with a different coat.

I brought his coat home and hung it on our valet in our closet.  It hung there for weeks.  I asked B what he wanted me to do with the coat and he said to put it in the downstairs closet, which I did.  Two days later, I am outside in the garage (hanging out, not working - let's be real), when B came out wondering what I did with his coat:

B: Where's my coat?

Me: In the front closet.

B: No, it's not.

Me: Yes it is. I put it there myself.

B:  NO, IT'S NOT.

Me: Oh, right. Someone came, broke into our house, left no evidence, AND ONLY STOLE YOUR COAT. I forgot.

Then I stalked to the closet and pulled out his coat with a big triumphant swoosh while saying in my head "Voila!".  B then insisted the coat was not his. We both looked at the coat, and I remarked "Um, what?"

Then B started saying a bunch of words all at once. I recall hearing "small claims court," "expensive," "Ralph Lauren," and "you better do something about this."

Too bad I was going out of town for a couple of days. I left B with the unpleasant task of accusing the dry cleaner of swapping his coat for a shorter, lighter and less expensive coat.

However, before that could happen, we revisited the issue. I had convinced B it might be a girl's coat. This struck me as funny.  He decided to try it on. Guess what?

It fit.

And it looked like his coat.

And when I asked him to check inside for a size, guess what he found?

A Ralph Lauren patch on the inside man's pocket.

Guess who didn't go back to the dry cleaners after all?

   

*B would like to say that this blog don't write itself as if he intentionally created the above scenario.

**This occurred before I started writing the blog again, so yeah.


Three years ago today:  Piss and Pine? Sounds Like a Candy...

Survey Says...This Is the Most Ridiculous Answer Yet

I like to answer surveys in my spare time.  Typically I get points that I can turn into gift cards or cash.  It takes forever to get a reward, but I don't mind. It only takes about a half hour a week or so.  Usually I don't meet the criteria. I think I am getting old. B likes to make fun of my "second job" and will say things like "Nice making $3.00 for an hour's worth of your time."  Well, that is $3 he doesn't have, right? Also, I multitask while answering.

So as to the point of this post, sometimes the survey givers like to make sure you are paying attention. They will throw in some question like "pick answer B."  I am quite adept at spotting those and moving through. However, the other day, one particular question and, more specifically the answers, made me do a double take:

Which of the following major life events have occurred within your immediate family (you or your parents, spouse, or children) within the last six months:

An engagement 

A wedding

Retirement

Graduation from college

The birth of a child

The purchase of a new home

Traveled to outer space

None of these

Did you read that bolded answer?  "Traveled to outer space" seems like a logical response to "What have you done in the last six months?"  Are you kidding me? 

I am curious. How does one go about traveling to outer space? Is it only through alien abduction or the Space Shuttle? What about now that the Space Shuttle has been put out of service? More importantly, you know that a LOT of people chose that as an answer and not in an ironic kind of way. WAY too many people.

That reminds me of a segment on a morning radio show recently that challenged its listeners to find one of them that had actually had contact with an alien.  There was the usual bright lights, weirdly shaped floating football shaped flying machines and almond eyed aliens at the end of beds.  Then there was the lady who posed this question:

If these aliens are so advanced, why do they only visit and not stick around?

I am pretty sure the answer is contained within the question, don't you think? 

Hackers, Robbers and Fires - Who Can Get Any Work Done Around Here?

So it's been a rough time at the office lately.  I will give you one guess as to what's been happening. Yes, all is revealed in the title. Yes, all of those things happened at my office. In the span of a week. Craziness I tell you.

Monday started off with a warning that our network had stopped an attempted hacking.  Some people had to change their logins and passwords and double secret probation security was put on high alert.  Meanwhile, I wandered around asking why someone would ever want to hack the network of a law firm.

BORING.

Seriously. What will you get there? Boring letters to the court. Boring briefs to the court. There would be no smoking gun. Ever. All of this leads me to believe that it was an inside job by an outside person.

I will give you some time to think about that.

Fast forward to Thursday and I am on may way into the office when I get a phone call telling me not to bother hurrying because our building is on lockdown due to a suspicious person.  That suspicious person? He is called a robber.  He broke into a suite in the early morning hours and then ran away with a safe and some cash trailing behind him like a cartoon.  Another inside job from the outside. I think. I really have no idea about that business.  Luckily by the time I got my daily Starbucks a/k/a Sweet Heaven, all was well and I could get inside.

Fast forward to Friday at lunch.  It was unseasonably warm. I left my jacket in someone else's office.  I packed up my briefcase of work to do at home over the weekend. I was enjoying lunch with other like minded colleagues when one got a phone call. As soon as I heard him say "WHAT?", I just knew it.  "ARE WE LOCKED OUT OF THE BUILDING AGAIN?" Kind of.

Our building was on fire.

No worries. Just an ELECTRICAL fire. We were locked out. Our belongings were locked in. The wind picked up. I spent the next hour and a half driving around the parking lot with some colleagues finding other people to talk to about what was happening. I took a client conference call in the car.  Meanwhile other offices passed their time in different ways.  One group prayed. No one was in danger. Did they really want to go back to work that much? Another group played hackeysack.  Does that even exist anymore? Then some guy broke out a guitar and started playing to a crowd while people taped him on their cellphones. Who the hell brings a guitar to an office building? That guy.

Just as those in charged called it a day, a giant "YAY" came forth from the crowd and we were let back in. Why everyone cheered to be let back into an office on a Friday afternoon when the sun was shining is beyond me.

