How YOU Doin? And Other Creepy Things to Say to People

Remember when Joey from Friends would say this all the time and the girls would fall for it, but when other every day people said it, it sounded creepy? Or when men 20 years later still try to say it? Or when I just used it in my title?

So creepy.

That is not the only way to be creepy, however.  I recently found out that I am quite capable of being unintentionally creepy. Unfortunately, I found this out at the office.

You see, we had a bunch of new people start recently. I decided to be proactive and introduce myself to them as I encountered them as no one seemed to be walking them around for introductions.  So I walked up to a young lady, roughly 20 or so, and intended to say "nice to meet you" and "welcome aboard."  Instead, the following occurred:

Me: Hi! I don't think we have met. I am me.

A: Hi. My name is A.

Me: NICE...

Me: Welcome aboard.

You know what a dragged out NICE sounds like without a "to meet you" after it? CREEPY. Even I was creeped out! Yes, I even unintentionally creeped myself out.

I quickly tried to explain what I was trying to say and thought to myself that it wasn't at all as bad as I imagined.  That is, until one of my support staff said "Well, THAT was creepy."

Signing off as the unintentionally creepy stalker person at work,

 

Girls Just Want to Put Their Foot in Their Mouths

Is anyone watching the show Girls on HBO? No? You should. Like right now. Stop reading this blog, go on demand it and you will be caught up in no time.  Seriously. They are only half hour episodes (in HBO land, that is roughly 22-27 minutes).  Once you are done, report back here immediately and go on to the next paragraph.

Okay. Caught up? So Girls is an awesome show mostly because it is awkward. At first B made fun of me for watching it. Then he declared the main character "awful." Now he deserts me in mid conversation to "go watch an episode of Girls." Yes, I can hear him laughing all the way upstairs.

You still haven't watched it, have you? Shame.

Watch this clip:

and this one:

Well, I had my own Girls moment the other day at work.  I will let you be the judge:

Girls episode:*

Guy: Open your eyes...surprise! 

Girl: Gasp

Guy: Do you like it? (pointing to lack of hair on his head)

Girl: No, I don't f'g like it! It looks like $hit!

Guy: I did it for Cathy.

Girl: Who the f$ck is Cathy?

Guy: The woman at work who has cancer.

Girl: Oh, great! Now I look like the a$$hole.

Dani's life:

Dani: G, what happened to your hair?

G:  I shaved it on Friday.

Dani: Oh, good. I thought you were going to tell me you had cancer cause you look like you have cancer.

G:  Actually, my friends and I all shaved our heads for our friend who has cancer.

Guess who looks like the a$$hole now?

 



*Sadly no clip for this awesome scene can be found.


**B also says the main character, Hannah, reminds me of him.  To which I responded: 
Me: Gasp!
Me: Wha...?
Me: How?
Me: Wha...?
and he responded:
B: See above story.

In My Dreams, I'm Still Insane

Remember last summer when I said my dreams would make a great plot to a movie? Yep, nothing much has changed on that front.  I have kept track of a few of my favorite dreams since then and, well, I will let them speak for themselves.  I will say that I did not change or embellish anything*. These are exactly as I dreamt them, although not all at once. I am not THAT crazy!

I am in an old grocery store that is now a restaurant, but yet still a grocery store. I look over and notice two very large lions lazily lying around outside the front doors.  Suddenly I realize that the lions know how to open the automatic doors and I bolt through the store with them chasing me. As I scream for help I realize that the workers are out back in the alley on a smoke break. I bust through the door yelling "the lions are chasing me." They laugh until I point at the lions. Knowing that the lions can also open doors with knobs, I run down the alley until I find a small indent in the wall and press myself into it. They never find me.

I am being chased. Again. I end up in a bowling alley. I then end up on a beach where there are tons of bugs and fire ants. Jersey is trying to bite them to keep them away from me. I am trying to shoo them with my feet so she doesn't get bit in the mouth. They bite me on my ass.  Right after the sting, I realize that I think there is a tooth in my gum. I pull it out of my mouth and sure enough there is a part of a tooth. I later tell B that I lost part of a tooth and when he asks to see, it turns out I lost three teeth, all in the front!  I vow never to chew gum again.  Especially if it is mint green.

