Friday, March 27, 2009

You Say You Are in Trouble Spammer...How Can I Help?

We all get the spam emails asking us to assist an unknown "friend" or "colleague" with releasing funds, obtaining funds, spending funds, all with just a small upfront cost to us. These emails are nothing new and I usually do not bother reading them. This one, however, I received today at my work email address which is rare in and of itself. The subject captivated me to actually open it. It said:

"The Oakland Chief United States Attorney has been under investigation for rape crimes"

Wow! That is a LONG subject line, but it sounds serious. I think we need to read on:

Dear Congressman/Senator: [Look out! I have been promoted. No longer am I a mere attorney, I am now a Congressman or Senator. Which one is anyone's guess. I feel so elected. Although I was not]

As most of the Legislative Branch members already know, the Oakland Chief United States Attorney has been under investigation for rape crimes since 2006. [News to me and it appears I am in that branch. Huh. ] Further, we all already know that the folks who reside at [redacted] are prejudice and smoked/terrorized their former African-American neighbor next-door. [Okay, there are some bad neighbors at that address who apparently tried to smoke their next door neighbor because they are prejudiced. Did they actually try to smoke him like a cigarette or is that slang? I was leaning toward slang but the professional styling of this email makes me believe otherwise.] I am still patiently waiting for Justice into my wife's rape incident [also redacted] - my wife was raped by Federal Agents. [There is a lot of BAD stuff going on in this place. Watch out people. Um, and why was his wife raped by federal agents? Was she terrorizing the next door neighbor? Is she the next door neighbor? Next door to who? I am so confused, yet frightened.] I asked for restraining orders over 2 years ago. [I am thinking if my wife was raped by federal agents, I probably wouldn't go asking that same branch for a restraining order. Hell, she was raped by the Chief! How can you get any higher? Also, we all know restraining orders don't stop anything. Poor Leonor.]

There are LACERATIONS in the ASSES of innocent women and I have to "KISS ASS" in order to get an Independent Special Prosecutor appointed? [Wait, um, what??? Lacerations in the asses of innocent women? Are those hemorrhoids? Thank God I am not innocent, those sound painful. ] Why were innocent women across the Bay Area under duress by way of Direct Energy Weapons? [Wow. Now the women are under duress by direct energy weapons? Those sound powerful and duressful. They also sound made up and from Futurama.] Can we put a stop to this kind of abuse? [Apparently not.] Do I need a lobbyist? [Nope. I am thinking of a different kind of professional altogether] It should be noted that the former Attorney General is also involved in this sex scandal. [Well you are screwed then. If all the branches are involved and they are using Weapons of Mass Destruction, the innocent women will continue to have lacerations in their asses I am afraid.]

Whistleblower [How's that for a title?]
Direct [redacted]

UPDATE: The Department of Justice has yet to submit a monetary settlement to my former wife and self -- for the retaliation I received for reporting my wife's rape incident. [Is she your wife or your former wife? What retaliation did you receive and did it involve lacerations in your ass? Oh, and since it was the federal agents involved in the rape, they probably are not going to give you any money. Criminals are bastards like that.]

cc: National/International News Media [Gotta get the press on this. Contacting your Congressman/Senator is just not enough these days]

www.WHISTLEBLOWERBURT.COM [Um, Spammer, you spelled your name wrong. Just thought you should know. $25.00 will buy a lot of hemorrhoid creme]

Sadly, I was not the only recipient of this email. A Google search revealed that it has been circulating on:

1. Craig's list
2. Via fax
3. On a mentaldisability website - score one for proper placement Bert/Burt/Whistleblower

And that is how I started off my day. It ended with the afternoon off. Brilliant start to finish. Thanks Burt!
**Update from me - I have removed all identifying names from this spam email in the event that any of the names are associated with actual persons.

8 important things being said:

Jennifer said...

I love these e-mails. I just cleaned out 3200 spam messages from my work email. I get the crazinest junk. I somehow send myself spam. Typically I am offering prescription drugs for sale. WTF.

*~Dani~* said...

We have a pretty good spam filter at work that usually quarantines messages. Even then I dont get a lot. The new thing on my gmail, however, are messages sent from me. I like to send myself messages about my small penis. Who knew?

Anonymous said...

I got this e-mail too. DEWs are no joke!

Anonymous said...

I've been getting these too. Very annoying -- and quite hilarious. Not because rape is funny, but because this guy's wife never told him anything about the alleged "facts" he claims. Take a listen to this:

Bert Agrela's Lawyer Conference Call - 1 of 8

Seriously -- By the time you get to part 2 you will be laughing your butt off.

*~Dani~* said...

Anon 2 - there is no way I could make it to part 2. And was it just me, or were there only four people on that conference call - the "attorney", Bert, some other guy who was a victim and an engineer of some sort?

And you and I both know that whenever you are trying to preserve the sanctity of the attorney/client privilege, it is important to (a) record it and (b) post it on You Tube.

Anonymous said...

Just got this in my e-mail from the same guy:


E-mail title was "PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN!"

*~Dani~* said...

Anon - I see he is branching out. I might have to do a follow up post on this.

Anonymous said...

Black Cops made those recordling.

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