Also? We could go in but there was no plumbing and only half electrical and no heat.

"YAY."

Sunday Sweats: Surprise! We Were Burgalarized...or Were We?

So this is what I came home to a couple of months ago. Well, actually a lot of a couple of months ago when it was very warm. Sensing a theme? Yes, I am reliving warmer times. I hope Phil is right. I need some spring.

Anyway, I came home, parked the car and headed into the house when I was stopped by this view of our back porch:

Who broke me?

I remembering standing there so confused. My first thought was "Someone tried to break into our house!" I then immediately figured out that was stupid.  Why would someone push in the screen (and unsuccessfully might I add) when they could just open our screen door which is not locked? Also, why would someone break into a screened in back porch, but not the rest of the house?

I then thought someone drove into it. Yes, you read that right. The porch faces our yard which faces a fence which faces the long grassed neighbor's house and then his yard. It would be physically impossible for a car to drive into this porch unless it was a special UFO car.  That did not stop me from looking for tracks or looking quizzically at the long grassed man's yard like he might materialize at any moment and explain this all to me.

Turns out that none of that was the problem. The problem was rotting wood. I would rather have UFOs actually.  And so down came parts of the back porch:

They all fall down.

Guess who had to create new pieces? B. Isn't he a champ?  Want to see rotting wood pieces?

This is rotting wood.

So is this.

And a weird side view of the rotting wood. 

We like to take pictures of rotting wood.

Turns out the porch wasn't level either. Look what B had to do to the bottom just to get the top to work:

That's odd looking.

In the end, it all worked out. I would like to show you pictures, but somehow we cannot find them. Let me just say that B fixed that side piece and all of the front pieces. Maybe I will take pictures in the spring and supplement this post. For now, pretend it is all fixed:

Pretend I am the final version.

Home ownership is a lot of work - B.

*So I totally looked at when I saved this post. May of 2009. Um, more than a couple of months ago or even a couple of couple months ago. We are talking almost two years people. I need to catch up to my photos!

Crime Watch Wednesday - You Can't Ring My Bell, Even If I Asked You To

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday brings us yet another tale of a suspicious man that turns out not to be all that suspicious after all.  It was just about this time last year that I brought you the story of the man who thought he was going to be murdered because someone had the audacity to ring his bell?  This one is even worse, folks.

A woman reported a suspicious looking man possibly attempting to break into her house around lunch time. She told police that he was knocking on her door and she was afraid that was the gateway action to actually breaking in. When police responded and demanded identification from the man, it turns out he was the woman's insurance agent and was there for an appointment that the woman had just made the day before. His story was confirmed with the woman. There is no indication as to whether she actually purchased insurance that day.

I know I was harsh on the first guy last year. Ignore your doorbell, no one is murdering you and so on. This woman?  She made an appointment THE DAY BEFORE.  Since she made the appointment, I can only assume she knew WHAT TIME HE WAS COMING. Therefore, she should have know the man KNOCKING ON HER DOOR was the guy SHE INVITED OVER.

Maybe I am asking for too much here?

Also, I have never had an insurance salesman even offer to come to my office let alone my house. I remember one time I had to sign some official paper crap (seriously not even necessary) and they wanted me to drive over an hour on my "lunch hour" to their office. Um, hi! I am your customer.  Could you perhaps do something to accomodate me?

Yep. Still bitter.

Crime Watch Wenesday - It Probably Isn't Wise to Make Threats on the Phone to Companies that Tape Calls Regularly

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday is proof that it is probably not wise to threaten anyone over the phone.

A man phoned his insurance company and threatened to shoot the employees despite the fact that he did not know who they were and despite the fact that they were actually located in a different state. He was upset about his insurance being cancelled despite the fact that he had stopped paying for it. He threatened to shoot them twice and then followed up with a statement to the effect that they could call the CIA, the FBI or the "asshole in the White House" but he was going to blow someone away.

Whoa, whoa, whoa partner.  You have taken this a bit too far. "Call the CIA"? Like the CIA has a phone number where an insurance company can just dial in and say some lunatic insured is threatening to blow them up. That is not even CIA territory.  

As for the "asshole in the White House," you are going to have to be more specific. You could be talking about anyone from half the Senate, half the Congress or the guy that walks the President's dog. 

Really, though, what is the big deal? You got insurance and then you stopped paying for it and they canceled it. If you want it back PAY FOR IT.  If you don't, go about your business.  Imagine if someone came to your place of business and demanded something without paying for it.  Would you just give it to them if they threatened to shoot you? Or would that be a robbery?  Did you just threaten to rob your insurance company? You know they don't have a giant safe with cash like a bank, right?  That is only in the movies.

Speaking of movies, have you ever seen the movies where the main character's every move is being watched, the government listens in on his phone calls, and inevitably his entire identity is wiped out? I won't go so far to say that your identity will be wiped out dear sir, however, you should note that none of those characters actually threatened anyone. They were just minding their business.

You, on the other hand, have actually threatened people. Over the phone. At an insurance company. Where they routinely tape every call.  I am sure you probably gave them your full name and address too.

Who you gonna call now?

They Know Your Every Step. Especially When You Tell Them Your Every Step. Also, Reindeer Are Super Fast.

So the last time I posted, Brad has escaped but miraculously returned the next morning like a grimy Christmas present.  You will also recall that I had quite the conversation with the delivery place whom we thought were the reason for Brad's Great Escape. Turns out it wasn't so, but in the meantime a strange thing happened. Or so I thought.