Next, it is the day of my trial. We are holding it at a dining room table in the office.  My paralegal keeps talking so I tell her to leave. Next my secretary is there to take notes, but she keeps making calls on her cell phone so I tell her to leave.  Meanwhile, we have a break and I leave to use the bathroom and get lost in a sea of buildings and floors trying to find my way back and panicking with every step.  Finally, the judge's clerk finds me and assures me that is okay. However, once I arrive I realize I do not have my file or even one piece of paper that I need for the trial.  I tell the court. The usually mean judge comes in laughing and asks why I didn't notice when I left that morning that I wasn't carrying anything. I have no answer for her.  Then she asks why I didn't think about it when I was reviewing my file last night. I don't bother to tell her that I didnt review it all because I had planned on "winging it."

We then go back to my office to actually review my file and there are these large black flying bugs around. I start screaming and decide we need to leave before they get me.  On our way out, my boss who has inexplicably turned into my uncle assures us that it is okay, that the bugs are harmless. When I tell him that one landed on my head and was stinging me, he tells me I am wrong. The bugs simply need to poop somewhere.

I am called into my office manager's office and told that my outfit is not work appropriate and I will need a whole new wardrobe. I am wearing a skirt, heels, a blouse and a blazer. I sarcastically say "do I get a wardrobe stipend?" and am told in fact I have $1500 and don't worry because the shop will call to appropriately dress me.

I am on my way to work heading up a staircase with apparently every single person in my office building. I am also carrying a child. I run into my former boss and we exchange pleasantries although I really hate her. I then run into my current boss who is wearing a bright yellow ruffled sleevless shirt which makes me think he looks like a clown. He tells me that people think we are "too close." I am tell him that is because we are close, we live near each other. I then realize he is the actor that plays the detective on Dexter.  I still have the baby.  After folding up my bicycle, I realize I have to be somewhere that babies aren't allowed. I find my former boss in her office working on her laptop on her bed and ask her to watch the baby. She says okay halfheartedly and tosses the baby to the side. I scream "Well EXCUSE ME but you are the only one that knows how to care for a baby around here."

On my way out, I drive my car straight into a hotel pool. Luckily it was in the shallow end and I could escape.

Later, I fall in love with the actor that plays Mark Zuckerberg in the Facebook movie. My other boyfriend didn't like that I was in love with two men at once so he made me break up with him. But as actor/Mark guy crossed the street after I dumped him, I could not bear to lose him and chased him down. We then discussed plots to TV shows.

I am at a trial, but again I dont have materials. Turns out I am not trying the case, but I am a witness. Then it turns out I am the defendant. I am accused of hitting a guy with a hamburger. The defense counsel, including Don Draper of Mad Men, tells me that I should tell the jury how much I love hamburgers. I think this is a terrible defense because there was a whole shelf of things I could have hit him with so if I loved hamburgers, naturally I would choose the hamburger. My attorney said "no, you would never waste a good hamburger by throwing it at someone." Good point.

I rest my case.  But not my dreams.

Is it any wonder that I look like this on some nights?

*I started writing this in July of 2010. Upon reading it today, even I think these dreams sound fictional. However, I know they are not as I never lie to myself.**

**That I know of.

Wordless Wednesday: A Future Horror Fan is Born!

If It Is Going to Be a Bad Day When You See a Werewolf, What Happens When You Are Standing Barefoot in the Cold?

Remember about a week or two ago when I said I had a bad day that started with a werewolf sighting?  Well, I topped myself without even trying.  Every week it is my job to take out the recycling on garbage day.  If I was not the hugest procrastinator around, I would do this the evening before.  That, however, is not in my nature.  So I do it the morning of pickup.  I had the routine down to a science, or so I thought.

You see, our front door does not self lock. Neither does our back door, but for an entirely different reason.  Often I have told friends, family, and delivery men not to worry about the door shutting or slamming behind me, "it won't lock me out."  You know what this means, right? IT FLIPPING LOCKED ME OUT.

Of course that would be the morning I elected not to wear socks or shoes despite the fact that it was under 50 degrees. I was also in a tshirt with wet hair having just gotten out of the shower.  No keys. No phone. No mad survivor skills.

It was 6:30 a.m.

It was dark. It was cold. I was PISSED. I think I said something like "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!" I looked around our very dark neighborhood. No one was up. And if they were, what where they going to do for me?  So I go to the back where we have a spare key in a lockbox. I don't know the code.

I DON'T KNOW THE CODE TO GET MY OWN SPARE KEY TO MY OWN HOUSE.