After I finished yelling at the operator, she told me that she could tell me which branch delivered my package. I gave her my zip code, she told me what branch and then proceeded to tell me they don't have a phone number. I found this hard to believe but just declared "I WILL JUST GO THERE IN PERSON AND DEMAND TO SPEAK TO MY DRIVER. GOOD DAY!"  

And then I didn't give it anymore thought until I came home, discovered the ripped screen and told B that I didn't think the delivery place had anything to do with it.  I did not tell him, however, that while he was out searching for Brad, the delivery place drove by. He probably would have been angry that I didn't chase the driver down.

The next day after Brad was safe and sound and I was back at the office, I received a text from B indicating that the delivery place had called him and told him that they spoke to the driver who remembers seeing Brad on the catio. B told them not to worry, Brad may have been spooked, got supercat strength and busted out the screen. Not their fault.  Well, not really.

Meanwhile I sat in my office perplexed.  How did the delivery place know to call B? How did they get his number? When I called, I only gave them our zip code. I did not call from B's number. Hell, I didn't even call from my number.  I considered this an amazing show of just HOW GOOD THEIR TRACKING COULD BE. I discussed it a lot with my coworkers and would say things like:

"How did THEY know?"

"Did they just ask EVERY driver if it saw a cat?"

"Did they just narrow down deliveries in that time frame?"

"Did they narrow down deliveries by zip code?"

"Do they have a satellite?"

"Are they watching me RIGHT NOW?"

Yes, I would look up and around the ceiling at that last one.  By the time I got home I was full of conspiracy theories and thought we might have to run like Will Smith in that movie where they were tracking him all over when he mistakenly took a package in a store and the woman behind me in the theater kept gasping at "ALL OF THAT TECHNOLOGY."

So I came home prepared to tell B that we were going to have to pack light and really, how does one go on the lam with three cats and a dog, when B said:

B: What in the hell are you talking about?

Me: The delivery place! They knew to call you! I didn't give them ANY information.  They have satellites. They are watching us.

B; What...what?

Me: HOW DID THEY GET YOUR PHONE NUMBER? HOW DID THEY KNOW TO CALL?

B: I emailed them yesterday.

Me: THEY KNOW EVERYTHING WE DO!!!...wait, what?

B: I. Emailed. Them.

Me: Well, hell, why didn't you tell me that? That makes a lot more sense.

B: Doesn't it?

So the delivery place isn't watching me. Allegedly. They are still suspect. Don't worry though, I am sending Vicky after them.

On a completely different topic, watch the video below. This man's wife literally gets taken by a reindeer and he does NOTHING. He barely moves.

I would like to think if we were in the same situation, B would at least TRY to run after me. However, I may be mistaken. B's response was "reindeer are REALLY fast."  Well, gee thanks. Apparently, I don't have much to worry about though as B assures me I would never be somewhere where I would have to wear a big furry parka, outside in the snow with a reindeer in the vicinity.

He is probably right. Just to be safe, I am going to get one of those kid leashes for us. If the reindeer gets me, he is coming along too. Ha!

Just a Rapper that Doesn't Rap But Boy Does He Know How to Sell

There are always a cast of characters outside the main courthouse. Usually it is homeless guys, but occasionally there are people that are trying to sell you something.  Typically that "something" turns out to be their homemade music CD.  I cannot even imagine what such things sound like.  So far I have been able to contain any impulse buying.  However, I recently met up with quite the salesman.

After crossing the street, I see this guy do a little dance that ends in a flourish and with his one arm out holding a CD.  You know I am a sucker for some street dancing.  So I laughed:

Me: Well, I like your presentation.

Him: Oh, baby I like  YOUR presentation.*

Me: Thank you, I am not interested in your CD.

Him: Are you sure? It has some good rapping.

Me: No thanks.

Him: But they call me the "Nerd Rapper."

Me: Wait! Are you calling me a nerd?

Him: Yes.

Me: Huh. Well I don't like rap.

Him: Me neither. That is why I only rap about important stuff like politics.

Me: I don't much like politics.

Him: Me neither. That's why this is about ufology which is about how aliens are invading our religion.

Me: I don't really believe in aliens.

Him: Me neither. That is why this rap is about education.

Me: You have a comeback for everything, don't you?

Him: Yeah, baby.

I have to give him props for trying and for making me laugh after a very difficult morning in court.

No, I did not buy the rap-that-isn't-rap-but-about-politics-or-aliens-or-education CD.  Probably my loss.

And for no other reason than I mentioned the word "rap" enjoy this funny commerical I only recently saw courtesy of Katelin:

*Yes that was said in a totally "I'm gonna sex you up" way.

Also, it is Not a Birthday Celebration Until Your Husband Threatens Someone with Bodily Harm a/k/a Romance at its Finest

B would like me to point out that my entire birthday was not full of gas problems and starvation. He is right. He took me out to a nice dinner that night. He also decided we should stop at our local big box store to pick up some Coke Zero. I have a drinking problem. He was excited because the cases were on sale for $5.00.

They didn't have any.

The rest of the story is best told through a conversation with my Mom:

Mom: Hi! Done with dinner already?

Me: Yes, we are at the store. B wants to buy some Coke Zero because it is on sale. They do not have any. He just got into a huge argument with a random worker he dragged down the aisle.

Mom: Uh oh.

Me: Yep. He told the guy he just didn't believe there weren't more in the back. This was [insert big named store here]. They had to have more than 5 cases. Then he pointed to the area and made the guy count with him as to how many cases could fit in the empty spot.

Mom: Oh boy.

Me: Yep. Then he told the guy to "grab your two way. We're going in the back." B took the guy in the back to convince him that there are no more cases.

Me: I haven't seen him since.

My Mom and I discuss B's penchant for trouble making for a good 10 minutes.

Me: This is boring.

Mom: I bet.

Me: Oh no!

Mom: What?

Me: The guy is back! Gerry is back but B is nowhere to be found?

Mom: What?

Me: Where is B? WHAT DID HE DO TO B?

Mom: I don't know! Where could he be?

Me: Do you think Gerry killed B? I SAW YOU GO IN THE BACK WITH HIM - THERE IS A WITNESS!

Mom: Are you yelling at the worker? Really?

Me: YES! How else will he know that I can turn him in if B shows up dead somewhere?

Me: How am I even supposed to find B, dead or alive?

Mom: I wonder where he is...

B was safe. The store employees, however, were not. He made his way up to the Assistant Manager who still could not produce any cases of Coke. There was some lame explanation as to how the Coke guy makes deliveries every day. My Mom pointedly stated that delivery five cases of pop a day would seem like a waste of gas. So true. That is why we are not heads of corporations I guess.

The assistant manager did let B get two 12 packs of Coke for $5.00 much to the confusion and bewilderment of the cashier who said "But they are $3.98 each!"

That B. He is getting things done.

Best birthday gift ever.*

*Well, actually, an iPhone would be the best birthday gift ever. Stupid Apple & AT&T - OPEN UP THE IPHONE TO ALL CELLPHONE PROVIDERS.**

**This has been a public service announcement from an avid Apple fan and lifelong Verizon lover.

***You are welcome.

Crime Watch Wednesday: Ring My Bell at Your Own Risk

Remember the last time I posted a Crime Watch Wednesday? My OWN Crime Watch Wednesday that never made it into our crime watch chronicles despite how amazingly hilarious it was? Well, yes, I am still bitter. Why? Because instead of my awesome misdelivered package/horror story/the call is coming from ACROSS THE STREET debacle, the chronicles have just chosen something utterly stupid.

Now I know you are asking yourself - "Really? How could someone calling the cops over a misdelivered package with the recipeint's phone number on it NOT be the dumbest thing ever to call your town's cops about?" Well, readers, let me introduce you to the guy who doesn't know what a doorbell is for:

A local resident recently called the police after someone rang his doorbell. He told police that he was not expecting anyone and, thus, he found the ringing of his doorbell to be a huge breach of security. Apparently the alleged perp a/k/a person ringing the doorbell had not received the resident's security policy. The man was also disturbed because it was 6:00 pm and past his bedtime. Before calling the cops, the man was nice enough to send his son outside to see if there was a burglar or murderer out there. However, no one was seen. The police also attempted to locate the doorbell ringer with no luck.

Someone rang his doorbell. HIS DOORBELL. Why else would you have a doorbell? Hell, if you are expecting someone, then you could just open the door when they arrive with no need for a doorbell. DOORBELLS ARE FOR STRANGERS TO ALERT YOU THAT THEY ARE ON YOUR PORCH. Generally, they mean no harm to you. In fact, I would venture that someone that wanted to hurt you would probably not be so brazen as to ring your bell.

In other news, you are a terrific parent sending your son out there to explore what you feared. You are an even better citizen for sending our police out there to locate this dangerous perp. We can all sleep better tonight. And by tonight I mean at 11 pm. That is when it is really dark.

Dear unknown scared man: the next time someone rings your bell, ignore it. Or, if the noise scares you, disable it. That is what we did.* We have no idea who is on our porch and we like it that way.

In other news, who didn't think of this song when they read this post?

*Actually ours has never worked. Then again, we have never tried to fix it, have we?

Thanks! I Think I Will Take the Stairs...All Eight Flights. Okay, Maybe It is Only Three, But You Get the Point.

Ever since I got stuck in an elevator while at court, I have been extra cautious to make sure it doesn't happen again. Of course, one really cannot control these things. However, there are certain things you can do to minimize any potential problems like staying in the front, not getting on an overcrowded elevator, taking the stairs.

Now, time makes the memory quite distant. Heck, even when I got stuck and vowed never to step foot on an elevator again, I took an elevator down a mere hour later. Denial is a beautiful thing. Since that event, years ago, I have gone on elevators more times than I can count without a second thought.

Until the other day.

I was chatting with a guy I work with when he told me this story:

Did I tell you I saw a guy trapped in our elevator? I was heading out and went to push the button when I look down and see fingers coming out of the elevator. Then I saw a head. The guy looked at me and said "Can you help me?" So then I took the stairs.

After I stopped laughing from the image of fingers coming out of the elevator and a small voice saying "Can you help me?", I managed to ask him if he sought any help for the guy before he went down the stairs and he assured me that he told our receptionist to call someone.

That was the beginning of my thoughts that I should take the stairs. Yesterday the wiseness of that idea was confirmed. I got on the elevator with two guys from my floor:

Guy1: Do you know Adolph?

Guy2: Not really.

Guy1: Well he got stuck on the elevator last week between two floors.

Me: I heard about that! He was sticking his fingers and head out.

Guy1: They didn't get him out for two and a half hours.

TWO AND A HALF HOURS? Are you kidding me? Then my friend at work told me that he heard that the guy got himself out by prying open the doors and jumping UP. PRYING HIMSELF OUT. I about had a heart attack right there. I went home and told B it was only stairs for me from now on. Thank goodness we are on the third floor.