And it is dark and I cannot see. And I have no shoes. Did I mention that?  

I go back up front to see if I can force the door open and see the hip neighbor guy taking his garbage out. I run over there with my lockbox and scream "DO YOU KNOW THE CODE TO THIS?"  Sadly, he did not. But his wife did because she lets Jersey out for us occasionally. He invites me inside and then says "Are you not wearing any shoes?" 

I DIDN'T PLAN THIS YOU KNOW!!

So I got in and ready for work, although I never really got warm again. When I got to work I sent B a text that said:

FYI - Should you go outside with wet hair and no shoes on, you will get locked out in the dark having forgotten the code to the lockbox.

To which he replied:

Don't worry. I know it.

There is a lesson here folks.  Teach your dog how to open doors. Because, as it turns out, the door was not even locked.  The door handle on the outside just wasn't working properly. Had Jersey pushed down on the inside door handle, I could have gotten in. Instead she ran from window to window wondering what fun I was having outside.  I was having a blast. An arctic blast.

Tomorrow is garbage pickup day. What are the odds that I:

1. Wear shoes
2. Wear a sweatshirt
3. Lock myself out
4. Remember the code
5. Learn any lesson from all of this

I better start training Jersey right now.

Just a Rapper that Doesn't Rap But Boy Does He Know How to Sell

There are always a cast of characters outside the main courthouse. Usually it is homeless guys, but occasionally there are people that are trying to sell you something.  Typically that "something" turns out to be their homemade music CD.  I cannot even imagine what such things sound like.  So far I have been able to contain any impulse buying.  However, I recently met up with quite the salesman.

After crossing the street, I see this guy do a little dance that ends in a flourish and with his one arm out holding a CD.  You know I am a sucker for some street dancing.  So I laughed:

Me: Well, I like your presentation.

Him: Oh, baby I like  YOUR presentation.*

Me: Thank you, I am not interested in your CD.

Him: Are you sure? It has some good rapping.

Me: No thanks.

Him: But they call me the "Nerd Rapper."

Me: Wait! Are you calling me a nerd?

Him: Yes.

Me: Huh. Well I don't like rap.

Him: Me neither. That is why I only rap about important stuff like politics.

Me: I don't much like politics.

Him: Me neither. That's why this is about ufology which is about how aliens are invading our religion.

Me: I don't really believe in aliens.

Him: Me neither. That is why this rap is about education.

Me: You have a comeback for everything, don't you?

Him: Yeah, baby.

I have to give him props for trying and for making me laugh after a very difficult morning in court.

No, I did not buy the rap-that-isn't-rap-but-about-politics-or-aliens-or-education CD.  Probably my loss.

And for no other reason than I mentioned the word "rap" enjoy this funny commerical I only recently saw courtesy of Katelin:

*Yes that was said in a totally "I'm gonna sex you up" way.

I Cannot Operate This Phone. It Is Too Modern.

The other day, B wanted to go to a certain Mexican restaurant which is our favorite nearby. I thought I had a coupon for it which is an even bigger score! And I did.  The only problem was the "other day" was actually the fourth of July. We are so anti-American.  So B put me in charge of calling the place to see if they were open.  I soon found, however, that the last four digits of their number was TACO. Brilliant.  Not so brilliant was the fact that they did not give the number/letter translation in their ad like most places do.

After studying my Blackberry for WAY too long, I realized I could never figure out how to call this place. When B got out of the shower, I discussed this with him:

Me: I found a coupon for the Mexican place.

B: Good. Are they open?

Me: I don't know. I cannot call. My phone is too modern.

B: What are you talking about?

Me: My numbers don't have letters and their letters don't have numbers!

B: Um. WHAT?

Me: I don't know what TACO is in numbers.

B: I don't know what the hell you are talking about. Are we eating or what?

Turns out, peeps, you can Google ANYTHING. And thanks to Wikipedia, I was able to translate TACO into numbers to call the restaurant. Don't ask me what the translation was as I have already forgotten. I have more important things on my mind like singing "Double rainbow, double rainbow, What does it MEAN?"  Have you seen that video yet? If not, watch below:

That guy is WAY too excited about that rainbow.  Of course he isn't on drugs, just very emotional and in tune with the earth.  Now check out this auto tune song:

I dare you not to sing that all day.

Suckas!