So this morning I went to work chanting "Stairs, stairs, stairs" in my head. Come to find out you can go down the stairs, but not up. They are locked. LOCKED! For our safety or something. Don't they realize that for MY SAFETY I need to access the stairs. It is a conspiracy I tell you. So I have made some ground rules:

• I will not get on the elevator if I even think I might have to pee
• I will not get on the elevator with more than two people
• I will always have my phone with me on the elevator
• I will always use the stairs whenever I can (sometimes people come out when you need to go up - SCORE).
• I will stop thinking about possible problems

I am armed. I am dangerous. I am fearless.

I need to work on the ground floor.

What Brings You to These Parts?

I am always amazed at what people search to get to this little old blog so I thought I would share some with you:

"the mad hair" scientology - did they mean mad hair scientist?

Good night words to say to your spouse - usually I say "good night", works like a charm

Who is Badass - my bro is, haven't you heard?

swingers - we have a swing, does that count?

"rule breaker" - always

"seth" and "dani" - sound like a cute couple. Who the F is seth??

3 3 legged midgets in a room with 6 women riddle - how is it possible to have 3 legs?

blogspot of dani girls - there is only one dani girl

can spammers get in trouble - nah! But I bet you can get them in trouble

clown makeup - you must mean my neighbor

dani pitt - someone's living in fantasy land. Brad, you have Angelina, isn't that enough?

cyborg husband - that's B

cookie monster logic - that's also B

discount living room furniture - sounds so seedy. It was just Craigslist people!

eyeful spunk - there.are.no.words

fish mammaries - do fish have breasts?

fort knox conspiracy theory - um, k.

how to solve a case of the mondays - wait until Tuesday

hugh jackman have to pee bad - um, k.

ideas for extra rooms - fill them with stuff and call them Dani's Room of Stuff (insert own name)

rugs - yep, we got plenty. Even some from a - discount store *gasp*

sensing a bad case of the mondays - people just dont like Mondays

porn: thick glasses blind without - doesn't sound very fun porn, does it?
wheres dani - where is that bitch? She hasn't posted since last Monday!

Real post tomorrow folks.

Wonder Twin Powers...Activate!

The other day I had a medical test performed that involved being injected with radioactive materials. The whole testing procedure is better left for another post. Rather, let me tell you what happens when your spouse finds out that you may be radioactive:

B: I didn't know you had radioactive materials still inside you! Why did you let me KISS you?

Me: Don't you want my radioactivity? Then you can be a superhero too.

B: I would like your superhero abilities.

Me: Well, I am not sure what they are unless they consist of being able to sleep for a REALLY long time, because I have that ability down.

B: Hmmmm...just so you know, I plan on using MY superhero powers for evil.

Me: Really? 'Cause I plan on using mine for good so how is that going to work if we are arch nemesis*?

B: [silent]

Me: That may be the end of our marriage.

*Does anyone know the plural for this word? When I say it, I say arch nemesisesis which clearly isn't right. Is there even a plural? Can you have more than one arch nemesis? Are the others just rivals? I am SO not superhero material.

You Say You Are in Trouble Spammer...How Can I Help?

We all get the spam emails asking us to assist an unknown "friend" or "colleague" with releasing funds, obtaining funds, spending funds, all with just a small upfront cost to us. These emails are nothing new and I usually do not bother reading them. This one, however, I received today at my work email address which is rare in and of itself. The subject captivated me to actually open it. It said:

"The Oakland Chief United States Attorney has been under investigation for rape crimes"

Wow! That is a LONG subject line, but it sounds serious. I think we need to read on:

Dear Congressman/Senator: [Look out! I have been promoted. No longer am I a mere attorney, I am now a Congressman or Senator. Which one is anyone's guess. I feel so elected. Although I was not]

As most of the Legislative Branch members already know, the Oakland Chief United States Attorney has been under investigation for rape crimes since 2006. [News to me and it appears I am in that branch. Huh. ] Further, we all already know that the folks who reside at [redacted] are prejudice and smoked/terrorized their former African-American neighbor next-door. [Okay, there are some bad neighbors at that address who apparently tried to smoke their next door neighbor because they are prejudiced. Did they actually try to smoke him like a cigarette or is that slang? I was leaning toward slang but the professional styling of this email makes me believe otherwise.] I am still patiently waiting for Justice into my wife's rape incident [also redacted] - my wife was raped by Federal Agents. [There is a lot of BAD stuff going on in this place. Watch out people. Um, and why was his wife raped by federal agents? Was she terrorizing the next door neighbor? Is she the next door neighbor? Next door to who? I am so confused, yet frightened.] I asked for restraining orders over 2 years ago. [I am thinking if my wife was raped by federal agents, I probably wouldn't go asking that same branch for a restraining order. Hell, she was raped by the Chief! How can you get any higher? Also, we all know restraining orders don't stop anything. Poor Leonor.]

There are LACERATIONS in the ASSES of innocent women and I have to "KISS ASS" in order to get an Independent Special Prosecutor appointed? [Wait, um, what??? Lacerations in the asses of innocent women? Are those hemorrhoids? Thank God I am not innocent, those sound painful. ] Why were innocent women across the Bay Area under duress by way of Direct Energy Weapons? [Wow. Now the women are under duress by direct energy weapons? Those sound powerful and duressful. They also sound made up and from Futurama.] Can we put a stop to this kind of abuse? [Apparently not.] Do I need a lobbyist? [Nope. I am thinking of a different kind of professional altogether] It should be noted that the former Attorney General is also involved in this sex scandal. [Well you are screwed then. If all the branches are involved and they are using Weapons of Mass Destruction, the innocent women will continue to have lacerations in their asses I am afraid.]