Facebook: Bringing People Together. Sometimes Two People that Aren't Married Although One of Them Thinks They Are. Wait...What?

It all started with an innocent status update from a friend:

"Anyone that found my husband, John Smith, as a friend through me, please delete. I have the wrong John Smith."

That's right folks. She friended someone she thought was her husband but he wasn't! Not only that, he accepted her friendship. And, they were Facebook friends for quite some time before she figured it out.

Of course, then the jokes began:

"Did you find a better husband?"

"You should tell him that he is not your husband. Do it on Father's Day."

"But does he kiss the same?"

Apparently, everyone in her family had a good laugh due to this. However, it would appear that the last laugh was on the poor wrong John Smith. You see, my friend badgered him into putting up a photo because he didn't have one and even recruited her family to badger him as well. And he caved! To a bunch of strangers. Strangers that thought he was related to them.

Until he put up a picture, that is.

Well, for his wife. The other friends and family members just thought he looked strange. Some kept sending him messages. I wonder why this guy put up with this for so long. I mean, even though I changed his name, the last name was VERY common. Did he just think he was related to them?

It makes you wonder...is everyone that is your friend on Facebook REALLY your friend?

{insert spooky music here}

When it Gets Too Hot 'Round These Parts, Which is Every Day Now, We Have to Find Our Cool Spots Where We Can

Some of us will take advantage of whatever cool spot we can find, even if we do not fit:

And we will spread out even if there is nowhere to go:

Anything to stay cool:

To think, I thought that was a tight space to shower in!

If My Dreams Were a Plot to the Movie of My Life

I would do a lot of running as I would be chased a lot. Sometimes I would get caught. Mostly I would not. Usually I would get tired.

I would find myself inexplicably deserted topless in South Africa. I would find a scarf, cover myself up, find a payphone and after hitting the one and only button, continuously repeat "American Embassy" until the next scene showed me back in the US with no further explanation.

My mom and John Mayer would get in a fight at Thanksgiving dinner. He would try to show off by speaking in a different language. My mom would talk back. John Mayer would inform me that my Mom was actually speaking Turkish while he was speaking Yiddish so he could not understand her. However, he would be massively impressed with her intelligence. I would set aside my belief that he is a douche and we would all leave happy.

The dinosaurs would roam the earth again, recurrently throughout the movie. We would all run through the alleys to escape while the overhead speakers on the telephone poles would blare "The dinosaurs are coming, The dinosaurs are coming" in case we did not know.

The cats would be crying all of the time.

I would get chased by murderers and spend an inordinate amount of time running, screaming and hiding.

A man would want to change my dad's arm (played by another person of course) into a two clawed slimy thing (kind of like MaryAnn's arm when she turns in True Blood). However, my dad would be given the choice to have them do mine instead, which he would choose. This procedure would involve amputation. Since I have never had my arm amputated before, I will choose to pretend it feels like getting stitches and so it will. My "dad" will faint at the scene. I will never get to see my claw.

I would then be on a table being forced into an ultrasound even though I am not pregnant. They will get my cooperation by waterboarding me. Then another woman will jump on top of me and do CPR like movements to my stomach chanting "make a baby, make a baby". Later, I will review an ad I placed in the paper that looks like an obit except it is pink and has a unicorn on it. It will announce the "end" of the baby that never existed which will be named something like Email Text Chain and will state that although I claim there never was one, the baby is now gone.

The movie will end with me trying to drive up a freeway ramp that goes straight in the air while in a convertible. Miraculously, I will not fall out of the car.

And there will be choregraphed scenes, probably involving music.

Who wants to be my producer?

*All of the scenarios above are from actual dreams I have had. Some, like the dinosaurs, since childhood. Most of them recently. I am not on any drugs.

If You Ask, You Shall Receive. Unless You Ask for Something I Don't Have, Don't Want to Give or is Very Expensive...

Jamie requested more puppy pictures. I was happy to oblige although at the rate Jersey is going, I am not sure how much longer we can call her a puppy.

One of Jersey's favorite things to do is play with Brad. And by play with Brad, I mean practically eat his entire head in one large bite. The thing is, Brad does not seem to mind and in fact engages her and bites her right back.

Here we have Jersey pinning Brad down:

And then Jersey goes in for the ear:

Brad responds by biting Jersey's cheek:

And so it continues until Brad breaks free or we separate them:

No one ever seems to get hurt.

In other news, Jersey still thinks she is a tiny puppy that can fit into the cat bed:

Busted!

Remember when Chester thought he could fit in there too? Well, hell, I am not sure I even took a picture of that. It did happen though! It must be a fat animal in a little bed syndrome.

Great. Now I have THAT song stuck in my head!*

*I am referencing the Fat Guy in a Little Coat song from that Chris Farley movie.

**I just realized there was an asterisk in yesterday's post but no explanation. It is a mystery, folks. Or one of those fill in the blanks books. YOU get to decide what the heck I was talking about.

Crime Watch Wednesday: It's Like Teaching a Cop a New Trick

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday illustrates the age old question - who is smarter, the cops or the thief?

You be the judge.

Police responded to a house alarm the other day. Upon arriving at the residence, they noticed the back door wide open. After assessing the situation they decided the house was secure, although they apparently used that term loosely. No one was in the home and nothing was taken. The police proceeded to lock the door and head back to their vehicle when they suddenly noticed the family dog reopening the door they had just locked!

Spot was taken into custody with his tail between his legs.

Can I say I just love the fact that the thief here is the family dog and that the dog is able to open a LOCKED door? Not just closed, but locked. You know what I don't love? That the police somehow thought a house with a wide open door was "secure." How is that even remotely secure? Heck, it wasn't even secure after it was locked as evidenced by the DOG opening the door.

I wonder if we could teach Jersey to open the door. That would be a bad thing, though.

Right?

I Am a Slacker, but I Have This Fun Video for You and I Shred Beef

So while you wait for a wonderful new post from me, enjoy the following video. You should know that I could have given you any number of actual cast of the Jersey Shore doing some form of crazy antics, but since it is Valentine's Day and I love each and every one of you, I instead give you something that will hopefully not cause you to vomit.

Here is a guy watching The Jersey Shore with his Grandma who actually lived at the Jersey Shore. You will thank me for this:

EMBED-New Jersey Grandma Disgusted by Jersey Shore - Watch more free videos

You are welcome.

In other news, I love B so much, I cooked him dinner for Valentine's Day* and highlighted on my other blog. Check it out.

Happy Valentine's Day peeps!

*Actually, it was purely coincidental that I chose today to actually muster up some motivation to cook, although I really do love B.

**B also loves me and proved it with a gold card (i.e. Starbucks gift card). Here I latte!

Jersey Shore: Where MTV Kills My Brain Cells and My DVR Conspires Against Me

Have you watched MTV's latest show, Jersey Show? If not, you should. Yes, it will feel like you are losing brain cells at a rapid pace, but it will entertain you. Apparently I am late to this train as the show debuted last week with a two hour episode. Lucky for me, however, I have a husband that likes to stay on top of the latest trends and he DVR'd it. Even luckier, I happened to walk into the room in the middle of his viewing. I was transfixed for the next hour. I then ran upstairs to watch the newest episode and to set my DVR to record the entire season. I think I could watch this show on repeat for 24 hours a day, it is so ridiculous. Every viewing brings a new gem. Here are some things I found hilarious/sad/funny/pathetic/intriguing:

• Mike "The Situation" - I still do not understand his nickname, even when it was explained to me. However, it does lend itself to funny sentences such as when the host of the live after show said "Is it okay if I call you Mike? I am not comfortable with The Situation." Ha! Get it?
• All of the boys look the same with various degrees of less attractiveness. That sentence makes about as much sense as The Situation, but if you watch the show you will know exactly what I mean.
• Snickers (real nickname Snooki - but the boys were calling her snickers and it stuck with me) is quickly becoming my favorite character despite the fact that she looked like Barney Rubble in a dress the other day.
• Sometimes I cannot understand a word that is being said.
• What kind of nickname is "JWOWW"? Why the extra "W"? Even better, she uses that when being introduced to people. Side note: From now I am going to be known as DBADD. I will even use it in Court: "Good morning your Honor, DBADD appearing on behalf of the defendant." The other side will shake in their boots.
• Even though all of the girls on the show have made out with all of the boys and some of the girls, they think all other girls the guys pick up are skanks/sluts/whores.
• One guy is always without a shirt. In fact he ran home from the bar because he was "angry" and between reaching the stairs and opening the door, he had taken off his shirt.
• Another guy let a girl take off his shirt in the bar while they were dancing. She then felt ill and left the bar WITH HIS SHIRT. He mysteriously was wearing another one.
• Later, that same guy and girl made out. Actually, HE made out with her as she laid there looking like she was going to pass out. He then inexplicably showed her his penis. It was pierced. She has a boyfriend.
• She had a boyfriend.
• She also has the biggest, most massive fake breasts ever. When she declared "the tits are coming out tonight", she did not lie. She wore the tiniest strips of material that made B and I ponder how much double sided tape was involved.
• Another girl had a boyfriend who got mad that she was living with a bunch of boys so he broke up with her. He is married.
• Snickers has been wanting to have sex since she arrived. She found a friend in a bar and declared him a SURE THING. She brought him home and he puked on her floor. She kicked him out after ordering him to clean it up. She then walked him home. Such a gentleman.
• Some guy got pink eye and showed everyone. The other guy lamented about how contagious it is "you can even get it FROM THE AIR!" Um, wouldn't we all have pink eye then? He also lamented that the guy got it from sticking his face in some girl's @$$.
• Pink eye guy did dive between some woman's legs while "dancing" at the bar after declaring that he liked all women, fat, old or ugly. I am sure that woman feels blessed.