Spammer

Whistleblower [How's that for a title?]

Direct [redacted]

UPDATE: The Department of Justice has yet to submit a monetary settlement to my former wife and self -- for the retaliation I received for reporting my wife's rape incident. [Is she your wife or your former wife? What retaliation did you receive and did it involve lacerations in your ass? Oh, and since it was the federal agents involved in the rape, they probably are not going to give you any money. Criminals are bastards like that.]

cc: National/International News Media [Gotta get the press on this. Contacting your Congressman/Senator is just not enough these days]

MAKE A $25.00 DONATION BY VISITING

www.WHISTLEBLOWERBURT.COM [Um, Spammer, you spelled your name wrong. Just thought you should know. $25.00 will buy a lot of hemorrhoid creme]

Sadly, I was not the only recipient of this email. A Google search revealed that it has been circulating on:

1. Craig's list

2. Via fax

3. On a mentaldisability website - score one for proper placement Bert/Burt/Whistleblower

And that is how I started off my day. It ended with the afternoon off. Brilliant start to finish. Thanks Burt!

**Update from me - I have removed all identifying names from this spam email in the event that any of the names are associated with actual persons.

Live Twittering of the Oscars...Kind of

As I did for the Golden Globes, I decided that once again I would join my fellow twitterers and tweet the Oscars live. That is until I got locked out. Angry would be putting it mildly. Enjoy the highlights of my observations on Oscar night!

Right off the start, a quote from an Oscar nominee:

"if you have a mind and a brain?" Aren't those the same thing? 

6:59 PM Feb 22nd from web

The weird football like play of fashion, complete with drawings on screen:

The football like drawings on her legs is kind of creepy 

7:00 PM Feb 22nd from web

Is that woman in the background with the sparkly dress GLARING at this woman? Girl I don't see you being nominated for an Oscar 

7:01 PM Feb 22nd from web

not preparing a speech is now considered "organic"? 

7:02 PM Feb 22nd from web

well that is kind of rude "I heard you wanted this REALLY badly. How badly did you want it?" Way to make him sound desperate Ryan

7:03 PM Feb 22nd from web

Ryan will provide me with plenty of fodder I can see 

7:03 PM Feb 22nd from web

Yes, Ryan - Leo and Kate only exist in the movie Titanic. Good lord 

7:04 PM Feb 22nd from web

maybe we can get another creepy shot of Heidi's leg 

7:04 PM Feb 22nd from web

I really like Heidi's hair even though it doesn't look like she did anything to it 

7:05 PM Feb 22nd from web

"Red from the live carpet right here...." good job Ryan

7:10 PM Feb 22nd from web

I think he is saying that even though SJP could do no wrong, she did some wrong. Well you are wrong 

7:11 PM Feb 22nd from web

Mickey Rourke tries to distract us from his face by his hair and outfits. Um, not working 

7:11 PM Feb 22nd from web

SJP look like a princess 

7:11 PM Feb 22nd from web

now THAT is a statement necklace Amy Adams. Love it 

7:12 PM Feb 22nd from web

"freeze that right there" - it is LIVE. oh boy

7:12 PM Feb 22nd from web

RDJ will not win for Tropic Thunder. And he was good. You cannot beat a ghost RDJ. Even if you are RDJ 

7:14 PM Feb 22nd from web

WTF? How pure is Amy Adams? Ryan is an asshole with these questions 

7:14 PM Feb 22nd from web

This isn't charades Ryan. Learn to ask a question and not put them on the spot. Amy Adams has done more than 2 movies 

7:15 PM Feb 22nd from web

RPatts hair is just wrong. It is in the in between stage and is just wrong 

7:16 PM Feb 22nd from web

Okay Matthew Broderick's hair is WAY crazier than Rpatts. What happened to this man? 

7:18 PM Feb 22nd from web

Ryan wishes Seth was fighting his way toward him 

7:19 PM Feb 22nd from web

apparently there is absolutely nothing else to discuss with Seth Rogan other than his weight loss? Movies anyone? 

7:20 PM Feb 22nd from web

way to know about the stars you are interviewing Ryan. Marisa has had 3 nominations and 1 win. Not just My cousin Vinnie 

7:26 PM Feb 22nd from web

Ryan is a star stalker. Really. 

7:27 PM Feb 22nd from web

that was an awkward shake your hand, do a gang sign, college frat boy maneuver with Mickey Rourke 

7:28 PM Feb 22nd from web

how is it ironic to have your dog die when you are nominated for an award? Explain 

7:28 PM Feb 22nd from web

I love Diane Lane. So gorgeous But I always think of her on the staircase in that movie Unfaithful 

7:30 PM Feb 22nd from web

For once I think Jessica Biel looks hot. Okay, maybe twice 

7:32 PM Feb 22nd from web

I wish Ron Howard had more hair. He still has such a baby face. Adorable 

7:33 PM Feb 22nd from web

Run Marion! Ryan might be a stalker 

7:34 PM Feb 22nd from web

I would have never recognized Peter Gabriel. I still love his songs though 

7:35 PM Feb 22nd from web

Ryan is lucky she is wearing a perfume. Otherwise he would just be creepy. Oh wait! He still is 

7:36 PM Feb 22nd from web

I wonder if Evan Rachel Wood is going to avoid Mickey lest the rumours of their wicked affair reignite 

7:37 PM Feb 22nd from web

Please stop screaming. Please - it is just Brad and Angie. They DON'T KNOW YOU! 