My summary, however, is nothing compared to this cartoon clip I found on You Tube:

Since I first saw this on Thursday, my DVR has taped it EVERY SINGLE DAY. I am not even kidding. I came home Friday at 6 pm and wondered what the DVR was taping - Jersey Shore. I heard the DVR click on Saturday at 2 pm and was puzzled - Jersey Shore. Then on Sunday around noon I noticed the taping light - Jersey Shore! And all were the first episode. This is despite the fact that I told it to only tape NEW episodes.

It's a conspiracy. A guido* conspiracy.

*I assure you that I only use that term because it is used every 5 seconds in the show. In fact, I was not even aware of the term guidette. Now I know. Now you know.

Why Can't You Set Your Monkey Free?

A couple of months ago, when my Mom and I took a roadtrip to see some family, we also got to see performance art for the elderly. At least by the elderly. At first I thought their coordinated dancing was cute:

Right after the above, the man smacked the woman's ass. I wish I were kidding.

Then, however, I came to find out that it was all an act. Of course, I could tell that it was choreographed. However, I did not know that they came out and did the SAME dance EVERY weekend. Nor did I know that there would be costume changes:

Right after that above picture was taken my uncle turned to my Dad who was playing with a child's toy from the gift shop, and said:

If you put you hand in that puppet, that lady over there will grab her monkey.

Little did we know he was not kidding:

The moral of the story? I like spontaneous, well choreographed, dancing elderly people. I do not like well choreographed, dancing elderly people that appear "spontaneously" every weekend and who have costumes and puppets.

Especially those that are really not good ventriloquists.

Actually I don't like puppets or ventriloquists.

Neither does B.

That's why we are in love.

*Bonus points to those that know where the title of the post comes from.

Flashback Friday: It's Never Too Dark to Wear Shades

When I was a small child in middle school, we made a time capsule. Okay, I wasn't small. It was 1984 or 1985 so I was about 12 or 13. In any event, we filled out a piece of paper that, today, would be considered a meme on the internet. It had information about us, what we liked, what was happening that year, etc. The goal, I believe, was to open it the next year. My memory is actually fuzzy on the specifics.

You know who's memory is not fuzzy? My mom's memory. That woman is as sharp as a tack, whatever that means. One time I mentioned the time capsule and she reminded me what I put in it. Yes, she remembered after all of those years. I wish she had forgotten.

Apparently, I wrote that my favorite song of all time - ALL TIME - was Corey Hart's "I Wear My Sunglasses at Night."

Wait...what?

I must have banged my head as a child. However, for your listening and reading pleasure, below is a video from You Tube complete with lyrics. Check this gem out:

Now I am kind of confused about some of they lyrics. Let's start with these:

And I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can

Keep track of visions in my eyes

Honestly, that may be the only part of the lyrics that make some sort of sense to me. I mean if you are wearing sunglasses it blocks everything from your sight so you can only see the visions in your eyes (or head). Wait? Sunglasses only cut down on glare? They don't make you blind? Well, there goes that theory.

Now about these lyrics:

Don't switch the blade in the guy in shades, oh no

Don't masquerade with the guy in shades, oh no, I can't believe it

'Cause you got it made with the guy in shades, oh no

Before I discuss these, I want to note that I believe this song is a love song. Don't believe me? Just take another look at that last line "you got it made with a guy in shades." Sounds like a love tune to me.

However, I am not quite sure what "don't switch the blade" means? Is there a knife involved? Is this a song about domestic violence? Also, I think masquerading around someone wearing shades is perfectly acceptable because they CANT SEE YOU. Oh, wait. That's right. You are just not as bright or something.

Speaking of bright...I think I lost half of my brain cells analyzing this song that I thought was super cool in the 80s. So cool, it made it into a TIME CAPSULE as my favorite song EVER.

I need therapy.

If you want to check out the actual video with Corey Hart, follow the link below. The video will not assist you much in figuring out the lyrics unless watching Corey sing into a phone "don't switch the blade on a guy in shades, oh no" while the cops approach means something to you. If it does, and you can explain, please let me know. I have a time capsule to edit.

I wonder where they buried it...

check out the you tube video here (sorry, it will not allow to embed in the post).*

*Tell me that is not a catchy tune.

**How funny are some of those comments on You Tube?

Got Chocolate? How about some Macon?

Remember when I told you that my Mom and I had found a new place for Saturday breakfasts? Well, actually it is my brother. I am all about giving people credit, especially when things go wrong. Kudos J!

Anyhow, the last couple of times that we were there, things had been off. My Mom, who is able to make friends with anyone, had suspicions that the place had been bought based on prior conversations with some of the staff. Sure enough, one of our waitresses confirmed it for us. She did not seem happy.

The next time we went in, there was a name change, and our waitresses were no longer there. Instead of being greeted with "I put you in that booth with your coffee", we were greeted with "how many?" It was quite sad.

But with new ownership came a new menu. Big, shiny and bright. We looked over the new menu for no apparent reason since we both get the same thing every.single.time. (Me = ham and cheese omelette, potatoes extra crispy, wheat toast. Mom = ham, cheese and mushroom omelette, potatoes extra crispy, no toast). Reading the menu caused all kinds of hilarity. Mom first noticed something was amiss:

Mom (in a fierce whisper): Look at the top of the menu on the left. What IS that?

Me: What?

Me: Oh, TREE eggs. What the?

Mom: (giggling)

Me: I think they are supposed to be FREE eggs as in free range.

Mom: I KNOW, but that is too funny.

We then read the menu more carefully and counted no less than 12 errors. Some were typos, some were just flat out wrong. I have seen menus with errors before, but this was the worst I have ever seen. Below is what we found:

~Omelette with Chaddar cheese

~Consuming raw food can cause Foodbome illness

~with a side of macon

~Cornded beefr and hash (no that is not my typo but theirs)

~Side salad with Ramaine lettuce (sounds like an actress)

~Hamburger with Picke

~Hamburger with Cheese c (yes that is EXACTLY what it said. I don't know what the extra "c" is about either)

~Fish and chips with Tartar sauce (yes, please can I have some raw meet on my cooked fish)

~Corded beef and hash (in case you didn't want yours cornded, but corded).

~side order of Cattage cheese (they really have problems with the cheese descriptions

~Pie A la made (well, crap. I hope it is made. It will be messy if *I* have to make it)

~Got chocolate (that wasn't a question, but apparently hot chocolate. I only know this because it was in the beverage section).

After telling the waitress at least three times that we needed to study the menu after having already placed our order, we were through. We laughed so hard that it was difficult for me to type those words into my phone. I would have taken pictures but that would have been too obvious.

Despite the atrocious menu, we did go back. The waitresses were back. The food seemed good. The prices were the same. However, this weekend my Mom told me we would have to find another place, at least temporarily. Apparently our breakfast place is closed for remodeling.

I cannot wait for the Gran Opeening.

*Spell check LOVED this entry.

The Official Legal Argument as to Zombies

I know you are thinking to yourself, how did Dani get the official legal argument on zombies? Does such thing exist? Where did this occur? In court, of course. Silly readers. Where else do legal arguments form? Here's what happened.

After the judge granted my motion without my doing anything beyond uttering my name, I had to make my way back to chambers to get the order entered. I walked in to find the judge's law clerks staring intently at a computer saying such things as "HA HA" and "WHOA." I looked over their shoulders and realized that they were watching the Zombieland trailer. About four minutes later, and after the female attorney behind me had left in disgust, the trailer was over. As the clerks pondered how entertaining and fun that movie will be and where they could find more trailers to watch, one of them happened to see me out of the corner of his eye:

Clerk1: Well, hello.