7:38 PM Feb 22nd from web

Ryan "tell me about your movie" which really means, I will interrupt you one second after you begin to talk 

7:43 PM Feb 22nd from web

What the heck is up with that hat Philip Seymour Hoffman? You look more than ridiculous! 

7:43 PM Feb 22nd from web

Marion thinks Ryan is an idiot. You are not alone Marion. 

7:44 PM Feb 22nd from web

quick poll - will Brad and Angelina 1 avoid Ryan, 2 be rude to Ryan, or be 3 be nice to Ryan. Hard to decide  [Note: #3 for Brad and #1 for Angie]

7:45 PM Feb 22nd from web

who was Angelina leading around just now? Certainly wasn't Brad for once

7:48 PM

stop with predictions. I want more dresses! 

7:54 PM Feb 22nd from web

What was that? Did Brad blow Ryan off and why was it not aired? 

7:58 PM Feb 22nd from web

RDJ cannot stand Ryan, can you tell? 

7:59 PM Feb 22nd from web

maybe ABC will do better with the red carpet. Hi HDTV I love you 

8:01 PM Feb 22nd from web

I cannot imagine calling Anthony Hopkins "tony" it doesn't seem to fit 

8:05 PM Feb 22nd from web

no brush off by Brad and Angelina on this channel. What does that tell you Ryan? 

8:06 PM

I didn't understand a word Valentino just said. I may have been sleeping 

8:10 PM Feb 22nd from web

Mickey just spit on his own lip. Kind of gross. Story about Loki? endearing 

8:12 PM Feb 22nd from web

Zac - slicked back hair. NOT GOOD. You look greasier than Mickey Rourke. Really. 

8:13 PM Feb 22nd from web

Miley has quite the deep voice. Opposite of her dress 

8:15 PM Feb 22nd from web

Sometimes Anne Hathaway is pretty, other times not so much. It is always puzzling to me 

8:16 PM Feb 22nd from web

I bet those briefcases are empty. Like half of the people I work with 

8:20 PM Feb 22nd from web

oh no. I do not like the bottom of Marisa's gown. No to pleats - just say NO! 

8:24 PM Feb 22nd from web

James Franco didn't look so happy giving that standing ovation

8:38 PM Feb 22nd from web

yes Mickey looks great. not at all creepy and disturbing 

8:40 PM Feb 22nd from web

perhaps open the curtains BEFORE the montage begins? 

8:41 PM Feb 22nd from web

I like these five past winners announcing nominees 

8:44 PM Feb 22nd from web

I get the feeling that if it is not about RDJ, RDJ is bored 

8:45 PM Feb 22nd from web

Goldie - your boobs need to be controlled. Really. You are not your daughter's age! 

8:46 PM Feb 22nd from web

I have no idea who will win best supporting actress 

8:47 PM Feb 22nd from web

WHAT? that does not seem right. Not right Penelope 

8:47 PM Feb 22nd from web

8:50 p.m. THE moment we have been waiting for Jen Aniston. Will she give angelina the stink eye? 

8:51 p.m. they don't even have pretty girls handing out Oscars. Is that part of the recession? 

8:59 p.m. slam against Scientology. Score 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

9:00 - got locked out of Twitter for updating too much WTF? Since when? It was the Scientologists I know it. they are behind everything and I happened to mention them in one of my tweets.

9:05 how will the world survive without my tweets? I am pissed and told B who laughed at me for 10 minutes straight

9:18 watching the Oscars and seeing others twitter about it makes me sad. So does the boring acceptance speech for Curious Case of Benjamin Button

9:19 so was Hugh Jackman just there for the beginning or what? I haven't seen him since he stopped dancing. Do you think he is somewhere recovering?

9:20 - the Duchess? I wasn't even aware any part of this movie was in the running for anything

9:21 And then it wins for best costume design. I guess all of my predictions were off

9:22 I fell asleep. Acceptance speeches bore me. Where is Jennifer Aniston/Jack Black when you need them? Or Tina Fey/Steve Martin? Anyone?

9:23 That dress makes SJP boobs look huge. I am obsessed with boobs. It is a problem.

9:24 Awww Heath :(

9:24 The Curious Case of Benjamin Button wins for makeup. As it should be. Fantastic job. Never saw the movie but the pics were fantastic.

9:25 By my calculations, I cannot tweet again until 10 pm or after. Still pissed about that

9:25 God Amanda Seyfried has gorgeous hair. RPatts not so much .But he works it.

9:28 Thank God for commercials. I have to pee

9:31 - oh hi Hugh Jackman, where have you been hiding for the past hour or so?

9:31 Ben Stiller - love the Joaquin impersonation. Is Joaquin in the house?

9:35 - dude you are about to give an acceptance speech. Brushing your hair and not curling it oddly to the sides would have been a good idea. You look like you have wings. WINGS

9:38 B's love just came on - Jessica Biel. I repeat, she looks good tonight.

9:40 vented to B about my lack of Twitter (still!) and Penelope winning best supporting actress "boobs always win, especially if they speak spanish." I have no idea what that means.

9:43 how long can the Franco/Rogan high train last before we all get sick of it? Oh, 6 months ago. That's right

9:45 I hope they don't parody their parody. That would be tragic. And not funny.

9:46 i think the only thing Seth knows how to say is "Judd Apatow" I have heard him say it at least three times tonight. He knows where his bread is buttered.