Me: Hi.

Clerk1: Need to enter an order?

Me: Yep.

Clerk2: How long were you standing there?

Me: For half the trailer.

Clerks collectively: Ohhh....

Me: I think that looks like a good movie, very entertaining.

Clerk2: So you will be going to the premiere?

Me: Probably not the premiere, but at least the movie.

Clerk1: What if the judge orders you to go to the premiere?

Me: What if...the judge...ORDERS me to go to the Zombieland premiere?

Clerk1: Yeah, he likes movies.

Me: But does he like zombies?

Clerk1: I don't know....

Me: Really? Does anyone LIKE zombies? I mean we like to watch movies about zombies but no one is all "Oh I want to be a zombie, those things are cool."

Clerk1: Some people like zombies...

Me: Like who? Everyone likes to watch zombies get killed. Zombies are not fun or nice or cool.

Clerk2: What about Shaun of the Dead.

Me: What about it?

Clerk2: His friend in the end was a cool zombie.

Me: Well, he's the exception.

And then I left with my order.

In other news, for those that like zombies, you can now have your very own lawn ornament. How cool would this look? I am going to convince B we need to buy it.

Lawn ornament - $89.95

Shipping - $15.25

Faces of our neighbors when the wonder who the hell let us buy in this neighborhood? Priceless

Zombie of Montclair Moors (from SkyMall of course!)

I'll Take Johnnie Cochran for $200, Alex

So the other day I was sitting in court waiting for my case to be called. As you can imagine, I thought I would be last and would be there a while. Although I was not called last, I still had time to listen to a few cases before me.

One of the cases involved an appeal in a criminal matter regarding a ruling on excluding evidence of the actual arrest. The accused's attorney was arguing that the officer did not have probable cause for the arrest as he arrested this man in his garage after he had already pulled in. The attorney went on to say that there were no exigent circumstances because, even if the officer had put on his lights to signal to pull over, he did so a mere 6 seconds before the guy was in his garage. This prompted the judge to immediately, without a second thought, quip:

However slight, it can still be flight.

He then laughed and said "I'm no Johnnie Cochran, but..." I would agree. He is no Johnnie Cochran because his quip actually made sense. After all, it was a legal summation on the state of the law rather than a creatively successful, albeit ridiculous, attempt to skew the facts to gain an acquittal.

I would like to think I would be a pretty humorous, off-the-cuff judge should I ever take the bench. Then again, everyone would have to laugh regardless if I was humorous wouldn't they?

Oh the power...

You Say Tomato, I Say Porn...

I have a problem. Sometimes I hear people say things that don't make any sense. I don't know if it is because I really don't listen to them or if my brain likes to twist things around. However, it does make for some amusing times. Unless it happens with B because then I get the old "WHY would I say THAT?" Party pooper. The thing is...sometimes people do say crazy, random, off-the-wall things. In fact, it happens so much in my line of work perhaps that is why I don't think twice if I think someone in my social circle appears to have said something insane.

Apparently, though, this lack of listening properly also encompasses a lack of reading properly which I found out last week in court. After having waited for about 3 hours, and after having been called LAST on the docket even though I was unopposed, it was finally time to head back to the office. I was standing in the hallway with a younger male attorney whom I did not know lamenting on how long we had been there (he had been second to last on the docket - still in front of me!) and a middle aged woman. Finally the elevator arrives, the door opens and out comes a man wearing a polo with some writing on it. Here, is where it all went wrong. After I, the young male attorney and the woman get in the elevator and the doors shut, I turn to them and say:

Me: Did that guy's shirt say PORNmouth?

YML: Um, no. It said PORTmouth.

Me: Oh...okay. Everyone just forget I ever said anything.

YML: Pornmouth? What's on YOUR mind?

Me: Yep, like I said, everyone just forget I even asked.

YML: It is Friday night. What are YOUR plans for tonight?*

Lady: [snicker]

Then the elevator stopped, the doors opened and I shouted "This is my floor" while running out and not even checking to see if it was my floor.** Thankfully, it was.

*Obviously this man does not know me at all because if he did he would know that my Friday night plans usually involve falling asleep in the chair in my office before 9. I like to live it up on the weekends.

**This sentence makes it sound like I was embarrassed. Really I was not all that embarrassed. I have no shame.