9:47 you would think that someone that goes to college ahem *James Franco* ahem would not intentionally mispronounce the name of a foreign film. Think again.

9:48 black bowtie on black shirt on black suit. Monochromatic to the extreme.

9:53 Another song and dance number with Hugh Jackman. I don't know if I can take it.

9:54 Now it involves Beyonce. It is official - I CANNOT TAKE IT. MAKE IT STOP.

9:55 Wait the Grease song is involved. Just like that, I am back in. Love you Beyonce.

9:55 Twitter lets me back in. Now I just want to ignore it. Bitter much?

9:56 now those High School Musical kids? I am back out. MAKE IT STOP

9:57 wait! Girl from Big Love. Back in

10:00 still mad at Twitter and not tweeting GRRR

10:03 wow that first guy is really short (presenting best supporting actor). And I dont think I know any of these actors. That is sad.

10:05 Okay, I know Cuba Gooding, Jr. Speaking of stroke of genius - having him cover RDJ's Tropical Thunder nomination

10:06 Okay, I know Christopher Walken too. And this guy speaking but not his name. Two out of five isnt that bad

10:08 Of course Heath won. as he should.

10:10 Heath's sister almost made me cry. So moving.

10:16 why is that guy that bolted to the stage wearing that crazy scarf?

10:22 Tom Cruise does commercials now. Is that what it has come to?

10:28 I am totally bored.

and that was the end of my twittering/blogging and watching the Oscars. I did not see Best Actress, Best Actor, or even Best Movie.  Doesn't matter. I predicted correctly - Kate Winslet, Sean Penn, Slumdog Millionaire.

Now where's my prize?

I Blame the Aliens

I woke up with my left nostril sore on the inside and out and a huge bruise in the middle of my forehead.  My nostril feels like a huge probe was jammed inside of it.  No clue what is going on, but I blame the aliens.

Carry on...

*Real post to follow shortly

What's Old Becomes New Again

Or my fancy way of saying:

I Love Recycling!!

I really do. I love the sorting, the organizing and even the carrying to the curb.  It's Thursday and it is recycling day!  It wasn't always like this.  It all started when B found an extra recycling bin in the back of our building. We claimed it as our own.  Then, I went online and downloaded the guidelines. Yes, I downloaded them. Yes, I refer to them often.  However, I know most of them by heart:

B: Can we recycle the paint cans?

Me: Yes, has to go to the center though, not in the bin.

~~

B: We can't recycle these batteries can we?

Me: Yes, they just need to go into a plastic baggie and placed at the bottom of the bin.

~~

B: Are you planning on taking these hangers to the cleaner?

Me: Nope. They are going in the bin.

I am full of information and excitement for this new gig. B wants no part of it and calls it my "job" and says I am "in charge of it" which I thought meant I had to carry the bin to the curb (I do), not that I would have to follow B around the house to rescue the recyclables (I do that too). B will only remember to recycle about half the time.  This results in my peppering him with questions and statements like these:

"Why are you throwing out that envelope - it can be recycled!"

"That's a plastic bottle in your trash!"

"Where are you going with that cardboard box?"

"The newspaper does not belong in the bathroom trashcan"

B responds with one of these two answers:

"I don't know" which means "recycling is your job, I want no part of it" OR

"Oh" which means "Oh"

B also wants no part of it because he believes that recycling is just a big conspiracy coverup and that they merely collect all your stuff and put it in a big trash pile. Nothing I say can convince him otherwise. Even pointing out that by now someone would have figured this out and uncovered it. Like one of those crazy investigative news teams that follow everyone around.  Nope, B is convinced it is a scam.  He also loves conspiracy theories. Enough said.

This weekend, however, was extra exciting as I had to go to the actual recycling center so that I could give them the huge cardboard box from Black Friday's TV.  B thought that was a great idea and handed me two cans of paint to take with me.  Never having been to the center, I did not know what to expect. 

I love the recycling center!!  Seriously. There are big huge bins everywhere for everything you can think of, all nicely sorted.  Between recycling, diner dash games and my love for the mail, I probably should have been a mail sorter.  But in any event, the center was full of organization, sorting and rules, and, apparently I broke one of them.

Upon driving up to the chemicals section which consisted of a crazy looking shed and a man with a cart, I got out of my car to give him my two small paint cans.  We have the following exchange:

Man: Do you have an appointment?

Me: No. Do I need an appointment [reviewing guidelines in my head and noting they did not mention an appointment to drop off paint]

Man: Yes.

Me: So should I make an appointment?

Man: We have to have appointments because we service 13 different cities [note, I was the only one in front of him at the time]

Me: So should I make an appointment?

Man: Just show me your ID

I did. He took the paint. On a cart. Despite the fact that I was able to carry them with one hand. Now you know since he took the paint, I probably won't make an appointment next time either. As I got out at the next stop - big cardboard box bin, I saw a guy go over to the paint guy with three cans of paint.  And of course he was asked if he had an appointment. The guy thought he might.  No he did not. Yes the guy took the paint.  But he is not going to stop recycling that line about the appointments.  Oh no.

Meanwhile, back at home I tell B about my newfound love for the center and how I am going back this weekend with something.  At that exact moment I look out to see the recycling truck picking up the bins.  This usually happens on Friday when I am at work but with the holiday, it was happening on Saturday.  I took that moment to point out to B that the truck had separated bins in which they were separating the stuff they picked up.  B declared it was all for show, that it was just going into one big garbage pile and they really FOOLED ME.

Yes, I have been fooled.  We all have been fooled.